It was at the point when he realised a giant fat man was no longer crushing his face, that Oberyn discovered he could stop screaming.
The noise and chaos of the arena was gone. Actually, so was the arena. He blinked, staring up at a perfectly blue sky, a confused hand patting the warm grass upon which he lay. It was certainly solid, and certainly grass, not the rough gravel of the battle arena at King’s Landing, nor the soft fluffy clouds of the afterlife.
He decided to sit up. To his surprise, his limbs all worked. He had a splitting headache, though.
Gingerly, he patted his face. “Eyes…” he murmured to himself, checking off the important list as his hands moved down. “Nose… chin…” It was all there. All good. None of it smeared across the floor. Had that terrible final battle been all a dream? Or was this a dream, his final death agonies reduced to a vision of pastel pleasantness?
Beside him was his trusty spear, half-broken in that awful fight where it transpired it wasn’t that much of a trusty spear at all. He picked it up and clambered to his feet, taking in the sights all around him. He was in a field of bright grass, flowers of all shapes and sizes scattered around him. In the distance he could see a small township composed of brightly coloured dwellings.
“Could… could this be the domain of the gods?” he asked in awe as he headed towards the town. Everything was so perfect, and the air was so fresh, unlike anything he had experienced in Westeros.
“Nope, just ponies!” A pink face exploded into his vision, attached to a tiny four-legged pink body that bounced with energy.
Oberyn gripped his spear and prepared to strike, but quickly realised that as he was probably dead, there was little that could hurt him at this point. He prepared to reply to the new arrival but felt his mouth refuse to work as he processed the sight. It was a brightly coloured talking pony, with chubby little cheeks and a puff of pink hair. Certainly it was unlike anything he had ridden back home in Dorne (apart from one particularly 'interesting' occassion, but that was another story). “Where… where in Westeros is this?” he finally managed to say.
“Not Westeros, Equestria!” the pony chirped happily. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, it’s good to meet you! New friends are always welcome!”
“Hello, Pinkie Pie.” Oberyn lowered his spear fully. “My name is Prince Oberyn Martell of Dorne. They call me the Red Viper. I was engaged in single combat with my bitter enemy, the Mountain That Rides.” Oberyn’s fist clenched as he recalled the memory. “He was the fiend that raped and murdered my sister and killed her children, and…”
He trailed off as the pony clapped its hooves to its ears and started to scream “LALALALALA!”
“I am sorry,” Oberyn scowled. “I am telling my dramatic backstory.”
Pinkie Pie took one of the hoofs from her ears. “No bad language!” she snapped back. “That’s not allowed here!”
“Right.” Oberyn thought about this for a bit. “He… he was a rapscallion and so we fought each other in a bloody fight, each of us sustaining horrific injuries – ”
“LALALALA!” Pinkie continued to chant.
“…We fought each other and each got grazed knees,” Oberyn snarled, “and then he…” He wrung his hands slightly. “He beat me, and I woke up here. Is this heaven?”
“Oh!” A wave of realisation came over Pinkie Pie’s face. “Yes, you mean you died and came to Equestria? Don’t worry, that happens loads!” She pattered Oberyn’s back. “Just to check, you are actually who you say you are, and not just some sort of teenager in a costume?”
Oberyn frowned at Pinkie Pie. “I am Oberyn Martell! If anyone should dare disguise themselves as me, I would have them killed!”
“Good, good!” Pinkie’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Because that happens a lot too…” She hopped across the fields, Oberyn struggling to keep up with the surprisingly fast pony. “You know,” she added, almost casually, “I think we got someone else from that Westeros place a while back. Ned Stark, his name was…”
“Ned Stark?” Oberyn let out a gasp. “Where is he? Together we would make a formidable team! We could find a way to return to Westeros, and…” He gripped the shaft of his spear hard, imaging just where he would stick it.
“Oh. No.” Pinkie Pie paused in her hopping, a serious look coming across her face. “He poked around Ponyville for a bit asking questions about Apple Bloom’s parentage. He then… had to go.” She brightened and continued on her journey. “Come on, we can hold a party for you! Fluttershy can look after your red viper!”
Soon they reached the settlement known as Ponyville, and Oberyn gazed around with wonder, running his hands over all the buildings. They were so clean, that was his first impression. A more rational mind might have wondered how these buildings were constructed, with no clear building lines or clue as to the materials, but Oberyn was not such a man.
“Amazing,” he muttered, breaking off a chunk of gingerbread roof and placing it in his mouth, chewing softly.
“Oh, you’re not really supposed to do that!” Pinkie gave a shrug. “But oh well, we’re all friends here! It’s such a happy place, you’ll love it!”
“Yes, perhaps…” Oberyn breathed in; looking about at all the pastel ponies that had started to peer out of various windows and stare at him. Birds fluttered in the sky, bees buzzed around, and he could clearly smell some apple pie cooking. “Perhaps I could be happy here.”
A pink-maned yellow pegasus trotted up to the pair, peering up at Oberyn with wide, curious eyes. “Oh wow!” she breathed. “You found one too, Pinkie?”
Pinkie Pie nodded proudly. “I did, Fluttershy! Maybe he can be friends with yours, what’s he like?”
Fluttershy thought about this for a moment. “Well…” she began. “He is big, and as everyone knows, big people are jolly! He’s just over there, look!” She pointed across Ponyville, where a large figure was running towards the gathering.
“OBERYN!” The voice chilled Oberyn to the bone as it rebounded off the buildings with its deep, gravelly tones. It was the Mountain, large as life, his huge armoured form thundering over the grass and gravel, a massive sword waving above his head.
“Oh, look how happy he is to see you!” Fluttershy clapped her hooves together in delight. “I knew this would be a good day!”
Oberyn hefted his half-spear in his hands and positioned himself in front of the two ponies. “Get behind me, ladies! Ones so beautiful as you should not have to see the agony I am about to inflict!” He started running towards the Mountain, ready to strike. “I thought I had escaped your foul evil!”
The Mountain’s eyes were fixed on Oberyn, full of malice and anger, flecks of spittle running down his huge beard. Every step he took in his boots caused great dents in the ground. “I have chased you to this place, and I will hunt you down through all seven hells! You will have no final rest!” he roared, sweeping his mighty sword in an arc, intent on slicing Oberyn in half.
Quickly, Oberyn did a particularly sweet double-somersault, vaulting away from the Mountain’s strike, letting it harmlessly cleave a stone fountain in two. He started to pirouette towards a particularly large tree at the edge of the village that (for some reason) housed a castle in its branches. “You’ll have to do better than that, my friend!”
The Mountain kicked over the remains of the fountain, face burning red with fury. “You don’t know when to die!” he rasped, turning to run after his foe, trampling poor innocent flowerbeds in his wake. As he passed, ponies darted back inside their houses, slamming doors and shutters for protection.
“I will hear you confess!” Oberyn cried, ducking behind the tree. “I know you did before, but I was slightly distracted that time!”
“I confess nothing!” The Mountain tried to catch Oberyn, but the smaller man was too quick, darting around the side of the tree. The Mountain turned slowly to bound in the opposite direction, but Oberyn quickly realised the plan, sprinting away. The giant man punched the trunk of the tree in frustration.
“Elia Martell of Dorne! You raped her! You murdered her! You killed her children!” Oberyn yelled, running fully around the tree and preparing to plunge his spear into the Mountain’s back.
The Mountain slowly turned, the spear deflecting off an iron gauntlet. He raised a fist to try and smash it into Oberyn’s face, but Oberyn ducked, darting away to the opposite side of the tree. The fist impacted into the trunk again, causing the entire structure to shudder.
“Stop that!” squeaked a voice from high up in the tree-castle building.
“You raped her! You murdered her!” Oberyn taunted from his position of safety, keeping pace with the Mountain, so that the tree was between them at all times. “You killed her children!”
“I’ve had enough of this!” That said, the Mountain hefted his gigantic blade again, and with one stroke cut through the entire trunk of the tree-like building. With a creak, it toppled to the ground, sending a dust cloud high into the bright blue sky, shards of crystal, tree and stone flying everywhere. The Mountain grinned as Oberyn’s protection was gone. “Now we finish this!” he screamed.
“Yes!” Oberyn raised his spear, ready to stab it into his foe’s face. But something was wrong. Panicked, he realised he couldn’t bring his arm forwards to deliver the killing blow, he was trapped in place! Helplessly he stood before the Mountain, waiting for his enemy to defeat him once more, but the strike never came.
The Mountain was similarly frozen, a look of panic on his face as he tried to move his sword.
“I told you to stop!” A purple unicorn with wings struggled out of the wreckage of the tree-castle, her face set in a vision of rage that rivalled either of the two combatants. She looked around at the ruins and sighed heavily. “I only just got this thing! Now, do you two promise to behave?”
“Ys.” Oberyn managed a semblance of a reply, and his enemy did the same. He could see beads of sweat dripping down the Mountain’s forehead, his obvious distress causing Oberyn a degree of smugness.
With a flash, both men found themselves able to move. With the due deference one takes when given a second chance at peace and reconciliation, they both raised their weapons again and prepared to strike with blood-curdling screams.
There was a second flash, and Oberyn was once more frozen in place. “Wow,” the unicorn growled, glaring up at the two men. “Liars as well!”
“And swearers, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie bounced up to the scene, somehow managing to avoid all the rubble strewn about. “They keep saying naughty words! But I’ve got a plan!”
“We’re going to redeem them!” Fluttershy crept into the scene, staying just that little bit further away from the chaos. “It worked with Discord, maybe these two are both lovely, deep down. Deep, deep down!”
The unicorn shook her head and then addressed her two prisoners. “Okay, listen up. My name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and you just broke my house. We only have one rule here in Ponyville, and that is to play nice, and be friendly. Sorry, two rules. Now, I’m going to let you go again, and perhaps you can reconsider your lives.”
Oberyn felt life return to his limbs once more, and pointed an accusing finger at the Mountain. “That man killed my sister and her children! He is a rapist and a murderer, and I demand that – ”
“LALALALALA!” Twilight clapped her hooves to her ears and looked over to Pinkie Pie in disbelief. “Wow, you’re right! What a potty mouth!”
The Mountain lunged towards the purple pony, and to Oberyn’s horror, it looked as if he was about to tear her in half. Instead, the giant of a man fell to one knee and bowed his head. “I am your servant, princess!” he rumbled in his deep, gravelly voice. “Let me smite your enemies!” He glanced up in Oberyn’s direction. “I will make sure his tongue never offends you again!”
Twilight smiled and patted him on the head, unaware of the terrible, terrible danger that was putting her dainty hooves in. “Oh, what a nice, helpful man! See, that’s more like it!” She sighed heavily at Oberyn. “Why can’t you be more like him?”
“But he is a rapist and a murderer!” Oberyn half-screamed in frustration. He was met with another wave of ‘La-la'-ing.
“Also, my lady, let me put right this damage!” The Mountain stood up, considered the shattered castle-tree, and in one motion wrapped his beefy arms around the trunk and hefted it up, slamming the structure upright into the ground. It creaked violently, more rubble falling from above.
“Thank you, that’s… very helpful…” Twilight started to walk backwards to get out of the way for the moment that the castle-tree inevitably toppled over again.
Pinkie Pie grinned manically, somehow wrapping her hooves around both Oberyn and the Mountain, pulling them in for a big hug. “This calls for a super-special party for our new best friends!”
***
Oberyn sat hunched in a small pony-sized wooden chair, picking at the cupcake he held in his hands. He was a warrior destined for vengeance, not an eater of fancy cakes! The room was full of multi-coloured ponies all having a wonderful time, dancing to music and eating various sweets. This was not like the parties Oberyn was used to, though at least almost everyone was naked.
The Mountain was sat at the opposite end of the room, still in his armour and surrounded by fawning ponies, roaring with laughter at every little joke that they told him. Next to him was a gigantic pile of cakes, which he would pick up and shove whole into his mouth one by one.
Oberyn scowled at him, tightening his fists. He knew that he could get across the room and strike the killing blow in moments, but the magic of these ponies would easily stop him from making any violent moves.
“Cheer up!” Pinkie Pie shoved a plate of chocolate éclairs in his face. “Come on, why can’t you be redeemed like Mr Mountain here?”
“He is not redeemed!” Oberyn barked back at Pinkie. “He is just eating cake! He is still a murderer and a rap – ”
“LALALALA!” Pinkie sang with her hooves in her ears. She smiled sweetly back at the Mountain. “You are redeemed, aren’t you, Mr Mountain?”
The Mountain nodded his great head, and gently ruffled the mane of a cute pink filly that sat on his lap. “Yes,” he growled. “I am no longer the Mountain That Rides, I am now the Mountain That Rides Ponies. Come Oberyn, let me hug you in friendship!” He opened his large, crushing arms in invitation.
“Let me stick my spear in your side in brotherly love!” Oberyn hissed back, to the disapproving look of Pinkie.
“Here you go, my friend! Have some delicious food!” The Mountain reached over to a table and picked up a watermelon in his gauntleted hands. He applied pressure to the melon, exploding it in a shower of red pulp. “Whoops,” he deadpanned.
“Oh, what a silly mistake!” Pinkie Pie slapped her forehead.
“No, he is mocking me!” Oberyn rose to his feet, throwing away the plate of éclairs. “Mountain, I challenge you to a fight to the death!”
“No! No fights!” Twilight Sparkle looked up from the bowl of jelly she had been devouring. “That doesn’t happen here! Sit down and embrace the magic of friendship like the Mountain has!”
“Yeah!” The Mountain picked up another melon, pressing his thumbs into it. It burst in his hands. “Oh no, it happened again.”
Oberyn sat, gripping the arms of his chair in barely pent up rage. His only hope was that once the ponies had fallen asleep, he could then be free to slay his enemy.
Fluttershy, meanwhile, fussed about the Mountain, wiping melon juice and cake crumbs from his beard. “Oh, Mr Mountain, you must be more careful! But, you know…” She smiled sweetly at him. “You’ve come so far in embracing the spirit of friendship… There’s someone here who wants to meet you!” She waved across to the doorway. “Come on, don’t be scared!”
A little black pony with a flecked grey mane trotted into the room, starting up at the Mountain, taking shaking steps towards him. She looked up with large, trembling eyes. “M-Mountain-chan?” she squeaked nervously.
The Mountain let the cake he had been devouring fall from his lips in shock. Eyes wide, he stood up, barely able to contain his surprise. “M-Miss Whinny?” he gasped, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
“Mountain-chan!” The pony began to cry too, leaping into his arms and embracing him. “I-I came here when I died. Oh senpai!”
“Miss Whinny!” The Mountain tenderly nuzzled the pony, returning the embrace as softly as he could. “I missed you so much! I’m so sorry I hurt you!”
“Oh, for pity’s sake.” Oberyn sank further into his chair and angrily bit on an éclair that he had rescued from the floor. Cream squirted down his jacket, ruining it.
Fluttershy flashed Oberyn a disapproving look, and then beamed at the Mountain. “See, we told you that you weren’t the only visitors from Westeros! Miss Whinny has been here some time. Did you two have a falling out back home?”
“I cut off her head at the tournament!” The Mountain started to bawl, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I didn’t mean it, Miss Whinny! You were the best horse in the world!”
“I-I thought I had upset you, baka!” Miss Whinny wailed. “My Mountain-senpai was so angry!”
“And now we are together forever!” The Mountain controlled his tears, sniffing heavily. “Thank you, thank you all!”
“That’s it! That is it!” Oberyn rose to his feet again, bunching his fists. “I’ve had it! He’s not changed, he’s still an insane murderer, why can't you see it? He cut off that horse’s head, and now you’re all okay with this?”
“I said sorry!” The Mountain held Miss Whinny protectively.
“He said sorry!” Pinkie echoed. “What more do you want?”
“Blood!” Oberyn crossed his arms. “I want to finish our fight! I want his confession for the murder of my sister, and the name of the man who gave the orders! That is all that is important in this life, not some stupid horse with a ridiculous speech impediment!”
“Miss Whinny is not stupid!” The Mountain dropped the pony and turned to Oberyn, hand going to his scabbard. “I accept your challenge, Viper!”
Twilight tutted from the corner of the room. “No,” she called. “No, you can’t! It’s not in the rules! No fighting!” She bit her lip, considering for a moment. “Though I suppose there is something we can do to let you boys blow off steam…”
***
The centre of Ponyville thronged with a multi-coloured horde of cheering ponies, all clustered around what had been dubbed ‘the arena of combat’. Oberyn stood at the edge, looking into the middle disdainfully. He had not been allowed even his spear. This event, he had been told, would test his mettle against the Mountain in a rigorous yet kid-friendly manner.
A small table covered in green felt had been erected at the very centre of Ponyville, and it was towards this that the Mountain strode, breaking through the crowd in his armoured frame and stopping only to give Miss Whinny a ruffle on the head. She passed him a flagon of cider, blushing furiously.
Oberyn rolled his eyes, and drank from his own cider.
“Should you be drinking before the match?” Pinkie Pie peered at him curiously. “And aren’t you at least going to wear a helmet, these things can be dangerous!”
“I don’t need a hel – ” Oberyn immediately realised the folly of his words and looked down at Pinkie. “Do you have a helmet?”
“Nope!” Pinkie shook her head firmly.
“Well… I’m not going to wear a helmet then.” Oberyn downed the last of his cider and started to sprint towards the Mountain, cartwheeling and back flipping his way to the table.
The crowd roared with appreciation as the two combatants took their places opposite each other, leading over the table, eyes fixed together in pure hate.
“Now then, boys.” Twilight Sparkle trotted up to the table, and began to lay out a bowl in the centre, and scattered several coloured discs on the felt. “I don’t know if you have this game where you come from, but in Equestria, ‘Tiddlywinks’ is a challenging game of the utmost skill.” She glanced down at her clunky hooves, comparing them to the humans fingers. “I have a feeling it will be a bit easier for you though. You each have to knock your pieces into the bowl with your flickers, the first to get all theirs in, wins. Then you will become friends. That’s in the rules too, so you have to do it.”
“Hah!” Oberyn let a cocky smile cross his lips. “I played tiddlywinks all my life in Dorne! You stand no chance, Mountain! I will destroy you!”
The Mountain’s simply smirked, letting out a low, rumbling laugh. “Foolish prince!” he growled. “I am the Westeros tiddlywink champion! None has yet defeated me! Look!” From his gauntlet, he pulled out his trusty personal iron tiddlywink flicker, emblazoned with the Clegane crest of a fist punching a kitten. “This will be easier than the last time. A… crushing defeat for you!”
“Okay?” Twilight smiled at the two, and took out a whistle. “And… go!” She sounded the whistle, a shrill blast echoing through the air.
The Viper and the Mountain began to frantically tiddle their winks, flicking the little discs at the cup for all they were worth. The crowd started to bellow cries of encouragement for both sides. Oberyn gritted his teeth and worked faster, glancing every so often at the massive form of the Mountain as he used his personal flicker to knock the first disc into the cup.
The Mountain may have been huge and slow, but he was a very precise tiddlywink player. Every one of his shots was deliberate, with immense power behind it. Meanwhile Oberyn darted his hand about in a graceful ballet, plucking at each of his coloured discs, moving them closer and closer to the target.
“You can do it!” Pinkie shouted from the side-lines. “Go Oberyn!”
“No!” Miss Whinny cried. “Mountain-chan!”
With a hiss of victory, Oberyn got his first disc into the cup, and then stabbed at the next, flicking it in as well. He leapt into the air, spinning across the grass and doing a cartwheel.
“No! No! Back to the match!” Pinkie called out. “The match!”
Oberyn did a handstand and jumped back to the table, his energy levels replenished. He immediately flicked two more discs into the pot, leaving just one more. Victory was within his grasp. Smugly, he noted that the Mountain was struggling. The great brute’s fancy flicker had become caught in the felt.
“Yes! You’ve got him! Flick it in!” Pinkie screamed. “Do it!”
The crowd started to chant Oberyn’s name as he positioned his flicker over the last tiddlywink. He paused. “Oh no, my friend! I will not let you be defeated until you have confessed!”
“Never!” the Mountain grunted, still trying to free his own flicker.
“Elia Martell of Dorne!” Oberyn changed the direction of his flick, sending his tiddlywink towards the Mountain’s. “You raped her!” He started to flick his tiddlywink in a circle around the Mountain’s piece. “You murdered her! You killed her children!”
The cries of the crowd began to die, replaced with confused mumblings. “No! No!” Pinkie jumped up and down, tugging on her hair in agitation. “What are you doing? Just finish it!”
Oberyn’s eyes twinkled as he drank in the Mountain’s frustrations, locking eyes with him. He continued to flick his piece around his foe’s. “You raped her! You murdered her! You –” Something was wrong. He tried to move his piece but couldn’t.
He looked down in horror. His tiddlywink had slipped underneath the Mountain’s and was now pinned beneath it, helpless.
“Yes, I killed her children,” the Mountain boomed, an evil smile breaking on his face as he ground down brutally on the tiddlywink with his flicker. “Then I raped her. Then I murdered her. And I did it…” He slammed down hard on his own piece. “…Like this!”
Oberyn gasped helplessly as the Mountain launched his tiddlywink into the air. The force of his flick sent it spinning high, and then it fell back down at hypersonic speeds, landing on Oberyn’s own piece with a terrifying crunch, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Oberyn screamed, toppling over backwards to fall and hit his head on a watermelon that burst open all over the ground.
“Well, that was… different…” Twilight trotted back to the table over the gasps of the crowd and stared at the prone form of Oberyn. “Huh. He’s dead. I guess it was the shock of losing.” She shook her head and raised the Mountain’s hand. “Well, I declare the Mountain the… Oh.”
The Mountain toppled forwards onto the table, lifeless.
“What happened?” Pinkie Pie bounced over, looking between the two in astonishment. “It was just tiddlywinks, Twilight!” She reached out for one of the pieces. Twilight smacked her hoof away.
“Ah, I think you will find,” Twilight picked up the Mountain’s remaining piece, “that the viper always fights with poison.” She peered closer at the tiddlywink. “Oh, wait. No, it’s not a poison tiddlywink. No idea then. Just… throw the bodies in the pit with the rest.”
As the crowd surged forwards to see what had happened, Miss Whinny slipped away, tucking the vial of cyanide and empty bottles of cider back into her saddleback. “That’ll show them both!” she squeaked, quickly adding: “chan.”
***
Oberyn sat up violently, gasping for air. None came. He was drowning! He clambered to his feet in panic, feeling shifting sand beneath his feet. Oddly, a third death was not forthcoming, and he found himself somehow able to stand on the ocean bed without his lungs instantly filling with water.
“Odd…” he burbled, bubbles rising out of his mouth. He was in some sort of underwater town, next to a large yellow structure. A hand reached out to brush against it. “A… pineapple?” he muttered, trying to work out where he was.
“OBERYN!” From over the watery horizon, a huge armoured figure bounced in slow motion, wielding a mighty spatula in one fist.
“Take this!” Oberyn looked down, to find a tiny sponge handing him a frying pan. He gratefully accepted the weapon, raising it above his head and bounding through the sea towards his foe.
Their epic battle across the multiverse continued.
