Dear Princess Celestia:
Today I learned the value of friendship through Hashing.
Hashing is a quasi-sport where alcoholic primates run around like fools. Lucky Stiff was my guide in this endeavour.
It begins when the leaders, who go by the name of Bag Lady IV and Pump It Up, and who were guest ‘Religious Advisers’ to the group, gather up the pack of primates. Announcements were made. My Scrotum and Christiana were named Hash Whips. Typically Hash Whips are sent looking for good and bad behavior from the primates.
Visitors and newcomers, who are referred to as virgins, were introduced. Their names were Gesleen, Katie, Jersey and Michelane. Visitors Chanter and Clairvoyant hail from Australia.
I had thought primates dressed like this every day, but Lucky explained to me that this was a themed run. The theme was ‘The Nerd Run’ which is why he invited me. I am the nerdiest pony he knows. I admit that I am a nerd, and a geek, but he didn’t have to say it like that (jerk).
The hares, who are the ones that set the trail, were late and disorganized. They set a trail with dead ends and false trails that would eventually lead them to a reward of drinks and snacks. Doctor Diddle and Major Bucking Bone Head explained the markings to the virgins. The hares made marks on the ground with a can. The can had holes punched in the bottom and it was filled with flour. One can was marked ‘MC2’and the other ‘E’. It was explained to the group that they are equal to each other. The hares think that it is as simple as energy being equal to mass times the speed of light squared, silly monkeys.
There was a water troll there also. I could smell it before I saw it. The hares warned the pack that there were many puddles on the trail. The group was informed that the troll would try to splash as many primates as it could. Then they were off. There is nothing more amusing than watching bipedal primates trying to gallop.
There was an actual knight named Sir Nookie whose child bride was LadyMud Vessel. He looks to be as old as Discord himself. Oops, sorry Princess, I did not intend any disrespect. Lucky Stiff is using a picture of ‘himself’ on a social network. We’re going to have a long talk about that.
I met a fellow herbivore named Whack Off. Previously, he ran with the pack, but now he walks with the walkers. He said he wore his body out running marathons. A valiant hero, or so I thought. He then had the gall to ask me how ponies masturbate with hooves! I said it was called ‘clopping’ and left it at that.
The water troll was in fine form splashing the primates from any puddle it could find. It was a hot muggy day and the primates didn't seem to mind that much. Some even splashed it back which didn't bother it.
The water troll said the guest Religious Advisers should run for election next year. It also said that they were too illiterate to do the job. (Mental note, do not listen to trolls).
A couple of weeks ago the water troll was splashing primates from a small creek when it kicked a rock and hurt its foot. The poor thing.
Lucky Stiff is fond of telling me of the lovely trails in and around Edmonton and I was so looking forward to running on them. We were both sorely disappointed. The pack of primates, (Lucky says they prefer to be called hashers), ran around a very seedy part of town always on pavement. We finally came to a nice ravine and the hashers and myself were about to go down it when Lucky said he knew a shortcut. He said it’s not against the rules because there are no rules and this is chaos. Sounds like ‘himself’?
One of the Hashers is a retired constable named Witless Protection. His old beat was this area when it was the Town of Jasper Place a century ago. He told me a story of when local street punks picked a fight with him. He told them he couldn’t fight them in uniform and would come back after his shift. He did, but the ruffians never show up. WitlessProtection represents the element of loyalty.
A pretty filly named Knock-hers was stretching her leg on a lamp post. To the Hashers, it looked as if she was pole dancing in front of an obscene book store. Lucky just stood there and drooled. She and her girlfriend had rainbow apples on their chests. I’ll have to ask Rainbow Dash or Applejack what that means. Lucky just stared at them (the apples) and drooled.
The Hash has a spin-off group called The Book Club Hash. Lucky mentioned that some of them read electronic books. Please. Sentient monkeys reading books made of electricity. Idiocy.
We did walk through a very nice well treed area with some very nice cottages. Then we came to some old slum where the hares had stashed ale and water for the hashers.
There was a hasher there named Bewildered Beast. He was wearing a shirt with a picture on the back of two stallion unicorns. Oh my stars, I did not know unicorn stallions did that to each other. Earth ponies, obviously, Pegasus, probably. You know what they say about all the good ones. Maybe that’s why this unicorn can’t get a date.
The pack of primates, sorry, hashers walked back to the start where volunteers had set up ice cold ale, cider, water, and fruity drinks. They dove right into that and began drinking and socializing (grooming each other).
Wee Dribble sprayed the water troll with a garden hose. It seems that the troll has an aversion to clean water and bathing. The Hash Whips rewarded Wee Dribble for this and his Hash-man like behaviour for leading some of the hashers on a short cut. They gave him more ale to drink.
Remember when I said the Hares were much disorganized? They asked Mammary Laps to wright the run report after Lucky volunteered to do it. Mammary is very buzzy with her job, her volunteer work and the Hash. Whereas Lucky just watches cartoons until the tavern opens. Mammary is the songmeister of the Hash. She leads the pack in song before a punishment or reward. (All involve ale). Mammary represents the element of laughter and partying.
The Hares quizzed the pack showing them pictures of famous nerds and asking questions. I, of course, scored one hundred percent. I even knew that the term ‘nerd’ was coined by Dr. Seuss, real name Theodor Seuss Geisel. As well as Albert Einstein came up with that E=MC2manure.
It seems that the names the hashers have are earned. I was privy to a very special ceremony where Gordon was named. He showed up to the run in a geeky shirt not knowing it was a nerd run. Bewildered Beast quizzed him on his geekyness and henceforth and forever more will be known as Obi Wan Cum Blow Me.
Alana, Legs Benedict, Porta Party, and Idiot Savant were rewarded for having birthdays.
Doctor Diddle charged Victor with something. It turned out to be false charges and Doctor Diddle was water boarded with ale. No intelligence was gathered.
Northern Exposure is in charge of rewarding Hashers who have accomplished certain milestones. She represents the element of generosity. Bag Lady IV had achieved 450 runs. Pump it Up, 550. Mammary Laps came in at 650 runs.
Lucky Stiff went on a rant against his arch nemesis Idiot Savant. Something about feeling good about himself and coming out as a Brony. Or he was just stealing ale. Poor soul is delightfully insane. Do primates have souls? I think not.
A very naughty primate named Problem Child was punished twice for wearing very ugly shoes and not dressing up as himself. He splashed poor Mammary Laps while she was caught on a fence. His mate, Tie Me Up, was punished for knowing him. She was made to use a Loopty-Hoop.
The virgins, Gisele, Katie, Jersey and Michelane were rewarded for losing their virginity and given ale.
The visitors, Chanter and Clairvoyant from Australia were welcomed and given ale.
After the ceremonies, rewards and punishments, the Hashers go to a tavern to drink even more ale. I got a ride in Lucky Stiff’s vehicle. I swear by You, that primates have no sense of smell. At the tavern he went straight for the ale. Then he started telling anypony who would listen about Bronies. I enjoyed a nice cup of mint tea and observed.
One of the hashers is a fashionista named Chapped Lips. She set up her stall and sold some of her wears. I didn’t see anything I liked. She does know how to handle nerd males such as Bone Head.
In conclusion, I found the primate hashers to be very friendly and geeky; they possess some of the Elements of Harmony.
I am reminded of a quote by Simon Pegg.
“Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating.”
Your most faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
p.s. If I were you Princess, I would send every bucking one of them to the mother bucking moon!
XOXOXO, Twi.
Author's Note
Photographs in this report have been ponified to protect the guilty.
