It's a BOY!!! Wait, never mind, It's just a FiMFic.
So to those of whom, don't know, Im not new to the FanFic world, just the FiMFic one! This is my first attempt at making a Pony story, so please forgive any inconsistencies. I'm gonna try to keep everyone AWAY from the OoC bounds, but lets face it: A good comedy requires at least 60-70 percent of the characters and viewers to go/be crazy. Lastly, All pics are NOT my own, Seeing as how I cant draw for shit myself, LOLZ! So credit for all images goes to their respective creators. That about wraps up this A/N, so read and review/comment (Still haven't figured it all out quite yet) And let me know what you think! And without further distraction, I give you: FT4W: a RPG Story!!! (Fuck The Fourth Wall: a Ridiculous Pony Game Story)
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“Rolll the diiiiiice....” A shadowy voice croaked to the silence.
“Huh...? W-wait, what? What Dice?” [A small, purple figure asked to the blackness... he was still trying to get his bearings, the last thing he remembered-]
“I SAID ROLL THE DAMN DICE!!!”
“Waaaah!” [-like I was saying, the last thing he remembered was-]
“Seriously? I said it twice, and you're STILL rambling on about the back story?”
“W-wait, what are you TALKING about?” [-was going into Twilight's basement in her new castle to take inventory! There! I finished, Happy now?!]
“Yes.” The shadowy voice smiled... [er-, well I mean, we ASSUME its smiling, I did say it was all black earlier-] “SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!! SPIKE, ROLL THE DAMN DICE!!!”
“OK OK! I'm rolling the dice, Jeez!” [The small dragonling, more than likely too young to be playing this game, let ALONE in an M rated story-] “Cut the crap man! You're gonna get him to yell again!” [… sorry...] the small dragon rolled the dice... that seemingly appeared out of nowhere... and disappeared into nowhere.
“Ah, yes, good good...” [The big ugly, overbearing voice-] “Are we REALLY gonna do this RIGHT now?!” [… no.] “THANK you! LIKE I was SAYING. This is all perfect! Sir-Spike, you are a Noble Knight! Exceptional with a broad sword, fairly well versed in many other kinds of bladed weaponry. Your roll merits a size bonus! You are now 4”7' (4 foot 7 inches) and start with medium armor, a broad sword of fair quality, and the best of your rolls: An invincible shield!”
“Um.... yay? I think? I mean, what good does any of that-”
“BUT BE WARNED!!! Although the shield is invincible, YOU are NOT. If you are hit by a juggernaut with a battle hammer, your shield will remain unharmed, however, you WILL be thrown back just the same as if he had hit you unshielded.”
“... soooo.... its pretty much useless...”
“W-What? I said no such thing! You twist my words with your foul tongue!”
“Naaah nah nah, see, you just told me it will act as if I'm unshielded. Then why even bother? I mean-”
“SILENCE!!! I'll give a better example then... if you block a sword, it will never break. If you are shot, it will never break, however if the attack has enough force to throw you back, it doesn't stop the force, just the penetration.” [The shadowy voice quickly covered up its previous horrible example-] “Hey! Stop that!”
“Ssssoooooo....” She small dragon spoke again, “Its basically just acts like a normal Shield... but it cant be damaged?”
“W-well, I didn't say it couldn't-”
“A-hem, I do believe you said invincible? As in: Unbreakable? Unscratchable? Undestroyable? un-”
“OK OK! I GET IT! Jeez... you know what, just for the attitude, I'm making your armor a color that goes terrible with your scales!” [The big bully of a voice shot back at the poor defenseless child of a dragon, the shame on his name is so great, that-] “SHUT UP! Now I'm gonna make it even MORE clashing!”
“Wait, WHAT?!”
“Next roller!!!”
“And again I say: Wait WHAT?!” The little dragon shouted as he faded into the darkness...
–---------------------------------------------------
“Rolll the diiiiceceee....” [The pompous, big headed, half brain-dead-] “Oh for the love of-!”
“Ooookay then... clearly you two have some issues here sooo I guess I'll just be leaving here... where exactly is here? I came down here to look for spike and then... well then all this happened...”
“Oh... my... Celestia... She just took your job bro.” [I KNOW THAT!!! you don't have to rub it in! Jeez...]
“Um... right here you know...” [I KNOW!!! Sheesh... just roll the dice already.]
“OK, now you're stealing my job man!” [Sorry... just got a little carried away there.] “Yeah, no shit”
Crackling noises interrupted the argument... “Hmm... not a bad roll if I do say so myself. Lot of high numbers.”
“Ooooohhh, bad luck princess! You rolled up as a secondary character to the story!”
“WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!” [Yeah, shes mad bro.]
“Yup, you're a healing mage with minor healing abilities, minimal offensive and defensive capabilities, and a semi skimpy outfit.”
“But HOW?! I mean, I rolled all high!” [Ohhh here it comes.]
“Yeah, babes, see that's not how these rolls work. Each number represents a certain skill, ability, or trait. Going numerically, 6 is the last, and therefor the worst off all the skill sets.” [He puts way too much time into this shit.]
“Oh really... then show me the chart!”
“What? NO!”
“Then how do I know you’re not just making all this up as you go?!” [Huh... she has a point there-]
“SILENCE!!! NEXT ROLLER!!!”
“What?! But- AAAAHHHhhhhhh!” as Twilight fades off into the distance... [By the way, there is no next roller.]
“Wait what? But- AAAAHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!” as the big scary voice fades into the distance... [MAN I love my job!!!]
“uhg.... gnuuuunhg... what.... what happened...?” [Spike said, finally coming out of his sleep.] “And who the hell ARE you? I mean, you're like some... disembodied story voice or something.” [Wow... that... that was actually right on the money... yeah, I'll be here through pretty much the entire story.] “What about that other voice?” [Oh him? He's gone. That was Intro voice. I'm the actual story voice.] “Oh... well... Okay then. I guess that isn't SO bad-”
“Oh Spike! Thank goodness you’re ok!!!”
“WAAAAAHHHH!!!! Twilight!!! You're hot?!”
“W-Exactly what is THAT supposed to mean?!” [Twilight, having clearly not looked in a mirror yet,-] “Who the hell are YOU?!”
“He's the narrator, not the dickish one, the cool one... wait, why did I say that?” [Cause I told you to.] “Sooo... you could make us do ANYTHING you wanted to?” [Well... yes, but this is YOUR story and -to a lesser extent- Twilight's.] “Uhuh... so now what-” As twilight looked in the mirror.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh!!! I'm a SLUT!!! I'm hideous! Horrible! Despicable! I'd NEVER be allowed into a library like this!!!” [Well... I think it doesn't look to bad.] “YOU DON'T COUNT PERVERT! OOOW!!! Why did I just slap myself?!” [No reason. No reason at all.]
“Well... to be fair... it really is cute Twi...”
“THATS NOT HELPING!!!” [Yeah she's still pissed.] “YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE I'M PISSED!!!”
“Um... Twi?” [Said the not so small purple dragon.] “Wait, not so small? Since when?” [You were about to say something?] “Oh! Right! Twi, how is this slutty, I mean, usually you don't wear ANYTHING, so how is this any worse?”
[There was an awkward silence as-] “SHUT UP ALREADY!!! Ok, ok, think... think... think... you're of course right Spike... but still... … … Ok, now to bring up a few key topics... what the hell are these?” [She flexes her HANDS as she asks this at the roof, for some reason or another.] “Wait, so you’re not upwards? I can just ask looking anywhere?” [Yes.] “And these are hands? How do they work?” More or less the same as Spikes claws. Ask him.] “Oh well aren't you helpful.” [Twilight said as her clothes slowly started to disappear-] “I TAKE IT BACK!!! Seriously, this ISN'T funny!” [As her clothes reappear, as if by some unexplainable narrator magic.] “... Well that was about as subtle as a Shotgun...” [Ok, That was funny, so Ill let it slide!]
“So... what do I look like now?” spike turned, and his feet miraculously were touching the ground before he hopped off the bed! “Holy Shit! I'm tall!!!”
“That's... a really short bed Spike...”
“Twilight... Let me have my moment, ok? Thank you.” [Spike stands up and feels heavy, not the heavy that comes after a too deep sleep, or too full stomach, but that of 'what the hell am I wearing?] “Ok, that was so vague it actually hurt. I'm just gonna look in the mirror now.” O-oh. Well fine then... do my job for me I guess...]
“W-wow spike... that's... that's uhhh... … ...” [Twilight blushed profusely-] “SHUT THE HELL UP!!!”
Spike stood in front of the mirror... and what he saw was NOT the dragonling he remembered...
“Whoa... … … I'm... I'm... I'm-" [A GOOFY GOOBER!!!] “NO! I'm AWESOME!!! This is SO crazy, I actually look pretty bad ass!!!” [Well you know… same thing if you think about it...] “No. Just no. Don't even try.”
“Ok spike, stop tormenting the narrator voice.” [Twilight Leveled up: Learned -Heal +1-] “W-wait what? Um... ok? Thanks? Anyways, spike, we need to get our bearings now. I don't like not knowing where we are.” As Twilight looked around, she saw a pamphlet laying on the night stand between their beds. “Well that was convenient...” She picked the pamphlet up and started to read: “You have been locked in this room with a limited amount of oxygen and only a few clues to find the key-” [WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! wait a second! That is SO the wrong pamphlet!] “Wait, what?” as the pamphlet disappeared, they could both hear a shuffling noise- [Ahah! Here it is!] a new paper lay on the desk for the purple shaded woman to read. “... Seriously?” [Yes.] “Sigh, well alright. Lets see... One room: 50 bits/night, Alcohol: 3 bits/cup (total 18 bits), Dinner for 2: 15 Bits. Thank you for staying at the 'Light Wallet Inn'... … … I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!!!” [But as Twilight read the fine print-] “Paid in full up front... … … Ok, NOW you're just making shit up as you go.” [You got a problem with that?] “Nope. Not even gonna protest it.” [Good.] “But... I do have ONE question... why did we have ANY kind of Alcohol?” [Uh... ... ... Convenient plot device?] “... Now that was just cheap. But I must say, quite effective.”
“So when do we eat again? I’m starving.” [Holy Celestia kid! You should be hung over off your ass! You had 5 pints of beer!!! ]
“He WHAT?!?!?!” [Yeeaaaah... you're a light weight when it comes to the booze... you had one, puked 3 times, and passed out. He had a jolly good time chugging 5, Carrying your purple ass back here to your room, then knocked out on his own.] “BUT HE'S A BABY!!!” [WOMAN, have you LOOKED at him lately? I mean, not even 5 minutes ago you were blushing at him-] “OK OK I GET IT!!!”
“So... now what? Food?” [Drop it kid.] “Food?” [I said-] “AND I SAID FOOD!!!” [Ok, Ok! Jeez, don’t bite the narrators head off man...]
“Spike, I know you're a growing... er, grown, dragon-” [Blushing.] “Stop that. I know you’re hungry, but after last night I’m not even sure we'll have enough for breakfast...” [Oh shit... I didn’t even think about that one!] “Yeah, thanks a bunch Mr. … uh... Mr … What do we even call you anyways?” [Ummm... … … Ill get back to you on that one... Hey look! Spike found a bag of gold under the bed!] “Say what now?”
“Awesome! Lets see... 20 Bits! That’s PLENTY for some grub, right?” The dragon jingled the bag happily, thinking about the delicious, delicate, TENDER meat that was at this very moment being served with breakfast- “DUDE! You’re making it worse!” [Sorry.]
“Uh, Spike? What were you doing looking under the bed in the first place?”
A long silence... “Uh... Convenient plot device?” [NOW he's starting to get it! I’m so proud!]
“Oh for Celestia's sake... Alright spike, lets go get something to eat then.”
“YES!!!” [The little-] “Hey!” [The dragon jumped for joy at the thought of food. Lets face it, waking up with absolutely ZERO memory of the bast few days works up QUITE the appetite.]
“Uuuuhuh.... Personal Experience?” … … … [I'd rather not talk about it.]
–---------------------------------------------------
So! That’s the end for chapter 1! Lemme know what you-
“NOOOOOO!!! WHAT ABOUT MY BREAKFAAAAAST?!?!?!”
Look, Ill get to that in the next chapter Ok? I'll get right to it as soon as I’m-
“But I’m hungry NOW!!!”
Yikes! Ok, spikes getting angry and hungry, so I’m gonna wrap this up REALLY fast! Please Read and Review! Flames accepted but not appreciated-
“You BET there are gonna be flames if I don’t get my breakfast soon!!!”
See you next time at breakfast! Which I’m gonna start writing RIGHT now to make sure spike doesn’t burn me to death!!!
“Damn strait you are!!! Get on it, NOW!!!”
Shit! Later all!!! This is BlitzKrank, and like Luna's ass on the moon, stay frosty!!!
I couldnt come up with a clever name for a chapter... Deal with it.
[Narrator's speech]
“So didja see the two dat came in last night? All armor and scales like ee's ready fer a war or sumthin-oh! There ee is!” [a gentlemen clearly too nosy for his own good caught spike out of the corner of his eye-] “Oy?! What devilry be THIS?”
“Sorry sir, That’s the narrator... He's just having a good laugh, nothing personal.” [Spike was humble, but forward, something that was quickly growing on twilight-]
“CAN IT!!!” Twilight yelled.
“Excuse me? Be beggin yer pardin, but what did I do to be deservin THAT outburst lil miss?”
“Oh! No- I am SO sorry, that wasn’t at you! I swear! Siiigh.... Forgive me, sir, we're just looking for a table at the moment. Would you be so kind as to help us?” [Twilight was also humble, knowing her outburst had just been heard by everyone in the building-] “SHHH!!!!” [Sorry.]
“Ah, it be the disembodied narrator voice of legend!!!” [Well, I have been mentioned in a few-] “The obnoxious one that be the accompaniment of the legendary heroes!” […] “But... where are the rest of yee?”
“Uhhh... Nope. Just the two of us as far as I can remember.” Spike rifled through his brain trying to think if anyone else had been in the castle at the time, but couldn't recall.
“Ahhh, so yee haven't met them yet... that be a few chapters ahead then boy-oh, keep yer chin up-”
“Waaaait wait wait-” twilight waved a hand around drawing the old mans attention, “Chapters? As in, like a book? Are we in some kind of Ridiculous Pony Story?”
“More a game, really, than a story. But! That be enough outa me, there be a table over there that be free, have a nice breakfast, then have yerselves a look at the job board why don'tcha?”
“Um.... … … sure, why not...” [Twilight looked thoroughly exhausted at the lack of logic that seemed to permeate the world they were in-] “HEY! … actually... that’s not too far off. Come on 'Sir' Spike, lets get some- Spike?”
“Over here!” Spike called from across the room, already at said table, clearly ready to order and eat before she had even sat down. “Hurry up already!” Twilight sighed, then sat with Spike.
“Hey uhhh....” Spike looked curious, “How'd you just sit down with me without walking over here first?”
“... Continuity error.”
“Oh. OK then! Lets eat!” Spike started shoving food into his mo-
“WAAAIT a minute! We haven't even ordered yet! HOW is he already eating?!” [Twilight, if you haven't already realized that this story doesn’t even take itSELF seriously, yer gonna have a bad time, m'kay?] “... FIIIIiiine... I guess I'll have some of the-SPIKE! You ate it ALL?!”
“Oops?” Spike said. Half a burger roughly shoved in his mouth. “I'll-gulp- order some more, WAITRESS!!!”
“Spike, no-!”
“Siiigh, welcome to the LightWallet bar and diner may I take your-” The dull pink teen was wide eyed after seeing them! She just stared for a while, while the two of them stared back.
“Uhh... Issss there a problem miss-?” spike tried ask, but before he could finish-
“How DARE you not recognize me you half-witted baboon!!! If we were back in Equestria my FATHER would-!”
“Diamond Tiara?!” both spike and Twilight blurted out at the same time.
“Um, DUUUUH!!! What, as IF you didn’t recognize ME of all poni-”
Spike interrupts her, “You have no jewelry on, least of all your crown, your in a raggedy barmaids outfit, your color is more dull than I've ever seen and your actually -working-. No. we didn’t recogmize you.”
“... touche.” [Diamond Tiara stood there looking like an idiot-] “HEY! Who's there?!”
“Relax Tiara, its the narrator. He's harmless... unless you piss him off.” Twilight said, plainly so the Narrator could hear it.
“Well I. Don't. Like it. Tell it to leave me alone!”
“Siiigh, if we could, we would have. Were stuck with him.” Spike rolled his eyes.
“F-for how long?!”
“Until the story ends or we all die. Happy?”
“NO! But... I suppose anythings better than-”
“DIIIRAAAAA!!!” a BOOMING voice rang out from the back or the bar, “Get yer pink arse back here NOW!”
“Noooo!!!! PLEEEASE, please get me out of here! I'll do ANYTHING!” Diamond Tiara looked TRULY desperate!
“Aaaaaanything?” Spike sneered, and was promptly bonked on the head, biting his tongue in the process, “OWWW!!!”
“Don't push yer luck dragon!”
“Enoooough you two, he's coming this way.”
“GREAT meal! That deserves an huuuge tip!” Spike bursts abruptly, drawing EVERYONES attention in the room. “... oops.”
[Five minutes later outside the building, in a wide street.]
“Wait, WHAT?!” spike blurted.
“You heard me boy, if you win, the wench is yers, if I win, I get yer HIDE! Make peace with yer gods!” the bar owner shouted!
“Wha-who?! Celestia and Luna?”
“What-Who the hell are they?!”
Spike took that moment to dash in, bashing his shield into the mans stomach! But no effect! The mans massive bulk absorbed the blow like it was-
“What?! No fair! You didn’t say he was big!” [… oops?]
“HAH! That was nothin boy! My turn!” the man swung his sword with such force, when spike blocked it, his feet sank slightly into the ground! “HAH! This is already over ya wee welp-wah?!”
Spike was mad. His first reaction was to scream! But all that came out was a blast of flame, engulfing the mans sword! After a moment, the sword was gone, all but the handle was missing!
“Th-... This can not be?! Blue Blazes! [Actually they were green-] “Can it ye ghosty! I... I yeild... you win lad.”
[Pssst! Spiiiike!] “Huh?” [Extortion time!] “uhh... I'll try? HEY YOU!!! your lucky I don’t just butn your damned bar down you-! You big jerk!”
“N-now now boyo, that needn't be happenin! Here, please, take these fer yer mercy, and... and the means on the house! By all means, if'n you ever need rest again, me doors are always open to yee... eheh?” The man hands him a bag of bits, 30 in total.
[Save Point acquired.] “Seriously?” Twilight rolled her eyes. [Yes.] “Fine. Whatever, can we go now?”
“Yeah seriously, this place stinks...” Diamond tiara complai-
“Wait, why does he call you Dira?” Spike was curious, as usual.
“Cause its faster than my full name. And I HATE it-”
“Ok, Dira it is then!” Spike perked up at the nickname he just gave her.
“What-NO! I don’t LIKE being called-”
“Hey Dira?” Spike looked at her.
“WHAT?!”
“... You responded to it, therefor it is your new nickname. GOTCHA!” Spike pointed at her in triumph!
“Uuuuugh.... fine, whatever, like I even care.”
“Iiiiif you two are done? Maybe we could ACTUALLY get going now?” Twilight chimed in.
“Right. Lets go!”
[10 miles later on the outskirts of a larger city:]
“AGAIN?!” Spike shouted
“He's done this before?” Dira asked.
“Yes. You were there remember?” Twilight reminded her.
“Oh riiiight...”
Spike checked his wallet before they entered the town, taking note of his 50 bit pocket account. “Well... at least we'll be able to afford another night at a hotel right?” [Hey. Hey Spike.] “What do you want?” spike growled. [I want to apologize for not giving you the details on the enemy earlier.] “Fine, whatever, just-” [No seriously! I mean it. Open your wallet again, watch.] “Wou're not gonna stop till I do are you?” [You catch on fast.] “Fiiiiine.” Spike opens his wallet and looks. [Lets see now uhh, Ctrl+C, theeeen Ctrl+V. Done!] “Holey shit! 100 bits!!! Dude! We are SO even man!” [Sweet! Now, twilight about to ask you a question so-]
“Hey Spike? When did you learn how to make real fire?”
“Real-? Never, why do you ask?”
“Oh, uhhh... No reason...”
[Somewhere back in Equestria]
