It was a calm and somewhat humid night.
Ponyville slept. Mostly, in any case. The lights were on at the Carousel Boutique; Rarity was beginning an all-nighter in preparation for her upcoming fashion show in Manehattan. They were on—well, more accurately, off and on—at the shared apartment of Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, where the former was busy working on some dubstep and strobe lights, and the latter was wondering if such work would be considered in Celestia’s law as grounds for justifiable homicide. And they were on at the Golden Oak Library, where Twilight Sparkle was muzzle-deep in a history of the Crystal Kingdom. Other than that, Ponyville slept peacefully. It was a quiet town like that, where almost nothing ever happened, Equestria’s version of North Dakota.
Yeah, right. There weren't too many places in Equestria where a pony was required to buy Discord insurance.
Death slithered through Ponyville in the darkness. Snakes were certainly not unknown in Ponyville or its environs, even poisonous ones. Most of the deadlier snakes steered clear of the ponies’ town, knowing that the denizens outweighed them at least ten to one, and one good hoof stomp would be detrimental to a snake’s continued health. Snake venom was sometimes not powerful enough to bring down a full-grown pony, and a death would result in immediate retaliation against the snake community as a whole. No one wanted to repeat the Great Luna Snake Massacre of ’54.
Yet this snake was not native to Ponyville. He was not even native to Equestria. Technically, he was not even venomous. This snake killed by constriction. Even the mightiest earth pony or alicorn would find his strength to be difficult to break out of…and this snake had powers that ensured that the aforementioned earth pony or alicorn would never even get that chance.
His name was Kaa.
By all rights, Kaa should not exist on the same plane of existence as Equestria. He was a fictional character, not real like the ponies were. He had come to be here because of a magical quirk: a bookworm, to be precise. The bookworm had tried to devour all the books in the Golden Oak Library—entirely innocently; he was just hungry and looking for a book where the bookworm was the hero. The bookworm, and the Bearers of Harmony’s eventually successful attempt to stop him, had the side effect of making some of the books come alive. Ponyville abruptly became ground zero for quite a few literary characters to get their pony on. Maleficient, Voldemort, Loki, the White Witch…they all descended on this once bucolic little town and made it theirs. Luckily, it only took a few hours for Twilight Sparkle and her amazing friends to put things right, though it had taken Celestia’s and Luna’s to round up the book baddies and send them back to their time.
But the Elements of Harmony and the Alicorn Princesses had missed one. After all, they were looking for ponies…not snakes.
(They had actually missed two. Pony Daenerys Targaryen and her three dragons escaped to the lands beyond the Griffon Kingdom, to free slaves and learn how to be a ruler. She would return to take back what she believed was hers, and overthrow Celestia. In two books, or two decades, whichever came first. But that’s another story. Maybe. Someday. Eh, probably not.)
In any case, Kaa had concealed himself in the woods around Ponyville and escaped notice. He was not idle during those times. He was hunting. Because Twilight’s version of The Jungle Book was based on the movie made by the Corporation That I Can’t Name Because I’m Scared They’ll Sue Me, this was not the Kaa that was willing to defend man-cubs, but the Kaa who rather preferred to eat man-cubs. Since there were not any humans around that Kaa knew of, ponies would just have to do. The only question in his reptile mind was, which one?
When Kaa first arrived in Ponyville, he attempted to eat Scootaloo. Using his hypnosis to lure the filly into his coils to make eating easier was a rather simple task. Unfortunately, Kaa then learned of the other two founding members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who looked somewhat askance at their best friend being devoured by a giant python. One steel frying pan wielded by Apple Bloom and assorted minor stab wounds from Sweetie Belle’s horn, and Scootaloo did not become Purina Snake Chow. Kaa decided that talking pastel ponies were a bit smarter than he gave them credit for, and laid low while he picked out his next target. After some thought and a few days of quietly exploring Ponyville and its immediate region, Kaa made his choice: he was having alicorn in the raw.
Twilight Sparkle.
Pegasi might fly away before his hypnosis took hold, and since his head rang for several hours after being conked by Apple Bloom, he was swearing off members of the Apple family for now. He had spotted Pinkie Pie, but after watching her devour three Lemon Muffin Surprises, eight Donut Joe's Glazed Specials, and an enormous Sugar Death Cookie in less than five minutes, Kaa decided that the risk of acquiring diabetes was too great. Rarity was another option, but he had seen a small dragon going into her boutique. Kaa had met dragons in the past, even small ones, and it hadn’t ended well. So it was Twilight by elimination. He admitted to himself that there might be easier targets, but he did like a challenge, and he’d never had alicorn before.
Kaa slithered up to the front door of the library without a sound. Noting the window was open, he entered through that, which was much easier than trying to manipulate a doorknob. Twilight was oblivious to the approach of her demise: she was reading about the rise of King Sombra, and having met the pony in question, it was quite fascinating. Kaa froze halfway to his quarry when she stopped and used her magic to bring a cup of hot chocolate to her lips, but Twilight did not look around, still sitting on a cushion on the floor, hooves tucked underneath her, still intent on the book.
Kaa knew that the easiest way to do this was to slide up behind the pony, strike suddenly, and wrap his coils around her throat, strangling the life from her before Twilight even realized what was happening….but there was also the need Kaa had to see his opponents’ face, and for them to see him.
He so loved to play with his food.
Kaa slithered closer, using the cover of a unicorn bust (not that kind) and various stacks of books to hide his approach. To his glee, Twilight did not even notice when he came out from behind the books and crept up to the very spine of the book in front of her. (To be fair to Twilight, it was one of those coffee table books you get at Barns and No Bell for a low price of eight bits, plus tax.) Unable to suppress a grin, he slowly rose like a green, mottled periscope to peer over the top of the book. His grin faded a bit when Twilight still did not notice him. It was only when she turned the page that she noticed the python’s head resting on the spine. She blinked once, unsure if her mind was playing tricks on her, if her imagination somehow conjured the image of King Sombra from the pages.
Then she screamed. Twilight Sparkle wanted to be friends with everyone, but there were some animals she just could not abide. Skunks were one of them. Dragonequuses were another. And snakes were at the top of her list. Twilight shot backwards like she was ejected out of a cannon.
With admirable agility, Kaa ducked before the falling book would have given him another concussion. It rolled harmlessly off his back as he moved quickly to stop Twilight. In a flash, he had two coils around her hooves and upended her, dragging Twilight into the air to dangle helplessly in his grasp. He brought his head level with hers. “Hello, Twilight Sssparkle.”
Twilight was stunned, and not from the blood rushing to her head. First of all, she was now hanging upside down, eyes level with a carnivorous snake. Second, aforementioned snake was one of the literary villains who escaped from her library during the Bookworm Affair. Third, it was Kaa. Fourth, she was in considerable trouble. Her first instinct was to scream, but she deduced that help would not be arriving—Spike was helping Rarity, the oak walls of the library were thick, and the sonic resonance of her screams would be roughly analogous to the dubstep Vinyl Scratch was playing down the street, so she would not be heard. She clamped her eyes shut, remembering Kaa’s favored method of pacifying, and playing, with his prey.
“Ah ah ah,” Kaa chided. Food was so silly sometimes: they’d close their eyes, mistakenly thinking that would save them. After all, the end result would still be the same. “You really ssshould open your eyesss, my dear. That would make thingsss easssier.”
“No thanks. You’ll try and hypnotize me.” Twilight’s mind raced, trying to think of a spell that wouldn’t a) hurt her as well and/or b) blow up the library.
“Yesss, of courssse. But you would be happy asss I begin to eat you.” His tongue touched her muzzle. “And that isss what I am going to do, and there’sss nothing you can do about it.” The coils got tighter and more were added, immobilizing Twilight. “Besssidesss, meat doesssn’t tassste asss good when it’sss afraid. Leaksss into the blood and ssspoilsss it. You wouldn’t want to ssspoil my dinner, would you?”
“You should get that lisp looked at,” Twilight grunted against the strength of his coils.
Kaa frowned and squeezed, elicting a gasp from Twilight. “That wasssn’t very nice.” His tongue flicked out again. “Maybe I ssshould just go ahead and devour you.” It was a bluff: Kaa still wanted to play a bit. He tightened his grip a bit more, hoping the shock would cause his prey to open her eyes.
“Wait. You’re going to eat me?”
“By the beard of Ssshere Khan, you are denssse. Of courssse I’m going to eat you!” he exclaimed. All thessse books, he thought, and ssshe’s an idiot.
Twilight blew out her breath—as much as she could. “Whew! That’s a relief.”
“What? How ssso?” Kaa turned his head. He had never heard that one before.
“Well, not too long ago, I was in the human world…can you loosen your coils just a little?” Kaa complied, intrigued. He liked a good story. Oh, he’d still eat her, but one could not pass up dinner and a show. “Thanks,” Twilight said, breathing easier. “Anyhow, I was in the human world, kind of like you’re here in this world, and you’ll have to tell me how you did that—“
“Later, when you’re being digesssted. Hurry up.”
“Anyway, I found this thing called the internet. You’re on there. I saw you. Have you ever been on the internet, Kaa?”
Kaa shook his head, not that Twilight could see that. Her eyes were still closed. “No. No handsss.”
“Oh…right. I understand. Well, to make a long story short…are you going to turn me into a slave and ride me around like…”
“A pony?” Kaa snickered.
“Well, yes.”
Kaa shook his head again. “No, Twilight Sssparkle. Do you ride around on top of your daisssy sssandwichesss?”
“Oh, good. Because that’s embarrassing.” Twilight blushed a little bit, though it was hard to see because her coat was purple. “Um…you’re not going to…well…oh, this is embarrassing too.”
The snake’s stomach rumbled. Kaa rolled his eyes. “Oh, do hurry up. What?”
“You’re not going to…um…make me do lewd things, right?”
“Like what?”
“Erhm…you know...sexual…things?” Twilight’s cheeks burned.
Kaa made a noise somewhere between a sigh and a gag. “Uck, no! Why would I do that?” He shivered with nausea. Twilight wasn’t the first prey to ask that question. Truly, this internet, whatever it might be, was one sick bastard.
“Oh, good. Because that’s just weird. I mean,” Twilight continued, “we’re not really compatible, biologically speaking. It just wouldn’t work out. Twikaa just sounds wrong. No offense or nothing, but I’m not into snakes.”
“You sssoon will be,” Kaa hissed in mirth. He’d been waiting to use that line for awhile now. “Are you done? Becaussse I’m rather famissshed.”
“Can I have a last request?”
“No.” Kaa began getting into position to unhinge his jaw and start with the feasting. He’d originally decided to start from the bottom, so to speak; while it was a bit on the gross side, it would allow him to avoid Twilight’s horn. After a few minutes of her chattering, though, he was going to start with the head, just to shut her up. “I ssshould’ve eaten the white pony,” he mumbled.
“Rarity? Oh, no. She’d be mortified if you ate her raw. Probably demand you bake her into a quiche, or something. And speaking of eating…”
Kaa finally found a good angle. “Yesss, ssspeaking of that…”
“You shouldn’t eat me.”
Kaa stopped, and smiled. He was wondering if this would happen. Usually, he hypnotized his prey into goofily-grinning submission before starting up the feast. Sometimes the hypnosis would be just enough to immobilize them, leaving them aware of what was going to happen but unable to do anything but sleepily plead for mercy. Kaa admitted that he rather enjoyed that. “Oh? And why isss that?”
“All right.” Twilight took a breath. “First of all, I have a horn. That’s going to hurt on the way down, you know.”
“You underessstimate my digessstive juicesss, Twilight.”
“Second. I’m an alicorn. Do you know what that means?”
“You tassste better?”
Twilight thought about that for a moment. Would alicorns taste better than regular ponies? Did their inherent magic make them somehow more spicy? An interesting question. She shook off the disgusting, Rainbow Dash-like thought of asking her brother, and returned to the situation at hoof. “No, we’re very magical. See, we can cast spells with our horns.” She made hers light up a bit. “And we can cast them anywhere. You could eat me, and I would teleport right out of your tummy.”
Kaa considered that. “In that cassse, I would jussst have to eat you again. I don't mind going back for ssseconds.”
“Or I could cast Bigby’s Crushing Tactical Nuke from inside you. You ever see a ketchup bottle explode? Yeah. That would be you.”
Kaa shuddered involuntarily. That was a mental image he could do without. He relaxed his grip on Twilight a little. There was silence for a few moments. “You sssure took all the fun out of that,” he said grumpily.
Twilight smiled. “See? You’d better not eat me. Now just let me go, and we can forget about all this. I have a great turnip radish salad in my kitchen that we could split.”
“Sssorry. I’m not a vegetarian.” Kaa suddenly squeezed so hard Twilight was afraid her ribs would break. She desperately gasped for breath. He shifted around, bringing one coil down over Twilight’s eyes. He gripped her skull like one might grab a stuck bottle cap. Twilight realized he was forcing her eyes open. “And how will you cassst a ssspell…when you can’t ssspeak, can’t breathe, and when I’ve bent you to my will?” He hissed a laugh. “Don’t resssissst, Twilight…it will go ssso much easssier.”
“There’s…one…last…reason…not…to…eat…me…” Twilight gasped. Her eyelids were gradually, painfully pulled back.
“No more talk, dear Twilight Sssparkle…jussst…” His smile spread across his face. “…trussst in me.” Her eyes were open enough now, and Kaa could weave his own spells.
Then the door flew open. Kaa broke eye contact; he would need to subdue whatever this new threat was first. One zap, as he called it, and whoever it was would be halted in their tracks. He could finish off Twilight and then have dessert.
Kaa’s eyes flew open as he saw who it was. His jaw dropped, and it wasn’t to eat. “No…it can’t be…”
The voice was sepulchural. “Let. Her. Go.”
“You’re…you’re not real. You’re…jussst a legend.” In utter terror, Kaa dropped a wheezing Twilight to the floor and recoiled in his coils. “You’re not real!” he shouted. “You’re a ssstory sssnakes tell young onesss! You’re not real!”
The horror stepped towards him, each step clacking against the library’s hardwood floor, each step shouting Kaa’s doom. Kaa heard the legends. He’d heard the stories. He’d never believed them, until now. Snakes spoke its name only in whispers, as if it would appear and enslave them forever. Suddenly, Kaa knew what all of his myriad prey must have felt like as his jaws closed over them. Its shadow fell over him, surrounded by moonlight, an apparition that drove away rational thought, an eldritch abomination that nearly stopped his heart. It reached its appendages out and grabbed him by the neck. Kaa shook his head over and over, mumbling “no, no” as their eyes met. For a brief half-second, hope flared within him—he could hypnotize it!—but was smothered instantly. No--no hypnosis, no tricks would work against this thing that now had him firmly in its terrifying grasp.
Nothing could stop She Who Sucks Out Souls.
Twilight coughed and caught her breath. “Whew! Thanks, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy looked over her shoulder. “Oh, don’t mention it, Twilight. I got your message. I didn’t know you knew telepathy! Just like one of those new telephone things.” She turned back to Kaa. “As for you…” Her voice grew stern.
Kaa was crying. “Please…please…”
“What is your name?” Fluttershy demanded.
“My name…my name isss…” Kaa broke down entirely. He was going to die. “My name isss Reek.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “No, it’s not! His name is Kaa. From the book. Remember, Fluttershy? You read it and said it was too scary.”
“It wasn’t that scary,” Fluttershy replied. “I mean, it had tigers and bears in it, oh my. All that talk of eating man-cubs and things like that…everyone knows humans aren’t real.” She turned back to Kaa. “But I remember you, Kaa.”
“Don’t take my sssoul. Pleassse,” Kaa begged. “Please don’t take my sssoul through my eyesss!”
Fluttershy looked horrified. “That’s terrible! I would never do that! I’ll take you home, and we’ll straighten all of this out. I’m good at rehabilitation. You’ll like it there. But if you try to eat any of my animal friends…just one…” Her eyes flared dangerously, and Kaa saw ten thousand victims inside of them, screaming.
“I won’t. Oh, I won’t! I ssswear!”
“Great!” Fluttershy swung Kaa over her shoulder like one of Rarity’s feather wraps. “Are you sure you’re okay, Twilight?”
“Oh sure,” Twilight said, surreptitiously casting a healing spell. “We were just having a philosophical discussion about predator/prey relationships.”
“Nature is so fascinating.” Fluttershy flipped her a wave as she walked out the door. “See you later, Twilight. I need to get this one home. I want to introduce him to Discord!”
Kaa’s eyes pleaded with Twilight.
Twilight shrugged. “Don’t mess with an alicorn princess, Kaa. Especially when they’re just stalling for time.” She gave him a Sombra-like smile. “You’re not the only one who likes to play with their food.”
Author's Note
Just a quick story I knocked out tonight for grins. I was inspired by some Kaa fanart I saw, and thought this would be kinda hilarious to write. Originally Fluttershy wasn't going to be in it, but it was too good of an opportunity to miss him running into the one creature he's probably afraid of.
This story was also heavily inspired by the IDW comics, especially the Bookworm story arc. It's a great story, and yes, both Kaa and Pony Daenarys show up in one panel. As a huge Game of Thrones fan, I had to throw in a few references.
Hope you liked it!
