Lobo Comes to Equestria

by Awesomedude17

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Tirek, Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Sex, Random
Length: 3667

Another day in the life of Lobo as he comes to Equestria.

Lobo is many things, well, a lot of them are usually negative insults, but the idea's the same thing to him, he thinks he's awesome, cool, or some other word that would be safe to describe him.

And needless to say, he has a bet to win.

NOT MAKE ANY FRIENDS!!!

He vouched for that quest himself, by the way.

Can he succeed?

Pretty sure he can, but let's watch to be sure.

Published 2014-06-15 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-15 00:12:39 UTC

The Bet

It was just another normal space day for the space bounty hunter.

Riding his space motorcycle into a space dive bar for a space beer in space, a Czarian, the last of his kind.

White-skinned, with black markings all over his body, with dreadlocks that have been horribly maintained, and a toothy grin that can only be described as sociopathic, or psychopathic, no one can decide really, and muscly all over, the man kicked open the door and walked over to the bartender, and talked.

"Gimme a cold one."

"You're still banned, Lobo."

Lobo took out his boomstick and aimed it at the bartender.

"Am I still banned?"

"Yes."

*BANG*

The bartender's head blew up into a spray of cyan mist, right before growing back, still more annoyed than not.

"Still banned."

"Bug off, ya Bastich!" Lobo insulted the bug-like bartender, looking off into the nebula.

"Why do you insist on coming back here?"

"Because I needs me a drink, gimme!" Lobo said as he snatched a space beer from the counter and drank it up.

"You take it, it's a recalled batch."

*BRAAAAAAAAP!!!*

"Thanks." Lobo reached for a cigar, then a lighter.

The lighter was out of the required fuel however.

Then the beer gurgled in his stomach.

Lobo found a match, and had a thought.

"'Scuse me fer a moment." Lobo set himself aside, set the cigar to the burn notice, and the match even closer to his burn notice.

*Prr**FWOOSH!!!*

With the cigar now lit, and several costumers now on fire from the released pressure, Lobo turned towards the bartender, and gave an ultimatum.

"Listen, wot's it gonna take ta unban lil' ol' me?"

"I can do a challange, name one."

"Hmmm..." Lobo looked out the window of the Space Bar, and saw a planet he hadn't seen before.

Had water, so that'd help with life.

"Tell ya what, if I go ta dat planet fer a week, an' not make a friend, I win!"

"Why're you saying not make a friend?" The bartender asked with a raised, erm, whatever the shielding that was over his eyes right now.

"Why not?"

"Alright, but if you do make a friend, if it's male, he gets free drinks for life, and cannot share with you. If it's a female, you have to give her the old mating session."

Lobo almost took a step back. There was such risks involved.

But so much reward too.

"Throw in a free case, an' ya got a deal!" Lobo blew the smoke from his cigar out of his lungs, hocked up some phlegm, spat into his hand and held it out.

"...You're lucky I need to be filthy to live." The bartender shook hands with the bounty hunter, got on his prized motocycle, the SpazFrag 666 and Lobo went out to do his new mission.

Step 1: Go to planet.

Step 2: Be himself.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Profit.

There was no way this plan could fail. If it did though, he always had Al's Diner.

He loves Al's, and Al loves him.

Luna was bored.

Really bored.

She wanted something new to come.

Maybe a new mate too. She needed one that could satisfy her for hours on end.

But alas, some stallions had limits that Luna did not have.

Perhaps it didn't need to be a...

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"Hmmm?" Luna looked out her window in the nighttime, and saw the most unusual sight.

Some kind of creature, flying on some kind of device.

Luna had to meet this creature, for he must have come from the stars themselves.

It flew past the castle, and was heading for a place Luna knew would not like this creature, much at least.

Ponyville.

-Sunrise-

Twilight Sparkle opened the windows from her bedroom, stretched her wings, and smiled widely.

"Today is going to be a great day!"

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"What was that?"

Pinkie Pie burst open the doors of her home and looked out.

A few early-moriningers here and there, as always.

"GOOOOOOOD MORNING PONYVILLE!!!"

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"What the..."

Pinkie gasped.

It was one of those thingies she had never heard of before, but it had somepony riding it, so it must be a new pony.

It was time to prepare another Pinkie Pie Party for the creature.

Fluttershy let the morning hit her face. Her eyelids fluttered, and then opened slowly. She took a soft smile and got up.

It was going to be another long day taking care of her-

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"EEEP!"

Fluttershy looked out the window, and saw something billowing smoke.

It was too far to see, but it was flying.

"Oh, I hope that's not Pinkie Pie, that sounds really dangerous."

Applejack had already had her day started when the rumbling engine sound came.

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

Applejack looked at it, but decided that this thing was not too important right now, and went back to work feeding the pigs.

Rarity looked out the window from her home, and smiled.

"Today is going to be a magnificent day today!"

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"Hmm?" Rarity looked out, and saw something out into the distance.

Whatever it was, it was loud.

"Hmm, I hope that it being loud doesn't mean it's an uncouth pony."

Rarity decided to just start her tea. She needed something to help her relax a bit.

*BRRRBRBRRRRR*

"What the!"

Rainbow Dash flew to her window, and saw something riding a fast metal thing.

She narrowed her eyes, and thought that A) This thing was dangerous, and B) It was fast.

She took it as a challenge, and flew out alongside the motorbike itself.

Lobo looked out to the side, and saw the mare racing her.

He chuckled.

"What so funny?"

"Nothin', jus' gonna race ya, an' win, 'cause I'm the best dere is, ya Bastich!" Lobo reved up his engine, took a drag of his cigar, and flew out, spouting obnoxious gas into Rainbow's face. She coughed repeatedly, and shook her head.

"Oh! It! Is! On!" Rainbow began to fly by the loud thing, and race it.

Lobo saw her come back, and scoffed.

"Well, she's a wild one."

"Hey ugly! How about you not try when I'm the fastest-"

Lobo lifted his butt to the side, and let out some more pressure from the tainted beer.

"Oh, dat was a wet one, AHAHAHAAAA HA HA!!!"

"DUDE!"

"See ya later, Nancy Girl!"

Lobo revved up and took a nosedive.

Rainbow did the same thing.

The two were neck and neck, equal rivals to the unofficial racing they had been doing.

It was close, and then Lobo stopped.

"Hah nice try, you-"

*SMACK*

"You were sayin'." Lobo said as he cleaned out the earwax from his ears.

"Rainbow Dash!"

Lobo looked out to see five other Nancy ponies, gathering around the one that hit the pavement.

He hovered down to the ground, and turned off the engine, and got off.

He walked over to the group and smiled.

"Oh, umm, who are you?" The Purple one asked.

At that moment, Lobo was done with his cigar, and needed another one.

He still had indigestion, and a couple matches.

"'Scuse me fer a minute."

"It can talk?"

Lobo lit the match, and did a crazy thing.

*Prr**FWOOSH!!!*

The flames hit the tip of the cigar, and an unlucky stall.

"MY CABBAGES!!!"

Lobo took a drag, and smiled.

"MMM, nice methane kick, right?"

All the mares did was stand there, looking in disgust and shock.

'Dis is gonna be easy!'

Lobo Comes to Equestria
By Awes-AGK

"Nice fraggin' try, ya narcissistic Bastich!"

"Can't... breath!"

Needless to say, for those brief moments, I was hurt badly, and I was not gonna talk anytime soon.

Author's Note

New crossover?

Better not be like Deadpool again.

I heard that.

Shut up.

The Talk, or Lack of.

Twilight was so shocked at the crudeness of this new creature, that all she could do was stare. She hadn't even registered Rainbow Dash shaking her head as she got over the head trauma she had gained.

And she could tell this was only part of the unappealing nature of this creature. It was black and white all over, and seemed to have red eyes, telltale signs of either a practically perfect being who's so perfect, it's annoying, or so full of itself that it thinks it is perfect, maybe both if they are really unlucky.

Needless to say, she didn't like this guy at all so far.

"So, tell me, who's in charge of dis joint?" The thing spoke.

"Who are you?"

It smiled a toothy, creepy smile, and spoke.

"The name's Lobo. That's 'L' as in 'lacerate', 'O' as in 'obliterate', 'B' as in 'disembowel', and 'O' as in, uh, aw, I guess I can use 'obliterate' twice, huh, whaddya think?"

Twilight was in full 'freak the buck out' mode, considering the way it spoke about it's name.

"Are-Are you d-dangerous?"

"Depends, are ya gonna try an' make friends with lil' ol' me?"

"What? Not the way you introduced yourself!" Twilight barked back.

"Then we's gonna be just fine, 'cause I ain't here to make friends, I'm here to not make one."

"What, that doesn't make sense!"

"Oh Twilight, what good is there in making sense?" Discord said, appearing right next to Lobo.

Lobo just punched the chaos god out for no good reason.

"Discord!" Fluttershy flew over to the unconscious draconequus and looked over the head injury.

"Sorry pal, ya spooked me." Lobo lied, he just did it because he wanted to.

"That there's a lie, pardner!" Applejack said back.

"Yer right, I just felt like it!"

"W-Well, aside from the fact that you just attacked a random pony, an admittedly annoying one at that, without provocation..."

"I'm gonna stop ya dere, dipstick, I ain't here ta listen ta ya bantah or somethin', I'm here ta win a bet, an' I'm here fer a week, so ya better git used to it." Lobo blew some of his noxious smoke into Twilight's face, who coughed in response.

"Girls, Discord's coming to!" Fluttershy yelled out.

"Wha?"

"Are you okay Discord?"

"... Who're you... who am I?"

"AH HA HAHAHA HAAAAAAAA!!! Dat's hilarious!"

"Discord getting amnesia's funny to you?" Pinkie said incredulously. "What the hay's wrong with you?"

"Well, I don' really care fer any of ya, so why should I care 'bout dat bastich over dere?"

"Seriously, who are all of you ponies? And who's that black and white thing? It looks stupid!"

Lobo kicked Discord in the head, knocking him out cold again.

"Seriously Lobo, stop hitting ponies!!!" Twilight yelled out.

"Make me!" Lobo said as he got back on his bike, and began to fly away, covering the mares in the obnoxious smog.

"*COUGH COUGH* *GASP* MY COAT!!! IT'S... IT'S... FILTHY!!!" Rarity cried as she ran towards her home to take as many baths as it would take to wash off the filth.

"UGH!!!" Twilight groaned.

"Uhh, what happened? And why does my brain feel like it forgot something then remember it again?"

"Shut up Discord." Twilight replied.

"But I'm injured... and I... AH!"

Discord magicked in a random person, whom was covered in some kind of goo.

"Wha... where am... oh thank God!"

"Discord!"

"It's not my... AHG!!!"

A giant pizza-burger appeared above Applejack, and it fell on top of her.

"Oh dear, please Discord, you need to rest up." Fluttershy said in a worried tone.

"Oh sure... my head."

"Seriously, where am I?"

"Who the hay are you?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I am Aber-"

"BRAIN PAIN!!!"

The man disappeared in a purple plaid flash.

"Discord!"

"I am iiiiiiiiiiiiinjuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuured!" Discord whined.

Lobo had burst down the doors to Bon Bon's candy confectionery, and walked over to the counter with the cowering mare.

"Hey, got any sour candy, I've been needing a bit of a sour tooth fixin' fer later."

"Oh... um... do you have any money?"

Lobo pouted, and looked over to the side.

"Gimme a moment." Lobo went back to his bike and flew off.

"*Sigh* I bet this is going to be a new day of weirdness."

"Bon Bon! It's has finally come, the monster from my nightmare, except this one is colored in black and white, which is WORSE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Lyra went behind the counter.

"Lyra, calm..."

"SHUT UP!!! I'M NOT COMING OUT UNTIL IT'S GONE, G O N E, GONE!!! YOU WON'T HURT ME, HUMAN!!!" Lyra yelled out as she went into the broom closet, and locked herself in.

"Lyra, come on out."

"NO!!!"

Bon Bon sighed, and facehooved.

"Guess whose back, gimme some candy." Lobo said as he set down some coins, some of which had some blood on them.

"Where'd you..."

"Listen, jus gimme the candy, and lemme have my fun." Lobo explained, really wanting to just get the damn candy, and then punch that bastich in that castle place that bad-mouthed the bounty hunter.

"MEEP!!!"

"So, what's the verdict Dr. Stable?" Applejack asked.

"Your friend is suffering from major head trauma, and as a result, he is suffering from an inability to control his magic."

"So that explains why I am here for no *urp* r-reason." A random person said as he took a drink from his flask.

"MRPH MRPH MRRPH!" A red suited person thing said, muffled voice from his mask.

"S-s-shut up... you full body suited w-weirdo."

"Rick, Pyro, please shut up, I'm getting a brain aneurysm from all of this."

"MMMMRP!!!"

"PAIN!"

Pyro was replaced with by a short man with a crazy hairdo.

"Where the hell am I?"

"You're stuck in an alternate dimension because of a head traumaed chaos god, and now you are in deep shit, dawg!"

"Oh great, as if Kakarot was bad enough."

"GRAAAH!!!"

"The hell's wrong with her?"

"Don't mind her, s-she's just got a stick u-*urp*-p her ass."

Twilight whinnied, and trotted out angrily.

"Wow, she is pissed."

"Yep."

"Luna, I have to go to Ponyville to investigate the random complaints about a disturbing and disgusting creature terrorizing the populace, or as the more blunt of the ponies there said, 'a real jackass.'" Celestia explained as she trotted to her chariot.

"But what about the random attack and theft of Blueblood?" Luna replied.

"If the two are related, I shall act accordingly. If it is not, you shall be the one to investigate."

"You are kidding, right?"

"I am not."

"But TIIIAAAA!!! Blueblood's a self-centered-"

"I am aware Luna, that does not mean that he deserves everything he gets, only the retaliations that do not involve physical injury." Celestia said as she got on her chariot. "Besides, at the moment, he'll be too disoriented to make a fool of himself, so all will be good."

"How is that-"

"Goodbye Luna, and good luck!" Celestia yelled out as she took off.

Luna just stood there, speechless.

And then the implications set in.

"That little witch!"

Lobo had a fun day.

Made an ass of himself, check.

Punched someone, double check.

Rode his bike in a race, check.

Made a friend, NOPE!!!

Diagnose the indigestion, it was diarrhea, so check-a-roo.

All in all, an average day for the bounty hunter.

As he rode his SpazFrag 666, a chariot came down to his side, and the mare riding the chariot immediately deadpanned.

"Oh, it's you."

"Hey dere Celly, how's it goin' fer ya?"

"It has been a century since we first, and last met, and it was by far, the third worst time of my life."

"HA!!! Best Tuesday I ever fergit!"

"You killed several of my subjects over the alcohol content of the microbrews!"

"Oh yeah, 7 if I recall!"

"Go to Tarturus, you muscleheaded buffoon!"

"Already did, had lots'o fun there, HAHAHA!"

"Then go to the Nut House, because you are not welcome here." Celestia said sternly.

"Bug off, bastich!" Lobo began to drive straight... for... Twilight's...

'AHHHHHHH, Buck me.'

"Isn't there a way I can find out who this Lobo pony is?"

*CRASHING THROUGH A WALL!!!*

"What the hay!"

"Hey there, Sparkle-butt, how's that fer remodelin'?" Lobo said as he hopped off and landed on a sleeping Spike, who had the wind knocked out of him.

"MY HOUSE!!!"

At that moment, Celestia burst through the door.

"Get away from her, Lobo!" Celestia yelled out in a fit of rage.

"Princess?"

"Twilight!"

"Celly!"

"Lobo!"

"Monster!"

"Fraggin' Feetal's Gizz!"

"Lobo!"

"Purple pucker-face."

"Pinkie PIE!!!"

"Pinkie, not now." Twilight said to the mare, who was in a nearby flowerpot, with the flower and dirt on top of her head.

"OOPS!!! Sorry." She sunk down into the pot, and disappeared.

"Lobo, why are you here?"

"Next chapter."

"What?"

"Lazy writin', can't blame me." Lobo said as blew smoke, grabbed me through the computer screen, and... "OH GOD, MY EYE!!!"

"HAHAHAHA!!!"

Author's Note

Excuse me, I got a wound to nurse now. later.

The Why of the What is What but They Don't Know What is What

"So, Lobo, why have you come to Equestria again?" Celestia demanded in a low tone.

"Again?" Twilight looked at Lobo. "You've..."

"Yeah, we met, an' it wuz lots'o fun, 'specially the after-party." Lobo interjected.

"Your idea of an after-party caused the extinction of the sea ponies!" Celestia readied for an attack.

"Wait, he was the cause, but that was hundreds of years ago!"

"Well, I kinda lost track o' my age ever since I grew older than 300... thousand... I guess. Dat help ya, Sparker-butt?" Lobo gave the biggest shit-eating grin he could muster.

"How... wha... nothing makes any sense anymore!!!" Twilight screeched out.

"As fer why I'm here, I'm on a bet ta not make any friends, an' then I noticed the shape of that phallic-shaped island."

"You mean the Minotaur Kingdom."

"Had fun telling dose bastiches dat their Island was shaped like a..."

"Alright, enough about talking about genitals, and genital-shaped objects, please!" Twilight yelled out frustrated.

"Whatevah, listen, I'm gonna stay 'ere fer a week, so flock off, featherhead!" Lobo got back on his embedded bike, and began to fly off, crashing through another wall, full of books, and then again as Lobo had apparently lost control, until the tree split in half.

Twilight was so shocked at this horrible turn of events, that she went catatonic.

"Twilight?"

Celestia waved a hoof in front of Twilight, and then touched her, causing her to flop over onto her side.

"Curses. Spike?"

"Yes, Princess?"

"Tell my sister to come to Ponyville, immediately. It is of the upmost importance that this threat be taken care of immediately.

"O-okay princess!" Spike grabbed whatever parchment he could get, and then found all the quills to be broken.

"Drat!"

"Just use one of my feathers! I've neglected to preen recently, so I should have a few loose feathers now!" Celestia spoke in a half-loud voice. Spike agreed and took one of Celestia's feathers. It was shown to be not 100% but they had to improvise.

"Alright, send the letter, then tend to Twilight. I need to stop Lobo right now!" Celestia took off, leaving Spike, who just sent the letter to Luna, and an unconscious Twilight.

"BRIAN!!!"

A confused Japanese man holding an AKS-74u looked around as he found himself face to face with a strange pony with a hand for a head.

"Hi." It said.

"I need an adulrt." The man said.

"I am an adult." The hand-pony said.

"Shut up McKnuckles, my head hurts."

"Yoshi!"

"SHUT UP, YOSHI!!! YOU TOO WESLEY!!!"

"I wasn't..."

"I DON'T CARE!!! AH, MY HEAD!!! FFFFFFFFF:yay:!!!"

"I'd be pissed too if my head was throbbing."

"Krillin, you want to know what happens when a chaos god can make your balls 180 themselves with a simple thought?" Discord said in a harsh tone.

"...Duly noted."

Lobo flew into a random cave, thinking he could take a quick nap. He set the bike down onto the ground, put down the kickstand(?) and propped himself against the wall.

"AH!!! Dis is da life. Makin' ponies angry and punchin' 'em out too."

Lobo then smelled a bug. He got an annoyed look and scoffed.

"An' who da hell are ya?" Lobo asked the creature that was besides Lobo.

"H-how'd you..."

"I got a good nose. Once I got ya scent..." Lobo hocked up some phlegm and spat in the creature's face. "There ain't any escapin'. Now, who da hell are ya?" Lobo reached for his shotgun.

"I am Queen Chrysalis, and you are my..."

Lobo shot off Chrysalis' forelegs. She screamed in pain as the stumps bled. Lobo then got back on his bike.

"Get a doc, bug-breath, dose stumps are gonna keep on bleedin' if ya don't get one." Lobo smirked as he flew off, having no concern for the injured changeling.

Chrysalis whimpered as she flapped her wings in an attempt to keep off her bloodied stumps.

"I need help... Who do I go to?"

"LUNA!!!" Celestia yelled out.

"What? What is it, Sister?"

"A dangerous being has infiltrated Ponyville, and is refusing to leave until the week has ended. I need you to go over there to convince it to leave."

"Really now? And what is this creature?"

"A Czarnian."

"But, aren't they... extinct?"

"That's what I thought, until he came along."

"But aren't Czanians a peaceful species?"

"Not this one. Please, just go talk to it before he hurts anypony that matters again."

"Again?"

"He punched and kicked Discord in the head, and he's now having magic spasms."

"Oh, really?" Luna tried very hard not to snicker.

"Just go, I have no time for this. I'll handle Blueblood."

"Oh, well then I'll gladly go to Ponyville. Goodbye Sister, I won't let you down." Luna said as she left the throne room.

"Faust have mercy on your soul Luna." Celestia decided that she needed to get to her private stash and get a drink.

Wait, I didn't get hurt this chapter? HOOO-"

"I'm back!" *WHACK*

Author's Note

Motherf:fluttershbad:er! AHG!!! F:raritydespair:!!!