Helium
by Isseus
"Here you go, Spikey-Wikey," Rarity said as she set the saucer filled with hayfries on the table.
Spike greedily grabbed several and crammed them inside his mouth. After only a few bites, his eyes shot open from surprise and he barely remembered to finish his mouthful before speaking. "Woah! What did you put into these? They're the best ever!"
Rarity winked at him. "Mineral salts from a few crushed gems. I hope you like them."
"Like them? I love them!" He put several more into his mouth. "Mmmh! Fo good!"
Rarity giggled and set her own saucer on the table as well. It had a modest serving of carrot sticks and a creme fraiché dip with pepper and vinegar. Vinegar made one look younger, did it not? She sat opposite to Spike at the table set just outside Carousel Boutique. It was another hot summer day, so dining inside was just unthinkable! She carefully selected one of the carrots, visited it in the dip for just a tiny amount and eloquently lifted it to her lips. And bit down.
"Aaargh! It hurts!" the carrot shouted.
In absolute shock, Rarity dropped the rest of the carrot on the tablecloth, where it sat silently, like a predator stalking prey.
"Mmmh. What's wrong, Rarity?"
She just shook her head in confusion. "Nothing, Spikey-Wikey. I just... think I may have overworked myself a tad." She prodded the carrot with a hoof. It rolled over. "Yes. That must be it." She took another slice, dipped it quite unceremoniously, and put it into her mouth. She could feel the sour creme on the tip of her tongue, but didn't bite down just yet. Finally realizing how silly she looked, toying with a carrot inside her mouth, with Spike looking on her with a slight blush, she chomped down.
"AAAUUUUUUGGGH!" The carrot screamed in horrid pain.
Rarity jumped back from the table, her chair clattering down on the ground. Spike backed away too, but saved his precious half-filled saucer of fries before jumping down from his chair. "Did that carrot just—"
"I'm sorry!" Rarity shouted. "I didn't know!"
The whole table shook with the wrath of the carrots, the saucer itself moving towards Rarity. "You cut us up and eat us! You monster!"
"I had no idea!" Rarity shouted, her eyes already moist from tears. "Why didn't you say anything!"
"And then... AND THEN!" The carrots roared, their voice growing deeper and definitely more equine. "You dip us in icky nasty vinegary stuff instead of some yummy chocolate-caramel with some tiny almond chips on top! Or nonparells! There should really be nonparells!"
The truth finally dawning on the distraught Rarity, she lifted the hem of the tablecloth up, revealing nopony other than Pinkie Pie, debating with herself on how to coat carrot slices."
"Oh, hi Rarity!" she chirped happily. "Bye, Rarity!" she shouted, vanishing in a pink blur into the shrubs.
"PINKIE PIE! You... you... fiend!"
Spike was sat on the grass, laughing, yet still trying to wolf down on the hayfries.
"Honestly, that pony has such bad taste," Rarity muttered.
Applejack's eyes were slowly closing. It had been a long morning of applebucking, and the lunch Granny Smith had packed her was telling her to take a good little siesta underneath the shade of an apple tree. The birds were chirping happily all around (or to an ornithologist, fighting fiercely over mating rights and territory), singing her a sweet lullaby. He leg twitched slightly, signaling her that sleep was a certainty by now.
"Aaaaplejaaaaack," a ghostly voice drifted into her near-unconscious mind. She paid it no heed.
"Aaaaaplejaaaaaaaaaack," the voice iterated, this time far louder and closer. Applejack opened one of her eyes, expecting to see her little sister calling for her from far away. With a short scan, she couldn't see anypony.
"Applejaaack! Did you forget uuuuuss."
Applejack opened both of her eyes and lifted her hat up. "Beg ya pardon?" she asked of the weird, high-pitched voice.
"You must collect us!" The voice was coming from the tree behind her, the one she'd been planning on napping against. "We're already ripe! It's our time!"
Applejack got up from the ground, brushing some of the loose leaves from her flanks. "Gosh darnit, can't ya fellas let a gal catch a dozen winks?"
"Noooo! You must pick us."
It wasn't the first time the apples had talked to Applejack. Actually, she was pretty used to it. Usually it involved a powerful force of chaos, namely Granny Smith's apple brandy, or on occasion, Discord. "Fine. Let's get back to work then." She yawned and gave the tree a swift buck, making apples rain around her into the baskets she'd set up before her all-too-short nap.
"Nooo! It's our turn! Not theirs!" The tree close-by called. "They're still all green and stuff. They can wait."
"Norman, shush. You should know Betsy here is a proud Golden Delicious and she's well and truly ripe when she's green. I'll have none of that red or green discrimination in mah orchard, thank you very much."
"But it's our tuuurn!" called a third tree.
"Nikolai, ya know it ain't. Now shush and take in some nice sun."
"The apples are so heavyyy! And Pinkie Pie is coming to get some tasty apple fritters in the afternoon so you should definitely hurry back to the farm and start baking!"
Applejack finally stopped bucking Betsy and shook her head, bringing herself back to full wakefulness. "Pinkie Pie, is that you pretending to be mah trees?"
"Mayyyybe," came the familiar voice from behind Nikolai, accompanied by a giggle.
Applejack laughed and wiped her forehead underneath her hat. "And here ah though all dem trees were getting uppity with Big Mac sick again."
Pinkie Pie jumped out from behind a tree. "Nope! Just me!"
Applejack laughed a bit more. "So yer cravin' for some fritters? Come by in a few hours an' Ah'll se what Ah can do."
"Yippee!" Pinkie shouted, and gaily bounced away.
Alone in the quiet orchard again, Applejack stretched to get her kickers back into gear. A half-ripe apple dropped from a tree, almost hitting her.
"Now liss'n here, Norman, Ah told ya to mind yer own business..."
Pinkie Pie caught up with her partner-in-crime close to town.
"Heh, good one, Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash said, still trying to stop laughing from the show put on by Applejack."
"Told ya!" Pinkie answered, jumping back towards town. "Now we gotta go prank Twilight!"
Rainbow Dash grew a bit more serious. "Really? Isn't two enough?"
"Dashie~! You promised to go pranking ponies with me if I bought you breakfast!"
"Well, yeah, but... eh. Fine."
When they got closer to the library, they hid inside another convenient shrub.
"I wanna see if I can make her believe her books want to be re-shelved," Pinkie said, snorting out a laugh." She circled behind Rainbow Dash. "Gimme a reload!"
"I knew there was something up when you brought me sweet bean pastries for breakfast," Rainbow Dash said as she lifted her tail up. She felt Pinkie Pie's mouth suck tightly around her exit, a not too uncomfortable, yet quite embarrassing feeling. She squeezed with her well-trained abs and let rip, feeling Pinkie suck in every last ounce.
Pinkie Pie started hopping for the library, her voice high-pitched once more, singing "Pegasus farts are helium, pegasus farts are helium..."
Author's Note
I'm sorry. I'm... well and truly sorry. It came to me in that half-awake half-very creative moment when you're waking up after a greasy dinner and a nap.
