Adventures in AnoNEIGHmity

by Draequine

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Human
Length: 2387

A H.i.E for all of you, just because I hate you that much =D

Mlp fanfiction writer INEXPLICABLY winds up in Equestria. An Equestria in which humans are the only acceptable form of cattle for sentient carnivores. Oh, and english isn't Equestrias native language to boot. We all wish him the best of- Bahahaha. He is so screwed

Published 2012-08-18 14:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-18 14:04:01 UTC

First chapter here

Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. “So here we are again,” I softly sing to myself, “It’s always such a pleasure.” I chew on my right thumb nail as I keep tapping my fingers along the desk, bathed in the glow of the monitor in front of me. I tap three times. I stop. I tap three times once more. I stop. My teeth slowly grind against each other. I pull my thumb from my mouth and jab the F5 button.

The screen gives quick flash as the internet page refreshes. Nothing. Still no connection, still no ponies, another day of doing jack squat. I think to myself. Giving a silent scream, I push myself away from the desk and useless computer. A quick stretch might help. It doesn’t, still bored. So soul crushingly bored.

I glance at the clock on the bed. 12:30 It blinks in bold red numbers. Yes, it was certainly late. I tiptoe to my computer, trying not to wake up my grandpa. Giving one last look at the screen before sighing and shutting it off. Without the constant whir of the computer, the silence is deafening.

I snatch my medication from under the screen and open it. Looking down into the green plastic bottle I find 13 small white pills staring up at me. So very tempting to just take them all. I cringe at the crazed stray thought, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Slowly tilting the bottle into my hand I fish one out. In it goes with nary a thought.

I stumble toward the bed and fall face first into a pillow. Now we play the waiting game. It’ll take what seems like hours before the pill kicks in and I drop into a pleasant, dreamless sleep. Suddenly there’s a tugging in my chest, paralyzing me. I can’t move, I can’t even open my eyes. I’m falling... falling... falling. Then, nothing.

Feeling ground beneath my feet, I risk opening my eyes. This can’t be good. Understating the obvious. This was definitely not my room. It wasn’t a room at all, just empty white space. Looking down at my feet, I start to doubt that this place is real. There was nothing below me, just more white nothingness going on and on into infinity.

I slowly breath in and out. Panicking won’t help, though going into the fetal position does sound like a good idea. This could be a dream, but this is much too lucid. A quick pinch confirms my suspicions. I clear my throat with a cough and meekly say “Hello?” to the endless space. Not that I’m expecting a reply mind you, just testing the peculiarities of this... place.

“Hello Ashton.” The nothing replies from behind me. I bite my tongue to keep myself from screaming. I shouldn’t turn around. I can’t turn around. I must not turn around. My frantic thoughts squealed. My body heedless to their pleas turns around any way to face the voice.

“Q?” The last person I would have expected. Or was it? Never really did watch star trek. The face of John de Lancie shifts, becoming softer, more feminine until it is the face of lauren faust. Now I’m really confused.

“No, your brain is unable to comprehend my true nature, so your mind changes your perception of me to-”

“Yeah, yeah.” I interrupt, because who else can say that they’ve cut off a god mid-conversation? That’s a once in a lifetime opportunity! “I see you as something that won’t melt my mind, I get it. So why am I here, oh-so-great higher being?” That probably wasn’t the right thing to say. I gulp nervously as the full extent of my stupidity sets in.

His/her/it’s face shows no emotion. “So... want to go to Equestria?”

What? “What?” What?

Emotionlessly, the being asks again, “Do you want to go to Equestria?”

Am I in a poorly written fanfic by myself? I think to myself.

“Yes. No. Both.” It says as its form shifts to a perfect replica of Einstein.

“I take it you can read my thoughts.” I knew Ponyfall was a bad idea, not that I think it’s the reason I’m here speaking to this strange man, but it’d just encourage me to make more H.i.E fics.

“Obviously. Now, do you want to go to Equestria?”

“Whatever happened to exposition in these kinds of stories?” I ask with a frank tone of voice, seeing where this whole thing was going. “Do you even know why you’re offering me a chance to go to equestria?” He was probably going to send me to equestria whether I wanted to go or not.

“Well, of course.” The being shifts into a tall old man with a white flowing beard. “Although, I won’t be telling you why.”

“Of course.” I sigh. “So will you be sending me to Equestria as a pony or something? Like those fics, uh... what were they called? Chess Games of the gods? It’s kinda getting cliche nowadays, isn’t it? This is probably the last time I see you before I go adventuring into the heart of Equestria, then?”

And get eaten by a Diamond dog, no doubt.

For a second I could swear it smiled. “I won’t change a single thing on you, Ashton. You will go to Equestria as you are now, a human. Now, do you want to go to Equestria or not?”

“Forgive me for being cautious, but... you haven’t even told me your name yet.”

“You may call me... Elmont.” He takes on the appearance of Tim the Enchanter.

“Nice name.” This is it, this kind of opportunity will never come again. I think back on my life, and what will become of my friends and family once I’m gone. Fuck those guys! Ponies, here I come!

“So you want to go to Equestria? Well then, when you leave this place and awaken in your bed you must-”

“Wait wait wait. I have to do stuff? Can’t you just zap me now?”

“No, you must show how serious you are about this. And to do that, you must die.”

“What?” I said, dumbly.

“So, you don’t want to go to equestria then?”

“No no no, of course I want to go to Equestria, I just think that dying and going to Equestria is such a cliche.”

“True, but so is me zapping you to Equestria willy-nilly.”

“Yeah, you got me there... Elmont” His name feels weird on my tongue. Like licking a battery. Must be this place. “But you can’t just expect me to up and die, can you? For all I know you are a figment of my repressed insanity. If you were to do something magical, in the real world, not here, then I would be more inclined to end my life.”

“Fine, fine, let me help you help me help you, then.” Elmont said, shifting into a likeness of Jack Nicholson. “So, ready to- Beep.”

“What?” I ask, as the nothingness starts dissipating, fading into white.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. I slam my hand on the snooze button, shaking the cobwebs out of my head. Was that a dream after all? I look around the room for anything out of place, anything thing to show that I wasn’t dreaming.

The room was in shambles; clothes hanging off the bed, drawers laying on the floor,books piled high on the desk. A glorious mess of my own making. There wasn’t, however, a single magical thing in this room. Then again, how would I know if it was magical? It would probably be glowing.

I should take a bath. I look at the clock. 12:45. Still late... I should go- Take a bath. The thought pounds in my head. Bath bath bath bath. Bath bath bath bath. I sniff my shirt. It stinks something fierce. A bath it is. I think to myself.

The pounding stops, much to my relief. Maybe a bath would get me sleepy enough to get a good nights rest. I walk out the room and down the hallway to the cramped second bathroom. I quietly open the door and become overwhelmed by the scent of roses.

The tub was full of steamy hot water, and surrounded by lit candles. Something is incredibly off about this. I shrug the cautious thought and take off my underwear, the only garment I had on today, and gingerly step into the bath. Goosebumps prickle up my leg as quickly submerge myself in the delightfully hot water. I let out a satisfied sigh as my worries melt away.

Then I heard a quiet click, coming from the edge of the sink next to the bath. It’s probably just a mouse. I take a quick peek anyway. At first, I didn’t know what it was. The glimmer from the candles reflected off its shiny metallic surface. It was hanging off the edge, about to fall off and into the tub. The only thing keeping that from happening was the wire hooked on the edge of the sink that was slowly slipping off. Wait... is that a toaster?

Plop.

Zap.

Sizzle.

At least it was quick. It hurt like hell, but at least it was quick. Are my last thoughts as my world fades to black.

It’s the smell that wakes me. Definitely the smell. It’s disgusting, sure, but under the main revolting aroma is a vague scent that makes me want to hide in a corner and pray it goes away, even though I know it never will. It’s fear that keeps my eyes shut, but the sound of shuffling feet and other people, or creatures, convince me to open them.

Not five feet away from my face is a puddle of what I hope is apple juice. Too bad it doesn’t smell like apple juice. I grimace as I pull myself off the ground. I look at my hand. Thank god it isn’t a hoof. I look around me to find that I am not alone, and that I am not the only human either. There are hundreds of them, and they’re all naked! Oh my god, the nudity! My poor, virgin eyes! I’m naked!

Everywhere I turn, there’s naked people. I cover my eyes and take a deep breath. I refuse to give Elmont the pleasure of me having a total meltdown. I open my eyes and get a better look at everyone. In a completely unsexual way, of course. Yuck, nothing but fatties. They seem to be on the small side though, but I can’t really tell how tall they are all hunched down on hands and feet, like monkeys. All of them have dull vacant stares, free of any thought whatsoever.

Alright, enough of this shit. You’ve had your fun, Elmont! Get me out of here! ...please? I wait in uncomfortable silence before remembering that I can’t go back. That, in my world, I’m dead. Wow... I’ve certainly fucked up, haven’t I? I look around for the biggest person, just in case we’re going by prison rules and I need to assert my dominance over these... things. I’m the biggest here by far. Like, a foot or two, at least. If we were all standing, anyway.

I hear soft footsteps on the rocky floor of whatever this place is. No, not soft, padded. I hear a mixture of growling and snarling ahead of me, in front of a crowd of the not-people. I resist standing up to get a better look. I don’t even need to look over them as diamond dogs wade through the mass of mindless humans. There are around a dozen of them. Each wearing an apron splattered with what I hope is... who am I kidding, it’s blood. The aprons are splattered with blood.

They seem to be looking for something. They split up in groups of two and each group grabs one of the people creatures, hauling them off who knows where. Please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me. Please please please.

One of the dogs looks at me. I take a page from my cellmates and stare vacantly into space. The dog nudges his partner and points at me. Damn it all to hell. What are they going to do with me? I wondered as they dragged me off like a sack of potatos. I’m quite tempted to scream out: ‘Getcher paws off me you damn dirty pups!’ Then I would run like hell and get chased down, and probably eaten.

What will they do with me? Will this actually turn out like planet of the apes? Will they lobotomize me? Is that what happened with all these people? Stop stop stop! I shake my head to get rid of these horrible, yet probably true prediction.

They are carrying me by my arms and legs like a hammock. The swinging motion is kinda making me woozy. We leave the huddling mass of whatever those creatures were, and that horrific smell becomes more and more distinct. They turn right and enter a rocky tunnel. If I were to guess where I am, I would say underground. Then again, with diamond dogs involved, that's the only place we could be, couldn’t it?

They toss me unceremoniously into a cage and shut the door. I lay in a heap until I’m sure none of them are looking before assuming those false humans posture. My cage is amongst 16 others, but that isn’t what interests me. No, what really has my curiosity piqued is the diamond dog in front of the giant meat grinder. He’s wearing an apron stained with blood, and has a malicious grin that just screams Hannibal lector.

It all makes sense now! This is a Diamond slaughterhouse. Actually it’s more of a slaughter cave, or is it lair? Diamond dogs must use these humans as a food source. I slowly turn to look at my nearest cellmate, a fat man with matted black hair and a uni-brow. A steady stream of drool trickled out of his mouth. Now that I think about it, dog food is about all these guys are good for.

Son of a bitch, and I’m on the menu! I realize as the 'butcher' began to turn the grinders crank.