Chapters "Beatrix Lulamoon, for the crimes of insurrection, slavery, use of dark magic, abuse of foals, interdiction of transit, destruction of public property, sexual harassment and generally being an incredibly unpleasant pony I hereby sentence you to six months of community service."
Silence reigned in the courtroom in the wake of Princess Twilight Sparkle's verdict. Trixie blinked, not sure if she had heard correctly. Twilight looked at her anxiously.
"Did I do that right? It's not too harsh of a punishment, is it?!"
The miniature purple dragon sitting in the smaller throne at Twilight's side slapped the palm of one clawed hand into the middle of his face. Trixie opened her mouth to say something, thought better of the idea and shut it again. After a few seconds thought she reopened it and said in a carefully neutral tone of voice, "No, your Grace. Trixie accepts her punishment and thanks your Grace for her just and merciful sentence."
Twilight looked relieved. "Oh good. I was worried for a second there."
Trixie stood stock-still, not quite believing her good fortune. She plucked up her courage just enough to ask, "And what will Trixie's service consist of?"
Princess Twilight Sparkle looked startled.
"Oh, I hadn't actually thought of that."
More draconic face-palming. Trixie spared the drake an annoyed look, hoping against hope that he wasn't about to ruin things at the last minute.
Twilight ignored the exchange. Suddenly her face brightened.
"I know! It's Bookfest Day at the library soon, kicking off Book Month, my first official holiday. I'm sure Spike could use some help with that."
"Twilight," the dragon said in a patient voice with a just barely plausibly deniable undertone of sarcasm. "The library got blown up, remember?"
Twilight seemed to wilt. "Oh. Right."
"Wait a second," called a scratchy, tomboyish voice from out in the gallery. "You mean she did all that and she gets to walk away with just six months of community service?!"
Twilight turned to look at the speaker. "Actually Rainbow Dash, if I can't think of anything else for her to do I might have to just let her off with a suspended sentence."
Rainbow Dash made a choking sound. Trixie's heart thumped in her chest. Was it really possible?
Another voice chimed in and doused Trixie's hopes like a sudden downpour. "Actually Twi, Ah can think of some things on the farm that need doing. Wouldn't hurt to have an extra set of hooves to help out with that."
Trixie turned to stare in horror at the Stetson-wearing earth pony who had made the suggestion. The farm mare smiled and returned the look with a distinctly unpleasant glint in her eye.
Twilight on the other hand looked pleased as punch. "It's settled then! Thank you Applejack for volunteering your help to the court."
"Tweren't nothing Twi," she replied, giving Trixie a smirk as she did. Trixie sputtered to come up with a response.
"Wait!"
Twilight turned to regard her. "Yes, Ms Lulamoon?"
"You can't be serious! Trixie isn't at all suited for farm labor!"
"You did say that you worked on a rock farm!" the annoyingly perky pink earth pony with the poofy mane chirped from next to the farm pony. "And Papa Pie says you were really good at it once he broke you of your flashy habits and entitlement complex!"
Trixie glared at the pink earth pony. Pinkie Pie smiled in reply as horrible memories of dirt and manual labor came flooding back to Trixie. Twilight looked thoughtful.
"Ms Lulamoon, if you wish to appeal the verdict you have that right. I will make arrangements for Princess Celestia to hear your case in Canterlot forthwith. I am certain she does not harbor any desire to make an example out of you for challenging her sovereignty while she was on diplomatic business abroad."
Trixie stared incredulously. Princess Twilight Sparkle looked back in what seemed like total sincerity.
"On second thought, Trixie is a mare of many talents and would welcome the chance to use them in the service of Appleseed's farm."
"Applejack," came the farm pony's annoyed correction. Trixie ignored her. Princess Twilight Sparkle looked pleased again.
"Excellent! Now that everypony has come to an agreement I hereby declare this case closed!"
She banged a gavel with her magic. Trixie slumped into her chair. It was going to be a long six months.
†
Appleseed was waiting outside the courthouse, which was really a sofa and quills store that Twilight had borrowed for her first official case dispensing justice as the Princess of Friendship. She was still grinning when she stopped talking to her blue pegasus friend and turned her attention to Trixie. Trixie felt a twinge in her stomach but put on a haughty face.
"Well, Trixie supposes you will be wanting to set a date for Trixie to begin her service? No doubt there are administrative and logistical arrangements to be made before—"
"Workday starts at 5:00 A.M. sharp. Show up late and you don't git no breakfast."
Trixie's face was a study in outrage. "5:00 A.M?!" she shouted in disbelief. "Why just getting to your wretched farm will take—"
"No time at all," Appleseed finished. "Got a pallet all set up for y'all in the barn."
"The barn?!" Trixie very nearly screamed. Even on the rock farm she'd had the spare bedroom to herself.
"Eyup," Appleseed said, clearly enjoying herself. "Clean straw and everythang."
Trixie was very close to being reduced to incoherent glubbing noises but she forced herself to retain her composure.
"Now look here, little hayseed. If you think you can just order Trixie to—"
"Unless of course you'd like ta try yer luck in Canterlot," Appleseed cut in again with a big shit-eating grin. Trixie fell silent. Appleseed gave her a wink.
"That's what Ah thought. Now git that soft flank of yours moving. We're burning daylight and Ah've still got chores that need doing today. Some ponies gotta work for a living."
Trixie trudged along after her new tormenter with the silence of a condemned mare marching to the scaffold.
†
"Well, looks like somepony finally done decided she weren't too good to chow down with the rest of us."
Trixie was doing an extremely good imitation of a zompony as she shambled into the Apple family dining room. Appleseed had on her usual smirk. Trixie made an unintelligible sound in reply.
"Ah'm a gonna assume that was yer belly rumbling, Miss Great and Powerful. Well settle yerself down at the table. We got ourselves some mighty fine vittles coming right up."
Trixie plopped herself down bonelessly into one of the indicated chairs. Some small part of her that was awake enough to be vindictive hoped the chair would break or at least creak, but it proved annoyingly sturdy. She heard Appleseed snigger behind her. Trixie had the uncomfortable impression that the earth pony had read her mind. She was putting together a snarky and probably ill-advised comeback when she caught a whiff of something that filled her mouth with enough drool to make speech unfeasible.
A yellow earth pony filly with a bright red mane walked in balancing a pitcher of apple juice. An old earth pony mare with a faded green coat trailed behind her. She was holding a saucer of what looked like butter but probably contained apples as well. Because everything on this stupid farm involved apples. Trixie had long since decided she hated apples. She decided to express her frustration obliquely.
"Where's breakfast? Trixie is starving!"
Appleseed gave Trixie an angry look and started to say something but Granny Smith beat her to the bunch.
"Now simmer down there Sally! Big Macintosh will be here with the pancakes in just a sec. Ain't that right Big Mac?"
"Eyup," came a baritone rumble from back in the kitchen. Trixie rolled her eyes and waited to be introduced to the last member of the hick clan chosen as her tormenters.
A god pony of heroic stature strode into the dining room balancing a enormous platter of steaming hot pancakes on his back. Trixie gaped as she watched the casual ripple of muscle and sinew under his chest. His coat was damp with sweat and clung to his exquisite man-meat in all the right places. When he reached the table and bent to put down the platter his mane flopped over to one side, droplets of water catching the light just enough to make it glitter like dew on spun gold. He nodded politely at the newcomer at the table.
Trixie was drooling for an entirely different reason now. She was vaguely aware of the annoying farm mare saying something that was probably stupid and apple-related but Trixie was far more interested in the bright green apples on those slabs of stallion flesh that had been sculpted into the shape of the finest flank Trixie had ever seen outside of her own mirror. This one by contrast was infinitely masculine in a perfectly equal and opposite counterpoint to her own magnificent hindquarters. Yes, Trixie thought, such beauty and sensual potency could only be adequately described in relation to Trixie's own amazing appearance.
The annoying pony said something else Trixie couldn't make out. Trixie ignored her and lifted a hoof to her face self-consciously. She was suddenly acutely aware of how dirty and unkempt her mane was after a few days spent alternately too tired and too busy to groom herself properly. The stallion turned calm eyes that bespoke of bottomless reserves of patience and fortitude to Trixie and the bedraggled unicorn found herself blushing as he rumbled, "Howdy, Miss Trixie."
Trixie's heart pounded. "Y-You know Trixie's name?" she stammered. She forced her usual confidence back into her voice. "Of course you do," she amended. "Trixie did not intend to imply that you are the kind of dullard who would be ignorant of the legend of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
As she spoke Trixie hopped up onto her chair, exhaustion vanishing as she stood upright on her hind legs while she threw her forehooves out in a grand theatrical gesture. Once the phantom fireworks in her head faded Trixie lowered herself to rest her hooves flat on the table in front of her.
"Which means you may well be the first stallion ever to have Trixie at a disadvantage," she purred, narrowing her eyes as she spoke. "Who are you and what, other than Trixie, are you doing on this dingy dirt clod of a farm?"
It was difficult to say who was more shocked. The glorious centaur of virility's reaction was subdued but immense, an earthquake compacted into a gesture. His eyes widened slightly and he looked to the annoying pony, who rolled her own eyes in response. The annoying filly looked confused.
The annoying old pony reacted first. She reached across the table with her cane and rapped it across one of Trixie’s hooves. She glowered fiercely and said in a cranky voice, “Get yer filthy hooves off my table, young filly! We Apples may be raised on a farm but under this roof we show proper manners!”
Trixie jerked her hoof back. This caused her to lose balance and tilt over sideways. She flailed uselessly in an attempt to stop what was probably going to be a painful spill but could already feel the nauseating sensation of freefall. Trixie closed her eyes and hoped that whatever injuries she was about to receive wouldn’t be on her face.
Her face did thud into something. It was firm but padded and utterly unlike the wooden floor of the Apple family homestead. Trixie kept her eyes squeezed shut for a few seconds longer until it dawned on her that the side of her muzzle was buried into something warm and covered with short, soft hairs. She slowly pulled back and looked up to see the face of the divine stallion looking down on her with a concerned expression. She looked backed down and realized he was cradling her in his forehooves. He had caught her.
“You alright ma’am?” the stallion rumbled, his bass voice carrying an undercurrent of concern that whisked Trixie’s heart out into deep waters.
Trixie looked back up. “But, how? You were...you jumped all the way over the table to get to Trixie?!” she asked as she realized what must have happened.
“Eyup,” came the placid reply.
Trixie’s head swam. “Nopony has ever—”
Words failed her. Trixie elected to snuggle her head against the big stallion’s chest instead. She felt him draw back a little but continued to press in, determined to show her gratitude and enjoy the moment. The sound of the persistently annoying pony clearing her throat ruined the moment.
“Trixie, what do you think yer doing?”
Trixie opened one eye enough to glare at Appleseed. “Trixie is showing her gratitude to this brave, strong stallion who unlike you is a perfect gentlecolt with many admirable qualities.” She sniffed. "Why such a specimen would be found around the likes of you Trixie hasn’t the slightest clue."
Trixie paused for a moment before continuing in an arch tone, "Trixie supposes your general lack of refinement and clear inclination towards dirty and unpleasant things might render you uniquely suited for performing services more self-respecting mares would not provide." She gave the big stallion another appreciative glance. "Hard as it might be to refuse him," she added suggestively.
For some reason Appleseed responded to the compliment with a glare. “Now wait just an apple-picking minute. Whaddya mean—”
She was interrupted by the sound of the old pony cackling. She nudged the paragon of masculinity's leg with her cane.
“Never fails, does it Big Macintosh?” she said with a wink. Big Macintosh looked uncomfortable. Trixie wondered why and decided to fix the problem by giving him more praise and attention. That always made ponies feel better.
"Trixie thanks you for your gallant assistance, Big Macintosh. Our hosts could stand to learn from a stallion as virtuous as you clearly are."
The awkward feeling grew stronger. Trixie decided to try diplomacy. She nodded to the annoyingly perky filly with the bow and said, "Wouldn't you like to have a special somepony like him one day?"
Big Macintosh made a choking sound. The filly looked horrified for a moment, then burst out into hysterical giggles. The old pony began to cackle shortly thereafter, and soon after that Appleseed's glare gave way to helpless guffaws. Trixie looked around in confusion, more than a little nonplussed. When it subsided a bit she tried again.
"Oh, Trixie apologizes, little filly. Have you really decided you are not interested in stallions at such a young age?" Trixie said very reasonably and with unimpeachable courtesy, having come to the most logical explanation possible.
For some reason that prompted even more laughter. Trixie was getting annoyed.
"What? Trixie does not see anything humorous about her making obvious inferences."
More laughter. The filly in particular seemed to be having difficulty breathing. After two or three fruitless attempts she managed to say, "He's mah brother!"
Trixie felt blood rush to her cheeks for an entirely different reason this time. She looked at the little hayseed in surprise.
"Trixie is surprised," she said matter-of-factly. "Why are you two in such a dismal and unpleasant place as this?"
"He's mah brother too," Appleseed said dryly, seeming unsure whether to be offended or amused but apparently deciding to default to the sardonic. "He lives here."
Trixie looked aghast. "On a farm?!" she said incredulously. "Working in the dirt?!"
"Eyup," Appleseed said, clearly having decided to go with amused. "That's why they call us earth ponies."
Trixie looked back up at her savior. "Trixie extends her deepest condolences," she said frankly. "She too knows what it is like to live among ignorant hicks who do not appreciate transcendent greatness when they see it."
For some reason the stallion looked at Trixie as if she had said something very insulting. He flexed his mighty forelegs and planted Trixie's rump back onto her chair. He turned and ambled around the table and took the remaining empty seat. Trixie admired the view from behind him, wishing the big stallion would move his tail enough to give her a glimpse of his penis. Trixie felt sure it would be as impressive as the rest of him.
An awkward silence settled once everyone was seated again. Trixie decided to continue her streak of sensitivity.
“Trixie is impressed, Appleseed,” she said agreeably. “One would never expect a pony as annoying as you to have such a handsome brother.”
Appleseed gave her an angry look. "Ah told you, mah name is—"
"Big Macintosh!" Trixie said, ignoring the ignorant little hayseed once more. "Why has Trixie not seen you about the farm before? Surely Trixie could not have failed to notice such a paragon of stallionhood for so long."
Big Macintosh continued to look uncomfortable. Trixie concluded that he must suffer from some condition that prevented his face from reflecting his true feelings. Unfortunate, but the Great and Magnanimous Trixie would not hold it against him. She decided to continue talking as the sound of Trixie's voice invariably made things better in all circumstances.
"What is Trixie saying? Obviously a specimen such you handles the more important business of administration and decision-making, leaving the menial chores to ones more suited for them by temperament."
"Mah temperament?!" Appleseed exclaimed. Trixie continued to ignore her. The perky filly spoke up again.
"Big Mac was out dealing with our new buyer!"
Trixie made a noise of polite comprehension. "Trixie understands. Of course such a handsome pony would have a silver tongue to match."
Appleseed was the one making the choking sound this time. She pushed her plate away and rose from her seat.
"Alright Miss Great and Powerful, that's bout enough. Chow time's over. Time to get a move on."
Trixie continued talking as if she hadn't heard. Which she had, of course, she simply found the incoherent buzzing sound annoying and felt utterly unsurprised to discover that the farmhouse had some sort of infestation.
“Now then, 'Big Macintosh,' Trixie—"
Something rough, thick and flexible fell over Trixie's head and tightened around her barrel. She looked down curiously to see a rope drawn taut across her chest. She was about to say something appropriately indignant when a sudden sharp tug pulled her out of her seat to land still seated on the floor. Trixie's lovely rump was receiving a quite the workout this morning. She turned her head to see Appleseed standing beside the now open front door with the end of that shabby lasso gripped in her mouth. Appleseed gave the rope another yank and Trixie half-bounced, half-slid across the dining room floor.
"Wait!" Trixie said as she was dragged towards the door. "Trixie is not finished!" Her eyes met Big Macintosh's.
"Call me!" she blurted. And then she was gone.
"What do you mean the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot use her Great and Powerful magic?!"
Trixie fumed at Appleseed. Appleseed appeared unimpressed.
"Ah said your magic scares the hogs. Last time they nearly stampeded. We've already done had one stampede nearly level Ponyville and Ah don't need no more trophies, thank you very much."
Trixie had no idea what that was supposed to mean. She had known Appleseed wasn't very bright, but could the farm pony really believe that she would receive a trophy if her livestock were to stampede through Ponyville? Not that there would be a stampede if the Great and Powerful Trixie were allowed to deploy her Great and Powerful magic to perform the job properly but that was beside the point. Trixie realized that Trixie must be dealing with either insanity or incalculable stupidity and that Trixie had best tread carefully. Trixie resolved to treat the pathetic creature before her with appropriate compassion and patience.
Appleseed made an annoying noise that sounded like an interrogative. Trixie realized the farm pony had been babbling unintelligibly for some time. Trixie gave the poor bumpkin a sympathetic look.
"Ah said, do you understand?"
Trixie nodded slowly and carefully, not wanting make any sudden moves that might confuse or startle the simpleton. Appleseed looked doubtful.
"Yer sure you got all that?"
"Of course," Trixie said pityingly.
Appleseed still looked suspicious, but she sighed and adjusted her hat.
"Well then, Ah got chores to do elsewhere. I'll leave you to it."
Trixie watched her go, feeling silently grateful for her own keen intellect. It would have been truly terrible to spend her life in such a dull haze of ignorance and stupidity, totally oblivious to the world around her.
Once Trixie was sure the other mare was out of earshot she twisted her face into an expression of exaggerated stupidity.
"Duuurrh, Ah'm Appleseed and Ah sure luv apples!" Trixie said in a flawless imitation of Appleseed and her stupid accent. Trixie especially congratulated herself on capturing the dumb earth pony’s utter lack of awareness with regards to nuance and how to hold a conversation.
Trixie continued in that vein as she stomped to the pigpen, her face contorting in ways so direly stupid that they looked unpleasant even on Trixie's beautiful face. Her tail swished back and forth as she did, imparting a tantalizing bounce to her flank that had long since become second nature to the showmare. That same reflex turned Trixie's angry stomp into a proud strut. By the time she reached the pigsty Trixie was sufficiently into stage mode that she threw the gate open with flourish and rose up on her hind legs, forehooves held out wide as if to welcome the applause of a throng of admirers.
The admirers in question turned out to be pigs. Snorting, mud-covered stout-bodied pigs. Trixie was rudely reminded of this when one of them slopped over and butted into her haunches, hard. Trixie yelped and fell over into the mud. The hog in question walked over her as she lay prone, stubby legs scrabbling rudely as she flailed about.
"Stupid porcine swine!" Trixie shouted non-redundantly. "How dare you-mppf!"
A muddy split-toed hoof landed in Trixie's open mouth. Trixie sputtered and horked indignantly once the pig stepped clear. She spat out something foul that she actually found herself hoping was only mud before another sputter fit landed her flat on her back with her legs splayed out in a manner that most colts would have had difficulty looking away from of their own accord. Trixie groaned, momentarily defeated.
Then the next hog stomped square on her belly as it made good its own escape. Trixie made a whoofing sound as the pig climbed over her as well, its floppy penis managing to slap her square in the face as it did. The other inhabitants of the pigpen followed suit. One porker after another trampled Trixie in their eagerness to obtain the blessings of freedom. By the time it was over Trixie was filthy, battered and had been given the opportunity to inspect at least two more sets of pig genitalia at close range. Female pig genitalia, Trixie was fairly certain.
Trixie lay in the mud, trying to backtrack the sequence of events that had brought her to this point in her life. A shadow fell over her. Trixie cringed and tried to move, but exhaustion and the sucking mud conspired to keep her in place. Trixie sighed, closed her eyes and resigned herself to further humiliation.
"Are you alright?" rumbled an ultra deep, ultra male voice.
Trixie's eyes snapped back open to see Big Macintosh's stolidly handsome face peering down at her. Trixie's voice caught in her throat and her thoughts froze. Fortunately an inability to think had never been something that prevented Trixie from talking, so she quickly recovered.
"Trixie would not have taken you for that kind of stallion, Big Macintosh."
Big Macintosh looked confused. Trixie pressed on.
"Standing there watching while Trixie is degraded by swine, growing ever more excited with each dirty bit. For shame. What would the neighbors think?"
Trixie half-closed her amethyst eyes and widened her hind legs suggestively.
"Not that Trixie minds, you understand," she continued huskily. "But if Big Macintosh wanted to see Trixie covered in mud, he could have just asked."
Trixie waggled her eyelids suggestively. Big Macintosh stared. Trixie licked her lips. Big Macintosh looked away. Trixie was confused.
"Trixie apologizes if Trixie was unclear," Trixie said after an awkward silence. "Trixie's intent was to invite Big Macintosh to mount Trixie right here in the mud, at this very moment," she explained helpfully.
Big Macintosh's ears twitched. "Eyup, Ah picked up on that."
"Oh good," Trixie said, relieved to confirm once again that Trixie had never made a mistake and had nothing to apologize for. "Well then. Does Big Macintosh wish Trixie to stand as he ruts her? Trixie is confident that Big Macintosh is more than long enough to take Trixie on her back without difficulty, but would of course not be so cruel as to deny Big Macintosh the chance to enjoy Trixie's magnificent flank."
Another long silence. Trixie worked to maintain her seductive expression. Finally she coughed.
"Trixie would be grateful if Big Macintosh were to assist Trixie in regaining Trixie's hooves," Trixie suggested.
Another lengthy silence. Then Big Macintosh bent down and grabbed Trixie's barrel with his forehooves and lifted her out of the mud with no discernable difficulty. Trixie's heart fluttered in her chest as she was held aloft by the stallion's great strength. She made it a point to brush her tail sensually across Big Macintosh's muzzle to show her gratitude as he planted Trixie back on the ground upright. She turned back to face him, expecting him to be wild with lust and eager to get started, but the only expression she could see Big Macintosh's face was mild annoyance as he wiped off a bit of mud that had gotten there somehow. Trixie felt another moment of confusion, but she dismissed it as she realized the stallion must wish to engage in some foreplay first. How nice of him to be so solicitous of Trixie's pleasure as to take the time to clean himself up a bit before going muzzle to muzzle. Yes, this stud was definitely a keeper.
"Well then," Trixie said before another pause could ensue, "shall Trixie and Big Macintosh rut here or would Big Macintosh rather relocate to someplace more private? "
"Ah'm not going to mount you, Miss Trixie," Big Macintosh said in an annoyed rumble.
Trixie's muzzle fell open in shock and her eyes grew so wide they seemed likely to come rolling out of their sockets.
"But Big Macintosh is being offered the chance to engage in sexual intercourse!" she ejaculated in disbelief. "With Trixie! And likely many times!"
"Ah don't want to have sex with you, " Big Macintosh said firmly.
Trixie stammered, totally incapable of processing what she had just heard. "That's impossible! " she blurted. "How?! "
"Ah was there when you took over Ponyville and Ah saw how you done treated everypony," Big Macintosh continued, anger creeping into his voice. "Ah don't want nothing to do with no pony who acts like that, especially not towards somepony as sweet as Miss Fluttershy."
"Who?" Trixie asked blankly. That seemed to make Big Macintosh even angrier for some reason.
"The one you made dress up in Miss Rarity's bedroom socks line and prance around for you," Big Macintosh said flatly.
"Oh yes," Trixie said in dawning recognition. "The one Trixie had picked for Trixie's harem but who vanished before Trixie could summon her to Trixie's bed chamber for the night. Such a missed opportunity..."
Trixie coughed suddenly. "That is, Trixie means that Trixie was under the influence of dark magic at the time and that Trixie cannot be held responsible for Trixie's actions, for which Trixie is very sorry and has already apologized for. Surely Big Macintosh can find it within his enormous heart to forgive Trixie?"
Trixie tried to give him a pleading look but the closest she could come was a half-hopeful, half-nervous expression. Big Macintosh snorted.
"Ah ain't interested. If you've got something important to ask about the work let me know, otherwise Ah don't want to talk to you."
With that he turned and walked away, flank muscles hardened by a lifetime of farm labor rippling beneath his hide. Tears welled in Trixie's eyes as for the first time in her life Trixie felt the shame of being reproached by somepony whose opinion actually mattered.
Author's Note
Yeah, I know it's kinda short. I have been very busy with Chinese immersion this summer and this chapter was written in short desperate bursts when I just had to come up for air.
"Whatcha doing?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has elected to favor Apple Blossom with a display of her amazing magical prowess," Trixie explained proudly.
Apple Bloom chewed on that as she fidgeted atop the crate Trixie had levitated her up onto. Finally she said, "Why?"
"Trixie feels that Trixie should display Trixie's humble and beneficent nature to correct erroneous prevailing opinions about Trixie's character."
Apple Bloom puzzled over that for a moment, then said. "Miss Great and Powerful Trixie?"
"Yes Apple Blossom?"
"What's 'erroneous' mean?"
For some reason Trixie stopped what she was doing, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again she was smiling. Apple Bloom thought the smile looked kind of strange.
"It means wrong. Mistaken. In error. Such as the negative things some ponies believe about Trixie."
Apple Bloom brightened. "Oh, you mean like how you're an egotistical jerk who spends her time in small towns like Ponyville so you can feel like a bigshot even though normally no pony would think that you were anything special?"
Trixie gritted her teeth but nodded. "Yes."
"And how you're a power mad petty tyrant who started acting like a schoolyard bully at recess the moment she got her hooves on some real magic and got off way too easy just because Princess Twilight is too nice for her own good?"
Trixie took another deep breath. "Yes," she said from behind clenched teeth.
"And how the only way you could have gotten into Princess Celestia's school for unicorns is if your family pulled a whole buncha strings or else you must have been spreading yer hind legs for every—"
"Yes Apple Blossom, those are the opinions Trixie was referring to!" Trixie shouted, very loudly. "They are mistaken impressions and Trixie wishes to correct them!"
Apple Bloom was quiet for about fifteen seconds. Then she said, "But how is puttin' on a magic show for me gonna do that?"
"Trixie is glad you asked," Trixie said happily. "Once you have been amazed by Trixie's feats of magical ability you will go about your business happy and delighted. Ponies such as your brother will note this and ask why. You will excitedly tell them about how Trixie deigned to give you an exclusive performance out of the goodness of Trixie's heart and he will realize that his initial impression of Trixie was in error and Big Macintosh will come to see how generous and wonderful Trixie is!"
Apple Bloom's eyes grew steadily wider as the monologue proceeded. "What's mah brother got to do with this?" she asked, clearly confused. "Ah thought you said this was about all ah Ponyville?"
Trixie snorted. "As if Trixie cares about this little hayseed—yes of course that is what Trixie meant. Trixie was simply using Apple Blossom's brother as an example."
"Oh." Apple Bloom thought about it some more. "Okay."
Trixie busied herself with something behind the makeshift stage which normally served as some sort of gazebo. After a good deal of tinkering and some angry words that Apple Bloom didn't recognize Trixie gave a satisfied "Hah!" and rose. She turned back to Apple Bloom with a confident smirk. Her horn lit up and two spotlights of multi-colored lights shone out of nowhere onto the stage. They roamed about seemingly at random for several seconds before turning pure white and focusing on Trixie. Trixie stood out in perfect relief amidst the evening shadows. The rest of the stage faded into the half light by contrast. Trixie threw her platinum mane back haughtily before speaking in a dramatic voice.
"Little Apple Blossom, in olden days before the harmonious reign of Celestia there was only WAR!"
A series of sparkling streaks came flying up from behind the gazebo. They burst in the air, illuminating the stage with pulses of light. Trixie continued.
“The three tribes of ponies were locked in ceaseless conflict. Hatred spread across the land as—”
Apple Bloom raised her hoof. Trixie paused. “Yes, Apple Blossom?” she said in a weary tone.
“Princess Twilight said that the Three Tribes period was characterized far more by economic coercion an’ extortionist trade policies than actual warfare, with each of the tribes being locked together in a hostile but inextricably intertwined system which left them too mutually dependent to attempt to conquer one another militarily.”
Trixie stared at her. “What?”
Apple Bloom continued to look at Trixie with those big, innocent eyes. “Like, the pegasi and the unicorns used their respective control over the weather and the diurnal cycle to force the earth ponies to give them crops as tribute, but the earth ponies kept the tribute low enough and spread over a long enough period of time to prevent the other tribes from accumulating sufficient stockpiles of food to make going to war a viable option.”
Trixie blinked. Apple Bloom stared back.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle is dumb,” Trixie said finally.
Apple Bloom gasped. “But she lived in a library an’ read all them books!” she protested.
Trixie rolled her eyes. “History is written by the victors, little Apple Blossom. Think about it. Where did Twilight Sparkle go to school?”
“Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns,” Apple Bloom said promptly.
“And who was her teacher?”
“Princess Celestia,” Apple Bloom said confused. “Everypony knows that.”
Trixie nodded sagely. “And who replaced the leaders of the three tribes?”
“Princess Celestia,” Apple Bloom said slowly. “But that was way later, after the Windigos. Once they unified the leaders of the three tribes invited the princesses to be their rulers cus they were alicorns and represented all the kinds of ponies.”
Trixie scoffed. “Why ever would they do that? What politician would ever invite foreigners to simply come in and take their place? Clearly the story in Twilight Sparkle’s history books is a fabrication created by Princess Celestia to hide the grim truth of how she acquired her throne!”
Apple Bloom’s eyes were wide as saucers as she processed what she was hearing. “But Miss Trixie, how do you know all this?”
Trixie sniffed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has learned many secrets long forgotten in her studies at the outer boundaries of known pony magic. How do you think Trixie learned of the Ali—” Trixie coughed. “Trixie has learned many secrets,” she finished lamely. “Great and Powerful secrets!”
The silence dragged awkwardly. Trixie tried again.
“Now, would Apple Blossom like to hear more of Trixie’s Great and Powerful story? There will be fireworks,” she promised.
Apple Bloom perked up. Fireworks sounded like a great way to get a cutie mark.
†
“I have a huge penis,” Big Macintosh thought.
It wasn't something he was especially proud of. It wasn't like he'd done something special to make the danged thing grow until it was thicker than some of the orchard's trees back during his adolescence. He certainly didn't think less of ponies not so well endowed as himself, or even the ones like Filthy Rich and Caramel whom equine biology had seen fit to play a cruel prank upon. Still, if pressed he would have to admit to a certain quiet gratitude for the sense of security his large member brought him. It hadn't escaped his attention that many colts had lingering doubts stemming from the size of their genitals and an instinctive need to preemptively defend their masculinity. Taking pride in all his hard work on Sweet Apple Acres and lending a helping hoof whenever his neighbors were in need would have been so much harder if deep down he had to contend with the knowledge that the whole thing was an elaborate way of saying, "Don't look at my penis."
It seemed awfully unfair that mares didn't have to worry about that sort of thing, come to think of it. He felt a bit guilty at the thought, but some part of him wondered what the world would be like if female members of the community had to worry about how the size of some dangling hunk of flesh affected the way others viewed them and judged their relative attractiveness. It would definitely be a very different place from Equestria, that was for sure and certain.
Big Macintosh shook the thought from his head. The only fleshy bits that should be hanging off a mare's body were her teats, and Big Macintosh didn't want to meet the fellow who got excited over the sight of crotch boobs.
A gigantic fireball went screaming across the sky in a zigzag pattern. It landed somewhere with an enormous crash. Big Macintosh sighed, stopped what he was doing and began moseying over to survey the damage.
When he got there Trixie was on her back again atop a pile of broken lumber. Parts of it were still smoldering. Apple Bloom was standing a nearby covered with soot. Her face was screwed up as if she was trying to figure out what to do next. She looked up when Big Macintosh's shadow fell over her.
"Big Mac!" she shouted loudly enough that he folded his ears back defensively.
"Are you alright?" Big Macintosh rumbled once the ringing started to fade.
"Ah'm fine!" Apple Bloom said enthusiastically. "Miss Trixie broke mah fall."
Big Macintosh shook his head and walked over to check on their troublesome guest worker. Trixie was mumbling something incoherent and seemed to have trouble focusing on anything. Big Macintosh knelt down to check for injuries. He had just assured himself that her skull wasn't broken when her amethyst eyes focused on his face.
"You alright Miss-" he began. He was cut off abruptly when Trixie wrapped her forehooves around the back of his head in a death grip and kissed him with hungry, desperate passion. Big Macintosh reared back reflexively. Trixie clung to him as he did and found herself hauled upright. She wrapped her hind legs around his chest to improve her grip.
"Mmpff!" Big Macintosh said behind the suction of Trixie's lips. He shook back and forth but she clung to him like a lamprey. Finally he gave a mental sigh and waited for her to get tired.
A minute passed. It stretched into two. After an interminable amount of time Trixie finally came up for air. Big Macintosh interposed one of his own forehooves while she sucked in air. When she was done Trixie started in for another kiss. Big Macintosh held her back gently but firmly. Trixie stopped struggling and smiled at him happily instead. Big Macintosh stared back stolidly. Trixie sighed in utter contentment.
They held the pose for awhile. Big Macintosh found it intensely uncomfortable. He cleared his throat. Trixie perked up eagerly.
"Ah find your behavior inappropriate and unwelcome, Miss Trixie."
Trixie froze. She looked around and seemed to notice her surroundings for the first time. She looked back to Big Macintosh.
"We are not in Trixie's wagon?" she asked.
"Nope."
"And Big Macintosh did not wake Trixie up to confess his love and adoration for her?"
"Nope."
"And the epic seafaring adventure in which Trixie rescued Big Macintosh from the Dread Pirate Gumdrop Giggles who had abducted Big Macintosh to serve as her concubine and stud to her crew was only a dream?"
"Eyup."
Trixie took all that in.
"...Oh."
Trixie let go of Big Macintosh and looked sheepish. Big Macintosh glared at her.
"What happened this time?"
Trixie suddenly looked all shifty-eyed. "Trixie was practicing a routine. Some parts of it require refinement to avoid overwhelming Trixie's future audiences to an unbearable degree."
Big Macintosh looked at her dubiously.
"Ah'll go get Granny Smith's medicinal kit," he said finally. "Ah'll meet you in the barn. Apple Bloom, help her get there and keep an eye on her in case she's hurt and doesn't know it."
With that he left. Trixie watched him go wistfully.
"Uhm, Miss Great and Powerful Trixie?" came a voice from nearby. "Thanks for not ratting me out for messing with yer fireworks. And for grabbing me on the way down."
Trixie smiled down at her. "You are welcome, Apple Bloom."
†
Luna swept into Celestia's solar ten minutes after Celestia had begun breakfast.
"Begone, dutiful servants," she said imperiously. "Your Princess of the Night must needs speak privately with Our dear sister."
Celestia raised an eyebrow. The servants looked at Celestia uncertainly. She nodded to them with a gentle smile. They bowed their heads and left without a word.
Celestia waited. Luna waited. Immortals tended to be good at that. But only one of them had recently spent a thousand years alone on the moon. Celestia broke first.
"Good morning Luna," she said calmly.
"The morning's light reveals many things," Luna declaimed grandly. "Not all of which should be revealed."
The words hung in the air. Celestia coughed. Luna looked awkward for a moment before continuing.
“It would seem that your propaganda has not been as successful as imagined,” she said grimly.
“Come again?” Celestia said. She cocked her head to one side quizzically.
Luna ground her teeth and tried again.
“”You recall perhaps that Dame Applejack has a younger sister?”
Celestia nodded. “Apple Bloom. Darling filly. She and her friends took part in Cadance’s wedding, I believe.”
Luna coughed awkwardly. “Yes, well, I would not know. In any case, this past night I visited her dreams and learned of grave tidings.”
Celestia stiffened at that. Ponyville had always been a magnet for trouble, and any trouble for the Apple family was sure to affect her faithful student as well. “Go on.”
“It would seem somepony has unearthed the true history of how we gained our crowns, sister.”
Celestia gasped.
“Indeed sister,” Luna continued grimly. “I was unable to ascertain the identity of the culprit during the course of my rounds, but the scenario in the filly’s dream was far too accurate to be a coincidence.”
Celestia was quiet for some time. Finally she said, “All books and documents relating to that time should have been expunged or altered ages ago. I saw to it myself. If somepony has managed to put the truth together from whatever scraps I may have missed then they can only be a genius and a mastermind of the highest caliber.”
Luna nodded. “Our thoughts as well. It can be no coincidence that this narrative has surfaced in Ponyville of all places, so recently relinquished to your student as her personal domain.”
“And therein lies the problem,” Celestia said, unconsciously falling back on the formal speech patterns another age as the weight of the situation sank in. “Twilight will of a certainty notice if we seek with a heavy hoof, and Twilight has never failed to investigate that which piques her curiosity. I…would fain not see her reaction to that part of my past. I had thought it long behind me.”
“And I as well,” Luna agreed. “I ask that you let me and mine handle the investigation. There are those among the thestrals whose discretion can be considered inviolate.”
Celestia hesitated before nodding her acquiescence. “It would seem that we have few options. Good hunting Luna. Remember, we need to both find whoever is spreading these tales and learn who else they might be in partnership with.”
“Verily,” Luna said firmly. “I trust the instruments of painful interrogation are yet stored in some secure dungeon?”
Celestia winced at the thought. “Verily,” she confirmed sadly. She turned her face back to the window and the light of the morning sun. “I had thought that time was behind us once and for all.”
Luna walked over and wrapped a comforting wing around her sister.
“That day will come. For now we must ensure that all we have worked for does not come to naught.”
"Trixie, there ain't no such thang as ninjas."
"But Trixie saw them!" Trixie insisted. "They were very stealthy, but Trixie's mastery of illusion and legerdemain allowed her to see through the deception. Trixie knew that they were up to no good and that it was her duty to see to the safety of the Apple family and so she spent the entire evening investigating. And that is why Trixie was unable to finish her chores."
Appleseed stared at Trixie. Trixie lifted her head proudly as she finished explaining how she had put the Apple family's welfare first. Finally Appleseed said in a deadpan voice, "And this didn't have nothing to do with Big Macintosh doing his calisthenics down by the waterhole?"
"Trixie did not even know Big Macintosh was there until Trixie was in the tree with her binoculars and the camera," Trixie assured her.
Appleseed sighed. "Look Trixie, you ain't the first mare to go all gaga over mah brother. Usually it just washes off his back. But you done pissed him off something fierce with the way you treated us. And between you and me, sugarcube? That ain't easy to do."
"But Trixie said she was very sorry!" Trixie wailed.
Appleseed snorted. "And is that gonna make the pictures of Fluttershy in dem socks and dat saddle vanish from the tabloids over in Manehattan?"
Trixie blinked. "Trixie did not take any pictures!" she protested. "Trixie had the real thing!"
Appleseed rolled her eyes. "Trixie, Ah get that you ain't real big on payin' attention to ponies that ain't you, but lemme try and walk you through this one. Fluttershy is a right pretty mare. She used to be a super famous model. There are ponies in Ponyville who know that and have cameras. You weren't keeping track who was around while you were making her dance because you were crazier than usual from playing Queen Sombra with the amulet. Don'tcha think that somepony might have taken the chance to snap a few candids so they could sell em later? Ain't like folks round these parts aren't used to crazy thangs happening and then blowin' over."
Trixie took that in. "But...if that were true why wouldn't these voyeurs have focused their attention on Trixie and Trixie's magnificent flank?"
Appleseed face-hoofed. "Trixie, I'm gonna try to explain this real simple. Fluttershy is more famous than you and she has a whole lot more fans."
"That's impossible!" Trixie blurted indignantly.
"Oh really?" Appleseed said dryly. "How many times have you saved Equestria."
Trixie started to say something then stopped. After a moment's thought she said, "Define 'saved Equestria."
Appleseed gave Trixie a look.
"The filly was very grateful to have Trixie performing at her cutecenaera and nopony else could have served as entertainment on such short notice!" Trixie said defensively.
"Right," Appleseed said. She looked like she was working very hard not to roll her eyes. "I'ma interpret that as 'not very many."
"But Trixie is also famous!" Trixie insisted. "Very famous!"
"How often have advertisements with yer face been plastered on billboards and flown around by pegasi?"
Trixie started to say something. Appleseed cut her off.
"Without you putting them there."
That stopped whatever Trixie was going to say. Appleseed continued.
"You been in a lotta fancy magazines?"
Trixie brightened. "Technically?"
Appleseed groaned for some reason. "Never mind. Ah don't wanna know."
"But Trixie's flank was rated-"
"Ah said Ah don't want to know," Appleseed said firmly. "Ah hear enough about that sorta thang when some of Applebloom's classmates get it into their heads to come spy on me when Ah'm bucking apples."
Trixie looked puzzled. "Why would anypony want to...oooh."
Appleseed held a hoof to her brow and rubbed the center of her forehead. She looked tired. Anyway, that don't have nothing to do with you not getting your chores done because you was off leering at mah brother."
"But Trixie had to protect Big Macintosh from the ninjas while he was vulnerable!" Trixie pleaded.
"Trixie, just...gah." Appleseed said before shaking her head and walking off. "Just get em done tomorrow, alright? You do remember this is supposed to be a punishment, don'tcha?"
"Trixie feels that she has grown close to the Apple family and that their relationship has grown past its troubled beginning," Trixie said airily.
Appleseed's expression could have been framed and hung in a museum exhibit called "skeptical."
"Trixie, how many Apples live on Sweet Apple Acres?"
Trixie sniffed. "Four, obviously."
Appleseed looked mildly impressed, so Trixie continued. "There is Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, Appleseed and...the pegasus who is always sleeping in the trees. So four, and the cook."
"The cook?"
"Yes, the old green one hired to do cooking and laundry," Trixie explained.
Appleseed planted her face onto her hoof again. This time the impact was audible and louder than the groan. Trixie looked confused.
"What?"
"Trixie...never mind. Just get cleaned up and come have dinner."
Trixie nodded and smiled, clearly pleased to have finally won her warden over. "Trixie will do so."
†
"Ah'm just saying if he rode her a few times and gave her what she wants she might quiet down some!"
"Granny Smith, that's just terrible!" Applejack said aghast.
Granny Smith cackled wheezily. "Land's sakes filly, how you grew up such a prude I never will understand. Why if I was your age I'd be up in that shower along with that there unicorn missy right this moment!"
"Granny Smith!" Applejack exclaimed, blushing almost as red as her brother sitting next to her. And he had one hay of a head start.
"Ah'm just saying AJ, there's something to be said for being the strong one and Ah ain't never known a colt or filly that didn't come around to earth pony loving after they tried it. Why back in the day whenever ponies came in from Canterlot for the Spring market I never went back to the farm without a heap of bits and some unicorn to float them for me. I remember one who had this pegasus friend and—"
"Can we please not talk about this with Apple Bloom at the table?" Applejack half begged. "Or at the table at all?"
"Oh fiddle sticks," Granny Smith muttered as she returned her attention to her meal.
"Don't listen to Appleseed, Granny Smith," Trixie said from her seat next to Big Macintosh. "Trixie was enjoying Granny Smith's stories about Ponyville's early days."
Applejack pointed an accusing hoof at their guest worker. "Not another word outta you," she said warningly. Bad enough I have to hear it coming from my own family."
Trixie tsked. "But Granny Smith is correct!" she said, leaning to one side and rubbing her cheek shamelessly against Big Macintosh's barrel as she did. "Trixie has never had cause to regret spending time with an earth pony's strong forehooves wrapped—"
"WE'RE APPLES FOREVER, APPLES TOGETHER! WE'RE FAMILY BUT SO MUCH MORE!" Applejack sang very loudly as she clapped her hooves over her ears.
"Big Macintosh, is Trixie your very special somepony now?" Apple Bloom asked curiously.
"Nope," Big Macintosh said. The statement seemed to take the wind out of Trixie's sails. She straightened in her seat and began absently picking at her food. Granny Smith noted the exchange with disapproval.
"Big Macintosh, you were raised with better manners than that!" she scolded. "Making a nice filly all sad like that. That ain't how we Apples treat a guest!"
"But Granny Smith," Big Macintosh protested.
"But nothing!" Granny Smith said severely. "Now you apologize right now."
Applejack started to say something but a glare from the Apple patriarch put paid to that. Big Macintosh squirmed in his seat before finally saying, "Ah'm sorry for hurting your feelings, Miss Trixie."
Granny Smith made an approving sound and settled back into her chair. "That's better. Miss Trixie?"
"Trixie accepts Big Macintosh's apology," Trixie said with a slight tremor in her voice. "Trixie should not have been so arrogant as to think she had a chance with a pony as wonderful as Big Macintosh. Trixie is alright."
The last bit was said in a tone that left no doubt in anypony's mind that Trixie was not, in fact, alright. The atmosphere somehow became even more awkward than it had been when Trixie had recited her poem about Big Macintosh's flank earlier. Silence reigned.
"So," Applejack said, clearly desperate to talk about something else. "Apple Bloom, how're your lessons with Twilight going?"
"They're going pretty well," Apple Bloom said through a full mouth. The filly had evidently elected to ignore the growing drama in favor of digging into the mountain of food on the plate in front of her. "Twilight says I'm almost ready to start using earth pony magic on the farm with proper supervision, and Scootaloo finished making a new scooter from scratch and is trying to think of something bigger for her next project."
Trixie perked up. "Apple Bloom is studying alchemy at her age?"
Everypony turned and stared at Trixie in disbelief. She looked back and forth between them. "What?"
Applejack was the first to find her voice. "Just surprised is all. Don't normally expect an unicorn to know bout that sorta thang off the top of her head."
"Trixie knows things!" Trixie said indignantly. "Many things!"
"Just ain't something most unicorns care about, Miss Trixie. That Twilight filly was askin' me a whole bunch of questions about the thises and thats of making Zap Apple jam awhile back and fore that no city slicker pony done bothered. It's like they think plants just grow out of the ground on their own."
Everypony had a good chuckle at that idea. Once it died down a bit Trixie had relaxed a bit.
"Trixie took a year long course on alchemy when she was in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and studied the works of many of the great earth pony scholars," Trixie said proudly. "Trixie might not have earned her cutie mark otherwise."
Applejack raised an eyebrow at that. "I thought your special talent was supposed to be magic?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh agreed.
"Trixie's special talent is applied magic," Trixie said, a bit of her usual haughtiness creeping back into her voice as she talked about her favorite topic: Trixie and how amazing she was. "Anypony can learn one or two spells and read books about theory. Trixie awed her teachers and fellow students by finding new and spectacular ways to use and combine spells for the enjoyment of all."
"Huh," Applejack said. She sounded genuinely interested.
"Yes, Trixie was beloved by all in her school days," Trixie continued. "Until Princess Celestia's personal student grew jealous of Trixie's talent and popularity and conspired to sabotage Trixie's reputation using slander and dirty tricks."
That killed the moment instantly. "Now see here," Applejack said angrily. "Ah don't want to hear another lying word against mah friend Twilight. That there filly is a better pony than you'll—"
"Applejack!" Granny Smith scolded. "Mind your manners and let our guest here finish!"
Applejack scowled and rose from her seat. "Excuse me Granny Smith, but Ah have a few more chores to take care of before I turn in for the night."
With that, she stormed out, ignoring Granny Smith's protests and Trixie's confused look. The screen door shut behind her loudly and Trixie looked at the remaining Apples curiously.
"When did Trixie mention Twilight Sparkle?"
†
"Danged donkey fart prima donna of an unicorn," Applejack grumbled as she hauled the bucket up the well. The bucket banged against the sides of the well and Applejack grumbled some more as she heard water slop out and render the effort that much more pointless. She had grumbled her way into a fine state by the time the storm clouds began to circle and gather. Which was why she didn't notice the incipient twister until her hooves began to lift off the ground.
"Woah Nelly!" Applejack cried as she grabbed for the well pump with her mouth and missed with an audible clack. Her legs flailed uselessly for purchase and her last thought before the vertigo took over was that this had to happen the one time she went out of doors without her lasso.
Applejack came to as her hooves touched solid ground again. She landed with surprising delicacy, as if the wind was taking care to put her down gently. None of which stopped her from stumbling about drunkenly for a few steps before falling flat. She stubbornly tried to rise despite the spinning, prompting her to make a horking sound and decide to lay back down and concentrate on not vomiting up Granny Smith's nice home cooked meal. Which is why it took three tries before she realized somepony was talking to her and looked up.
"GREETINGS, FAIR APPLEJACK!" Princess Luna boomed. She looked annoyed, though Applejack was too busy stopping her hat from flying away to pay much attention to that. Luna huffed slightly at the lack of attention, clearly unused to ponies taking so long to notice she was talking to them.
Once her hat was secured and Applejack was reasonably sure she could stand without emptying her stomach she replied cautiously, "Princess Luna? Uh...howdy?"
"FAITHFUL APPLEJACK, WE MUST NEEDS SPEAK TO YOU OF A MATTER OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE AND DELICACY!"
"Uhh, alrighty then," Applejack said uncertainly. "What can Ah do you for?"
Luna struck a regal pose, looking just past Applejack to stare ominously into the night sky behind her. Applejack waited several seconds and was about to ask again when Luna spoke again, this time in a more bearable volume.
"Word has reached Our ears that some dark agency has set about to spread vile treasons and calumnies with regards to Our name and that of Our sister."
Luna paused and regarded Applejack directly again. She was clearly expecting a response. Applejack fumbled for an appropriate one.
"Well...shoot Princess, that's just plain terrible."
Luna nodded in satisfaction. "Verily."
Neither pony said anything. The silence stretched uncomfortably again.
"So," Applejack prompted, "What were these calumnies?"
"We cannot tell thee, dear Applejack."
Luna stared at Applejack. Applejack forced a smile.
"Okay then," she said, drawing out the first word. "So why're you tellin' me this?"
"Because you must assist us in finding the parties responsible a halt the spread of their slanders," Luna said immediately.
Applejack blinked. "Without you tellin' me what they're saying."
"Indeed," Luna said.
"Okay then," Applejack said slowly and carefully. "So any idea who's doin' it?"
"Not in the slightest," Luna said in a tone of frustration.
"So lemme get this straight. You don't know who you're looking for and you can't tell me what exactly you're looking for and you want me to help find em?"
"An excellent summary, fair Applejack," Luna confirmed.
"And how am Ah supposed to do that?" Applejack asked, exasperated.
Luna laughed heartily, "Oh dear Applejack, thou are such a silly pony. Is it not obvious?"
"Nope," Applejack said, deadpan.
Luna shook her head in disappointment. "Our agents are in the process of investigation. You must simply answer one question."
"Alright then," Applejack said. "What is it?"
"Do you know what We are talking about or who is responsible for the talk We have described?"
"...No."
"Excellent!" Luna said, rising off the ground as she did so. She pointed a forehoof downward. "That is all We require. We charge thee to say naught of this to anypony. Fare thee well, Applejack!"
With that Luna shifted into a cloud of darkly sparkling smoke that vanished from sight in the blink of an eye. Applejack stared at the spot where she had been, thoroughly confused.
"What in the hay?"
The words echoed slightly.
"...AND HOW AM AH SUPPOSED TO GET BACK HOME?!"
Cheerilee sighed. "Scootaloo, what are you talking about?"
Scootaloo squirmed awkwardly under Cheerilee's gaze. "I just wanted to know about the time when Princess Celestia dropped the sun on the Diamond Dog army and then made the survivors build Canterlot's mountain from all the lava it made."
Cheerilee raised a hoof to her forehead, rubbed the deep ache in the middle of it and then visibly forced herself to resume smiling. "That never happened Scootaloo. Where did you hear such a silly story?"
Scootaloo's eyes flickered back and forth. "Uhm, I read it! In a book!"
"Are you sure it was a book?" Diamond Tiara interrupted snidely. "Are you sure it wasn't nothing?"
The classroom erupted into laughter at that. Scootaloo shrank into her desk, cheeks flushed. Cheerilee rapped her hoof on her desk and gave the loudest offender (Silver Spoon) a paralyzing glare the likes of which only Fluttershy and public school teachers could manage. The filly stiffened. The other hecklers got the message and clammed up. Diamond Tiara smirked and leaned back into her desk.
"Scootaloo," Cheerilee said gently, "Did you read this in one of those comic books Spike brought back from Canterlot?"
"No, I heard it from—Oww!"
Long experience let Cheerilee reflexively trace the spitball's trajectory back to its source. "Apple Bloom!" she snapped, switching from Patient Teacher mode to Authoritative Disciplinarian mood.
Apple Bloom assumed an angelic expression. "Yes Miss Cheerilee?"
"Why did you throw a spitball at Scootaloo?"
"Oh, I, uhm..." Apple Bloom stammered for a moment before blurting, "Ah'm angry cus she keeps flirting with Mah brother!"
"What?!" Scootaloo shouted.
"She says Miss Trixie ain't good enough for him and that he's meant to be with Rainbow Dash!" Apple Bloom continued. Cheerilee cocked an eyebrow.
"You just said Scootaloo was flirting with your brother," she pointed out.
Apple Bloom groped for a reply. "Ah mean, she's dressing up like Rainbow Dash to make him think about her more so he'll be interested in her!"
"I only did that with Fluttershy!" Scootaloo shouted. She realized what she'd said a moment later and blushed furiously. Cheerilee cut in before either of the fillies could say anything more.
"Girls," she said as the vein above her right eye became ever so slightly visible, "I don't know what you're talking about but I think it's something we should save until after class."
"But!" Scootaloo began. Cheerilee turned the Stare onto her and the pegasus filly froze. She turned to Apple Bloom and found that she had gone obediently silent. That triggered an alarm bell in Cheerilee's mischief detector but she didn't have time to pursue her suspicions. She turned her attention back to the rest of the class.
"Now, who wants to give their presentation next?"
Dead silence. Cheerilee mentally kicked herself for the rookie mistake. Her forced smile turned shark-like as she pointed to the head trouble maker.
"Diamond Tiara, you seem very eager to speak today. Why don't you come to the front to tell us what you came up with for today?"
Diamond Tiara froze even more than Silver Spoon. Cheerilee could hear her nervous gulp from all the way across the room. Cheerilee's smile turned genuine as she remembered why she loved this job so much.
†
"Ah just don't get it," Apple Bloom said as they left the schoolyard. "Ah told it exactly the same way Trixie did, and she said she learned it at Celestia's unicorn school."
"I thought she said she learned it from the giant badgers who live under Canterlot?" Scootaloo asked, confused.
"She met the badgers while she was at Celestia's school," Apple Bloom explained. "She rescued their prince's son from a buncha evil wheel monsters, so he guided her back through their secret tunnels to their secret stronghold called Salamandstron and taught her how to control light with crystals and powders to show his gratitude. That's why she was late with her research paper and got a bad grade."
"Oh, huh."
"She also said that he asked for her hoof in marriage but she had to turn him down because she couldn't deprive Equestria of her amazing magical talent."
"That was nice of her," Sweetie Belle said uncertainly.
"Apple Bloom, are you sure she's not just making things up?" Scootaloo asked.
"Of course not!" Apple Bloom said indignantly. "Trixie's been all kinds of places!"
"Yeah Scootaloo, didn't Rainbow Dash tell you Trixie was queen of the Diamond Dogs for awhile?" Sweetie Belle chimed in.
Scootaloo frowned. "I guess that's true," she muttered.
"And didn't she and Applejack and Rarity and all them just become pirates for a week awhile back?" Apple Bloom pressed.
"Fine, fine!" Scootaloo said in exasperation.
"Where is Applejack anyway?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Rarity said she was supposed to meet with her and Pinkie Pie to plan refreshments for next month's Ponyville Fair but she never showed."
"Dunno," Apple Bloom said. "She wasn't at breakfast this morning."
"You don't think the history police got her, do you?" Sweetie Belle gasped.
"The what?" said Scootaloo, confused.
"The super secret police that monitor all of Equestria to suppress any hint of the truth," Apple Bloom explained sagely.
"They're the ones that got Trixie expelled from Celestia's school by framing her for that explosion," Sweetie Belle added.
"Oh right," said Scootaloo.
"And ever since then they've followed Trixie from town to town," Apple Bloom said solemnly. "Sabotaging her magic shows and turning common ponies against her to make sure nopony believes her."
The three fillies bowed their heads and contemplated that in silence.
"Wait," said Scootaloo. "I thought she said Twilight got her expelled because she was jealous of her amazing show-stopping ability? That doesn't sound like something Twilight would do!"
"The history police were the ones who did the dirty work, but they were tipped off by Celestia's personal student," Apple Bloom explained. "And it weren't Twilight, it was Celestia's last student, Sunset Shimmer."
"What?" said Scootaloo, skeptically. "Since when did Princess Celestia have another student?"
"Trixie says she mysteriously vanished from the public eye and that Princess Celestia has never mentioned her in public ever since," said Apple Bloom.
"That doesn't make sense!" said Scootaloo. "We'd have heard about it if Princess Celestia had another student who vanished!"
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked uncertain at that. Scootaloo did have a point.
"Ya think we should ask somepony else about this?" Apple Bloom said uncertainly.
"Who?" squeaked Sweetie Belle.
"We could ask Twilight," said Scootaloo.
"But then she might mention it to the other princesses!" Apple Bloom objected.
"Then who?!" said Scootaloo. Her wings buzzed with annoyance.
"... Zecora?" Apple Bloom suggested after a moment's thought.
"Yeah!" squeaked Sweetie Belle. "She's not even a pony, so she isn't committed to the lie!"
"So it's settled?" said Scootaloo. Apple Bloom nodded. "Sweetie Belle?"
They turned to see Sweetie Belle was staring back towards the schoolhouse with sour expression on her face. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo sighed and turned towards the two ponies their friend was looking at.
"Hello Blank Flanks," Diamond Tiara said with a sneer. Scootaloo scowled at her and Silver Spoon.
"What do you want?" said Scootaloo.
"Oh I just wanted to ask how the new gazebo was coming along," Diamond Tiara said. Her voice dripped with insincerity.
"How do ya know about that?" Apple Bloom said suspiciously.
"Oh, Big Macintosh came to Daddy's store to buy a bunch of building supplies for it. Looks like you're not the most useless pony on the farm anymore."
"Hey!" Apple Bloom said. "Trixie ain't useless!"
"Oh?" sneered Diamond Tiara. "Name one thing she's good for."
"She's great at..." Apple Bloom paused and looked back at her friends.
"Her fireworks are pretty cool? suggested Scootaloo.
"I really like her mane!" squeaked Sweetie Belle.
"Yeah!" said Apple Bloom. "And she's really fun to listen to and be around, and that's more than anypony has ever said about you!"
Diamond Tiara flinched at that. She tossed her mane back dismissively and said, "Come on Silver Spoon. We've got better things to do than argue about some ugly old nag that'll never be better than a Princess Twilight wannabe."
†
"Ah just can't stand it!" Apple Bloom ranted as Big Macintosh put the next board into place. "Every day it's the same thing, and she just keeps getting worse and worse!"
Big Macintosh continued going about his work. He guided the nails floating around him into position before hammering them in one by one with a single blow apiece from his huge hooves.
"She talks bad about me, she talks bad about mah friends, she talks bad about mah family and now she's started on Miss Trixie!" Apple Bloom continued.
Big Macintosh remained silent. Trixie chimed in from behind by the wood pile where she was supposedly helping by passing building material to Big Macintosh with her levitation and not ogling his rock hard flank.
"Apple Bloom, Trixie has vast experience ignoring the ignorant opinions of unappreciative ponies. In time it becomes a barely audible buzz."
"But she said you're an ugly nag and a Princess Twilight wannabe!" Apple Bloom protested.
"She what?!" Trixie shouted, clearly outraged. As she did the piece of wood she was levitating jerked and smacked Big Macintosh squarely across the back of the head. He turned and gave her an unamused look.
"Hehe, oops," Trixie said nervously. "Trixie was simply overcome with outrage at the way sweet little Apple Bloom is being treated."
Big Macintosh continued to look at her. Trixie flushed and said, "Trixie will go find things to do elsewhere."
"Eyup."
"Apple Bloom, come keep Trixie company."
With that Trixie left with Apple Bloom in tow. Trixie seemed to be thinking intently. She barely even bothered to put any sway into her hindquarters as she walked. When they were a good ways off Trixie rounded on Apple Bloom.
"Tell Trixie more about this Diamond Tiara."
"She's a big ole bully who's always makin' fun of me and mah friends fer not havin' our cutie marks, and her father's the richest pony in town." Apple Bloom paused for a moment. "Except maybe Princess Twilight now, Ah guess."
An oily smile covered Trixie's face at that last part. "Trixie thinks she knows a way to get Diamond Tiara to leave you alone, or at least give her some comeuppance."
Apple Bloom shifted uncomfortably. "Ah don't know. Applejack says revenge never helped nopony. Hey, Applejack!"
Trixie turned around to see Applejack walking across the farm towards them. She looked drowned, battered, covered in mud and had enough twigs sticking out of her mane to do a passable imitation of a tree. She stopped several feet away and looked at them.
"Where's Big Mac?" she demanded tersely.
Trixie and Apple Bloom pointed silently back the way they came. Applejack tossed her mane back and started walking again.
"Sis, what happened?" Apple Bloom asked. She sounded worried.
"Yer brother and I need to have a talk about that marefriend of his."
"Eveningtide, Big Macintosh! Farest thee well?"
Big Macintosh sat in his usual stargazing spot atop a wooded hillock. As Princess Luna took her place beside him he nodded and said, "Eyup."
An attentive pony who knew Big Macintosh well might have caught the subtle nuances in the way he said his standard reply that he did not in fact fare very well. But subtle nuances were not Princess Shouty Pants' strong suit. She smiled broadly at his answer. It was something she had found herself doing more and more of late.
"Wunderbar!" Princess Luna cried enthusiastically as she gave her sturdy companion a friendly wing buffet that nearly sent him sprawling. He turned and looked at her. His face was as impassive as ever, but one nuance Luna was learning to recognize was the all but invisible signs of amusement there. She held a hoof to her muzzle and looked abashed.
"Prithee, good citizen, accept Our apologies," she said in a more subdued tone. She tried to sound regal but couldn't quite keep the grin off her face. Big Macintosh's smile blossomed in reply and made his good humor plain to see.
"S'alright," he said placidly. "Nice of y'all to come visit again."
"We could hardly pass on the opportunity when Our duties have conspired to bring us anon to Ponyville," she replied with a grand sweep of her hoof. "Though we fear the court is abuzz with rumors after our previous assignations. We found it necessary to concoct a tale of vamponies on the prowl."
She paused for a second, then added, "Fluttershy helped."
Big Macintosh greeted this news with a nod of his head and a calm "Eyup."
"But enough of courtly affairs," Luna continued. "We—I, have prepared a fine evening for tonight's viewing pleasure."
With that the two fell into a companionable silence. Minutes ticked by. The minutes stretched into an hour and then a second hour. Eventually Big Macintosh said, "Y'all made the Plowpony's harness buckle a li'l brighter."
Luna beamed. "Indeed. We have considered the change well these past twelve months and six but still feared We had decided with undue haste."
"Ah think it looks nice," Big Macintosh said. "Draws your eye to the center and makes the whole thing easier to see."
"Our thoughts exactly," Luna said happily. "We have also considered that We might dim the point of the Archer's arrow and brighten both ends of the bow for similar reasons."
Big Macintosh chewed his straw. Luna looked at him anxiously. "Thoughts?"
Big Macintosh chewed meditatively for a bit longer before saying, "Seems to me that would make ponies look at the outsides. What about that one in between?"
Luna looked up and frowned. "The one equidistant betwixt the anchors of the bow, where shaft would cross string?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said.
Luna's face turned thoughtful. "Yes... We see the possibilities. It would indeed serve to center the constellation better for the eye."
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said.
"Huzzah!" Luna cried as she wrapped one foreleg around Big Macintosh's neck in a grateful hug. "Once again thine eye hast served us well! Thou hast the patience and perception of an alicorn as well as the proportions! Truly you should have been born a prince."
"Nope," Big Macintosh said as he struggled for air against the princess's ridiculously strong grip. Luna released him with a laugh.
"Equestria's loss was the apple orchard's gain. But We thank you, dear friend, for your wisdom and company both."
"You're welcome," Big Macintosh said as he rubbed his throat. "You're always welcome around these parts." He paused for a moment before adding, "Nice to have a pretty mare around that's not constantly trying to jump mah bones."
Luna cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? Yet again?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said. "Crazy boarder AJ took in for Princess Twilight."
Luna chuckled. "Every mare grows a touch crazed when you are about, methinks."
"Maybe," Big Macintosh rumbled. "But most of them don't go telling Apple Bloom tall tales about you and your sister conquering Equestria with an army of clockwork soldiers."
Big Macintosh snickered at that. He missed the look on Luna's face as she froze stockstill.
"Verily?" Luna asked with a nervous chuckle. "How absurd! Wherever could such a story have come from? Pray tell, who is this boarder?"
"Crazy unicorn who took over Ponyville with some magic geegaw last year," Big Macintosh said with a shrug. "Princess Twilight sentenced her to work to make up for it and AJ volunteered the farm." He paused, then added, "Personally Ah think AJ's enjoying putting her through the paces a little too much."
"Is that so?" Luna asked a little too quickly. "Mayhaps we will speak with our peer in Ponyville about the matter." She rose. "But in any case we must needs be going. Fare thee well, Macintosh Apple!"
Big Macintosh started to comment that she was leaving early but Luna cut him off with a peck on the cheek that left him stammering and blushing as she flew off. After she had melted away into the night sky Big Macintosh regarded the spot where she had disappeared thoughtfully. Had he been imagining things or...?
"Nope," he said aloud. There was no way that story had spooked the Princess of the Night.
†
That’s her!” Apple Bloom whispered. “That’s Diamond Tiara!”
“Excellent,” Trixie replied. She smirked as she looked through the spyglass levitating in front of her. “Now to commence phase one.”
Apple Bloom wasn’t in the habit of using fancy vocabulary or phrasing, but a couple years of crusading had given her a basic grounding in operational planning and terminology. "Ya mean pretending ta bump into her?"
"...Yes Apple Bloom, that is what Trixie meant," Trixie said. She sounded annoyed.
"How is this supposed to help again?" Apple Bloom said skeptically.
Trixie chuckled and patted Apple Bloom in the head. "Just watch and learn, little filly. Watch and learn."
With that Trixie assumed what Apple Bloom was starting to recognize as Trixie's stage posture and strode across the park towards Diamond Tiara. The basket she was levitating bobbed along silently behind her. Apple Bloom watched her go and wondered if she should tell an adult or at least get a head start on calling the ambulance.
"Apple Bloom!"
Apple Bloom turned to see Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo trotting towards her. "Oh hey girls. Didjya talk to Zecora?"
They nodded their heads.
"So what did she say?"
"We tried to ask her about the princesses thing," Scootaloo explained, "but when we mentioned the part about the badgers Zecora's eyes got really big and she said something about 'the legends being true."
"And then she chased us out with a broom," Sweetie Belle chimed in sourly.
"Dang," Apple Bloom said. "And she didn't say anything else?"
"Nah," Scootaloo said. "She just asked who we'd heard about it from."
"What did you tell her?" Apple Bloom asked.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle exchanged glances. Apple Bloom sighed. "Just tell me."
"We didn't want to rat Trixie out since we'd promised we'd keep her Great and Powerful secrets," Scootaloo said reluctantly. "So we tried to think of somepony else to say, and—"
"Let Trixie go you oaf!"
Apple Bloom's head whipped around to see Trixie being wrestled to the ground by an elderly earth pony in a butler's uniform. Despite his graying mane and the fact that he was clearly better than twice Trixie's age the old stallion was game. He had already gotten Trixie into a headlock and was rapping his hoof against her horn every few seconds to prevent her from using her magic. A terrified looking Diamond Tiara stood nearby.
"Whelp," Apple Bloom said. "This won't be good."'
†
"So Trixie, lemme get this straight," Applejack said dryly. "You got into a fight while you were in the park offering free candy to little school foals and inviting them to come see your 'amazing show'... And you have no idea why you're in a jail cell right now?"
Trixie tossed her mane back and lifted her nose disdainfully. "Obviously."
Applejack stared at her. "Seriously?"
Trixie shrugged. "It isn't as if this were the first time Trixie has been unjustly persecuted in this way."
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Yer just lucky Apple Bloom was there and she went to Twi and Twi went to me."
Trixie sniffed. "Luck had nothing to do with it. Trixie has always made her own luck."
Applejack looked back and forth around the jail cell before arching an eyebrow. "Ah believe you," she said deadpan. She turned to her companion. "Mayor, thank ya kindly for coming. Can ya let her out now?"
Mayor Mare nodded to the guard. "Of course, Applejack. This all clearly just a—"
"Hold it right there!" a voice cut in from behind them. Everypony turned to see an extremely angry-looking pony flanked by two ponies in suits.
"Filthy?" Applejack said, sounding surprised.
"Rich," Filthy Rich replied tersely. "No time for the usual pleasantries, Applejack."
He turned his attention to Mayor Mare. "Silver Scroll," he said more neutrally. "What's this I hear about letting the vagrant who assaulted my daughter go free?"
"Vagrant?!" Trixie shouted, outraged.
"Assaulted?" Applejack echoed, confused.
Mayor Mare returned his gaze levelly. "Yes, Mister Rich," she said. "Nopony was harmed and it seems the entire thing was a misunderstanding."
"Nopony was harmed?!" Filthy Rich shouted incredulously. "My darling Diamond Tiara was absolutely terrified!"
He nodded to one of the ponies in suits. The pony produced a sheaf of papers and passed them to the Mayor.
"Amnicus motion to hold the accused as a threat to public safety until an independent investigation can be conducted," the law pony explained.
Mayor Mare scanned the papers as he spoke. Applejack replied before she could finish.
"Threat to public safety?" she echoed in a disbelieving tone. "Listen Mister Rich, Trixie may be full of hot air and dumber than a barrel full of mud, but she didn't mean no harm. Yer man just jumped the gun when little Diamond Tiara started hooting and hollering her head off. No harm, no foul."
"Yeah!" Trixie joined in. "...Wait, what?"
Everypony ignored Trixie. Filthy Rich gave Applejack a contemptuous look.
"My little Diamond Tiara was traumatized! Maybe that's nothing to you but I for one intend to protect my family!"
Applejack bristled. "Now wait just an apple-picking minute! You saying Ah don't care about mah family's safety?!"
"I'm saying I will not ignore a threat to my precious daughter's well-being," Filthy Rich shot back. "If you want to let Apple Bloom play with a snake in the grass that's your business, but some of us take our responsibilities seriously."
Applejack took a step forward."Why you lowdown, money-grubbing, carpet bagging—" she began angrily.
"Applejack!" Mayor Mare snapped.
"But Mayor!" Applejack tried to argue.
"Not the time or the place, Applejack," Mayor Mare cut her off. Her voice was strained. Applejack could all but hear the unspoken 'trust me' behind the words. Applejack fell silent.
"Mister Rich," Mayor Mare said coolly. "Do you really want to do this?"
Filthy Rich hesitated for just a second before answering. "Absolutely. Given the tramp's past crimes I have more than enough grounds to demand judicial oversight."
Mayor Mare held his gaze. "Very well then."
She turned her attention to the pony who had passed her the papers. "Deliver the rest of the documentation to my staff."
The law pony nodded once. "Of course."
Mayor Mare turned her attention back to Filthy Rich. "Will that be all?"
Filthy Rich nodded to his other law pony. The law pony produced more papers.
"Motion for you to recuse yourself on the grounds of personal involvement in this case," he said blandly.
Mayor Mare didn't do much as twitch at that, but her voice turned arctic. "Understood."
Filthy Rich maintained eye contact for a few more seconds. "Very well then." He turned to his lawyers. "Sirs, we're leaving." With that Filthy Rich turned and left with his escort trailing a few steps behind.
As soon as they were gone Applejack said, "But Mayor!"
"I know AJ," Mayor Mare replied calmly. "But he is within his rights and he might well have a case."
"Oh come on," Applejack said, exasperated. "Anypony can see this is just more of Trixie being stupid and not seeing how she comes off ta everypony else."
"Trixie knows exactly how she comes off!" Trixie shouted in protest. "Trixie is the smartest and the best!"
Mayor Mare shrugged. "It doesn't matter, AJ," she said, sounding tired. "Filthy Rich's lawyers know their trade and they wouldn't move like this without a case. Your friend may well be liable."
Applejack snorted. "She ain't mah friend!"
"Yeah!" Trixie added helpfully.
Applejack rolled her eyes but otherwise ignored Trixie. "But that don't mean it ain't plain as day she didn't hurt nopony and it ain't right to punish somepony for being dumb."
"Hey!" Trixie shouted indignantly. Everypony continued to ignore her.
"I know," Mayor Mare said. She seemed to deflate as she spoke. "But I'm afraid it doesn't matter."
"Nothing doing," Applejack said angrily. "Ah'm gonna go talk to Twilight."
"Applejack, wait!" Mayor Mare said. The farm pony ignored her as she stormed out. Mayor Mayor stared as the door to Ponyville's tiny jail swung shut behind her before turning to look at Trixie.
"So do you have any idea what you've started?" Mayor Mare asked.
"Trixie has no idea what little hay seeds think," Trixie said. She sounded genuinely confused.
"That's what I thought," Mayor Mare said glumly.
Author's Note
Hoping to have future chapters out faster now that I'm in a semi stable place.
Trixie sat alone in her cell and contemplated the possibility that she was wrong about something.
It seemed impossible. But the evidence was starting to pile up. Failed to graduate from Celestia's school. Failed to make a name for herself as a magician, or at least as a good one. Failed at performing simple farm labor.
Buck, she had just failed to outwit a school filly.
Dark thoughts. It was rare for for Trixie to think about herself and not be pleased. She traced one hoof in an idle pattern on the bare stone floor in front of her cot. She was oblivious to the world, which was why she failed to notice Big Macintosh had to come in until he cleared his throat. Trixie jerked her head up to see him standing in front of her cell. She looked excited for a moment before sagging again.
"Big Macintosh," Trixie said morosely. "Sent to stand watch over Trixie to make sure Trixie does not do anything stupid?"
"Nope," Big Macintosh said.
"Come to see Trixie's misery during Trixie's moment of despair then," Trixie snapped bitterly. She stared at her hooves again.
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said.
Trixie's head snapped up again. She hadn't expected him to admit it. She started to shout something angry but couldn't seem to muster the energy.
"Trixie cannot blame Big Macintosh," she admitted. "Trixie knows she looks pathetic right now. Big Macintosh is right to laugh at Trixie's humiliation."
"Ah ain't here to laugh at you," Big Macintosh rumbled. "Ah'm here to keep you company."
Trixie blinked. "Why?"
"Cus Ah knew you'd be feeling sad and Ah figured it might help," Big Macintosh replied.
Trixie was confused. "But you don't even like Trixie!" she protested.
"Ah don't like a lot of things about you," Big Macintosh said. "But that don't mean I want you to be all lonely and miserable."
Trixie's confusion grew. "Why not?"
Big Macintosh rolled his eyes. "Ah don't have to like everything about you to want you to be happy, Miss Trixie. Or even most things about you. What kinda pony wants to see a neighbor sad just because she's a lil annoying?"
"Trixie does!" Trixie protested. Big Macintosh stared at her.
"Trixie is the best at laughing at other ponies," Trixie continued. "That is why Trixie is so popular!"
Big Macintosh continued to stare. Finally he said, "That don't make no sense."
"Of course it does!" Trixie said indignantly. "Ponies see how much better Trixie is and that makes Trixie popular!"
Big Macintosh blinked. "You... Think you're popular?" he said.
Trixie sniffed disdainfully. "Of course! That's why Trixie is in this situation! Other ponies who are purple were jealous of Trixie's greatness and sought to humiliate Trixie for out-shining her and being so amazing!"
Big Macintosh thought about that one for awhile. Trixie could practically see him chewing it over in his head. Finally he rumbled, "Sweet Celestia you're screwed up."
"What?" Trixie shouted indignantly. She leapt to her hooves and glared daggers at Big Macintosh. Big Macintosh was unruffled.
"Ponies don't like you because you make other ponies look bad," he said. "Sure they laugh when somepony gets embarrassed, but that's just because they think it's all in good fun like in your little talent contest show."
Trixie stopped glaring. "Big Macintosh thinks Trixie's show was funny? He does not hate Trixie for embarrassing Big Macintosh's sister and her friends?"
Big Macintosh shook his head. "AJ was right peeved about the whole thing, but a li'l embarrassment never hurt nopony. Ain't like she had to get involved or nothing. It was just a game."
Trixie thought about that. Big Macintosh continued.
"Just because a ponies a little annoying don't mean you shouldn't be a good neighbor when they're in a bad place. Sides, Ah reckon we're supposed to be teaching you while you're in the farm."
Trixie took all that in. Big Macintosh had a seat in front of her cell door.
"So Ah'm here to keep ya company and you can tell tall tales or do tricks or whatever makes you feel better," he concluded.
Trixie walked over and sat down on the cold floor near the cell door. "Thank you, Big Macintosh," she said. Her voice shook slightly.
"You're welcome," Big Macintosh said calmly.
Trixie smiled slightly and they sat there in silence for a long while. Finally Trixie spoke up again.
"Trixie still wishes to be mounted by Big Macintosh," she said matter of factly.
Big Macintosh sighed. "Ah know."
"Trixie thinks that Big Macintosh is handsome and has a crush on him," Trixie continued.
Big Macintosh heaved another sigh. "Ah noticed."
"Trixie has to explain these things because Trixie is very subtle," Trixie clarified.
Big Macintosh started to say something, stopped and then burst out laughing. Trixie looked annoyed but quickly broke down and joined in. They were still laughing when Applejack came back with Princess Twilight Sparkle in tow. Applejack looked at them askance.
"Enjoying yerselves?" she asked sarcastically.
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said. He did not elaborate.
"Trixie said something funny," Trixie elaborated.
Applejack cocked an eyebrow. "Don't tell me she's actually growing on you?" she asked Big Macintosh.
"Trixie has decided she enjoys Big Macintosh's company even if he will not rut Trixie," Trixie replied happily before Big Macintosh could say anything. Big Macintosh looked embarrassed.
Applejack grinned. "Sounds like a certain Apple's very special somepony is going to be a mite jealous," she needled.
Big Macintosh glared at his sister. Trixie looked surprised.
"Big Macintosh has a marefriend?!" Trixie gasped.
"Nope," Big Macintosh said shortly. "Don't pay Applejack no mind."
Trixie's eyes widened in understanding. "Ooh..."
Her voice trailed off for a moment. "...That's hot," she said finally.
Applejack lost it at that. She started laughing hysterically, barely catching her hat before it fell off. Even Twilight looked amused. Big Macintosh continued to glare at his sister.
"Applejack," Twilight managed to say before things could proceed any further. "You ready to take her back to the farm?" Twilight was clearly trying and failing to hide an incipient giggle fit behind her nascent Princess Face.
"Eyup," Applejack forced herself to say. She shook with suppressed laughter as she did.
Twilight turned to Trixie and forced herself to look serious. "By my authority as Princess I hereby release you to the custody of Applejack and the Apple family and declare these charges vacated. Do you have anything to say, Ms. Lulamoon?"
Trixie blinked. "Thank you?" she said slowly, as if experimenting with an unfamiliar concept. She shook her head and seemed to gather herself.
"That is, Trixie thanks Princess Twilight Sparkle on possessing the wisdom to see beyond her long and bitter rivalry with Trixie."
That bit very nearly broke Twilight's reserve and sent her into a helpless giggle fit, but Celestia's most faithful student managed to maintain control. "Thank you, Trixie," she forced out in a semi-regal tone. With that she bolted toward the jailhouse door, desperate to get out of sight before she cracked. "Ifyou'llexcuseme."
Applejack was still grinning. "Y'all ready to head on back?"
Trixie thought for a moment. "Trixie sprained an ankle in the fight and needs to be carried back?" she said hopefully. Applejack turned her grin to her brother.
"Nope," Big Macintosh said.
†
Acting Captain of the Royal Guard Prince Blueblood was almost done with the day's paperwork when his office door flew open and a batpony in dark armor like an inverted mirror of his own marched in and saluted. His yellow eyes shown with a feral, predatory light and utterly un-ponylike fangs jutted just noticeably from behind his lip.
"Captain Blueblood!" the nightmare apparition barked. "We have a situation!"
Blueblood sighed. This wouldn't turn out well. He returned his temporary peer's salute. "Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark. What has transpired?"
Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark of the Night Guard's scowl deepened. "We have received word of an insurrection in Ponyville. Princess Twilight Sparkle has overturned royal law and rejected the throne's authority."
He paused to let that sink in. Prince Blueblood felt his eyes bulge. Frolicsome Meadowlark continued.
"What's more, Princess Luna recently traveled to Ponyville on unspecified business. We have been unable to establish contact with her and must assume that she has been somehow waylaid or detained. On behalf of the Night Guard I have declared a state of emergency and formally request that the Royal Guard mobilize what forces are available for immediate deployment."
Blueblood stared for a moment, then shook his head and nodded. "Understood. Give my aide a summary of available Night Guard assets. We will initiate "Twilight Sparkle Goes Insane" contingency plan number four until more specific tactical information is available. You have received the post coronation updated version?"
Frolicsome Meadowlark nodded, saluted and left. Blueblood heaved a long sigh before pulling a locket out of his cumberband. Opening it he saw a picture of an adolescent version of himself in a tuxedo standing alone at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns New Year's Eve Formal a decade past. A lone tear fell down his cheek, but he wiped it away angrily.
"And now we shall settle old scores, Mutant Princess Nerdpony," he whispered darkly.
†
Applejack scowled as she saw the brown earth pony with the expensive tie standing at the fence that marked the boundaries of Sweet Apple Acres. "Whatever it is Ah don't wanna hear it," she said brusquely, determined to get back to her beloved manual labor as quickly as possible. "Just turn around and mosey on back the way you came before Ah say something we both end up regrettin."
"Applejack," Filthy Rich said with a swarmy smirk. "Just here to deliver a message. Hand over the felon who attempted to abduct my little girl and this doesn't have to get ugly. I'm going to see her back behind bars one way or another."
"You and what army?!" Applejack demanded angrily.
Filthy Rich gestured behind him to where a host of armed and armored Royal Guards with chariots and cannons and catapults were arrayed around the farm.
"Me and the Equestrian army."
Applejack gulped. "Oh horseapples."
That was a good army.
Author's Note
This chapter is brought to you by Patreon and the wise and generous SFaccountant
“Y'all are pretty good at this, Miss Trixie,” Big Macintosh admitted as he inspected the repairs to the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse.
Trixie smirked and twirled the little hammer with her magic. “Trixie was hardly going to pay somepony else to maintain Trixie's wagon. Of course Trixie would become every bit as handy at carpentry as Trixie is at everything else!”
“Handy?” Big Macintosh rumbled quizzically.
“You know…handy? Like a minotaur or jackalwere's front hooves?” Trixie explained.
“Jackalwere?” Big Macintosh asked, now even more confused.
“Like Ahuizotl in Daring Do,” Trixie elaborated.
“That's what that was?” Big Macintosh asked.
“Eyup,” Trixie said.
Big Macintosh couldn't help it. He laughed. Trixie joined in. It felt good. Eventually Big Macintosh settled down and said, “Thank you kindly for your help, Miss Trixie. AJ and I didn't feel right letting Apple Bloom and her little friends take on this job.”
“Twern't nothing,” Trixie said, continuing the joke with her impersonation of an Apple family accent. “Trixie was just doing mah job.”
Big Macintosh snorted, trying and failing to keep another laugh in. Trixie watched appreciatively as the big stallion shook with mirth. Finally he wiped the tears from his sudden snicker fit away and said, “Now that's just—"
Big Macintosh's sentence cut off as he hiccuped. Trixie grinned in turn when she realized what was happening. Big Macintosh tried to fix her with a gimlet stare, but his heart clearly wasn't in it. Instead he chuckled again and said, "Reckon we'd best head back—"
Trixie smirked as another hiccup interrupted Big Macintosh. "Fear not," she said loftily as she started back toward the farm. "Trixie is also an Equestria renowned mind reader and knows well the direction of Big Macintosh's thoughts!"
Big Macintosh started to say something, but Trixie cut him off by brushing her tail ever so lightly across the bottom of his chin and muzzle as she walked past. Big Macintosh flushed hard at that.
"Big Mac! Miss Trixie!"
Big Macintosh whipped his head to see his youngest sister come stumbling out of the trees. His embarrassment and involuntary interest in the swaying of Trixie's flank were both instantly forgotten as he took off at a trot. He reached Apple Bloom just in time to save her from a fall that would have left her flat on her face if he hadn't caught her. He patted her back with one hoof and scanned her for injuries as she gathered her breath and wits.
"Big Mac!" Apple Bloom shouted again once she regained her senses. "The guards are at the farm and they arrested Applejack!"
Big Macintosh's eyes widened but his voice was calm. "Tell me everything."
"Some ponies in armor were at the farm," Sweetie Belle cut in. Big Macintosh looked up to see his sister's little friend emerge from the tree line covered with dirt and twigs and leaves. "Rarity saw them coming into town and sent us to tell Applejack, but when we got to Sweet Apple Acres they were already there."
And then some of them saw us coming down the road and chased after us."
Two ponies in gold armor came crashing out of the forest right on cue.
"Halt, criminal scum!" one shouted. They skidded to a stop as they saw their quarry had company. More specifically, they skidded to a stop when they saw Big Macintosh standing next to their quarry and realized from the expression on his face that they were about as bucked as two ponies could possibly. Big Macintosh snorted angrily and pawed the ground once like a bull.
"Nope."
†
The door flap to Blueblood's field tent opened with an audible rip of heavy canvas. Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance stormed in looking like they were about to banish Blueblood to the moon or force him to fall madly in love with a cheese grater, respectively. It was a credit to their self-control that Cadance said nothing and Celestia confined herself to one word.
"Explain."
Blueblood kept his posture ramrod straight. Knowing that the future health and welfare of his penis might well hinge on this conversation he choose his words carefully.
"The Captain of the Night Guard informed me that a crisis had developed in Ponyville. The crisis stemmed from Princess Twilight Sparkle's reported nullification of Equestrian law and consequent declaration of her own sovereignty and independence from the rest of the country. Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark argued, and I concurred, that available Guard forces should be mobilized according to standing protocols."
Blueblood stopped talking and waited, resisting the urge to hold his breath for fear that he would pass out and wake up the pleasure stud of a clan of misandrist badger body-modification fetishists. Something strange happened.
Celestia blinked.
Blueblood had never seen Princess Celestia caught off-guard outside a handful of incidents involving a precocious filly Twilight Sparkle and hitherto unknown quirks of applied magical theory. Blueblood logically but incorrectly connected those incidents with the current situation and failed to realize that the reaction had been prompted by the mention of Celestia's sister.
Cadance took over Celestia's role as interrogator. "And you stayed behind here where it's safe?" she snapped.
Blueblood knew he was doomed if he tried to vacillate in any way. He met Cadance's gaze and said, "Yes. It was decided that mustering additional forces would go smoother with a known authority figure in charge instead of a bat pony."
"Was that Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark's idea too?"
Blueblood vaulted the trap without hesitation. "No, I pointed it out."
Cadance started to say more but Celestia cut her off. "That's enough Cadance. Blueblood made the right call given the facts."
"But Auntie!" Cadance protested. Celestia shook her head, her head furrowed.
"We need more information. I want you to send word to the Crystal Empire in case we need help talking Twilight down."
Blueblood cleared his throat. The two princesses looked at him.
"I don't think we should inform Prince Shining Armor about his sister until we know more," Blueblood said apologetically. His earlier forced calm was starting to fray around the edges.
Cadance slammed her forehooves onto the front of Blueblood's desk with a sound like a cannon's report. She glared down at him like an angry raptor and Blueblood noticed her horn was uncomfortably close to her face.
"Are you saying my Shining Armor can't be trusted?!" Cadance screamed. Her horn bobbed a couple inches closer to his eye.
"He wrote the plan saying not to trust him if his sister went Dark Queen Sparkle!" Blueblood squeaked back.
"...He did?" Cadance asked, suddenly uncertain.
Blueblood pointed to one of the papers on his desk. "Yes. Right here."
Cadance sidled over and began to read aloud. "And needless to say, if Twily does go full-blown 'All shall love me and despair' then for buck's sake don't bring me into it. My inability to fight my own sister would make me a massive liability and possibly a fatal one."
Cadance looked back at Celestia. "Huh."
"Yes, Shining Armor has always had an admirably realistic assessment of both his limits and his sister's mental stability," Celestia said absently.
"All shall love me and and despair," Cadance said thoughtfully. "I need to remember that one."
Celestia sighed. "I assume we're all thinking the same thing then?" she asked.
"If you're thinking 'Holy buck holy buck Cadance's horn nearly went through my face' then yes," Blueblood said.
Celestia ignored him. "I probably should have seen this coming at some point."
Celestia's sadness was palpable. Blueblood reached for his best chance of comforting her.
"We don't know that Twilight is acting maliciously or of her own initiative," he said hesitantly. "Preliminary intelligence suggests that she has a lesbian lover who is holding her leash."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I definitely should have seen that one coming," she said dryly.
Cadance giggled. "Well she had to get over her crush on you someday."
Celestia chuckled as well. "We'll postpone notifying Shining Armor. Blueblood, detail a half dozen guards to accompany me to Ponyville. And let's hope this isn't a plan seven situation because otherwise we are all going to die horribly."
†
"Trixie is not judging you," Trixie said as they walked down the path to Fluttershy's cottage. "Trixie is simply saying that you did not have to subdue them quite so many times. Trixie thinks that three times is enough."
"Nope," Big Macintosh said.
"Miss Trixie, that was really cool how you turned the tree into a catapult to hurl them all the way back to Sweet Apple Acres!" Apple Bloom chattered excitedly. She seemed well on her way to recovering from the scare. The resilience of youth was an amazing thing. Those two unicorn guards would probably be envious if they could see it and were still able to form coherent thoughts.
"Yes, Trixie's show-stopping ability combined with Big Macintosh's great strength did make for the most speculator sight and Apple Bloom should feel honored to have witnessed it," Trixie said airily. "Trixie thinks that it positively a crime that such an epic battle did not have more spectators to appreciate it."
Sweetie Belle looked less enthused. "Are you sure we should be here? Shouldn't we try to find Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie first?"
Apple Bloom snorted. "Y'all ever try findin' and catching Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie when they don't wanna be found? Nopony but Pinkie Pie has a chance of doing that."
Trixie looked back at Apple Bloom curiously. You mean that nopony but Pinkie Pie has a chance of finding Rainbow Dash," Trixie reasoned.
Apple Bloom shook her head. "Nopony else can find either of them or both of them. You ain't never seen Pinkie Pie play hide and seek with herself."
That mental image was enough to stop Trixie in her tracks. "What?" she said, her face twisting up in confusion.
"Don't try to think about it," Sweetie Belle advised.
"Yeah, that never ends well," Apple Bloom agreed.
Up ahead Big Macintosh stopped walking. Everypony else did the same. The path had opened into a clearing occupied by a postcard perfect cottage. A pretty yellow pegasus was sweeping the porch in front of it clean and singing happily while a petting zoo's worth of woodland critters helped. The only thing that marred the cuteness of the scene was the scowling bunny with the swagger stick and a carrot clenched in the corner of its mouth that was overseeing them and darting around to periodically thump whichever songbird or beaver he deemed to be slacking off.
The bunny was also the first to notice the newcomers. He ran over to Fluttershy and tugged on her mane to get her attention.
"Now Angel Bunny," Fluttershy began patiently. She winced at the sudden jolt of pain. "What have we talked about—Oh! Big Macintosh!"
"Howdy there, Miss Fluttershy," Big Macintosh rumbled in greeting. Fluttershy was smiling and so was he. It was hard not to, all things considered.
Fluttershy's gaze drifted back the way Big Macintosh had come. "Oh, hello Apple Bloom, hello Sweetie Belle, hello— AIIEE!"
Fluttershy shrieked and fled back into her cottage fast enough to put Rainbow Dash to shame.
Big Macintosh sighed as the cottage door slammed shut and the woodland critters scattered. He walked the rest of the way over and gave the cottage door two firm knocks.
"Miss Fluttershy?" he repeated patiently. "Ah need to talk to you about something important."
Loud but incoherent whimpers came from inside. Big Macintosh gave Trixie a dirty look.
"What?" Trixie said indignantly. Big Macintosh rolled his eyes and tried again.
"Ah promise nopony is gonna hurt you. Could you please—"
"Uh, Big Macintosh?" Sweetie Belle said nervously. "I don't think Fluttershy is the pony who needs to worry about getting hurt."
Something about her tone made Big Macintosh uneasy. He turned to see Trixie hastily turning her head and pretending she hadn't been ogling his flank. Then they both saw Angel behind them holding his swagger stick like a baton at the head of a small army of beavers, timberwolves, snakes of unusual size, nearly two dozen rodents of various types holding makeshift spears, manticores, bears and other angry woodland critters. An avian caw drew their attention skyward to see that the critter army had air support in the form of falcons, eagles, vultures, bats, flying squirrels and a very pissed off swarm of bees.
Big Macintosh and Trixie gulped. Angel Bunny smiled with sadistic glee and raised his swagger stick to signal a charge.
Author's Note
This chapter is brought to you by Patreon and the wise and generous SFaccountant
Cheerilee had a spring in her step as she walked out of the sofa shop with a fresh supply of quills in her saddlebags. It was a bit unusual for there to be groups of guard ponies marching through Ponyville on patrol but Cheerilee assumed it was just one of the other princesses visiting and didn't give it much thought since there weren't any screams. Cheerilee had a good book to read, a good friend to discuss it with later, copious note-taking supplies and the weather was gorgeous. As far as she was concerned all was right in Ponyville.
As was so often the case, Diamond Tiara killed Cheerilee's good mood.
"There she is!" the little filly shouted across the market. She pointed at Cheerilee with one forehoof while adjusting her ornate and almost foal-sized helmet with the other.
"Diamond Tiara?" Cheerilee said in confusion as two stony-faced guard ponies started toward her. "What are you doing?"
Diamond Tiara smirked. "Daddy had me deputized as an officer! Now halt, criminal scum!"
Cheerilee could have sworn she saw one of the guards roll his eyes at that, but they both kept coming towards her. She tried giving them an embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what Diamond Tiara is up to but I'm her teacher and whatever this is about I'm sure—Mmpf!"
Cheerilee was cut off by a cloth gag in her mouth. As she tried to speak through it she felt a rope snaking around her legs. The rope tightened and Cheerilee was suddenly yanked off of her hooves. She landed heavily on her side at just the right angle to see a unicorn in golden armor looking down at her. His horn was glowing gold. Cheerilee tried to struggle. She heard Diamond Tiara snickering and something inside Cheerilee snapped. She met the unicorn's gaze and her eyes widened, pupils dilating. The unicorn stood stockstill as the Stare hit him and the rope went slack.
Cheerilee spat out the gag as the unicorn magic holding it there vanished. "I don't know WHAT this is about—" she started to thunder before being cut off again by a hard hoof to the back of the head. She fell forward, unconscious.
"Sir, are you alright?" one of the other guards asked the unicorn.
The unicorn blinked and shook his head. "I, yes. Escort the prisoner back to Captain Frolicsome Meadowlark on the double."
The two guards saluted and hauled Cheerilee away. The unicorn looked down at the still smirking Diamond Tiara. "You actually turned out useful," he said, still dizzy from a mix of shock and bemusement.
Diamond Tiara grinned sweetly. "Was there ever any doubt?"
†
Big Macintosh gulped and looked the evil bunny general square in the eye.
"Now Angel," Big Macintosh said sternly. "Y'all know me. Ah'm friends with Miss Fluttershy and Ah ain't gonna do nothing to hurt her."
A flicker of uncertainty crossed the bunny's face. He glanced dubiously over at Trixie and then back to Big Macintosh. Big Macintosh pressed on.
"And you know mah little sister and her—".
Angel Bunny's eyes widened as he recognized Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. The malicious grin returned and he chittered something that probably meant something like "Make their death a slow one" as he signaled his critter army to charge.
And that was when the explosions started.
Big Macintosh's first thought was that the army of woodland critters had somehow produced a piece of artillery. His second thought was that the royal guard was attacking again and he didn't have time for a third thought because he was too busy being bodily hurled through the air toward the one place Trixie has deemed relatively safe and currently free of rabid furry killing machines: Fluttershy's cottage. More precisely, the second story window of Fluttershy's cottage.
Trixie, Big Macintosh and two little fillies crashed into Fluttershy's bedroom with an unholy racket. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle bounced to a stop in Fluttershy's bed. Big Macintosh smashed clear through an interior wall and came to a stop somewhere out of sight. Trixie landed on her hooves in the exact center of the room. Trixie smirked and instinctively tried to rise up on her hind legs but instead lost her balance and feel flat on her face.
A frightened "Meep!" came from in front of Trixie as she tried to recover from her pratfall. Trixie looked up to see a pretty yellow pegasus backing away from her in fear.
Trixie bent all of her amazing talents to thinking of something diplomatic to say. Right before she opened her mouth a white mouse leapt between her and Fluttershy. The little critter was brandishing a fork like a spear and squeaking fiercely. Trixie smirked.
"Really?" Trixie said as she charged her horn and flung the mouse off to the side. "As if a mere mouse could threaten the Great—"
Something changed. Trixie lowered her nose to see Fluttershy giving her a death glare.
"How dare you?" Fluttershy said in a voice much too soft to be so terrifying.
"Trixie was—" began Trixie.
"HOW DARE YOU?!" Fluttershy roared. The Stare intensified. Trixie felt her knees go weak as paralyzing and entirely rational terror swept over her. Fluttershy advanced, a falcon swooping down on its prey.
"I know that you're a bully and everything and that you TOOK OVER MY HOME and made me DANCE for you in my friend Rarity's socks right out in front of EVERYPONY and that you took my friend Pinkie Pie's mouth and messed up my friend Rainbow Dash's wings, but hurting a harmless little mouse that was just trying to protect me? REALLY?!"
Trixie felt the world fading away until nothing was left but those terrible, accusing eyes.
"Fluttershy, wait!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. Fluttershy glanced over at the bed and Trixie felt the Stare abate slightly.
"Girls!" Fluttershy said firmly. "I'll check on you in just a minute. Stay right there!"
"But Miss Fluttershy!" Apple Bloom protested.
Fluttershy turned a tiny bit of the Stare's power on the fillies.
"Girls! Behind the bed, now!" Fluttershy commanded. She then turned her full attention back to Trixie.
"You think you can hurt my friends and break into my home and SCARE THESE SWEET LITTLE ANGELS?! Fluttershy shouted as she resumed her role as the physical incarnation of Fear. "Discord! Come here, NOW!"
The bedroom seemed to ripple. A pattern on the carpet began to move, undulating of its own accord. A pair of eyes popped open and suddenly the shape was three dimensional. Then four dimensional. Six dimensions, eight, sixteen and at that point everypony present decided it was best to stop thinking about it.
"Fluttershy!" the spirit of Chaos and Disharmony shouted. "I didn't do it! Shining Armor is a liar!"
That's not important right now," Fluttershy said.
"I had to give that other captain something for borrowing his ship," Discord continued. "And they still haven't gotten the hang of treating baldness in his century and I thought he would really like Shining Armor's mane—"
Discord stopped in mid sentence. "Wait, what?"
Part of Fluttershy recognized that she should probably warn somepony about that. The rest of her stayed focused on the task at hand.
"This is the bully who took over Ponyville last year," Fluttershy said sternly. "She's up to something again."
Discord cocked his head. "Oh yes, I see what you mean. Looks like the entire town is on lockdown."
Fluttershy flinched. "What?"
"Mhm," Discord said. "Most of your friends have already been detained by the guards. They have reinforcements about to arrive; would you like me to divert them?"
"Yes!" Fluttershy said. Her voice was aghast. Discord bowed and snapped his fingers while Fluttershy resumed her attempt to bore a physical hole through Trixie's skull by glaring at her.
"Trixie—" began Trixie. Trixie stopped as the renewed Stare made her jaw clamp shut.
"You hurt my friends?!" Fluttershy whisper boomed again. "WHY YOU'RE JUST A GREAT BIG—"
"It weren't her," Big Macintosh rumbled.
Fluttershy, Trixie and Discord all looked over to see Big Macintosh emerge from the hole he'd made crashing through Fluttershy's bedroom wall. Judging from how drenched he was it seemed he had crashed into Fluttershy's bathroom. The spectacle of Big Macintosh with a wet mane and coat accentuating his hard farm pony musculature was so incredibly hot that it broke Trixie free from the Stare.
"That's right!" Trixie blurted. "Trixie is not responsible for Ponyville being occupied this time! Trixie even helped protect Apple Bloom and her squeaky little friend!"
"Hey!" squeaked Sweetie Belle. Everypony ignored her.
"Big Macintosh, is that true?" Fluttershy assertive whispered.
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eyup. We came to make sure that you were alright."
Big Macintosh have Discord a fisheyed look and nodded toward the window. "Some ponies seem to want to make things worse."
A halo appeared over Discord's head as everypony looked at him. "What? I just told Fluttershy what I saw!"
"We'll talk about that later," Fluttershy said firmly. Was it just Trixie's imagination or did Discord actually shrink when he heard that?
"What about my other friends?" Fluttershy continued.
Discord furrowed his brow. His eyelashes flew off his face and out the window. They came flapping back in a few seconds later, barking and growling as they did.
"Applejack and Rarity have been taken prisoner," Discord interpreted. He pulled a carrot from somewhere and tossed it to them. The two eyebrows began to snap and fight over the treat. "Pinkie Pie and the dumb one—"
"Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy said sharply.
Discord rolled his eyes and continued. "And Rainbow Dash are playing hide and seek with the Royal Guard in the Everfree Forest and seem to be winning. Twilight Sparkle is...oh dear."
"What?" Trixie, Fluttershy and Big Macintosh all asked at once.
"Uhm..." Discord began. "Didn't A Dance With Drakes finally come out last week?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said.
Discord shifted uncomfortably. "And doesn't Twilight normally meet the teacher pony for their book club today at about..." a watch with a working sundial appeared on Discord's wrist. "Twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Fluttershy confirmed.
"Oh dear," Discord said. "This could be bad."
†
Being part of the Equestrian Night Guard tends to give a pony first-hand experience with how dangerous an angry pony princess can be. Which is why Sunshine Smiles didn't waste time asking stupid questions when he saw Princess Twilight Sparkle teleport into being in front of his post at the Ponyville jail with her mane and tail replaced by living flame and shout "WHERE IS MY SPECIAL SOMEPONY?!" in full Royal Canterlot voice. The bat pony stomped his hoof on a trigger installed by the door and dove down onto his belly to present a smaller target while the force field the Day Guard unicorns had prepared sprang to life in a huge dome over the hastily fortified stockade.
It was probably a good thing that Sunshine Smiles buried his face in the dirt as he did this. Twilight Sparkle's eyes turned into glowing pools of painfully bright white light as half a dozen orbs of the same light shot out from her horn and orbited the building. One by one the orbs came to a stop at precisely equidistant points and began to emit humming beams of magical energy that struck the force field in unison and unmade the best defensive magic over two dozen military unicorns could put together like cobwebs dropped into the mouth of an erupting volcano.
Sunshine Smiles was very intimidated.
"Aaaah!" the dark imposing bat pony elite screamed as he ran away in terror.
Other guards came running out of or from behind other positions in response to the commotion. The last few stumbled out of the jailhouse just in time to see the entire structure snap open straight down the middle as Twilight Sparkle's magic ripped it apart. The two halves fell to either side with a unholy racket to reveal a maroon earth pony sitting on a cot and surrounded by a protective purple sphere.
"Twilight?!" Cheerilee said? She sounded very surprised.
Twilight's eyes stopped glowing and her mane and tail returned to normal at the sight of her favorite reading buddy.
"Cheerilee!" Twilight shouted in her normal voice. Are you okay?"
Cheerilee looked through the now pointless bars of her cell at a bat pony wearing an officer's uniform. She arched an eyebrow.
Frolicsome Meadowlark took that as his cue to depart. He made a squeaking sound, flapped his wings and took off in the opposite direction. Twilight's magic caught him by the tail, yanked him back and held him suspended in midair.
Twilight pranced forward angrily through the rubble to glare into his face at close range.
"Why did you kidnap Cheerilee!" Twilight demanded.
"Orders!" Frolicsome Meadowlark squeaked.
"From who?!" Twilight shouted.
Frolicsome Meadowlark opened his mouth, closed it and shook his head. Twilight's eyes began to glow again. The bat pony whimpered.
"Royal orders!" Frolicsome Meadowlark screamed. "Insurrection! We were sent to capture the lesbian lover who was holding your leash!"
"What?!" Cheerilee shouted. She seemed unsure whether to be angry or to blush.
Twilight scowled. "Just because I'm in love with Cheerilee—" she began.
"You're in love with me?" Cheerilee interrupted. She was definitely blushing now.
Twilight blushed too. "I was going to tell you at dinner. I had it all planned out."
"Aww!" Cheerilee cooed.
The scowl returned, deeper and fiercer. "YOU MADE ME BREAK MY SCHEDULE!" Twilight boomed into Frolicsome Meadowlark's face.
And that was when she noticed the eclipse.
"By our halidom, Twilight Sparkle," the original Princess Shouty Pants said as she stepped out of the shadows that suddenly covered the better part of the street. "Your Royal Canterlot Voice is developing nicely. But why do you assail the Captain of our Guard?"
"Princess!" Frolicsome Meadowlark gasped. "Twilight Sparkle has rebelled against the crown! Our orders came from Prin—"
Frolicsome Meadowlark was cut off as Twilight's magic shook him like a rag doll. He fainted.
Luna frowned. "Nay Twilight Sparkle. We must insist that you do not harm our leal servant."
Twilight turned to Luna. Her eyes glowed brighter than ever in the midday dusk.
"You sent your guards to Ponyville?" Twilight asked in a deadly, Fluttershy soft voice
Luna shifted uneasily. "I did. But let us explain—"
Twilight picked up one of the halves of the shattered jailhouse with her magic and swung it at Luna like a giant club.
Author's Note
This chapter is brought to you by Patreon and the wise and generous SFaccountant
"Check," Rarity said as an Ursa Major roared its obedience to the Princess of the Night's command.
Applejack chewed on the straw in her mouth, deep in thought. She slid a piece two squares forward just as the Ursa's battle cry turned into a wail of pain when Twilight spared enough attention to blast the summoned monster. The eclipse darkened sky lit up eerily with something like silent lightning as Twilight hastily fended off Luna's riposte and Applejack said, "Mate in two."
Rarity rolled her eyes at the obvious bluff. "Conceding already, darling?" she teased as the backwash of Luna's parried spell hit everypony in Ponyville with a mental picture so disturbing that nopony was likely to sleep for the next few nights. Rarity looked up at the terrified bat pony who was nominally guarding them and fluttered her eyes.
"Thank you ever so much for letting us have a game board to pass the time," she said. "I knew you didn't have to and it was very sweet of you, darling."
"NO MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK IN THE BOX!" the bat pony mewed as he watched the battle. He was clearly lost in some private madness.
"Land's sakes Rarity, could ya stop flirting with him and make yer move?" Applejack snapped testily.
Rarity huffed and moved her piece as the Ursa Major ripped what sounded like the town clock tower out of the ground and hefted it aloft to use it either as a club or a missile. "Really Applejack, there's no need to be rude. Check."
Applejack gave Rarity an unamused look. Magenta spell light reflected in her eyes as she did. "And there ain't no need to make nice with ponies that done trespassed on mah property and did Celestia knows what to our kin!" she shot back.
Applejack made another small move as she spoke. "Mate in one," she added.
Rarity sighed as the heavens above shrieked and the stars themselves ripped free from the firmament to arrange themselves into a series of new constellations. "Don't be uncouth. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding and that once it's settled everything will be back to normal and Twilight will write a letter to the Princess or something."
She levitated a piece and placed it down near the other end of the board. "Also, check."
The newly formed constellations blazed in gigantic runes of power and emitted an eldritch blast so unfathomably huge it left a thirty second gap in the memories of everypony who perceived it. A purple meteor came streaking down to smash into the Apple family's new barn as Applejack made her last move.
"Checkmate," Applejack said flatly. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go 'escape' and check on Twilight."
Rarity sputtered and glared at the board while Applejack kicked down the door of the makeshift stockade and shouldered past the gibbering guards who remained.
"Twi?" She called. "Y'all alright?"
The rubble shifted. Twilight emerged from what was left of the barn and staggered a few steps.
"I'm sorry Princess," she slurred woozily. "I didn't mean to stay up so late, but I'd only proofread my final draft eighty-seven times and I wanted to make it an neatly divisible number."
Twilight took another step, managing to move forward this time. Then she fell flat on her face.
The Princess of the Night picked that moment to arrive. She descended into the midday darkness on a single beam of moonlight. Her eyes glowed with that same fey light. They shone down on Applejack like twin spotlights as Luna towered over the little earth pony. When she spoke her voice was as absolute as the event horizon of a black hole.
"DAME APPLEJACK," she boomed. "YOU MUST STAND ASIDE, THAT WE MIGHT FINISH THIS."
Applejack didn't know exactly what 'finish' entailed in this context, but she was pretty sure it didn't mean a friendship report.
"Nope," she said. "Fraid Ah can't let ya do that."
Luna's anger became tinged with amusement. The Royal Canterlot Voice turned wry as she bespoke the grain of sand that defied the starry ocean of the night.
"AND PRITHEE, LITTLE PONY," she queried, "BY WHAT MEANS SHALL YOU PREVENT US?"
Applejack spat to one side and adjusted her hat. "Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee."
"But as fun as that would be to watch,” an annoyingly familiar voice cut in, “it would make Fluttershy cry."
Luna turned. Discord snapped his fingers. The eclipse ended as the moon turned into a giant wheel of green cheese and rolled off to knock over a set of bowling pin constellations that had replaced the star runes.
Luna's anger flared. "YOU DARE—"
An apple popped up into Luna's mouth and shut her up. Discord continued.
"And I'm still learning this whole 'friendship' thing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to let that happen. Sooo..."
A shiny badge appeared on Discord's torso. He tapped it officiously.
"Set phasers to 'harmonize."
Luna spat the apple out. "Discord, stop this immediately or—"
A beam of coruscating energy lanced from the sky and sent Luna flying. Applejack tracked the trajectory of the beam to see a silver saucer-shaped disk propelled by a pair of blue glowing engine nacelles swooping in from where the cheese-moon-bowling ball had rolled off to.
The badge on Discord's chest chirped and a voice with a stereotypical Highlands accent issued from it.
"Cap'n, we have a transporter lock!"
Discord tapped the badge and it chirped again. "Discord to Bridge. Make it so," he replied gravely.
"Don't hurt her!" Fluttershy fretted. Applejack looked back to see her friend standing behind the orchard fence next to Trixie and her siblings. She had a concerned look on her face.
Rubble shifted as Luna regained her footing. She started to flex her wings for a takeoff but paused when she saw the newcomers. Her eyes widened.
"Et tu, Fluttershy?"
Before anypony could reply Luna was enveloped in sparkling light. A few seconds later he was gone.
Applejack stared in horror. "What did ya do to her?" she said in a hushed tone.
Discord clapped his mismatched appendages together. "Oh, I sent her to a galaxy far, far away," he said dismissively. "She'll be fine. Now then..."
Discord crooked a clawed digit and the Apple homestead lifted up into the air, tilted to one side and shook until ponies came tumbling out. One of them was Filthy Rich.
"Is he the one?" Discord asked Fluttershy.
"Yes," Applejack and Trixie answered. Neither of them sounded happy.
Filthy Rich looked from Discord to Applejack and then back to Discord. He gulped and seemed to visibly screw up his nerve. Then he shoved one of the ponies with him forward.
"Deal with this," he said curtly.
The lawyer pony looked back at his employer incredulously. Filthy Rich made a shooing gesture with his hoof. The lawyer pony gulped, made a futile attempt to straighten his dirty, rumpled suit and turned to face Discord.
"Aren't you—" he choked and coughed, then tried again.
"Didn't you just violate a certain popular science fiction franchise's intellectual property rights?"
Dead silence followed. The words hung in the air. Discord heaved a sigh.
"Whelp," Discord said. "You got me."
Pinkie Pie jumped out from behind a bush and said, “Ooh, good one!”
Rarity jumped. “Pinkie Pie! Where did you come from?!”
Pinkie Pie made a shushing sound as she pulled a tub of popcorn out of her mane.
"Say what?" Applejack said.
Discord conjured up a small suitcase and began packing things much too bulky to fit into it. "Sorry ponies," he said, clearly annoyed. "But there are some powers even I don't dare challenge."
Discord snapped his fingers and a door appeared. "See you next week at the usual place!" he said to Fluttershy with jaunty wave as he opened the door and stepped through. "Ta!"
The door closed behind Discord and faded away. Then both door and draconequus were gone.
Everypony stared in silence as they processed Discord’s actions. Applejack was the first to break it.
“Will somepony please talk normal and explain what the hay just happened?
Silver light flared and a bedraggled looking Princess Luna descended from the night sky above Sweet Apple Acres.
“What happened, dear Applejack,” Luna said with a voice that mixed annoyance with smug satisfaction, “Is a reminder that there are powers greater than alicorns and spirits. Now then. Where were we?”
Luna landed awkwardly in front of Applejack and the demolished barn. She raised one eyebrow at the farm pony.
Applejack gulped, but she didn’t seem anymore inclined to back down than before.
“Ah was sayin’ that—”
“Twilight ain’t here no more,” Big Macintosh interrupted.
†
Low-hanging branches whipped at Trixie’s face as she tore through the woods at top speed with an alicorn princess slung over her back. Those same branches also slapped at Twilight Sparkle, the aforementioned alicorn passenger. This was of considerably less import to Trixie than the threat the stinging blows posed to Trixie’s beautiful face, but the moans they elicited did serve to notify Trixie that Twilight was regaining consciousness.
“Oh be quiet,” Trixie snapped as she leapt a narrow creek. “Do you have any idea how much other ponies would give to be in your position right now? Trixie’s flank is a rare—”
Trixie’s egotism proved painful enough to prompt a reflexive smack to the back of the head from one of Twilight’s forehooves. The impact knocked Trixie off her stride and sent her stumbling facedown into the only mud puddle in the vicinity. Trixie sputtered and floundered, her hooves suddenly tangled together beneath her.
Twilight Sparkle landed neatly on her hooves, having reflexively flapped her wings at just the right moment to turn her fall into a controlled landing. The two mares looked at each other.
“Trixie hates you, Twilight Sparkle,” said Trixie.
“That’s nice, Trixie,” said Twilight. “Now where are we?”
Trixie glared at Twilight but said, “Trixie ran into the deepest part of the forest to throw off any pursuit. Trixie is confident that Trixie plotted a sufficiently confusing course that any pursuers will be stymied—”
“Oh right, this is the way to Fluttershy’s cottage,” Twilight interrupted as she recognized their location “Why did you run straight here?”
Trixie glared harder. “...Trixie hates you, so much,” Trixie reiterated.
Twilight shook her head and started to roll her eyes, but the movement brought a wave of dizziness and nausea that sent her staggering sideways. She put a hoof up against a tree to steady herself while she waited for the world to stop spinning.
Trixie, being generous, merciful and compassionate, pulled a handkerchief out of her hat, wet it in the creek and levitated it over to press against Twilight’s forehead. “You should be grateful that Trixie is so generous, merciful and compassionate, Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie said humbly.
“Yes Trixie,” Twilight said in what Trixie thought was an insufficiently grateful tone. “Thank you so much for your help.”
Trixie decided to be magnanimous. “Trixie forgives you for the inconvenience,” Trixie said magnanimously.
The silence after that was awkward. “So, what do you suggest we do now?” Trixie asked. “Trixie asks so she can contrast your plan with Trixie’s better plan so that you can learn to be more like Trixie.”
Twilight sighed deeply. “What exactly happened? I remember doing something and then I slammed into the ground and everything went hazy.” Her eyes widened. “Cheerilee! I need to make sure Cheerilee is alright!”
The sudden outburst was enough to make Twilight swoon again. Against her better judgement Trixie sidled up close enough to prop Twilight up against the tree with her body.
“Discord and Applejack were distracting the scary alicorn when Trixie spirited Twilight away,” Trixie explained.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Discord! But—”
Twilight paused as she noticed the eclipse had ended.
“...Oh,” she finished weakly. She started to put things together in her head and concluded that whatever had happened it couldn’t be good.
They stepped out past the tree line and found themselves looking at Fluttershy’s cottage. Twilight looked at Trixie and raised an eyebrow.
“Deepest part of the forest, huh?” Twilight asked, deadpan.
“Oh shut up,” Trixie groused.
Something very bright shined overhead and an authoritative voice called out, “TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”
Twilight and Trixie looked up to see Celestia descend from on high accompanied by Blueblood and a coterie of guards. Blueblood and the guards were wearing form-fitting red jumpsuits and everypony was covered with what appeared to be bubblegum. Celestia in particular seemed to have her wings half-immobilized with the stuff. None of them looked happy.
“Oh buck,” Trixie said.
Author's Note
This chapter is brought to you by the wise and generous SFaccountant .
"We are most impressed, Dame Lulamoon," Luna said as she began to pace around the magician in a slow circle. "We would not have thought anypony alive capable of piecing together the disparate shards of truth to pierce Our deception in days gone by."
“Disparate shards," Trixie gulped. "Pieced together. Yes. Trixie did that."
"And passing bold as well," Luna continued. "To a degree few mares of this present age could rightly claim. We can scarcely believe even one pony in ten thousand would dare such a challenge knowing the horrors We and our sister can unleash."
"Trixie is very bold!" Trixie blurted. "That is how Trixie became so Great and Powerful!"
Luna cocked an eyebrow. "Indeed? Prithee, fair Lulamoon, do elaborate. We have more than a passing knowledge of the dark entities that stand ready to answer the call of those whom dare to seek for power beyond themselves."
Trixie noticed that the room seemed to be getting darker. She swallowed, choked and then managed to stammer, "Trixie only meant that Trixie has always strove to make herself the best and to rise above her humble origins."
“Verily?” Luna mused. “What say you, sister?”
Celestia stood silent in the back of the room. She regarded her former student with a look that would have been regal and intimidating if she hadn’t still been trying to get the bubblegum out of her coat and wings. “I think,” she said, “that what matters is finding out what we missed. It brings me no pleasure to harm you Trixie, but you knew the risks when you started this.”
Celestia shook her head. “Luna, are you ready to cast the Mindsifter spell?”
Trixie stammered, clearly terrified. Before she could say anything coherent the doors to the chamber burst open. Twilight and her friends rushed in, followed by Cadance.
“Princess Celestia, wait!” Twilight shouted. She wobbled a bit as she stopped. “Trixie doesn’t deserve any more punishment!”
Celestia shot a hard glance at Cadance, who mouthed something in return. “I’m listening,” Celestia said.
Twilight struggled to compose herself. “I know that Trixie is arrogant and she likes to brag and make up stories. And I know that’s really irritating and sometimes it leads to stupid ponies doing dangerous things because they believe her. And that was wrong of her and she shouldn’t do it, but she doesn’t deserve to be thrown in a dungeon or banished or thrown in a dungeon in the place that she’s banished to for it!”
Applejack chimed in. “Darn tootin’. Trixie may be dumber than a bucket full of mud and she’s annoying and lazy and won’t stop droolin’ over my brother and can’t work worth a pile of beans, but she…”
Applejack trailed off. She wasn’t sure where she had been going with that line of thought.
Celestia continued to regard her former student. Twilight fidgeted. “And I know I shouldn’t have overreacted when the Guard arrested Cheerilee, but Cheerilee’s a really good friend and I was about to ask her out on a date and—”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Date?”
Twilight blushed. “Yes. It was on my to-do list for the day and…”
Twilight babbled on. Celestia and Luna both glanced at Cadance, who mouthed ‘holding her leash’ and rolled her eyes. Finally Celestia cut Twilight off.
“Congratulations Twilight! You have passed my secret test of character!”
“What?” said Twilight, Trixie and Luna at more or less the same time.
Celestia continued. “Being a princess requires more than just faithfully following instructions. Sometimes ponies in authority abuse their power and act out of petty or evil motivations. Even ponies you think you should trust completely! I had to make sure you understood that and were willing to stand up for what you thought was right no matter what the circumstances, which is why I set up this whole situation with Trixie’s help.”
“Trixie helped?” Trixie said, clearly confused.
“Really?” Twilight said, clearly skeptical.
“Indeed!” Luna chimed in as she caught on. “My sister is after all well known for the strange and seemingly arbitrary tests she inflicts upon her students. Thus it is entirely believable that she would do such a thing and act in what appeared to be a tyrannical and unjust manner!”
“That is true,” Twilight said thoughtfully.
Applejack blinked, then comprehension dawned. “Oh, Ah get it! Makes sense. After all, it’s not like anypony would ever really believe that Luna and Celestia became princesses by making a pact with the king of the windigos to sacrifice phoenix eggs and the flutter ponies to him,” she said with a laugh.
Celestia gave Trixie a hard look. “Making up unbelievable stories that are completely untrue is a terrible thing to do,” Celestia said sternly.
“Verily!” Luna chuckled. “Tis a bald-faced lie!”
Trixie got it. She puffed out her chest and said, “Of course! The Great and Powerful Trixie is happy to have been of service to the princesses in arranging this matter! Trixie also wishes to remind Princess Celestia of the reward Trixie was promised for doing so.”
Celestia and Luna both glared at Trixie. Trixie scooted back a few steps in an attempt to place Twilight between herself and any incoming magical violence. When Twilight looked up at Celestia the glare was gone and had been replaced by Celestia’s usual gentle reserve.
“Indeed I do remember, Trixie. And I think we all know where we should start.”
†
“Hello Ponyville. My name is Filthy Rich, and I have a very small penis.”
The assembled population of Ponyville listened in silence in front of Ponyville Town Hall. Filthy Rich gulped.
“I have always been a very insecure stallion due to my penis being so small,” he recited. “That’s why I’ve always been so obsessed with making money and putting my name and brand on everything I could.”
He gestured to Trixie and Applejack. “I even abused my wealth and power to try to have these two mares imprisoned on false charges because my ego was challenged. But in the end, it was all just an elaborate way of saying ‘don’t look at my penis.’ I realize that now.”
He turned toward Applejack and bowed his head. “Applejack, I’ve known you since you were a little filly, and I’ve known your grandma since I was a foal myself. I should never have intruded on your property, and I definitely should have taken your advice over my daughter’s.”
“Hey!” Diamond Tiara protested. Everypony ignored her.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Filthy Rich asked.
Applejack spat on her hoof and extended it. “Ah already have, Filthy.”
The crowd stomped their feet. Princess Celestia nodded approvingly. Filthy Rich grimaced and bumped Applejack’s hoof with his own. Then he turned to Trixie.
“And I owe you an even bigger apology, Miss Lulamoon. I should never have tried to make you pay for my daughter’s arrogance and misbehavior. For that reason, and because my insecurity makes me a poor role model, I would like to ask you to take my daughter on as your personal apprentice so that she might learn to be as great and powerful and virtuous as you.”
Trixie considered that. The crowd held their breath and unconsciously leaned forward.
“Yes,” Trixie said. “Trixie will take your daughter Diamond Tiara on as Trixie’s personal student, for a nominal fee to be discussed later.”
“What?!” Diamond Tiara screamed, but she was drowned out by the cheers of approval from the crowd.
When the applause ended Celestia and Twilight stepped forward. Twilight cleared her throat. “Part of friendship is knowing how to say you’re sorry and knowing when to accept an apology. As the Princess of Friendship I hereby formally end Trixie’s community service and declare her fully rehabilitated!”
Twilight looked up at Celestia and whispered, “That makes sense, right?”
Celestia nodded.
More applause. Trixie looked relieved and began scanning for Big Macintosh.
Celestia spoke once the cheering died down again. “Moreover, in recognition of Trixie Lulamoon’s achievements it is my pleasure to declare that you have retroactively graduated from my School for Gifted Unicorns with highest honors!”
An appreciative “Oooh” went up from Twilight. The crowd mimicked her. Trixie looked startled, but pleased.
Celestia’s smile turned predatory. “And as a distinguished expert on unicorn magic you are now ready to carry out an important new task on behalf of Equestria.”
Trixie looked startled. “What? I mean, of course Trixie is.”
Celestia nodded. “I will not mince words; it will be difficult and dangerous. But I have every confidence that you will make me proud, my faithful student.”
Twilight beamed. “Congratulations Trixie! Giving homework is how Princess Celestia shows she cares! I’m so happy for you!”
Trixie’s smile became frozen as more cheering washed over the stage. Celestia winked and turned away to say something important sounding. Trixie snuck off stage before something else happened. Twilight followed.
Apple Bloom tackle hugged Trixie once they arrived backstage. “Trixie!”
“Omph!” Trixie said, staggering against the force of the Apple filly projectile.
“Ah’m so glad that you’re okay!” Apple Bloom shouted excitedly. “Are ya really going to be Diamond Tiara’s new teacher?”
Trixie chuckled and ruffled Apple Bloom’s mane. “Of course, little Apple Bloom. Trixie is forgiving and magnanimous, and as good at teaching as she is at everything else.”
“You’ve been a teacher before?” enquired Cheerilee.
Trixie waved a hoof dismissively. “No, but how hard can it be?”
There was an awkward silence. Twilight broke it by saying, “So… Are we still on for our book date tonight?”
Cheerilee smiled warmly. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Princess.”
Twilight blushed furiously. “Uhm… actually I was hoping I could call you Princess.”
Big Macintosh stepped into view. Trixie tried to think of something to say.
“Big Macintosh! You have come to greet the Humble and—”
Big Macintosh walked over without a word, grabbed Trixie and pulled her in for a hug. This short-circuited Trixie’s ability to speak more handily than lack of knowledge, understanding or general lack of thought ever could.
Big Macintosh held the hug for awhile. Trixie decided that Big Macintosh was good at hugging. Being held against his chest felt very pleasant.
Finally he let her go and said, “Ah really appreciate you looking out for my sister like that. You’re a good pony underneath and Ah’m glad I got to know you.”
Trixie stood there, stunned. Finally she said. “...Would Big Macintosh like to go get some hay fries with Trixie?”
Big Macintosh nodded. “Eyup.”
Author's Note
Trixie and Big Macintosh's story will be continued in The Six Labors of Lulamoon .
Many thanks to the wise and generous SFaccountant .
