When Rainbow Dash Went to a Casino (and what happened because of it)
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When Rainbow Dash Went to a Casino (and what happened because of it)
When Rainbow Dash Went to a Casino (and what happened because of it)
Months had passed since Fluttershy murdered Celestia. Fluttershy sat in her bed in the darkness of her room, wallowing in her own pity. Twilight Sparkle let herself in and went up to Fluttershy's room.
"Hey, Fluttershy?" Twilight said calmly.
"What?" Flutters responded sadly,
"We're all going on a road trip. I thought you might wanna come to help ease your sorrow."
"No, I'm sorry, Twilight, I just can't get over killing Celestia. I don't really feel like leaving my house."
"When do you think you'll be able to leave?"
"I don't know, Twilight. Probably in about 10 years. At least."
"I kind of thought you would say something like that. RAINBOW DASH!!!" Rainbow Dash burst through the window with a rag. She stuck the rag on Fluttershy's face, effectively rendering Fluttershy unconscious, due to the fact that the rag was coated with chloroform.
Twilight and Dashie dragged Fluttershy's body into a car and buckled her in. Dashie hopped in the driver's seat, turned the key, turned on the wicked rock tunes, and began the journey on the road. About a mile down the road, Twilight Sparkle spoke up from the front seat she was in,
"Hey, Dash?"
"Yeah, Spark?"
"Where in Equestria are we going?"
"Oh yeah. Forgot to tell everypony." Rainbow Dash spoke up to every conscious pony in the van,
"Alright everypony," she said, "thanks for blindly coming on a road trip with me. Now that you're all here, I'm gonna tell you where we're going. Now, remember, this trip is for the sake of getting Fluttershy to feel better. And it's also somewhere I've always wanted to go, and somewhere that I think we'd all like together. As friends. Now, do you all have money with you?"
"Whah, yeah," AJ replied, "who in Equestria wouldn't bring money to a road trip?!?!"
"Just making sure, Applejack. Just making sure. Now it's time to tell you where we're going, drumroll please." Every other conscious pony in the vehicle made a drumroll with their hooves.
"WE'RE GOING TO THE FAMOUS F&F CASINO/HOTEL IN LAS PEGASUS!!!"
"What?" Twilight replied, "We're going to a casino? What's wrong with you!? GAMBLING!?!?"
"Oh calm down, Twilight. As long as we gamble in moderation, we'll have a good time."
"Ok..."
The gang drove endlessly on the open horizons of the Equestrian highway.
"How many miles left?" Rarity asked,
"We're about halfway there," Dash replied.
"I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Pinkie screamed.
"There's a gas station up ahead," Rainbow replied, "we'll stop there so you can go pee."
"TOO LATE!" Pinkie replied.
"You've gotta be kidding me," Dash said,
"Yeah, I am. But I still gotta go."
The group pulled up to the Arrive & Leave gas station outside of Dodge Junction. Dash filled up the car as everypony else (other than the still unconscious Fluttershy) went into the store.
"Hey, Twilight!" Dash yelled.
"Yeah?" Twi responded,
"Get me a 52 oz. Beast!"
"52 ounces of Beast!? 12 ounces of that stuff is enough!"
"Just get it, I'll pay you back! I needz mah energy drinks!"
"Fine!"
The gang left the gas station. Pinkie pie wore a souvenir soda drinking hat and Twilight gave Dash her 52 oz. energy drink.
"Thanks, Twi."
"You're welcome. You still owe me like 15 bucks."
"15? What the?! I thought their 52 oz drinks were like, 1!"
"Yeah, actually they are. Unless it's an expensive energy drink. Those are 15."
"Ugh. That's a load of bull-" Pinkie Pie blew a loud airhorn right then.
"Hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles."
"Whatever, I'll pay you when I'm a millionaire."
"You know that's not guaranteed, right?"
"Psssh," Dash scoffed, "for me, it totally is. You know how many ponies try to fly with the Wonderbolts? A LOT."
"So?"
"You know how many ponies wish they could help save Equestria on a weekly basis? A LOT."
"So?"
"I'm a flippin' Element of Harmony, Twilight. Me, just a regular ol' pegasus from Cloudsdale. I'd say I'm a pretty lucky girl."
"Ok, but have you ever been to a casino?"
"Once. When I was a kid. I watched as my dad DOUBLED his money on a slot machine! He put in 1 bit, and whaduuya know, out came 2! Oh yeah, and when I was a filly, I went to the arcade, like all the time, and that arcade had a slot machine for tokens. 52% of the time I used it, I at least doubled my token amount!"
"52%?"
"Yeah, and do you know what that rounds up to, Twilight?"
"100?"
"Yeah, and that means I'm guaranteed to become a millionaire at the F&F Casino!"
"No you're not! That's barely even halfwa-" Twilight got interrupted by Pinkie Pie screaming
"COME ON GUYS, WE'VE GOTTA GO! I CALL SHOTGUN!!!"
"Ok! Twilight said, "But Rainbow Dash,"
"Yeah?" She replied,
"Please be careful. As willing as I would be to let you crash at my place if you gambled your life away, I don't want that to have to happen."
"Ok, but that is certainly NOT happening."
Twiley and Dashie got into the car and the ride down the road began again.
After about 30 minutes, a news bulletin came on the radio saying
"This just in, a horrible murder has occurred in the mare's bathroom of the Arrive & Leave gas station outside of Dodge Junction, authorities say this murder probably happened about thirt-" Pinkie Pie cut off the broadcast by turning the radio off.
"Hey, Pinkie?" Twilight asked,
"Yeah, Twi?" Pinkie responded,
"Why did you turn it off? I was kind of interested in that. I think the guy on the radio said that it happened about thirty minutes ago."
"Hey, we were there thirty minutes ago!" AJ remarked.
"I just didn't want to hear sad news," Pinkie replied, "I wanna hear HAPPY MUSIC!"
"Ya know," AJ said, "Ah think that's a good idea! Good thing Ah brought mah gee-tar!" Applejack pulled her guitar out from under the seat.
"Let's sing a road song!" She said.
"That's a GREAT idea!" Pinkie screamed.
"Oh brother....." Dash said to herself. AJ strummed a G chord and began to sing
"99 bottles of pop on the wall...."
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Rainbow Dash screamed.
When the total amount of bottles of pop on the wall was near 24, Fluttershy began to wake up. Without question, she joined in the song
"23 bottles of pop on the wa-" AJ sang, "Wait, guys, stop!" Everyone stopped singing.
"Thank Celestia." Dash thought.
"Fluttershy is awake!"
The gang all rejoiced in the fact that their friend had awoken from the depths of her chloroform induced slumber.
"Hey guys," Flutters said, "I guess you're taking me on that road trip anyway. Where are we going?"
"The famous F&F Hotel and Casino in Las Pegasus!" Dash replied.
"That sounds fun, I've never been to Las Pegasus before! Can we go see Daniel Bronzeranch?"
"I already have tickets!"
"Yay. Now I have one question."
"What's that?"
"What's a casino?" Rainbow Dash almost spit out the Beast in her mouth, but managed to swallow,
"WHAT'S A CASINO!?!?"
"I'm sorry, are you mad? I don't want you to be mad. I guess I'll just unbuckle and ninja-roll out of the vehicle so I can walk home to be away from you and not make you mad anymore."
"Don't do that, you'll kill yourself."
"It's better for me to be dead than to make my friends mad." Fluttershy began to unbuckle, but stopped when Rainbow Dash replied
"I'm not mad. I'm just surprised."
"Oh good," Flutters re-buckled herself, "now what is a casino?"
"A casino, my friend," Dash said, "is a magical place full of cool machines that you can play. You can play poker and slot machines and roulettes! It's SO cool! All this stuff you play can give you da phat stax! You'll get rich every time you go to a casino!"
"Really?"
"No, Fluttershy," Twilight said, "Rainbow Dash is just being ridiculous."
"I am not!" Dash said.
"Anyways, a casino is kind of like an arcade, but instead of tokens, you use real money. But you have to be careful, because if you don't, you could lose everything."
"Oh, ok," Fluttershy said, "but I didn't bring any money."
"Yeah you did," Dash said, "I grabbed your wallet when I kidnapped you to go on this trip."
"Oh. Ok."
"Ah think," AJ said, "that Fluttershah here should enjoy in our musical fun! We're goin' back to 99 bottles of pop!"
"NOOOO!" Dash screamed, "WHY MUST THE UNIVERSE CURSE ME SO!?!?"
"The fault, dear Rainbow Dash-" Pinkie said before she got cut off by Rainbow Dash,
"Oh give it a rest!"
"Don't be a lemon, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie said, "be a rosebud!"
"Ooooooh," AJ sang as she strummed a G, "99 bottles of pop on the wall..."
Eventually, the gang got to Las Pegasus and checked into the hotel.
"Hey, Dash?" Twilight asked, "Why did you get us the top floor penthouse suite?"
"Duh," Dash replied, "I'm practically a millionaire already. Might as well spend it."
"If you don't have the money yet, why would you spend it!?"
"The magic of Equestrian Express. I practically have all the money in the world already."
"That's not how credit cards work, Rainbow Dash. You've still gotta pay them back the money you spent, PLUS interest."
"It doesn't really matter though, Twilight. I'm RICH, ok. I am GUARANTEED to OFFICIALLY become a millionaire, even though I practically am already."
"Rainbow Dash, I am sorry, but you are being stupid."
"Psh, whatever. you'll see, Twilight, you'll ALL see."
The gang all enjoyed their stay in the best room the F&F had to offer. Complimentary room service, 6 king sized beds, all in separate rooms (each with their own huge bathroom, including tub and shower), a 95 inch flatscreen, the hotel's fastest wifi, and ALL the movie channels. It was a great room alright, but for Rainbow Dash, the casino was better.
"Alright guys, it's time to become rich!" Dash said.
The gang went down to the casino and went to exchange their paper money for coins. Twilight went to the desk and said to the two ponies there,
"I'd like to exchange this for coins please." The ponies turned around to answer her, but what Twiley saw shocked her.
"FLIM FLAM!?"
"Why yes, young filly," Flim replied, "what do you think F&F stands for?"
Applejack turned around to see what Twilight saw,
"What in the world?" AJ said, "Flim and Flam?"
"Yes, Applejack," Flam said, "It is us. What do you think F&F stands for? Friendship Fails?"
"Whah are ya runnin' a casino? Yer givin away a lot of money there, Ah thought yer job was to scam people."
"It is. Casinos get WAY more money than they give. I'll let you in on a little secret, every slot machine we have here has 4 wheels on it, instead of the typical 3. To get the jackpot, you'd have to get 4 consecutive pictures of our faces, instead of the typical number 7. Now as you already know, we are con artists, but that's how casinos work. The F&F is so famous because we have the MOST slot machines, but the odds are not nearly as good as anypony else's. So really, we have many many many many ponies coming here, whether it's to stay at the hotel, play at the casino, or both, they give us our money, but they rarely get that much back. Long story short, we get a lot of money, more than the typical casino owner. Between you and me, kid, the odds of getting jackpot are 1 in 16,777,216. And even if a jackpot was somehow won by somepony, we would still be rich because the jackpot is whatever is in the machine already, and since we have so many machines, the money spent is evenly distributed throughout the large amount of machines."
"Dang. Ah never really thought about it that way. Casinos really are a scam." At that moment, a bell rang from a slot machine, signaling the win of a jackpot.
"Well Ah'll be. Looks like somepony actually hit the 1 in 16,777,216 jackpot."
Flim, Flam, Twilight, and Applejack went over to see who had won. Twi and AJ were shocked to see that the lucky pony was Fluttershy.
"Yaaaaaaaaaay." Fluttershy said in her soft voice. Flim and Flam approached her,
"Congratulations young filly, YOU'VE just won 5,000 bits! What are you gonna do next?"
"Uh. I don't know."
"That's ok, you can pick up your check when you leave today!!!"
"Yay."
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash struggled to even get 1 bit. She tried every machine and every game, yet failed miserably.
"Hey, Rarity," Dash asked, "how good are you doing?"
"Oh," she replied, "I'm doing FABULOUS! I've TRIPLED my money! How are you doing?"
"Not so great, Rarity. I've actually lost all my money for the night. But I know that someday this week, I'll get rich."
Twilight walked up,
"So, Dash, I can see you've miserably failed in gaining any money. I'm not gonna say I told you so, but-"
"Don't rub it in, Twilight," Dash replied, "It's gonna happen and I know it!"
"Don't get your hopes up."
Days passed and Rainbow Dash's funds decreased. It was after the last night of gambling and the gang was packing to leave the next morning.
"Guys," Dash said to Twiley and Fluttershy, "I gotta tell you something."
"Yes" Twilight replied,
"You know how I made a 'budget' and only brought a certain amount of money to gamble so I wouldn't ruin my life?"
"Yes...."
"I lied. I DID bring a budgeted amount of cash, buuuuuuut....."
"But what?"
"I also brought a credit card."
"YOU WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!?"
"My entire week's budget ran out on day two. I've gambled thousands of dollars since then using my credit card."
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"Sadly I'm not. I've won a couple of games, but none of them have gotten me anything big. Everything I won went straight back in another slot machine."
"RAINBOW DASH!"
"I also maxed out my $10,000 limit on my credit card."
"Mother of Celestia, Rainb-"
"Hey Twilight," Rainbow said quietly, cutting off Twilight Sparkle in the middle of her sentence.
"What?"
"Watch your words. Fluttershy is standing right there." Flutters held in her tears for a moment, but then she ran away crying.
"Sorry Fluttershy!" Twilight yelled.
"So anyway," Dash said, "I maxed out my Equestrian Express card, so then I applied for a Versa,"
"Let me guess, you maxed that out?"
"Ummm..."
"I'm going to take that as a yes."
"Yeah, you're right. So then I got a personal loan of $20,000, which I spent. Then I borrowed $10,000 from my life insurance, which I spent."
"How much debt is that?
"50 grand."
"RAINBOW DASH!"
"I'm not done."
"Ugh."
"I stole somepony's identity and got a student loan in their name for $100,000."
"So now you're 150k in debt, AND you're a criminal!?"
"No, I'm still 50k in debt at this point, since I stole an identity, somepony named Roseluck is 100k in debt. But yeah, I'm still a criminal."
"Is that the end of your debt?"
"Yes. Buuuuuut....."
"But what?"
"Let's just say I'm going to be staying at your place for a while."
"You got evicted from a cloud?"
"Yup."
"Gaaah! Did you ever even think of calling 1-800-522-4700?"
"Huh?"
"Gambling help hotline."
"Um. No."
"I'm actually going to say it this time. I told you so!"
"I'm sorry, Twilight. I really am. I have a problem."
"I know, Rainbow Dash, I know. We all have our problems."
"So I guess I'm staying with you for the rest of my life."'
"We'll all help you get back up again." Fluttershy came back over.
"It's ok, Rainbow Dash," Flutershy said, "I won $20,000 this week and I'll give it ALL to you."
"Fluttershy," Dash said, "you don't have to do that."
"No, Rainbow Dash. I insist."
"Thank you, Fluttershy, but I just can't accept that."
"Yes you can. And if you don't take it, I'll burn the cash right here, right now, in front of everyone's eyes, potentially setting the building on fire, and if that happens, we won't be able to escape since we're on the highest floor of the building. So if you don't take this cash, we will all die."
"Well if it comes to that, I guess I'm going to have to take it." Fluttershy handed the cash to Rainbow Dash.
"Fluttershy," Dash said, "if you're going to give this to me, I can spend it however I want, right?"
"Well I guess so. Ideally, it'll go to paying off your debt, but I guess you could use it to buy basic necessities for life as well."
"Well then I'm going to spend it on you."
"If you give it back to me, this building goes up in flames."
"I know you're serious about killing us all like if I give it back, but will you at least take $5,000 as a sign of gratitude?"
"Well, I guess that's fair enough. Thank you." Rainbow Dash handed her $5,000.
"No, Fluttershy. Thank you."
The gang packed up and went home the next morning.
Rainbow Dash slept peacefully. Fluttershy decided to wake her up since it was almost noon. Fluttershy gently nudged her and softly said
"Wake up, Rainbow Dash, wake up." Dash woke up and saw the clouds. She looked around and saw that she herself was on a cloud, even though she had been evicted from her own. She noticed that it actually was her house. She was very confused and said to Fluttershy,
"Huh? Wait, what?"
"What's wrong, Rainbow Dash?"
"Is this my cloud?"
"Um, yeah."
"MY cloud?"
"Yes, Rainbow Dash, it is."
"Fluttershy, I had a horrible dream!"
"What happened?"
"We all went to a casino and I went broke so I got multiple credit cards that I maxed out so I borrowed 10 grand from my life insurance and stole 100 grand using somepony else's identity. I also got evicted, but now I know that I'm not, so I know it was all a dream."
"Um, Rainbow Dash..."
"Yeah?"
"That all actually happened."
"What?"
"Yeah. You did get evicted."
"But why am I in my cloud?"
"After you get evicted, they give you a few days to move out."
"Aw come on."
"Yeah it's true. Twilight moved all your stuff to her house and we just let you sleep on your cloud for one last time. We also took the 15 grand I gave you and immediately paid off most of your credit card debt. You went from 50k to 35k in total debt."
"Well, thanks for that."
"But you've also been convicted of identity theft, but we're trying to work that out with Luna."
"Ok, thanks. So you're positive this all happened and I'm actually a convict that's also 35 grand in debt?"
"Totally positive."
"Nuts."
Author's Note
Arrive & Leave is a play on Kum & Go (a gas station company common in the south). If you didn't realize it, Beast is a play on Monster. Daniel Bronzeranch is a cheesy pun on David Copperfield.
