A Bad Story About Why Bad Stories Are Bad
"Alright, Spike. You ready to do this?" Twilight asked, a big smile adorning her face.
"Eeyup," Spike replied, slouching back in his chair and setting aside his bowl of Cocoa 'Splosion cereal. "Just don't get too upset when you see that I was right."
Twilight rolled her eyes, and focused back on the computer screen in front of her. "Please, Spike. Ponies are going to love my story far more than that abomination you submitted."
"And why do you think that?"
"Because mine is an epic romance story! Yours is a plotless blasphemy of everything we should respect about fine literature!"
"Yeah... but mine has lesbian sex, and yours is about Hum-Drum. Your argument is invalid," Spike said, shrugging his shoulders.
Twilight let out an annoyed sigh. "Well fine, let's just see whose stories get better received. I submitted both of them, so in a few minutes we should start getting some results."
"Whatever you say, Twi."
A few minutes passed by which primarily consisted of Twilight staring down her computer screen and Spike relaxing in his chair.
"Aha! I've got a notification!" Twilight screeched, bouncing off her chair. "Its a comment!"
"What does it say?" Spike asked.
"Alright, let me read it," Twilight said, her grin growing wider by the second. "It says:
Er mah gerd, this sucks.
"What?! He gave it a down vote, too? This comment was on the first chapter, he didn't even read it!"
"Probably not. But hey, he's probably just a troll with no life. Wait for another comment."
Twilight let her body relax, and nodded her head in agreement. "Wait, I got another one!"
"Read it!"
"Ahem, this user says:
Not enough lesbians."
Twilight's eye twitched several times as her brain tried to think of an appropriate response. "That has nothing to do with my story! And now it has three dislikes?!"
"Sorry, Twilight. It's the nature of the business. You can be the best author in the world, but it doesn't matter if the ponies don't want to read what you put out."
"Well fine then, let's see how your writing venture has fared," Twilight said, glaring at Spike. "What was the name of your story again?"
"Zapp Gets Her Matter Horned."
"Oh, dear God..." Twilight replied, surfing the site to find his story.
"What?!" Twilight cried.
"What? What is it?!" Spike yelled, jumping closer to the screen.
"Yours has twenty likes?!"
"Looks that way," Spike said with a smug grin. "Its also received zero dislikes might I add."
"Well... let's read some of the comments. Maybe they're just expressing their dislike in words."
"Whatever you say. Let me hear 'em."
"Alright, here they are:
Hawt!
By Celestia's mane, that was beautiful.
Instant like.
Dat title though...
This story had no plot, poor characterisation, and weak grammar... But I don't care! Liked!
Spike couldn't help but chuckle at the look of sheer disbelief on Twilight's face. "Sorry, Twi, but the readers have spoken."
"I don't get it," she said, turning to Spike. "You're telling me that my fifty-thousand word, structurally flawless epic about Hum-Drum discovering who he is, battling the forces of evil, and finding true love is being overshadowed by your two-thousand word abhorrence?"
"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Spike answered.
"But why? It makes no sense!"
"Twilight, let me clue you in on something. When you're writing a story, its like racing a carriage."
Twilight simply responded with a confused gaze. "Care to explain?"
"You see, the pen and paper are your reins, you're imagination is the roadway, and the audience is the finish line. You can pave the road every which way, but you gotta know how to make it to the audience... You feel me?"
"So, you're saying that if I want to get really popular I have to sell out basically, and write stuff that the majority wants to read?"
"Yep."
"Spike, that's terrible advice!"
"Sorry, Twi, but the majority of ponies care more about cheap and quick thrills as opposed to fine literature."
"Are you saying that the only way to get known is to write nonsensical pornography?"
"Or comedy. You could try that."
"No, thank you. Comedy is not my thing... especially that satirical stuff. Blech!"
"Well, let's look back at your story. Maybe it has some likes now?"
Twilight turned around back to the screen and brought up her story. "Look! It has three likes now!"
"Any comments?"
"Yeah, I've got three new ones. They say:
Wow, this is epic!
Pretty good so far.
Psh, Hum-Drum is just a tool for overweight dudes who have no social life.
"Wait one freakin' second! What is that supposed to mean?!" Twilight yelled, jumping out of her chair. "I am not overweight, Im not a dude, and I do have a social life! I'm a princess for crying out loud!"
"Yeah... I probably should've warned you. There's always a few ponies who have nothing to do with their life than pick on others. Just ignore them and move on. They're pointless trolls."
"But why would anyone say that? It serves no purpose to anything!"
"Probably because they themselves are losers with no life."
Twilight sunk into her seat and drooped her head. "Ugh... this whole fanfiction business is harder than it looks. I just wanted to write something ponies could enjoy. But apparently you have to fit some mold to have an audience."
"Don't worry, Twi. Your story does have an audience. Its just a smaller one. I mean, look." Spike pointed a claw back at the screen. "Your story has seven likes now."
Twilight tilted her gaze up with a small smile. "You're right!"
"Eeyup, and I bet mine has had a considerable drop in popularity," Spike said, bringing up his story. "Or not..."
"One-hundred likes?! What is wrong with the fanfiction community?"
"A question that has baffled scientists for centuries,” Spike calmly replied. “But hey, at least you had a solid story. The beginning was good, the middle was great, and that ending was flawless.”
“Well, thank you, Spike. I worked especially hard to give it a good ending. I hate it when a story ends in the middle of the action or with gaping plot holes.”
“Tell me about it! It’s so annoying when
Author's Note
Oh... the irony.
