Archer: equestrias greatest pony spy.

by The watchful pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 3329

archer MLP crossover

Archer and his "friends" are enjoying a relaxing and uneventful day at ISIS. That is untill a package from russia comes and hits them with a rainbow bomb that sends them flying to god knows were and when in the universe. And were else whould they show up but equestria. Now they must either adapt to life here or get back home. With archer involved, either option won't end well.

Published 2012-04-21 05:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-28 03:50:12 UTC

pony Zone

pony Zone

ISIS was almost completely quiet exept for the hum of the AC. All the agents were hanging around Carol's (or maybe it was Cheryl, who knows) desk.

"God, this is so boring and forever taking. How long until closing time".

"I told you, it's three. So five minutes from now, when you ask me what time it is, im going to say THREE"!

".......that still doesn't answer how long it is until nine". Everybody in the room let out an aggravated sigh.

"It pains me to say this, but I do have to agree with Carol.."

"No, it's Jasmine now".

"Who cares. Why are we even still here. If nobody needs us, then should we not git off early".

"Maybe, if we worked for a boss that wasn't as crazy as she is old".

"HAY, I am not old, i'm seventy four. And for your information we just may have a mission".

"Finally, the bourbon is starting to run out". Malory carted in a giant box.

"Wow, that thing is like, unnecessarly huge".

"Yea, I bet that things so big you could smuggle an orca whale in one of those........ I mean not that you would but still". the box slowly started to creak open to reveal a giant machine of some kind. Steam spued from the red glowing top.

"Who ordered the giant fog machine".

"You know that not in the budget, right".

"I did not order this, it just showed up in the mail".

"Wait, it just showed up in the mail, and you didn't check who sent it".

"Well we know what it is now, don't we". cyril picked up a piece of paper that flew out from the box.

"There's a note. It says dear ISIS, I hope you enjoy the special gift I sent you, sincerely, barry".

"BARRY SENT IT".

"Oh, maybe it's a cooler. Check if it has some green russians".

"No thank you, I really don't feel like blacking out". when all of a sudden, The machine started to glow and radial before it let out a giant portal of red and sucked all the isis agents inside.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Archer woke up in the middle of a dirt road. There were trees all around and the sun was beaming down on his face. He didn't feel hungover but his head still felt as bad as the first time he had a green russian. It also did not help that he hated the sound of nature first thing when he wakes up. Bird singing wasn't entertaining, the sun was to bright, and finally, there was no bed with his soft persian blankets and goose feather pillows.

"Good god, what the shit did I just git hit with. Dammit Barry, what was that thing. Wait, why am I saying his name, he's not even here". All the thinking Archer had to do to form that sentence made his head start to hurt again. He brought his hand up to rub his pounding head, but as he felt what his head his hand it felt....... different somehow. For one thing, there were no fingers were they should have been. Second, it felt much more thicker then his hand. As he drew the mass away from his head, he saw not a hand, but instead a giant hove "Holy shit, have I been chain smoking joints again". Archer tried to git up but tripped over something.

"Ow, what the shit Archer".

"What the shit Lana".

"Get off".

"You get off". Archer got off of lana. when he saw her he was completely shocked. She was a horse, she had brown fur and blue eyes and a black main that was in a ponytail that led down to her shoulders. She also had a weird marking near her butt. It was a tec-9 sub machine gun facing upwards "Lana, please tell me you see what I see".

"What, that you and, I can only presume I, are horses".

"Wait I'm a horse to". Archer examined himself. He had all white fur and was wearing a black suit. He had his signature short black haircut and a very full, thick, and black tail. He also had the same weird symbol on his butt only his was a martini glass. He looked similar to his human form except for one thing, HE HAD WINGS. "HOLY SHIT, I HAVE WINGS".

"Hurray".

"Lana all my life I have always wanted to fly. Besides it's better then being a oh wait I had something for this....a..... um dildo rhino"

"what the hell are you talking about". archer brought his hove up to a spot on her forehead. She felt up near were he was pointing and felt a horn on her head. "What the hell is that".

"I believe it's a dildo".

"It's a horn you dumb ass"

"oh, ok smart ass, then tell me what were going to do. Because not only is mother, pam, cyril, and carol not here, but we have no drinks and nowhere to go". Lana pointed off into a distant town.

"Maybe that town has some answers".

".....Well obviously were going to that town". Both Lana and Archer trotted off to the town hoping to get some answers and also some alcohol

___________________________________________________________________________________________

It was dusk when Lana and Archer came into the town. The town was still bustling with activity like shops and stalls all over. everypony was saying hello to each other and buying stuff from the booths. "Man this place is so colorful I keep thinking we entered the world were air fresheners come from".

"Keep it down Archer, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves".

"Considering I'm not only the only horse thats wearing clothing but also the only guy in this town, I think we have already drawn attention to ourselves".

"Archer, your not the only guy in this town, look". Lana pointed off to an all red pony with a apple for a cutie mark.

"Ok, point taken". The two continue to trot when a certain pink pony came right the buck out of no were.

"Hello, i've never seen you in town before so that means your new and if you new then I need to through you a big surprise party, oh wait but it's not a surprise if I told you about it but maybe you can still be surprised about it if you pretend to be surprised when I through the party. Anyway I'm pinky pie what's your name".

"How high are you right now".

"ARCHER, my name is Lana Kane and this is my partner Sterling Archer. Were trying to look for some friends of ours that went missing". Pinky started to giggle a little.

"Those are some pretty funny pony names. I think i'll call you archy. I don't know who your talking about but maybe you can try Twilights house, she's quit a smart cookie, I wonder what type of cookie she would be, maybe chocolate chip, oooo or oatmeal, nooooo am I crazy, maybe she could be a...." pinky walked away and continued to talk to herself.

"What the hell, did I just get mind raped".

"I don't know, but at least we have a possible lead".

they both went over to Twilights house. Lana knocked on the door and for a couple of moments there were no sounds coming from the house. she knocked again but this time a small purple dragon answered the door. "Can I help you".

"HOLY SHIT, IT'S A REAL DRAGON".

"ARCHER, I'm Lana and this is archer. Were here to see a miss Twilight sparkle".

"Ok, let me go git her. Twilight, someponys are here to see you".

"Who are they".

"There names are Archer and Lana".

"I'll be down in a minuet". both Lana and Archer walked in and examined the library. "Hello, my name is Twilight sparkle".

"My name is Lana Kain, ISIS field agent. This may be hard to believe but me and my collie are not originally horses. We had a few friends with us before we came here from another world, but were not sure were they are. A pink pony by the name of pinky pie....". "I get it". "Told us you might be able to help us.

"Well firstly, your not a horse your a pony. Second, I'm afraid I haven't seen any strange acting ponys in town. However, me and spike would be more then happy to help you tomorrow on the condition you tell me everything you know".

"Why not today".

"If your friends are anywhere in the everfree forest, it will be safer to look during the day". Lana looked outside and saw that the sun was gone.

"That is a good point. Ok Twilight, first thing tomorrow, we will all go looking for the rest of the group and Archer what the hell are you doing".

"I'm trying to find the liquor cabin".

"Dammit Archer, can't you put you alcohol addiction on hold for two seconds".

"It is not an addiction, it's a necessity, There is a difference". Lana just rolled her eyes

"Please tell me you have some alcohol around here somewhere".

"There should be some cider in the fridge, it's a little strong so be careful". Archer went into the kitchen and came back out with a mug full of cider.

"Well it's no Schüzenmeister but for cider it's still pretty strong".

"Great, now how about we get some rest".

"I have an extra bed you two can share"

"Nooope, Archer can sleep on the couch"

"Fine". Archer put the mug down and hopped on the couch as Lana and Twilight trotted up to the bedroom. "Great, she gets a bed and I get a rough couch. I'm not going to say it, otherwise things will in fact, get worst............ who am I talking to". Archer finally drifted off to sleep. Ready for anything that this new world had to offer.

life adjustmints

life adjustmints

notes: double line is a cut away

Archer woke up and with his eyes still closed said "woodhouse, i'm not smelling eggs. Do I have to throw your clothes off the balcony again". He opened his eyes to to see he was not in his apartment but insted a library. "Oh right, i'm still stuck in every girls fantasy world. This entire place is like a pride parade". Archer got off the couch and saw a note on the table. it said

dear archer: we tryed to wake you up for our search mission, but you were passed out so Lana sugested we leave without you. Something about that whole incident in shanghai and you missreading asshole. Have fun without us. sincerely: Twilight p.s. Lana told me you have a problem with alcohol so I suggest you visit applejack for some more.

"Geez thanks alot bitch and bitcher. Also Applejack, what is she a walking.......whatever glass applejack is searved in". Archer trotted off to the kitchen to find some food. He opened the fridge to see nothing but hayfries, sandwiches with flowers in them, and some leftover sweets. "Jeez, how is she still alive". He closed the fridge door and saw a basket filled with apples. "meh, it's better then air pie". He picked one up and ate it in one bite. He walked outside to be hit with sunlight and ponys talking to each other. "Now time to go gite shit faced, but first I need to find this applejack. Maybe that pink pony knows were she is".

Archer walked down the street looking at the surrounding. he saw stands selling flowers, vegetables. and fruits. "That apple did nothing, I'm still hungry". He saw a giant place that looked like a bakery. "maybe I can git a bear claw from here. Speaking of I wounder were pam is. She's probably doing something fat.

=================================================================================================

malory,cyril and cheryl were all screaming as a bunch of timber wolfs started to close in as pam held up a sharpend spear like stick

"COME AT ME BRO!!!!!!!!!!". pam screamed out as the wolfs charged her.

=================================================================================================

"Probably making a buffet go bankrupt". He entered sugar cube corner and saw mr. and mrs. cake at the counter.

"Welcome to suger cube corner, can I help you". said mrs cake

"Well if I don't get something in my stomach I will die so I don't know, can you". both the cakes gave a confused look at Archer.

"Wait a minute, dont I know you". Said mr. cake

"Not unless you know Sterling Archer, the worlds greatest secreat agent".

"Well it cant help that you call yourself that. Wait, Archer. I do know you, your pinkys new friend". Said mr. cake

"Pinky......oh you mean the cokehead. Yea I saw her yesterday" as Archer was talking, Pinky pie came down the stairs.

"Archy!!". Pinky ran up and gave Archer a big hug. "My new best friend came to visit me. Wait here, I have something for you". Pinky ran off into the kitchen and came back with a little cupcake that had Archers cutie mark on it, "Heres your welcome to ponyvill cupcake". Archer grabbed the cupcake and ate it.

"Well now that i've eaten, time to get some drinks. Do you know were somebody named applejack is".

"Oh twilight told me you may want to see applejack, I was actually heading over to see hoe you were doing. Anyway, she's this way".Pinky ran off towords sweet apple acers

"Hay were the hell are you going, I said I wanted a drink". Archer ran off after pinky.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Archer cought up with pinky and started to move at a stedy pace next to her.

"How are you not tired".

"ummm, I don't know. I'm just always so hyper. Maby it's the 50 cupcakes I had for breakfest". Archer just looked at Pinky

"jesus, How are you still alive". Pinky didn't even respond to that. as they were walking archer started to look at pinky more closely. Is her hair made from cotton candy. I kinda want to nibble on it. I wonder what it would feel like rubbing up against my WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING, she's a pony, a baby horse girl toy for god sake. Wear's Pam, if I don't have sex with her soon, I'm not going to be held responsible for what I might do to one of them. Both of them were quiet until pinky said something.

"Say Archy, why don't you just fly instead of walk, you are a pegasus. Oh right, you were a human at some point".

"Wait how do you know that. Did pam blabber again".

"Twilight told me about you and Lana".

"Oh well that make sense. Trust me pinky, if I knew how to fly with these things I would".

"Well if you need someone to teach you then I have the perfect friend. Wait here, i'll go git her". Pinky bounced off away from Archer. Archer didn't know what to do besides just wait for her. He stood still for a good minute until he heard someone scream

"LOOK OUT". he tilted his head only to be run down by a pegasus. After he recomposed himself he saw the pony that ran him over.

"Hay why don't you watch were your going, you could kill somebody"

"Well how about you move next time I say look out". the rainbow maind pegasus got up and looked archer in the eyes. "Say are you new or something, because i've never seen you around ponyvill before".

"Yea I am. Let me gusse, you came to ponyvill for gay tolerance".

"WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I'M NOT A LESBIAN".

"That rainbow main couldn't have fooled me"

"Are you an idiot or something, this is my natural main color not a statement"

"Sure it is". Rainbow gave Archer a mean look for a couple of seconds before thay both broke out laughing

"Your a pretty funny guy for a jerk. I'm rainbow dash".

"I'm Archer, and you must be the one that walking suger comma waiting to happen was talking about. She said you can help me learn to fly".

"You must be talking about pinky, and how can you not know how to fly. You are a pegasus, aren't you". Archer explaned to dash who he really was and how he got to ponyvill. "So you were a human at some point, but now your a pony".

"due and or hello".

"Well I guess I chould teach you how to fly".

"Can it wait a little, it's been a full day since I had a drink so I was heading over to applejacks".

"I was also going to get some cider, how about I teach you on the way".

"Fine, just as long as I get some drinks"

"Trust me, you will. Applejacks the biggest alcoholic I know".

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Archer and Rainbow were flying to sweet apple acers.

"I think I got the hang of it". And just as Archer was doing good a landed face first into an apple tree.

"Hahaah yea nice flying skills".

"SHUT UP". Archer got back into the air and flow next to rainbow. "I'm just a little distracted because I haven't had a drink in almost a day so I'm a little twitchy"

"Man you have a serious addiction"

"It's a necessity, not an addiction, there is a difference dammit". Both Archer and rainbow landed next to applejack as she carted in a bunch of apples.

"Howdy there RD, who's ya new friend"

"This is Archer and he needs some cider". Applejack looked Archer over for a couple minuets "My my, aren't you all dressed up. Are you one of them canterlot ponys".

"I don't know what that is but I'm sure it's some bad pony related pun".

"Any why, I don't have any cider but I just got a new batch of whisky today".

"Now you talking, let's get shit faced"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Can you really get shit faced off of this stuff". Said Pam

"Yes in dedy. It may be cider, but it's still pretty strong", said pinky. The rest of ISIS were in Twilights library, enjoying the party that had begun a couple of hours ago. Pam was a fat earth pony with a blond main and green fur. Carol was a earth pony that had a red main in a bun style and was pink. Malory was a unicorn that had a grey and white main and had gray fur. Cyril was a Pegasus that had glasses on and had a black main and was yellow.

"I think I should stay away from that stuff. Alcohol tends to..... exaggerate certain features", said Cyril

"SEX ADDICTIONS NOT A REAL THIN ASSHOLE", lana said from across the room while she was talking to lyra and bonbon.

"Speaking of sex, I wonder were Mr.Archer is", said Pam.

"Why did you think of him because of sex", said Malory.

"Because she's screwing him", said carol.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat yes", said Pam.

"Neverland ranch here does have a good point, were is sterling", said Malory.

"He's probably getting shit faced somewhere", Said Pam.

"Wooooooo", said Archer. "These ponys are awesome".

"Your awesome man", said RD

"I know that", said Archer

"sterling are you drunk", said malory

"WHINER", said Archer.

"wow he's drunk", said Pam

"Yes we are. Now if you don't mind, me and my new friends are going to keep partying", said Archer as he, Applejack, and Rainbow dash walked into the party.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Archer woke up to find him sleeping on Twilights bed.

"Oh man, that was a crazy party. I remember coming to the party with AJ and RD, then I had some more drinks, then I had sex with someone. Probably Pam". When all of a sudden a blue hove wrapped itself around Archer. He looked down to see non other then rainbow dash. "Oh my god........ are we out of cider".