Super Duper Ponyville Holiday

by moviemaster8510

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random
Length: 3486

Bob Figglehorn and Stacy Keebler travel to Ponyville on vacation and teach you, the reader, on how best to enjoy your stay in the land of Equestria.

Bob Figglehorn and Stacy Keebler travel to Ponyville on vacation and teach you, the reader, on how best to enjoy your stay in the land of Equestria.
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Based on a series of videos by TVMaxwell. If you haven't subscribed to them, I'm very angry at you, because I fucking told you to do it in the last story, god dammit!!

Pre-read by the luscious, impeccable Regidar.

Published 2014-06-23 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-23 03:00:01 UTC

Dining Out

Bob and Stacy each sat on a bale of hay with their elbows on a mushroom-shaped table at the outdoor seating area of a homey café. Bob had a baby-sized bib around his neck with a cartoon lobster on the front, while Stacy fiercely gripped a carving fork and a large hunting knife and held them pointed up on the table.

With the wait becoming increasingly long, Bob and Stacy pushed their chins into their necks with pursed-lip grimaces on their faces, the extra fat forming secondary, unsightly chins. Stacy began to see red as food was still not visible upon the table, his grip on his cutlery even tighter.

At long last, a finely-dressed waiter slowly walked up with a plate of steaming hay balanced on the flat bottom of his right hoof. Seeing the look of disdain on both of the humans’ faces, he dropped the plate off and slowly backed away. Looking down, Bob and Stacy finally saw a plate of food before them. Keeping their mouths puckered and their chins held in tight, Bob smiled while biting his bottom lip, while Stacy’s smile closed and opened again as he suckered his lips up.

Both Bob and Stacy took a single straw from the plate of hay fries and slowly brought it to their mouths, nibbling off the tiniest of ends. Bob and Stacy smiled as they savored the flavor of their appetizer. Bob looked to Stacy with an approving look behind his glasses, only for his gut to heave in as a strong stream of orange vomit flew out from his mouth and all over Stacy’s face and polo.

The other ponies around them were aghast at both the sight and stench, many of them pushing their half-eaten plates away, having lost their appetites. A few of them, including a white mare with a curled purple mane, ran away from the eatery, her eyes filled with tears and her cheeks filled with vomit.

Bob fell over onto his back beside the table as Stacy retched and vomited down onto Bob’s shirt and pants. Bob continued to vomit, the bile and chunks of food rising out of his mouth and flowing down all over his face.

Stacy let out a final gag as he fainted atop Bob’s abdomen with a squish. Bob’s vomiting would not end, his puke turning bloodier with each heave in his stomach.

Swimming

Wearing an old-fashioned one-piece swimsuit, Bob flailed his arms and legs and twisted his abs in an abnormal fashion in a small lake overlooking a tiny plain. His body was chasing a frightened orange earth pony with a blonde ponytailed mane and tail as she tried to desperately paddle away as fast as her hooves could allow.

An elderly green earth mare with a white bun-tied mane and tail and a burly red earth stallion with a short orange mane and tail watched with both confusion and fright as the mare in the water was chased relentlessly.

At the center of the lake, a yellow earth filly with a red mane and tail waded about as she watched the orange mare continue to swim away from the madman. At that very second, she felt a force grab at her tail and pull her below the surface. The mare struggled to break free only to find her in the tight grip of Stacy’s arm, wearing a full scuba suit as he sat on the lake floor.

As if he were showing a child the animals on display at an aquarium, he wondrously pointed at a school of fish as it swam by. The filly pushed and heaved as hard as she could against Stacy’s chest to break free, as well as stroking her arms in a frenzy to try and swim free from the person keeping her captive.

With even more vigor, Stacy poked the filly on the chest as a turtle swam by, little pockets of air escaping from her mouth. As Stacy followed the turtle’s path with his outstretched finger, the filly’s bodily movements were about as wild as the man above her. Unable to hold her breath any longer, the filly gulped in the lake water with a final tight contraction of her muscles before her body went completely limp.

Stacy turned to observe the filly’s reaction to the marine wildlife around her, only to see her eyes lifeless and her body not moving on his.
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Stacy waddled out from the lake in a wide stance, nonchalantly going over the hill towards Ponyville much to the shock and disbelief of the elderly mare and the red stallion, their attention completely taken away from the man continuing to writhe at the orange pony, as well as the corpse of the yellow filly that had finally floated to the top of the water.

Souvenirs

A tan-coated earth stallion in a green vest, matching cap, a white shirt, and red bow tie with a short, natural-red mane and tail managed his store, straightening a small table fan among an entire shelf of table fans to have it look identical to the others. He looked upon his shop, featuring larger fans along the wall and ceiling fans up above, and sighed with contentment.

At that very moment, a wooden carriage wheel crashed through the front window, frightening the store’s owner to take cover with his arms over his head. Bob kicked the door open, shattering the wood like glass while Stacy dove in through the broken window and stood alongside his companion.

The tan pony looked up at the two humans, only to get kicked in the side of his head by Bob, disorienting him. Stacy walked over to a shelf of table lamps and groped as many as his arms could allow while Bob knelt down and repeatedly punched the stallion in the face, cracking his skull and making him bleed through his mouth and nose.

Stacy shuffled out of the stop as he looked in all directions cautiously. Bob hopped up to his feet and sprinted out of the store with his friend. After only a few seconds passing, Bob ran back in and grabbed another table lamp off a shelf and ran off, ignoring the bleeding and more-than-likely fatally-wounded pony on the floor.
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A yellow pegasus mare with long, pink hair trotted to her door, humming a merry tune as she heard a knocking on her door. Opening it up, she looked with confusion at Bob and Stacy as they stood shoulder to shoulder with each other. Before the pegasus could see the small lines of blood painted on Bob’s polo, Stacy slapped the mare unconscious before she even hit the floor.

The two stepped inside in unison, then scrambling about the room and grabbing as many trinkets and knick-knacks that they could fit in their arms, ranging from picture frames, birdhouses with birds flying fearfully out of them, vases, and rugs. A white rabbit, along with a squirrel and two mice hugged each other with moistening eyes and sad frowns as their home was viciously ransacked.

Experiencing the Culture

“Well,” instructed Bob to you with a smile beside his equally chipper partner, “nothing beats going to a new place and learning about its culture.”

“And what better way to do that than your local librayray?” Stacy stated.

Both of them motioned an arm behind them, showing a building made entirely from a tree. Unbeknownst to them, a lavender alicorn appeared on the top observatory, looking out through a telescope with fear on her face.

Resuming their lesson, Bob and Stacy turned around and began to walk towards the building, only for a large, fiery red-and-orange beam to launch itself into the library. The resulting explosion blew the entire tree to smithereens, hurling Bob and Stacy back, as well as the alicorn and a brown owl that she held in her arm.

The two human men stood up and looked upon the devastated library, their polos and plaid shorts scuffed, ripped, and dirtied. Awestricken at the tragic event, Bob and Stacy removed their sunglasses to better see the awful sight, an identical pair of glasses appearing from underneath right in their place.

Bob and Stacy turned back to the source of the beam, only to see a large black centaur-like creature with red arms and a red, beastly face. The two turned to each other and nodded, sprinting out to the creature’s location on bandy legs.
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The centaur laughed maniacally as he awaited the purple alicorn in a field. Looking back down, he saw Bob and Stacy standing before him, each of them sporting a dumb expression with their upper lips curled in disdain. The centaur looked at them with a lack of seriousness as he began to tense the muscles in his face.

Bob and Stacy looked at each other quickly before splitting up, just as the centaur thrust its head forwards and shouting as he exerted his energy, accompanied with a launching sound. While nothing looked to have happened, Bob and Stacy leapt out of the way of seemingly nothing as if a magic beam was fired right at them, despite the sound of a loud explosion that cracked the air.

Bob rolled onto one knee as he held a non-existent pistol up, aiming it at the centaur. While it was confused at its lack of producing a spell, it looked down at Stacy, whose arms were positioned so that he was holding an invisible rifle.

With a squeezing and flicking of the triggers, Bob and Stacy open fired on the creature, the sounds of the bullets firing from the muzzles in both single shots and automatic repetitions. Despite there being no bullets to be seen, the centaur shielded his body as best as he could as he was riddled with the sounds of metal piercing his flesh.

At that moment, a sound of a magical zap occurred as the centaur turned around to face the oncoming purple alicorn. With a rearing of its head, the alicorn thrust forwards, the noise of a powerful surge erupting from her horn with nothing to see coming out. The centaur shielded its face as the spell struck an invisible barrier, mixing a booming sound into the air. The centaur stepped backwards it was supposedly forced back by the strength of the alicorn’s spell.

The centaur reached out for the alicorn, who was now seemingly bound by the centaur’s magic despite her being able to fly on her own. With a twirling wind, the centaur threw its arm out, the alicorn flying beside it to follow it, soaring herself towards a mountain’s face while she screamed as if she was thrown herself.

Before the centaur could follow the alicorn, an invisible explosion struck it in the back, turning around to see Stacy squeezing the air in front of him like he was holding a rocket launcher. Bob was beside him shooting unseen rounds from an invisible assault rifle as Stacy loaded another round.

Ignoring the imperceptible pelts it had on its skin, the creature leaned its head towards Bob and opened its mouth and breathed in. Stacy immediately dropped his weapon and shoved Bob out of the centaur’s path, throwing his arms out as if his life was being drained from him by some unseen spell.

Bob screamed for Stacy as he fell limp to the ground, his sunglasses fading away from his body to reveal his shut eyes. Bob tore his glasses off his face only for another pair to appear, and he buried his hands in his face and cried. The centaur turned to Bob and prepared to drain him as well, only for it to stumble forwards for absolutely no reason as the purple alicorn encircled it.

Bob, seeing this as his only chance, ran away from their battlefield and his fallen comrade.
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Bob descended a stony flight of stairs into a canyon to a tree made of crystal with six gems embedded in its branches. Before the tree was a hexagonal crystal box with six distinct keyholes on the top sides, five of them already containing a key inside. Bob slid to his knees desperately beside the flower and flipped open an invisible laptop.

Typing in nonexistent keys as he wept in anxiousness and pressure, he wasn’t aware of six mares, a small, bipedal purple, and a brown-and-gray creature composed of parts of several different creatures descending the stairs as well. The purple alicorn, now wearing a gold amulet, the orange earth pony, a sky-blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane and tail, the yellow pegasus, the white unicorn, and a pink earth pony with a puffy pink mane and tail all looked at the human in a peculiar and uncertain fashion.

Putting in the final commands, the human pressed the invisible enter key on his invisible computer and ran around behind the tree, getting to his knees and ducking for cover. The ponies, unsure of the human’s purpose all walked up to the box by the crystal tree.
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Outside, the centaur looked up at the sky as the sound of a plane could be heard overhead, but not seen by it. Just then, the six ponies rose by an unseen force from the canyon, each of them in a supercharged state with their appearances much more flamboyant and colorful than before. Undaunted, the centaur hurled an invisible beam at the six ponies, only for neither of them to react.

As the centaur pondered its failure, a muted boom sounded out several miles from their spot, making them turn around to face it, each of their mouths dropping in absolute shock at what they saw: a clear blue sky and a flawless green plain. Despite this, the ponies and the centaur shielded their faces from the oncoming bang quickly traveling across the land.

There was no time to react; the invisible shockwave blew into the ponies and centaur, felling them like trees at its absolute might. Below, Bob shouted out loud as the canyon shook and the deafening boom from the shockwave sounded overhead. Further down the plain, Stacy was struck by the shockwave, jumping to his feet and throwing himself back onto the ground limply, lying still once again.

Once the shockwave had passed, Bob ran out from the canyon and past the unconscious ponies and centaur, making his way to his fallen friend. Upon finally getting there, Bob looked stoically upon Stacy in honor of his bravery. Bob shed one single tear from his left eye as it dripped from behind his sunglasses's lens onto Stacy’s cheek, making him twitch and wipe his face with his hand before ceasing his motion.

Bob picked Stacy up with his arms under the back of his knees and wrapped around his upper back. With the battle over, Bob made the long trip back to Ponyville, his steps slow and hard.

Conclusion

“Well,” Bob eagerly bid with a wave to you as he knelt at the town limits to Ponyville, with a still unconscious Stacy beside him, “that’s all the time we have for this episode. Me and Stacy gotta’ get back to our homes and sell some more real estate. See y’all next week!”

Bob continued smiling as he knelt down beside his dead friend, keeping his position for several seconds. As he continued gazing into you, a mint-green hoof holding a handgun aimed the barrel at Bob’s head and fired–

Intro

A uniformed doorpony stood at the lavish entrance to Ponyville’s premiere hotel, the Ponyville Hotel. The day wasn’t particularly busy, but the temperature was reasonably cool for the summer, leaving nothing for the concierge to complain about. At that very moment two large duffel bags flew in from out of nowhere and struck him in the face and abdomen, knocking him to the floor.

Walking up to the entrance doors each holding another duffel bag and a rolling suitcase were two human males, each dressed in a polo and shorts. One man was a tad muscular and had a broad face and short blonde hair. The other was a bit more slender and had short reddish-brown hair. Both of their eyes were concealed by expensive sunglasses.

“Hello!” the broad-faced man squawked to you.

“How are you?” guffawed the slender man towards you as well.

“I’m Bob Figglehorn!”

“And I’m Stacy Keebler! And we’re here to teach you…”

“…the essential principles for enjoying a vacation in the land of Equestria!”

Stacy hiked his duffel bag further up on his shoulder, loosening the zipper and causing an uzi, an M-16 assault rifle, and several handguns to slip out the bag and clatter to the floor as they continued to present their wide smiles to you. The doorpony weakly tried to stand up, reaching out for a helping hoof.

“I think my ribs are–”

His words were eternally silenced as Bob caved the doorpony's forehead in with a ball peen hammer that he grabbed out of nowhere. Bob and Stacy continued smiling, leaning their beaming faces into each other in mutual friendship, only for the two of them to push into their cheeks and jaws as hard as they could, smushing them until the other would yield.

Nature Hikes

Bob and Stacy, now in clean clothes, walked up a dirt path with trees surrounding them on both sides of the path. Stacy’s collar was flipped up so it was wrapped all the way around his neck, making it appear as if he had no chin at all.

The two took time to look at the soft sunlight through the trees or the hills and forest up ahead. Their eyes shimmered at the majesty the world had to offer them, completely entranced as any negative thought was removed from their minds.

As they continued their hike, they came across a schoolyard, the sounds of colts and fillies laughing and screaming in merriment wafting through the branches and leaves. Without a change in their expressions, Bob and Stacy marched up the path towards the red building.

The two stopped themselves at the short gate of the establishment, watching carefully at the innocence of children in progress. It was then that they both heard the cackling laughter of what sounded like bullies. Despite the odd stares of the other foals who had finally noticed them, the two stepped over the gate and towards the sounds of the bullies’ laughter.

Near the front of the school’s building, a pink filly with a purple-and-white mane and tail and a grey filly with a light-grey mane and tail pointed and laughed at a white unicorn filly with a purple-and-pink mane and an orange pegasus filly with a purple mane and tail. The latter two fillies sulked away as the former two clopped their front hooves together and slammed the sides of their rumps against each other in victory.

They then sensed the shadows of Bob and Stacy looming over them, and looking up, they saw them looking down at them with their lips puckered up and pushed out like an apes. The pink filly cocked her head to the side, confused by what their purpose was. Bob lifted his hand up and wagged his finger at the two of them. The pink pony, even more confused, squinted at Bob and sneered.
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Bob and Stacy looked up at the pink and grey filly as they were hung by their necks from a pair of nooses that were tied around a branch of a tree that grew just outside the school, their bodies swaying limply in the breeze. The other fillies scattered like cockroaches for their lives as Bob and Stacy admired their deed as if they were looking at a rare and expensive painting. Looking at each other and nodding, the two of them turned back towards their original path and towards the forest.

Resting at the Hotel

Bob and Stacy lied stiff on their backs in identical white bathrobes upon their queen-sized beds, a plethora of various items, including their fans, pictures, rugs, and birdhouses, piled up around them on the floor. The two of them stared lazily at a mirror on the opposite wall above the dresser, awaiting for it to do something. Bob grabbed a remote control from beside him and pressed a red button on the top center, only for nothing to happen.

Bob repeatedly pressed the button, mashing it faster and faster with a bead of sweat running down his face and his tongue swirling across his lips. After what felt like hundreds of tries, Bob laid his arm and the remote back on the bed beside him in defeat, resuming his uncomfortably rigid position. With an upset grimace and flailing arms, Stacy got out of the bed and picked up the remote, whipping it haphazardly at the mirror and shattering it.