Requiem for a Ponyby The PonyChaptersChapter 1VamporeA time of changesA lot of gunsMoreWar isThe real chapter 2Chapter 1Twilight Sparkle sat alone in the treebrary, eating a book. “What an interesting story” she realized as she finished the book. She looked around in loneliness as she realized that Spike had left earlier to go to Princess Celestia for a while. “I love books but I’m so alone.” Then the door knocked and it was Rainbow Dash, but Twilight didn’t know. “Who’s there” she opened the door. It was Rarity. “Twilight I made you dresses!” Rarity started putting a dress on Twilight who was shocked in horror. “Rarity what are you doing here so suddenly?” Her exclamations. “I was reading books while Spike was lonely.” “But tomorrow is the festival” said Rarity generically. “You need to get a dress.” And Rarity put another dress in Twilight before she could object it. “But no!” Twilight cut through “there is no festival!” “My life is a lie!” Rarity cried off in a huff, leaving dresses everywhere. “That was weird.” Twilights. “Everypony’s been acting weird lately. Yesterday Rainbow Dash flew into a red and came out of Ohio.” Her confusion ran further. Twilight couldn’t think about it without a lack of knowledge so she went to Octavia. “Octavia, why is everypony acting weird?” But Octavia was too busy drinking large amounts of alcohol and meth which was quite unlike her. She laughed at Twilight and slammed doors in her face. “Curses” Twiligt said and confused her way to Fluttershy who was hiding inside of Angel. “Fluttershy is afraid so she made me swallow he.” Angel talked. “You can talk!?” “I always talk but no one listens” a sad bunny. “I will listen tell me why Fluttershy is scared.” “She’s always scared also there was a monster.” “What monster?” “It was like a dragon and an octopus and other things.” “Oh no!” Twilight went home in hurry. She grabbed books and knew who what it was. It was a legend though, never to be real. She worried her way to Applejack to give warnings. “We’re all in danger!” Twilight said. “Don’t worry I have shotguns” Applejack was confident. “But it’s... I can’t say what it is or I would die.” “Don’t speak then, we will fight.” “Where did your southern go?” “It was fake. Now I will live my destiny.” And she took shotguns to find the monster. Twilight cried because she knew in her soul that she would never see dear Applejack again. “Your sister’s dead” Twilight told Big Mac. “Tread it lightly.” “Eyup.” Big Mac couldn’t find the words to fully express his sorrow at the loss of his dear sister Applejack. So he expressed himself by bucking Twilight multiple times. “I’m okay!” Twilight in a hospital “Where is Big Mac?” “He went to die with his sister” Said Princess Luna. “Twilight, Equestria is doomed. We cannot stop-“ “NO! Don’t say its name! You’ll die!?” “Candlejack?” “... What? No, not Candlejack.” Because Candlejack wasn’t real. “Stop fowl thing!” Applejack and Big Mac both warned the thing that was really evil. They fired the bullets at its tentacles but no avail. “FJKgf dnKJbf nbcx” The creature destroyed Big Mac and Applejack effortlessly and proceeded to Ponyville. “There’s no hope!” Said Berry Punch solemnly. “Cthulhu will kill us all!” And she apparated straight to hell for saying Cthulhu. “We’ll all die!” Said Lyra and Bon-Bon right before they died. “This is not over!” Appeared Luna, firing magic at Cthulhu who screamed in Cthulhian. “It’s working!” Then Luna eroded. “NO!” Twilight watched in horror as Cthulhu came straight towards her. They fired rocket missiles but they didn’t hurt Cthulhu obviously. “TWIILIGHT!” Came Rainbow Dash ridden by Pinkie Pie who had a sword. Dash flew around Cthlhu and Pinkie swang swords. They started cutting off his tentacles which made him shrink and before long he was the size and shape of a man with wings and ugly. “FINISH HIM!” Dash sonic rainboomed into Cthulhu and Pinkie sword pierced him. He died and his cult was sad and angry but Celestia killed them. “We lost many great ponies today.” Celestia says. “The brave Apple family was slaughtered after two of them attempted to stop Cthulhu, many innocent lives died, and even my own sister. “But they can live!” Twilight planned and used some magic. The spell of life formed around her horn and rose to the air, raining a purple mist down all around Ponyville. It was a thing of pure beauty that ponies live their whole lives without seeing. But it didn’t work. Another day and it was the funeral for Apples and Luna. Sadly Celestia gave eulogies and made ponies sadder. But life wasn’t over yet. Rainbow Dash flew solemnly into clouds crying her eyes because of Applejack. She never told anypony except Pinkie Pie that she loved her. “I won’t tell anyone FOREVER” pinkie said when she learned and was happy to be trusted. Rarity felt bad for Rainbow because Rarity loved Rainbow Dash because of how lively and filthy she was it was attractive to her. She never told anyone but also Pinkie Pie. Pinkie knew everypony’s secrets. Twilight sobbed in the Treebrary over Luna because she loved her since the Princess hooked them up at a bar cleverly. I know this, because Pinkie knows this. There was more to it all though. Fluttershy was involved as well, for she’s always secretly admired her. Despite Angel’s constant pressure, she never made any advances. She was always too shy. She was too shy to even tell Pinkie Pie. Yet Pinkie still managed to find out. Angel probably told her. Pinkie, on the other hand, had no secrets of her own. Her selflessness kept her away from a love life of her own. She was a pony on a mission, though no one understood quite what that mission was. Rainbow Dash sat gloomily on a hill, rain pouring down over her. She had stick a small wooden cross into a pile of rocks, to signify Applejack’s grave. There was no body there however, since there was nothing left of her. “Applejack...” Rainbow sobbed, her head down. “I swear, I shall avenge you.” “But there’s no time.” A voice’s mystery said. “She’s gone and you need to move on.” “I know Rarity” Rainbow Dash knew it. “But it’s hard and painful. I can’t live without her and Cthulhu is already dead. I killed him with my own hooves and sword.” “But Rainbow Dash I made you a dress.” And Rarity put her on the dress and Rainbow Dash smiled because it was really cool and awesome like her. “Thank you Rarity.” Rainbow dressed. There was a few moments of calm and happy but it couldn’t last long. “Twilight I’m sorry but Luna died nobally.” Spikes voices. “NO! It’s not fair, I loved her!” “You should be happy.” Probably Twilight. “Why would I be happy!” Twilight magicked Spike out the window assertively and he got mad and ran away. Twilight picked up a banjo and played her sorrow. No one knew that Twilight was so sad except for Spike and Luna but was dead. Spike went to Pinkie Pie and told her about Twilight but Pinkie swore not to tell anypony and told Spike the truth secret of how to make Twilight better. It was a cupcake. He took it to Twilight and she ate it and it gave her wishes. She wished for Luna to be back again and Luna appeared out of sci-fi. “YAY” Loved Twilight as Luna. Spike felt good but Pinkie Pie was talking to Rainbow Dash and Rarity now. They were in love but Rainbow was still sadder because of Applejack and she was lovers. So Rarity was consoling. For a while there was okay but then a ninja came. The Ninja jumped out of Rarity’s home and began to stab and slash. Before long she was dead. When her body was found everyone was upset but mostly Rainbow Dash. “Everypony I love dies!” Dash yelled flying angrily. Applejack tried to stop her but she couldn’t. Rainbow flew to an isolated cliff where she stared down over history sobbing. “I can’t go on.” She was sad. “I will die now like everyone else.” And she closed her wings and jumped from the cliff to her iminit death. “HOLD IT!” A voice yelled like Phoenix Wright as the TARDIS came with Doctor Whooves and saved Rainbow. “I’m the Doctor” He was. “I’ll show you why to live.” And he took her through time and her life and showed her how good it was but it only made her sadder. Then she went to audition for the Wonderbolts. She didn’t make it because she was too reckless said the Wonderbolts so her life meant nothing and the Doctor gave up. Rainbow flight back to the cliff for more suicide but then saw ghosts. The ghosts were Applejack and she said about Twilight’s magic muffin. “I want it!” Rainbows. Twilight polished her muffin of wishing and smiled at Luna who read a book the Kama Sutra because she was in love and was getting used to the new pony methods of intercourse if she ever wanted to do it. “Let’s do number 69” Twilights life. “Okay” Luna was okay with it but then there was Rainbow Dash who rainboomed into the library breaking a few things. Luna was reading still obliviously but Twilight was angered. “You broke a few of my things!” “I need to borrow your muffin!” But Twilight was too angry so she teleportaled the muffin to Hell. “I will go get it!” And so Twilight teleports Rainbow to Hell also. Rainbow fights through the hoards of Hell but there’s no muffin so she gets mad at Twilight and flies out of Hell but is caught by Discord who is hungry. “You are a rainbow pony” Says Discord, throwing Dash to to ground and breaking her wings. Discord slithered and wrapped around Rainbow Dash making her completely immobile. He then proceeded to stick something into every hole on her body. At that moment Twilight quickly teleports Rainbow back to the library. “I was angry so I lied, the muffin is right here” Twilight had the muffin. Rainbow took it to happiness but was intercepted by another ninja who slashed and stabbed the muffin and took it. “NO!” Rainbow everywhered. Twilight Sparkle flew after the ninja but couldn’t fly so she failed. Rainbow was better though and flew but Twilight fell and broke nine. Rainbow flew into a large rock but broke it with power and flew after the ninja who couldn’t fly and Rainbow caught it. “FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Rinbow fucked him. A broken life fell from a dripping soul as poetry flew down the sky along ways. Luna who had used her die as a fake to escape to peace watched poetries flying and singing and plants were happy like Asians. Her soul danced with her as rainbow hurricanes floated gently into green hemispheres. She was in a land of pure beauty then suddenly BOOM Rainbow Dash “BOOM!” She said as punching the ninja into Luna place. “The fuck?” Luna the fucked. As she flew away to continue to be dead but it was too late. Celestia appeared and ate the ninja then pissed off at Luna. Rainbow escaped stealthily almost but Celestia saw her and blamed her and so Luna banished her to the sun. “OUCH!” Rainbow said since it was hot there but she knew the adversity would make her stronger like Drew Brees or that other famous football player Donald Trump. Then I was on fire. I put down my computer and went to Equestria to find more things to write about and I saw Luna return from being dead and everypony was happy and horny so Ponyville orgied all the time and it was beautifully. But things were shittier in cloudsdale because Spitfire misplaced her Soarin. “Where did I put that thing?” Spitfire bitched then found him so they performed but it wasn’t there best performance also Soarin crashed into a meteor from the sun that was actually Rainbow and he died and Rainbow Dash became a shrubbery. Fire came out of Spitfire’s flamethrower as she burned every shrubbery in Cloudsdale searching for money. Burning and sun was the same that day. Chapter 2 Applejack doesn’t die because she’s already dead As the sun came up and the rain went down Applejack didn’t die so it was a good day for Rainbow who was on fire but content with her life anyway because Spitfire was laying in the burning bush to make sure she died and Rainbow Dah wanted to back to a pony and sexing but Spitfire was too Soarin. Meanwhile at the same place Spitfire got up and ate the flaming bush causing her to become fire and so she burns everyone she loves and her life is pretty bad from now on. Then Scootaloo was happy and in school doing presentations on how to give somepony wingal sex it wasn’t easy. She demonstrated on Cheerilee who approved and then they all flew to Asia where Asian people were giving each other wingal like scootaloo who was Asian. VamporeIt was mostly happy for Twilight now in Ponyville looking for another book. The mayor just had one problem “There are two many vampires destroying the city” and vampire ponies and humans vampires broke through the ceilvings to bite bloods. “RUN!” Pinkie’d as she tried to flee but a vampire bit her blood and turned her into like them. As ponies ranning they were all dead except for Twilight Rarity Luna and Trixie. “Rarity I thought you were dead!” Luna Trixie or Twilight said. “I amn’t!” She lived. “We must find the legendary vampire killer!” and they went into mountains where they found the legendary vampire killer Tim Tebow. v“I’m here now!” Tim Tebowed. He grabbed metal stakes because they are more efficient than wood and then he grabbed guns with wooden bullets for balance. He filled holy waters and went riding into Ponyville on Rainbow Dashing and threw stakes at vampires and shot bullets but there was too many. I will use secret weapons!” Tebow tooik Rainbow Dash off and Tebowed on grounds, summoning power to winn everywhere and burn vampires hearts and minds since they have no souls. “The vampires are dead.” He Tebowed. “But too quickly!” Said the last vampire who jumped uply towards Tebow like bullets, but Tebow thought mindly and threw away art the vampire who flew in peril into doom. Then Tebow heroed. “Thank you sir Tebow” All of Ponyville Tebowed in honor of Tebow who saved them lifely. Then there were no vampires. “But I can’t kill werewolves” Tebow sadly since he could only kill vampyres. “There is me though.” Drew Brees said trickily. He took silver and silvered the werewolves but there weren’t any. “Why did I here?” “Who cares but a party!” Donald Trump so now all the best football quarterbacks were together and partied but Chad Henne felt leaved out which is good because he’s bad at sports and even worse at the stock market also his family hates him and he’s worse than Fluttershy I mean really how does someone like that even make it into the NFL he’s almost as bad as Charles Manson. Then a bus hit Twilight but she was okay. “We have to figure out what happened.” Drew Brees tricked a detective. “The plot is thickening” Trixie said her first lines. “We have to find the thing.” “You’re right! We have to find life.” So they voyaged on a boat Luna Twilight Trixie Rarity Rainbow Dash Drew Brees and Tim Tebow who turned into ponies and this is where our story begins for reals. “There’s long voyages ahead” Luna became the captain. “We must be strongly to live through the perils and find it.” “Okaying.” Everyone was okay. Drew Brees threw a football at Tebow and Tebow caught it and threw it back but missed completely. “Wow I see why you suck.” Luna and Twilight decided football too and they all did group football with Tebow quarterbacking one team and Brees is other. Brees picked Twilight Rarity and Tebow picked Luna and Rainbow Dash Trixie reffed. Brees’s team won of course. “Stop!” Trxied. “This story isn’t about football, there’s a sea serpent!” And a big sea serpents attacked the boat but Luna shot magic at them and Drew Brees threw dying at them before long they were dead as Tebow Tebowed more (lol it’s a meme). “There sure is alot of Americna football in this story even though the author is frem Austria.” “it’s a lie Chad henne is the author!” Trixie broke the fifth wall. “That explains it.” One of them all sighed. No they’re on to me! I said as I ran away from my computer but I had to finish the story. “There it is the cave of life!” Twilight flew into the cave. Then Sweetie Belle. “I have an idea guys” she said in deep voices. “Let’s KILL CHAD HENNE.” It was a reference to FimFlam. Authers note: I’m not actually Chad Henne I am Austria “Back at Ponyville” twilight and Trixie got married so Luna sadly resigned from life the end. Not really because Luna walk flew sadly over Fillydelphia where was Doctor Whooves. “LUNA!” He yells. “Luna!” Luna shouted back with happily ever after. She flew over up to him and they hugglied. “I’ll never leave you!” The happiness was doubled by the band playing the band was music. Their music. It was Tim Tebow at the door Twilight checked. “Oh you’re still here?” “Yeah I haven’t home.” “I’m married now” appeared Trixie “don’t be.” “But Twilight I loved you.” Was Tebowing. “But Trixie!” “I got confidentse when I saw Drew Brees lovely Rarity, I must break this marriage!” And he threw footballs at Trixie missing everytime. Because he sucks at football but is a pretty good guy I mean rugby. “No.” The doors slammed Tebow in the left artery. Then Chad Henne apreared out of suck where he came from “ I heard you have ben talking about me” Henne fumbled but everyone lost him like he always lets everyone down But what happens? Only told by time in WEROWOLF PONY! A time of changesTim Tebow and Drew Brees lived a happy after rejection but a new life. tebow was renowned for vmapires but Brees was known for being better than Tebow. Twilight was marrying everypony but nothing could do. But before long there was a werewolf. “I know what to so” as Drew Brees punches fists into the werewolf who bleeds. “Damn hell” Says werewolfs as it pulls out a gun and shoots but Drew catches bullets and throws them into the wereosl. “NO” The wolf starts to death. “There are a lot” Rarity came from divinity and exasperized Tebow. “HOLY WHAT” Tebow thought carefully. Rarity wasn’t okay. “But what to die” Drew continued to put werewolves inside other werewolves. “RunnIN!” Rarity rand flee but Tebow couldn’t “The werewolves are holding me” his yelling. “Tebow!” Drew Brees found a football somewhere and threw it through time to kill the werewolf in the past to free Tebow. “THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE DREW BREES!” Ray Lewis was in this story now. Then Ray Lewis and Drew Brees punched werewolves into the present and killd them. “How” Was all Tebow. “With guns” Ray Lewis gave Brees machetes and they started shooting with them at the zombie werewolves. “Is everypony in this town a werewolf?” Trixie werewolfed so Brees had no choice. “Now Twilight will love me” Tebows “But no” Twilight left. “SHIT” as Tebow ate Angel in sorrow before bullets pierced his spine “Shit’s on fire yo” Ray Lewis is black. Bullets flew from fire like in the Office and B rees had to run so Ray Lewis but Tebow was already Tebow. “Fight” Came all the ponies who weren’t werewolves whichw as Rainbow Dashing and Pinki but they couldn’t fight bullets. “It’s the day’s end” Glummly Ray Lewis. “But we have to.” Brees flew. Drew Brees dropped a bombs over Ponyville killing werewolves and innocense too ut not many and a worthwhile die. The fire shot at Brees but failure “How are you flying” They all yelled. “Because I am Drew Brees” He dramatically as dropping himself into werewolf. “We must build an army!” Rainbow but Pinkie at Tebow were tebowing too much “stop” Said Rarity returning “tebowing doesn’t help” But then Celestia came and kicked all th wereolves asses. “Good job” Luna died. “But why were their wereolf?” Confusion came. “It’s nor our knowlEDGE” Celestia confronted home. “I need to know” investigated Twilight far away but she secrets missed Tebow. “Who are Drew Brees and Tim Tebow anyway?” Asked PInkie. “I think they’re American football players that the author wants sex with.” Rainbow guessed. “Oh. I guess that makes sense.” They continued doing nothing. “Twilight and Tebow journeyed to Mount Elway to find answers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees helped Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie fight for Ponyville. “What is Mount Elway?” Twilight wanted to know. “It’s a mountain named after a God. John Elway.” “There are Gods other than Luna and Celestia?” “There are many.” “Why didn’t I know this?” “Well, see, this part of the story’s actually being written by a different author, who decided to change and retcon a few things and take the story in a new direction.” “Wow! I suddenly remember! John Elway’s the God of sports. “Very good. He is my idle and boss.” (For those of you who don’t know Tim Tebow plays for the Chicago Bears. John Elway played for them too and owns them now.) “Is that why you’re here?” “Yes. I was sent from a far away planet to stop the evil Ben Roethlisberger.” “Oh okay.” “Look out!” Tebow tackled the shit out of Twilight so that the arrows missed her. “We triggered a trap.” They realized they were in Mount Elway. “We need to find Elway’s Sword. It’s the only chance we have to save Equestria.” “But why is this... Ben Cocklisberger attacking us.” “Because he hates everything womanly” “Let’s kick his ass.” Elsewhere, Drew Brees and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie led an army against the Black and Yellow menace that was attacking. Ponies wearing Black and Yellow charged at Ponyville. Brees’ forces managed to hold them off. “Who are these ponies?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Pure evil.” Drew Brees threw a grenade. “We need Elway’s sword! Hurry up Tebow!” Pinkie had high hopes. “How do you know about the sword?” Drew Brees needed to know. “Because, I know the author personally.” She smiled. “This whole story-arch was my idea.” Brees’ mind was blown. He then continued fighting. “There it is.” Tebow could see Elway’s sarcophagus across the room. It didn’t look guarded, but it was probably booby-trapped. “Let me magic away the traps.” Twilight had a good idea and used detect traps and found many, but was able to disarm them. They then proceeded across the room and pryed the coffin open. Their jaws both dropped in surprise at what they found. “NO!” Tebow jumped back, pulling Twilight away. A large, human figure sprang up in the coffin. He looked kinda like Will Farrel. And he held a sword. “Roethlisberger!” Tebow spited. “You were too late, Timothy.” Big Ben laughed. “Now I have the sword of Elway. No one can stop me now!” Tebow quickly lunged at Ben, pulling a knife from somewhere. Ben held up the sword and teleported away and Tebow hit the wall. “NO!” “What do we do now!?” Twilight panicked. “There’s nothing we CAN do.” Tebow tebowed in sorrow. He had all but given up. “You cannot give up now.” A mysterious voice came from behind Tebow. He turned slowly to see, standing before him, a middle-aged man in a suit. “But... That’s impossible.” Tebow couldn’t believe his mind. “You’re dead!” “That’s what I wanted people to think.” The man smiled. “W-who is that?” Twilight was confused. “This...” Tebow started. “Is John Elway.” Drew Brees and Rainbow Dash had a cannon they found and were still holding Roethlisberger off pretty well. Then, a lightning bolt struck behind Brees and Ben appeared. “YOU!” Drew Brees turned and stared him down. “This ends now!” Brees held out his hand and a sword materialized. He lunged at Big Ben, who deflected the attack easily. “You can’t stand up to me anymore.” Ben laughed. “I have the greatest power in the universe. No one man can stop me!” “... You’re right! I can’t fight you alone.” He turned to Rainbow Dash, then Pinkie Pie, then back to Ben. Then, he disappeared in a puff of Blue Flame. “STOP!” Twilight finally snapped. “What the hell is going on here? LIke for real.” “Allow me to explain. On Earth, in America, we have this sport called football. Now, on a football team, there is a position called the Quarterback. Nine times out of ten, the quarterback is the leader of the team. I was a quarterback. Timothy here is a quarterback. So are Drew Brees and Big Ben. Ray Lewis isn’t, he’s the one out of ten non-quarterback leaders. Now, when I was a Quarterback, I was messing around with a fellow quarterback named Archie Manning. We discovered a hidden temple and a magical tablet. When we read the tablet allowed, a curse was unleashed. The curse affected every leader of every NFL team. It wasn’t really a curse though, more of a blessing. It made all the team leaders Planeswalkers.” “What’s a planeswalker?” “A planeswalker is a being who’s able to travel between planes, or realities. Universes, if you wish. However, Ben Roethlisberger turned evil, and tried to use his power to gain total control of everything. So myself, Tim Tebow, Drew Brees, Ray Lewis, and one other all joined forces to stop him. However, we don’t mention the fifth man much. He left us long ago.” “This is too much! There’s no way the readers will accept this story!” “Too bad. Tim Tebow and Drew Brees came here a while ago because we thought Ben had fled here. It turns out we were right. It’s time for action.” Peyton Manning was standing on a hotel room balcony, depressed by his career-ending neck injury. The Colts would never win another game without him. And it was all because Drew Brees beat him in the Super Bowl. “Peyton.” Brees appeared behind him. “NO!” Peyton snapped, turning around. “I’m done with you!” “Peyton please, you have to understand.” “That game shamed me! Forever!” “But New Orleans was a struggling city. And they’d never won anything! They needed that victory!” Peyton was quiet. Deep down he knew that Brees was right. Peyton already won a Super Bowl, but that was the Saints’ first Super Bowl APPEARANCE even. “... Why are you here?” “We need your help. Big Ben’s threatening to destroy the entire plane of Equestria.” “WHAT!? No... Not Equestria...” “I need your help! He has Elway’s sword!” “I... I can’t. I’m not half the man I used to be.” “Peyton please, you’re our only hope.” “...” Peyton walked passed Brees and stepped inside his hotel room. He reached under his bed and pulled out a large suitcase. He opened it, and from inside he pulled out two daggers and a sword. He also grabbed a trenchcoat, and sheathed the daggers inside it, along with some kunai. He sheathed the sword on the outside, and looked like a total badass. “Let’s do this.” Ben Roethlisberger loomed over Pinkie and Rainbow, who screamed in terror, knowing they had no chance of survival. “This ends now!” Ben held up his sword and lightning struck it. It became glowy and blue, and therefore clearly more powerful. He swung the sword down on Pinkie and Rainbow, but something stopped it. Peyton Manning and Drew Brees appeared in front of Ben with swords, blocking his attack. They pushed him back and began lunging and slashing at Ben. Ben was able to block both of their relentless attacks, but not as easily as he’d blocked Brees alone. “This is not over!” Manning shouted dramatically. Roethlisberger kicked Peyton back and went on the offensive against Brees. Brees was barely able to block all the attacks, but Peyton threw a kunai at Ben. Ben turned and grabbed the kunai, then ate it. Brees took advantage of this moment to kick Ben, but Ben turned and grabbed Drew’s leg, and threw him to the ground. “He’s too strong...” Brees admitted. “We can’t give up yet.” Peyton remembered his brother Cooper who could never be a planeswalker due to his illness, and attacked Ben with a new found fury. Brees was inspired by the intensity and joined the fight as well. Ben realized they were over powering him, so he summoned the power of the sword to use the unrelenting force shout. “FOUS RO DAH!” He shouted and Brees and Peyton were thrown back. It was at this moment the sword awoke and Ben felt its full power pulse through him. Tebow Twilight and Ray Lewis and John Elway arrived. “NO!” Elway shouted in vain. “It’s too late! He’s unstoppable now.” “N... No...” Drew struggled to his knees and Peyton did the same thing. “P... Peyton. I... Don’t think... We can beat him...” “No... There’s... Always a way...” Peyton slowly and weakly reached into his trench coat and pulled out his secret weapon. “AHWHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA” Ben laughed evilly. “Wait... What’s that?” Peyton’s secret weapon was a gun. He shot Ben four times before he fell to the ground, dropping the sword. The clouds parted and the glowing lightning around Ben dispersed. Ben tried to crawl away but Peyton put the gun to his head. “No Peyton!” Elway grabbed his hand. “We’re better than that.” “... You’re right.” He holstered the gun. Then Rainbow and Pinkie beat Roethlisberger relentlessly. “... I guess they’re not.” He turned to Drew. “You alright?” “Yeah... I’m fine.” He got to his feet. “Our guns and magic was all useless... In the end, who would have guessed his weakness was... Bullets.” “Shocking, I know.” Peyton turned to Elway. “He’s dead... Now what?” “The realm of Equestria isn’t safe. Ben has failed, but their are many others, like Tom Brady.” Peyton cringed at the sound of Brady’s name. Him and Brady had been in many glorious battles in the past. “And Kyle Orton.” Tebow added. “But Tebow lost his power when you stole it from him.” Elway reminded Tebow who remembered. There was a celebration at the palace where Princess Celestia met with the brave heroes and Twilight. “We are in your gratitude.” “I’m not to thank.” Elway humbly admitted. “The true heroes are Drew Brees and Peyton Manning.” “We couldn’t have done it without your gift.” Peyton humbly admitted as well. Brees agreed. Tebow felt inadequate. Don’t worry Tebow, I comforted him, you’ll get your moment someday. Tebow felt happy after my kind words. But Ray Lewis was no where to be seen. “GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA” His voice was heard. “RAY!” Brees shouted, charging out of the palace. He saw a crowd of ponies in the courtyard, and in the middle, Ray Lewis lie dead, a Patriots logo carved into his chest. “DAMN YOU TOM BRADY!” Tom Brady ran along the castle walls with his high-tech sniper rifle that makes bullet holes in the design of the Patriots logo. No one had noticed had noticed him. He met with his partner who I will not name right now for suspense. “Ray Lewis is dead.” “Good.” The other being said. “I’ll gain the trust of the others. I already have.” It was mysterious. A lot of gunsThere were a lot of guns MoreRainbow ahd to punch a bullet for safety. “What is!” It was ninjas like in other but this was before. The ninja tried to throw kicks at Rainbow Dash but Rainbow was too fast and wings. She kicked the ninja in its third right face and it fell flew. “Rainbow wha t happen?” Applejack put her soul back on and came to see what went. before she could eat anything a gun came down on hr but she flew it away and didn’t care anymore. She bucked everything in the room even especially rainbow Rash Ther will be aany more soon War is“OH FUCK” Princess Celestia exploded and everyone was confused. Luna has to fly to Asia to consult with Twilight Spackle but they shot rockey missiles because Asia was aty war with Equeastria. “We have to make war” General Ranbow Dash said aloud to the army of Equestria which was really shitty. “We will march upon the shroes” They said and walked into the water and drowned. “My plan has failed “ Rambo resigned and was executred for insolence. Luna’s wings had been eblomed by the rocket missiles and Asia came to her and toook priosner so the army had to react with great speed in electing a newer general. They failed and gave up. Asia marched in Equaetstia and killed a lot of ponies abut a hero arose it was me. I am Applejack writing this story. Bang I shoot a lot of the Asian but they stab and kill me and I die so I fail to save the. Asians continue raping equartsya. I spell poorlu because I’m from souths. A pillar of hell fire suddenly came and burnt most of he Asians but the others were so confused they shot themselves. Dector Whoofs knew h had to save us so he wet and put time back together and eveyrpony was live again but no Asia. The real chapter 2“When it’s cold outside” Rainbow said solemnly. “I love you” Applejack’s grave but no body. Also the other chapters two and three never happened forget Asia. “Rainbow please” Twilight erupted. “You can’t keep moping about Applejack she died with medals.” “But I loved her GASPS everyone gasps.” Rainbow told the tale. “I know but it’s not like Luna.” She shook her face. “NO!” Rainbow bucked Twilight in the left side brains and rain away. The rain was falling and Lyra was alive again reading a bench. “How are you alive!?” Rainbow !?!??!ed. “Bon-bon lived me!” Lyra’s. “But she is dead too!” “No the wizard!” She pointed to Discord who couldn’t do anything apparently. “Help me!” No and Discord left. “No that wizard” It wasn’t Discord. “Oh hello can you help me.” The wizard Doctor Whooves agreed to use the magic. Then ninjas. “Damned ninjas” Rainbow shot MW3 at them and they ran away. “Come to Mount Big” said Doctors. “I can’t!” Rainbow couldn’t no matter how hard she tried. “Then no.” And Doctor timed away. “I’m sorry Rainbow” Lyra symperized, making out with Bon-ban. As Rainbow left she was hit by hard and fast like sex and thrown to wall. It was accindetal caused by Darpy Hooves. “DARPY!” Rainbow threw something. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I was flying too fast and I got dizzy. I really didn’t see you coming.” There was trembly in her voice as Rainbow threw more objects. “You’re useless. And Raiinbow Rainboomed away but Darpy was up to something. “I have this ancient artifact that lets me bring dead people back to life” she fell off a cliff. “What do I do Fluttershy?” Rainbow to Fluttershy in her cottage she wasn’t hiding now. “Don’t you have muffins” her soul appeared. “No I think Darpy stole them.” Back at Darpy she stole the muffins to flight but crashing. There was crash everywhere as Rainbow came back because she needs the muffin for the happy. Though it was too late because darpy ate the whole muffin and wished for wishes. “Darpy will you enjoy me?” Rainbow has to beg. “NO” Darpy wished death upon herself. “NNNOOOO” Applejack yelled because she lost her love. “Applejack you really must get over her she’s gone Cthulhu” “But it shouldn’t” Appleajck had hard confessing that Rainbow Dash was dead too long. “Pinkie we have to help Applejack” Pinkie agreed and shot Applehack with her party gun it hlped a bit. “I still miss her” Darpy. “We all miss Darpy but the story’s over” The End.
Chapter 1Twilight Sparkle sat alone in the treebrary, eating a book. “What an interesting story” she realized as she finished the book. She looked around in loneliness as she realized that Spike had left earlier to go to Princess Celestia for a while. “I love books but I’m so alone.” Then the door knocked and it was Rainbow Dash, but Twilight didn’t know. “Who’s there” she opened the door. It was Rarity. “Twilight I made you dresses!” Rarity started putting a dress on Twilight who was shocked in horror. “Rarity what are you doing here so suddenly?” Her exclamations. “I was reading books while Spike was lonely.” “But tomorrow is the festival” said Rarity generically. “You need to get a dress.” And Rarity put another dress in Twilight before she could object it. “But no!” Twilight cut through “there is no festival!” “My life is a lie!” Rarity cried off in a huff, leaving dresses everywhere. “That was weird.” Twilights. “Everypony’s been acting weird lately. Yesterday Rainbow Dash flew into a red and came out of Ohio.” Her confusion ran further. Twilight couldn’t think about it without a lack of knowledge so she went to Octavia. “Octavia, why is everypony acting weird?” But Octavia was too busy drinking large amounts of alcohol and meth which was quite unlike her. She laughed at Twilight and slammed doors in her face. “Curses” Twiligt said and confused her way to Fluttershy who was hiding inside of Angel. “Fluttershy is afraid so she made me swallow he.” Angel talked. “You can talk!?” “I always talk but no one listens” a sad bunny. “I will listen tell me why Fluttershy is scared.” “She’s always scared also there was a monster.” “What monster?” “It was like a dragon and an octopus and other things.” “Oh no!” Twilight went home in hurry. She grabbed books and knew who what it was. It was a legend though, never to be real. She worried her way to Applejack to give warnings. “We’re all in danger!” Twilight said. “Don’t worry I have shotguns” Applejack was confident. “But it’s... I can’t say what it is or I would die.” “Don’t speak then, we will fight.” “Where did your southern go?” “It was fake. Now I will live my destiny.” And she took shotguns to find the monster. Twilight cried because she knew in her soul that she would never see dear Applejack again. “Your sister’s dead” Twilight told Big Mac. “Tread it lightly.” “Eyup.” Big Mac couldn’t find the words to fully express his sorrow at the loss of his dear sister Applejack. So he expressed himself by bucking Twilight multiple times. “I’m okay!” Twilight in a hospital “Where is Big Mac?” “He went to die with his sister” Said Princess Luna. “Twilight, Equestria is doomed. We cannot stop-“ “NO! Don’t say its name! You’ll die!?” “Candlejack?” “... What? No, not Candlejack.” Because Candlejack wasn’t real. “Stop fowl thing!” Applejack and Big Mac both warned the thing that was really evil. They fired the bullets at its tentacles but no avail. “FJKgf dnKJbf nbcx” The creature destroyed Big Mac and Applejack effortlessly and proceeded to Ponyville. “There’s no hope!” Said Berry Punch solemnly. “Cthulhu will kill us all!” And she apparated straight to hell for saying Cthulhu. “We’ll all die!” Said Lyra and Bon-Bon right before they died. “This is not over!” Appeared Luna, firing magic at Cthulhu who screamed in Cthulhian. “It’s working!” Then Luna eroded. “NO!” Twilight watched in horror as Cthulhu came straight towards her. They fired rocket missiles but they didn’t hurt Cthulhu obviously. “TWIILIGHT!” Came Rainbow Dash ridden by Pinkie Pie who had a sword. Dash flew around Cthlhu and Pinkie swang swords. They started cutting off his tentacles which made him shrink and before long he was the size and shape of a man with wings and ugly. “FINISH HIM!” Dash sonic rainboomed into Cthulhu and Pinkie sword pierced him. He died and his cult was sad and angry but Celestia killed them. “We lost many great ponies today.” Celestia says. “The brave Apple family was slaughtered after two of them attempted to stop Cthulhu, many innocent lives died, and even my own sister. “But they can live!” Twilight planned and used some magic. The spell of life formed around her horn and rose to the air, raining a purple mist down all around Ponyville. It was a thing of pure beauty that ponies live their whole lives without seeing. But it didn’t work. Another day and it was the funeral for Apples and Luna. Sadly Celestia gave eulogies and made ponies sadder. But life wasn’t over yet. Rainbow Dash flew solemnly into clouds crying her eyes because of Applejack. She never told anypony except Pinkie Pie that she loved her. “I won’t tell anyone FOREVER” pinkie said when she learned and was happy to be trusted. Rarity felt bad for Rainbow because Rarity loved Rainbow Dash because of how lively and filthy she was it was attractive to her. She never told anyone but also Pinkie Pie. Pinkie knew everypony’s secrets. Twilight sobbed in the Treebrary over Luna because she loved her since the Princess hooked them up at a bar cleverly. I know this, because Pinkie knows this. There was more to it all though. Fluttershy was involved as well, for she’s always secretly admired her. Despite Angel’s constant pressure, she never made any advances. She was always too shy. She was too shy to even tell Pinkie Pie. Yet Pinkie still managed to find out. Angel probably told her. Pinkie, on the other hand, had no secrets of her own. Her selflessness kept her away from a love life of her own. She was a pony on a mission, though no one understood quite what that mission was. Rainbow Dash sat gloomily on a hill, rain pouring down over her. She had stick a small wooden cross into a pile of rocks, to signify Applejack’s grave. There was no body there however, since there was nothing left of her. “Applejack...” Rainbow sobbed, her head down. “I swear, I shall avenge you.” “But there’s no time.” A voice’s mystery said. “She’s gone and you need to move on.” “I know Rarity” Rainbow Dash knew it. “But it’s hard and painful. I can’t live without her and Cthulhu is already dead. I killed him with my own hooves and sword.” “But Rainbow Dash I made you a dress.” And Rarity put her on the dress and Rainbow Dash smiled because it was really cool and awesome like her. “Thank you Rarity.” Rainbow dressed. There was a few moments of calm and happy but it couldn’t last long. “Twilight I’m sorry but Luna died nobally.” Spikes voices. “NO! It’s not fair, I loved her!” “You should be happy.” Probably Twilight. “Why would I be happy!” Twilight magicked Spike out the window assertively and he got mad and ran away. Twilight picked up a banjo and played her sorrow. No one knew that Twilight was so sad except for Spike and Luna but was dead. Spike went to Pinkie Pie and told her about Twilight but Pinkie swore not to tell anypony and told Spike the truth secret of how to make Twilight better. It was a cupcake. He took it to Twilight and she ate it and it gave her wishes. She wished for Luna to be back again and Luna appeared out of sci-fi. “YAY” Loved Twilight as Luna. Spike felt good but Pinkie Pie was talking to Rainbow Dash and Rarity now. They were in love but Rainbow was still sadder because of Applejack and she was lovers. So Rarity was consoling. For a while there was okay but then a ninja came. The Ninja jumped out of Rarity’s home and began to stab and slash. Before long she was dead. When her body was found everyone was upset but mostly Rainbow Dash. “Everypony I love dies!” Dash yelled flying angrily. Applejack tried to stop her but she couldn’t. Rainbow flew to an isolated cliff where she stared down over history sobbing. “I can’t go on.” She was sad. “I will die now like everyone else.” And she closed her wings and jumped from the cliff to her iminit death. “HOLD IT!” A voice yelled like Phoenix Wright as the TARDIS came with Doctor Whooves and saved Rainbow. “I’m the Doctor” He was. “I’ll show you why to live.” And he took her through time and her life and showed her how good it was but it only made her sadder. Then she went to audition for the Wonderbolts. She didn’t make it because she was too reckless said the Wonderbolts so her life meant nothing and the Doctor gave up. Rainbow flight back to the cliff for more suicide but then saw ghosts. The ghosts were Applejack and she said about Twilight’s magic muffin. “I want it!” Rainbows. Twilight polished her muffin of wishing and smiled at Luna who read a book the Kama Sutra because she was in love and was getting used to the new pony methods of intercourse if she ever wanted to do it. “Let’s do number 69” Twilights life. “Okay” Luna was okay with it but then there was Rainbow Dash who rainboomed into the library breaking a few things. Luna was reading still obliviously but Twilight was angered. “You broke a few of my things!” “I need to borrow your muffin!” But Twilight was too angry so she teleportaled the muffin to Hell. “I will go get it!” And so Twilight teleports Rainbow to Hell also. Rainbow fights through the hoards of Hell but there’s no muffin so she gets mad at Twilight and flies out of Hell but is caught by Discord who is hungry. “You are a rainbow pony” Says Discord, throwing Dash to to ground and breaking her wings. Discord slithered and wrapped around Rainbow Dash making her completely immobile. He then proceeded to stick something into every hole on her body. At that moment Twilight quickly teleports Rainbow back to the library. “I was angry so I lied, the muffin is right here” Twilight had the muffin. Rainbow took it to happiness but was intercepted by another ninja who slashed and stabbed the muffin and took it. “NO!” Rainbow everywhered. Twilight Sparkle flew after the ninja but couldn’t fly so she failed. Rainbow was better though and flew but Twilight fell and broke nine. Rainbow flew into a large rock but broke it with power and flew after the ninja who couldn’t fly and Rainbow caught it. “FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Rinbow fucked him. A broken life fell from a dripping soul as poetry flew down the sky along ways. Luna who had used her die as a fake to escape to peace watched poetries flying and singing and plants were happy like Asians. Her soul danced with her as rainbow hurricanes floated gently into green hemispheres. She was in a land of pure beauty then suddenly BOOM Rainbow Dash “BOOM!” She said as punching the ninja into Luna place. “The fuck?” Luna the fucked. As she flew away to continue to be dead but it was too late. Celestia appeared and ate the ninja then pissed off at Luna. Rainbow escaped stealthily almost but Celestia saw her and blamed her and so Luna banished her to the sun. “OUCH!” Rainbow said since it was hot there but she knew the adversity would make her stronger like Drew Brees or that other famous football player Donald Trump. Then I was on fire. I put down my computer and went to Equestria to find more things to write about and I saw Luna return from being dead and everypony was happy and horny so Ponyville orgied all the time and it was beautifully. But things were shittier in cloudsdale because Spitfire misplaced her Soarin. “Where did I put that thing?” Spitfire bitched then found him so they performed but it wasn’t there best performance also Soarin crashed into a meteor from the sun that was actually Rainbow and he died and Rainbow Dash became a shrubbery. Fire came out of Spitfire’s flamethrower as she burned every shrubbery in Cloudsdale searching for money. Burning and sun was the same that day. Chapter 2 Applejack doesn’t die because she’s already dead As the sun came up and the rain went down Applejack didn’t die so it was a good day for Rainbow who was on fire but content with her life anyway because Spitfire was laying in the burning bush to make sure she died and Rainbow Dah wanted to back to a pony and sexing but Spitfire was too Soarin. Meanwhile at the same place Spitfire got up and ate the flaming bush causing her to become fire and so she burns everyone she loves and her life is pretty bad from now on. Then Scootaloo was happy and in school doing presentations on how to give somepony wingal sex it wasn’t easy. She demonstrated on Cheerilee who approved and then they all flew to Asia where Asian people were giving each other wingal like scootaloo who was Asian.
VamporeIt was mostly happy for Twilight now in Ponyville looking for another book. The mayor just had one problem “There are two many vampires destroying the city” and vampire ponies and humans vampires broke through the ceilvings to bite bloods. “RUN!” Pinkie’d as she tried to flee but a vampire bit her blood and turned her into like them. As ponies ranning they were all dead except for Twilight Rarity Luna and Trixie. “Rarity I thought you were dead!” Luna Trixie or Twilight said. “I amn’t!” She lived. “We must find the legendary vampire killer!” and they went into mountains where they found the legendary vampire killer Tim Tebow. v“I’m here now!” Tim Tebowed. He grabbed metal stakes because they are more efficient than wood and then he grabbed guns with wooden bullets for balance. He filled holy waters and went riding into Ponyville on Rainbow Dashing and threw stakes at vampires and shot bullets but there was too many. I will use secret weapons!” Tebow tooik Rainbow Dash off and Tebowed on grounds, summoning power to winn everywhere and burn vampires hearts and minds since they have no souls. “The vampires are dead.” He Tebowed. “But too quickly!” Said the last vampire who jumped uply towards Tebow like bullets, but Tebow thought mindly and threw away art the vampire who flew in peril into doom. Then Tebow heroed. “Thank you sir Tebow” All of Ponyville Tebowed in honor of Tebow who saved them lifely. Then there were no vampires. “But I can’t kill werewolves” Tebow sadly since he could only kill vampyres. “There is me though.” Drew Brees said trickily. He took silver and silvered the werewolves but there weren’t any. “Why did I here?” “Who cares but a party!” Donald Trump so now all the best football quarterbacks were together and partied but Chad Henne felt leaved out which is good because he’s bad at sports and even worse at the stock market also his family hates him and he’s worse than Fluttershy I mean really how does someone like that even make it into the NFL he’s almost as bad as Charles Manson. Then a bus hit Twilight but she was okay. “We have to figure out what happened.” Drew Brees tricked a detective. “The plot is thickening” Trixie said her first lines. “We have to find the thing.” “You’re right! We have to find life.” So they voyaged on a boat Luna Twilight Trixie Rarity Rainbow Dash Drew Brees and Tim Tebow who turned into ponies and this is where our story begins for reals. “There’s long voyages ahead” Luna became the captain. “We must be strongly to live through the perils and find it.” “Okaying.” Everyone was okay. Drew Brees threw a football at Tebow and Tebow caught it and threw it back but missed completely. “Wow I see why you suck.” Luna and Twilight decided football too and they all did group football with Tebow quarterbacking one team and Brees is other. Brees picked Twilight Rarity and Tebow picked Luna and Rainbow Dash Trixie reffed. Brees’s team won of course. “Stop!” Trxied. “This story isn’t about football, there’s a sea serpent!” And a big sea serpents attacked the boat but Luna shot magic at them and Drew Brees threw dying at them before long they were dead as Tebow Tebowed more (lol it’s a meme). “There sure is alot of Americna football in this story even though the author is frem Austria.” “it’s a lie Chad henne is the author!” Trixie broke the fifth wall. “That explains it.” One of them all sighed. No they’re on to me! I said as I ran away from my computer but I had to finish the story. “There it is the cave of life!” Twilight flew into the cave. Then Sweetie Belle. “I have an idea guys” she said in deep voices. “Let’s KILL CHAD HENNE.” It was a reference to FimFlam. Authers note: I’m not actually Chad Henne I am Austria “Back at Ponyville” twilight and Trixie got married so Luna sadly resigned from life the end. Not really because Luna walk flew sadly over Fillydelphia where was Doctor Whooves. “LUNA!” He yells. “Luna!” Luna shouted back with happily ever after. She flew over up to him and they hugglied. “I’ll never leave you!” The happiness was doubled by the band playing the band was music. Their music. It was Tim Tebow at the door Twilight checked. “Oh you’re still here?” “Yeah I haven’t home.” “I’m married now” appeared Trixie “don’t be.” “But Twilight I loved you.” Was Tebowing. “But Trixie!” “I got confidentse when I saw Drew Brees lovely Rarity, I must break this marriage!” And he threw footballs at Trixie missing everytime. Because he sucks at football but is a pretty good guy I mean rugby. “No.” The doors slammed Tebow in the left artery. Then Chad Henne apreared out of suck where he came from “ I heard you have ben talking about me” Henne fumbled but everyone lost him like he always lets everyone down But what happens? Only told by time in WEROWOLF PONY!
A time of changesTim Tebow and Drew Brees lived a happy after rejection but a new life. tebow was renowned for vmapires but Brees was known for being better than Tebow. Twilight was marrying everypony but nothing could do. But before long there was a werewolf. “I know what to so” as Drew Brees punches fists into the werewolf who bleeds. “Damn hell” Says werewolfs as it pulls out a gun and shoots but Drew catches bullets and throws them into the wereosl. “NO” The wolf starts to death. “There are a lot” Rarity came from divinity and exasperized Tebow. “HOLY WHAT” Tebow thought carefully. Rarity wasn’t okay. “But what to die” Drew continued to put werewolves inside other werewolves. “RunnIN!” Rarity rand flee but Tebow couldn’t “The werewolves are holding me” his yelling. “Tebow!” Drew Brees found a football somewhere and threw it through time to kill the werewolf in the past to free Tebow. “THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE DREW BREES!” Ray Lewis was in this story now. Then Ray Lewis and Drew Brees punched werewolves into the present and killd them. “How” Was all Tebow. “With guns” Ray Lewis gave Brees machetes and they started shooting with them at the zombie werewolves. “Is everypony in this town a werewolf?” Trixie werewolfed so Brees had no choice. “Now Twilight will love me” Tebows “But no” Twilight left. “SHIT” as Tebow ate Angel in sorrow before bullets pierced his spine “Shit’s on fire yo” Ray Lewis is black. Bullets flew from fire like in the Office and B rees had to run so Ray Lewis but Tebow was already Tebow. “Fight” Came all the ponies who weren’t werewolves whichw as Rainbow Dashing and Pinki but they couldn’t fight bullets. “It’s the day’s end” Glummly Ray Lewis. “But we have to.” Brees flew. Drew Brees dropped a bombs over Ponyville killing werewolves and innocense too ut not many and a worthwhile die. The fire shot at Brees but failure “How are you flying” They all yelled. “Because I am Drew Brees” He dramatically as dropping himself into werewolf. “We must build an army!” Rainbow but Pinkie at Tebow were tebowing too much “stop” Said Rarity returning “tebowing doesn’t help” But then Celestia came and kicked all th wereolves asses. “Good job” Luna died. “But why were their wereolf?” Confusion came. “It’s nor our knowlEDGE” Celestia confronted home. “I need to know” investigated Twilight far away but she secrets missed Tebow. “Who are Drew Brees and Tim Tebow anyway?” Asked PInkie. “I think they’re American football players that the author wants sex with.” Rainbow guessed. “Oh. I guess that makes sense.” They continued doing nothing. “Twilight and Tebow journeyed to Mount Elway to find answers. Meanwhile, Drew Brees helped Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie fight for Ponyville. “What is Mount Elway?” Twilight wanted to know. “It’s a mountain named after a God. John Elway.” “There are Gods other than Luna and Celestia?” “There are many.” “Why didn’t I know this?” “Well, see, this part of the story’s actually being written by a different author, who decided to change and retcon a few things and take the story in a new direction.” “Wow! I suddenly remember! John Elway’s the God of sports. “Very good. He is my idle and boss.” (For those of you who don’t know Tim Tebow plays for the Chicago Bears. John Elway played for them too and owns them now.) “Is that why you’re here?” “Yes. I was sent from a far away planet to stop the evil Ben Roethlisberger.” “Oh okay.” “Look out!” Tebow tackled the shit out of Twilight so that the arrows missed her. “We triggered a trap.” They realized they were in Mount Elway. “We need to find Elway’s Sword. It’s the only chance we have to save Equestria.” “But why is this... Ben Cocklisberger attacking us.” “Because he hates everything womanly” “Let’s kick his ass.” Elsewhere, Drew Brees and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie led an army against the Black and Yellow menace that was attacking. Ponies wearing Black and Yellow charged at Ponyville. Brees’ forces managed to hold them off. “Who are these ponies?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Pure evil.” Drew Brees threw a grenade. “We need Elway’s sword! Hurry up Tebow!” Pinkie had high hopes. “How do you know about the sword?” Drew Brees needed to know. “Because, I know the author personally.” She smiled. “This whole story-arch was my idea.” Brees’ mind was blown. He then continued fighting. “There it is.” Tebow could see Elway’s sarcophagus across the room. It didn’t look guarded, but it was probably booby-trapped. “Let me magic away the traps.” Twilight had a good idea and used detect traps and found many, but was able to disarm them. They then proceeded across the room and pryed the coffin open. Their jaws both dropped in surprise at what they found. “NO!” Tebow jumped back, pulling Twilight away. A large, human figure sprang up in the coffin. He looked kinda like Will Farrel. And he held a sword. “Roethlisberger!” Tebow spited. “You were too late, Timothy.” Big Ben laughed. “Now I have the sword of Elway. No one can stop me now!” Tebow quickly lunged at Ben, pulling a knife from somewhere. Ben held up the sword and teleported away and Tebow hit the wall. “NO!” “What do we do now!?” Twilight panicked. “There’s nothing we CAN do.” Tebow tebowed in sorrow. He had all but given up. “You cannot give up now.” A mysterious voice came from behind Tebow. He turned slowly to see, standing before him, a middle-aged man in a suit. “But... That’s impossible.” Tebow couldn’t believe his mind. “You’re dead!” “That’s what I wanted people to think.” The man smiled. “W-who is that?” Twilight was confused. “This...” Tebow started. “Is John Elway.” Drew Brees and Rainbow Dash had a cannon they found and were still holding Roethlisberger off pretty well. Then, a lightning bolt struck behind Brees and Ben appeared. “YOU!” Drew Brees turned and stared him down. “This ends now!” Brees held out his hand and a sword materialized. He lunged at Big Ben, who deflected the attack easily. “You can’t stand up to me anymore.” Ben laughed. “I have the greatest power in the universe. No one man can stop me!” “... You’re right! I can’t fight you alone.” He turned to Rainbow Dash, then Pinkie Pie, then back to Ben. Then, he disappeared in a puff of Blue Flame. “STOP!” Twilight finally snapped. “What the hell is going on here? LIke for real.” “Allow me to explain. On Earth, in America, we have this sport called football. Now, on a football team, there is a position called the Quarterback. Nine times out of ten, the quarterback is the leader of the team. I was a quarterback. Timothy here is a quarterback. So are Drew Brees and Big Ben. Ray Lewis isn’t, he’s the one out of ten non-quarterback leaders. Now, when I was a Quarterback, I was messing around with a fellow quarterback named Archie Manning. We discovered a hidden temple and a magical tablet. When we read the tablet allowed, a curse was unleashed. The curse affected every leader of every NFL team. It wasn’t really a curse though, more of a blessing. It made all the team leaders Planeswalkers.” “What’s a planeswalker?” “A planeswalker is a being who’s able to travel between planes, or realities. Universes, if you wish. However, Ben Roethlisberger turned evil, and tried to use his power to gain total control of everything. So myself, Tim Tebow, Drew Brees, Ray Lewis, and one other all joined forces to stop him. However, we don’t mention the fifth man much. He left us long ago.” “This is too much! There’s no way the readers will accept this story!” “Too bad. Tim Tebow and Drew Brees came here a while ago because we thought Ben had fled here. It turns out we were right. It’s time for action.” Peyton Manning was standing on a hotel room balcony, depressed by his career-ending neck injury. The Colts would never win another game without him. And it was all because Drew Brees beat him in the Super Bowl. “Peyton.” Brees appeared behind him. “NO!” Peyton snapped, turning around. “I’m done with you!” “Peyton please, you have to understand.” “That game shamed me! Forever!” “But New Orleans was a struggling city. And they’d never won anything! They needed that victory!” Peyton was quiet. Deep down he knew that Brees was right. Peyton already won a Super Bowl, but that was the Saints’ first Super Bowl APPEARANCE even. “... Why are you here?” “We need your help. Big Ben’s threatening to destroy the entire plane of Equestria.” “WHAT!? No... Not Equestria...” “I need your help! He has Elway’s sword!” “I... I can’t. I’m not half the man I used to be.” “Peyton please, you’re our only hope.” “...” Peyton walked passed Brees and stepped inside his hotel room. He reached under his bed and pulled out a large suitcase. He opened it, and from inside he pulled out two daggers and a sword. He also grabbed a trenchcoat, and sheathed the daggers inside it, along with some kunai. He sheathed the sword on the outside, and looked like a total badass. “Let’s do this.” Ben Roethlisberger loomed over Pinkie and Rainbow, who screamed in terror, knowing they had no chance of survival. “This ends now!” Ben held up his sword and lightning struck it. It became glowy and blue, and therefore clearly more powerful. He swung the sword down on Pinkie and Rainbow, but something stopped it. Peyton Manning and Drew Brees appeared in front of Ben with swords, blocking his attack. They pushed him back and began lunging and slashing at Ben. Ben was able to block both of their relentless attacks, but not as easily as he’d blocked Brees alone. “This is not over!” Manning shouted dramatically. Roethlisberger kicked Peyton back and went on the offensive against Brees. Brees was barely able to block all the attacks, but Peyton threw a kunai at Ben. Ben turned and grabbed the kunai, then ate it. Brees took advantage of this moment to kick Ben, but Ben turned and grabbed Drew’s leg, and threw him to the ground. “He’s too strong...” Brees admitted. “We can’t give up yet.” Peyton remembered his brother Cooper who could never be a planeswalker due to his illness, and attacked Ben with a new found fury. Brees was inspired by the intensity and joined the fight as well. Ben realized they were over powering him, so he summoned the power of the sword to use the unrelenting force shout. “FOUS RO DAH!” He shouted and Brees and Peyton were thrown back. It was at this moment the sword awoke and Ben felt its full power pulse through him. Tebow Twilight and Ray Lewis and John Elway arrived. “NO!” Elway shouted in vain. “It’s too late! He’s unstoppable now.” “N... No...” Drew struggled to his knees and Peyton did the same thing. “P... Peyton. I... Don’t think... We can beat him...” “No... There’s... Always a way...” Peyton slowly and weakly reached into his trench coat and pulled out his secret weapon. “AHWHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA” Ben laughed evilly. “Wait... What’s that?” Peyton’s secret weapon was a gun. He shot Ben four times before he fell to the ground, dropping the sword. The clouds parted and the glowing lightning around Ben dispersed. Ben tried to crawl away but Peyton put the gun to his head. “No Peyton!” Elway grabbed his hand. “We’re better than that.” “... You’re right.” He holstered the gun. Then Rainbow and Pinkie beat Roethlisberger relentlessly. “... I guess they’re not.” He turned to Drew. “You alright?” “Yeah... I’m fine.” He got to his feet. “Our guns and magic was all useless... In the end, who would have guessed his weakness was... Bullets.” “Shocking, I know.” Peyton turned to Elway. “He’s dead... Now what?” “The realm of Equestria isn’t safe. Ben has failed, but their are many others, like Tom Brady.” Peyton cringed at the sound of Brady’s name. Him and Brady had been in many glorious battles in the past. “And Kyle Orton.” Tebow added. “But Tebow lost his power when you stole it from him.” Elway reminded Tebow who remembered. There was a celebration at the palace where Princess Celestia met with the brave heroes and Twilight. “We are in your gratitude.” “I’m not to thank.” Elway humbly admitted. “The true heroes are Drew Brees and Peyton Manning.” “We couldn’t have done it without your gift.” Peyton humbly admitted as well. Brees agreed. Tebow felt inadequate. Don’t worry Tebow, I comforted him, you’ll get your moment someday. Tebow felt happy after my kind words. But Ray Lewis was no where to be seen. “GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA” His voice was heard. “RAY!” Brees shouted, charging out of the palace. He saw a crowd of ponies in the courtyard, and in the middle, Ray Lewis lie dead, a Patriots logo carved into his chest. “DAMN YOU TOM BRADY!” Tom Brady ran along the castle walls with his high-tech sniper rifle that makes bullet holes in the design of the Patriots logo. No one had noticed had noticed him. He met with his partner who I will not name right now for suspense. “Ray Lewis is dead.” “Good.” The other being said. “I’ll gain the trust of the others. I already have.” It was mysterious.
MoreRainbow ahd to punch a bullet for safety. “What is!” It was ninjas like in other but this was before. The ninja tried to throw kicks at Rainbow Dash but Rainbow was too fast and wings. She kicked the ninja in its third right face and it fell flew. “Rainbow wha t happen?” Applejack put her soul back on and came to see what went. before she could eat anything a gun came down on hr but she flew it away and didn’t care anymore. She bucked everything in the room even especially rainbow Rash Ther will be aany more soon
War is“OH FUCK” Princess Celestia exploded and everyone was confused. Luna has to fly to Asia to consult with Twilight Spackle but they shot rockey missiles because Asia was aty war with Equeastria. “We have to make war” General Ranbow Dash said aloud to the army of Equestria which was really shitty. “We will march upon the shroes” They said and walked into the water and drowned. “My plan has failed “ Rambo resigned and was executred for insolence. Luna’s wings had been eblomed by the rocket missiles and Asia came to her and toook priosner so the army had to react with great speed in electing a newer general. They failed and gave up. Asia marched in Equaetstia and killed a lot of ponies abut a hero arose it was me. I am Applejack writing this story. Bang I shoot a lot of the Asian but they stab and kill me and I die so I fail to save the. Asians continue raping equartsya. I spell poorlu because I’m from souths. A pillar of hell fire suddenly came and burnt most of he Asians but the others were so confused they shot themselves. Dector Whoofs knew h had to save us so he wet and put time back together and eveyrpony was live again but no Asia.
The real chapter 2“When it’s cold outside” Rainbow said solemnly. “I love you” Applejack’s grave but no body. Also the other chapters two and three never happened forget Asia. “Rainbow please” Twilight erupted. “You can’t keep moping about Applejack she died with medals.” “But I loved her GASPS everyone gasps.” Rainbow told the tale. “I know but it’s not like Luna.” She shook her face. “NO!” Rainbow bucked Twilight in the left side brains and rain away. The rain was falling and Lyra was alive again reading a bench. “How are you alive!?” Rainbow !?!??!ed. “Bon-bon lived me!” Lyra’s. “But she is dead too!” “No the wizard!” She pointed to Discord who couldn’t do anything apparently. “Help me!” No and Discord left. “No that wizard” It wasn’t Discord. “Oh hello can you help me.” The wizard Doctor Whooves agreed to use the magic. Then ninjas. “Damned ninjas” Rainbow shot MW3 at them and they ran away. “Come to Mount Big” said Doctors. “I can’t!” Rainbow couldn’t no matter how hard she tried. “Then no.” And Doctor timed away. “I’m sorry Rainbow” Lyra symperized, making out with Bon-ban. As Rainbow left she was hit by hard and fast like sex and thrown to wall. It was accindetal caused by Darpy Hooves. “DARPY!” Rainbow threw something. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I was flying too fast and I got dizzy. I really didn’t see you coming.” There was trembly in her voice as Rainbow threw more objects. “You’re useless. And Raiinbow Rainboomed away but Darpy was up to something. “I have this ancient artifact that lets me bring dead people back to life” she fell off a cliff. “What do I do Fluttershy?” Rainbow to Fluttershy in her cottage she wasn’t hiding now. “Don’t you have muffins” her soul appeared. “No I think Darpy stole them.” Back at Darpy she stole the muffins to flight but crashing. There was crash everywhere as Rainbow came back because she needs the muffin for the happy. Though it was too late because darpy ate the whole muffin and wished for wishes. “Darpy will you enjoy me?” Rainbow has to beg. “NO” Darpy wished death upon herself. “NNNOOOO” Applejack yelled because she lost her love. “Applejack you really must get over her she’s gone Cthulhu” “But it shouldn’t” Appleajck had hard confessing that Rainbow Dash was dead too long. “Pinkie we have to help Applejack” Pinkie agreed and shot Applehack with her party gun it hlped a bit. “I still miss her” Darpy. “We all miss Darpy but the story’s over” The End.
