Kick out the Epic MotherBucker

by Flint-Lock

Rating: teen
Tags: Bulk Biceps, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Random
Length: 1480

This is what happens when you mix caffeine, boredom, and ponies.

This is a collection of bizarre, random, and ultimately pointless microfics, posted for the entertainment of my fellow cartoon horse enthusiasts. Read at your own risk.

Will try to update at least once a week.

Published 2014-07-01 18:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-01 18:30:05 UTC

Not the Princess You were Expecting

Not the Princess You were Expecting.

It was said that for every million ponies, only one of them could be considered princess material.

To even be considered for princesshood, one had to be a paragon of ponykind: kind, loving, wise, and graceful. Even among those rare individuals, only one in a hundred stood a chance of actually obtaining alicornhood.

Needless to say, not many of the potential princesses passed. So on the rare occasion when somepony beat the odds, Canterlot, and Equestria as a whole, went nuts

In every city, every town, every village, all anypony would talk about was the new princess. The more progressive ponies debated the new alicorns’ stance on interspecies marriage, while the more conservative ponies hoped that the new princess would consider cutting taxes. Everypony from the smallest filly to the oldest stallion huddled around their radios, listening to the newscasters’ describe the celebrations at Canterlot. The overexcited newsponies talked as if they were being paid extra for every superlative they added.

In the capital city itself, the mayor put the citizen’s tax bits to good use; elaborate floats slowly crawled through the capital city’s ancient streets, each of which had cost more to build than most ponies made in their entire lifetime. Massive banners with the new princess’ cutie mark, decorated every vertical surface, from the elaborately-woven banners hanging from the spires of Canterlot Castle, to small, home-made banners hung from the sides of buildings by ecstatic citizens.

During all this time, even the skies were filled with celebration. Air ships decorated with the princess’ cutie mark hovered overhead, dangling huge banners praising the new god-ruler Equestria’s elite flying team, the Wonderbolts, soared over the city in their dark-blue flight suits, leaving trails of brightly colored cloud behind them. They flew in a tight formation over the castle and dipped their wings in a salute to the new Princess.

Finally, Princess Celestia stepped out onto one of Canterlot Castle’s many balconies, followed by her slightly shorter sister.

“Citizens of Equestria.” The Princesses boomed in their Royal Canterlot voices. They spread out their wings like feathery curtains “It is our pleasure to introduce you to Equestria’s newest princess…”

The duo lifted their wings. “Princess Bulk Biceps!”

The bulky alicorn trotted out onto the balcony in his ceremonial gown, tiny blue comets spitting from his newly-gained horn. The tiara on his head glinted in the early evening sun, the carved barbell on its front sparkling like chrome. Tears trickled down his snow-white cheeks, smearing his artfully-applied mascara.

Below him, the citizens of Canterlot cheered as if their lives depended on it. Colts and fillies waved pennants bearing his cutie mark: pair of weights. The radio announcers practically shouted into their microphones.

Celestia gave the disturbingly buff Pegasus a gentle nudge. “Would you like to say something?”

Bulk just stood there, overwhelmed with emotion. The crowds hushed, straining their ears for the slightest sound from their new god-princess.

“Bulk,” Celestia gave another nudge. “They’re waiting.”

The Pegasus swallowed his fear and stood on his hind legs. Flashbulbs went off all over the crowd like caged thunderbolts. He flexed his bulging forearms.

“YEAH!”

Author's Note

Beautiful, isn't it?

A Perfectly Normal Picnic

A Perfectly Normal Picnic

Fluttershy and Rarity make their way across the muddy, cratered moonscape of No Man’s land, carrying a picnic basket between them.

“It certainly is a lovely day for a picnic.” Fluttershy says stepping over a decaying corpse.

“Indeed”. Rarity takes a deep breathand sighs in contentment, letting the scent of rotting meat, cordite, and filth flow through her nostrils ”…and it smells so nice out here too”

The two ponies stop beside a massive water-filled shell crater. Rarity sets the picnic basket down while Fluttershy spreads a checkered sheet on the viscous slime covering the battlefield.

“So, um, Rarity, what did you pack?”

“Oh, nothing much.” Rarity rummagesthrough the straw basket and pulls out a teapot. “Just some tea, some daisy sandwiches, and some cookies.”

A bullet whizzes over Fluttershy’s head. Some distance away, a soldier wearing a spiked helmet slumps over. “Oh, that sounds delicious!”

Rarity pours two cups of tea and hands Fluttershy a sandwich. ”How have you been, Darling?”

“Better, I guess.” A rat the size of a small dog runs over the blanket and starts gnawing on a bloated corpse. “Things just aren’t the same without Angel.” She nibbles on a sandwich and sighs. “Ever morning I keep expecting to see him there, waiting for me to make him breakfast.”

“Sorry, dear, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Oh, it’s alright.” Fluttershy sips her tea. Another bullet clips her mane. “I’ve...learned to cope.”

Rarity decides to change the subject. “So, did I tell you what Twilight told me yesterday?”

Fluttershy eats her sandwich and starts nibbling on a cookie. “No, what did she say?”

Just as Rarity is about to tell Fluttershy what Twilight had told her, the battlefield erupts with the sound of heavy artillery. Shells scream through the air like falling angels, slamming into the ground like man-made meteors.

“Oh, Rarity, could you say that again?”

“Of course, Darling. Twilight told me that…”

The bombardment continues throughout Rarity’s juicy gossip. Every shell kicks up a geyser of mud, as if the landscape were boiling. One shell scores a direct hit on a trench, showering the couple with dirt, rock, and assorted body parts.

“Oh my, I never thought Mac was so sophisticated?”

“Indeed” Rarity picks a severed finger out of her tea. “Who would have thought a farmer would have such a love for Bridleway musicals?”

she takes another sip. “ Darling, how long have we been a couple?

“Goodness, it’s been a while. Maybe a year, perhaps?”

“A year and a half actually.” Rarity mixes a little sugar in with her tea. The bombardment finally ends, and horde of soldiers rise from the trenches, rifles drawn and bayonets fixed. They trudge their way through the fudge-like mud- one slip and they’ll be swallowed up by the quagmire.

“Wow, I didn’t know we’d been together for so long.”

“Well you know what they say, Darling.” Rarity finishes the last of her tea. A stray rifle bullet shatters the tea cup. “Well, you know what they say: time flies when you’re having fun.”

Another bullet shatters the tea pot. Rarity picks up the pieces and tucks them into the picnic basket. “During that time, would you say we’ve grown close?”

“Oh, yes, we’ve grown very close!” Fluttershy says as machine gun nests open fire, shredding the hapless soldiers in a hurricane of lead. Every second sees at least five soldiers die.

“I haven’t been this happy with anypony in my life!”

“ Did you ever think of…becoming even closer…?”

Fluttershy raises an eyebrow. “What do you-?” Her eyes widen. “Rarity…”

The unicorn reaches into the picnic basket and pulls out a small, velvet ring box.

Rarity gets on her knees, “Fluttershy…” The unicorn kicks away a thrown grenade and cracks open the box. “Will you marry me?”

Fluttershy is stunned, to say the least. She takes the hoof ring out, and examines it. It’s a beautifully crafted engagement anklet: white gold, with a beautiful rose quartz butterfly in its center.

“I, uh, I…” A soldier takes a bullet to the head and slumps over onto the blanket as if he just had a sudden nap attack. Fluttershy shoves him aside. “I-I-I...YES!”

Before Rarity can react, Fluttershy tackles her and gives the unicorn the most passionate kiss of her life. “Yes yes yes yes Rarity I will marry you!” She says as a group of crude tanks clank onto the battlefield before submerging into the mud.

Rarity returns the kisses. “Here, let me put it on you.” She takes the ring and clasps it around Fluttershy’s left foreleg. “There we go!”

“Oh Rarity.” Fluttershy holds up her foreleg, admiring the new ring. “ It’s beautiful!”

“Only because it’s on you, darling.”

Fluttershy and Rarity chuckle. As they laugh, a legless soldier crawls by, dragging himself through the muck with his rifle. A burst of machine gun fire quickly ends his suffering.

“So, Fluttershy.” Rarity looks at her new fiance with half-lidded eyes, “What do you say we celebrate our upcoming wedding?”

Fluttershy answers by shoving her tongue down Rarity’s throat.

-

Later finds our two lovers curled up next to each other, their coats matted with ...bodily fluids. All around them lay countless dead and dying soldiers.

“I love you, Rarity” Fluttershy says over the wails of dying men.

“And I love you too, my beautiful yellow angel.

The fall asleep in each others forelegs.

They are content.

--

Author's Note

I'd just like to say that I mean no disrespect to those who served in World War I. Except Douglas Haig. That schmuck deserves it.