silent void

the funeral was not helping my 'recovery'.

i dont care how much doctor neurosis was convinced it would help me to 'come to terms' or 'move on', it wasnt working. what kind of name is neurosis anyway.

and now here she is, in front of me. she looked... peaceful, i guess. this is not helping at all. everyone always makes it out like remembering the good times helps you move on but i am just thinking about how i would never see her again. my mother, the kindest woman this side of the new cloudsdale empire is dead and there is nothing i could ever do or say that can change that. all that life, all that joy and optimism just... gone.

oh no im pondering the fragility of life. this is never a good thing.

"terra, are you ok." a voice said from behind me as a hoof was laid gently on my shoulder. i looked up to see the empathetic face of my father, a well dresses stallion with a light grey coat and well arranged white hair. this was the first time he had been this nice to me in a while and i began to doubt how genuine he was. a cold breeze blows through the room and i realise that i am crying. for some reason the realisation that i am crying makes me burst into tears. i bury my head in my fathers chest, he puts a foreleg around me soothingly but this only succeeds in making me wonder how genuine he is. ever since i decided to take a job in being a terraformation planner he has decided that i am below him. apparently expanding the outreach of our species is less suited to me than a job in politics like him. i just dont know how he can sit around dome meeting table and talk about asbos and things all day. all i have to do is say; 'put air there, turn that sand to grass, put some trees there' and draw some diagrams and i get the rest of the day off.

i pull away from him and let him pay his respects. walking back to the pews i see the empty seat next to my daughter. my mother suggested the name firma and i liked it, she didnt know her as well as i wanted and looked as though she thought she wasnt sad enough but met me with an empathetic look none the less. in my current mood i think the first thing that happened was that i felt angry. why was she sorry for me i'm not the one dead. i didnt loose a wife or a sister. i only lost... well, it was the woman who raised me but you see my point.

for the rest of the funeral me and firma just wanted to get out of there and continue our lives as they were. she even started to fidget around towards the end.

as it turned out the next day i discovered that my father was, in fact, faking his empathy. frankly i didnt care. i just wanted to get back to work and try to forget the unforgettable. my boss offered me a holiday but i told hima that that was a ridiculous idea. how am i meant to get over it if i cant forget it. he didnt argue... much.

besides, i had an important week ahead. i had to go and talk to the mining ship e.c.s. (equestrian cultivative starship) ishimura. some japonese word, i dont know. it was one of our terraforming ships that had gone rogue and decided to go mining for something or other. i didnt really care right now. i aprihensively got aboard the transit ship. i was worried about leaving firma alone with my father but i really had no choice. the ship was small, consisting of a flight deck, sleeping quaters and kitchen. celestia help me if i have to stay here longer than a day.

a voice screached onto the speakers, spraying feedback everywhere; "please prepare for our five day trip to the planet of tail volantis." how wonderful.

i am thrust forewards by a push from my back, hard. a growling yet cheery voice says from behind me; "hey there newcomer, you in for this here expedition." i didnt say anything to the rig-clad stallion. why did he have the full suit? he was in new canterlot, the worst that could happen is that he be crushed by someones ego. my rig only covered the one side of me like any sane pony would have it. how do you even pee in those suits?

disgruntled by the stallion i move towards the place that i assumed was the quaters. and that term applied quite literally as the only places to sleep were two bunk beds. one of which already had stuff all over it. i threw my bag onto the top bunk of the second bed and pulled myself up behind it. "HEY, looks like we're bunkmates!" i swear. if this idiot talks to me one more time...

the entire ship seems to shake as the stallion throws his metal covered body onto the bed under mine. ugh, looks like this is the order of the week.