The Last Temptation of Hondo Flanks

Chapters

The Big Speech
The Big Picture
The Big Mistake
The Big Speech II (daughter's edition)
The Big Reunion
The Big Apologies
The Big Secret
The Big Joke

The Big Speech

Sweetie Belle descended the living room stairs with an economy sized amount of trepidation swimming around in her gut. She was now doing what her mother had asked of her earlier: to come downstairs and see her when she had finished her homework. She wasn’t told about the nature of their appointment but she suspected that it had something to do with her coltfriend Button Mash who would be arriving at her doorstep in a few more hours. It couldn’t have been a cancellation. Was there a menu change? Had her mother somehow managed to find a way to get her father to behave during the dinner? All of the speculation had broken her concentration and if her homework got decent grades tomorrow, it would be a modern day miracle.

Cookie Crumbles crossed her hind legs as she spotted Sweetie Belle at the top of the stairs and awaited her arrival in the living room. With any luck, the gift that she had for her youngest daughter would serve her at least as well as it served her oldest one. She smiled proudly from her seat on the couch as she watched Sweetie Belle approach her, happily recalling the day that she brought her tiny pink and lavender-maned bundle of joy home from the Ponyville Hospital nursery. As a baby, Sweetie Belle would cry when she wanted to go up those stairs, especially if her big sister had just gone up them. Now that she was older, her little girl could go up or down those stairs at any time. She believed that Sweetie Belle had no recollection of those days but when it came to their children, the good mothers remembered the small things along with the big.

“Is your homework all done?” asked Cookie.

“Yeah,” replied Sweetie Belle, “but I still have my chores to do. Should I do them before or after we talk?”

“Neither,” said Cookie. “I’ve done them for you already.” She patted the spot on the couch beside her. “Have a seat.” Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow.

“Do I still get this week’s full allowance if you’ve done today’s chores for me?” she asked.

“Yes, it’s only when you don’t do them or you ask me to do them for you that you get dinged for it. Now sit.” Sweetie Belle climbed onto the couch at its far end, sat up and turned to her left to face her mother.

“So what did you want to see me about?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Cookie frowned. She glared at Sweetie Belle, then at the huge gap of space that she had deliberately opted to put between them, then back at Sweetie Belle.

“What, you get a coltfriend and we’re strangers all of a sudden?” asked Cookie. “Hun, I carried you inside my body for nine months, for crying out loud. Can’t you sit next to me for ten minutes?”

Sweetie Belle groaned and rolled her eyes as she rose from the spot she chose and and sat back down beside her mother, flank to flank. She faced forward and remained motionless and silent. A shiver ran up her spine that felt like a warning and she cringed. She slowly turned her head and looked up at her mother and she was met with a creepy smile from her mother that made her skin crawl. Sweetie Belle’s ears lowered and she butt-hopped her way back across the couch cushion, reclaiming her previous spot on the far end.

“Mom, would you please stop looking at me like that?” asked Sweetie Belle, turning her head away from her mother. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Aw, Sweetie,” said Cookie sympathetically. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t mean to embarrass you. I guess I love you so much that I’m having trouble suppressing the happiness that I feel knowing that my little girl is growing up. I really am very happy for you... but I’m also a little sad for myself.”

“Sad?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Why?”

“Rarity left home... and it won’t be long before you’ll be leaving,” said Cookie. “It’s not easy being a mother... and I’m not even talking about all the cooking and cleaning; that’s the easiest part. The hardest part of all is when the children that you see and care for and love every day go off into the world to live their own lives... where you can’t see them... and they can take care of themselves... and they love somepony else... all without you. You’re just not needed in the same way anymore, not the way you spent years getting used to being needed. It’s like building a beautiful sailboat all by yourself – you connect all the framework, hoist the mast, patch the leaks, and you document its construction with photographs from start to finish – it’s a labor of love. And then... one day...”

Cookie’s voice cracked as a spasm of sorrow had nearly seized her but she held her breath, refusing to sob.

She trembled.

Her eyes began to water.

She hoped it would pass so that she could continue – but then her lip began to quiver.

It didn’t stop.

She didn’t want to break down during this analogy but it was happening anyway.

She sniffled once.

Then twice.

A tear fell from her eye and landed on her knee.

Sweetie Belle stood on the couch cushion and nuzzled her cheek against her mother’s foreleg to console her.

Cookie didn’t want to show her daughter any of the sadness she felt. Nor did she want there to be any guilt in her daughter’s heart over coming of age and loving a boy; It was a perfectly natural part of any healthy girl’s life. She wanted what any mother would want for their children – the best.

“And then one day...” she continued, letting her sobs take their course. “...some dashing sea captain comes along to claim your vessel and he takes her away from you, sailing off into the horizon with the fruit of your labor. Sailboats aren’t meant to be kept on dry land. I knew that when I started. It just that your captain came along sooner than I was expecting, that’s all. I know you’re not moving out and getting married tomorrow but it’s a reminder that the clock is ticking. I’m happy for you, really, I am. It’s... bittersweet, that’s all.” She sniffled and levitated a hoofkerchief to her eyes and dabbed them dry.

The embarrassment that Sweetie Belle felt was gone. Cookie cleared her throat and muscled her way over her grief.

“Would you look at me bawling like a baby over here?” she asked. “Uh! If your father were here, he’d tease me like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, Sweetie Belle, I didn’t bring you down here to feel sorry for an old shipsmith. What I really wanted was for the two of us to have a little mother-to-daughter chat about the facts of life.”

Sweetie Belle flinched.

Welcome back, embarrassment, she thought. She wants to have The Talk with me. Well, it could be worse. I could be getting The Talk from Dad. Br-r-r-r-r.

“Uh, sure, Mom,” she said, “What do you want to know?”

Cookie rolled her eyes.

“You inherited your sense of humor from your father,” lamented Cookie. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Not to burst your parental guidance bubble, Mom,” said Sweetie Belle, “but I do know a little more about the facts of life than I let on.”

“This isn’t what you think, sugar pea,” said Cookie. “This isn’t The Talk.”

“Oh, thank CELESTIA!” squeaked Sweetie Belle as she flopped backward on the couch.

"Contrary to popular belief, hanky-panky makes up such a small percentage of what constitutes a full life that it’s barely worth mentioning.”

"Hanky-panky? Isn’t he that stallion from Canterlot who watched Rarity’s fashion show a while ago?”

“It means sex.”

"Ew. Does Rarity know that? Having her fine dresses sold in his sleazy boutique might harm her brand.”

“No, she- Wait, what? No, look, hun, all I’m trying to say is that sex isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things, all right?” Cookie levitated a book from the bookshelf on the far side of the living room and set it down on the coffee table in front of them. “But when you’re ready to learn about the more technical aspect of the subject, I happen to have a copy of this full color pictorial that I made back in college featuring your father and me which I think you’ll find very educatio-”

Sweetie Belle cut her mother off with a sustained scream of terror and she hopped from the couch to try and make a break for it. Cookie used her magic to clamp down on the tip of Sweetie Belle’s tail, preventing her daughter from leaving the immediate area but not from continuing to run in the hopes that her mother’s magical grasp might eventually weaken, thus allowing her to escape a fate worse than death.

“NINETY-NINE BUCKETS OF OATS ON THE WALL, NINETY-NINE BUCKETS OF OOOOOATS!” sang a panicked Sweetie Belle as loudly as she could. Given that her lungs her busy drawing in oxygen to help her run, it was not the easiest of balancing acts. “IF ONE OF THOSE BUCKETS SHOULD FALL IN THE RAIN, WE’RE GONNA HAVE OATMEAL FOR BREAKFAST A-GAIN! NINETY-EIGHT BUCK-”

“I’M ONLY KIDDIIIING!” shouted Cookie. Sweetie Belle ceased her song and stopped running. She turned around and looked at the book that her mother had placed on the coffee table. It was titled Gardening Tips For Beginners by Golden Harvest. Sweetie Belle returned to the spot on the couch beside her mother and pouted disapprovingly, taking exception to being subjected to two mess-with-your-head jokes in as many days. “Geez Louise! That’s your first life lesson right there, Sweetie Belle: learn how to tell when somepony’s just pulling your chain! You’re just like your big sis; you both wail like a couple of flaming banshees at the tiniest thing. As I was saying, I’m talking about giving you real world advice that’ll serve you well into your golden years. I want you to reap the benefits of the wisdom that I’ve gained over a lifetime of experience. It’s the kind of advice that I wish your grandma would’ve given me when I was your age if she hadn’t been...”

Cookie took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and sighed. Her own troubles with her mother had left her with a sour taste in her mouth, even now that she was gone. But that was a long time ago and the grudge she held should have died with her mother’s passing. Cookie opened her eyes and looked at Sweetie Belle.

“You know what?” said Cookie. “There’s no need for me to go there. This isn’t about me or her. This is about you, Sweetie Belle. You’ll always be my baby girl but if you’re leaving foalhood behind, then, as your mother, I have a responsibility to share what I’ve learned about life so that you’ll be better prepared for what the world is gonna throw your way.”

“Mkay.”

Cookie blinked.

“My, such enthusiasm,” she muttered. "But maybe that'll change once you hear what I have to say... Uh, or read, in this case."

Cookie opened the gardening book with her magic and flipped through the pages until she found a sheet of folded up notebook paper that was starting to yellow with age. Sweetie Belle watched her mother levitate and unfold the paper. It turned out to be two such sheets, double sided and with writing on both sides.

“I wrote this speech for your sister when she was around your age,” noted Cookie. “But it applies to anypony’s daughter. Rarity turned out great – even if she hasn’t given me any grandkids yet.”

“You write?”

“Yeah, I write. I walk and talk, too. Pretty neat, huh?” Sweetie Belle reared her head back and squeaked with laughter. “I’ve even figured out how to go to sleep. And get this: sometimes when I’m hungry, I can actually eat food.”

Sweetie Belle rolled on her back and held her aching sides as she laughed some more. In her opinion, her mother was much funnier than her father.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she snickered, rubbing her eyes free of tears and breathing normally again.

“Well, it sure sounded like you meant it like that. Yes, I write – but not creatively. I can’t write a story. I only write what I know, you know? Now then...”

Cookie cleared her throat and held the piece of paper up to her face.

“This was written in free form, by the way,” she pointed out. “It’s gonna be all over the place with observations and a lot of them are gonna sound alike so just bear with me, okay?”

“Mkay,” muttered Sweetie Belle.

“You are precious,” she began. “Your father and I will love you and take care of you for as long as we can but love doesn’t mean never having to ask for rent for your room. You were not born to wealthy parents so expect to strike out on your own one day and labor for your daily bread. Take pride in your work. A good work ethic will take you farther in life than the largest inheritance – but keep in mind that I wasn’t born into wealth either so I don’t really have a frame of reference to back up this claim. It sounds good, though, doesn’t it? Personally, I’d rather have the inheritance and not have to work at all but that’s not really advice. I digress. Spend your earnings wisely. Money is a necessary evil but as evils go, it’s a pretty gosh darned useful one to have around. Be frugal but don’t be stingy. Should good fortune happen to smile on you, take it as an opportunity to be charitable. You are somepony worth getting to know so give others a fair chance to get to know you. Along the way, you will get to know them. Only then will you see their true value. Never put stock in the superficial. We will all get old and saggy someday on the outside. If you love what’s on the inside, no amount of wrinkles can touch it. You are somepony worthy of being loved but be warned: a lot of stallions see the world through bed-colored glasses and will say whatever they think you want to hear to get you to surrender your virtue. Don’t fall for sweet talk. Never do anything before you’re ready. True love is patient. Give your love only to those who’ve earned it and accept love only from those who have touched your heart. Believe in yourself. Stand up for yourself. Respect yourself. Others may or may not respect you. Acknowledge the ones that do respect you and ignore the ones that don’t. Every second you waste on a dirtbag is a second that you could have used on finding somepony more deserving of you. Never let anypony else’s opinion of you define who you are. Never beat yourself up. There’s no shortage of ponies in this world who are ready and willing to take you down a peg. Everypony deserves to be treated with love, respect and kindness – unless they try something fresh with you, in which case you have my blessing to beat the living chocolate choo-choo train out of them. Never sell yourself short. Knowing when to follow your heart and when to use your head is one of the trickiest things to master since either can lead you astray. All I can say with any certainty is that always listening to one and never listening to the other will make for a monotonous existence. Friends come and go. Lovers come and go. Allow those who come into your life to be a part of it and allow those who wander off to leave it. The ones who care for you are the ones who’ll stay with you. Never hang on to anypony who wants to leave you. There’s no point in trying to get somepony to stay with you if you can’t make them happy. Enjoy the weather. Not just warm weather, either. Enjoy all kinds of weather. Some good ponies have died on sunny days and some babies were born on rainy days. The weather is only a backdrop so if you love it all, it won’t affect your mood when it changes. It’s okay to cry. Your emotions are part of who you are and the ponies who love and care about you won’t begrudge you your tears – and if you have really good friends, they’ll even cry with you. You do not have to respect a pony’s opinion but you do have to respect a pony’s right to an opinion. Some ponies will be indifferent toward you. Some will be wonderful to you. And some you’ll wish you’d never met. I wish to Celestia that they came with labels telling you which are which but they don’t... which is why you need to develop good judgment early on. Never let anypony rob you of your optimism. Life is in your options. The more positive and upbeat you are, the more options you’ll have. Life is a never-ending series of changes. Adapt to them. Observe. Learn. Do. Grow. Be a student of the game and always play by the rules, even if others get ahead by breaking them. Engage life. It’s not going to do it for you. There will be ponies who will never be your friend but that does not make them your enemies. There is only one enemy you will have in life and its name is Fear. Kick the enemy’s plot each and every time it rears its ugly head or it will most assuredly kick yours. Respect your body. It’s the only one you have and if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. Always be thankful that you are healthy. Life is not a cakewalk. You’ll have to make some hard decisions and you will make some mistakes along the way. That’s all right. It’s expected. Learn from your mistakes. If you don’t, you’re going to tick off a lot of ponies. Forgive others if they ask for it sincerely. Give second chances. Give third chances at your own risk. Never give a fourth chance. Life is not fair. The average mare has more going against her than for her. You will fall down. You might even be pushed down. It will hurt. Badly. You must do your best to get back up and move on. Life is what you make of it. You are born, you live, you die. The rest is a blank slate so be creative with it and have fun. You have one heart. It is highly unlikely that the first stallion who steals it won’t break it so love cautiously. When it breaks, it will hurt. Badly. But you glue the pieces back together, you save it for the next deserving stallion, you repeat steps one through three and you never give up hope. Curse the checkers but never flip the checkerboard. I’ll never tell you that ‘there’s somepony out there for everypony’ because that’s not true. The only guarantee in life is that there are no guarantees, with the possible exception that fear will kick your plot. But if you’re lucky and you survive all the pitfalls, get better at clearing the hurdles and don’t give in to fear, you might find or be found by ‘the one’ and if you do find him, by Celestia, be as good to him as he is to you – better, if possible. He’s your reward for putting up with all the manure the world has put in your path. You’ll know ‘the one’ when he comes along. He will do anything to make you laugh, up to and including borrowing and wearing one of his mother’s dresses. He will buy you a bouquet of flowers even though it means he’ll have to graze ponies’ lawns for nutrition for the rest of the week until his next paycheck. He will come to your house and perform moonlit serenades at your bedroom window with a kazoo until the neighbors chase him off. He will take you out dancing because you love it, even if he hates dancing. He will do all of these things and more until your heart says ‘hey, throw away the glue, you won’t need it anymore’. When you’re single, go out with as many stallions as you like because when ‘the one’ comes along and asks for your hoof in marriage, it’s for life – so you had gosh darned better sow your wild oats before then. Say yes to ‘the one’ and say goodbye to all the other stallions. It’s a wonderful time in a mare’s life when she’s young and carefree, when a new lover might be just around the corner... but marrying and starting a family with the stallion who loves and cherishes you above all others... there isn’t a better feeling in the world than that... and any committed couple that has ever married for love will tell you the same thing. The family unit is sacred. It is love incarnate, love written in stone, love squared, love – and life – fully realized.”

Cookie Crumbles put her master work back in the gardening book and closed it.

“Ta-daaa!” she said, levitating the book and returning it to its place on the bookshelf.

Sweetie Belle stared silently in awe of her mother. Her jaw hung open out of shock and now that the speech had come to a conclusion, a smile formed slowly across her face. Never before had it been so beautifully illustrated for Sweetie Belle benefit just how complex and faceted her life would become once she was old enough to venture out into the world on her own. She quickly turned her head to look at the clock on the wall. Her world view had been dramatically changed in under ten minutes! She was imbued with a sense of empowerment and she was quite giddy. She wanted to tackle it all, the good along with the bad. She wanted to run to her best friends Scootaloo and Apple Bloom and tell them what a wise and wonderful mare her mother was but she quickly put the idea out of her head, however, recalling that she was the only Cutie Mark Crusaders who had a mother and she didn’t want to risk appearing insensitive.

“You wrote all that?” she asked, hopping up and down on the couch. “Wow! THAT WAS AMAZ-”

“DON’T JUMP ON THE COUCH!” ordered Cookie. “Sweet cinnamon sticks in a sombrero, Sweetie Belle! Do you want to break every stick of furniture we have in this house? Honestly.”

“Sorry.” Sweetie Belle stepped off the couch and resumed her hopping, unable to contain herself. “But that speech was amazing! I never knew you were so... so...”

“Worldly?” asked Cookie. “Yeah, huh? Bet you never thought that your dear old mom lived any kind of interesting life before she met your father. I’m more than just your go-to source for fixing scraped knees and filling empty tummies, you know. But my life’s still plenty interesting. My oldest daughter helped save Equestria from certain doom more than once... my youngest daughter’s coming of age and bringing a boy home for dinner... and hey, let’s not forget all those coupons I clip.”

“Oh, heaven forbid we forget that pulse-pounding activity.”

“So, you see, pumpkin, because I threw my hat in the ring and gave life a few rounds to beat me up a little, I came out of it a winner... and now I have your father, your sister and you to love me. Life is the challenge, love is the goal and family is the reward. If you learned something from my speech, then give your old lady a great big hug.” Sweetie Belle gladly did as she was instructed. She loved her mother’s speech. Having it read to her made her feel so grown up, so respected. And yet, it also made her feel a little sad knowing that she was leaving childhood behind. “So... do you think Button’s ‘the one’ for you? It’s okay if you don’t think he is. A first coltfriend seldom is. You can have fun together just so long as you respect one other and neither of you hurts the other’s feelings. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, then just consider the relationship a practice run for when you meet the next colt.”

Sweetie Belle blinked.

“You’re asking me if I think Button’s ‘the one’?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Uh, yeah... So, is he?”

Sweetie Belle’s mind drifted to a monumental event that took place just a few days ago which answered that question perfectly.

The Big Picture

Sweetie Belle and Button Mash were sitting side by side – and cheek to cheek – behind a large oak tree not more than a dozen yards from the Ponyville schoolhouse. They were holding hooves and nuzzling their faces together lovingly with their eyes closed. They were on their lunch break and this was their favorite way to spend it after wolfing down their food. They tried nuzzling faces before and even during their meals but it either wound up leaving them hungry if they lost track of time or resulted in some less than romantic imagery. A closeup view of the face of even the most attractive pony could be made daunting by the inclusion of a mouthful of marinara sauce-laden wheatball hero.

“Button?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah?” said Button.

“This sure is nice, huh?”

“Yeah. I could stay with you like this forever.”

Sweetie Belle opened her eyes. Without realizing it, Button had inadvertently summed up the problem in their relationship, one to which he was oblivious. They had been dating for three weeks and their physical contact had come to a standstill. Not only that but Sweetie Belle was always the one to initiate the contact. She understood that Button had recently overcome his fear of touching girls (she had showed him a book from the library with a chapter that proved that cooties was not a genuine illness) but his lack of interest in showing some romantic initiative was getting a bit frustrating and she was beginning to wonder if he even knew that real couples kissed. Did he not want more? Would she always have to call the shots in their relationship? Was she not attractive enough for him? But the most troubling question of all was this: what if she asked him for a kiss – and he declined?

“Button?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I...?”

Sweetie Belle paused, at odds with herself over the issue at hoof. Would it be so bad to shed some light on her true desire so that he could get the hint and follow through?

“Can you what?” asked Button.

Sweetie Belle paused again.

No, she thought. Not this time. If I initiate this, I’ll be compromising my standards again. I don’t just want to kiss him. I could steal a kiss from him if I really wanted one but that’s not what I want. I want to be kissed. I want to be given that super special knock-my-horseshoes-off magical kiss that I’ve heard about in fairy tales and seen at the movies. It’s got to exist. It’s just got to! And if anypony can deliver the goods, it’s Button. I know he’s got it in him but I can’t ask for it. That isn’t how it works. He’s got to want to kiss me with love and the problem is... that he doesn’t.

“Oh, nothing,” she said. “It’s not important.”

“Oh. All right, if you say s-.”

“Okay, so I really like holding hooves with you and nuzzling our cheeks togther and that’s because I really care about you and enjoy being with you... but I think that we’re ready to move up to the next level, don’t you? Something a little more romantic than nuzzling faces?”

“You mean... you’d really want to do ‘that’ with me?” Button smiled at Sweetie Belle’s proposition.

He’s smiling! thought Sweetie Belle. That’s a good sign.

“Well, sure. We are dating. Couples do it all the time.”

“I like you a lot, too… and I’ve thought about it, too... so... if it’s all right with you then I’d be happy to do that with you.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely all right with me.”

Button rose from the ground and Sweetie Belle did the same, her heart beating faster as they came face to face. He stretched his limbs in an exaggerated way for comical effect, as if he was preparing himself for a rigorous task. Sweetie Belle giggled. Button smiled and Sweetie Belle’s heart melted as it always did whenever she saw that smile.

“Ready?” he asked, trembling slightly.

“Ready, willing and able,” said Sweetie Belle.

She closed her eyes and waited for her kiss. Hopefully, what it lacked in spontaneity would be made up for with raw passion. A few seconds passed but the warm, soft lips she was waiting to taste were late for their debut and she wondered what was causing the delay. The answer came to her in the form of pressure applied against the back of her neck and head. She opened her eyes and saw that Button – was neck nuzzling with her.

Button sighed contentedly.

“Wow, this is so cool,” he said. “You’re the best, Sweetie Belle.”

Is he for real? wondered Sweetie Belle as she grimaced.

She wanted to be upset. She couldn’t. Not at him. If anything, this was even further proof that Button was the chivalrous knight of her dreams. The neck nuzzle wasn’t the kiss that Sweetie Belle had her heart set on but, looking on the bright side, it was a new kind of contact, it was a step forward, and it was not entirely without its romantic appeal.

“Comfy?” he asked.

“Mm-hm,” she replied. “You?”

“Totally.”

Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and giggled as Button tickled her with his wild mane while he experimented with different techniques on nuzzling his neck against hers. They swapped positions; Button snuggled the back of his neck against Sweetie Belle’s throat. Sweetie Belle saw Button’s beanie propeller up close and she blew on it whimsically. His body heat felt very soothing to her and she was so at ease around him that she was starting to feel sleepy. As silly as it sounded, she had an urge to ask him if she could use him as a pillow while she took a nap, a lateral move at best.

Ultimately, Sweetie Belle knew that Button was worth waiting for and that rushing things might scare him off to physical contact with her altogether. The worst case scenario was that he would break up with her out of fear and she wanted to avoid that possibility at all costs, what with prom night less than half a year away. Going stag to the prom was okay for colts but when a filly showed up without a date, it was because she had to be a loser. Granted, having a date for the prom was a selfish reason for wanting a coltfriend but it was only one of many reasons, the rest of which were valid. She had very strong and genuine feelings for Button and the kiss he withheld from her had become an obsession. She was already waiting for her cutie mark to appear so being denied instant gratification in an area where there were exactly zero perceivable obstacles seemed unnecessary and irritating.

“Well, well, well...” said a voice from behind their tree, a voice that made the whirr of a dentist’s drill seem pleasant, a voice which Sweetie Belle was able to identify more easily than she would have liked.

It belonged to Diamond Tiara.

Talk about unnecessary and irritating, thought Sweetie Belle. All I want is to spend some quality time with my coltfriend so he can feel comfortable enough to kiss me and this hamster-brained earwig has nothing else better to do than be the fly in my ointment again. Well, not this time! This time I’m telling her off and I’m pulling out all the stops! Scoots? AB? Sorry you had to miss this.

“You’d better have a seat,” said Sweetie Belle to Button Mash. “This might take a while.” Button nodded and complied.

“What have we here?” asked Diamond Tiara rhetorically as she approached Sweetie Belle and Button Mash. “Two blank-”

“I know what you’re gonna say so let me save you some time,” blurted Sweetie Belle, taking a few confident steps toward Diamond Tiara. “I’m a blank flank, Button here’s a blank flank, you’ve got your cutie mark, you don’t like us, blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-oh-my-celestia-you-sound-like-a-broken-record! I got it the first hundred times! And guess what? I’m still happy. Hold on a second... I’m a happy blank flank... and if you were trying to make me unhappy with your teasing then...” Sweetie Belle gasped sarcastically, holding a hoof to her chin. “...that must mean that you fail! Awwww, poor little rich girl! So bored with life. Aren’t you swimming in money? You know what I would do if I was rich? I’d travel to Bitaly or Prance and do, like, a trillion other things – fun things – ANYTHING that didn’t involve obsessing over the flanks of a trio of fillies! Can you say ‘living in denial’?”

“Oh, don’t you E-ven go there,” snarled Diamond Tiara.

“And what is it that you do with all of that financial freedom at your hooftips? Hm? You come right back to me and my friends... with that same tired blank flank angle! Why is that? Know what I think? I think you’ve become stagnant.”

Sweetie Belle decided to borrow a trick out of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s bag and began walking in circles around her as she spoke. It was less effective with one pony as opposed to two but it would have felt less organic if she had asked Button to join in.

“I don’t blame you,” continued Sweetie Belle. “I believe the real culprit is this podunk one-horse town. It has a way of stifling creativity. Your ‘blank flank’ routine was good for its time and I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but, seriously, it ran its course ages ago. You’ve used it so much that I’ve built up an immunity to it. It’s old hat. Yesterday’s newspaper. Staler than a week old doughnut. You’re spinning your wheels. You’re stuck in a... oh, how does that expression go again? Oh, never mind. What you need is a fresh perspective. A shot in the foreleg so that you can reinvent yourself. Here’s an idea. Why don’t you go ask your dad to hire a writer to come up with some new insults for you? Maybe if you had some fresh original material, you might be able to get back in the swing of things. And if that idea doesn’t grab you, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and I came up with another one. We’ve been kicking it around for a while and, I’ve got a say, I’m quite a fan. We figured you’d eventually come to the conclusion on your own that it was a logical move for you so we never felt the need to bring it to your attention. But now that I see how pathetic you are – resting on your laurels... living off of your former glory... desperately trying to stay on the cutting edge of bullying and failing miserably... well, it would be cruel of me to let you suffer like that. Would you like to hear our idea?” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat as she stopped circling Diamond Tiara and sat beside Button. “Here it is: Why don’t you... GO... TO... TARTARUS?”

As always, Button was impressed with Sweetie Belle’s gift for gab, a skill for which he had little use. He didn’t talk much about things unrelated to fun because he lacked the attention span to pay attention to boring stuff. Sweetie Belle seemed to be having fun but he questioned the wisdom in provoking Diamond Tiara, a filly known for her cruelty – especially toward blank flanks.

Diamond Tiara listened to every word Sweetie Belle said. Apart from shifting her jaw here and there, she remained stonefaced throughout the monologue.

“Are you finished?” she asked.

“Yep. Oh, no, one last thing. If you do end up going to Tartarus, you might want to take Silver Spoon with you. I hear they don’t have bathroom tissue there so her lips should be quite useful to you during your stay. M‘kay, now I’m done.”

Diamond Tiara smirked and shook her head.

“Wow. Just... wow. Tell me something: who is it... that you think you see standing in front of you that you believe that you can talk to so boldly and walk away unscathed?”

“Somepony who isn’t nuzzling with her coltfriend, by the looks of it. Come to think of it, where is your coltfriend, anyway? I haven’t seen him around.”

Diamond Tiara flinched ever so slightly at Sweetie Belle’s well struck slingstone. The truth was that she didn’t have a coltfriend. She didn’t fancy any colts in Ponyville – but stating it that way could be misconstrued and, according to her scorecard, she was already way behind in points. Why give Sweetie Belle ammunition?

“I’ll bet Button would like to meet him,” posed Sweetie Belle. “Oh, hey, Diamond Tiara? Could you raise your right forehoof for me?”

“What?”

“Show me your hoof.”

“Why the hay would you want to see my hoof?”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Then prove it. Show me your hoof. Oh, come on, what harm could it do?”

Confused, Diamond Tiara lifted and examined her right forehoof carefully. Had she stepped in something?

“Closer,” said Sweetie Belle. “Stick your foreleg out toward me... like this.” Sweetie Belle demonstrated how she wanted to see her hoof by sticking her own foreleg out.

“There,” said Diamond Tiara, extending her right forehoof toward Sweetie Belle but keeping it just outside of hitting range in case it was some kind of blank flank trickery. “Now tell me why it was so impor-”

“Hold that thought... and that pose,” said Sweetie Belle. She turned her head to face Button, pointed at Diamond Tiara’s extended hoof and smiled. “Button, say hello to Diamond Tiara’s coltfriend.”

“Uh... hello?” mumbled Button, confused by the request since he saw nopony.

Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed as she grasped what Sweetie Belle was implying. Her jaw dropped and her face turned a deep shade of red. Her furrowed brow tightened and lowered over the top of her eyes as she scowled and shrieked, outraged by Sweetie Belle’s deception. Sneering and snorting angrily at Sweetie Belle, Diamond Tiara retracted her hoof and set it back on the ground with a stomp.

Sweetie Belle giggled at how agitated Diamond Tiara had become.

“Is he invisible?” asked Button as he scratched his head. “Is he a ghost or something? I don’t get it.”

“How dare you trick me, you blank flank!” screamed Diamond Tiara. “I’ll have you know that I’m single by choice! I can nuzzle any colt I want, whenever I want – even him!”

“Yeah, right!” shot back Button. “I wouldn’t nuzzle with you if you were the last filly in Equestria! Everypony in class knows you’re mean and, because of that, no colt will ever like you!”

Diamond Tiara turned her attention to Button. She regained her composure and took a few steps closer to him. She stopped a few feet in front from him and gave him her best sweet face.

“Why, Button,” she cooed, “Are you saying that you don’t like me?”

“That’s right. I don’t.”

“Not even a little?” Diamond Tiara pouted.

“No. I don’t just not like you; I dislike you.”

“Good. That’ll make my victory even sweeter.”

Sweetie Belle gulped. She didn’t like the confidence brimming in Diamond Tiara’s voice. What ace in the hole did she have?

“You like video games, don’t you, Button?” asked Diamond Tiara sweetly.

“Yeah, so what? Lots of colts do!”

“Um, Button,” said Sweetie Belle as she slowly got to her hooves. “Maybe we’d better get back to the schoolhouse.”

“There’s no need to be so defensive,” said Diamond Tiara. “Tell me, what’s your favorite video game franchise?”

“Button,” said Sweetie Belle, “Let’s go. Now. I don’t like the way she-”

“Of like all time?” asked Button. “Easy! It’s Gears of Warhorse!”

“Gears of Warhorse, huh?” noted Diamond Tiara. “Mm, that’s easy enough of a name to remember.” She turned her attention toward Sweetie Belle. “Now then, to teach you a lesson.” An expression of anger poured across Diamond Tiara’s facial features like pus oozing from an infected wound. She would address Button next but she kept her ice blue stare fixed on Sweetie Belle so that she didn’t miss her reaction. “Button, you are going to come over here right now and let me neck nuzzle with you in front of your fillyfriend!”

“HEY!” shouted Sweetie Belle.

“Tut-tut, Sweetie Belle, it’s Button’s decision to make.”

“You’re upsetting Sweetie Belle,” said Button. “I think you should leave.”

Diamond Tiara turned her attention to Button.

“Not before I have your answer – but before you make your decision too hastily, you should be made aware of the consequences of your actions. Let me nuzzle you and I’ll walk away and leave you two alone. Refuse ...and I’ll have my daddy buy the company that publishes the Gears of Warhorse games and convince him to turn it into a factory that makes orthopedic horseshoes!”

Sweetie Belle gasped.

Button gasped and then screamed.

Diamond Tiara turned to face Sweetie Belle and gave her the most angelic smile she could produce.

“Is that original enough material for you, Sweetie Belle?” she asked.

Why, oh, why did you have to answer her, Button? wondered Sweetie Belle.

Button sputtered and stammered at the ultimatum before him. He knew enough about Diamond Tiara to know that she didn’t make idle threats. Out of the many sounds that left his mouth, no combination of then made up a single word. He was a novice at being in a relationship but even he knew that the choice was obvious. Unfortunately, being aware of the right choice to make didn’t make its actual execution any easier. No more new Gears of Warhorse releases to look forward to? The time between releases was excruciating enough as it was. Not only was his beloved franchise about to disappear – his refusal to do as Diamond Tiara commanded would be the catalyst for its demise. He wasn’t a terribly proud colt. If it meant saving his beloved Gears of Warhorse, he could bring himself to eat crow and neck nuzzle with her... but not at the cost of losing Sweetie Belle’s respect. Button was at an impasse unlike any he had ever face before and, for the first time in his life, he whimpered a prayer to Princess Luna, a princess who was accustomed to helping children with their nightmares. He asked for a miracle.

Sweetie Belle looked at her coltfriend’s face and saw the torment behind the tears in them. The sight of Button crying was hardly an uncommon one; Celestia knew he had cried over much less than this. She closed her eyes and concentrated... and a tear fell from her face as she made a decision that would spare Button from having to make one.

“I’m wait-iiiiing,” said Diamond Tiara as she lowered her head and closed her eyes, fully expecting Button to give in to her demands and nuzzle with her. “And Sweetie Belle, you’d better watch me nuzzle him or it won’t count.”

Button filled his lungs with the air he was going to put to use defying Diamond Tiara and put down his favorite franchise. Inexplicably, he felt his hooves leave the ground. He looked down and confirmed that he was being levitated a few inches in the air. He was being moved toward Diamond Tiara – by Sweetie Belle. Once he was above the pink filly, he was set back down and his throat rested against the back of her neck as he was lowered to the ground. Diamond Tiara gently turned her head left and right, reveling in the nuzzle she extorted from her classmate as blatantly as possible. Button winced at the contact. It made him feel dirty and he definitely didn’t want to admit to himself that her mane smelled pretty nice; girl nice. Like Sweetie Belle, only different. He trembled but stood his ground, hoping that this would be over soon.

“Mmmmmhmhmhmhm,” cooed Diamond Tiara as she looked at Sweetie Belle. “Oooooooh, your coltfriend’s neck is so warm, Sweetie Belle. I can see why you enjoy nuzzling with him.”

Sweetie Belle turned her back on the painful display. She sat down, hung her head and sulked. She was pretending to be disappointed in Button’s “disloyalty” but the reality was that she was afraid to learn what his choice would have been, not to mention that seeing him nuzzle the neck of another filly really was upsetting for her. Did Button even comprehend the pain that she felt right now?

Diamond Tiara smiled, having harvested the reaction that she had been waiting for. To her, Sweetie Belle’s tears were sweeter than ice cream. She took a few steps backward and moved out from under Button’s neck. Before she had set her neck upright again, Button had already turned around. He was sulking, just like his fillyfriend was.

“Okay, that’s enough,” said Diamond Tiara. “I ought to have my head examined for doing that. What was I thinking? I can feel your blank flank germs crawling all over me. Eugh!” She shook her mane out and approached Sweetie Belle who was lying prostrate on the ground. “I believe that I’ve sufficiently proven my superiority over you today, wouldn’t you agree, Sweetie Belle? There’s nothing you have that I can’t take away from you whenever I feel like it. Let that thought keep you awake at night. No, really, I insist. You should have known better than to step up to me all high and mighty just because you have a coltfriend and I don’t. But then, how good of a catch could he possibly be if he’s more loyal to his video games than he is to you? Looks to me as though there’s trouble in blank flank paradise. Oh, and the next time you get the urge to match wits with me, just remember this. The deck will always be stacked against you because you are precisely who you are. Sweet. Gentle. Merciful. You can’t hang with me because your heart’s not in it so don’t even try. And you having a coltfriend only gives me a bigger target to hit. See you back at the schoolhouse, blank flanks. It’s been fun – for me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” With that, Diamond Tiara walked away with her head held high, humming a carefree tune.

Button blinked as he took in the scrumptious silence that was a total absence of Diamond Tiara. The crisis was over. He looked at Sweetie Belle. She was still lying on the ground. He wondered why she would permit him to nuzzle Diamond Tiara when he was willing to refuse. She sacrificed her dignity – her dignity! – so that he wouldn’t lose something that he loved.

But why would she do such a thing for him?

Was it because she loved him?

That had to be the answer.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Button, approaching her sheepishly. “Thank you. What you did for me was the second most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.” His voice had the affect commonly associated with a pony holding something in their teeth.

Sweetie Belle grinned as she rubbed the tears from her eyes. She stood up and brushed the loose blades of grassy debris from her coat.

“What was the first?” asked Sweetie Belle as she turned around, expecting to hear about some video game achievement.

She gasped, incredulous that she was really seeing the item that Button held in his mouth.

It was Diamond Tiara’s namesake.

Its removal from her head had apparently escaped her notice. She’d be back for it once she learned that it was missing and that she’d figure out that Button was the one who had “liberated” it but for now, the tiara was in their possession. They shared a wicked grin, knowing that she’d suffer every second she was without it. Sweetie Belle knew that they’d have to return it to its rightful owner eventually so damaging it wasn’t an option and even if they could make it to a pawn shop before class was back in session, there was no way that anypony who worked there would buy such a valuable item from a foal. What could they do with it in the meantime? Sweetie Belle hadn’t a clue.

Button knew exactly what to do with it.

Standing on his hind legs, he carefully placed the tiara atop Sweetie Belle’s head. It fit perfectly. Sweetie Belle wanted to see herself with it on and was about to suggest that they head over to the stream so that she could see her reflection in the water but then, without warning, Button leaned in and gently...

...passionately...

...and genuinely...

...kissed his impromptu princess on the lips for the very first time.

A tingly warmth traveled throughout Sweetie Belle’s body that felt as though she was being cooked by lightning bolts. Was the tiara a lightning rod? She closed her eyes as she felt that fantastic energy spread all the way down to her hooftips. A single tear of joy ran down her cheek as Button disengaged the kiss that took her breath away, the kiss she would remember for the rest of her life. The magic kiss.

“That,” answered Button softly.

Sweetie Belle could almost hear her heart explode upon hearing Button’s delayed reply. Her legs threatened to buckle underneath her as the tidal wave of emotions that crashed over her soul caused her to swoon. Tears streamed down her face and her lips quivered so much that if Button hadn’t put an end to the kiss, her involuntary lip movement would have. The fictional accounts of kisses like these did not do it justice. Sweetie Belle was now in the enviable position of being one of the select few who had received a genuine magic kiss. She would tell her tale often to all who wished to hear it and maybe even to a few who didn’t want to hear it.

That is, assuming that this kiss actually happened.

Her eyes were still closed, after all.

Fear and paranoia soon joined the bevy of emotions she was feeling, fear that this was all a beautiful dream and that, when she opened her eyes, she’d wake up from a nap she had taken in front of the tree and Button would be gone. The more she thought about it, the more everything seemed to come together a little too conveniently.

She had to know.

Slowly, she opened her eyes.

“When me and Diamond Tiara were nuzzling, I was so scared that she was going to try to kiss me,” said Button with a noticeable quiver in his voice, “and then it hit me that I hadn’t even kissed you yet and what a bummer that would have been for both of us if she had stolen my very first kiss; the one that was meant for you. When I didn’t know what else to do, I prayed to Princess Luna for a miracle. But what I was too blind to see was that I was already given one. You’re that miracle, Sweetie Belle. You did what you did because you loved me.” Button sniffled as tears began to well up in his eyes. “So I did what I just did because... I love you, too.”

The pony who Sweetie Belle knew as Button Mash – her coltfriend – had indeed vanished.

And in his place was Button Mash – the colt that she was destined to marry someday.

And she was very pleased to make his acquaintance.

“I don’t think that he’s ‘the one’, Mom,” whimpered a glossy-eyed Sweetie Belle with a lump in her throat, a quiver in her voice and nostrils that ran like a pair of leaky faucets. “I know... that he’s ‘the one’.”

The Big Mistake

“You’re wearing a full suit jacket and dress shirt to dinner... in your own home?” asked Cookie Crumbles from the bathroom as she checked her beehive do in the mirror.

“Brilliant, isn’t it?” asked Hondo Flanks as he admired himself in his full length wardrobe mirror, pleased to learn that one of the most flattering articles of clothing in his wardrobe still fit him. “How you cope with being married to such a genius is beyond me.” Hondo and Cookie were in their bedroom doing some last minute primping in order to look their best for their guest. Dinner was moments away from being ready to serve and there wasn't much left to do other than wait for Button's arrival.

“D’ya mind telling your wife of average intelligence how wearing that outfit to dinner makes you a genius?” asked Cookie.

“Because it makes me look businesslike.” Hondo telekinetically tightened his necktie and straightened his collar. “It’ll intimidate the snot out of the little guy; just you wait and see. Plus it doesn’t hurt to remind you how suave your husband can look when he cleans up. I've gotta say it really is amazing how I’ve still kept my svelte figure after having two kids.”

“Pfft!” scoffed Cookie with a smirk and a chuckle. “Like you were the one who had ‘em.”

Cookie walked over to Hondo and stood behind him, looking into the mirror along with her husband.

“Nothing like looking into a mirror to make a pony reflect on one’s life,” she said. “What a ride it’s been, eh, honey? Our little girl – bringing home a colt. Before we know it, we’ll be writing that check for the wedding caterer.”

“Well, that money we put aside for Rarity's wedding's been sitting there collecting dust,” noted Hondo. “Since she’s making such a great living in the fashion world and can spring for her own nuptuals, we-"

"'Nuptials', babe," said Cookie. "Not nup-choo-uls."

"Since she can spring for her own wed-ding, we should blow that whole nest egg on Sweetie Belle’s wed-ding.”

“I remember ours like it was yesterday. And you look just as handsome as you did back then.” Cookie placed her foreleg around the back of Hondo's neck and kissed him on the cheek.

"Ooh," said Hondo with a grin. "Got some more where that came from, honey bunch?"

"Always," said Cookie with a smile. Hondo and Cookie leaned in to kiss each other.

The doorbell rang.

“He’s herrrrrrrrrrrrrre!” shouted Sweetie Belle from downstairs.

The couple winced and then settled for a quick peck on the lips instead of the more involved kiss they were about to have.

"You go on ahead," said Hondo. "I'll be down in a sec." Cookie nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Hondo returned to his mirror.

“So..." he said to an imaginary Button Mash as he narrowed his eyes menacingly, "You’re the young colt who’s dating my daughter, eh?” Hondo cleared his throat, lightened his expression with a happy smile and spoke in an upbeat tone. “So! You’re the young colt who’s dating my daughter, eh?”

He practiced the line differently to himself to get the right balance between welcoming and imposing; scary enough to make Button uncomfortable but not so much that he risked sending the little guy running out the door.

There was that allowance deal he made with Sweetie Belle to consider, after all.

Sweetie Belle was clad in a lovely black dress that Rarity had made for her for special occasions. It was simple yet elegant - just what the doctor ordered for a semi-casual dinner with her coltfriend and her parents. Taking in a deep breath and expelling it quickly, she opened the front door to begin what would hopefully be a night that she'd remember forever.

She immediately noticed that Button wasn't wearing his beanie - which was just as Sweetie Belle had hoped. He was wearing a bowtie and shirt collar which, in Sweetie Belle's opinion, suited him perfectly. She also noticed that his normally wild mane was neatly combed -- also an improvement. Sweetie Belle surmised that Button's mother had a hoof in his appearance this evening and she made a promise to herself that when the time came to have dinner over at Button's house she'd express her thanks to his mother for the assist.

“Hi,” said Sweetie Belle as lovingly as she could.

“Wowwww..." said Button in awe. "You look so pretty."

Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and primped her mane as she held her chin up high.

“Hmph! Tell me news, not history,” she said jokingly. “And you, Mister Mash, look quite dashing in that bowtie.”

“Thanks." Button scratched at his neck with his left forehoof. "It’s kinda itchy but my mom insisted that I wear it." Turning his head, Button took an item that he was carrying on his back and presented it to Sweetie Belle. "Oh, these are for you.” It was a bouquet of flowers with wrapped blossoms.

“Awwww, you brought me chocolate-covered orchids? That’s so sweeeeet. Thank youuu.”

Cookie Crumbles craned her neck out and poked her head through the doorway. She telekinetically removed the wrapper from one of the pansy blossoms.

“Mmmmmm, don’t mind if I do,” said Cookie as she bit the blossom off of the stem she had just unwrapped.

"Heyyyy," moaned Sweetie Belle.

"Awriiiight, dark chocolate," said Cookie as she chewed. "These don't come cheap."

“Would you like one, Mother?” asked Sweetie Belle rhetorically as she frowned.

“She’s such a generous girl," said Cookie to Button as she patted Sweetie Belle on the head. "Always sharing things with her mother. You must be Button Mash. I’m Cookie Crumbles, Sweetie Belle’s mom.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mrs.Crumbles,” said Button with a pleasant grin. “Looking at you, it’s easy to see where Sweetie Belle gets her good looks.”

“Ho-ho-hooooo, a bearer of dark chocolate and a flatterer. He's dangerous, this one.”

After several tries, Hondo was confident enough in his look to approach Button. He had descended the stairs and trotted to the doorway where his wife and daughter were now standing.

"So you’re the young daughter who’s dating my colt, eh?" asked Hondo, realizing that he had botched his phrase. "Ah, dang it.”

Button’s pupils grew wide as he looked up at Hondo.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed Button.

“What’d I tell you, Cookie?” asked Hondo with a smirk as he turned to look at his wife. “Intimidation.”

“HONDO FLAAAAANKS!” cried Button.

“Where?” asked Hondo playfully, looking to the left, the right and then between his forelegs.

“There!” said Button excitedly, pointing his hoof at Hondo. “You! You’re Hondo Flanks!"

“How did you know my dad's name?” asked Sweetie Belle. "I never told you what it was."

Button turned to face Sweetie Belle.

"Hondo Flanks... is your dad?" he asked. "Wow! Oh, this is awesome!"

"It is?"

"Of course it is! Hondo Flanks was the star quarterback for the Hoofington University Timberwolves! You’re the second highest scoring quarterback in Timberwolf history!”

Hondo’s jaw dropped.

“You know about my college hoofball career?” he asked.

“Only, like, everything about it!” said Button. "Sweetie Belle, why didn’t you tell me that your father was a hoofball legend?”

“I-I never knew,” she replied.

“She means she never listened," corrected Hondo. "I’ve tried telling both of my girls about my college games but they never showed any interest in athletic competition of any kind. Females, right?”

“Ha ha ha! Yeah!” replied Button. “Females.” Sweetie Belle frowned. "Can I please have your autograph, sir?"

"Heh, yeah, sure, no problem. I might have a few of my old eight-by-tens lying around somewhere... but there'll be plenty of time for that after dinner. Dinner? That's right! What are we doing standing around out here? I hope you're hungry. My wife's made some premium chow."

"Chow?" said Cookie who felt less than complimented by the word her husband used to describe her cooking.

"I'd be honored to dine with the great Hondo Flanks!" said Button.

"Come on in and have a seat," said Hondo, ushering Button inside.

"Wow," said Button as he walked through the door and looked around the house in awe. "I'm in a legend's home."

"Didja hear that, Cookie? You live in a legend's home!" Cookie was about to reply but Hondo returned his attention to Button. "So do you play?”

“You bet I do!" said Button as he took a seat at the dining room table. "The Ponyville schoolhouse isn’t big enough to have a full team of players but I play for fun with my classmates. Are you still head coach at Hoofington University?”

"Sure am," said Hondo as he took a seat next to Button.

“Button," said Sweetie Belle, "do you mind if I set my mane on fire while I eat a bucket of dead parasprites?”

“No, yeah, sure, that’s fine, go right ahead," said Button without even turning his head. "Wow. Hoof U – the alma mater of Hondo Flanks and the great Bronco Nahorski.”

“Aw, now I know you're putting me on. You, at your age, know who Bronco Nahorski was?”

Sweetie Belle had set the table earlier and she began to serve the food, starting with her mother's plate, then her father's, then Button's and finally her own - not that her coltfriend or father noticed.

“How could I not know him?" asked Button. "He’s a gridiron legend like you!”

“Pffthaw-haw-haw, well, I wouldn’t put myself in the same league as Nahorski...”

“Oh, you’re being way too modest, Mr. Flanks, sir.”

“If you’re familiar with him, you must really know your stuff! How are you at trivia?”

Button's features took on a look of confidence.

“Un.....stumpable,” he said, tapping his left forehoof on the dining room table to punctuate his declaration.

“That's a bold statement, little stallion," said Hondo as he folded his forelegs. "I hope you can back it up. Runaway Wagon’s number?”

“Fifty seven-”

“Gotcha!”

“...when he was a Manticore... but when he was traded to the Windigoes, he wore forty three.”

“Kid, color me impressed. You just weaved through my best trick question. And here I thought that kids these days only cared about today’s players. You must be a real student of the game! Who’s your favorite pro team? And for the love of Celestia, please don’t say the Ursas.”

“Pfft! The Ursas? Please! The Ursas are the biggest bunch of overrated, overpaid glory hogs in the sport! They got lucky with all three of their back-to-back championship wins and everypony knows it! I’m a Hydras fan all the way!”

“THEY’RE MY TEAM, TOO!!” squealed Hondo!

“NO WAY!”

“YES WAY!”

“Take down one head, get two more," chanted Hondo and Button in unison. "Hydras, Hydras, SCORE, SCORE, SCORE!” They shared a hearty laugh after their cheer followed by a hoofbump.

Cookie and Sweetie Belle looked at each other and they knew that they had lost their respective males to the allure of sports.

“Hey, y’know, I was in attendance at Farrier Field in Fillydelphia when the Hydras won the championship," said Hondo.

“Get... out," said Button out of shock.

Hondo rose from his seat and ran out of the dining room at full speed.

“I didn’t mean it literally'" said Button. "Uhhhh... Mr. Flanks?”

With her husband gone, Cookie finally had a moment to speak to Button.

"So, Button," she said, "Sweetie Belle tells me that-"

Hondo returned to the dining room huffing and puffing with a small picture frame that he was levitating and wearing his straw hat.

“This... is my ticket stub... that I got autographed by none other... than Long Bomb himself," said Hondo.

“AAAAAAAAAAA!!! LONG BOMB WROTE ON THIS TICKET STUB! And that's the straw hat you wore when you were on the sidelines during the Pumpkin Bowl game against the Chimeras! This is too much awesomeness! My head’s gonna explode! You, sir, are one of the luckiest stallions on earth!”

“Thanks. Hey, wouldja wanna come out to the yard with me and catch a few passes?”

“Would I? Oh, boy! I’d be honored, Mr. Flanks!”

“Please, call me Hondo. Cookie, wouldja mind keeping our food warm while me and Button throw a ball around for a while?” Hondo didn't wait for an answer before racing off to the back door with Button a half step behind him.

“Wow," said Cookie to her daughter. "I've never seen a stallion give a colt such a hard time, have you?”

“Dad may not have given him a hard time," said Sweetie Belle, "but when this night is over, I sure will.”

“And when he opened his front door - this was four in the morning, by the way - and saw me standing outside with his nineteen year old daughter draped across my back, passed out an’ reekin’ of cider and puke,” said Hondo, “he said to me ‘Hondo Flanks, may you only have daughters’. Then he took her, went inside, shut the door and I never saw hide nor hair of them ever again. They moved to Las Pegasus. I thought his curse was the lamest I'd ever heard. I was in the best shape of my life, a shoo-in for top draft pick, bursting with potential. What did I care, right? As long as I could fire a hoofball into one of my receivers with the accuracy of a Canterlot catapult, that was all that mattered to me. Well, two deteriorated rotator cuffs, a bum knee, a marriage and two daughters later, I knew that he chose his curse wisely. He hit me right where it hurt. I don’t have any boys of my own to pass my love of the game onto.”

Hondo and Button had killed over an hour of their dinnertime throwing a hoofball to each other before returning to the dining room. Cookie and Sweetie Belle had already finished their meal but sat at the table nonetheless while the boys picked at their cold food over conversation that, unsurprisingly, excluded them.

“You poor guy," said Button as he patted Hondo's left forehoof sympathetically with his right forehoof.

“Sorry to be such a disappointment, Dad,” said a sarcastic and frowning Sweetie Belle between clenched teeth.

“Ah, that’s okay, Sweetie Belle,” said Hondo. “It’s not your fault you were born a filly.”

Sweetie Belle faced her mother and gave her a look as if to ask 'can you believe this?'. Cookie closed her eyes and nodded as if to say 'I’m sorry to say that I can'. Sweetie Belle sighed, lamenting over how this had been one of the worst nights of her life.

“Hondo, this has been one of the best nights of my life," said Button. "I’ve never felt this kind of connection with a stallion before.”

“Doesn’t your dad take you to games?” asked Hondo.

“No. He’s a... please don’t laugh... he's a ballet dancer.”

“Eugh! You mean he dances around in those skin tight outfits like a swishy lulu nancy mare?”

Button sighed.

“Yeah,” he confessed.

"Ouch. I feel your pain, little stallion."

“And my mom doesn't like hoofball so she doesn’t take me to live games.”

“You poor kid,” said Hondo sympathetically.

“Anyway, this has been great and all... and I’d love to stay up all night and talk hoofball with the Hondo Flanks but I really should get going. It’s getting late and my mom’s waiting for me to get back home. If I don’t show up soon, she’ll come looking for me." Button shivered. "That’s never cool.”

“Ugh, I know that feeling. Cookie here sometimes shows up at my favorite sports tavern looking for me. It never ends. Bummer.”

“Yeah. Bummer.”

“A stallion shouldn’t have to look over his shoulder for a mare to tell him where he can be and how long he can stay out.”

“Hear, hear!”

“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you spend the night here, Button? You can sleep in Sweetie Belle’s room!”

"Honey..." said Cookie to get Hondo's attention.

“But where am I supposed to sleep?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Where you always do, hun," said Hondo very matter-of-factly. "Your bed's big enough for two.”

“WHAT?” shouted Cookie and Sweetie Belle simultaneously.

“You’re just kids," stated Hondo. "He’s not gonna try anything. I trust him.”

“Honey, can we have a talk in the kitchen?” asked Cookie.

“In a minute, Cookie. So whaddya say, sport?”

“Uh, Hondo, I don’t think it’s such a good idea for me to sleep in a girl’s bed. What about the couch?”

“Sorry but that’s where my husband will be sleeping tonight if he doesn’t come into the kitchen with me for that talk pronto," said Cookie.

“He’s not sleeping in my bed, Dad," said Sweetie Belle.

“Why not?” asked Hondo.

“Because it’s moving too fast!”

“Then tell your bed to slow down." Hondo winked and nudged Button's foreleg with his elbow. "Ah? Get it? Slow down?”

“AAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Button held his sides and laughed until he shed tears. "Ah, you're a riot, Hondo."

Hondo smiled, reveling in how wonderful it was to have somepony who admired him so.

“Button, I feel like we’re practically family, you and I," he said. "Y’know... come to think of it... you would be family if you married Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle seized up and fell off her chair like a fainting goat. Cookie caught her daughter with a levitation spell and set her back on the chair.

“Married?" said Button. He cast his eyes downward and wrung his forehooves. "Uh... Gee, I dunno, Hondo. This is all so sudden. Could I have some time to think about it?”

"It sure is a good thing that you don't need anypony else to consult about that decision, huh?" asked Sweetie Belle under her breath.

“Sure, Button," said Hondo. "But keep in mind that I’m not a spring chicken anymore. When my clock runs out, the ladies in my life will probably toss out my collection of Hydra memorabilia.”

“AAAAAAAH! NO WAY!”

“I’d rather that it go to a family member who could appreciate it. Somepony like you. Whaddya say, little stallion? Wanna be the son-in-law of a legend?”

Button Mash ran over to Sweetie Belle, got to his knees and held her right forehoof.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Button, “Will you marry me? Please say yes! Please, please, pleeeeease!”

Sweetie Belle was a romantic at heart. She wanted to accept a proposal from Button more than just about anything. But not now – and definitely not for the reasons for which Button was now proposing. This was an outright debacle, devoid of romance and passion. Tears of bemusement budded in her eyes and her face was hot and rapidly turning crimson with rage. Her teeth clenched and she emitted a faint sustained growl that was steadily rising in pitch. She was angry with Button for ignoring her through dinner. She was angry with her father for mesmerizing Button like a moth entranced by a streetlamp. And she was angry that she would have to decline a proposal that Button would otherwise not have made of his own volition based on her own merit.

Button’s ears lowered as he backed away slowly from Sweetie Belle who looked rather scary to him right now.

Drawing in a deep breath, Sweetie Belle reared her head back and belted out one of her trademark skull-splitting screams from the bottom of her lungs. Anything in the house that could shake did shake as a result of the scream.

Hondo and Button held their forehooves to their ears as they huddled together and watched Sweetie Belle scream. Once the scream had come to an end, Hondo and Button looked at each other.

“Ooh, you messed up somewhere, kid,” said Hondo to Button as he poked his chest with his forehoof. “Tough break.”

“He’s not the only one,” growled Cookie.

Hondo cringed at his wife's tone of voice. He turned his head to look at her and then cringed again. It was worse than he feared. Cookie's horn was aflame with energy and the scowl she wore usually preceded being chewed out royally.

Hondo then did what any married stallion who has angered his wife to such a degree would do in his situation.

He levitated Button and carefully placed him between himself and Cookie, hiding behind the boy the best that he could.

The Big Speech II (daughter's edition)

Rarity’s saddlebags jingled as she walked alongside the lake and grinned, admiring the way the moonlight danced beautifully across the water’s surface. She was approaching her parents’ house and spotted her father dressed in a suit jacket and lying down about twenty feet away from the front door.

“Father?” asked Rarity.

“Hi, jelly bean,” said Hondo with a wide smile. “Long time no see.”

“First I find Sweetie Belle out and about in the middle of the night and now I find you out here all by yourself. Did something happen?”

“Short version or long version?”

“Mmmmmmmwe’ll go with short.”

“I told your sister’s coltfriend that he could spend the night with her in her bed and now I’m not allowed back in the house until I’ve thought about what I’ve done.”

“Hmm. Well, I’m certain that you’ll have an epiphany before midnight. If everything else is all right, I must beg your pardon. I must speak with Mother.”

“Sure. Hey, Rarity?”

“Yes, Father?”

“Is there a reason why don’t you carry stallion’s clothing in your shop?”

Rarity blinked.

“Why?” she asked. “Were you interested in a new suit?”

“No, I was just curious is all.”

“Oh. Well, I could design stallionswear... I’ve done so before for a few special orders... but it’s just not challenging enough to do on a regular basis... and it’s not where my true passion lies. One can only do so much with stallion’s fashion before hitting a wall. With mare’s clothing, the sky’s the limit. A mare’s outfit expresses her mood and those can change by the second. We may feel confident, flirty, reserved, whimsical, austere... the list goes on. We mares are enigmas with a multitude of emotions and we want beautiful, extravagant ensembles to reflect them. More to the point, mares want to buy ensembles that reflect these moods and my creativity allows me to perfectly capture those moods in fabric and gem. I connect with my regular customers in a very special way. I become attuned to what they like and I know how to give it to them – because only a mare knows another mare’s needs. Some days I’ll sit by the door to my shop and my mouth waters over the desire to satisfy the next mare that comes inside with a special request! Why, the very idea makes me so giddy that I can hardly contain myself.” Her smile melted away as she concluded her opinion. “But if a stallion comes inside my boutique, well...” Rarity shrugged. “I’m just not as interested in the possibilities.”

Hondo shifted his jaw.

“Uhhhh-huh,” he said suspiciously as he bit his lip. “Well, that certainly answers that question... as well as a few others. Listen, I don’t want to hold you up so I’ll let you go on inside so you can catch up with your mother, okay?”

“Adieu, Father.” Rarity planted a kiss on her father’s left cheek. “Mwah. It’s always lovely to see you.”

Rarity opened the door and closed it behind her as she entered the house.

“Yyyyyeah...” sighed Hondo. “My daughter’s not gay at all. And what the Tartarus is ‘austere’?”

“Yoo-hoooooo? Moth-errrrr?” sang Rarity as she entered the kitchen in search of her parent.

“Hey, the prodigal daughter returns,” said Cookie as she put down her dishcloth by the sink and turned to face her daughter. “What’s the occasion?”

“Do I really visit home that infrequently?” said Rarity with a pout. “Shame on me. I’m terribly sorry about that. I promise to make it a point to come by more often.”

“Is that another dress for me? You know I appreciate the thought, hun, but I’m seriously running out of closet space. I’ve got more dresses than I have occasions to use them. I don’t want to be one of those storage space ponies.”

“That’s all right. I just brought it along to have an excuse to stop by. I reasoned that Father would become disinterested in something feminine and leave us be but since he’s currently outside sulking, this is actually the perfect time.”

“For what?”

Rarity grinned warmly at her dear mother. She telekinetically extracted a folded up piece of paper that was concealed within the dress and then tossed the dress on the kitchen table. Cookie watched with great interest as Rarity put on her reading glasses and cleared her throat.

“You. Are. Special,” began Rarity as she read from the paper. “Those three simple words formed the first sentence in a marvelous speech that you read to me when I was ten years old. That sentence held so much power, so much meaning... and for one simple reason: I believed you. Now that I am in my adulthood, I have something that I’d like to read to you and it is my sincerest wish that you believe the first sentence as well as all the others. There isn’t enough writing paper in all of Equestria for me to adequately convey in writing my appreciation for the countless ways you’ve shaped my life into what it is today so I hope you’ll forgive its brevity. While it took me a while to craft this speech in order to get it just right, its first sentence was never in question. You are special, Mother. All that I am I owe to you. You gave me more than life – any mother gives their child life at birth – you gave me directions and a map so that I could navigate life on my own. Even in my formative years, you saw the fire of independence in my eyes and rather than extinguish that independence, you encouraged it. It was your love, patience, and guidance that allowed a little filly to envision the adult that she dreamed of becoming and it was your spark of faith in her that allowed her to believe that she could make that dream a reality. You taught me how to believe in myself, how to respect myself, and how to persevere when things didn’t go my way. You taught me how to decide for myself when it was time for fun and when it was time to work. You served as my role model. I wanted to be just like you: unabashed, caring, intelligent, generous, creative and fearless. You pushed me when I needed to be pushed and you let me go at my own pace when I wanted to take off in my own direction, even when that direction took me away from the comforts of home. You did all this and more, tirelessly and without complaint. Some lessons were harder for me to learn than others but those that I did take to heart became the foundation of my life.”

Cookie held her right forehoof to her smiling lips, touched by her daughter’s words.

“I have been blessed with good fortune as a result of the morals and values you instilled in me,” continued Rarity. “My auspicious career did not come easily but I never gave up because I was told by a very wise mare ahead of time that striking out on my own wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I’ve tried offering you homes, vacations, and other luxuries that both you and father denied yourselves in years past so that your two children could have everything they needed – and you’ve turned them all down. Not out of resentment or jealousy, but because you wanted me to enjoy the fruits of my own labor. You know how stubborn I can be when I don’t get my way. For years, I was determined to spoil you with something special that you would be willing to accept. And then I glanced at my calendar and saw that the answer had been staring me in the face every three hundred fifty-six days. A simple, heartfelt speech was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received; so much so that I’ve been marking that day on my calendar every year since the day it reached my ears and touched my heart. And so, with quill and ink, I set forth to produce something worthy of the mare who brought me into the world. It seems like such a meager way of expressing my gratitude but I have a hunch that this speech is a gift that you’ll accept. I hope that it will make you as happy as yours made me. Your speech ended just as fabulously as it started and I struggled to find just the right words to bring it to a close until I finally found the winning combination.”

Rarity cleared her throat.

“In my adult life,” she said as her voice wavered, “I have been called many things: fashionista, philanthropist, best friend, even heroine...

Rarity cancelled her levitation spell and dropped the sheet of paper upon which her speech was written. She had rehearsed these final words at home so she didn’t need to read the paper to conclude her speech. Removing her glasses, Rarity sniffled as her lower lip quivered. Her entire body trembled as the emotion present in her next words overpowered her.

“...but no matter what I’ve been called, am currently called, or have yet to be called,” she continued, “there is one title... that I shall always value above the rest; a title that makes me prouder than all of the others combined.”

Tears flowed steadily down Rarity’s face as she squeaked her final words.

“Daughter... of Cookie Crumbles.”

Cookie had been fighting tears herself throughout most of the speech but upon its beautiful conclusion, she burst into sobs.

“Oh, Rarity,” she whispered.

Unable to suppress their emotions any longer, Cookie and Rarity threw their forelegs around one another in a soulful embrace and wept with joy, the only thing between them being their unbreakable mother/daughter bond. Cookie planted a kiss on Rarity’s cheek and rocked from side to side as she held her beautiful baby. Her grown mare. Her Rarity.

“I love you so much, Mother,” whimpered Rarity, breathing in short gasps as her weeping allowed.

“Thank you, baby,” whimpered Cookie. “I love you, too.”

After a minute, Cookie broke the hug with a smile.

“Now get out of this house and don’t come back without one or more of my grandchildren,” she ordered.

Rarity giggled as she gently dabbed her waterproof mascara-lined eyes dry with a hoofkerchief she obtained from her saddlebag.

“I’ll get started on that immediately,” she said. “Do you think that stallion next door who immerses himself in jelly would want to elope with me?”

“Absolutely,” said a tearful voice that came from the window. “You guys are such a beautiful family.”

Rarity and Cookie quickly turned their heads to see their jelly-loving neighbor in tears. He was spying on them through their open living room window which Cookie swore she had closed earlier. The stallion was wearing his favorite homemade T-shirt that featured an illustration of a jelly tub with blue, green, lavender and pink layers of jelly within it and had the words CELESTIA PRESERVES written in a half circle across the top.

Both mares used their telekinesis to slam the window down on his hooves.

The stallion screamed out in pain. After pulling his hooves out from under the window, Rarity closed and locked it while Cookie pulled down the shade.

“Is that offer on that two-family house in Las Pegasus still good?” asked Cookie.

“You’d accept it?” asked Rarity.

“It’s not for me. It’s for him.”

"I doubt he'd want to move."

"He wouldn't have to. Bring the house here so I can drop it on top of him."

The Big Reunion

Crickets chirped away while Hondo Flanks peered into the water over the edge of the dock in front of his house. The moon, which was being particularly capricious tonight, toyed with the idea of coming out from behind the cottony clouds that shrouded it but never showed itself entirely, making the sonless stallion who peered back at Hondo somewhat difficult to see.

Hondo’s right ear rotated toward his house as he heard his front door open and shut, followed by the same jingling he heard when Rarity first came by and he wondered why the jingle sounded so familiar. A series of hoofsteps which started at the front door concluded right behind him. The next sounds he heard were the gentle chime of his daughter’s horn and the opening of a saddlebag. The jingle rang out again and he turned his head to find that Rarity was levitating a six pack of bottled cider which she set down gently on the dock by his side. A drop of condensation trickled down the neck of the ice cold bottle, inviting Hondo to partake of its chilled contents. Hondo looked at Rarity, then back at the six pack, then back at Rarity. She gave him a gentle smile which he returned with one of his own.

“You’re officially my favorite daughter until Sweetie Belle turns twenty-one,” said Hondo jokingly as he levitated one of the bottles from the cardboard carrying case and opened it. “After that, it’s between whichever one of you buys me cider last.” He brought the bottle to his lips, tipped his head back and drank heartily.

“Oh, what a relief,” said Rarity with a sarcastic smirk. “I was afraid that winning your favor would be based on something arbitrary.” She nuzzled her father affectionately. “Have a good night, Father – and remember...”

“I know, I know. ‘Enjoy responsibly’. G’night, kiddo. Love you.”

“I love you, too, Father. I’ll try to stop by more often.”

“Is that so? Then I look forward to the pleasure of your company.” He raised his bottle and waved it around. “Especially if you bring more of these along with you.”

Rarity grinned as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She left her father to enjoy his drink and headed home.

Hondo grew tired of lounging around the dock and he decided to go to the front lawn where he would be able to enjoy his libation while lying on his deck chair.

“Excuse me, sir,” said a mare’s voice that came from behind him.

Hondo turned around and saw an earth pony mare standing in front of him. She had a tan coat, a dirty blonde mane and tail, and beautiful blue-green eyes that reminded him of somepony from long ago.

“Oh, hello, miss,” said Hondo as he placed the six pack and bottle down. “What can I do for you?”

The mare’s pupils narrowed. She covered her open mouth with her right forehoof and stared at Hondo, seemingly shocked by something.

“Oh... my... Celestia,” said the mare. “Hondo Flanks?”

Could he have had another fan like Button? He stood up a bit straighter.

“That’s me.” he said. “Have we me-”

As the moon made its way out from behind the clouds, its illumination gave Hondo a better look at the mare’s face. His jaw dropped. It was now his turn to be shocked – for this was the very somepony from long ago.

“Elaina?!” asked Hondo.

The mare nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes!” she cried.

The old acquaintances hugged and laughed. They hadn’t laid eyes upon one another since before he met his future wife Cookie.

“Oh, wow! It’s really you!” cried Hondo. “How’ve you been?”

“Good, how about you?”

“I’m doing just great. What in Celestia’s name are you doing here?”

“I live here!” said Elaina, beaming with a smile she couldn’t hide.

“Really?”

“Really!”

“Where? With that jelly loving dude next door?”

“What? No, I don’t mean here here. I mean Ponyville here.”

“No kidding? Since when?”

“For years now.”

“Years? And we never bumped into each other before now? That’s crazy! I need to get out more. So you live in Ponyville here... but what are you doing here here?”

“I came here here looking for my son. What are you doing here here?”

“This is my house house.” Elaina giggled. “Hold on a sec. Are you... Button Mash’s mom?”

Elaina gasped.

“Yes!” she replied. “Are you Sweetie Belle’s dad?”

“Yeah! Ha ha ha!”

“Oh, my gosh! Your daughter is dating my son! What a crazy coincidence!”

“But even crazier than that is how I got old and fat while Father Time hasn’t touched one hair on your head. You must be, what, thirty five by now?”

“Thirty-six... and you are not old and fat.”

“Thirty-six... and every bit as smokin’ hot as when we first started dating in high school.”

Elaina beamed.

“I see you still haven’t lost that trademark flattery that slew all the girls in Hoofington High,” she said. “Is Button still here?”

“Actually, you just missed him,” replied Hondo. “Sweetie Belle’s walking him home right now.”

“Oh. I hope he behaved himself at dinner. His table manners can be a bit lacking.”

“Ah, he was fine. Better than I was at that age, that’s for sure.”

“Your daughter must have inherited her father’s charm. No ordinary filly could pull my Button away from video games for very long.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s a chip off the old block, all right.”

“Have you got pictures?”

“Like I’d go anywhere without them!” Hondo levitated his wallet from his shirt pocket and opened up the accordion-folded photo inserts. Elaina sidled up to Hondo and looked at the photos. “This here is my oldest, Rarity... and this is Sweetie Belle.” Now that Elaina was closer, Hondo caught the familiar scent of his old girlfriend’s perfume and he was instantly taken back to yesteryear when she was his to kiss and hold, things that he was ashamed to admit that he yearned to do once more.

“Aw, she’s adorable,” said Elaina. “I hope she and Button have better luck as a couple than you and I did.”

“Well, there’s not much chance of them getting their hooves on hard cider at a keg party just yet,” said Hondo. “At least, I hope there isn’t.”

The unresolved bit of business that tore them apart was now on the table – which only made sense since they wouldn’t have been honest with one another if they had avoided that subject.

“That whole mess was all my fault, Hondo,” said Elaina. “I’m really sorry about my behavior at that party. I was a lightweight and I got carried away. I didn’t know my limit and by the time I surpassed it, I was a lost cause.”

“You didn’t know your strength, either,” said Hondo as he rubbed the side of his face. “I can still feel the spot where you socked me across the jaw with a right cross for trying to cut you off for having one too many.”

“I hit you? Oh, my Celestia, I don’t remember that at all. I am so sorry.”

“Eh, don’t worry, it was a long time ago.”

“When my father decided to pack us up and move to Las Pegasus the next morning, I was heartbroken. It might have just been me but I felt that you and I had something special but then, like an idiot, I carelessly threw it all away.”

“Trust me, El, it wasn’t just you. I almost went off looking for you but Las Pegasus is a pretty big town and I was barely scraping by on the little money I had working down by the docks for my old man. I didn’t stand a ghost of a chance of finding you and I didn’t have had a clue what I would have done next, even if I did find you. And Coach Stirrup would’ve kicked me off the team if my grades dropped... and you knew how badly I wanted to go pro.”

“I always wondered about that. Did you ever get drafted by a pro team? I know that was your lifelong dream.”

“Nah, turned out that my body knew what I didn’t. The warning signs told me to quit and I did. I could still throw a ball – just not with a half ton of stallion flesh charging at me and knocking me to the ground at the same time. And since that’s kind of the whole point, I retired from the sport at the top of my game. But I met a wonderful mare in college, married her, and started a family so I made a different dream come true. I don’t regret a thing. Well, maybe one little thing.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“I never had any sons.”

“Oh. I know how you feel. I never had any daughters.”

“But what a son you have, El. Let me tell you, I was ready to haze Button all night long for dating my Sweetie Belle – I mean, I had a list and everything – but then he surprised me by knowing about my college hoofball career and we got along so well that I couldn’t go through with any of it. He really is a great kid. But I guess it’d be kind of hard for him to go wrong if he was raised by the kindest, sweetest girl I ever knew.”

Elaina smiled.

“You’re too kind,” she said. “He could stand to pay a little more attention in school but, overall, I’m very happy with him.”

“And what an athlete! We threw a hoofball around for a while and, Elaina, you have got a future hall of famer on your hooves. Once he fills out a little more, I think he could get an athletic scholarship. Maybe he’ll even get to play for the pros. You should really take him to live games. He told me that you don’t. Why is that, if I may ask?”

“I guess I never took him to live games because... hoofball reminded me too much of you... and how my biggest mistake cost me the most wonderful relationship I’ve ever had.”

“You mean until your husband came along. Right?”

Elaina hesitated to reply.

“Yes, of course.” She smiled. “But now that I know that you’re doing okay and that I shouldn’t feel so guilty, I could start taking him to live games. He has so much energy that I haven’t felt my age once since he was born.”

“Yeah. He made me feel young again, too. But that’s the magic of parenthood. Kids do that to you.”

“They sure do. I wish I could give him a sister but...”

“But?”

Elaina hesitated again.

“I don’t know if this is breaking some sort of husband/wife confidentiality,” said Elaina, “but my husband’s developed some... problems in the fertility department recently. As if my marriage needed to be any more strained than it already is.”

“Dang, that’s a real shame. It could be those frou-frou tights he wears.”

Elaina raised an eyebrow.

“How did you... Oh, Button must have told you that he’s a dancer, didn’t he?”

“Yeah. Geez Louise, El! I mean, yeah, it was already a given that you’d never find a more macho he-stallion than me to date... but I never thought you’d go to the other end of the spectrum and hook up with a ballerina dude. What do you call him, anyway? A ballerino? A sugar plum fairy?”

Elaina smirked and poked Hondo in the chest.

“I call him my husband, Mister Wisenheimer,” said Elaina. “And hoofball players wear tights, too, as I recall.”

“Oh-ho-ho, don’t you even go there, missy. We hoofball players are all stallion – and we wear cups under those tights to protect our valuables.”

“When he’s not on the road, my husband and I keep trying to conceive – but we haven’t struck gold once since having Button. The pressure of aiming for that mark and constantly failing has been getting to him... and to me, too. It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even want to hold me anymore, even for the little time that we have together.”

“Have you given any thought to adopting? One of Sweetie Belle’s best friends is an orphan and she’s a great kid.”

Elaina shook her head.

“I’m sure that she’s lovely,” she said, “but I know that adoption’s not for me. It might sound masochistic but I’m craving the physical state of pregnancy. Having a young filly instantly integrated into my family just wouldn’t be the same as carrying her around inside me. I’ve always wanted at least one boy and one girl. And pretty soon, I’ll be at an age where I won’t be able to carry a baby to term safely.”

“Cookie had that same concern so she decided we should call it quits after Sweetie Belle was born. And Cookie’s only a year older than you are. Yeah... Life sure has a way of keeping us from the things we want.” Hondo looked up at the moon as he longed for an answer to his earlier prayer.

“I’d do anything to have another,” said Elaina. She looked at Hondo and blinked. “Hondo?”

“Hm?”

She cast her eyes to the ground and then back to his eyes.

“Would... you like to help me make one?” she asked.

“Huh? Make one what?”

“A baby.”

Hondo said nothing. He simply stared at Elaina, frozen in a state of shock and incredulousness.

“My husband would have no reason to suspect that the baby wouldn’t be his,” continued Elaina. “My grandfather on my mother’s side was a unicorn so if our baby had a horn, I’d have a rock solid alibi. I might give birth to the girl I never had or the boy you never had. Fifty-fifty. Those are pretty good odds, don’t you think? And you and I could have the night together that we never had. Surely you’ve at least thought about what it would be like to be with me.” She straightened his tie. “I know I’ve thought about what it would be like to be with you. I’ve even convinced my husband to wear a mustache when he and I are in bed... and while he doesn’t know it, it’s so that I can secretly fantasize that I’m with you.” Hondo smiled awkwardly as he loosened his collar. “I never did get to find out for myself if the nickname that the other girls gave you was accurate or just a rumor.”

Hondo scrunched his eyes shut and sighed.

“Magnum,” he muttered. In Hondo’s younger days, he was quite the ladies’ stallion; handsome, athletic, and very eager to please. He had garnered such a reputation as a fantastic lover, particularly centered around a certain part of his anatomy and its impressive size, that he had been nicknamed Magnum by his female fans. Sleeping with him had almost become a rite of passage for the young mares of Hoofington High. What nopony other than Hondo knew was that Elaina, who was seemingly the latest girl in his life, was going to be the last girl in his life. He was so taken with Elaina’s innocent beauty, both inside and out, that he had silently vowed to put his promiscuous ways behind him and make her his steady girlfriend.

And, if the fates were kind, maybe even his wife somewhere down the line.

Alas, the fates were not kind. One party with alcohol later, their relationship had come to an unsatisfactory end.

“Nopony else would have to know,” continued Elaina. “I promise to keep it a secret. Please, Hondo... spend just one night with me. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t at the end of my rope. I don’t want to have a stranger’s baby... and both of your girls look very healthy and beautiful. I promise it won’t go any further than one night. If for whatever reason you don’t get me pregnant, it wouldn’t be a total loss, would it? I know how bad it sounds when I say that committing adultery could save my marriage... but honestly, at this point, I don’t see any other way.” She walked closer to Hondo until she was nearly nose to nose with him. “What do you say? Will you help me? Please?”

And there you have it, thought Hondo to himself. You prayed for a chance to have a son and Luna hoof delivered Elaina to you. Have you never heard of the phrase “be careful what you wish for; you just might just get it”? The hottest girl you ever knew is throwing herself at you like you’re some kind of movie star. Well, I got news for you, pally. You’re not a movie star. You’re not a cheater, either. Infidelity? At your age? What’s the matter with you? Cut your losses and go home to your boring, happy life, you moron.

Hondo placed his right forehoof on Elaina’s shoulder.

“Elaina,” said Hondo. “I was nuts about you when we were kids. And looking into those beautiful blue-green eyes of yours that I still think you stole out of a sleeping angel’s head, I don’t think I ever stopped being nuts about you. I don’t mind tellin’ you that, back in the day, I would’ve done absolutely anything that you’d’ve asked me to do, no matter how crazy it was. But what you’re asking here and now, well... things are different.”

Elaina ears drooped. She closed her eyes and hung her head as she prepared to listen to a no that was far longer than she wanted to hear.

“I wouldn’t be the only one affected by my decision if I agreed to help you,” continued Hondo. “My body doesn’t belong to just me anymore. I love my wife and my daughters and I love the life we’ve built together too much to throw it all away on a one-night stand. My family means everything to me. You can’t bend a vow. You can only break ‘em. Cookie and my girls wouldn’t have to know that I broke my vow... but I’d know... and I’m not very good at keeping secrets from them. They’d be crushed if they found out. And even if they could find it in their hearts to forgive my betrayal, they’d never forget it. It’d kill me if I saw something other than love in their eyes when they look at me.”

“And what do you see in my eyes when you look at me?” asked Elaina, making a last ditch attempt to persuade him.

Hondo looked into her eyes as he thought long and hard on his answer.

“A crying shame of a lost opportunity,” he said. “It’s sad... but it’s true. Elaina, sweetness, I’ve never been more flattered by an offer in my life... but as tempting as it is, I can’t take you up on it. And if your husband means even half as much to you as my wife means to me, I think you owe it to him and your sons to either have a talk with him to see if you can’t iron things out or to go your separate ways and marry a stallion who can give you what your ex-husband couldn’t – without breaking any of the vows you made to him.”

Elaina sighed. She opened her eyes halfway and looked away.

“You’re right,” she said. “It was selfish and stupid of me to ask such a thing of you. It’s just that you seemed like the answer to my prayers. I got swept up in the moment, not seeing you for so many years... and I actually respect you, too.” She looked up at Hondo with a weak grin. “Although you wouldn’t know it by the way I asked you for your genetic material like you were some kind of vending machine.”

“Just don’t go sticking bits in any of my slots,” said Hondo as he stood on his hind legs and covered his plot with his forehooves. “I don’t give change.”

Elaina laughed.

“Oh, Celestia,” she said. “I can’t tell you how I’ve missed that wit of yours.” She sighed. “I don’t know what else to say except that... I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” asked Hondo. “For what? For reminding an old, washed up has-been that he’s still got it goin’ on? Don’t be. Your offer is a feather in my cap that I can look at when I’m put out to pasture. Selfish? Mmmmmyeah, maybe.... but stupid? The only stupid thing about it was thinking that one night with you would be enough for any stallion.”

Elaina blushed as she brushed a stray hair in front of her face back behind her right ear.

“I really have missed that flattery,” she said softly, smiling and tilting her head slightly to the left. “What could have been, huh, Hondo?”

“Yeah,” he said softly with a gentle grin. “What could have been.”

Hondo and Elaina looked at one another a bit longer than they should have. The embers of the love that they shared so many years ago were still smoldering, perhaps no more than a tender kiss away from reignition.

But the flames of that love were not meant to burn.

And they both knew it.

“I should get back,” said Elaina, clearing her throat. “It’s getting late and Button tends to get anxious if he’s home when I’m not around.”

“Yeah, take care of yourself, Elaina,” said Hondo. “It was great to see you again. Maybe we’ll run into each other at the schoolhouse when there’s a parent/teacher meeting or a graduation ceremony or something.”

“Maybe.” She took a few steps back and took one last look at her lost love. “Good bye, Hondo. For what it’s worth, you’ll always be... ‘the one that got away’.”

It was Hondo’s turn to blush.

“Wow,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “I’d say something but... honestly, I don’t think I can top that.”

Elaina grinned. She turned around and started to walk away.

“Oh, hey, Elaina,” said Hondo.

“Yes?” asked Elaina, turning to face Hondo again.

“Do you clip coupons?”

Elaina grinned.

“Does it show?” she asked. “Yes, I clip coupons religiously. Why?”

Hondo closed his eyes and shook his head with a smirk. Even if he had married Elaina instead of Cookie, he still wouldn’t have escaped that pasttime.

“No reason,” said Hondo, opening his eyes. “I guess I just had you pegged as a smart shopper for some nutty reason. Never mind.” He waved to Elaina. “G’bye.”

“Bye.”

Sleeping with another mare definitely constituted cheating. Looking at another mare’s plot did not – and Hondo took full advantage of that liberty as he watched Elaina’s southern end gyrate hypnotically with each step. He noted that the years had been kind to Elaina’s posterior and his body responded in the same way that it did with all healthy straight stallions taking in such a ripe and delectable sight. The knowledge that he could have had a piece of that made the physical manifestation of his excitement all the more difficult to ignore.

With great haste, Hondo galloped to the front door of his house, hoping that his significant other was as interested in reaping the benefits of his excitement as he was.

Cookie Crumbles was hard at work organizing her coupons in her binder. A gentle gust of wind blew one of the coupons off the table and before it hit the ground, Cookie levitated it and brought it to her eyes to see which one it was. It was for a product that she hadn’t used in nearly a decade: diapers.

Not only did she not remember clipping this one but the window from which the gust could have come – was closed.

She looked at the coupon again. Looking to her left, she remembered the spot where Sweetie Belle’s high chair once stood. It was always a challenge to see just how much more baby food would wind up in Sweetie Belle’s mouth than on her coat, Hondo’s coat, or the kitchen floor. The joy that Sweetie Belle brought them was just as great as the joy that Rarity brought them.

Babies weren’t just a never-ending series of teething, sleepless nights and accidentally dropped used diapers. There were first steps, first words, bath times, and that baby smell that nothing else on the planet came close to duplicating.

Cookie looked through the window at the night sky. There was a full moon out. She remembered something about the moon that she had forgotten.

It was a symbol of fertility.

If I were to pray to Princess Luna, she wondered, would she be able to grant me a safe pregnancy?

The front door opened and Hondo entered the house.

“Well, you sure sat out there for a while, huh?” asked Cookie. “I hope you used some of that time to reflect and think about what to say to Sweetie Belle when she gets back. Seems like she’s been gone a while now. She must be having a long talk with Button about-”

Hondo wrapped his right foreleg around the back of Cookie’s neck and kissed her. The level of passion she felt in that kiss was off the charts. Cookie lifted her own right foreleg and wrapped it around the back of Hondo’s neck, drawing him closer to savor the expression of love that her wonderful stallion was giving her. She was unaccustomed to receiving romantic kisses such as these. She had even written off receiving them on anything but special occasions, like when she accepted Hondo’s marriage proposal, on their wedding day, when she announced that she was expecting, and on anniversaries. She didn’t want to be suspicious of her husband but if there was one truth about Hondo, it was that he was a creature of habit. Something had happened to compromise his routine. But what? The answer didn’t come to her. What did come to her was the unmistakable feeling of elation and arousal. A romantic kiss such as this was usually a precursor to lovemaking and that always got her blood pumping. She loved his touch, his taste, his smell...

...which was a bit different somehow.

She couldn’t have married a stallion that she didn’t love in every way – and love him she did. She knew that age was slowly creeping up on them and that it wouldn’t be long before a nap would sound better than a roll in the hay. So while youth was still somewhat theirs and their libidos still healthy, they would celebrate their love in their dance of delight for as long as they were able.

The kiss broke and Hondo followed it with a neck nuzzle. Cookie closed her eyes and nuzzled him back.

“Great googily moogily,” panted Cookie into her husband’s ear, smiling widely and sporting bedroom eyes. “All these years of being happily married and you can still sweep me off my hooves with one kiss just like when we were in college.”

“Cookie,” said Hondo. “I love you. If you’ll come upstairs with me, I’d love to show you how much. Don’t worry, I’m over the whole ‘son’ thing. I’ll still wear a con-”

Cookie gently placed her right forehoof over her husband’s lips to silence him.

“Shhhhhhh,” she hushed. “You don’t have to wear anything you don’t want to wear in bed...” She spoke the final word of her sentence slowly and batted her eyelashes at him. “...bayyyyyy-beeeeeee.”

Hondo’s eyes lit up.

Cookie only called him “baby” twice before. It was a pet name she only used as a good luck charm – for when they were about to conceive.

“Does this mean...?” he sputtered. “You wanna... Can we... You’d want to.. Again?”

Cookie nodded.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “But hurry before I change my mind. Sweetie Belle should be back home any minute so let’s make this a quickie.”

Hondo smiled. Princess Luna had come through for him! His heart fluttered as he levitated his wife and joyfully kissed her while trotting up the stairs. A chance at a son! And if that wasn’t enough to put a spring in his step – a chance at having unprotected intercourse with his wife! His heart was doing cartwheels at the thought of both of those prospects. He had arrived at the door and just as he was about to enter their bedroom, Cookie broke the kiss and stuck all four of her legs outward to prevent herself from being carried inside.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Put me down, please,” she requested flatly. Hondo quickly did as he was told and he saw that Cookie had a very stern look on her face. She leaned forward and looked him square in the eye. “Hondo, did you happen to bump into a mare while you were outside?”

In the split second that Hondo had to decide whether or not he should tell her the truth or a lie, he went with a lie.

“Only Rarity,” replied Hondo. “Why?”

Cookie closed her eyes.

“Then would you mind explaining to my satisfaction why you have the faint smell of perfume about you?” asked Cookie. “I hugged Rarity while she was here tonight – and neither she nor I were wearing any fragrance.”

Cookie opened her eyes again. They were not happy eyes. They were now-tell-me-the-truth-and-I-might-let-you-live eyes.

Hondo scrunched his eyes shut and gulped, immediately regretting his decision.

Always a catch, he thought.

The Big Apologies

Sweetie Belle trudged slowly along the edge of the lake with her head hung low. She had sulked over her recent goof-up with Button Mash long enough and it was getting late. There was never a nighttime activity that was worth receiving another parental lecture about breaking curfew. Ponyville was a small country town and had no nightlife to speak of so its streetlamps were few and far between. Had it not been for the gentle sloshing of the lake to her right and the light coming from the windows of the neighboring houses, she would have had to cast an illumination spell in order to see where she was – and sustained illumination was more exhausting than sustained levitation at her current level of magical mastery.

As she approached her house, she caught sight of an unusual structure on the front lawn that had been erected during her absence. It appeared to be a very large wooden doghouse. When she was close enough, she was able to make out its occupant: her father.

“Well, somepony sure took her sweet time getting back home,” said Hondo. “I was about to go looking for you.”

“Sorry,” said Sweetie Belle. “Something came up.” Sweetie Belle examined her father’s new shelter. “Mom made an actual doghouse for you?”

“Yep.”

Sweetie Belle ran her right forehoof along the surface of the doghouse’s roof.

“Wow,” she said. “She even sanded it.”

“Yeah, I guess she figures that I’ll be here for a while,” posed Hondo. “Your grandpa on your mother’s side was a carpenter so I guess she picked up a few tricks from him.”

“Don’t you need to go inside for work clothes on Monday?”

“Honestly, I’d rather buy a new wardrobe at Barnyard Bargains tomorrow morning than risk going back inside.” Hondo gave the side of his new abode a knock with his left forehoof. “I’m just lucky she didn’t give this thing a coat of paint. That alone tells me she’s not completely steamed at me.”

The gentle pitter patter of raindrops striking the roof of the doghouse heralded the arrival of the overdue downpour that was scheduled tonight.

“Skooch over,” said Sweetie Belle as she entered her father’s temporary abode to stay dry.

“Your mother’s not mad at you, hun,” said Hondo as he moved to his left to give Sweetie Belle some room. “You can go inside whenever you want.”

Sweetie Belle turned around carefully and curled up beside her father.

“I know,” she said, resting her jaw atop her crossed forelegs. “But Button put me in the doghouse, too... so it’s only fitting that I should join you in here.”

“What happened?” asked Hondo.

“I played a practical joke on him that he didn’t think was very funny.”

“Oh, pshaw, he’ll get over it. Hydra fans only hold grudges against Ursas.”

“I don’t know. He looked pretty mad. What about Mom? How mad is she at you?”

“On a scale from one to ten, I’d say this is about a seven and a half... but she’ll get over it. You’d think that during all these years of being married to her that I’d have learned by now not to tell a lie – even a harmless one. A wife is supposed to trust her husband.”

Sweetie Belle sighed and looked at the ground.

“And a coltfriend’s supposed to trust his fillyfriend,” she said. She looked up at her father and gave him a halfhearted grin. “Looks like we’re two peas in a pod, you and me.”

Hondo grinned back at his daughter.

“Sweetie Belle,” he said. “There isn’t another filly in the whole world I’d rather share this pea pod with than you. And Button’s a smart kid. He’ll come around and forgive you.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Both Hondo and Sweetie Belle lay together quietly as they listened to the soothing rainfall sing a primitive song to their souls.

“Dad?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah?” replied Hondo.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Sure I do, hun. You know I love you, too, right?”

“Yeah, I do. Love is pretty awesome – but it sure isn’t easy.”

“You got that right.” Hondo playfully rubbed his daughter’s head with his right forehoof. “I was worried that you’d be just as mad at me as your mother was for the way I messed up dinner. Your old stallion’s getting soft between the ears in his old age.”

“That’s okay. I forgive you.”

“Thanks. Speaking of which...” Hondo gently booped his daughter’s nose with his left forehoof. “You took Button out of the house before we had dessert and he didn’t run off because of me. If you remember our agreement, that means you get zilch. Better luck next time, sugar wafer.”

“I don’t care about the money,” sighed Sweetie Belle. “Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m actually kicking myself on the inside right now... but I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Then what would you like to talk about?”

Sweetie Belle grinned.

“The Pumpkin Bowl,” she said. “The one you played in when you were in college.”

Hondo’s eyes widened.

“You want to talk about the Pumpkin Bowl?” he asked.

“Well, sort of,” she replied. “I want to listen to you talk about the Pumpkin Bowl.”

Hondo grinned.

“All, right, who are you?” asked Hondo. “And what have you done with my daughter?”

Sweetie Belle smirked for a moment before changing her expression to one of sincerity.

“No, really,” she said, placing her right forehoof on her father’s right forehoof. “I never thought about it before tonight but... I’ve hardly ever made time for you. I’ve shared lots of things with you that I was proud of and you were always right there waiting to humor me or listen to me. And that’s what a good dad is supposed to do. When you and Button started talking about hoofball, I was mad that you weren’t talking with me or about me. Then I saw how happy you looked and I felt jealous that you were sharing something with him and leaving me out of it. But then I realized that I’ve had lots of opportunities to sit and listen to you about the stuff you’re proud of and yet I never have; not really... and that’s what a good daughter ought to do. I’ve been so busy with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo trying to earn my cutie mark or going out with Button that I neglected you.”

Hondo stroked his daughter’s mane.

“Aw, that’s okay, Sweetie Belle,” said Hondo.

Sweetie Belle shook her head.

“No, it’s not okay,” she said. “You must have been hurting all those times I told you that I didn’t want to hear about your hoofball stories. And I’m really sorry about that. Your accomplishments might have been a long time ago but that doesn’t make them any less important. I know that talking about those games makes you happy. And I like when you’re happy because you’re my dad and I love you.” Sweetie Belle grinned. “So, pretty please, with oats on top – tell me about the time you played in the Pumpkin Bowl. I want to spend some time with my amazing dad and hear about how he ruled the hoofball field in his prime.”

Hondo smiled. He nuzzled his daughter. As he did so, he realized how lucky he was that his child was a filly who he could continue to nuzzle past infancy. A colt had to be tough and strong – and could never be seen receiving a gesture of love from his father without getting teased over it.

“It was game day,” began Hondo. “The weather ponies on duty in the clouds above Hoofington must not have been hoofball fans because the skies were gray and dingy. The rain came down twenty minutes before we hit the field; not in sheets and not a gentle drizzle like this one – it was that irritating kind of rain that was just strong enough to remind you that it was there. The bleachers were packed with fans who were noisy as all get out. The event sold out weeks in advance and word on the street was that scalpers were charging as much as a hundred bits a ticket. For college game tickets, that price was unheard of at the time. The Las Pegasus University Mavericks were the odds-on favorites. Those guys weren’t just good, they were disciplined. A season long undefeated streak carries a pretty heavy intimidation factor with it. Our kicker Gus fainted twice before the game even started. The Maverick head coach was sure that this would be an easy cup to add to his school’s trophy case but little did he know that beating in the chest of a young starting quarterback for the Hoofington U. Timberwolves named Hondo Flanks – was the heart of a warrior who ate pressure for breakfast.”

Sweetie Belle grinned as she became engrossed in the exciting tale of how the Timberwolves defeated the Mavericks. Though it continued to rain outside, Hondo Flanks and Sweetie Belle hardly noticed, for they were too busy making their own sunshine.

Elaina tapped her hoof on the floor repeatedly as she watched another minute of Sunday morning sunlight go to waste. She had been waiting on her couch for her younger son Button Mash to finish his bath so that he could join her for a trip to the market. The earliest shoppers usually got the choicest morsels and the market had opened for business over an hour ago. Her patience had officially run out.

“Button, would you get a move on?” she shouted. “I’d like to buy the groceries some time this year!”

“All right, already,” grumbled Button as he came downstairs. “You don’t have to yell.”

“Yes, I do – because I’m a big, mean, dungeon dwelling cave troll and that’s how we trolls communicate.”

“Aw, c’mon, Mom! I called you that when I was just a little kid.”

“When you were just a...? You said it seven weeks ago!”

“You’re keeping count? Gosh, Mom, you need to learn to stop living in the past.”

Button’s observation reminded Elaina of her late night encounter with Hondo Flanks and the shameful request she made of him.

“You may be right about that,” she conceded, casting her half open eyes at the floor.

“I am?” asked Button, surprised to hear such a thing.

“Maybe. Never mind. We’ve got some shopping to do. Let’s go.”

Elaina opened the door and froze upon finding a startling – if not terrifying – sight on her front steps. Standing in front of her were Hondo’s wife and youngest daughter.

“Elainaaaa, hiiiiii,” said Cookie warmly. “I’m Cookie Crumbles, Sweetie Belle’s mom. It’s so nice to meet youuuuu.”

“H-Hello,” stammered Elaina as she trembled and forced a smile to appear on her face. “It’s n-nice to meet you, too.” She turned her attention to her son’s fillyfriend. “Hi, Sweetie Belle, I’m pleased to meet you at last.”

“Same here, ma’am,” said Sweetie Belle politely. “Good morning, Button.” Button turned his head and frowned, refusing to look at her or return the greeting. Sweetie Belle’s ears drooped at his indifference toward her.

“And it’s nice to see you again, Button,” said Cookie.

“Likewise, Mrs. Crumbles,” said Button in the kind of chipper tone that he deliberately chose not to use to greet Sweetie Belle. “Is Mr. Flanks with you?” Button craned his neck out to peer behind Cookie.

“I’m sorry, Button,” replied Cookie, “but he’s very busy at the moment and couldn’t make the time to come down. He did ask me to say hi to you for him, though.”

Knowing that a hoofball great knew that he existed was exciting to him and he flashed a sincere smile. Cookie returned her attention to Elaina.

“Sweetie Belle and I were just talking about how much we enjoyed having your little stallion over for dinner last night,” said Cookie. “In fact, he was such a polite house guest that she felt she’d come on over and tell him so herself. And since it’s such a nice day out, I thought I’d tag along and introduce myself... and maybe touch base on a few other subjects? Minus our little ones, of course. Unless you don’t mind having them around for our conversation.”

Elaina gulped as a drop of sweat rolled down her forehead. All doubt was removed. Cookie knew what had taken place and had her right where she wanted her. It was a choice between being alone with her or exposing the children to her indecent proposal.

“No, that’s all right,” she said, widening her fake smile further. Elaina addressed her son without taking her eyes off of Cookie. “Button? Why don’t you and Sweetie Belle run off to the arcade together and play some games for a while? I can get the groceries myself today.”

“With Sweetie Belle, huh?” replied Button, hesitant to go anywhere with Sweetie Belle. “I dunno...”

“You can take my change purse,” said Elaina.

Button’s eyes widened.

“The whole thing?” he asked.

“The whole thing,” replied Elaina. “But share some with Sweetie Belle, okay?”

Button smiled. He would have gone to the arcade with King Sombra as long as his mother was hoofing the bill for his gaming. He zipped inside, grabbed the swollen purse and zipped back to the doorway.

“Bye, Mom!” shouted Button, galloping in the direction of the arcade. “Bye, Mrs.Crumbles!”

“Button, wait up!” cried Sweetie Belle as she galloped after him.

Cookie turned her head and waved at the foals as they ran off. Once they were out of sight, she faced forward and looked at Elaina.

“They make such an adorable couple, don’t you think?” asked Cookie, still smiling as if she wasn’t the least bit angry.

“Uh-huh,” agreed Elaina.

“Sorry I caught you on your way out to do some shopping. I didn’t mean to hold you up.”

“It’s okay.” The awkward tension lingered in the air like a stealthy dragon waiting to pounce upon her. Having the conversation that she knew was coming while standing in the doorway was not her first choice. Her neighbors might overhear and Ponyvillians certainly loved to spread gossip and rumors. “Would you... like to come in for a while? I can make some tea.”

“Oh, that would be lovely,” said Cookie, “but I can’t stay for very long.”

Elaina breathed a sigh of relief and silently thanked Celestia that she wouldn’t have to endure this discomfort for much longer. If the lecture wasn’t going to be private, it would at least be brief.

“So,” said Cookie. “I hear that you’re interested in having another baby.”

“Uh... yes.”

“Well, I want to wish you luck with that. I sure wish there was some way I could help you out. Oh, I know.”

Cookie quickly placed her right foreleg behind Elaina’s neck and drew her close. Elaina closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.

“Hondo still produces healthy sperm,” whispered Cookie into Elaina’s ear. “Why don’t you sleep with him so you can have his bastard and pretend it’s your husband’s?”

Elaina winced as her brow wrinkled with guilt and fear. The pretense had been over for a while but it was now officially over.

“Oh, I... couldn’t do that,” said Elaina. “I’m a married mare.”

Cookie let Elaina go and held her right forehoof to her chin in mock confusion.

“Huh,” said Cookie. “Funny how you remember that when it’s my idea and not yours. Does my knowing about it bother you?”

Elaina’s teeth chattered.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Good,” said Cookie. “It should.” Cookie finally dropped her phony smile and let a ferocious sneer take over. “I can’t knock you up, hun... but I can definitely knock you out. And if you so much as think of making that request of yours again, that is exactly what I’m gonna do. I’ve got about twenty pounds on you, marefriend, and I am not afraid to use ‘em.” Cookie peeked behind Elaina and lit up her horn. Elaina saw a photo frame which Cookie had levitated and brought close to her face in order to examine it. The frame contained a photo of her with both of her boys and her husband. “And you won’t even have to explain to your husband how you came to lose your front teeth because I’ll find him and tell him myself.” Elaina reasoned that Cookie had taken the frame to commit her husband’s face and cutie mark to memory for future reference. Cookie shoved the picture frame into Elaina’s mouth. “Do you understand, slut?”

“Yef,” mumbled Elaina through the frame. She didn’t dare remove it.

“Good. Your son’s a good kid. He reminds me of my husband in that he’s easily distracted... but Sweetie Belle swears to me that Button’s heart’s in the right place and I trust her. Button’s welcome back at our house any time. Your presence on my property is much more limited. You can pick Button up to bring back home with you, period. My hospitality ends at my doorstep where you’re concerned. And if you enter my house under any circumstance – with or without my husband present – you’ll leave it by being carried out on a gurney. Do you understand, tramp?”

“Yef.”

“Good.” Cookie removed the frame from Elaina’s mouth and set it back inside the house. “Because I’ve gone through waaaay too much manure in my life to keep having to look over my shoulder at some skinny would-be homewrecker ex-girlfriend of Hondo’s. Both of my daughters are old enough to take care of themselves. If I were to go to jail for blackening your eyes – and I love your eye color, by the way.”

“Thank you.”

“Color contacts?”

“No, they’re mine.”

“You’re so lucky. My Rarity has a pegasus friend with the same color eyes. So pretty. As I was saying, if I went to jail, my daughters would be okay. Tartarus, they might even condone my actions... but I don’t want my Sweetie Belle to know why I felt it necessary to smack the taste out of your mouth... because if she knew, then Button would know... and neither of us would want that dear, sweet boy of yours to find out what his idiotic mother was going to do just so that she could give him a half-sister... would we?”

Elaina shook her head quickly. By asking Hondo to give her a baby, she had jeopardized the stability of her home.

“No,” she said. Elaina cleared her dry throat. “Look, Cookie, I-”

“MRS. CRUMBLES,” growled Cookie, furrowing her brow.

Elaina cowered at the frightening sound of Cookie’s angry voice.

“Sorry,” whimpered Elaina. “Mrs. Crumbles... I want you to know that despite what I did, I really do respect both you and... Mr. Flanks. I just saw a possible solution to my problem and I didn’t think about the harm that it would do to everypony involved. I was only thinking of myself. It was wrong, I apologize, and I promise you that it will never happen again.”

Cookie raised her left foreleg and landed a jab squarely on Elaina’s snout. Elaina emitted a short yelp and sat on the floor. She closed her eyes and held her throbbing nose. The blow was nowhere near as fierce as it could have been – it was about half as strong as getting hit in the face by an opening door – but it still hurt and it was jarring enough to cause a tiny trickle of blood to run down her left nostril. She sniffled back the blood and looked up at Cookie.

“I just had to try that once,” said Cookie. “A promise doesn’t mean much coming from somepony I barely know. And you can show me how sorry you are by staying away from my husband and following the rules I’ve laid out for you.”

The papercolt threw a copy of the Sunday edition of The Ponyville Express at Elaina’s walkway as he raced by on his scooter. Cookie levitated the newspaper, opened it, removed the coupon insert, set the rest of the newspaper down, and tucked the coupons away inside her blouse.

“I’ll take these, thank-you-very-much,” said Cookie.

Elaina’s jaw dropped.

“M-My coupons!” she protested.

“They’re mine now,” said Cookie smugly. “Consider them a peace offering. If or when we become in-laws, we’ll look back on this day and laugh. Until then, well, I guess I’ll be the only one laughing about it.”

Cookie walked away chuckling.

Elaina pouted as her eyes began to water. If she was to have any kind of fulfilling weekend, she would have to do the unthinkable and spend two bits to buy a whole new Sunday paper.

“AHHHHHHHHH-HA-HAAAHHHHHH!!” wept Elaina, tears fountaining outward from both eyes. “DAAAAAAADDYYYYY!”

The Big Secret

Sweetie Belle was a filly with a secret. She had kept it from her parents for a while and she decided that it was time to let them in on it. Howver, several opportunities to tell them had come and gone in days past but today, this afternoon, she had finally worked up the nerve to face her fear and follow through with her plans.

She walked into the kitchen where they sat performing their usual routines. Her mother, Cookie Crumbles, was clipping out coupons from a small stack of newspaper inserts while her father, Hondo Flanks, had his nose in the sports page of the Ponyville Express. Sweetie Belle was convinced that the butterflies in her stomach were simultaneously performing multiple sonic rainbooms. She had no reason to be afraid of her parents' reactions. What could possibly go wrong? It was nothing bad. It was just awkward.

“Mom? Dad?” she asked, correcting the crack in her voice. “Can I invite a friend over for dinner tomorrow?”

“Sure thing, sweetheart,” said Cookie Crumbles. “Is it Apple Bloom or Scootaloo? If it’s Scootaloo, tell her that I’m making her favorite again: roasted asparagus in lemon garlic sauce and wild rice with cashews and mushrooms.”

Hondo Flanks looked up from his paper and licked his lips at the preview of the yummy-sounding meal he had to look forward to eating tomorrow.

“Honey,” said Hondo to his wife, “have I ever told you just how happy I am that you decided to marry me?”

Cookie looked at Hondo and grinned gently at the timing of the question, knowing full well that the sentiment was coming from her husband’s stomach more than from his heart – but that was all right.

“Just make sure you stop at seconds, sweetheart,” she said as she lovingly stroked his cheek with the back of her hoof. “The longer you keep your weight down, the longer I get to keep you around so I can listen to your sweet nothings.” She kissed him on the cheek and placed the coupon she had just clipped into a pocket of her binder.

“There’s always a catch,” said Hondo, pouting as he returned to the solace of his sports column that never placed limitations on how much he could indulge himself.

“Yeah, um... about that,” stammered Sweetie Belle. “It’s not Scootaloo that I’d be inviting... a-and it’s not Apple Bloom, either. It’s... a colt. I’m bringing... my coltfriend.” She blushed and smiled.

Cookie’s ears perked up. She placed her scissors down on the table and smiled proudly at her youngest child.

“A coltfriend?” she asked. “That’s great! My little filly’s grown into a young mare already. Does this young stallion of yours have a name?”

“Button Mash,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“‘Button Mash’. I like it. It’s got a nice ring to it.”

Hondo slowly lowered his paper to the kitchen table. His vacant eyes were open wide and his jaw open and shut as though he was speaking – but no sound came out.

“A co... A c-c-co... A coltfriend?” he sputtered.

“Are you okay, Dad?” asked Sweetie Belle, tilting her head.

“A COLTFRIEND!!” shouted Hondo happily as he swung his forelegs upward. “YEAH! I can finally give my daughter’s coltfriend a hard time! Sweetie Belle, you just made my week!”

The unsettling and creepy smile on her father’s face reminded Sweetie Belle of the time that Twilight Sparkle presented her with a rag doll. Sweetie Belle gave her mother a concerned look.

“Okay, should I be feeling really afraid right now?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Because I am; like, a lot.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Sweetie Belle,” said Cookie. “You have our permission to bring your coltfriend over for dinner and everything’s gonna be just fine.” She raised an eyebrow as she turned to face her husband. “You be nice to the boy when he visits us, Hondo. I don’t want you to scare him off, d’ya hear me?”

“Nuts to that, Cookie!” replied Hondo defensively, “Do you know how long I’ve been dying for a chance to haze a boy who’s dating my daughter? I don’t tell you that you can’t clip all the coupons ya want so why can’t I have my fun?”

“Because what I do is productive. You’d be surprised to know how big of a dent I make in our weekly grocery bills doing this. Besides, you knew I was a coupon clipper before you asked me to marry you so it’s way too late to complain about it.”

“That was before I got promoted. I bring home a better salary now. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate that you wanna save money so that we have a decent nest egg for our retirement but you’ve gone so far overboard that you’re back on dry land. I don’t even think you do it because you want to. To be perfectly blunt-”

“You’re always blunt, dear.”

“How do you think I got to be so perfect at it? To be perfectly blunt, I think you might have a problem.”

“What, you think I’m a coupon addict? Ha! That’s ridiculous. I can quit any time I want.”

“Actually, Mom,” said Sweetie Belle, “I wasn’t going to say anything but I’m with Dad on this one. You do cut and sort a lot more of these than you actually use. I’ve seen your scissors levitating so often that I have dreams about it clipping coupons on its own.”

“Have you had that dream, too?” asked Hondo of his daughter.

“Well, you’re both wrong,” declared Cookie. “I don’t have a problem and that’s all there is to it.”

“Is that a fact now?” asked Hondo. “Care to put your savings where your mouth is?”

“What did you have in mind?”

Cookie stifled a gasp as Hondo levitated her three ring binder with nine-pocket pages, the kind made for collectible trading cards. The pages were filled with coupons, organized alphabetically by product name, then by bit value, then by expiration date. Hondo set the binder down by the edge of the table closest to Sweetie Belle and opened it to the first page.

“Now, Cookie, you do know that these things have a cash value of one-one hundredth of a cent, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then you also know that I won’t be putting us in the poor house if I use a few of these to play a little game with Sweetie Belle.”

“Oh. Sure. G-Go right ahead. What kind of game did you have in mind? Is it like checkers – where the pieces are put back in their box neatly when it’s over? Those are fun. I like those.”

“Not exactly. Have a seat, Sweetie Belle.” The filly trotted closer to the table and climbed onto the chair in front of the binder. “I’m sorry to break the news to you, kiddo, but the mare I married has unwittingly created... The Couponomicon.” Sweetie Belle giggled at her father’s silliness. “She’s unleashed horrific, demonic savings on laundry detergent and dishwashing liquid and they won’t rest until they’ve destroyed life in Equestria as we know it.” Hondo used his magic to slip a coupon half way out of its pocket. “The only way to eliminate these unholy monstrosities is to cut their expiration dates clean off as they rise from their nine-pocket graves. If you’re not fast, they’ll slide back down again.” Hondo demonstrated this by quickly sliding the coupon back in.

“Ooh!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “This is kind of like Thrash-A-Mole at the arcade!”

“Right! They don’t pop up for very long so you’ve gotta be fast. Are you up to the challenge?”

“You bet!” said Sweetie Belle as she levitated her mother’s emergency pair of safety scissors from her seat pouch. “Mom, are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“She's fine, sweetheart,” said Hondo. “Are you ready, baby?”

"Ready, Dad."

Cookie ground her teeth as she watched Sweetie Belle part the scissor blades. Sweat began to pour down her face as visions of cashiers refusing to take her taped up coupons danced in her head. Her heart began to beat faster and her breathing became ragged.

“Uhh... you’re not really gonna cut up my coupons, are you, hun?” asked Cookie, swallowing to moisten her dry throat.

“These aren’t coupons, mom,” said Sweetie Belle. “These are the undead... and I’m going to send them back to Tartarsauce.” Sweetie Belle wasn’t allowed to swear but she was permitted to use similar sounding alternatives to the actual swear words. Hondo began the game and Sweetie Belle giggled as she attempted to cut the coupons as they popped up and down.

Unwilling to allow harm to come to her innocent coupons, Cookie did a belly slide across the table, snatched the binder in her mouth and, as she slid off the table, performed a somersault worthy of an Equestria games gymnast. She clutched the binder to her chest, sat on the floor and spun around to hiss at her sadistic family members.

“Fine, you’ve proven your lousy point!” she shouted as she reared her head back and cried fountains of tears that shot outward from both of her eyes. “I have a problem! Are you happy now? Go ahead and pick on your daughter’s coltfriend all you want... but when he breaks up with her because of how gosh darned loopy you can be and she won’t talk to you anymore, don’t come whining to me!” Her paper babies were safe but the mistreatment they endured had left them in need of comfort. She rocked back and forth as she continuously smoothed her right forehoof in a circular motion along her binder’s cover.

“Geez Louise, Cookie,” said Hondo. “You make it sound like I’m gonna make the boy cry or something.” He turned to face Sweetie Belle. “Uh, sweetheart? Button isn’t prone to crying easily, is he?”

Sweetie Belle froze, remembering the time that, while out on a date, Button wept and called out for his mother because the ice cream shop was out of his favorite topping.

“Now that you mention it...” she said. “Oh, why would you want to give Button a hard time, anyway?” asked Sweetie Belle. “He hasn’t done anything to you.”

“I know that, honey,” said Hondo, “but I’m not the one to blame.” Hondo looked at Cookie who was still sitting on the floor. “Uh, dear? You can get up now. I won’t tease you anymore, I promise.”

“I would,” said Cookie, “but I think I pulled something. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“If you’re not to blame, then who is?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Why, your sister, of course,” stated Hondo.

“What does Rarity have to do with this?”

“In all the years that your sister lived at home, she never once brought a colt through our front doors.” Hondo propped his elbow on the table and supported his jaw atop his hoof. He opened one eye as he spoke his next words. “She did bring home plen-ty of mares, though.”

“Hondo Flanks,” said Cookie, “how dare you insinuate such a thing about our Rarity in front of her little sis? She’s just particular, that’s all. She likes those rich, classy, sophisticated stallions that live in Canterlot.”

“Snooty sissies, the whole lot of ‘em,” said Hondo with a disgusted snort as he levitated a generous quantity of cocktail peanuts from a bowl by the stove, shoved them into his mouth and started chewing. “She should settle down with a regular joe.” Particles of peanuts flew out of his mouth as he spoke. “You did... and you couldn’t be happier, right?”

Cookie blinked in response.

“Oh, yeah,” she said. “In fact, it’s days like these that I have to poke myself with my scissors to make sure that I haven’t died and gone to heaven.” She levitated her scissors to her flank and gave herself a light jab. “Nope, still alive.”

“In any case,” continued Hondo, “if Rarity had brought even one measly coltfriend home for dinner, I would’ve gotten this out of my system long ago and you would’ve been spared. As it turned out, she never did – and now Button has to pay the price for your sister’s pickiness. If I were you, I’d go to her house right now and air your grievances with her. Just make sure you knock before you enter, though; she might be busy 'entertaining' some mare guest when you stop by.”

Cookie levitated a cocktail peanut from the bowl and beaned her husband right between the eyes with it.

“What your father’s trying to say,” said Cookie, “is that he wants to do some long overdue male bonding with your coltfriend and that giving Button grief is a rite of passage for your father to come to terms with accepting another male into his herd, something which he wouldn’t stand for at all if he didn’t love you and trust your judgment.”

“Is that right, Dad?” asked Sweetie Belle

“It sounds so estrogen-y the way your mother puts it,” said Hondo, rubbing his forehead with his hoof. “But yeah, I guess that sums it up.”

“Awwww, that’s sweet... in a really strange way... but I still don’t want you to do anything embarrassing in front of him.”

“We’ll see, baby girl, we’ll see.”

“So tell us more about Button,” said Cookie. “Has he got his cutie mark yet?”

“No,” replied Sweetie Belle. “That’s how we got to talking. We had that in common. He’s still a little shy around me but I like that about him.”

“What tribe is he?”

“Earth pony.”

“Nice,” said Hondo. “Some of the all-time great hoofball players have been earth ponies. Does he play sports?”

“He might,” said Sweetie Belle. “I never asked.”

“Do I know his mother?” asked Cookie.

“I don’t know. I haven’t met her yet.”

“Has Button kissed you already?” asked Hondo.

“Daaaaaaad?”

“Whaaaaat? It’d go a long way toward making him squirm if I had that to work with.”

“You know what? Forget it. Forget the whole thing! I’m not bringing him anywhere near this house!”

“Aw, c’mon, Sweetie Belle! There’s no need to be upset.”

“Yes, there is! I never ask for anything around here and the one time I ask for a little respect – which costs absolutely nothing – you won’t give it to me. I love you guys and I really like Button and I want you all to get along… and...” Tears began to run down Sweetie Belle’s face and she ran into the living room and then upstairs from which the sound of a door opening and then slamming shut came. Sweetie Belle had presumably went to her room to sulk.

Cookie leered at her husband.

“Hon-doooo?” she said sternly. “I want to meet this colt. You go and apologize to Sweetie Belle right this instant and get her to bring him over for dinner or else.”

“Or else? What are you, seven? Or else what?”

“Or else I’ll show you that coupons aren’t the only thing I can cut.”

Hondo covered his snout with his forehooves.

“But I thought you liked my moustache,” he said.

“I do,” said Cookie.

“Oh. OH!!”

Hondo quickly walked out of the kitchen – backwards – and went upstairs to Sweetie Belle’s room. He gently knocked on the door.

“Sweetie Belle, it’s Dad. Can I come in?”

“It’s unlocked,” muttered Sweetie Belle. Hondo let himself in and took a seat on the floor by his daughter's bed.

“Okay, look, pumpkin, your mother’s not too thrilled with me right now… and I need to get out of the doghouse pronto. So… what if I paid you to bring Button over for dinner?”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

"That's just sick."

"I know."

“How much would you pay me?”

“What would you say to… a week’s allowance?”

“If that’s your best offer, I think I’ll pass.”

“Two week’s allowance?”

“Get-ting warm-er...”

“Three week’s allowance?”

“Congratulations, Mr. Flanks, you’ve just bought yourself a dinner with Button... but if you scare him off, I get another three.”

“Six week’s allowance?! I could buy a colt on the black market for less than that!”

“I’ve got to have some kind of insurance that you won’t embarrass me out of a coltfriend. But if that’s too much to ask...”

“Okay, okay, three week’s allowance and three more if I scare him off... but if he goes home before we’ve had dessert and I’m not the one who scared him off, you get zilch. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Both father and daughter spat on their own hooves and bumped them together to make the agreement playground solid.

“NO SPITBUMPS IN THE HOUSE!” shouted Cookie from downstairs.

“Sor-reeee,” said Sweetie Belle and Hondo as they cowered.

“How did she even hear that?” whispered Sweetie Belle.

“I’m a mother,” said Cookie. “I’ve got eyes on the back of my head and ears on the back of my children’s heads.”

Sweetie Belle, being highly superstitious, reached behind her mane and tapped the back of her head to check if her mother was speaking literally or figuratively. Knowing her daughter as well as she did, Cookie thought she’d have a little fun at Sweetie Belle’s expense.

“Ow!” yelped Cookie. “Careful, Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle screamed in terror and then fainted.

“Hypocrite much, Cookie?” shouted Hondo.

“Hey, I never said we couldn’t mess with our own foal,” shouted Cookie.

The Big Joke

The front door to the home of the legendary Hondo Flanks opened with great haste. With her horn aglow with magical energy and a frown etched across her face, Sweetie Belle stepped outside and trotted in the direction of Button’s house. Behind her was Button, the colt of the hour who was being levitated by her against his will. Button struggled in vain to be returned to the custody of gravity in order to return to the hoofball legend from whom his girlfriend was now forcibly separating him.

Cookie Crumbles passed through the front door and took a few steps outside to see her daughter off on her trip. Her horn was also glowing as she was currently levitating her husband to prevent him from running after his daughter and potential son-in-law.

“Say good night to Button, Hondo,” said Cookie calmly.

“Cookie, come on!” cried Hondo. “They’re getting away! Put me down!”

“Oh, I’ll put you down, all right; I’ll put you down for the count if you so much as think of lighting up your horn to break my levitation spell.”

“Let me go, Sweetie Belle!!” begged Button as tears streamed down his face. “AAAAAA-HAH-HAHHHHHH!”

“I'm not letting you go until we’re at your front door,” said Sweetie Belle.

Button whimpered nervously as the distance between Hondo and himself was growing by the second. Before long, he’d be out of hearing range and then out of sight, possibly for good. Button placed his forehooves beside the corners of his mouth to increase the volume of his forthcoming message.

“I’ll come back for you some day, Hondo!” yelled Button.

“It’s too late for me, Button!” shouted Hondo. “It was wrong of me to try to corral you into marriage! I see that now! Do something else for me instead! Be young! Run wild and free and play hoofball for as long as you can before you tie the knot!”

“I will!” yelled Button. “I promise! I’ll never forget youuuu!”

“I won’t forget you, either! We’ll always have that touchdown pass! G’bye, Button... my almost son-in-law.” Hondo turned his head to conceal his liquid pride.

“Good bye...” whimpered Button. “...my almost father-in-law... AAAAAAA-HAH-HAAAAHHHHHHH!! MOMMMMM!!”

The next door neighbor, dressed in a bathrobe, opened the front door to his house and stepped outside to see what all the commotion was about. Cookie saw the stallion neighbor and frowned – for he was the bane of her existence.

“Do you folks mind keeping it down?” he asked. “Some of us have to get up early tomorrow morning to buy tubs of jelly.” He ran his right forehoof along his face and then down his neck and chest, lost in the throes of ecstasy. “Sweet, sweet tubs of jelly. Mmmmmm...”

“Peanut butter!” shouted Cookie, barking the word like a dog protesting the unwanted appearance of at a stray cat.

“AH!” squealed the neighbor in a high pitched voice as he quickly stood on his hind legs and held his forehooves over his ears as though the words caused him great fear and pain.

“Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter!” repeated Cookie, hopping up and down.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!”

The neighbor ran back in his house and shut the door behind him, most likely to indulge in the perversion that made him the most unwelcome of Ponyville’s lakeside residents.

Cookie looked at her husband.

“It’s lakeside property, you said,” spat Cookie as she recalled how her husband bought the house with great haste when he saw how cheap it was. “Who cares why the previous occupant moved out, you said.”

Hondo wasn’t listening to his wife. He was busy staring forlornly at the horizon that swallowed up his daughter and her young love interest. Cookie set her husband on the ground and canceled her levitation spell. Her looked at her with glistening eyes.

“Cookie,” said Hondo with a smile. “Love of my life? Owner of my heart?”

Cookie knew what he was going to ask.

“Sorry, hun,” said Cookie, “I know how much you’d like us to try again but I tell ya, my best foalmaking days are behind me. But if you reeeeeeeeeally want a son...”

Hondo’s face lit up.

“I do, I do!” he cried.

“Then just wait a few hours,” said Cookie.

“A few hours?”

“Yeah. Celestia should have it up in the sky by around five AM or so.”

Hondo didn’t find his wife’s pun to be very funny.

“Have I ever toldja how much I enjoy your razor sharp wit, Cookie?” he asked.

“Not in all the years I’ve known ya,” replied Cookie.

“Juuuuust checkin’.”

“You can come back in when you’ve thought about what you’ve done and figured out what you’re gonna say to Sweetie Belle when she gets back.”

Cookie turned around and walked back inside the house, shutting, but not locking, the door behind her.

Hondo tapped his forehooves together wistfully. He knew that he would have to apologize to his daughter but that wasn’t his top priority right now. He looked up at the sky. The stars were shining as brightly as the moon, the latter of which caught his eye.

“Princess Luna,” he said to the moon, “it’s me, Hondo Flanks, the father of Rarity, one of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s friends that saved Equestria a couple of times? Hi. How’s it going? So, listen, I don’t really believe in the power of prayer – not since the Hydras lost the division championship to those dirty rotten Ursas because of that missed field goal attempt – but I’ve got nothing to lose by trying. I have a wish. I’m a happy stallion but I think that I’d be a lot happier if I had a son. As in a male offspring, not the sun-in-the-sky sun. And I know it’s kinda messed up of me but I’d rather not adopt. I’d really like him to be my biological son. I’m not sure how you can help make my wish come true since my wife Cookie says she’s not up to it... but I’d appreciate any help you could give me. Only please don’t make him out of wood or make his horn grow when he tells lies. Celestia knows a colt’s got to be able to get away with rattling off one or two whoppers to get by. Oh, uh, should I not have used your sister’s name in a prayer to you? I’m not up on how this whole thing works. Sorry if I offended you... or her.”

A patch of clouds rolled in quickly and covered the moon. Hondo lay on the grass and sighed.

“Guess she’s not taking requests tonight,” he mumbled.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Button, floating in the air alongside his angry girlfriend. “We’re more than halfway to my house. You can put me down now.”

“Do you promise not to run back to my house if I do?” she asked.

“Yeah, I promise.”

Never knowing him to be a liar, Sweetie Belle placed him back on the ground and dimmed her horn. True to his word, Button walked alongside Sweetie Belle in the direction of his house.

“I like a sensitive colt as much as the next filly,” said Sweetie Belle, “but you really do cry a hoof of a lot.”

Button didn’t acknowledge her observation.

“Don’t you love me anymore, Sweetie Belle?” he asked.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes.

“I should be asking you the same question,” she said.

“Why?” asked Button. “What did I do?

“What did you do? You ignored me all through dinner, you basically had a date with my dad, you made my mom question my judgment of character and – hold on to your beanie – you proposed to me at least twelve years too soon just so that you could inherit my dad’s stupid hoofball memorabilia!”

“Hoofball isn’t stupid!”

“Well, it is to me.”

Button frowned.

“Gee, I sure feel sorry for your dad,” he said.

“And why is that?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Because he has two kids that he loves and neither of them care that he loves a game that he was really good at once.”

“He’s too old and hurt to play hoofball anymore. It doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t matter? It was special to him! And he’s special to me! And to a lot of fans just like me! Not everypony can do the things he did on the field. And just because he can’t do what he used to do anymore doesn’t mean that his accomplishments don’t matter now! When was the last time you listened to him tell you about a game? My mom and dad never listen to me when I want to tell them about hoofball. They just shut me up – and it hurts. It hurts when you want to share something you love with somepony you love and they tell you that they don’t care. Your dad doesn’t have a kid who wants to hear about what he loves. Can you blame him for wanting to spend some time with somepony who does?”

Sweetie Belle suddenly felt very guilty. She didn’t like feeling this way, especially since she was still full of righteous anger over how disastrous her dinner with Button was. She mentally shelved that topic and shook her head back and forth rapidly.

“Wh-Whatever,” she said. “That doesn’t change the fact that you made a terrible first impression tonight. You are in the doghouse until further notice, mister – that means no holding hooves, no nuzzling, and absolutely no kissing until I say so!”

Button hung his head.

“Does this mean that you don’t want to marry me?”

Sweetie Belle puffed her cheeks up.

“No. It doesn’t. I’ll marry you when we’re older.”

“You will? YAAAAY!”

Sweetie Belle smirked.

“But only if we have a Canterlot Castle wedding package.”

“A Canterlot Castle wedding package? The one that’s held in Canterlot Castle’s throne room? The one that Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance had? The one that costs four and a half million bits?”

“That’s the one.”

“It’ll take me forever to scrape together that kind of money!”

“Then you’d better start saving your allowance now... because when we turn twenty-one and I don’t have that package, the wedding’s off.”

Sweetie Belle giggled internally. Rarity had told her that Princess Celestia was willing to accommodate Twilight Sparkle, her friends and their family members with complimentary Canterlot Castle wedding packages should any of them ever decide to marry. But Button didn’t know this. Sweetie Belle wasn’t fond of the way her night had gone but she did like how it gave a license to punish her coltfriend. She had seen her mother give her father a hard time when he messed up and being able to do this with her own significant other felt empowering to her.

“Okay,” said Button. “Here’s the plan.”

“Hm? What plan?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I can sell off my hoofball cards and video games. I’ll study real hard in school so I can get a super high paying job when I grow up. I’m pretty good at hoofball. Pro hoofball players sign million bit contracts all the time. I could even land an endorsement deal. And banks lend money to ponies all the time so maybe I can get a loan from one of them. Yeah, it’s not impossible. I can do this! I’m Hydra tough!”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes grew wide.

“Are you serious?”

“You bet I am.”

“You’d go through all of that for me?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and you’re worth it. But you better not change your mind, though!”

Sweetie Belle’s heart fluttered. She was only going to tease him about the Canterlot Castle prerequisite for a while and then let him know that their wedding wasn’t going to be a financial burden for either of them, that the whole thing was just a little prank she was playing on him.

But Button was now determined to dedicate several years of his life toward forging a career, breaking his back to earn an enormous amount of money, and possibly get himself into some serious debt – all because her hoof in marriage was worth four and a half million bits to him.

Tears began to well up in Sweetie Belle’s eyes at the romantic gesture.

“I’d never change my mind about you, Button,” she said.

“Sweetie Belle?” said a voice that Sweetie Belle recognized as her sister’s. She turned to her left and saw Rarity standing there.

“EEP!” squeaked Sweetie Belle.

“Isn’t it rather late for you to be out?” asked Rarity. “Oh! Aren’t you going to introduce me to your adorable little gentlecolt friend?”

“Hi, Miss Rarity, ma’am! Pleased to meet you! I’m Button Mash, Sweetie Belle’s fiance!”

“Fiance?” asked Rarity, not taking the colt too seriously. “Well, it’s an honor to meet you, my future brother-in-law. Oh, isn’t this just the sweetest thing? I do hope that I’m invited to the wedding.”

“You bet! And it’s gonna be swell because I’m gonna make a lot of money and buy Sweetie Belle a Canterlot Castle wedding package for us.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet... but that won’t be necessary.”

Button raised an eyebrow.

“It won’t?” he asked.

Sweetie Belle shook her head repeatedly and crossed her forelegs back and forth frantically to signal to her big sister not to say another word. She did everything but light a flare to catch Rarity's attention.

“No, it won’t," said Rarity. "Princess Celestia will cover the bill for that package for Sweetie Belle and any of my family members who get married. Sweetie Belle, I told you about that just last month. Did you forget already?”

Button Mash turned his head to look at Sweetie Belle. He was not amused.

Sweetie Belle smiled nervously as rivers of sweat poured down her forehead.

“Well, this has been lovely but I can’t stay and chat," said Rarity. “I was just going to drop off a dress that I made for mother. It was a pleasure meeting you, Button Mash. Ta-ta, lovebirds.” Rarity left her sister and trotted off toward her parents' house.

The silence that Button was exhibiting was making Sweetie Belle shake like a leaf.

"Nice weather we're having, isn't it?" asked Sweetie Belle. "I hear we're supposed to have rain later tonight but it doesn't look like it."

Button said nothing.

“It was just a little joke I was playing," she said. "I was going to tell you but then Rarity came along and spoiled it first. You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Button remained silent. Without so much as a farewell, he turned around and left Sweetie Belle behind.

"Would it help if I said that you were out of the doghouse now?" she asked in a louder voice in order to be heard over the ever increasing distance between them. In moments, Button was out of sight.

Sweetie Belle hung her head as she sat on the ground. She had hurt somepony she cared about.

She remembered what Button had said about her father and felt worse knowing that this wasn't the first time she may have hurt somepony she loved.