Through The Looking Glass
The night air glistens with a dry crackle, the hint of arid sand whistling through the night sky. A camel can be seen humping another camel while screaming in a new jersey accent.
"OH MARTY OH MARTY, RUB IT UP AGAINST MY HUMP!"
The camera pulls up to a short man wearing a turban behind a stand. He notices you, the reader.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh Shalom my well read friends! How can I interest you this evening?"
He pulls out a blue novel, "Perhaps some adventure that is sky loft sold? He tosses it and sighs. "Yeah, it sounds crusty I know." He picks up a purple hardback book, "Ahhhh maybe an adventure through the magics of Arabia no?" He lights it on fire and swallows it whole.
"There, TADAAAAAAAA." He slowly wisks his fingers through his bookshelf, and suddenly stops at a velvet covered print. He slowly reaches and pulls it out.
"Oh yes.... oh ho ho ho yes. This one reader. This one you'll enjoy."
He hands you the yellow velveted novel, and you open the cover. Words begin appearing in front of you, as if the story is writing itself!
You look up to thank the merchant, but he is already gone! You take off your jacket and sit on the dunes on this starry night, and enjoy your novel. You begin reading out loud to yourself. "Once there was a very shy pony named Fluttershy who lived in a cottage all by her lonesome....
"Alone in a cottage, ontop of a hill that stood on the precipace of a mountian, that stood over the sea, that was right next to the discotech, she had lived a humble life.
A good hearted pony was she, and how noble of a heart as well. Everyday there would be a new resident in the Villa de la Shy, whether it be field mouse or wooly mammoth.
They were her friends, and her comrades, however Fluttershy felt...empty inside. Something missing in her life that would complete her heart, she looked out on the precipace of the mountian face and reached her hoof out into the horizon, as if longing for someone. You suddenly feel a cold shiver run down your back, damn this desert wind! You nustle deeper into your jacket fort. Your nose buried deep into your novel as you read about Fluttershys misadventures with other ponies. What a silly pony, she's accidentallly dumped bubble bath into the town resevior! Oh no Mister Mustard was drinking from there!
You have a decent laugh, that seemed echoed from outside your jacket fort.
"Anon...."
Your highly sensitive Anon ears perk up.
"Anon...."
You peek your head out your jacket, to see where the beckoning voice is calling from. Huh. Lots of blowing sand, those two camels humping, and more sand. Guess its the wind. You turn back around, and see the book hovering in the air, wide open and screaming at you.
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON."
Before you can even scream any obsenity, the book falls upon you and absorbs you whole.
*cue cheesy 90's warpy stuff here*
Then all is darkness. The book spits up your shoe and burps loudly, meanwhile somewhere in some unknown place, small bits of light are buzzing about in your vision as you hear murmers from beyond you.
"What...IS that thing?"
"I-is it dead?"
"I don't know....BUT LETS POKE IT WITH A STICK!"
You suddenly feel a sharp pain in your side over and over again as the laughter becomes increasingly irritating.
"Ugh..... my fucking chest, knock it off you brats." You exclaim out loud.
A loud audible gasp is heard and the pain stops. You blink your eyes and try to gain your footing. Whoaaah, easy there Anon, there you are. Great! The perfect grace of a drunken sailor have ye! You open your eyes and see three little fillies holding sticks with their mouth agape at you. You rub your eyes again, and open them back up and still see them there.What. the. FUCK. You brush off some dirt off of your suit and look at the little fillies.
"WHAT? YOU NEVER SEEN A GROWN MAN BEFORE YA BRATS?"
They drop their sticks and scream "AHHHHHHH ZOMBIE YETI MAN!!!!"
The three run off away from you as you notice a trail of dust coming from behind them. You plop down on your butt and look at the sky.
What have you gotten yourself into this time Anon?
Well, it seems like you are now wandering about in a story that seemingly writes itself. You've successfully scared the crabapples out of three little ponies, and you have no idea what to do next.
You hold your hand to your eyes and squint, very far off in the distance you can see signs of civilization, some smoking chimneys, a murmer of animal life, a blinking motel light that says "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" and also two nuclear power plants.
Well, if you are to learn anything about this brave new world, you might as well get familiar with the locals.
You brush yourself off, and take a single step.
Which is met immediately with open and the sensation of falling. Yes. You are definately plummeting.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH" you softly whisper at the top of your lungs.
You hit a tree branch, and then a pile of tires, and then through a puddle of tar, and then oddly enough a random pile of feathers just laying about in the middle of nowhere.
You land right on your face. You get up and laugh at the camera. http://youtu.be/x13D_p_AwJ0
Oddly enough the tumble landed you right in front of the town. You get up and begin shuffling into town.
"HERRRRRRRRRRMMUPH?" The feathers are stuck in your mouth.
Ponies are screaming and slamming their windows at the sight of you.
A random italian pony looks at you and says. "MONGO! SANTA MARIA.....AHHHHHH!" and jumps off a cobblestone bridge into the river.
The screams of the village folk could be heard throughout the entire town. "ZOMBIE YETI CHICKEN!!!"
This is going to be a long day for you.
meanwhile at the local tavern, a gallant troupe of hunters are sitting beside a fireplace, retelling tales of yore and good bounty.
"T'were it be 15 apples I swear! The beast with THREE horns! It could gore any pony who dared so much peek a look at him I swear on me mothers grave!"
The entire tavern all marveled at the tale, as they ahh'd and ooe'd.
"There I be, alone in the woods as it be! Resting up for a day of travel when I hear this horrid howl in the night, I turn and I see the beast!"
He pounces on the table imitating a wolf. "'AWOOOOOOO' the creature howled, but I didn't let him scare off one second, I pulled out my trustie David Bowie Spoon."
He unseathes a giant spoon and swings it madly
"And slew the beast where it stood!" Everyone began clapping, and then suddenly just one single slow clap could be heard from a giant chair in front of the fireplace.
"Ha...ha...ha... what a great story." The person in the chair spoke.
The old hunter pony took a swig from his beer mug and chuckled. "Ahh tweren't nothinh sonny jim."
The chair collides with his face and sends him flying out of the tavern.
"EXCEPT THAT IT WAS MY STORY. NO ONE STEALS BASTONS STORIES! NO ONE!"
The tavern suddenly cheered and began singing about how much of a great guy he was.
Suddenly a random pony brusts through the tavern.
"M-M-M-M-M-MONSTER ON THE LOOSE!"
The tavern grew silent.
The scared townspony began stammering.
"I-it was 70 apples tall" sudden gasps and shocked reactions.
"It had HORRIBLE fangs, and a dragons maw!!!"
Several patrons spit out their beer
"AND IT TOOK A CRAP IN THE TOWN FOUNTIAN!!!"
The overly masculine bar owner screamed like a little girl and fainted.
"Who could stop such a horrid beast?" The tavern began murmering.
"Whoah. whoah, calm your horses ladies and gentlemen. I'm quite sure..." Baston began explaining.
"BASTON! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU'RE THE GREATEST HUNTER EVER!"
He suddenly freezes and does a "wut' look.
The tavern began cheering "YEAH BASTON SAVE THE DAY! KILL THE BEAST!"
Baston swallowed his nerves and smiled brightly.
"Of course I will, I am the greatest after all."
Many cheers were had and much beer was spilled.
Meanwhile, you are taking the hottest dump in this randomly placed giant toilet in the middle of town.
Urf....unh.... why must it be so hard to poop with feathers and tar stuck to your ass?
Plop splash. Argh. Fucking finally. You realize you dont have toilet paper and decide to brush it with your feathered arms. Oh well.
Suddenly you see it.
Oh shit, you start slowly wiping your ass slower.
There is a yellow pony with pink hair who is staring at you, mouth agape, and knees shaking.
You continue wiping your ass slowly, as you begin to pull up your pants. Its an extremely silent and akward moment.
You buckle your belt and begin to walk slowly to the yellow pony to ask for some sort of assistance.
"A GYSHAL CHOCOBO!!!!" she suddenly shouts as she launches herself right into your chest, feathers being launched into the air.
You land on your back as she sits on your chest, poking inquisingly at you.
"I've never seen one in person, I thought chocobos all died out during the great Balamb Migration!"
You look up at her and tilt your head.
"KWEEEE?" you mumble through your feathered mouth.
She gives a small gasp, and blushes. "OH MY GOODNESS, HOW ADORABLE!!!!" She nuzzles her muzzle on your face as you are definately in a state of mild confusion.
You try to get up. She quickly pounces up off you and apologizes. "Oh I'm sorry, you're probably not from around here and used to ponies being so touchy with you."
She does a cute little bow and looks at you with cutesy eyes. "My name is Fluttershy, whats your name you adorable little thing?"
"Hmphmphpmh." you mutter through your feathered mouth.
"Hmpmpmh. What a nice name." She extends her hoof, I do believe she wants a handshake. You outreach your feathered arm and shake her hoof.
WHEN SUDDENLY
"GET YOUR MURDEOUS ANIMAL CLAWS OFF THAT POOR DEFENSELESS PONY YOU THING OF HELL!"
You hear gunshots.
Fuck.
You continue to hear gunshots in the village as you follow your manly Anon instincts as crouch down in fear crying for your mommy.
The gunshots are being met with trumpet as you hear mean yelling "MAKE WAY FOR HUNTER BASTON."
Suddenly a fat tranny appears out of nowhere and begins encouraging pony folk.
"Hey you clear the way in the pony town, hey you get out of here, whaddya you a great big, come be the first to come and meet his eye. MAKE WAY HERE HE COMES RING BELLS BANG THE DRUMS, CUZ YOUR GONNA LOVE THIS GUY!"
A loud gunshot follows and the fat tranny falls over dead.
"I hate musicals." Baston said as he blew the smoke off of his shotgun.
A random cowpony shakes his head at his zebra cowboy partner and says. "Boy, is he strict!"
Baston points his shotgun right at you and cocks the hammer. "Prepare to die you foul beast!"
This is it man. You close your eyes and wince for the incoming pain. Game over. Game over.
"DONT YOU HURT A FEATHER ON HIS CUTE LITTLE HEAD YOU BIG BRUTE!"
You open your eyes a little bit and see Fluttershy standing in front of you with her arms wide open shielding you. Well, slightly, the other pony could totally shoot you in the chest without hurting her, but its the thought that counts right?
"MOVE ASIDE WOMAN! THAT THING IS A MONSTER AND IT MUST BE DESTROYED!" Baston said as he tried to walk past Fluttershy.
"Nope" Fluttershy said as she blocked his way.
Baston tried his left, she stepped to her left. "Nope."
"Hey come on." Baston whined.
"Nope." she replied.
This continued on for about 5 minutes.
"Okay fine. YOU WIN." Baston threw down his shotgun that fired randomly and hit a wildebeest that was singing about a carefree life. "Go keep your monster, you FREAK."
Everyone starts laughing at Fluttershy who begins tearing up, and pulls at your arm.
"C'mon little guy, lets go home."
You and Fluttershy walk past the laughing ponies as Baston sneers at you and whispers. "Don't think we're done here"
You follow Fluttershy up the mountian face as the wind begins blowing coldly. You can hear her soft sobs in between the wind gales. You suddenly feel really bad for some reason, if it wasn't for you, she wouldn't have been ostracized in front of the whole town like that.
"Mmphmphmpgm." You mumble.
She turns around and sniffles. "It's not your fault Hmphpmhpmh. Baston... has always been like that..." she turns around slowly, "Especially when I turned down his wedding proposal."
Ah, thats why the whole dickery thing. You pet her on the back with your feathery arm. "Mpmgpmg, mgopmgg. Mpmgpmg, mgpgmpgf." you say to comfort her.
She sniffles some more and hugs you.
"Aww, you're a real sweetheart you know? I'm sure you'll love your animal brothers and sisters."
"Mofmomds gmgom mwm?" you question.
"Here we are, Home sweet home!" Fluttershy exclaims happily. Its a nice little villa with a straw patch roof and a lovely outside garden. I bet you anything shes a total hippy.
"Okay everybody, come outside and meet your new friend!" Fluttershy playfully whispered as she opened the door. Suddenly a tidal wave of animals hits you at full speed. You get bombarded with kangaroos, various birds, insects, kittens, snakes, mice, skunks, a very huggy bear, a giant squid and a white bunny who looks at you very funny.
"Mpmpmh?" you ask it.
He stares you down, and then hops up. he gives you a thumbs up and hops back into the house.
"Don't mind Angel Anon, he's a bit of a primadonna."
"mpmpgmpmgpmhm." you mutter sarcastically.
"And they are all very happy to meet you too." She smiles tilting her head.
"Now, whose ready for dinner?" All the animals get off of you and run back in the cottage, your belly is rumbling too, as you follow the animals. You feel a hoof on your shoulder.
"Not yet Mpmpmg.... I don't mean to be rude... but you need a bath."
Oh yeah... my poop arm.
Fluttershy begins pushing you with her head towards the tub as you try frantically to explain the situation.
"MPMGPMPGMGPMPMGMPGM."
"Now no buts mister! Into the bath you go!"
She is remarklably forceful, she picks you up and places you gently on the marble tub. She begins drawing warm water from the faucet as she begins humming.
You look around, you know... this isn't half bad. You begin to relax and lay back in the warm water. Finally, some normality in this weird ass day.
Splash.
You open your eye, "Room for one more?" Fluttershy giggles as she slips into the tub across from you.
"Mpmpmpmggh." you shrug. She slips in and sighs. "Oh, its just oh so nice to meet new friends, dont you agree?"
"mmpmpmghm." you concur.
She pulls out a razor and begins shaving her legs.
"I mean, its not that I dont have many friends... its just I know animals more than ponies."
You start nodding your head as feathers begin falling off and the tar is slowly dripping away.
Fluttershy begins shaving her armpits "And well, I dont know if you know, but I'm also very shy."
You continue to nod your head as she pulls out a weed whacker and begins shaving her buttocks, unknowingly you losing feathers the entire time.
"But I'm glad I could keep you safe, can....can I hug you?"
"Mmpmpmpmh." you open your arms as she strides over.
The tar and feathers are completely melted but Fluttershy is too busy with her eyes closed in your chest and begins softly singing.
"And the way you moved....Memories...like the color of my mind.Is this water full of memories? For you to find?"
You begin singing along. "Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind. Smiling at one another, of the way we were."
You suddenly start singly loudly "CAN IT BE THAT IT WAS ALL SO SIMPLE THEN?"
Fluttershy opens her eyes in shock, looks at your bare chest, and looks at your face. She begins blushing profusely as her mouth dropped and tears began welling in her eyes.
"EEEEEEE"
The rest of the evening was relatively akward. You and Fluttershy sat at opposite sides of the table, barely speaking a single word. She barely has touched her single lettuce leaf and she even refuses to look in your direction.
You play around with the single piece of lettuce on your plate. Well, there is a whole bunch of spaghetti here too, but its the non edible kind.
You go to break the ice.
"Look, I tried to tell you I wasn't a Chuckaboo"
She still has her head turned, not even acknowledging you.
"Honestly, its not my daily routine to be dressing up as animals and luring young girls to bathe with me." you say fidgeting with the lettuce leaf.
She still refuses to look you in your direction.
"I mean, I guess if I wasn't a Chuckaboo, you wouldn't have saved me in the first place."
"....chocobo." you hear a soft whisper.
"Huh?" you say motioning her to speak louder.
"...Chocobo. They are called Chocobos."
She turns toward you but still refuses to look you in the eye. "And thats not true, even if I knew you were, a..."
She pauses for a second.
"Wait, what exactly ARE you?"
You eat your single lettuce leaf. "I'm an Anon, and protip, Anons eat a whole lot more than lettuce leaves."
"Oh I'm sorry Anon, would you like mine?" she pushes her plate forward. "No thank you Fluttershy." you begin eyeing up the household critters thinking which one would be tastier.
"Well, I would've saved you anyway even if I knew you were an Anon."
She gets up from the table and walks your direction to collect your plate, still refusing to look at your face.
"I just wished you would've told me sooner."
"I honestly did Fluttershy, I really really did, why does it bug you so much?"
Fluttershy dropped the plates and they shattered the akwardness of the room.
She turns around shakingly and covered in spaghetti...
"W-w-w-w-well,... umm...that, was my first time together with a boy...."
"What? Taking a bath? I'm pretty sure some of these animals here are boys Fluttershy." She bends overs to pick up some of the broken glass, you lean back a little in your chair, huh... not a bad sight.
"I m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mean a b-b-b-b-b-b-boy who is... you know.... like..."She stammers.
"Someone who you can talk to?" You finish her statement.
She silently nods. You walk over and pat her head as you crouch down and meet her face to face. She is blushing profusely and tries to turn away.
"Hey... Fluttershy... c'mon look at me."
"I-can't a--aa-a-anon." she tries to fight a little.
"why not?"
She turns and looks you right in the eyes and embraces you as her wings begin flapping quickly.
"Because... I've never met anything like you before. You can understand me, but you're not a pony, you are like an animal, but strangely....I felt it in the tub....I feel..." her wings begin flapping faster and faster.
You put your finger to her wings and push them down. "Let's.... get to know each other first okay Fluttershy?"
She nods behind a happy smirk, she jumps up into your chest and begins nuzzling you. "Anon... is it okay if we snuggle and talk all night long?"
"Sure Fluttershy, let me tell you about myself, I was born into a Canadian famil.... you begin to drone out as the night began rolling in. Fluttershy was kept captivated by your life story, hanging off of every word and every experience, but little did the two of you know, that outside the cottage was a very heartbroken hunter, who cursed your named, and vowed upon his honor to wreck revenge on your friendship. SO DON'T EXPECT MUCH!!!
As the night grew dimmer, Fluttershy nustled into your belly as you poked the fire with a poker stick.
"Anon... do you think we'll be friends forever?"
"No." You flatly state.
She gasps.
You look at her and yawn. "We'll be more."
You doze off, as she curls up next to you, the fire grows dim, then dark.
