Behold, your new princess!
The warm morning sun poured in through the open window, striking Rainbow Dash square in the face as she tried to snatch a few more hours of sleep before she was forced to get up. With a groan, she rolled over to avoid the light and bury her head in her pillow.
“Yowch!” She gave a cry of alarm as she rolled over, something stopping her from moving face-down in her pillow. Giddily, she sat up, shaking the last of the sleep from her system. It was then that she came to a shocking discovery.
“I’m blind! I’m blind!” Rainbow Dash screeched, flailing her hooves around. Before her stretched a sea of blackness. “Help! Help!” As she gathered her senses, she realised that she wasn’t blind, it was just the pillow that was stuck to her face.
She tried to swipe it off, but there was a strange tugging sensation on her head again. Inwardly cursing Applejack for clearly playing some sort of trick with glue on her, she yanked the pillow away as hard as she could. Holding it before her, she could see a hole neatly drilled through the centre.
“What the…” Rainbow Dash put a forehoof to her head in confusion and froze. Rather than the smooth, shapely pegasus forehead she had known and loved, her hoof was touching the horn of a unicorn. Immediately she bolted upright and darted to the bathroom, staring in the mirror.
There was no doubt about it. She had a horn. Quickly she checked her wings, to make sure they were still there. They were.
Rainbow Dash let out a little girlish giggle of glee, but restrained herself. This could still be some sort of mean trick. Gingerly, she prodded the horn in case it had been glued on as she slept. It did not budge. “Oh gosh, oh gosh!” she squeaked to herself, barely able to contain her excitement. “I don’t believe it! Princess Celestia must have read my letter!”
In fact, Rainbow Dash had diligently written a letter a day to Princess Celestia the moment that Twilight had ascended to alicornhood, pointing out in great detail why she too was a good candidate. She imagined she had sent a good few hundred, but as the saying goes, ‘if you fling enough mud at a wall, some will stick.’She had also sent a couple of crates of potato vodka to sweeten the deal. Twilight had always told her that bribery never worked, but clearly Twilight was wrong!
“Woo!” Rainbow Dash leaped into the air, doing a somersault of victory. “Princess Rainbow Dash!” she shouted, getting used to the sound. “Princess Rainbow Dash!” She paused, posing in front of the mirror with a smug smile. “Princess Rainbow Dash!”
She started to hyperventilate, a thousand ideas coursing through her head. “Oh boy, Rarity’s gonna be so pissed!” she giggled, breaking into a wide grin. “And Applejack! I’m gonna be the best princess ever! There's twenty percent more princesses now!” She mentally hoofbumped herself for such a witty joke.
She sat for a moment, frantically contemplating what her first princessly duty would be. Then inspiration struck and she grabbed a pen and paper. Experimentally she strained with her horn, a vague magical aura enveloping the pen. With a puff, she dropped it, and picked the pen up in her mouth. There was time for practice later. Carefully, she wrote:
‘Dear Wonderbolts,
Hi, how are you? I am a princess now.
Just saying.
Love, PRINCESS Rainbow Dash’
“Yessss!” Rainbow Dash fell onto her back, hugging the letter. “This is gonna be so good! I’ve got to tell Applejack first! No, Rarity! I can’t wait to see her face!” She clambered to her hooves again and stared out of the window. Below, Ponyville stretched out beneath her.
“My new kingdom…” she breathed. “I wonder if that means Twilight’s gonna have to give me half of her tree-castle thing?” She wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to live in a tree-castle, but decided she could always dock her cloud to it.
She was busy dreaming up ways of decorating her half-castle when she tripped over an envelope that had landed on the doorstep. She picked it up, inspecting it. It was made from thick expensive paper, with inlaid silver and her name written on the front in ornate script. Rainbow Dash savoured the moment before opening it – as a princess, she would obviously have to employ ponies to do menial tasks for her, like open envelopes, brush her teeth and wash. She gave another giddy cry of joy at the realisation she would never have to wash herself again, before ripping free the letter and reading the contents.
Dear RAINBOW DASH,
As you may know, today is the yearly Equestrian Honours Event, where I, Princess Celestia, reward the loyal inhabitants of Equestria. You have been nominated for an award, and in light of your great contribution to our nation, I have duly decided to award you PRINCESSHOOD.
A certificate will be in the post.
Yours,
Princess Celestia.
“Yes! Yes!” Rainbow Dash kissed the letter, holding it tight like a lover. That explained everything! There wasn’t even the chance it was a mistake. It was all there in black and white (and gold!)! Usually the only awards given out were medals for ‘Being Nice’ or a certificate for ‘Not Turning Evil’. “Oh heck, this is gonna be awesome!” she squealed, holding back from zooming out of the door and screaming her new rank to all and sundry.
She could finally join the Wonderbolts! She wouldn’t have to work again! She wouldn’t have to pay for anything again! But more importantly…
Rainbow Dash ran to her dresser and picked out a large top hat, placing it on her head. It disguised her horn entirely.
It was time to have some fun with her friends!
***
“Oh, Rarity!” Rainbow Dash stood on the doorstep of the Carousel Boutique, rapping impatiently at the door with her hoof. She adjusted the hat on her head for maximum dramatic revelation, patting down the tufts of mane that stuck out of the side. As the door started to open, she did her best to hold back her cheesy grin into a more somber expression.
“Yes? Oh, hello Rainbow,” Rarity opened the door, bleary eyed, blinking in the sunlight. “It’s before lunch, this is early for you, is something wrong?”
“Nope!” The grin crept back across Dash’s face. “Just thought I’d see my best friend in the whole world!”
“What do you want?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Look, it’s not the best time for this, darling, can you come back la –”
“I just want to doff my hat to my best friend!” Rainbow Dash gave a smug grin, pulled the top hat off her head and bowed to Rarity in one swift motion, thrusting the horn into her face. She stayed in her bowing position for a few moments to get the maximum effect, but the expected scream of jealousy never came.
“I’m, uh, a princess now,” Rainbow Dash got up to look at Rarity, pointing at the horn on her head. “That means you’ve got to be nice to me and give me stuff.”
“Yes, well, about that…” Rarity put on a rather sheepish expression, and by way of response unfurled the two great wings that had been hidden at her side.
“Dammit!” Rainbow Dash swore loudly.
“I got this delightful letter in the post,” Rarity began. “It seems we have both been honoured by –”
“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “I knew I should have visited Applejack first!”
“Hi, girls, how are you both this… oh for the love of…!” Twilight Sparkle trotted up to the two friends, her face a mixture of horror and surprise. She started to twitch as she looked at Rainbow Dash, then to Rarity, and back to Dash again. “Seriously? Seriously?”
“Yeah, isn’t it great!” Rainbow Dash beamed. “All three of us are princesses now! I guess that means we get to move in with you!”
“Ugh!” Twilight held up a piece of cardboard. “All I got was this!” On the cardboard was written:
‘This certificate is given to Twilight Sparkle for the achievement of: NOT TURNING EVIL.’
“It’s a lovely certificate, dear,” Rarity said politely. “It will go very nicely on the wall of our tree-castle. I've actually had some ideas for a new decor.”
“But… but…” The colour drained from Twilight's face, and she fell to her haunches. “But I spent years being Princess Celestia’s student, fighting all manner of evil forces and studying so hard. That’s why I became a princess! How… how…”
“Well,” Dash thought about this for a moment. “I guess it’s because I’m pretty awesome.”
“And I make marvellous hats!” Rarity added. “Princess Celestia was probably won over by the hats. I've been posting her some samples!” She leaned in to Rainbow Dash, tapping her nose conspiratorially. “Along with a few crates of potato vodka.”
Twilight scrunched up her face. “Fine,” she muttered. “It’s going to be a hoofful dealing with two new princesses, I don’t know what Celestia was thinking!”
“Boy howdy!” Applejack trotted up to the trio, fanning her new wings and swinging her head from side to side in order to show off the horn that now poked through her hat. “Bein’ a princess sure is hard work! It’s gratifyin’ to know that Princess Celestia finally recognised that mah apple-growin’ was just as important as all of Twilight’s silly dilly-dallying!”
“Applejack!” The three friends chorused in shock.
Rainbow Dash put on a smile for her friend, but secretly she felt her stomach drop as she realised her new-found royal title wasn’t quite as rare as she had thought. “Huh, I guess Princess Celestia made all of us princesses.”
“Hi!” A shrill voice screamed from overhead.
Rainbow Dash could make out an orange blur, as a tiny alicorn flew by. “Scootaloo?” she mouthed in shock. “Princess Scootaloo?” She started to furiously punch herself on the ear in case she was dreaming.
Twilight’s gaze was fixed in absolute dismay at the sight of Scootaloo. So much so, she didn’t notice at first that Lyra was prodding her in the back. She turned around with a huff. “What?”
“Hi, Twilight. So…” Lyra began, a grin on her face. “Bon-Bon and I want to move into the tree-castle right away. How many servants do we get each? Do we have Spike on a timeshare, or are there more dragons?” She flapped her new-found wings impatiently.
“No! No! No!” Twilight staggered away from the scene, looking all around her. From every corner of Ponyville, ponies were emerging from their houses, proudly inspecting their new-found wings and horns. “Come on! Come on! I want to be a unique snowflake!”
“And you are, my faithful student!” came a voice from on high. Everyone looked upwards as from the sky in a halo of light descended the princesses Celestia, Luna and Cadance. Celestia smiled warmly at Twilight. “Now everyone is a unique snowflake!” she announced to Ponyville. A cheer went up throughout the townsfolk.
Cadance beamed. “When reviewing the contributions of every pony for this year’s Equestrian Honours Event, we realised that every pony had what it took to become a true alicorn!”
“And we absolutely did not get wasted on cheap potato vodka!” Luna added.
“No, no, that did not happen!” Celestia nodded firmly.
“But… but Princess…” Rainbow Dash ran forwards, bowing before Celestia. “I wanted to be a special pony princess! But if everyone is a princess, then… no-one is a princess!”
“Yes, that is true.” Celestia motioned towards Luna and Cadance. “Appendage inflation can greatly distort the economy, which is why…” With a flash, the three were engulfed in a golden light. When the light faded, the three princesses were the proud recipients of giant golden sparkling wings and horns shaped like antlers.
“Behold, the new form of princesses!” Cadance announced proudly.
Rainbow Dash tapped her now inadequate horn forlornly. “So, uh, I’m not a princess then?”
“No,” Celestia replied imperiously, flapping her gold sparkly wings. “This is what a princess looks like now, my faithful subject.”
Twilight stared at her own wings expectantly. When no change occurred, she gazed up at Celestia with a slight hint of desperation. “Uh, Princess, I think you forgot me!”
“Yes, of course!” Celestia waved her wing, and Twilight was caught in a brilliant light.
As the light faded, Twilight looked down proudly at one giant golden wing. She then looked at the other side. There was just a normal wing.
“The new path to princesshood is twice as hard!” Celestia announced, taking to the air. “But I have faith in you, my little ponies!”
With that, the three princesses took to the skies and flew away.
There was silence in Ponyville as every pony tried to process what had just happened.
Rainbow Dash sat back down, staring longingly at the departing Celestia’s golden wings and antler-horn. “Damn,” she muttered, looking at Twilight. She stood up and clapped her forehooves together as a plan formed in her head. "Right!" she announced. “Who knows where to get lots of potatoes and a bathtub? It's time to send the princesses some more vodka!”
