Vinyl Scratch Saves Equestria
It was an ordinary morning at Vinyl Scratch's mansion. That is, if you define morning as two o'clock in the afternoon, because badass bitches like Vinyl Scratch don't have to experience the excessive pain and monotony of mornings. After all, she'd spend all evening flaunting her quickscope skills on Xbox Live or competing in leet MLG competitions, wiping the floor with pathetic colts who dared oppose the gaming supremacy of the BUCKING AWESOME AND MLG VINYL SCRATCH, or as the players knew her, Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx.
Then for her night job, she DJ'd at only the best and most top-notch establishments and night clubs in Canterlot, often serving as Princess Luna's (peace be upon her) PERSONAL DJ, at parties with only the richest motherfuckers in Equestria. Occasionally Vinyl could look up from her disks, because she's a REAL Dj and not some poser try-hard foal with a Big-Macbook Air and an iTunes playlist, and see the most fine and vulnerable plots of the daughters of rich nobles with no immediate regrets, no sobriety, and no self-respect. It was perfect.
What's that? I didn't cover every part of the day? There's a time before the evening that you call "afternoon"? Yeah, Vinyl has a name for that which simultaneously allows me to explain her activities in less than a paragraph: FUCKING OCTAVIA TIME (interrupted with occasional bouts of eating, drinking mountain dew, and smoking weed). You might be asking though: "Why would someone as badass as Vinyl only settle for one mare?" Well you see, unsuspecting audience member, Octavia is like, TEN MARES ALL WRAPPED TOGETHER IN A SPICY BURRITO OF ORGASMIC PLEASURE. Sex with her would be like being pleasured by ten different chicks ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
FUCKING DETAILS. LET'S MOVE ONTO THE PLOT.
Vinyl woke up hungry exactly for that: Plot. Waking up underneath the covers atop her cloud-filled 10,000 bit mattress atop a gilded, platinum plated, sapphire composite mattress stand, she would have noticed that Octavia wasn't in the bed pleasuring her as she woke up because something else was pleasuring her: a smell. Not just any smell. Not a smelly smell that's smelly, but a great smell that smells more than great: it smelt orgasmic (the word that describes Vinyl's life). It was a smell better than flowers, better than the dankest kush.
"BACON!" she exclaimed as she bolted out of her bed with the speed of twenty-seven Harleys.
Quickly making her way down to the kitchen, Vinyl saw her girlfriend and her sweet, fat, round, bouncing plot at the stove, cooking the bacon. The uh... Octavia was cooking the bacon. Not her ass. THOUGH IT IS THAT HOT.
Octavia grabbed the handle with her mouth, for as amazing as she is, she is but a feeble earth pony without the godlike powers of Unicorns, and flicked the succulent, greasy, fat-covered, red and sizzling bacon in Vinyl's direction. Manifesting a plate out of Derpy knows where, Vinyl caught it and ate it WITHOUT A FORK, BECAUSE SHE'S AN ADULT. It was so good, that it would even make Celestia and Princess Luna (peace be upon her) orgasm IN THEIR STOMACHS.
"Holy shit on a dick sandwich, Octavia, that bacon was fucking amazing! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF PONIES EAT BACON. But it didn't make me orgasm, because I'm that awesome. I might need... your help with that."
Suddenly, careless whisper played on the house speaker system. Octavia gave Vinyl a seductive smile, her eyes glazed with the glaze of anticipation of sheer pleasure. They were about to get this hot and sweaty show on the road, until the skies all of a sudden became dark: the moon was up.
"What the hell!?" Vinyl yelled, "It's not evening yet! I haven't fucked Octavia yet! Luna (peace be upon her) better bring this moon down, or I'm not DJ-ing for her mooniversary party. This shit is unacceptable."
Octavia opened her mouth to give input, but Vinyl merely put a hoof forth and said "Shush. I'm an adult. I know best." As Vinyl pulled out her iPhone 10, suddenly Celestia teleported in the room.
Vinyl happily put down her cellphone. She now wouldn't have to go through the Princesses' stupid fucking phone tree. Those hold tones could use a lot more dubstep. Regardless, this was important. Vinyl needed to get this issue solved and get her time with Octavia in. She had an MLG no-scoping competition tonight, and she wasn't about to let an off day cost give her an average first place as opposed to a LANDSLIDE victory.
Celestia spoke. "Vinyl, there's no time. Princess Luna (peace be upon her) has transformed again into Nightmare Moon."
"Oh shit"
"Discord is having a wild acid trip and is evil again."
"Oh shit."
"Queen Chrysalis has begun an all-out offensive on Equestria, and is pushing back our forces a kilometer a second."
"Oh shit!"
"Tirek has escaped because we had to get Cerberus neutered."
"Oh shit!!"
"And Sombra is unexploded and took back the Empire."
"Don't worry, I can climb stairs."
"Ok. But also, BlueBlood has issued an all-out ban on bacon."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"And they're all working together."
Vinyl took a moment to recollect her breath. No more bacon? No. This was not a future she could stand by and let happen. "Princess Celestia, how do I save Equestria?"
Celestia drew a breath, dramatically looking out towards the distance as she spoke. "Without bacon to fuel them, and because they foolishly gave up the elements to a tree, the Mane 6 were easily incapacitated by Tirek. So, you are becoming an Alicorn Princess, and with your quickscoping skills, you can easily defeat this evil alliance and save the world."
Searching for what Celestia was looking at, it was fucking dark outside, what was there to look at? Vinyl simply said "Okay."
There was a huge flash of light, and Vinyl was lifted into the air. Magical aura swirled around her, and in another flash of bright white light followed by an earth-shaking bassdrop, Vinyl was now an Alicorn.
"O shit, I have wings now."
Suddenly, Octavia poked Vinyl's side.
"Vinyl, I'm... PREGNANT."
Vinyl was astonished, to say the least.. "HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?"
Celestia continued to stare dramatically into the distance. "There's no time. Let's fly to the castle."
"Ok"
And with that, they flew to the castle.
Landing in the room with all the stained-glass windows and shit, Celestia pulled out a weapons locker, revealing a gold-plated barrett .50 cal sniper rifle. Celestia looked dramatically out into the distance once more, her countenance alone enough to make a Shakespearean acting judge shit themselves in awe.
"This sniper rifle can only be wielded by the greatest quickscoper in Equestria. Hardscopers will burst into flames upon touching this rifle. Use it to fight the evil alliance..." she turned to Vinyl, ten times the drama held in her stare, "and SAVE EQUESTRIA."
Vinyl chuckled, this would be easy. Looking out an open window, she no-scoped the moon. The rifle let out a loud BASS DROP, and the moon FUCKING EXPLODED.
"Done." announced Vinyl, proudly loading another clip into the weapon. She turned to see Celestia give her a perplexed look.
"Nightmare Moon isn't on the moon. That's where she was banished a long time ago."
"Oh. Where is she?"
Another voice entered the room. "RIGHT BEHIND YOU."
Suddenly, Vinyl turned to see Nightmare Moon charging her horn. Quickly avoiding a lazer beam of death, Vinyl let off a quick-scope, letting out another dank-ass BASS DROP. There was a flash of light, and suddenly Nightmare Moon was once again Princess Luna (peace be upon her): The best pony in all Equestria aside from Alicron Princess Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx "Vinyl Scratch" I.
They were about to celebrate, until Celestia dramatically turned towards the distance and said "There's no time. Tirek and Discored are still out there."
"Ok"
So with that, Vinyl flew out of the room, smashing through all the stained-glass windows and having them within seconds rearranged to murals of her idols: Snoop Dogg and Nicolas Cage.
Flying through the air of the once-more sunny skies of Equestria, Vinyl knew she needed to charge her quick-scoping powers to face Tirek. "I need some dank..." she muttered to herself as she rolled a joint. While flying. At 420 miles per hour. Conveniently, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and all the Changelings were in one line fighting Equestria's forces. They were HARDSCOPING Equestria's royal guard.
"Weak ass shit..." Vinyl murmured as she took her position beside the battle. This had to be a well timed quick-scope. Taking another puff from her joint, she felt it. She couldn't explain it, but perhaps the kush indeed had aided her timing. Letting of a quickscope and another dank-ass bass-drop, the shot piereced through Sombra. And Discord. And Chrsyalis. And all the Changelings. They were dead. The entire royal guard then got high to celebrate, all taking hits from Shining Armor's amazing bong.
Vinyl was about to finish her joint, until suddenly a magical blast knocked her on the ground. It was Tirek and Blueblood. And Tirek was at full power once more.
"You fool..." Blueblood began.
Vinyl staggered to get up. "I... I don't understand. How could Tirek be that strong? He hasn't sapped any magic..."
The evil duo let out a burst of laughter. Tirek began talking in his super badass voice. "What do you think happened to all the bacon in Equestria? Oh, and this is just the result of the power of bacon. Once I smoke ALL of your dank, no force in the universe shall stop me."
Vinyl finished her dank. While Tirek was laughing in his own glory, Vinyl no-scoped him. He exploded.
Blueblood fell to his knees like a little bitch. "Please, don't quickscope me! I only did it for attention!"
"You want attention?" Asked Vinyl. Blueblood looked up at her. "Here you go." The best Alicorn in Equestria handed Blueblood her rifle. "Shoot me, and take the glory. Be the hero, or villain, you always wanted to be." She smiled.
Blueblood's a stupid shit, so he picked up the rifle, and put the scope to his eye. A hard-scope. Typical for a pleb like him. With that, he combusted into a mass of blue flames. He was then dead.
"Looks like Blueblood's been boiled." Vinyl remarked as she walked off into the sunset. Evening was approaching. Looks like she's have to fuck Octavia DURING the MLG competition. AGAIN.
The End
Author's Note
So, I wrote this sleep last night at 4 in the morning: sleep high and possibly intoxicated. I had little to no recollection of what I wrote. I just finished reading this whole thing. So with that...
Next flash troll-fic will be "Spike Becomes a Jihadist".
