It was a battle, a deadly game between him and his trusted friend. One only he could match him wit for wit. Stupid for stupid. It was currently Lucian's turn. Pickleless could only hope the next fanfic stated was-
"Pinkie dresses up people as herself and rapes them. No one cares."
Dammit that's a good one! Quick, quickly! How quickly he could dish one out is part of the nonexistent scoring system!
"In an LSD fueled experiment, Twilight Sparkle tries to figure out what happens when you eat yourself. She dies. Fax Machine cleans up the mess."
Heheheh. Fax Machine...
"Winona is transformed into a talking watermelon in an experiment gone wrong, somehow, a hungry futashy sees this working out in multiple ways."
Haha, oh wow. I'm going to actually write that one out someday.
"Big Mac finds out all of equestria were actually males pretending to be females to make him feel better. He dies on the inside but shows no real difference otherwise."
Top that one bitch.
"Turns out Princess Celestia is just the Nightmare Moon version of her real self, after using the elements of harmony on her, she turns into a muppet."
Fuck you.
"Spike grows a vagina on his forehead. Everyone laughs."
Honestly I don't care if I never write these, doing this is so damn fun.
"Princess Celestia accidently kills Luna in front of everyone. She passes the blame to Blueblood. Everyone accepts this."
Shit, SHIT. Uhhhhhhhh-
"Twilight is dying, nobody cares"
"Weak man." Lucian taunts me.
"I'm trying!"
"Try harder, also, guess what?"
"What?"
"Turns out Rainbow Dash is autistic and everyone has just been letting her win races. She commits suicide."
"DAMMIT."
Okay, okay, calm down, you can recover from this. Believe in yourself!
"Twilight wakes up one morning with a boner. She's too scared to lift the blanket."
Good good! Keep up the pressure!
"Fluttershy has a heart attack, but is too nervous about it to tell anyone."
Bam! Once more!
"Rainbow Dash slips and accidentally falls into Rarity's vagina. After searching for five days, everyone just gives up."
Hah! Three in a row fucker! Top that-
"A new civilization has been established inside rarity's vagina, and is agitated when an outsider, Rainbow Dash, desecrates their sacred burial ground. She is crucified."
Asshole! You can't just make a sequel off mine!
"Celestia rapes Lauren Faust. Everyone believes her, but no one really cares."
There, I got two on him so far. As long as I keep one ahead of him I'm gonna win, I'll be fine.
"Twilight Sparkle becomes addicted to wearing suits of her friends and stalking them. It turns out the Twilight Sparkle that's with her friends is just Celestia in a suit."
We've already used suits as an idea jackass!
"Twilight is Celestia's sapient porn collection. She was never really a pony."
"Celestia dies, no one notices for two years."
"Fluttershy is actually Elvis hiding from us"
"As Celestia watched Canterlot burn, listening to the screams. The only thing she could ponder while sipping her tea was her unusually large erection over the matter."
"Spike finds one of Winona's dildos and chokes to death on it."
Lucian took a deep breath and focused.
"Rarity, in a search for diamonds, shoves a piece of coal up twilight's butt. Five minutes later, a diamond comes out. Seeing this as an opportunity to make it big, Rarity and Luna go into business together, using twilight's butt to make more diamonds. However, work slows to a crawl when Twilight and Will Smith form a union against them, causing Celestia to choose between her sister and her student."
Oh we're going into the big ones now?
"Rarity Rule 63's herself and pretends to be her made up brother to try and make the other girls fall for her. To prove that the suave, prince like gentlemen isn't a silly fantasy, and to toy with their feelings in the most horrible manner. Everyone just thinks Rarity has a huge brother complex, Rarity starts to go mentally insane."
"The cutie mark crusaders are bored after the last season finale or whatever, and start brainstorming ideas for pranks, eventually deciding it would be hilarious to find objects and shove them up the asses of ponies whose cutie marks correspond with said object (apples for applejacks, lyres for lyra, etc.) however, they get into trouble after trying it with celestia and luna and have to escape canterlot or be faced with murder charges."
"When a flaming train threatens to crash into ponyville, Rarity realizes she must put her whoring skills to the test and take the incoming train completely up her ass to save everyone. She dies from overdose two days later."
"Twilight gains access to the internet and spend the day googling her and her friends. The next day, Trixie wakes up to Applebloom up her vagina, and computer monitor up her ass, and a big reddish dick stapled to her crotch."
Shit I'm running out of ideas.
"A man turns out to have his whole life controlled by Equestria so he can be a amusing TV show for the common pony. He commits genocide."
"Luna decides, you know what, the moon wasn't so bad, and moves back up. Nightmare is confused, possesses tree."
Uh...Uhhhhhhh!..
"Twilight Sparkle wakes up in real life to find out she's actually Bobby. Hank Hill is disappointed."
No, NO! WE'RE EQUAL NOW!!!
"Sonic finds rainbow dash, fucks her into submission, only to find out she was Sonic, and he was his father."
NOOOOOOOOO-
"Twilight gets a persona, and then loses it when she tries to score with it."
"I give! You win!" I say, sighing.
"Cool. Wanna go out for lunch?"
"Yeah sure." I say. "What's the score now?"
"I dunno."
"Yeah me neither." I shrug. "Hey, I think I might actually write some of these to FIMfiction at some point."
"Excellent."
"Which one should I do first?"
"Well..."
Twilight eats herself. (Lucian)
“Okay Spike, for lunch today, I want you to put these sugar cubes in my tea.”
“Why? They don’t look any different than normal ones.”
“Because, Spike, I’ve decided to test the effects of hallucinogenic chemicals as a possible means for therapy. I have a hunch that if this goes correctly, millions of lives will be saved.”
“This isn’t going to work how you planned. It usually doesn’t.”
“What do you know? You’re just a baby. Now bring me my tea.”
“As you wish.”
Twilight quickly downed her drink and waited. Slowly, her expression changed from one of seriousness to one of wonder. A grin grew across her face and a giggle erupted from her mouth, suddenly becoming a howl of joy.
“Spi-ahhh, uhh, Sp-Sp-Sp-Fax Machine!” She stuttered, “I’m hungry!”
“You just ate.” He replied. “Just sit down and stay still. I’m going to get Zecora.”
“Okay, okay, okay, okay… kay.” Twilight said slowly.
“So as soon as she drank the tea I knew I had to get you. The ingredients were from the forest, so I’m sure you could find a natural remedy for it.” Spike explained as he opened the door. Immediately, he stopped and stared at what lay in front of the door.
“Jiggly duck, what the fuck?” Zecora shouted in horror.
Twilight Sparkle was curled up in a ball, her lower torso shoved almost completely in her mouth. Blood and entrails leaked out of her maw and the gaping wound it created, but her expression was one of pure bliss.
“Mmmph muh ffff munry” She mumbled, and shortly afterwards her eyes rolled into her head and she went limp.
“Well,” Spike sighed, “I’ll get the mop. Zecora, defrost another clone.”
