"What do you think's in it?" Asked the curious purple Alicorn.
"There's no way of knowing for sure what's in it unless we open it." Celestia said examining the small box.
"There's six keyholes. Do you know where we can find the keys?"
"I'm afraid me and my sister know not of where the keys may be hidden. But we are most positive you and the other elements can find it."
"B-but where can we even start?" Asked Twilight who looked curiously at the alabaster Princess.
"I'm afraid you'll have to figure that out yourselves. We are sorry we cannot be of any help, but we must be off." With that the Princesses of day and night vanish.
In this scenario, you are Twilight Sparkle. You're getting tired of this shit. First you have to learn how to use these wings. Next, you have to study on how to be a proper princess and shit. Now Celestia wants you to find six keys, and they have no fucking clue where they could be. Great.
Why don't Celestia and Luna ever help? All they do is wait around the castle and attempt to do Pony90x but give up five minutes in. "Well Twilight we bes' get ta searchin'." Applejack says, interrupting your thoughts. Suddenly an idea hits you.
"Girls wait! I think I have an idea on how to get the keys without having to do anything."
"Really?!" They all say in surprised excitement. They all equally hate going on these quests as much as you do. "Just follow me." You say as you make your way past the group of mares.
"Man that's the best sleep I've gotten in a while." You say stretching your tired limbs. "I was actually able to sleep in without those ponies bothering me for sex."You are Anon, the sexiest human in Equestria. You let out an over-exaggerated yawn as you make your way to the bathroom. "I wonder why I wasn't bothered today though?" You think out loud. The very thought stops you in your tracks. 'Why wasn't bothered today?' You think. "Probably nothing."
Continue on with your business.
Knock, knock, knock.
The horrid knocking makes you freeze in place once more and slowly, you turn your head to face the door. "Dear God, no." "M-maybe it's not them, yeah that's it." You say with a shaky voice, hoping your wish will be granted. "What in tarnation do ya think's takin' 'em so long?" A voice rings from outside the door. No doubting that's AppleJack, and it sounded like she was talking to the others.
There's no use. They'll make there way in here either way. With your hope shattered, you slump your way to the door and answer it. "Hey guys." You greet with a depressing, soggy tone.
"Heeyyyy Anonn." They all say in unison.
"Anyways. It's time to get down to business." Twilight says straightening out her posture.
Let out a heavy sigh.
"Fine let's just make this quick."
You step aside and present your home to the six mares. Twilight explains everything that occurred this morning. Leaving out the part where she and the mane six were given the assignment.
"Wait wait. Why do I have to do this? Wouldn't Celestia give you guys this job?" You ask with obvious suspicion.
Twilight begins looking around nervously towards the rest of her friends, hoping one of them will help her.
"Well... um you see Anon, we um...." Twilight struggles to come up with an excuse.
Rainbow Dash can't stand it anymore and decides to finally speak up. "What Twilight's trying to say is that we need to stay here and protect Equestria." You think for a moment.
"That makes sense."
Twilight let's out a breath of relief.
"But, why me? Isn't there anyone else who could find the keys? I mean Celestia has a whole military at her disposal. Why can't she just have them try to find them?"
Twilight looks back at Rainbow for an answer. Rainbow gives an agitated grunt.
"Celestia doesn't want word of the keys or the box to spread. It would look really suspicious if the Military was just running around. So she picked you since not only are you friends with us but apparently you're also HER bro."
Rainbow sneers at you toward that last part. It's true. You and the Queen of this land of ponies is your bro. Rainbow doesn't like that at all. Rainbow doesn't like when you go around labeling other ponies bro.
'
Bitch will get over it.' You think to yourself.
"S-so w-will you do it for us Anon?" Fluttershy asks trying to put on the puppy dog eyes. The eyes work.
'Damn.'
"Fine, but what do I get out of this?"
They all immediately put on the bedroom eyes.
"Well... you could take us all as a reward." Rarity says while seductively tracing a hoof up your leg.
"...Is there any other reward?" You ask while casually removing the white mares hoof from your crotch. All the mares scowl at you. Finally Twilight breaks the tension.
"Celestia said you wouldn't have to pay taxes and your meals would be free for a year."
'Oh shit, that's a great deal.' 'Better play it cool. Don't wanna come off desperate.' You think.
" I ACCEPT!" You shout as you quickly stand, showing your excitement in the matter.
'...nice, you nailed it.'
Twilight smiles at you. "Perfect we already have supplies for you." She hands you a pack with things necessary for survival and... Jesus is that a picture of all there vagina's smothered in whipped cream.
"Guess I- *dry heave*, guess I better get started."
"Good luck Anon we'll all be waiting for you to return and then ravish us." Twilight says while blinking 182 (pun of the century) times, as if acting seductive.
"... Well goodbye." You say waving at the group of lustful mares.
They wave you off.
'It shouldn't be too bad.' You think.
8 months later.
You're crawling back to Ponyville. There are scars all over your body from the constant battles you had to face.
Blood and sweat stains your shirt. Bringing yourself up to your feet you sway about, trying to make your way to Twilight's.
It hurts to walk, your muscles scream for rest, your head throbs from constantly being pummeled by multiple ponies while on your journey.
The only good thing about the journey was it got you into shape, barely having enough food to survive makes your meals smaller. But soon you'd fill your belly with food you won't have to pay for. Soon you'll be able to get proper medical treatment. It was worth it.
You've reached your destination. A giant oak tree which is the home of Twilight Sparkle.
Knock, knock, knock.
A purple Alicorn opens it up. "How may I-." The purple Alicorn stops mid-sentence. You give the shocked Alicorn a smile.
"Did ya miss me." You ask, leaning up against the door frame. You're immediately tackled in a hug.
"W-we thought you were dead." Twilight say through choked words.
"Dead? You thought I'd die when free meals for a year lies on the line."
Both you and Twilight laugh. The rest of the Mane 6 come out and give you the same treatment. You begin to explain your journey.
"Oh Anon I almost forgot, Celestia is here to open the box!" Twilight says.
"You already told her I arrived?"
All mares look down at the ground.
"Funny story actually." Twilight says while trying to force a laugh.
"W-what?"
Twilight continues. "It turns out, we were the six keys, the way to unlock the box was with in us all along." She says while she waits for your reaction.
Stunned, pissed, constipated are all understatements on how you feel right now. "W-what do you mean?" You say through an emotionless face and gritted teeth.
Twilight steps back in fear. "To put it simple, we are the keys."
Dig into your pockets and pull out six metallic keys. "Then what are these?"
Twilight takes a closer look at them. "Oh Anon... those are keys to different models of Pretty Pink Pony Diaries... and one is from a cereal box." She says in a soft tone.
Your hands shake, your palms begin to sweat. Your knees are weak , arms are heavy. There's vomit on your shir-... no wait that's your blood. Celestia calls to the rest of you.
"Twilight are you ready to see what is in the box?" The Goddess of the sun asks.
Twilight doesn't stop looking at you in your rage state as she answers. "Y-yeah." "Come on Anon. At least you can see what's in the box."
She grabs your hand with magic and leads you inside with the others. Once inside she releases her artificial grip from you and smiles.
"Ready?"
No words escape your mouth.
"Alright on the count of three; one, two, THREE."
Suddenly some magic mumbo jumbo happend with beautiful blue flames dancing around the six mares. It doesn't even faze you. The box is now open.
"Th-that can't be right!" Dash says stepping back.
Slowly make your way over to the box. There's nothing, nothing fills the very thing your wasted time on trying to get open. You stick your face in the box to make sure nothing you might have missed. A sudden bright flash makes you stumble back. You hear what sounds like gears turning and then a ding. Out of some sort of secret compartment comes a cane, with your face on it.
"You have to be shitting me!" You say, not sure on how to react.
"OOOOOO LEMME TRY!" Pinkie pushes the others out of the way and sticks her face in the box.
The same process occurs and out pops a can with Pinkie's face on it.
"This. Is. AWESOME!"
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
Everyone stops to look at you.
"I GO THROUGH HELL AND BACK. ALMOST STARVE TO DEATH, WHICH WAS ACTUALLY THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES, TO COME BACK AND FIND MY JOURNEY WAS USELESS. THEN, HERE COMES THE BEST PART, THE BOX IT A FUCKING CANE MAKER!"
The pain from yelling with a broken rib over takes your anger as you wince in pain.
"Whatever. At least I don't have to pay taxes and my meals are free for a year."
Celestia speaks up. "Who on Equestria told you that?"
Another wave of emotion washes over you. "Twilight said that was my reward if I did the quest."
"Anon, as proud as I am that you took on this quest, I'm afraid there is no reward."
The twitch in your eyes comes back. "W-what?"
"The quest was for the Mane 6, I assumed you were trying to get with them, so to impress them you took on the task. At least that's what Twilight told me."
Turn your attention towards the purple Alicorn. "WHAT!"
"You see Anon I-."
"NO. NO MORE OF YOUR BULLSHIT. CELESTIA MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RID ME OF TAXES, BUT YOU WILL BE PAYING FOR MY MEALS FOR A YEAR- NO THREE YEARS. GOT IT!"
She quickly shakes her head in agreement.
Turn to leave.
"And one more thing." Run up to the box and stomp on it repeatedly. "FUCKING FUCK THIS BOX!"
You stop your destruction of the box, and flip off everypony in the room as you leave. You pick up Rainbow on your way out.
"Anon wh-what are you doing?" The Pegasus asks in fear of her safety.
"I remembered how horny I was. Now we're going to have sex."
She looks back at the other mares with a smile and shrugs. You go home and flop Rainbow on the bed. You begin this weird thing where you try to eat and have sex at the same time. It worked. Now after an 8 month journey that nearly killed you, you stand in your room humping the flight out of a Pegasus while eating a whole bucket of mashed potatoes and gravy.
END
