The Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000
The Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000
On a paved road leading out of Ponyville, a strange wooden machine was chugging along with the help of two unicorn’s magic powering it. These two stallions were Flim and Flam, and they had just been beaten in a cider battle for the Apple family’s apple farm, Sweet Apple Acres.
“I do say dear brother, we were really shown who was in charge around there!” Flim remarked.
“Shut the fuck up, I know, obviously!” Exclaimed Flam. “God dammit!”
The younger brother cowered away. “Sorry…” He mumbled.
Flam twitched his moustache. “There’s no reason to cry, brother.” He placed a hoof on his brother’s shoulder, who flinched. “I’m sorry I cursed. I’m just upset that we lost. We looked like fools!”
Flim turned back towards the other bacon maned stallion. “There’s no way we can redeem our image now. Not after that, anyway.” He stroked his chin. “Unless we’re quick to start selling some sort of new product, in a new town.”
“You’re right! That way if it’s found out that our cider wasn’t quite the best, we’ll be selling something different anyway.” Flam said. “Plus it’ll take a few days for the news to spread of our failure. By that time we’ll already have set up a new image for ourselves.” The moustachioed stallion cocked his head in thought. “Maybe we should relocate into a larger city where more ponies will see us quicker.”
The younger stallion nodded. “That’s a great idea. Should we get this old thing moving as fast as it can?”
“Of course we should!”
“Here we go!”
“BING BANG ZAM!”
-~-
Manehattan was quiet compared to the bustle of the daytime commute. It was night now as the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 and its two occupants rolled into the city. Only a few ponies walked the streets, and quickly moved out of the way of the machinery. They had to come to a stop as Flam blew the horn at a few slower moving mares.
“Out of the way dearies! We have places to be!” He called.
“Oh, go fuck yourself!” One of the older mares retorted back. Flam’s temper began to rise, but he decided it was best not to say anything back.
Several ponies opened their windows to look at what had caused the noises which woke them. They stared in awe at the wooden contraption and the two tall stallions atop of it.
“What could it be?” One pony asked.
“I think it’s a spaceship!” An excited colt responded.
“Don’t be stupid!” His father said.
“Calm down everypony!” Flim called to the concerned ponies. “You’ll learn what our machine does in the morning! Just come and find us!” He waved goodbye, and the machine lurched back into motion.
Flam squinted to see ahead in the dark. “Where should we park this thing?” He questioned. “We can’t just leave it on the street.”
Flim ran to the front of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 and pointed. “Right there!” He answered. “I see an alleyway that is just the perfect size for this baby!” He gleamed.
The moustachioed stallion squinted again. “Oh, I see what you’re talking about. That looks fantastic, my dear brother!” He drove the contraption into the alleyway and parallel parked it, so that they were blocking the entire alley.
“We can store extra cider- err, whatever we’re going to be making back here!” The younger brother said as he observed the alleyway. He sniffed the air. “P.U.!” He waved a hoof in front of his snout.
Flam sniffed loudly as well. “What is that shitty smell?” He inquired. He jumped into the alley and began looking over the small piles of trash which had accumulated there. “Oh my! Flim, look at this!”
“What is it?” Flim trotted to his brother and looked at what Flam had brought to his attention. A startled gasp escaped him. “Dear Celestia!”
The crumpled body of a mare had been discarded along with some garbage. Rather recently, too. The blood that was pouring out of her wounds was still hot. The two brothers could see the steam rising from the torrent. She had a light blue coat and a dark green mane and tail. Her cutie marks had been removed, and her throat had been slashed.
“My word!” Flim shouted. “This is horrific!”
“Shush!” Flam whispered. “Do you want to get us caught?” He looked around, paranoia evident in his eyes.
The younger bacon maned stallion stared at his brother in disbelief. “Us? Caught? What in Tartarus are you talking about? We didn’t do this!”
Flam stared back, something having snapped. “What if someone thinks we did do it? There’s no proof that we didn’t!” His moustache twitched, and he went back to looking at the body of the pony. “Hey, I have an idea…” He muttered, and looked back at Flim with a crooked smile on his face.
Flim took a step back. “W-what do you have in mind?” He stuttered.
“I know what we can make using the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, my dear brother. But it’s going to take some hard work. Right now, it’s easy. We already have some of the raw materials laying right in front of us,” he motioned towards the mare’s corpse, “but once this runs out, we’ll have to get more, and that’s where this alley will come in handy.” Flam explained. “In fact… I wonder…” He trotted to the single door in the dark alleyway and found that it was unlocked. Looking inside, he realized it was a small empty room with only one light hanging from the ceiling. “This is perfect!”
“What is?” Flim asked.
“This room!” The moustached pony responded. “We can do all the dirty work back here. Nopony will ever find out!”
The younger stallion shook his head. “This is crazy. I don’t know if I want to do this.”
“Like you have a choice.” Flam grumbled. “What are you going to do on your own? You know that you can’t survive without me, nor without the Super Speedy Cider- I mean, the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000.” He laughed. “That’s a good one. We’re going to have to use that.”
Flim took a step back. Flam was right. How could he get along without him? They’d never been separated. Plus, what if this business really takes off? Do they have any other choice anyway? None of this made much sense to him. “Okay. I’ll help you out.” He decided.
Flam’s smile widened. “Excellent! First I want you to get some sleep while I work on refitting the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000 so it can actually squeeze ponies discreetly. I’ll see you in the morning!”
Climbing onto the machinery, Flim realized just how tired he actually was. He climbed into his chair, laid back, and quickly fell asleep.
-~-
The next morning, Flim was awoken by the sound of ponies gathered around the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000. Flam was still asleep, surely exhausted from a night full of hard work. The bacon maned stallion quickly got to his hooves in order to answer any of the ponies’ questions.
“Ladies and gentlecolts!” He announced. “My name is Flim, and I own this here machine. I’ll answer any questions you may have!”
A pegasus stallion with a strong drawl asked the first question. “What does this here dohickey do?”
Flim grinned. “It makes juice! The best tasting juice you’ll ever have the opportunity of purchasing!”
A murmur made its way through the crowd and Flim took the chance to wake Flam. “We’ve got customers!” He called out.
Flam immediately jumped out of his chair and looked over the mass of ponies. “What are you waiting for? We’ve gotta get some juice squeezed!” He shouted at his brother.
The pair trotted into the alley back to the body of the mare. It wasn’t nearly as warm as it had been the night before, and it was stiff like a board. “Are you sure this is going to make an okay yield?” Flim asked.
“I have no idea!” The moustachioed pony responded. “Help me hoist it into the machine, I moved the entrance to the back so that the customers can’t see what we’re loading inside.”
Together they picked up the corpse with their magic and shoved it into the back of the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000. “I’ll turn it on!” Flim cheered. He bounced back to the front of the machine facing the crowd. “When I power this with magic,” he motioned towards a large antenna on the contraption, “Juice will pour out into this barrel! Then I’ll be able to take orders from ponies until we run out.” He clapped his hooves together. “Form a line! First come, first serve!”
Almost immediately the ponies that had gathered around the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000 began pushing and shoving eachother to be the first in line.
“Out of the way, dickface!” One shouted.
“Hey! That was my spot!” Another screamed.
The younger brother could hear Flam laughing from the back of the machine. “These Manehattan ponies are much more colorful than the ponies back in Ponyville!” Then he heard a clunking noise. “She’s all loaded up! Let her rip!”
“Are you ready everypony?” Flim yelled.
A line had been formed. Not a single file line, but a line regardless. “Yes!” Everyone cheered.
The unicorn took off his hat and began charging his magic.
“Bing!”
The glow began to get brighter.
“Bang!”
Even brighter…
“ZAM!”
With a green surge of energy aimed at the antenna, the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000 began its work. In Ponyville the ponies were able to see what was going on inside of the mechanism, but Flam had fitted a piece of sheet metal to the window so that the Manehattaners could not see inside.
The ponies in the street cheered. Their excitement was awarded when a trickle of red-brown liquid began pouring into the barrel located at the end of the contraption. The trickle became a steady stream, until after a few minutes the flow came to a halt. Flim and Flam peered into the barrel and saw their own reflections.
“It’s only about half full!” Flim exclaimed.
Flam shook his head. “Well, it isn’t like the body was fresh or anything. Let’s just sell what we have and see how it does.”
Flim turned around and began to pander his product. “Who’s first to try Flim and Flam’s incredibly-full-of-energy energy drink?” He shouted enthusiastically. Grabbing a mug, he turned the tap and filled it with the juice. It smelled metallic and musty.
“Oh! Pick me!” An excited young stallion called out.
“You there! Step up and buy a mug!” Flam yelled.
The stallion handed over a couple of bits and received his mug of the so-called energy drink. A big swallow later, and he was shaking. “Wowee! This stuff is strong! I feel like I can take on the world!” He exclaimed.
The crowd went wild.
“Give me some!”
“Take my bits!”
But suddenly, one pony was louder than all the rest. “What in tarnation is everybody hooting and hollering about?” She shouted.
Flam’s ears perked up. “I know that voice…” He grumbled.
“Could it be…?” Flim inquired.
The mare cut through the crowd, revealing herself. She had an orange coat and a blonde mane and tail. A brown cowgirl hat rested on her head, and a cutie mark of three apples emblazoned her flanks. “Applejack!” The two brothers gasped simultaneously.
“I thought I told you guys to never try and sell anything ever again!” The farmer pony yelled.
Flam shook his head and grinned. “No no, you told us not to sell anything in Ponyville ever again. This is Manehattan!”
The group of ponies was stirred up as two other ponies joined Applejack. They were her big brother Big Macintosh and the little filly Applebloom. “Hey Flam!” She called out to the moustachioed stallion.
“Don’t go talking to those yellowbellies Applebloom! They’re our rivals!” Applejack snapped at the yellow filly.
Silence fell over the crowd. They were too interested in the conflict taking place in front of them to say anything. Big Mac coughed.
“Well, why don’t you just leave our place of business and forget this ever happened?” Suggested Flam, rather menacingly. A shiver went down Applejack’s spine.
Applejack snorted. “Fine! But don’t expect us just to forgive you for what went down yesterday!”
“Wait!” Applebloom yelled. “I wanna try some of their cider again!”
Flim and Flam smiled together in unison. Applejack’s face filled with disgust. “You want to do what?” She asked in disbelief.
“I want some more of their cider,” She said again. “I really liked it the last time.”
“But-” Applejack stuttered. Before she could continue, Flim interrupted her.
“We don’t peddle in cider anymore, dear Applebloom! But we do sell top-of-the-line incredibly-full-of-energy energy juice!” The young stallion explained.
“Whatever it is, I’ll take it!” said Applebloom, as she was handed a mug of the red liquid. She took a swig, coughed, then started jittering. “Oh sweet Celestia! This stuff is amazing!”
Flam came in close to her. “Why don’t you come on by later this evening so we can give you some more? That way Applejack won’t be there to stop you.” He whispered into her ear.
“You got a deal!” She whispered back.
-~-
Later that evening, the streets were emptier than before once again. The two brothers chatted merrily in their chairs atop the Super Speedy Pony Squeezy 6000. They had sold all of the pony juice from that morning very quickly and made a huge profit. Not that they had any expenditures anyway.
Soon they heard what sounded like frantic running down the street. “Who do you think that is?” Flim asked his older brother. All Flam could answer with was a shrug. The source of the hoofsteps was Applebloom, who found herself in front of the wooden machinery and below the two unicorn stallions. “Howdy!” She greeted. “I’m here for more energy drink!” “Well you’re just in time!” Flam called back. “Come on up here, we’ve got a whole barrel with your name written on it!” He smiled and winked at Flim, who looked worried. The younger brother quaked, “Are you sure about this?” But before the mustachioed stallion could answer, Applebloom was standing in front of the two brothers. “Where is it?” She asked excitedly. Flam smiled at her. “It’s back in this alley! We had to keep it back here to make sure that we didn’t sell it today. Follow me, right this way!” Together the three climbed off of the contraption into the dark alleyway. “Right through this door here!” The older brother opened the door and pushed Applebloom inside. “Hey!” She huffed. “What was that for?” Flim turned on the singular light and closed the door behind him. Applebloom took a long look around the room. The entire room was constructed out of concrete. The floor and ceiling were concrete slabs and the walls were concrete bricks. It was dull and grey, and very cold. There was a metal table in the middle of the room, one like Applebloom had seen in the butchers’ place a couple of times. Under it were a couple of metal tubs. Next to the table was another smaller metal table. This one was covered with all sorts of blades; big knives, small knives, serrated saws, and even a sword. Flam saw the worry and surprise written all over Applebloom’s face. He laughed. “Aw, don’t like what you see? Don’t worry, you won’t see it for much longer.” The mustachioed unicorn articulated. The yellow filly shivered. Half from fear, half from it simply being cold in the small room. She got to her hooves and tried to run. Flim saw this coming and galloped after her. In a few seconds the chase was over, Applebloom tackled and brought to the ground. “Let me go!” She screamed. “Applejack! Big Mac! Help!” “Sorry my dear, but they can’t hear you from all the way in here.” said the younger brother. “Besides, they couldn’t help you anyway.” He hoisted the filly off of the ground with his magic and onto the metallic table. The table had been fitted with restraints, and with some help from his older brother, Flim had her belly up on top of it. Her hooves were strapped down tightly so that she could not move them no matter how much she struggled. Tears began to flow down Applebloom’s face. The table was cold on her back and she tried to lift herself up, but her limbs tired out quickly. Her weak struggles were no use and only added to her pain. “Shall we get started, dear brother?” Flam asked. “Certainly!” responded Flim. The pair used their magic to select whichever blade suited their fancy. Flam began to explain what was going to happen. “The main thing we need to do, Flim, is remove the stomach, liver, intestines, and kidneys. The rest I believe is fine for consumption. But those parts taste like shit. Literally.” Flim nodded with understanding. He took his small blade and cut a vertical incision from the bottom of Applebloom’s ribcage to her pelvis. Then he finished the incisions by cutting two horizontal cuts to form an I shape. Flam used his magic to open the flaps of skin and muscle. The entire time, Applebloom twitched and gasped in pain. Her pain receptors had never had to deal with something as traumatic as this before. But it only got worse once Flam began using magic to unravel her intestines. The feeling was sickening. The filly felt empty inside, and every time she involuntarily opened her eyes she saw the mustachioed stallion handling her innards like they were a really long noodle. Eventually he untangled the entire length and used a knife to cut them from the stomach and rectum. A satisfying sloppy sound followed him dumping the organ into one of the metal bins below. Blood ran out of the incision in her belly in a steady flow due to the messy knife work of the stallions. Applebloom began seeing black spots in her vision and her eyes flew wide open. With a single cut, her stomach was out. The same with her kidneys, only two cuts were needed to remove those along with a little magical force to throw them into the bin. Her liver was a bit trickier to get out, as the large organ was connected to many arteries and veins. As the two stallions tried to remove the organ, Applebloom lost more blood, and she began to slip under. Finally, she lost too much of the red liquid. She was gone for good. So was her liver, and it was tossed in the bins with her other abdominal organs. “Well Flim, I think you did a very good job!” Flam cheered. Flim didn’t respond. He was shocked that he and his brother were able to kill another pony, but at the same time he liked how he felt. The adrenaline rush was incredible. The younger brother was shaking and couldn’t stop smiling. He giggled. “Yeah, I did do pretty good!” He finally responded. “There you go! I was worried I lost you there for a moment!” The mustachioed stallion chimed. “Why don’t we load her up into the machine and-” He was interrupted by a knock on the door. The two fell silent. “Applebloom? Are you in there?” A familiar voice called. “Applebloom?” They said again. Flam approached the door cautiously, clutching a large knife with his magic. The door swung open, revealing that Applejack and Big Macintosh were standing there with worry on their faces. Applejack’s glare fell immediately on the disemboweled body of her little sister. “Applebloom!” Then she looked at Flim. “You!” She shouted. Flim was covered with blood from head to hoof. The young stallion swallowed hard. Applejack began to charge, but was caught off guard by Flam. The unicorn pony stabbed her in the side near her flank with the knife and turned it. The farmer screamed. “Fuck!” Flam didn’t realize that Big Macintosh was present as well, however. Big Mac charged at the moustachioed brother and kicked him in the chest. He was sent flying across the room and fell into a crumpled mess at the bottom of the wall. “Flam!” Flim shouted. Applejack still had fight in her and approached Flim. She punched him square in the muzzle, breaking it with a sickening crack. The bacon maned stallion was defeated easily after witnessing his brother go down, and he fell to the ground. “Uncle! Uncle!” He sobbed, holding his snout in his hooves. The two Apples shuffled toward him. With another kick from Big Mac, it was all over.