If you give Derpy a muffin

by TheOneAJ

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2990

What would happen if you gave Derpy a muffin?

This story is 'loosely' based on the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. You have been warned.

Published 2014-06-09 22:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-09 22:50:02 UTC

If you give Derpy a muffin

Rainbow Dash walked out of Sugarcube Corner with a muffin in hoof. She then stopped and looked around in confusion.

“Um, hello?” she said. “Is somepony there?” she asked again as she scaned the crowd. “And why are you saying what I do?”

She… Wait, you can hear me?

“Um, yeah,” she said as she tilted her head up. “Who are you, and why are you narrating what I do?”

… Look, I don’t know how this is happening, but I’m just an author trying to write a fan fiction. This is ‘If you give Derpy a muffin.’ A crossover with a famous children’s book of mine, and you’re the main character in it.

Rainbow Dash looked at her freshly backed muffin and back up at the sky. “Oh no,” she said as she held it between her wings, “why should I give away the muffin I paid for?”

Because, the sooner you do, the sooner this story ends and I can get out of your head.

She grumbled. “Alright, alright. I’ll do my good dead for the day. So, where is Ditzy Do?”

Actually, this story is going to call her Derpy, and she’s standing right behind you.

Rainbow turned around to see Derpy smiling at her.

“Morning, Rainbow Dash. Beautiful day isn’t it.” She looked at the muffin. “My what a lovely looking muffin you got there.”

“Do you… do you want it, Derpy?”

Derpy’s eyes widened. “Oh, Rainbow, I couldn’t—"

“Just take it!” Rainbow Dash said as she shoved it into her hooves. “Good, now I can—"

If you give Derpy a muffin, she’ll want a glass of milk to wash it down.

“What?” Rainbow Dash shouted up to the sky. “You said all I had to do was give her a muffin!”

Look, it’s how the story goes; you give someone something and then it’s supposed to teach the audience a lesson about being greed or the dangers of generosity depending how you interpret it. Besides, we’ve established that I can’t leave until this story is complete, so you might as well go along with it.

Depry holds up a hoof. “Well, actually, Rainbow—"

“Okay, fine,” she turned to Derpy, “would you like some milk to go with that muffin?”

“Oh, Rainbow,” she said as she huged the cyan pegasus.

“Really, cyan? You can’t just say my name?”

Hey, this is a My Little Pony Fan Fiction, you have to abuse the lavender unicorn syndrome at least once.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” The wall-eye mare asked.

“That’s twice you know, and no Derpy, I’m not okay. Let’s just go get that milk, okay?”

Derpy beamed. “Okay.”

*****

The pair flew up to Rainbow's home.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “I should have known you weren’t gone.”

Derpy tilted her head. “I’ve been flying with you the whole time.”

I just skipped ahead to the next important scene to save some time. Shall we go on?

Rainbow Dash grumbled as she opened the door for Derpy. She went into the kitchen and poured Derpy a glass of milk.

“Oh thank so much again, Rainbow Dash,” she said once she drinks the milk, “you are too kind.”

“Tell me about it.”

If you give a Depry a glass of milk, she’ll want a napkin to wipe her face off.

Rainbow shrugged. “I guess that’s not so bad.” She reached over and handed Derpy a napkin.

If you give her a napkin, she’ll want a mirror to make sure she’s wiped the milk off her face.

“Sure thing,” she muttered as she grabbed a conveniently placed mirror on her kitchen table. “Although I don’t remember why I would have a hand mirror conveniently placed in my kitchen.”

Would you rather I make you fly all the way to your bathroom?

“No, please go on.”

“Go on with what?” Derpy asked as she looked into the mirror.

“It’s nothing. Is there anything else you want?” She clasps her hooves over her mouth.

“Well…”

When she looks into the mirror, she will notice that she may need a trim.

“You wouldn’t mind if I barrow a pair of scissors? I think my mane could use a quick trim.”

Rainbow took in a deep breath, then exhaled. “Sure thing, friend.” She retrieved a pair of scissors and handed them to Derpy.

When she finishes fixing her hair, she’ll probably want to clean up for you.

“Oh, do you have a broom? I wouldn’t mind cleaning up after all you have done.”

“Oh thank Celestia, sure thing,” Rainbow Said said with a smile as she flew off. She returned a moment later with a broom.

“Thank you,” Derpy said with the broom in her mouth as she swept.

“Say, why are you speaking in past tense anyways? Wouldn’t it work better to use present at this point?”

Actually, I’m not really sure myself. I just know from experience to stick with past tense 90% of the time in fiction. Rules are rules I guess, I’ll wait to see how well received this story gets.

Rainbow smacked her forehead. “I’m argueing with avoice inside my head about writing. Yeah, why not, least things can’t get any worse.”

Did you really just say that, Rainbow?

Her eyes widened and she clapped her hooves together. “Oh come on, Mr. Narrator, we’re friends right?”

Sorry, I have to obey the rules of writing here.

“Oh no.”

Oh yes; if Derpy starts sweeping, she may get carried away.

“You know, Rainbow, since I’m here, I may as well get the rest of your place.”

“No, Derpy, that’s not really needed.”

“Oh I insist, Rainbow, it’s the least I can— Oops!” She said as she bumped into some of the furniture.

“Hey watch it!”

“It’s okay, let me just… Oops, sorry!”

“No!”

She may even end up washing the floors as well.

“Oh I can fix that, and I should probably wash these floors for you.”

Rainbow looked up to the sky. “Does she have too?”

“Who are you talking too?

Tell you what, because I’m such a good narrator, I’ll just let you two be until she has cleaned up your home, okay?

“Okay, sure thing.”

“No problem,” Derpy said as she saluted and got back to work.

“I can at least make sure she doesn’t destroy my house, right?”

Yeah, sure thing.

“Thank you.”

*****

Derpy yawned once the house is cleaned three hours later.

Rainbow narrowed her eyes as she cursed under her breath.

“Boy, am I tired.”

When she’s done, she’ll probably want to take a nap.

“So I have to let her sleep in my bed now?”

Yes.

Rainbow remained silent for a moment. “Fine. Hey, Derpy, do you want to take a nap in my bed?”

“Oh, Rainbow,” Derpy yawned, “you are just being too kind to me.”

"Tell me about it.” She said as she led Derpy to her bed.

Once she gets comfortable, she’ll want you to read you a story.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash, would you read me a story?”

Rainbow's wings straightened at the request. “Of course, Derpy,” she said through her teeth.

Once you read her a story, she’ll…

“NO!” Rainbow screamed as she slams the book to the floor. “No more favors, no more request, no more voices telling what to do. I’m getting help!” She then flew out the window, leaving a stunted Depry behind.

“Rainbow Dash, wait!” Derpy said as she chased after her.

*****

Wait, Rainbow, you can’t go interacting with another characters! You and Derpy are the only ponies tagged in the story description.

“I don’t care, I’m getting Twilight.”

Fine, fine, go ahead. the fans of if you give a mouse a cookie are going to be asking for my head in the comments anyway, might as well go with whatever happens at this point. Maybe now I can make this story long enough to submit it to Equestria Daily, maybe it will actually get featured for once.

Rainbow shook her head. “Great, this story is being told by one of those authors.”

Quiet! Right now, new stories direction; Rainbow flew throughout the town until she landed in front of the Golden Oaks Library.

“Hey, I though this place was destroyed?”

It’s important to the plot, so just act like it’s either been repaired or that this story is taking place before Tirek, okay?

“Whatever, Twilight!” she yells as she storms into the library

“Just a second, Rainbow.” A moment later, the lavender alicorn…

Rainbow faceplanted. “Really? Look, buster, could you at least make sure this is a well written story?”

“Is she alright?” the bland, one dimensional, wafiu stealing, Mr. nice pony, Flash Sentry said.

Rainbow chuckled .“Alright, I’ll give you points for that one.”

“Um, can I help you, Rainbow?” Twilight asked. “Flash and I were in the middle of something.”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “This isn’t going to become a clop story, is it?”

Nah, story has an ‘everyone’ tag, it’s clean. Twilight is just trying to get him into reading.

She shrugged. “Good enough for me. Now then,” she addressed both Twilight and Flash, “there is some voice in my head narrating my life and telling me what to do.” She drops on her knees in front of Twilight. “Twilight, you got to help me. Do you have any kind of spell to fix this?”

You’re wasting your time, Rainbow, even if she believes you and has a spell, there will be some catch to it that will make things easier for you to finish the story rather than get cured.

“Oh, well… Why don’t you wait here and I’ll get back to you. It may be a while, so why don’t you read a book?”

Called it.

“No you didn’t.”

“Um, I didn’t even start anything.”

“Not you, Twilight, the voice in my head is making fun of me.”

I am not, I am merely stating the facts of how a story works.

“You sure you okay?” the boring Flash asked.

Depends on what you mean.

“Oh shut up.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Not you, Flash.”

“So are you talking to me then?”

Maybe she is’d.

“Okay, now you’re just making up words.”

“Who is?”

“He, or she, or it is.”

"It what?"

"Him what!" Rainbow Dash said as she pointed to the sky.

"Who?" Owlicious said.

So who’s on first?

“Gah!”

Look, Rainbow, you’re just making both of our jobs difficult. I promise, you’re almost done with the story.

She looked up to the sky with wide eyes. “It is?”

Yes, just a few more things and we can call it a day.

She cocks her head. “Cocks, odd choice of… Never mind. I don’t have to do anything expensive for her like give her my house, right?”

If it makes you feel any better, I’ll Pinkie Promise that the rest of this story won’t cost you any more than 30 bits.

“Alright, but do it.”

“Um,” Twilight scratched her neck, “sure thing, Dash, just let me get some equipment.”

“Not you, Twilight, the voice. He promised that this story won’t make me go bankrupt.”

Flash looks around the room nervously. “Is this some sort of trick to get me into reading?”

Alright, Rainbow, cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye, I won’t make you spend any more than 30 bits in this story. There, now I can’t break this promise or else…

“Forever!” Pinkie Pie head appears in the window.

“Pinkie?”

“Oh hi, Twilight, hey Flash, hey Dash,” she said. “Hey, did you hear something?” She looked around the room. “There it is again, who’s saying that?”

“Wait, you can hear him too?”

“You sure it’s a he?”

Wait, what would make you say I’m... Wait a minute, Pinkie, how can you be hearing me and why am I even that surprised? But you shouldn’t even be in this story. Then again— Ah, what the heck, this story is going to need a random tag anyways.

“Hehe, voice in the head sounds funny.”

Hey, Rainbow, I think now is the time to get out here and get back to the original story before things get complicated even for a random story.

“You’re telling me.”

“Ah,” Pinkie moaned, “but I like complicated.”

“I don’t,” the weak and cowardly Flash said as he backed into the corner.

“Wait a minute. Mr. Voice,” Pinkie said, “I do say. I though you liked Flash Sentry. Didn’t you write a story where Rainbow and Flash fall in love?”

“What?” All three ponies in the room and myself said.

Wait, this story doesn’t even take place in that same setting… Rainbow, grab a book, it’s the whole reason why you went to the library instead of Twilight’s castle in the first. Pick any book, and go, go, GO!

“Ah!” She screamed, grabbed a book and flew out the window. For some reason, I didn’t follow her.

“I’m sure you’ll catch up in a minute when this scene is over.” Pinkie assured me.

“Um, Twilight,” Flash said, “I think I’m just going to head back to the crystal empire for this weekend.”

Good idea, buddy.

His pupils shrank. “Oh no.”

Oh, you can hear me too now?

He nervously looked around and began to sweat.

I won’t question how, but I am going to have fun with this development. Wait, I better focus on finishing the story from the beginning before starting another one. I'll see you around for the sequel.

Flash wimpier as Twilight looked at him quizzically. “Um, honey?”

Let’s see here, just got to do something here and there and…

*****

Rainbow, Rainbow? Oh wait, that's just a rock.

Let's see, Rainbow?... Ah, there you are, Rainbow, right in front of Sugarcube Corner.

She slammed her forehead onto the table. “Don’t you mean into? And I was hoping I’d lost you.”

Tough luck, baby, we got a story to finish. Now then; Derpy flew down from out of the sky.

“Rainbow Dash,” Derpy said as she landed next to her.

Rainbow cocked an eye to the sky. “No gray pegasus or cross-eyed mare?”

Derpy tilted her head. “Rainbow, what is going on?”

Ee'nope, I’m done with the lavender unicorn. Now why don’t you take a moment to explain what is going on to Derpy? I’ll allow it.

She shrugged. “What do I got to lose?” She looked to Derpy. “You may want to sit down for this one, Derp.”

One explanation later

“So an invisible voice in your head is telling you to give me whatever I want because apparently we’re in a cross-over story based on a famous children’s book from his world, and the only way to get him out of your head is to give me what I want and finish the story?”

“Yeah, and to be fair, I’d think I would be crazy too.”

Derpy blinked her adorable eyes as Rainbow cocked an eye towards the sky. “Didn’t you already use the word cock? And don’t tell me you think she’s cute, buddy.”

“Oh,” Derpy blushed, “would you tell him that’s I’m flattered, but I’m already taken.”

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. “So you believe me?”

Derpy shrugged. “We live in Ponyville, and I’m dating a time traveling pony. An invisible voice telling you to give me a muffin isn’t out in left field. Although the strange is, I didn't even want a muffin this morning.”

Rainbow's eyes twitched. “You, you did… didn't… WHAT?”

“Yeah, I was actually more in the mood for a brownie instead.”

Oh, can’t say I saw this coming. Um, Rainbow? Oh—

Rainbow Dash's head steamed and fumed, then she jumped into the air as her mane burst into flames.

After a moment, her mane put itself out as she lands on the ground on her stomach. “Oh, just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, no more questions asked.”

“Um, Rainbow, Mr. Narrator,” Derpy said as she walks over to Rainbow Dash, “do you know what I want right now more than anything? I want Rainbow Dash to be happy. I don’t want any muffins, or milk, or a place to sleep, I just want rainbow Dash to be happy. So please, can you do that.”

…
…….
..............

Wow, this is why you’re my favorite pony Derpy. It’s not really in my job description, but you know what, I think I can make this work. What do you say, Rainbow Dash, we finish this story?

She looks up to the sky as she wipes a tear away. “You mean it?”

Yeah, I think I’ve put you through enough. So how about we finish this story. Forget what anyone thinks of the story, I think we left that behind a long time ago. Besides, what matters the most to me, is you.

Her eyes water up, as she hugs the nearest warm body, Derpy. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Um, my pleasure,” Derpy said as she returned the hug. “So, what does Mr. Narrator say I want now?”

Right then, let’s see, where I leave off again… Oh yes, if you give Derpy a place to sleep, she’ll want to do something nice for you.

“He wants you to do something nice for me.”

“Um, okay,” she looks around and looks at the Daring Do book Dash picked up at the library. “Would you like me to read you a story?”

“A story?” Rainbow says as she looks down at the book. “You know what, Derpy, that sounds like a plan.”

The End

“Wait, wait!” Rainbow waves into the air, “that’s it?”

Oh, you want more?

Rainbow circles her eyes around. “No no, this ending is fine.

Too late, I have to end this story on a cliff-hanger now.

“A cliffhanger?”

“Oh,” Derpy moaned, “what is he going to do?”

If you let Derpy read you a story, she’ll want to become your marefriend.

“What? That—"