Many stories start with a small, insignificant thing that ends up changing their lives forever. Well this is one of those stories. Yeah I know it’s cliche by now, but for some reason nobody’s protesting.
“Daven I think I shit myself.”
“Yeah sure Xavier.”
“No seriously I shit my pants.”
At this point, Daven turned to me with a small grin on his face.
“Your shitting me?” He asks, becoming suddenly amused with my predicament. However I was in the uncomfortable situation of having liquidized shart particles running down my leg so I couldn’t protest.
“No I’m shitting myself.”
At this point Daven, being the ass he is, just sat there and laughed. Though this may seem a bit confusing to some of you, so allow me to give some backstory.
We were at PAX Prime, no we won’t get super powers when we go into Equestria and no we aren’t cosplaying either. That’s just weird.
Anyways, upon noon time most of the panels had been visited and fatigue had begun to set into our bodies. It was at this time me, Daven, and our other bruh Steven found a panel that was handing out free five hour energy drinks. Knowing us it was only a matter of now as to when we would get in line for them. and that time wa- wait. You get the point we just got in line.
It was at this moment that I realized I had to fart. Not your normal everyday fart, like a little toot but one of those ones that interrupt thanksgiving dinner because it sounds like you shoved a fax machine down your own throat.
Little did I know, this fart was actually a shart. That’s right, the bane of underwear everywhere. The liquid fart that everybody who works in a public space fears. The same kind of fart that breaks up pool parties, job interviews, and, in rare cases, marriages. Being me, i felt compelled to force it out as loudly as I possibly could, no matter how crowded the area.
If only I had know it would send tiny pieces of literal shit rocketing towards my pants at light speed. YOLO right?
Anyways, I decided to tell Daven what had just happened and it only proceeded to make matters worse. “Daven I think I shit myself.”
“Yeah sure Xavier.”
“No seriously I shit my pants.”
At this point, Daven turned to me with a small grin on his face.
“Your shitting me?” He asks, becoming suddenly amused with my predicament. However I was in the uncomfortable situation of having liquidized shart particles running down my leg so I couldn’t protest.
“No I’m shitting myself.”
At this point Daven, being the ass he is, just sat there and laughed. I looked around for any form of bathroom as Daven recovered from the battleground of hilarity that is shart jokes. You’d think you would have grown out of it huh? Well you’re wrong.
Upon a quick reconnaissance of the area around me I spied the Unisex bathroom and hoped that it wasn’t filled with penis people. Or as you would call them, men.
I quickly walked away from the line, with Daven and Steven, though Steven was confused as hell, following suit. Upon reaching the bathroom I contemplated the door for a second, as instead of a handle there was just a metal slab right on the door. It was unusual to see such a peculiar thing in such a populous area. I couldn’t begin to understand the complexities and enigmas that lie within that lack of a hand- Oh god I’m turning into Daven.
Anyways, after a couple of attempts at kicking the door open, I realized that the handle was on the other side of the door, and I quickly opened it before anybody else could notice how much of an idiot I made myself look.
Quickly ducking into the bathroom and locking the door, or at least turning to lock the door before I realised it was a multiple stall bathroom. I proceeded to attempt to clean myself up. Of course, with my terrible luck there was no toilet paper.
Why God why?
The only thing I could even consider wiping myself down with was those shitty brown paper towels you usually find in a school building. I mean, I've tried using those, but I might as well have been wiping my ass with Duct tape glued to sandpaper. Yes, they were that bad.
Wanting to clean myself before the stains and the smells set in, I used my arm as a hydraulic pump on the dispensers, then ran into the nearest stall and locked the door. I then proceeded to perform the meticulous task of wiping one's ass clean of shit. Once I was finished, I had one of the most rational thoughts I've had all day. Stuff them all down the toilet at once.
Would you expect to see a creepy-ass looking vortex appear from the clog? No? Neither did I, but apparently that type of shit happens when you’re trying to get rid of your shit. Convenient I know.
Back to the point, I curiously looked into the swirlay (god I’m so gay sometimes) vortex before my phone began buzzing. I picked it up and Daven’s annoyed voice pierces through the speakers.
“How long does it take to wipe your ass?”
“It’s kinda hard when there isn’t any toilet paper.” I reply, rolling my eyes.
“Holy jesus cocksuck what fresh hell is that?” Daven asks, his voice filled with terror.
“I dunno,” I say, “but I performed some form of toilet magic and now there’s a portal in the toilet.”
“The power of voodoo.” Daven says, before he hangs up and I hear the bathroom door opening. “Alright Xavier where the dick is the swirlay portal?”
Guess I know where I get my homosexuality from. Although time and time again I prove I'm not gay. 'What strange sorcery is it?' You may ask. Well, I have no idea.
I unlock the door and wave Daven into the stall. He walks in and stops after looking at the toilet.
“Now you’re thinking with portals.” Daven says. If you didn’t get that reference go play Portal 2 before everybody who has Steam beats you senseless.
“Daven now isn’t the time for jokes, I just made a vortex by shoving my ass juice and some impromptu toilet paper down the toilet.” Rather than responding, Daven just looks at me with the most confused look I’ve seen him pull off.
“Dude is your shit like, magical or something? Because that’s pretty metal.” I shrug and watch as Steven walks into the stall and looks at the vortex. I swear if he says some kind of thing from tumblr…
“Dude, were you quantum shitting through the Nth dimension or something?” He says.
God he’s so predictable.
“No I just wiped my ass and this happened.” I replied.
“So,” Daven says, butting in. “I vote we go through it and see where it leads.” I nod my head and Steven takes a fearful look at the vortex.
“I don’t wanna step in Xavier’s shit.” He says, throwing his arms towards the vortex. Daven puts on an evil smile and fear goes through my stomach as I watch him shove Steven into the vortex.
“Well,” Daven says, “Steven didn’t get upchucked by the vortex so I say it’s safe.
I watch as he jumps right into the vortex and his body twists in some grotesque figures and shapes before disappearing completely.
Well, nothing to lose I guess. Allons-y!
Jumping into the portal, I almost immediately regret making friends with Daven as each of my muscles decide it wants to do different parts of the macarena, causing some excruciating pain and a couple of cramps.
Jokes on you vortex, this is my fetish. Actually, this was nowhere close to my fetish, but I wanted it to be the last thing I thought before delving into the unknown.