Pinkie and the Brain
“Pinky, is the inter-dimensional aperture-scanner showing positive?”
“Well, um, Brain, the big pointy thing is pointing in the green area, so…”
“Fine, thank you.” Brain sighed inwardly. He really ought to be used to Pinky’s dim-wittedness after so many years, but the at times the disappointment still lurched forward. What he wouldn’t give for a new assistant, just for a change of perspective.
“So Brain,” Pinky said, cautiously looking around the complex device before them, “What exactly will this thing do again?”
“This device,” Brain began, moving easily into monologue mode, “is an inter-dimensional rift inducer. The human scientists have been drawing plans on it for years, and I, being the extraordinary Brain that I am, have finally completed them. By colliding high-density sub-atomic particles at near-light speeds, it creates a miniature black hole-like rift between the limitless dimensions, giving us unparalleled access to the secrets of reality! Which such ultimate power at my fingertips, I, the Brain, shall become ruler of not just the world, but every world!”
“NAAAAARRRRFFFF! That’s a real plumb-dinger of an ide-oh, wait, no, no. Brain, what if the inter-dimensional rift grows out of control and produces drastically unforeseen consequences? I mean, can we trust the unknown?”
“Pinky, I know this goes against every fiber in your miniscule existence, but please, DON’T BE STUPID!” Brain said, delivering a mighty whack to Pinky’s cranium with a screwdriver. “I am the Brain, there is not a single miscalculation, overlooked detail, or unforeseen possibility in my plan. This scheme is fool-proof!”
“But Brain, isn’t that what you said for the last time? And the time before that? And the time before…”
*WHACK*, this time with a 5/8 wrench. “It would be wise to keep your observations to yourself from now on, Pinky”
“Oooh, pretty stars…”
Sometime later, the machine was ready.
Brain gave a lusty smile. “It is time Pinky. The endless toil of uncountable failures is about to come to fruition!”
“Swell Brain, though I’m partial to vegetables myself! NARF”
“Pinky?”
“Yes Brain?”
“Shut up and throw the switch.”
“Aye aye, mon Cap-ee-tan!”
As Pinky flipped the lever labeled “activate”, the machine began to vibrate, then issued a high-pitched whine. Various lights and displays were flashing rhythmically, and the accelerator speeds started to climb.
“Yes,” said Brain, a triumphant grin breeching his face, “YES!”
Lightning flashed between the opposite conductors, and small metal objects around the lab began to edge towards the machine. Their fur stood on end, and the sharp odor of ozone filled the room.
“YES!!” shouted Brain, a twinkle of madness in his eye. “AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF PLOTTING AND SCHEMEING, ONLY TO BE MET WITH ENDLESS FAILURE, AT LAST, THE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!”
Suddenly, Pinky broke in, “Uuum, Brain?”
“Not now, Pinky!” Brain said without turning around, too engrossed in the spectacle before him.
“But Brain, I think…”
“I said, NOT NOW!”
As he said this, a ball of white light appeared between the electric volts.
“But I think this is something really import…”
“WHAT?!” Brain snapped, tearing his eyes away from the expanding sphere of energy.
“You know how you asked earlier if the inter-dimensional apichur-doohickey was pointing in the green?”
“Yes, yes, what about it?”
The orb of light was now the size of a gumball.
“Well,” said Pinky, rubbing his neck nervously. “It’s not there anymore. It’s in the pink now.”
“WHAT?!?!”
The orb was now the size of a golf ball.
“See, look. It’s not pointing at green, but in that pink area.”
“Impossible, Pinky, I constructed that device myself, and nowhere in the human’s plans was there any pink on the inter-dimensional…”
Brain stopped suddenly. There it was, he hadn’t noticed it before. At the far edge of the meter, a tiny sliver of pink next to the larger green area the dial was supposed to be pointing at.
“Well this can’t be goo…” but as Brain spoke, the ball of energy exploded, engulfing Acme Labs in blinding white light. Brain heard a shriek of terror, a “point!”, and then blacked out.
As Brain came to, he heard a voice as if from far away. He couldn’t make out the words, but he instantly knew it had to be Pinky. He’d never heard anyone else with such an annoyingly high-pitched voice.
“Pinky? Is…is that you?”
The voice spoke again, this time louder, but he still couldn’t make out distinct words. It was oddly different than normal. Somewhat… higher.
“Oh gosh… what happened?” Brain tried to sit up, but the movement made him dizzy. He tried to open his eyes, but all her could see were spots. “Maybe there was a crossed wire in the electro-reception matrix” he said. “Or maybe some scramble code in the string theory calculator. Or maybe…”
“Maybe you got cake frosting in the works. Like this one time, I was eating cupcakes while blow-drying my mane with Mrs. Cake’s hair dryer, but I accidentally got the cupcake too near the fan and all the frosting got sucked into it and splattered all over my hair!”
“…what?” Brain said, still disoriented.
“I had to pay for a new one out of my salary, but man, all day long I had the most delicious hair in Ponyville, even if Rarity said it made me look like a purple sasquatch.”
Brain’s eyes shot open, despite the immediate headache. That was definitely not Pinky’s voice. It was too crisp and clear, it lacked Pinky’s usual clumsy slur. And it was oddly… feminine?
“But what does she know? I happen to like sasquatches myself. I’ve never actually seen one before, but I bet if I did I’d like it! Actually, I just like to say ‘sasquatch”, it’s so fun! Ooh, and “kookaburra”, I love that word too! I could just sit around all day saying them, kookaburra, sasquatch, kookaburra, sasquatch, kookaburra, sasquatch, boogie-woogie wombat!”
Brain’s vision slowly swam into focus, and he wearily looked towards the source of the noise. What he saw shocked him into sitting up, surprise doing away with any lingering after-effects of the blast. What stood before him was not Pinky. It was… a horse? Not only that but… a pink horse?!
“And you know, ‘wombat’’s a pretty funny word, isn’t it?” the pink creature continued. “ I mean, did some guy just go up to it and say, ‘Hey, this thing looks kinda like a wombat, don’t you agree?’, and the guy next to him would say, ‘Dude, what’s a wombat?’ and the first guy would say, ‘That’s a wombat, you idiot!’. Man, I bet those guys had some crazy times, going around and naming stuff! And speaking of crazy times…”
The creature prattled on while Brain got a good look at her. She was unlike any equine he had ever seen, that was for sure. First of all, she was, well, pink! He had never seen anything in such a vibrant shade of the color. Its body was a basic pink, with a hot magenta mane and tail, and the clearest sky-blue eyes. It was about 4 ½ feet tall, with and extra three inches or so from her ridiculously poufy mane. Significantly, on her rump there were three balloon-shaped markings, one yellow with a blue string, the others blue with yellow strings.
“..and then I ate the entire 7-layer wedding cake! Boy, were the Cakes ever…”
“Wait, stop” said Brain, getting shakily to his feet. “Before you go on, I have to know; who, or what, are you?
“Well that’s a silly question! I’m Pinkie Pie, Queen of Rhyme and Party Time!”
“And, as for the ‘what’ aspect of the question?”
“Well, duh! I’m obviously a pony!”
“A...pony?”
“That’s right! Pinkie Pie the earth pony. Though actually, my full name is Pinkamena Dianne Pie, but that’s so long to write on a birthday cake, so I shortened it!”
“And, uh, where are you from miss, uh, Pinky?”
“Well, I’m from Ponyville, though that’s not how you pronounce my name silly!”
“…pronounce your name?”
“Yeah; it’s pronounced with and ‘ie’ at the end, ‘Pinkie’. You said it with a ‘y’; ‘Pinky’”
“But…I… it’s just what I’m used to saying… how can you even tell the difference?”
“Well, it’s right here in the script isn’t it?”
Brain was utterly dumbfounded… again. “Script? What script?”
“Oops, never mind, we’re past that part already!” Pinkie went on, the Brain still trying to wrap his mind around the whole ‘script’ concept. “Anyway, I’m from a town called Ponyville in the land of Equestria! I was walking along my favorite path through the park, smelling all the new flowers, when I saw a weird ball of light floating in mid-air.”
“A weird ball of light?”
“Yeah, just hanging out in the middle of the air, minding its own business. I went up to it and introduced myself, but it didn’t respond. Then I asked it if it was okay, because it wasn’t making any noise and looked like it was swelling up from something. So I listened really closely to it and didn’t even hear it breathing. I assumed it wasn’t alive so I did the only natural thing to do in such a situation.”
“Which was…?”
“I ate it, of course!” said Pinkie, an incredulous look spreading across her face.
Brain stared, flabbergasted at this bizarre talking pony in front of him. “You…ate it?”
“Duh, that’s what I said, isn’t it?” Pinkie sat back, staring up at the ceiling. “And then the weirdest thing happened. It was like, I felt like I had blown blown into a billion tiny little pieces, but I was still me, you know? I could still sense stuff and everything. And I was flying at what felt like super-dee-duper speeds, except there was no wind, through this weird glowing tube of light. It looked like my kaleidoscope after Derpy dropped it that one time. Then there was this really bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I flew right into it, and the next thing I knew I woke up here, and then I started talking to you, and you were still groggy, and then I talked some more, this time about sasquatches and wombats, and you said, ‘Wait, stop, before you go on, I have to know..’”
“Please, that’s quite enough” Brain interrupted. Only a few minutes into this encounter and the creature was already starting to annoy him. But the story still intrigued him. He decided to investigate further.
“So, you say you live in this place called, uh, Ponyville, and were suddenly thrown through a mysterious rift into this place when you ate a strange floating ball of light?”
“Yep-a-roony, tiny toony!”
“Interesting…did you see anyone else going through the rift? Maybe heading in the opposite direction you were traveling?”
“Well” said Pinkie, putting a hoof t her chin and scrunching up her eyes, “now that you mention it, I did notice a weird white blob moving to where I was going from. It made a weird sound too, kind of like a ‘narf’ or something.”
“That was Pinky!” said Brain, understanding creeping over the edges of his consciousness.
“Pinky? Who’s that? Does he or she look like me?”
“No, no” said Brain, figuring and calculating in his head. “He’s an albino rodent, like myself”
“Albi-what?”
“A small white mouse.”
“Ooooh. Who are you, by the way? I’ve never seen a mouse with such a huge head, and I’ve seen all kinds of rare and sick animals at Fluttershy’s house.”
“Who is Flutter… never mind. I am the Brain, the most intelligent being on the planet, master of intellect, rightful ruler of this pitiful world!”
“Brain, huh?” said Pinkie Pie, looking around her for the first time. “And uh, where exactly am I?”
“You are in Acme Labs in Los Angeles, California, in the country of the United States of America, on the planet Earth.”
“Earth, huh?” said Pinkie Pie. “That’s kind of a boring name. Why not call it something more fun, like, say, Dirtville!”
“Dirtville?” repeated Brain.
“Either that or Candyland, because I love dirt and candy. Well, I also love sasquatches, kumquats, chimmy-cherry-chongas and parties, so maybe you should call it Candirtkumsquatchimmycherrychongartyland.”
Brain didn’t know what to day to this, and merely blinked in disbelief.
“Soooo…” asked Pinkie, getting back to the current matter, “how did I get here anyway?”
“Well,” said Brain, slipping back into monologue mode, “it all began when my companion Pinky and I were preparing to test my latest invention, because we…”
“Woah, woah, woah, no offence mister Brain, but this sounds like it could take a while. Do you think we could just skip ahead 10 minutes or so and save some time?”
“Skip ahead? What do you mean by-”
10 Minutes Later
“Oh, NOW I get it!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, hopping in place. “Your inter-dimensional thingie-mabob malfunctioned and accidentally put me in your world and Pinky in mine!”
“…what just happened?” asked Brain, looking bewildered at the clock, which had somehow gone from 11:30 to 11:40 in under a second.
“Don’t worry about it,” explained Pinkie. “It’s just a narrative device to keep things from getting to drawn out and boring.”
“For who, though?!” asked Brain, exasperated.
“Whoops, we’re past that part again, let’s move on!” exclaimed Pinkie, picking up Brain and tossing him into her mane. She began to trot around the laboratory, ogling the various instruments. “Man, what Twilight wouldn’t give to see this place. Not much for me though. Do you have a kitchen? Or maybe a ballroom?”
“No Pinkie, this is an institution dedicated to scientific research, not a funhouse!” Brain said, trying to disentangle his left ankle from a knot of hair.
“Aw, are you sure?”
“Yes, Pinkie, I’m very-“
“Hey, what’s this do?” Pinkie exclaimed, staring at a large red button.
“Don’t press tha-“
But Brain was too late as Pinkie activated the photon laser, burning the hair off the top of his scalp.
“Oopsie, heh heh…” Pinkie turned off the laser and set Brain back down on a desk. “It’s really not so bad, what if we just…”
“Pinkie?”
“Yes, Brain?”
“Shut up”
“Okay”
“Now, listen carefully,” said Brain, eyeing Pinkie to make sure she would stay quiet. “We need to get you and Pinky switched back to your own original dimensions. We don’t know what kind of strange effects this could be having on the multiverse, even as we speak, and I don’t want to find out. Now let’s get back to the machine, and…”
Brain stopped short. The Inter-Dimensional Rift-Inducer was completely fried.
“No…” Brain whispered. Rushing up to the machine’s main controls, he flipped switches, pushed buttons, opened panels, looking for anything that still worked. “No, no, NO!!”
It was no good. The wires were completely cooked, the conductor rods corroded and black. When he opened the motherboard panel, steam hissed at him, smelling of melted silicon and rotten eggs. The display panels were either melted or shattered. The entire device sat, crusty and useless, just so much bleak metal.
“All that hard work…” Brain fell back into a sitting position. “All those years of scheming… for naught.”
“Aw, c’mon Brain,” Pinkie said, walking up behind him, “Maybe there’s an upside to this. I mean, you’ve got me now right? Maybe I can help you scheme and plot and stuff!”
“Your kindness is appreciated, Pinkie, but I don’t think-” Brain was cut off by the sound of arguing voices coming from up the hall. “The scientists!” said Brain. “They’re coming back!”
“The what and the who are doing what?” it was Pinkie’s turn to be bewildered.
“No time to explain. Pinkie, you have to get me back in my cage on the table there, before they get here!”
“Oh, uh, okay.” Pinkie obeyed, latching the cage door behind him.
“Okay, now take the IDRI and hide in that empty supply cabinet.”
“But I…”
“JUST DO IT, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO ARGUE!”
“Okay, okay, yeesh, no need to be pushy!” She balanced the apparatus on her back and trotted quickly into the closet.
Not long after, two scientists walked into the room.
“I can’t believe you forgot your notes again!” one said.
“Yeah well, I’ve a lot on my mind recently…” said the other sheepishly.
“Oh sure, having to decide between movies and clubbing, that’s such a weighty choice.”
“Shut up, just shut up” said the second, retrieving a clipboard from a nearby counter. “We need anything else while we’re in here?”
“Yeah, get some hydrochloric acid, the downstairs lab is running a bit low.”
“Sure, where is it?”
“I don’t know, look around some. Check in that closet, I’m not really sure what’s in it.”
The man started walking towards the closet.
The closet with the IDRI.
The closet with Pinkie Pie in it.
What must I do? Brain thought. I can’t let them see the IDRI, it would ruin the whole experiment for sure! And if they find Pinkie Pie… I might never see her again…
Brain resorted to the only thing he could think of.
*RATTLE RATTLE*SQUEAK SQUEAK*RATTLE*SQUEAK SQUEAK* RATTLE*
“What the heck is that noise?” said one of the scientists.
“That rat’s going crazy!” said the second, turning away from Pinkie’s hiding place.
“Ugh, I hate it when they do this. Flick him on the nose” said the first.
The second flicked Brain on the nose. Hard. “Stop it, you damn rodent.”
Brain did stop; the pain in his snout was terrible. He couldn’t squeak or rattle anymore if he tried.
“Well, that’s done. Hey, I just remembered,” said the first scientist, “the hydrochloric acid is in this pantry.”
“Alright” said the second. They grabbed a jug and left the room. Only when he was sure that the humans had moved a long way down the hall did Brain call out to Pinkie, “It’s okay, Pinkie, they’re gone, you can come out.”
Pinkie peeked out of the closet, and then quickly trotted up to Brain’s cage.
“Oh you poor thing, let me help!” she unlatched the cage and gently picked Brain up out of it, then began to examine his nose. “Those meanie-bo-beanies had no right to treat you that way.”
“No, no, it’s fine” said Brain, shying away from her searching eyes. “Besides, it’s just a bruise… hang on a second, did you just unlatch my cage door?”
“Uh… yes?” came the reply.
“But, how?” asked Brain, shocked again by the seemingly impossible things that were happening today. “You don’t even have hands, how could you, well, do those kinds of things?”
“Well, how did you build an interdimensional teleporter?” was Pinkie’s simple response. “I don’t think mice usually have thumbs either.”
Brain, stunned by this, looked down at his own oddly human-like hands. “Yes but…but you see…”
“But nothing, we’re just a couple of weirdoes, aren’t we brain!” It wasn’t a question, more of an affirmation. As if it were an inside joke between just them.
Brain looked at this mysterious pink pony with her joyful smile and air-headed attitude. Come to think of it, she wasn’t entirely unlike another friend Brain had recently lost. And wasn’t he just thinking that he wanted some fresh perspective? Couldn’t get much fresher than atop a pink pony’s head.
Pinkie reached up and placed Brain gently amongst the curls of her mane. As she did, Brain suddenly spoke, “Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain,” Pinkie replied, “But if we use flowers instead of flour in the recipe, wouldn’t the cake end up tasting like grass?”
Brain was again stunned by this similarity between his old Pinky and this new Pinkie.
“No Pinkie. Until we can obtain the necessary components to rebuild my Inter-Dimensional Rift Inducer, you shall be my assistant. You shall aid me in all my endeavors at world conquest, and in return, I promise to eventually return you to your home of Equestria.”
"*GASP* That was totally going to be my next thought!” exclaimed Pinkie, a massive grin breaking across her face. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun, I’m gonna be the best assistant ever! I can reach tall things for you, be your getaway steed, make you cupcakes*GASP*” she stopped suddenly.
“Pinkie, what is it?” Brain asked, sincere concern leaking into his voice.
“Ohmygosh, I was so busy being teleported to a different dimension that I forgot to sing a random song!”
“Sing a random song?”
“Yes, it’s part of my essential checklist for whenever I meet somepony new, except you’re not a somepony, you’re more of a somerodent, but I can make an exception!”
“Uh, Pinkie, I don’t think…”
We’re Pinkie and the Brain,
Yes Pinkie and the Brain,
One is a genius, the other’s insane!
One’s a laboratory mouse, the other rocks the house,
We’re dinky, we’re Pinkie and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
Before each night is done, his plan shall be unfurled,
While my party has begun, he’ll take over the world!
We’re Pinkie and the Brain,
Yes Pinkie and the Brain,
My pink and fluffy mane,
Is not easy to maintain!
We’re bound to make a mess,
But we’ll just do our best!
We’re dinky, we’re Pinkie and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
FOREVER!
“Uh, well done Pinkie. Now let’s go to sleep, I’m bushed. There’s a thickly wooded area just outside the lab, you can sleep out there during the day, and come help me in here by night.”
“Awesome, this is gonna be soooooo fun!” Pinkie cried out. “See ya tomorrow, Brain ol’ buddy, ol’ friend, ol’ pal!”
As Brain watched Pinkie slip out a window and disappear into the forest, he couldn’t help but compare what he had lost to what he had gained. As sleep overtook his eyes, he couldn’t help but wonder how Pinky was handling Ponyville and Equestria. With any luck, his experience would be just as promising.
“Goodnight, old friend” said Brain, barely conscious. “May your stars shine bright, and you friendships…be… magic”
Pinky ran in place on the hamster wheel Twilight had borrowed from Fluttershy. Fluttershy had offered to care for the odd talking mouse all on her own, but Twilight wanted to study it a bit more intimately. She tucked Spike into bed, lit some candles, and prepared her quill and ink for another night of note taking.
“Gee Twilight, what are we gonna do tonight?”
“The same thing we do every night, Pinky; TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD!”
