Walker: Equestrian Ranger
“Alright Walker, so let me see if I've got this straight,” Trivette said slowly. “They kidnapped the school bus full of disabled children because they needed to harvest cerebral fluids from brains of a specific age to make their new drug.”
“Yeah, that's right,” Walker confirmed as he peered through his binoculars at the compound in the clearing past the tree line.
“And they're doing this on the reservation because that way they can use the skinheads as cheap muscle in exchange for a cut of the drugs and the chance to commit hate crimes against your Cherokee friends.”
“Yup,” Walker said as he ducked back behind the bush and signaled to their companions. Trivette looked back, following the gesture.
“And we can't wait for backup because some of them have been transformed into vampires through repeated Satanic blood-drinking rituals and therefore we have to go in before sundown, otherwise they'll start eating the disabled children.”
“We have backup,” Walker said confidently as the wolf pack he had summoned filtered in silently through the trees in response to his wordless command.
Trivette shook his head ruefully.
“I swear Walker, my life has gotten weirder and weirder since I started working with you.”
Walker grinned. “No one ever said being a Ranger was easy. Let's go.” With that, he rose and started towards the clearing.
“Walker!” Trivette hissed urgently as he began to follow. Walker paused and looked back. Trivette nodded to the gun that remained holstered at Walker's hip. Walker rolled his eyes at the unnecessary regulation but drew his sidearm to make his partner happy. Trivette shook his head again as he did the same. One more day in the life of a Texas Ranger.
†
Fluttershy was having a bad day.
It had started well enough, with Angel willingly eating the breakfast she had provided for him and her songbird friends performing an impromptu musical number with her as she went about her daily chores. The weather had been gorgeous and she had been skipping through the woods looking for herbs to use in her veterinary duties and looking forward to her spa appointment with Rarity that afternoon when she had realized she was no longer alone. She had turned smiling at first, wondering if she was going to finally have the chance to make friends with some of the reclusive timberwolves. That smile had quickly turned to unease as she saw black hooded ponies blocking the path she had just come down. She had let out a squeak of alarm, turned and run, only to smack headlong into an enormous black stallion nearly as big as her friend Applejack’s brother. She had bounced back onto her rump and immediately begun skittering back. The stallion had stared at her impassively, eyes shining ever so slightly red underneath his cowl, as somepony had reached around from behind her and shoved a foul-smelling rag over her face and sent the world spinning into oblivion.
And now she was trussed up on her back, legs tied together and wings pinned to her sides, atop what seemed to be a slab of cold, smooth stone. Definitely not a good day.
"Uhm, hello?" she said meekly. Nopony answered. She continued.
"I'm guessing that you're from some sort of dark cult and that you want to use me as a sacrifice to revive or summon your evil godhead, and I know that's probably very important to you, but I've already had this happen three times since last Hearth's Warming Eve and I'd really appreciate it if you could just skip the unpleasant part and let me go before my friends arrive to save me."
She waited for a moment, then added hopefully, "Please?"
Still no reply. Fluttershy sighed and hoped this wasn't one of the cults that ritually tortured their sacrifices as preparation before killing them. She'd had quite enough of that when the Pony of Shadows had possessed her friend Rarity for the second time. And the worshippers of the minotaur bull god. And the Raksha king.
“Brothers!” boomed a deep masculine voice resonant with terrible power. “The moment of ascension is nigh! Soon comes the appointed hour when our Lord Tirek’s bonds in Tartarus grow weakest! When the defiled blood of this innocent spills upon the altar he shall hear us and know us as his own, and when he returns in glory we shall stand at his side as favored servants to rule the new dark empire in his name!”
Fluttershy sighed again as dozens more voices cried out in ecstatic approval. No such luck. She struggled enough to look sideways just in time to see the large figure from before rise theatrically onto his rear hooves.
"Harmony shall be revealed for the lie that it is! The princesses shall be cast down in chains to kneel before our lord! The forests shall wither! The seas shall boil! No more hiding! No more taxes! NO MORE JURY DUTY!"
"NO MORE JURY DUTY!" came the ecstatic reply.
The immense stallion returned to a more conventional standing position, leaving one hoof extended in salute.
"ALL HAIL TIREK!" he boomed
"ALL HAIL TIREK!" the assembled cultists screamed.
"ALL HAIL TIREK!" the huge stallion repeated.
"ALL HAIL TIREK!" the faithful howled.
"ALL HAI-"
Suddenly the heavy wooden double doors at the front of the chapel exploded inward with deafening force. Every face in the room jerked towards the sound and was promptly blinded by flying dust and wood splinters, except of course for Fluttershy, who had shut her eyes tight the moment she saw the incoming straight line. Screams of shock and pain mingled with the echoes of the blast. When the cultists who had not been permanently blinded regained their sight enough to try again they saw the dust clearing to reveal five multi-colored mares and one large red stallion glaring at them with determined expressions. The foremost one, a purple unicorn with a still sparkling horn, took a step forward.
"TO HELL WITH TIREK!"
A manic grin appeared on the face of the pink earth pony with the poofy mane beside her.
"Ooh, good one Twilight. Very Hex-Ponies."
"Not now Pinkie," the unicorn said distractedly.
The huge cloaked stallion was the first to regain his wits.
"The Elements of Harmony! Fools! Soon my victory shall be complete!"
"Dude, we don't actually call ourselves that," a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane chimed in irritatedly. She gave Fluttershy a reassuring wink. "Don't worry Shy, everything is going to be fine."
Something shone red under the big colt's cowl and suddenly an evil-looking dagger appeared floating beside him.
"Indeed," he said in a smooth baritone. "Your friend will remain unharmed so long as you cooperate."
He turned, the dagger rotating in the air as he did, only to find himself looking at a large, heavy-looking chunk of glowing blue wood just before it smashed hard into his face. He went stumbling down the steps before the altar as his head reeled from the force of the blow. The red aura of magic around his dagger vanished abruptly and the weapon fell unceremoniously out of the air to bury itself point-first in the planks of the floor. Fluttershy watched him fall with a sympathetic wince.
"I tried to warn you!" she said apologetically. Across the room the alabaster unicorn who had taken up the rear of the group tossed her head back triumphantly.
"Take that, ruffian!"
More heavy objects began to levitate into the air all around the still-standing cultists, this time suspended by purple auras. The lead unicorn looked smug as the flying instruments of improvised violence reached an even dozen. The cultists who could still see gulped nervously.
"Alright ladies, you know the drill!" Twilight paused for a moment, then added. “You too, Big Macintosh. Sorry.”
“S’alright,” the big stallion rumbled amicably. Then the violence started.
Rainbow Dash struck the first blow of the melee, slamming into the center of the mob of cultists and sending ponies sprawling heads over hooves before they could even think to wedge up into any sort of defensive formation. She was on the far side of the crowd an eye blink later, swooping past the still dazed cult leader to pluck Fluttershy up off the altar before flying back up towards the rafters.
The cult leader spun awkwardly to swipe at Rainbow Dash's contrail. The huge pony snarled and red light shone under his cowl again as he prepared to snatch the pegasi out of the air with his telekinesis. The spell was beginning to take shape when something fell over his head and around his torso. He looked down to see a cord of rough hemp tightening against his chest and neck.
"What?"
Something tugged hard on the rope, yanking the black robed unicorn off his hooves. He went half-flying, half-bouncing back the way the rainbow pegasus had come, bowling over the hardy few among his followers who had already begun to regain their hooves. When a particularly large and painful bump left him facing towards the front of the chapel he finally saw his assailant: an orange earth pony gripping the other end of the lasso. He spat something evil-sounding and began casting a quick and dirty spell, shaping magic around his horn into an alicorn lance for close-quarters combat. He grinned wickedly despite the pain as the spell's crimson glow tinged the small town yokel red in his vision. All he had to do was get one quick thrust in.
"Now, big brother!"
And that was when the earth pony suddenly turned completely red. And also became much larger. And also male. The unicorn sorcerer had a split-second to wonder what that meant before two huge rear hooves rose up to hit him with the force of an onrushing train. He went flying back in a perfect parabolic arc, no bouncing this time, landing with bone-breaking force atop Brother Frolicsome Meadowlark, who had just made a truly heroic effort to stand up again after being blasted off his hooves twice in rapid succession. They tumbled into a heap together with an audible cracking sound.
Back at the front of the chapel the orange earth pony released the lasso with a whoop and nodded to the unicorn who led the group.
"Yer turn now, Twi!"
Twilight Sparkle needed no further prompting. The various implements of blunt force trauma rotated once in the air before shooting forward. Brother Frolicsome Meadowlark had managed to lift his head just enough to take the first blow hard in the face, but his compatriots got to share the experience moments later. And as the cacophony of totally not-dark and un-sinister yelps, shouts and screams of pain that followed showed there was more than enough punishment to go around.
After deeming the kidnappers sufficiently subdued Twilight Sparkle mentally halted the beating, though not before delivering one last roundhouse swing to the face of their leader with one of her improvised clubs. She shrugged as the others cocked eyebrows at her.
"It was just such a tempting target." She coughed slightly. "Is everypony alright?"
"Yes indeedily!" Pinkie Pie grinned as she kept her as yet unfired party cannon trained on the cultists in case some of them still had a little fight left in them.
"Darn tooting!" Applejack said as she retrieved her lasso.
"All's well darling," Rarity concurred. "I must say all that practice you've been doing at fine control while multitasking is certainly paying off."
"Eyup," Big Macintosh agreed.
Rainbow Dash came swooping down to join the others, Fluttershy still cradled in her forehooves. She hovered there for a few moments longer before letting her pink-maned friend go. She scuffed a rear hoof against the stone floor in unconscious annoyance as their friends crowded in to check on Fluttershy.
"Is everypony alright?" Rainbow Dash repeated sarcastically. "As if! I just swooped right in and bam! Sent ‘em sprawling and yanked Fluttershy out of there before they knew what hit them!"
"Yes Rainbow Dash, we know," Twilight said drily as Rainbow Dash made punching gestures in the air with her forehooves to emphasize the point. With the combination of exasperation and reflex that came from prolonged association with the brash pegasus she added, "We all saw you do it. And we were very impressed."
Rainbow Dash puffed her chest out. Her breathing quickened as Fluttershy turned around and hugged her prismatic friend gratefully.
"Oh thank you so much Rainbow Dash. You were wonderful."
Rainbow Dash's cheeks burned.
"Well I am pretty awesome," she said modestly.
"Now what 'er we going ta do about these here snakes in the grass?" Applejack asked.
"Ever the voice of practicality," Rarity said approvingly. "Twilight, I am quite sure we don't have enough rope for them all."
"We should just kill them," Rainbow Dash said nonchalantly.
Everypony turned to stare at her with shock and horror written plain on their faces. Rainbow Dash shrugged.
"What? They worship demons and tried to sacrifice Fluttershy! They totally deserve it!"
Twilight coughed uncomfortably. "I think all the time you spent hanging around with that griffin rubbed off on you in more ways than one, Rainbow Dash."
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash said defensively. "I'm just saying it's not like we can carry them all—"
Twilight cut her off. "We are not killing them," she said curtly, stomping a hoof slightly for emphasis.
"But—"
"Rainbow Dash," Rarity said sotto voce. "You're upsetting Fluttershy.”
Rainbow Dash turned and froze. Fluttershy looked like she was about to burst into tears. Rainbow Dash sighed.
“Oh alright. But if they try anything I’m not making any promises.”
“Eyup,” Big Macintosh said, glaring at the subdued cultists as if he’d enjoy nothing more than subduing them a few more times. Rainbow Dash gave him a grateful look.
“And now to see just who the pony behind all this is,” Twilight said before the argument could resume. She trotted forward towards the pile of groaning, semi-conscious cultists. Her horn lit up and a corresponding field of magical energy appeared around the cloaked leader of the Tirek-worshippers. She flicked her head back gracefully and the heavy black garment came free with an audible rip of fabric. Beneath it was an extremely scrawny grey unicorn wearing what appeared to be platform shoes and a great deal of padding meant to give the appearance of a muscular frame. Rainbow Dash took one look at the colt and burst out laughing.
“That’s him?! That’s the guy we were so worried about?”
The puny unicorn moaned and rolled over halfway, displaying his underbelly in the process. Applejack snickered when she saw that his penis was as pathetic as the rest of him.
“Guess now we know what this was all about,” she said drily.
The cowpony’s words set off a chain reaction. Pinkie Pie was the first to join in, throwing herself to the floor and rolling around on her back as she chortled at the sheer hilarity of it all. Rarity’s reserve broke soon after, though she raised a hoof to her mouth to hide her unladylike titters. Twilight face-hoofed, and even Fluttershy managed to crack a smile.
“It’s not very big, is it?” the beautiful pegasus said quietly.
“Nope,” Big Macintosh agreed with evident amusement as his own enormous testicles swung freely beneath him.
The wimpy unicorn’s face screwed up in anger. His horn began to glow as he summoned the ritual dagger he had dropped before back into the air. Twilight was conjuring up a defensive spell before the athame moved more than a few inches, but the expected attack did not come. The blade came to a stop above the wimpy unicorn’s chest, hovering point down and bathing him in the red light of his own magic.
“Lord Tirek!” he gasped. “I offer you my own life!”
The dagger descended. Blood began to well out of the cult leader’s chest instantly.
“Whoa Nelly!” Applejack shouted, already reaching for her lasso. She’d seen enough of dark magic to know that this couldn’t end well.
†
Bubba Weissscheisser von Judenhassen picked his nose idly with the barrel of his assault rifle as he fought the urge to yawn. His last hit of meth was starting to wear off and he still had another hour left before his relief would take a break from their shaved orangutan pornography to replace him. Bubba's cock hardened as he thought of the perverse footage of the female ape presenting herself to be used sexually by the depraved patrons at the Southeast Asian brothel where the flick had been made. His free hand was already going to his crotch to commence masturbating like a filthy monkey himself when he caught sight of something emerging from the forest, moving fast. He gawked stupidly as two men in cowboy hats came running towards him along with a horde of grey-furred canines. Bubba's eyes narrowed as he realized that one of them was a member of the negro race. He shook his head in a vain attempt to clear the drug haze from his thoughts as he shouted a warning and raised his Russian-made weapon to fire. Bubba was of course too dumb to realize that automatic weapon fire was far too loud for his voice to be heard over and much more effective as an alarm to boot.
Before he could begin shooting the other intruder caught his eyes with his own, and even from dozens of feet away Bubba felt himself go rigid at the penetrating power of the man’s gaze. Bubba's mouth gaped open as if to deepthroat the stranger’s no doubt magnificent penis. Then the man flickered and blurred and was gone. Bubba came out of his trance and had just a second to wonder what had happened before the man reappeared in front of him, hurthling through the air with one leg extended in a flying kick that caught Bubba right in the chin. He flew backward, falling head over heels as time seemed to slow to a crawl, letting him perceive everything in perfect, terrible clarity. Then he landed on his back with a thud. Darkness rushed up to greet him. His last thought before he lost consciousness was to wonder if the ACLU would be able to help him get his orangutang pornography in prison.
More white trash-looking men in wife beaters and camo fatigues came pouring out from all directions, firing more or less at random because they lacked the natural marksmanship of a true American who recognized that their Lord and Savior Christ Jesus had made all men equal regardless of skin color. Wolves sprang on them as they did, bearing them to the ground and ripping the guns whose Second Amendment purpose to protect life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness they had so abused from their hands. Walker waved to his partner and called, “I’m going in after the hostages!” His freedom-loving voice rang out over the screams and dying gunfire. Trivette rolled his eyes and looked at their new furry friends dubiously.
“Never fails,” he groused.
Trivette turned as he heard one of the skinheads getting free and clambering to his feet. The big man staggered toward him, blood hiding his many tattoos far better than his ripped biker leathers. “I’m gonna whoop ya boy!” he boomed menacingly as he flexed his huge steroid-enhanced musculature.
Trivette slugged the skinhead and he went down squealing. He rolled around on the ground crying like a just circumcised baby.
“Did you say boy or Roy?” Trivette quipped wittily.
†
Walker was already too far away to hear the exchange, although he was aware of it due to the extrasensory perception provided by his aborigine heritage and deep faith in Christ. He spared a moment for a brief flash of satisfaction. The teleporting flying kick trick was always a great opening move when set up properly.
But that was neither here nor there. Walker dismissed the previous encounter from his mind and focused his Cherokee instincts on the task ahead. Something immediately pinged on his inner senses. Walker’s rough-hewn features fell into a frown with the undeniable power of a rockslide as he realized that what he was sensing lay downward beneath the complex. Very far down beneath the complex. The ground began to tremble slightly. Walker made an effort to control his displeasure before it affected the environment any further and caused structural damage. He closed his eyes as he fell deeper into communion with the nature of all things. The wisdom of a thousand generations filled him and with it came the knowledge of what he needed to do.
“Feed…” called a weak, scratchy voice. Walker opened his eyes with a start and scanned the area only to realize that the words had sounded inside his head. He fell back effortless into his meditative state and sent out a telepathic reply.
“Who are you?”
Images danced behind Walker’s eyelids. Buzzing wings and hard chitin. Claws scrabbling against hard rock and stone. Other sensations accompanied them. The urge to obey. The need to belong. Fear of isolation. The drive to conform. Hunger. That came across strongest of all. Unbearable, all-consuming hunger.
A feral snarl jerked Walker’s attention back to the here and now. He opened his eyes to see a pale man with greasy black hair and fangs that jutted out of its bloody mouth. The creature darted down the hall with inhuman speed. Walker leapt straight up, inverting himself in the air so that the soles of his boots came to rest against the ceiling. He crouched upside down for a split-second before shoving off the ceiling at a diagonal angle that sent him flying over the charging vampire. The bloodsucker skidded to a halt and stared blankly for a long moment before turning around just in time to see Walker’s boot slam into the side of its head. The vampire’s head was torn clean off by the mighty roundhouse kick, ricocheting off the wall and up to the ceiling and then down to the floor where it splattered apart on impact.
Walker rolled his eyes and resumed his trance. He reached out with his Cherokee senses once more, trying to find whatever had contacted him again. The chittering resumed for a moment only to be replaced by an echoing, feminine voice.
“Fools! Seize him!”
A nauseating swell of power came welling up from below, wiping away the psychic connection and shunting Walker’s mind out of the spiritual plane. He opened his eyes again and shuddered once with revulsion at the contact. He looked down and sighed as he realized that his boot and kicking leg were sparkling from where the vampire had splattered him. As Walker debated what to do next emerald flames blazed into existence all around him. He spun into an instinctive roundhouse kick to fend off whatever it was but stumbled slightly as the effects of the vampire fagotronics disrupted the interaction between his qi and the environment. Something the size of a large dog crashed into his back. He staggered forward under the sudden weight. He was already dipping into an over the shoulder throw when something else slammed into his chest. Hard, black chitin dug into Walker’s flesh as he felt stubby legs lock around his torso. There was an electric hum, a woosh of heatless flame and then everything vanished into green light.
Everything or something similiar to it reappeared with equal suddenness. Walker didn’t bother asking questions. His trained warrior’s body automatically fell into a series of movements aimed at breaking a grapple. The thing on his back went flying over his shoulder in a classic judo toss. It struck something with an audible crack. Walker was already moving onto the other attacker. It clung to him with grim determination. They grappled in what Walker realized was a green half-light. The thing’s horn—Walker finally got enough of a look at it to realize it was some sort of bug covered with a black carapace—lit up with the same green glow as before. Something half-tangible, half-electric wrapped itself around Walker’s ankles, yanking his feet out from under him. He went down hard, grunting as his back struck hard, uneven stone.
The bug creature chittered in triumph and lunged forward, teeth bared to bite off Walker’s face. Walker shoved his hands up in a blocking position with all of his prodigious man-strength. The bug creature’s jaws snapped shut bare inches away from his face. They fell into a clinch, the bug creature struggling overwhelm the unusually frustrating human and finish the fight. Walker stared into its sapphire blue eyes. The chittering grew louder, and then the fight became more than physical as Walker’s mind confronted the bug creature’s in psychic combat. Walker felt a mental chord connecting his adversary with something else, something huge and multi-faceted. He re-orientated his attention on that link, launching a psionic blow with a metaphysical weight comparable to one of his own mighty roundhouse kicks. The bug creature threw back its head and screamed as the connection to its fellows was broken. Walker was quick to heft it up and off of him. It rolled about on the stone floor, shock and distress evident from its wild thrashing.
Walker rose to his feet, feeling the rough fabric of his cotton undergarments as they slid over the circumcised head of his penis. His eyes panned about until they settled on the other bug creature. It was vaguely horse-shaped, with a fly's wings and an oddly shaped horn with no stabbing point. Walker searched his memory, but neither Cherokee legend nor the infallible revealed scriptures of his Christian God (Jesus) provided any clue as to what it might be. Walker frowned as his gaze shifted to the other bug creature. It lay twitching on the floor. Walker strode over to inspect it. Its alien anatomy couldn't hide the fact that it was badly wounded. Green fluid leaked through deep cracks in its mangled carapace. Walker felt a pang of sympathy, thinking of the torments his own Lord and Savior Christ Christ Jesus had endured while dying for the sins of the world. As always his heart welled up with love for the Prince of Peace.
Suddenly a cold feeling rushed through him. Walker could feel the memory of his Lord and Savior Christ Jesus draining out of his mind. He staggered back a few steps, sickened. As he did his eyes swept down to see the bug creature surrounded by the same green light as before. It built steadily until it was blindingly intense, then vanished. Walker heard a scuffling sound, and when his eyes cleared the bug creature stood before him, healed and whole. It regarded him steadily, and Walker could feel the creature's surprise and uncertainty. After several frozen moments it buzzed once and skittered away.
Walker watched it go. For the first time ever he could not feel the love of his Lord and Savior Christ Jesus burning within his chest. His penis softened, the long shaft drawing back in on itself as it lost rigidity. Walker shuddered and shook his head, trying to regain his balance. He forced himself to review his memories of his personal relationship with Jesus, going all the way back to the time Walker had rescued the baby Jesus from kidnappers during his past life incarnation as Hayes Cooper, a Wild West Texas Ranger who respected the culture of the Native Americans. He worked his way forward from there and gradually he felt the fire of Christ's love fill him once again. His penis stiffened and returned to its proper erect length. Walker sighed in relief at the empowering presence of the Lion of Judea.
Once that was done Walker looked around once more, this time taking in all of his surroundings. He was standing inside a huge cavern illuminated by an eerie green light. After a minute of prayerful reflection in which he reviewed many Biblical precedents Walker concluded that the light was brighter in one direction than the others and that this probably meant it was coming from that direction. His Cherokee intuitions corroborated this deduction, especially when he remembered that the psychic connection he had felt while mind-dueling one of the bug creatures had been directed that way as well. Walker nodded and set off to investigate.
As Walker traversed the cavern he became aware of a constant low grade buzzing that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. His first thought was that there were more of the bug creatures about. When his finely honed physical senses failed to spot anything he fell back on his Cherokee perceptions and once again felt the presence of dozens upon dozens of alien minds. He hurriedly shut down his psychic presence.
"You know I'm here," Walker shouted as he reoriented his awareness back to the physical world. "This doesn't have to become any uglier than it already has. Come out and talk and we can work something out."
The buzzing intensified, and not just on the material plane. Walker could feel that furious communication was taking place in unseen space. Finally it subsided and an eerily feminine voice called out from one of the tunnels ahead.
"Enter," the voice said, the word tinged with an odd echoing quality. "You will not be harmed. Present yourself and we shall...talk."
A pulse of light drew Walker's attention to a tunnel up ahead. As he approached he saw that there were several tunnels of varying sizes flanking it on either side. He entered the tunnel emitting the light. The further he went the less cave-like the tunnel became, with stone walls giving way to spongy material that felt disturbingly organic and un-plant-like. A musky smell permeated the place, along with a sharp increase in moisture. When he reached the end of the corridor he found himself facing a fleshy curtain split by a vertical slit.
"Come in," purred the voice from before, this time sultry and inviting. Walker rolled his eyes and pushed his way through, his resolve as firm and unyielding as his penis. He emerged on the other side coated with slime of unknown composition. Walker wiped the slime away from his eyes and found himself standing in a chamber filled with a thick green goo that coated the walls, floor and ceiling. Weird-looking oval shapes protruded from it at irregular intervals. Walker realized that they must have been some kind of eggs or incubation pods.
Walker stood there in silence as he took it all in. The musk-smelling slime dripped slowly from his face and beard. Above the light began to increase in brightness. It illuminated Walker like a search light, leaving the rest of the chamber in shadow by comparison. Walker stepped forward and the light followed him like a halo around the hitherto forgotten archangel of virility.
The far side of the chamber was dominated by a raised stone dais that flowed up from the cavern floor so organically that even Walker's preternatural investigator's eye couldn't tell whether it was constructed or a natural feature. Above it hung a swirling pattern of seething green energies that seemed to somehow open into a space not contained within the environs of the cavern. Walker felt a thrum of power emanating from the hole in the air the likes of which he had only encountered once before when investigating a series of missing person cases connected to a top secret military base rumored to have been experimenting with recovered extraterrestrial technology. Walker grimaced at the memory. At least he probably wouldn't end up skydiving without a parachute again. Probably.
A figure stood before the portal and off to the side. It looked like one of the bug creatures from before, only larger, with long skinny legs dotted with holes that seemed to go all the way through. Its carapace alternated between jet black and pure white in a checkerboard, and the figure carried itself with a darkly feminine grace. The figure opened her mouth and the voice from before issued forth.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Walker had to agree, but he forced himself to keep his attention on the potential threat. "Who are you and what do you want?"
"I am called Princess Konana, lawman, and I have come here for love."
"Love?" Walker asked warily.
"Love," the bug princess repeated. “We have crossed the gulf between worlds because even from an universe away it was plain that this world was suffused with a love more powerful than we had encountered ever before.” She smiled, displaying white fangs. “One of my minions tasted a bit of it from you a short time ago.”
“Who are you and where do you come from?” Walker asked. Best to keep her talking.
“We are the changelings, Cordell Walker, and where we come from matters far less than where we are now.”
A chill went down Walker’s spine. “You know who I am?”
“But of course,” Princess Konana answered smoothly. “After all, I have gone through such effort to arrange your coming.”
Walker’s face set in a menacing frown as he thought back over the events of the past few days. The car chase, the strange behavior of the victims that had been written off as the effects of drug use, the orgy in the streets of downtown Dallas that had swallowed up the police sent to stop it, it all added up to a pattern.
“You need something,” Walker said. It was not a question.
“Yes,” Princess Konana replied in her weird, echoing voice. “For you see, we are but the vanguard of a mighty swarm. To travel between worlds, for Our Mother to follow us through we need a beacon of a certain metaphysical weight. Metaphysical weight, and the LOVE to flavor it.”
Walker’s eyes widened as he realized what the changeling princess was talking about. “Jesus,” he breathed, thinking of his beloved Lord and Savior who had so loved the world that he had given up his own life so that sins could be forgiven. Princess Konana threw back her head and laughed.
“To think that so many of your fellow humans could so blithely ignore the offering of the greatest power in the entire universe!” she crowed.
Walker fell into a combat ready posture. “Whatever you have planned, it won’t work!”
Princess Konana’s laughter grew louder, becoming ever more derisive and contemptuous. Walker watched her carefully, on guard for a sudden lunge as he felt for possible attackers from behind. But rather than making a move in his direction a green light akin to the one that made up the gate flared around Princess Konana’s long, twisted horn. Walker felt himself lifted off his feet as an identical green aura surrounded him. His body jerked as he was thrown forward into the green portal. Mocking laughter continued to reverberate behind him as he vanished into infinity.
†
Red light continued to emit from the blade. It rose in a column above the still twitching corpse, growing brighter and larger as it did. An opening seemed to form in the air within, revealing a terrifying hellscape. Figures turned towards the opening and began to dart towards it, figures resembling ponies but with pointed tails and reddish-black demon wings.
“He opened a gate to Tartarus!” Twilight shouted, panicking. “We have to close it now, otherwise—”
The gate flared, sending out a gust of hot wind that drove everypony but Big Macintosh back a step. When they blinked their eyes clear figures were streaming out of the gate, mostly winged, one an unicorn, one being what seemed to be a buffalo with red horns.
“That’s Mad Mojo, the war shaman who was banished two hundred years ago!” Twilight blurted. More figures out of the worst parts of history lined up beside him. Glenda the Gelder. Samare Heigt. The bat pony blood cultist and Nightmare Moon loyalist Sunshine Smiles.
“Oh horseapples,” Applejack said.
A tan unicorn with a stubby, close-cut mane and a scorpion cutie mark stepped forward from the crowd. The other ponies made way for him. His smile was the smile of a confirmed sadist and his eyes shone with madness. Twilight knew who this pony was. Her own brother had been the one to capture him.
“Canter LeRue, the mad Prench pony,” she finished grimly. The other unicorn’s smile grew wider.
“Ladies and gentlecolts, welcome to the end of your lives.”
He paused, eyeing Rarity and Fluttershy. “Well, closer for some of you than others,” he said with an evil leer.
Big Macintosh stepped forward with a menacing expression. Glenda the Gelder bared her serrated teeth at her fellow earth pony. Everypony tensed, waiting for the outbreak of violence.
Suddenly the gate went from red to green and something came flying out of it with a blinding flash. When everypony’s vision cleared the gate was gone and a bipedal creature covered with corded muscle and thick hair stood in the middle of the chapel. Everypony froze, wondering what to make of the newcomer. Canter LeRue was the first to recover.
“Kill it! Kill them all!” he shouted, voice wild with madness.
His words broke the pause. The newcomer turned to face them. As the demonic ponies charged Walker assumed a battle stance with the cool, collected calm of a man who had been to hell and left the devil with the lingering taste of Rangercock in his mouth.
Author's Note
I wish to state for the record I wrote the part about Tirek being in Tartarus before seeing the season four finale or even knowing he was in it.
Walker: Equestrian Ranger
"Why is his penis glowing?"
Twilight blinked and looked over at Fluttershy. Her shy friend sounded uncharacteristically calm given that they were being charged by a horde of murderer-rapist arch villains from Tartarus. She was about to say as much when her magic nerd programming finished processing the question and took control of her mouth.
"It seems to be acting as a sort of...lower horn. Only it's not projecting magic back out. But that would mean..."
As Twilight lectured across the room Walker's Ranger senses analyzed the situation with painful clarity. Events slowed to a crawl as Walker shifted his perceptions from the linear, rational progression that characterized the White Man's conception of time to the more spiritual understanding of his Cherokee ancestors.
Fluttershy stared in fascinated awe as the strange creature shifted from still and ready to explosive action in less time than it took for darkness to rush in when a light went out. The instant before the first of the Tartaren escapees reached him his shoulder dipped and exposed back muscles rippled and suddenly he was moving forward in a low leg sweep that sent the charging buffalo stumbling past. Glenda the Gelder lunged at him an instant later. The stranger's exposed hard penis proved an irresistible target for the rabid stallion hater's sharpened chompers. Except that somehow the magnificent length of man-meat wasn't there and Glenda's jaws closed on Mad Mojo's ballsack. She instinctively bite down, ripping and tearing his testicles off with one savage jerk of her head. The evil buffalo howled in agony and instinctively bucked his hind legs at his attacker before keeling over into a heap. Glenda the Gelder flew through the air to slam into the side of the altar with bone-shattering force.
The stranger had already moved on. A shrieking she-demon hovering above on bat-like wings drew bank and hurled a blast of lightning at him. The stranger swung one of his long legs up in a spinning motion to deflect the attack but something flared silver and he froze for a critical second. The galvanic energy struck him with full force. The creature went rigid with agony as electricity made his muscles spasm and sent signals a thousand times stronger than nature had intended coursing through his every nerve. Fluttershy winced in sympathy.
"We have to help him!" she pleaded to her friends. As always Rainbow Dash was the first to react.
"I'm on it!" she shouted as she rocketed forward into the fray. She stopped in midair right in front of the demon pony, spun and was about to buck the bitch right in her whore face when something hot and sticky smashed into her from the side like a locomotive.
Sunshine Smiles cackled from over beside Glenda the Gelder's now dead corpse as his conjured blood elemental entered the fight. He turned to see a number of heavy objects enveloped by the purple glow of pony magic floating towards him. The bat pony took a deep breath and let out a scream that started at painful and quickly reached frequencies that reduced stone and wood to dust. The various floating blunt instruments were ripped apart in midair and Sunshine Smiles took one menacing step forward. His eyes locked on Twilight Sparkle and his brow furrowed with the concentration that signalled the beginning of another spell. He was totally focused, which left him completely blindsided when a lance of blue light slammed into him from behind and directly into his anus.
Fluttershy turned to track the blast back to its source. So did Twilight Sparkle, the demoness and the sinister unicorn who still hadn't moved from the altar. Blue sparks leapt off the bipedal creature's erect penis. His eyes flicked up to the she-demon above. She had just enough time to scream before Walker thrust his pelvis in her direction and released another bolt of lightning.
"Buck this," Canter LeRue said from over by the altar. His horn glowed and a moment later he teleported away in a crackle of black energy. Across the room Mad Mojo moaned in agony as he bled from his crotch. The strange creature turned to regard the remaining Tartaren escapees. The demon ponies exchanged uneasy glances before turning in unison to fly back the way they came. The impromptu hell portal snapped shut behind them.
The man turned to regard the remaining ponies. Both sides eyed the other uncertainly until Applejack broke the silence.
"Well howdy there, pardner! That sure was some mighty fancy shooting you done did there with your, uh... Twi?"
"Lower horn," Twilight Sparkle supplied.
"Lower horn," Applejack finished. She took a few steps closer and held up a hoof.
Rather than bumping it the creature unclenched its fist and wrapped its fingers around the proffered hoof and have it a firm shake.
"Glad I was able to help," he said with a wry smile. "Name's Walker. I'm a Texas Ranger."
Applejack returned the smile. "Reckon we'dve been in a right pickle if you hadn't shown up when you did. Lemme introduce you proper," she said, motioning to her friends as she did.
Fluttershy stared in rapt fascination at Walker as he and the other ponies exchanged names and greetings. Her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated and she was acutely aware of her wings standing half extended to either side. She didn't even hear Applejack say her name until the second or third repetition. She shook her head as she snapped out of her reverie and looked up shyly.
"Oh, hello," Fluttershy said with a blush. "Thank you so much for helping us. I hope it wasn't too much trouble."
Walker's smile remained as warm as a summer day and deep as the roots of a mountain. "Anytime, Miss Fluttershy. Just doing my job."
Walker started to say more but suddenly his penis flared with brilliant silver radiance. He felt his roundhouse kicking leg clench with agonizing pain and then go numb. His naked body swayed and his eyes rolled back in his head. Applejack, Big Macintosh and Twilight Sparkle rushed to catch him as he fell.
Off to the side of the group Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs and scowled.
"I could have done all that," she muttered.
†
"Walker... Save me Walker... "
Walker turned toward the faint voice. Featureless blackness gave way to a dark cavern. Cocoons of semi-transparent goo hung from the walls and ceiling in the hundreds. Low moans issued forth from whatever was inside them. As Walker watched a steady stream of the insectoid drones from before filtered in with more cocoons to add to the collection.
Walker took a step forward and the scene blurred and faded away. It was replaced by a small stable much like the one on Walker's ranch back in Texas. The familiar smell of hay and animals mixed with the more delicate scent of incense and rose petals. It felt warm and homespun, like picante sauce made in San Antonio.
"She will find me soon."
Walker tracked the voice to its source. A man with Semitic features and dark, curly hair sat heavily atop a pile of hay. His simple clothing was torn and bloody and he panted with something worse than mere exhaustion. He met Walker's gaze. His eyes were haunted, shadowed.
"I can already feel her feeding on me. Hurry, before..."
The scene blurred and reverted to blackness. Walker found himself standing again in darkness beyond darkness. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself. When he opened them again he was face to face with another insectoid creature, sized like the one from the portal and unmistakably feminine but larger and with a solid black body. She smirked at him before opening her muzzle to reveal sharp fangs and a red tongue that caressed the air an inch from Walker's face.
"I HAVE THREE PENISES!" screamed an echoing manifold voice like the one from before. She lunged at Walker, and Walker's last thought before the blackness took him was that he could not react in time.
†
Fluttershy paced anxiously up and down her crowded living room. Bursts of sound and light interspersed with strange voices filtered down the stairwell and windows. Their first instinct had been to have Rainbow Dash fly Walker to back Ponyville hospital but a quick check by Fluttershy and a longer divinatory scan by Twilight had shown there was nothing medically wrong with the hirsute creature with the mammoth-like chest. After examining the strange clinging sparkles working their way up his leg Twilight had babbled something Fluttershy didn't understand about reflexive over-channeling through his lower horn and how she needed to set up a shunt to siphon off the excess magic before it went critical. Twilight had commandeered Fluttershy's bedroom as an impromptu combination sick bed and casting chamber. She had been up there for what seemed like hours doing something that was probably related to all the explosions.
Fluttershy was very worried.
"Does nopony else see how bucked up this is?" Rainbow Dash demanded from over by the front door. "Who the hay has a dick that shoots lightning?!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity scolded. "Don't be uncouth!"
"Oh come on! Soarin is a pegasus and he's in the freaking Wonderbolts and he can't do that! Big Mac has the biggest, most awesome schlong around and he can't shoot lightning with it!" She turned to Big Macintosh and said, "Right?"
"Eyup," Big Macintosh said after a moment's thought. Rainbow Dash looked grateful that somepony was finally listening to reason.
"Besides," she continued. "He came out the same portal as all those evil hell ponies. There has to be a reason for that."
Applejack frowned at that. "RD does have a point," she admitted. "But that Walker feller helped us out of a bind and he ain't done nothing to make us not trust him. Maybe it was just a coincidence like Twi said. "
Rainbow Dash snorted. "Oh please AJ. You think we didn't all see you checking out his junk at close range?"
Applejack blushed. "I don't know what you're talking about," the farm pony muttered.
A glaring match was in the offing between the two stubborn ponies when they were interrupted by a loud "Hmm." They turned to see an unusually serious looking Pinkie Pie with her chin perched on one hoof in a thinker's pose.
"Something about him seemed familiar..." Pinkie Pie mused. Before anypony could ask hoofsteps sounded coming down the stairs.
"Twilight!" Fluttershy exclaimed when the exhausted unicorn staggered into the room. "Is he alright?"
"For now," Twilight panted. Her coat was matted and she was swaying slightly. "I managed to set up a ward to divert magic away from him and that should stop him from getting worse for awhile, but his lower horn is still trying to channel and sooner or later it's going to breech the ward and draw in enough to go critical."
"I have no idea what any of that means," Rainbow Dash said deadpan. "What about those weird sparkles?"
Twilight took a deep breath. "I'm not sure, but it seemed to be a separate issue. Whatever it is his body is fighting it so I assume it's bad for him. It's creeping up his leg but his so far it hasn't reached his crotch."
"Oh dear!" Fluttershy gasped. "Can you stop it?"
Twilight shook her head. "Not without taking down the ward and using enough magic to probably overload his lower horn right then and there."
"So what can we do?" Applejack asked plainly.
"First things first," Twilight said. "Rainbow Dash, I need you to fly back to the library and have Spike update the Princess on everything that has happened. Tell her she needs to contact my brother. Canter LeRue is back at large and nopony knows him better than Shining."
"Who is that guy anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Rainbow Dash, don't you read the news?" Rarity chided. "His trial a few years ago was the sensation of the decade before Nightmare Moon returned."
"Yeah?"
"Mass murderer and general psycho," Twilight said tersely. "Tried to rape my sister-in-law and murder my brother with scorpions twice. Was banished to Tartarus by the Princess."
Rainbow Dash whistled. "Woah. That bad?"
"The worst," Twilight said flatly. "No time to talk. Go!"
Rainbow Dash saluted. "I'm on it!" she said before rocketing off.
"Twi, were you able to find out anything else about him?" Applejack asked once Rainbow Dash was gone.
"Not much," Twilight admitted. "He talked a few times but he never came to. All I could make out was something about someone named Jesus."
Pinkie Pie inhaled a huge breath. "Seriously?!" she shouted incredulously. "He knows Jesus?!"
Everypony turned to look at her. "Pinkie, you actually know something?!" Twilight blurted.
"Well duh," Pinkie Pie said with a roll of her eyes. "Jesus was this friend of mine who made the most awesome wine ever for a dinner party I once went to!"
She paused before adding more soberly. "Then the soldiers came and arrested him. I don't like to think about what came next."
Pinkie Pie seemed uncharacteristically somber. The others decided it was probably better not to ask. "Well, who was he?" Twilight pressed.
"I think his dad was like the human princess or something," Pinkie Pie said with a shrug. "I was never clear on that part. But Jesus was really super fun to be around. He even let me carry him into town and stuff!"
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "So not only have you met some of these creatures before but you were also romantically involved with one?"
Pinkie Pie snorted. "Nope!" She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Though his disciples did keep saying I had a sweet ass."
"Ass?" Applejack said skeptically.
"Flank," Pinkie Pie translated.
"Oh," Applejack said. "Huh."
"That's rather risqué for simply being friends, darling, " Rarity commented.
Pinkie Pie snorted. "Nah, it was pretty normal for humans to get around that way so I just went along with it. Besides, Judas was jealous enough already."
"Judas?" Twilight asked.
"Jesus's special somepony," Pinkie clarified.
"Ah," Twilight said. "So where are they from then? And how did you end up meeting them?"
Pinkie Pie launched into a complicated explanation involving talents of silver, the Smooze and something called tritium. Twilight's ears and left eye started twitching in a clear signal of an impending mental breakdown at about the two minute mark. Finally she shouted, "PINKIE!"
Pinkie Pie stopped in mid diagram. "What?" she asked, still cheerful.
"...Never mind the details," Twilight said. "Right now we need to focus on what's important..."
Suddenly Rainbow Dash came crashing in through one of Fluttershy's windows. "Girls," she said, "we've got a problem."
All eyes turned to Rainbow Dash.
"Ponyville is on fire!"
