Short: Hesitation

by PheonixCircle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1146

The thoughts of one who cannot express them

I was never good with showing what I want to show. But I was always better at writing. So I write here what had happened the day that fate should open the gates to a world we thought we'd never reach.

Published 2014-06-18 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-18 22:20:01 UTC

Just standing there.

Author's Note

Hey folks. This is a warning. Following story is grim. It is a mind game on myself. A side of me I always had and I try to defeat. Don't read further if you anticipate something deep or meaningful or interesting. It isn't. At least I think it isn't. You have been warned.

Just standing there.

I don't know why I came here. I knew from the beginning that I'd not approach it. It is an intimidating view. The huge rift in the fabric of reality with it's crimson borders. It looks like a distorted frame. And in the middle a picture of our dreams. Canterlot Castle. It is beautiful. I city worth of visiting. But not for me.

A pony had entered our world through this rift when it opened. It said it's business was to make contact to other lifeforms. And because Equestria was the center of their universe, they thought it was more likely to find them in another universe. So they traced the strongest signal they could find. Our signal.

And now I am standing here, a hundred metres from this gate away. I have seen many enter and each time the ponies smile grew wider. At least I think so. Well, it doesn't matter. I'll stay here. I won't risk to go there and never be able to see my family again.

But this isn't the worst. The worst is that I have this feeling again. I just want to approach someone and ask something. Anything. But I won't do it. I never did. Why? I have no clue. It seems inappropriate for me to do so. Therefore I keep silent.

I look around me. Many people are here. Young and old. Male and female. But most importantly everyone has someone to talk to. To give them strength. Not me. I am alone. I always was. Decided to be alone. I am afraid of being hurt. Of hurting others.

Then I see them. Faces I know. People I met. I hope they look in my direction. At the same time I hope they won't. I want to ask them what they are going to do on the other side. I smirk. Sounds like they are going to die. My smirk dies off. Maybe they are. I should warn them, tell them what I saw.

No. It sounds crazy. Also I don't want to ask them anything. This is rude. Or is it? I am curious. What if I just ask a stranger near me? What if I shout it out so that they could here me even at the gate? They would think that I am crazy. Nothing more. I hate it. My mind that is. Never liked when it showed me all the risks but none of the possible gains I could make. It does this all the time.

I look back to my friends. They haven't seen me. Or they ignore me. I don't know. I never will. Cannot read minds yet. Would like to. Made life so much easier. On the other hand would make it incredibly dangerous. Anyone would want to have me for my power. I make a fist and my bones creak. I like that sound. It remembers me of my darker side.

More ponies have entered our world. They are giving away some sort of mark. Each pony has it's own. Doesn't look like selection to me. More like tour group building. Two approach me. Ask me whom I want to follow. I shake my head. One word was all I could say. Family. The only thing that matters. They look at each other. Say that I will return in about two hours. I shake my head again. Now they shake theirs. Sadly. Which makes me sad. Stupid me. Just go. Stop them. Say you want to follow the yellow one. It is Fluttershy. I recognised her. Everyone did. Nobody said anything. Neither did I.

They had left when my friends approach. They were going with Rarity it seems. They had a diamond on their hands. It looks like a burn mark made of glitter. But I keep silent. I answer their questions. Why I stay. Why I came in the first place. But I don't ask them anything.

They are talking to each other now. I look at them. Check out what they had taken with them. What question they asked. How close they seem to each other. I am still a stranger. A stranger with friends. Always have been. Always will be. I am even a stranger to myself. Where do I come from. Where I was born? Where I went to school for three, two, five or four years? Where I worked?

Who am I? That was the question I thought was important. But I have found the answer to this. I am me. I am what I want to be. I am the best because I can change myself. I can't do this with others. But I drift away. This is not important. I am me. And I am stupid.

They are still standing around me when Rarity comes. If I wanted to come with her she asked. I could stay with my friends she said. I shake my head again. She nods. If you want to stay then I can't make you come with us she states. Then they leave. And then I am alone. All alone in front of this gate. And I wait. And I cry. Not because I cannot see the world on the other said. But because I couldn't ask the questions I wanted to.

"How about a photo as a reminder that I have seen you?"

A simple question. Stupid me. But the memory remains. The good one as well as the bad one. But it was always this way. They first day I met them? I loved it. They were great. I had the feelings to be with friends I know since a long time. I had in mind to ask for a picture. Didn't do it. Now I met them again. And still hesitate. I hate it

Finally I go. Towards the gate. There are no guards. A stop again. Hesitate again. I look at the gate. The world of my dreams. I turn my head around and touch my left arm. Reality. Grim. Cruel. But honest in it's ways. I walk away from the gate. Won't turn around. Will miss my friends. Always have. Always will. But I can't stand beside them. Never could. It hurts me. Hurts me to know that I am an intruder. Always will be. Even if they invite me. I am the stranger. The new one. The guy no one knows.

And I hesitate. Again. And again. Until the day this mask of tears dies and the laughing mask rises again.