Sobs racked her body as she slowly – painfully – tried to edge herself away from me. She remained close to the ground, I wondered if it was physical pain or her humiliation that kept her from standing up on her legs and walking away. Without thinking I reached for her. It was no more than a small movement – my paw didn't even cross half the distance that separated us, but she visibly flinched nonetheless. In all my wretched existence I had never sunk this low. I had caused chaos everywhere I went, had turned lives upside down, but I had never lost myself so completely to chaos to do this. I wasn't sure if I had ever prided myself on the fact that I had never physically hurt a mare in all my existence, but I certainly no longer had that claim any longer. I had violated a defenseless mare, and worse it was the only pony that I had ever cared about. The only one who had ever cared about me. She is the only one who in my endless life I had ever loved.
"Fluttershy?" my voice didn't sound like my own. Her body froze, aside from the slight trembling that was present along the length of her back and shoulders. Once I was the one who protected her. Now she feared me, and with good reason. She needed protection from me. We had once been friends, true friends, but now . . .
At this she started to cry. I hated the sound. I hated myself even more for being the cause of it. They were harsh, and desperate – as if she couldn't breathe. Her tiny frame shuddered so greatly with each breath that it looked as if she might shatter. I crawled across to her, silently begging that she wouldn't try to pull away. I gathered her in my arms, and carried her through her bedroom and to her bathroom. I needed to be the one who fixed this, I needed to go back to before I had let myself be consumed by chaotic darkness, so that I can be her friend once more.
I vaguely noticed she is shaking her head. No. No? Why Fluttershy? Why won't you let me help you? I did this to you, it is therefore I should be the one to help you, fix you, and let you forget. We could pretend this never happened if you would only let me. She has gone silent, her eyes dull, and staring ahead. The crying has stopped, thankfully, yet I'm not sure if her current state is any improvement. Only her slight shaking head gives any indication that she is a living. Her eyes are so blank that she looks exactly as the doll. She would make a wonderful doll. A doll to do with whatever I pleased. The thought ran through my mind before I could stop it. The idea was one that would have repulsed me months ago, back when had first seen Fluttershy's beautiful smile directed at me. Now I could hear the whispers in my mind, how perfect she would be as a doll, forever with me long after death could claim her.
I sat her down on the cold tiled floor. She was shivering, still trying to cover her abused body with the remains of her dress, which I had brutally ripped. I pulled a blanket out for her. She took it but didn't look at me, or give any indication that she knew someone was in the room with her. All my life I had performed, my chaos and magic showing everyone that I existed and that I was there, there and that they should pay attention to me. I couldn't stand to be ignored by her.
I looked at her body for the first time, seeing blood run down her thighs. I left her lying on the floor as I went in search of some cloth to clean her up. It seemed a pathetic attempt to fix the situation. I grabbed an old shirt of mine and tore it up before returning through her bedroom. I sat down on her bed, contemplating. I needed her. I couldn't let her leave, knowing she would never willingly return. Would it be so bad if I were to just keep her here? I would always be able to help her and protect her if I were to keep her in my home. She would be happy with me again, in time. I could entertain her; I could bring her Angel and her pets, bring her friends of she wanted them. Maybe that was just the way things were meant to be. I was chaos; I could never live as a normal pony. And Fluttershy, her soul is too delicate, I have seen that from the many times she has fled from anything and everything, often spending all her time alone at home with just animals for company. She was not meant for the monsters of the pony world. She was meant to hide like me. She was meant to hide with me forever. I would never make her cry. At least, I would try not to ever make her cry again.
Forgetting the original task I had set myself in regard to helping Fluttershy, I went and investigated all entrances to my home. I locked them all. I wondered that if I abandoned the image of chaos, perhaps Fluttershy would no longer fear me? If I could rein my impulses in, if I didn’t submit to the darkness of it again, would she stay?
But you are chaos.
I am chaos, but it's not my entire personality, is it? I could remember the time before I became the god of disharmony, though the memories were fleeting. Perhaps I could be a good husband for Fluttershy? Never before had I even dared to think those thoughts. But if I were all she had… She may eventually love me.
I then began to investigate every room in my home, making sure there was no way for her to get out. I had to do this now, while she was helpless. Afterwards I would help her. I would send her to sleep, so she could forget for a time what had taken place. I would ensure she rested in a sleep where no nightmares could reach her. She would never have a nightmare again. I had powers to ensure that.
Eventually, my task was done. I headed back to the bathroom, seeing the door was shut. My paw went to the doorknob. It was locked, too.
"Fluttershy?" I called softly, not wanting to frighten her. There was no reply. I knocked on the door. I didn't want to rush her, but I was growing impatient. Why wasn't she replying? Had she fallen asleep? I glanced back into her room, my eyes immediately seeing the pins that she used in her hair lying on her dresser table. I grabbed one, and immediately started working on the lock. It didn't take me very long for the lock to click open. The heavy door pushed open. My eyes calmly took in the scene before me. I would later understand that I was numb and in shock.
It was unfair for the both of us that the only time I would know the pleasure of Fluttershy's body was when she was unwilling and terrified.
Fluttershy was lying surrounded in her own blood. Shards of glass from the broken mirror were lying around her. How had I not heard her break the mirror? Even though it was just a small handheld one. Her wrists, which had been slashed many times, were now bruised. The rest of her body was deathly pale. There was no rise and fall of her chest, and as I put my paw to her thin throat, I wasn't surprised to find no pulse. She had killed herself.
"Oh Fluttershy," I sighed sadly. "Why couldn't you let me fix you?" I sat down and pulled her up onto my lap, cradling her head. The expression on her face was calm, yet a little bit sad. I brushed back some loose pink waves from her face. She was still warm. I noticed I still had my ripped shirt in my paw. I did the only thing I could think of at that moment, and began cleaning the drying blood off of her wrists. I bandaged her wrists up for her, and gently cleaned the blood that stained her thighs.
Her skin was now cooling. I rid her of the ugly torn dress that she had been wearing, not allowing my eyes to look at her nude body. I didn't deserve that. I dressed her in a white nightgown, and then carried her into her bedroom and tucked her into bed. She looked so peaceful.
"You look like you're merely sleeping, my dear." My voice cracked slightly at the words. How I wished she were. I tucked her bandaged arms under the quilt so nothing would give away the fact that this was a sleep she would never wake from. At least she wouldn't be having anymore nightmares. I kissed her forehead softly, and then retreated from her.
I sat down outside her door, sliding down it until my head was between my knees. Then I started to laugh, quietly at first and then louder and louder, I never noticed when they turned to sobs. Now I had my doll, but the cost had been far too high. I could hear the calls of chaos once again whispering louder than I had ever heard them. As I bleakly stared into space, seeing nothing, I realized that this was probably the only way that she would have ever stayed here in my home with me forever. I closed my eyes. Now that I had nothing left, I allowed the darkness of chaos to completely consume me.
Author's Note
Sorry guys, hope ya'll still like me.
