Unwelcome Company and Lactose Intolerance
One would be led to believe that libraries are quite a bore. Most fall into the dreadful stereotype of being overly uninteresting and too quiet for most ponies’ taste. Let’s face facts, nopony actually GOES to these places in Equestria. Golden Oaks Library, the local library of Ponyville, stood out from all the rest of them however.
For starters, the entire building was carved from a tree, which as unusual as it sounds, was actually quite effective in the design.
Second, Golden Oaks was home to a large assortment of creatures at the moment. An Alicorn Princess, a dragon, a changeling queen, an unidentifiable pink ball of fluff that considers sticking its tongue out a language, and an easily irritated bipedal.
With such a wide assortment of creatures, life was never boring…
Although sometimes, that wasn’t always a good thing.
It was lunchtime at Golden Oaks Library, and all of its residents were quietly eating their meals. Spike was scarfing down a bowl of gems, the pink ball of endless amounts of fur that just happened to have a head attached to it known as Fluffle Puff was munching on a taco, and sitting at the end of the table was probably one of the more stranger creatures to Equestria. He was a short, pale-skinned man with black hair and a small beard on his chin. He wore a completely black t-shirt with a logo that read the word “JERK” in large, white letters.
This was Dan. The only human in Equestria, and the most irritable one in history.
Dan was trying to enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some orange juice (all the while with his usual bored look) when he suddenly noticed the unnerving absence of one resident in particular of the library.
“Hey, football, where’s the bug queen?” he asked Spike.
Spike frowned at the nickname that Dan constantly referred to him as. It was pretty degrading, and made no sense whatsoever.
“For the last time Dan, I’m not a...wait, where IS Chrysalis?” Spike asked.
Almost the second he asked that, the dark and menacing bug-like figure of Queen Chrysalis rose up from behind Fluffle Puff. She spread her wings out from behind her and opened her fanged maw. A light pink mist began to emerge from the fluffy pony and was sucked into the Changeling’s mouth.
And Fluffle Puff didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, still wearing that unconditional smile on her face.
“Alright, is that really necessary?” Dan asked Chrysalis.
Chrysalis immediately broke out of her intimidating feeding when her focus was broken and turned towards Dan with a deadpan.
“What? You know I feed off of love, big deal.” She said.
“You think I didn’t know that already? I mean do you really need to do that right in front of me? It’s freaking me out!” Dan exclaimed, starting to sound a little annoyed. Honestly, some people just don’t understand that some things are not meant to be displayed in the presence of others.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes.
“You get angry at the most asinine things Dan. I’m sort of glad there aren’t any more of your kind around Equestria.” Chrysalis said.
Dan’s face turned a bright red, and he started to grind his teeth.
“WHO SAID I WAS ANGRY?!?!” Dan yelled at the top of his lungs. In his frustration, Dan got up from his seat and slammed his fists on the table, which caused his orange juice to spill over, which only egged him on even further.
“Oh come on! Again?!?!” Dan yelled.
Fluffle Puff then scooted across the floor over to Dan while making her signature “Phhhhbbbt” noise with her tongue. She then got to Dan’s eye level by standing on a chair on her hind legs and putting a hoof to his mouth. She then proceeded to make a “Shhhhh” sound.
“DON’T YOU TELL ME TO-“
“Shhhhhh.” Fluffle Puff put her hoof back on his mouth and made the same sound again.
Dan’s rage was surprisingly starting to slow down, and he was starting to get a little calmer.
“But I-“
“Shhhhhh” Fluffle Puff repeated the process.
At this point Dan didn’t even bother yelling again, and he instead just sat back down, his blinding fury down only to a “slightly annoyed” level now.
“Rrrgh. Fine.” Dan grumbled. Dan then took out his cell phone and pressed a single button and put it up to his ear.
“Who’re you calling?” Spike asked.
“Twilight. I need her to get over here and get me more orange juice.” Dan said.
“Dude, the fridge is literally like, ten feet away from-“
“Be quiet. Do you know how rude it is to interrupt somebody on the phone? I honestly thought I knew you better than that.” Dan scolded.
After a few more seconds of the phone ringing on the other end, Dan heard the one sound that no one EVER wanted to hear while trying to get a hold of someone else over the phone…
‘We’re sorry, but the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected.’
Dan’s left eye started to rapidly twitch in anger as he hung up the phone and slammed it on the table.
“Calm down Dan. What’d tables ever do to you?” Chrysalis asked with a slight chuckle at her friend’s (although she used that term rather loosely when it came to Dan) misfortune.
“Tables are always in my way and making me stub my toe, but that’s not important right now. Why can’t Twilight ever bother to answer my calls?! This is the second time for crying out loud!” Dan yelled.
“Dan, you need to relax. Twilight’s a princess now, and she has a lot of important royal stuff she needs to do. She can’t take the time to answer the phone every time you call to complain about how Owlowiscious is a moron for not comprehending any words other than ‘Who’-
“That bird IS an idiot! My name is Dan! One D, one A, and one N! It’s. Not. That. Difficult!”
“Or how every book in Equestria revolves around some crazy conspiracy you thought up that Celestia is brainwashing everypony, and that’s why there’s barely any crime.”
“Hey, it's the closest thing you have to T.V. in this world, so she has to do that SOMEWHERE. And I DARE you to give me a legitimate reason for the low crime rate around here with a ruler that soft!”
Spike facepalmed.
“Look, my point is that maybe Twilight doesn’t always want to hear it. Ever think of that Dan?” Spike asked as he picked up a large purple gem from his bowl to be put in his mouth.
“Ohohoho. I respectively disagree Spike. I think Dan has every right to be enraged right now.” A squeaky, girly voice echoed throughout the room.
The voice took everypony off guard as they all looked around the room to find the source of the voice.
“Down here lizard!” it squeaked again. Spike looked down at the gem he held in his claw and saw that it had grown an oversized pair of purple and white swirled eyes.
“Gah!” Spike shouted as he threw the gem into the middle of the table, where everyone proceeded to stare at it.
“Did that gem just talk?” Chrysalis asked nopony in particular.
“Phhhhbbbt.” Fluffle Puff spat with a confused look on her face.
Dan was equally confused as they were. He may not have been from Equestria, and he may have seen some pretty weird things here compared to his old home…
But he was fairly certain that gems weren’t supposed to talk.
Suddenly, the gem started to rumble and shake, and a light, purple mist started to engulf it. Then without any warning, it exploded into a large mass of the purple smoke, limiting visibility in the room to an absolute zero.
“Alright, who did that?! If this stuff infects my lungs, I’ll just have to take YOURS as compensation!” Dan yelled in between coughs.
“Oh that won’t be necessary Dan. I can assure you that my smoke won’t bring you any physical harm.” The voice, a lot clearer now, said in a smug and childish tone.
“Hold on. That voice…Oh no.” Chrysalis groaned putting a hoof to her face.
The smoke then began to clear, and floating in the gem’s place on the table was something completely different.
Floating there was a little purple filly with a mane that matched her coat color, but had a few white swirls in it. Her Cutie-Mark was a baseball with a screw sitting next to it, and on her head was a beanie which for some unknown reason was still spinning, even with the noticeable absence of wind.
Her eyes, purple and white just like her mane, matched the pair Spike had seen on the gem, and were equally disturbing.
Everypony in the room, all except for Dan, recognized the filly immediately as Screwball, the daughter of their rather questionable friend, Discord.
“And what are you doing here Screwball?” Spike asked, already with an annoyed look on his snout.
Screwball put a hoof to her chest and overdramatically gasped, feigning offense.
“Whaaaaaat? A filly can’t just drop by to visit her bestest buddies in the whole world without having ulterior motives? Hmph.” Screwball said, turning her back to the dragon and crossing her forelegs.
“Most fillies can. YOU on the other hoof…” Chrysalis said with a large amount of venom in her voice.
Screwball then disappeared in a blinding flash of light and reappeared in another standing on top of Chrysalis’ crooked horn, and was now looking down at her.
“Honestly Chryssi, I thought you of all poni-err…Changelings would be happy to see me. After all, we were both baddies at one point…Well, you were actually more of a not-so-innocent queen turned homicidal maniac than an absolutely rotten-to-the-core villain, but that’s still something.” Screwball said mockingly while lightly tapping Chrysalis’ skull, which only made the Changeling queen even angrier.
Before Screwball got another word out, Fluffle Puff let out a happy gasp, and tackled Screwball to the ground in a big, fluffy hug, which after feeling how soft the pony was, Screwball happily returned.
“Well, at least SOMEPONY appreciates my presence.” Screwball said, still hugging the giant ball of fur.
“Uhhh…who the heck are you?” Dan asked. Screwball teleported out of Fluffle Puff’s embrace, and re-appeared inside of Dan’s shirt collar, looking directly at him with that same, insane smile plastered on her features.
“Oh yes, we haven’t met have we? I’m Screwball. Demi-godess of Chaos and Disharmony. Twilight has told me quite a lot about you Dan. Seems to me like you have quite the knack for causing trouble…I like you already.” Screwball said, booping Dan’s nose with a hoof and giggling slightly.
“GET OUT OF THERE!” Dan yelled making a grab for the pony occupying his shirt. Screwball managed to teleport out of harm’s way before Dan could make his mark.
“My my. Somepony’s a tad irritated this afternoon. Say, I can’t help but notice the absence of Princess Autism. Where’d she run off to?” Screwball asked, looking across the room with a pair of binoculars in her hooves and up to her eyes.
“Canterlot. She had some royal princess stuff to take care of, so it’s just us today.” Spike said.
Screwball groaned and put a hoof to her face.
“Again? Has that pony gotten so self absorbed that she can’t even make time for her friends anymore? I guess after you get wings and a crown, nothing else really matters does it?” Screwball said.
“That’s like the exact same thing I’ve been saying!” Dan said rather loudly. This pony had just taken the words right out of Dan’s mouth. On one hand he was glad Twilight wasn’t aggravating JUST him, but on the other, he could see WHY Twilight would want to avoid THIS pony.
Screwball removed her hoof from her face, and a troubled look appeared on her face.
“Mmph. Kinda thirsty. Not a problem though!” Screwball declared. All of a sudden, Screwball’s swirled eyes began to glow to a much brighter shade of purple, and another bright flash of white light exploded in front of her. In the light’s place was a big mass of pink, sugary, cotton candy. Screwball proceeded to leap on top of it, conjured up a silly straw in another flash of light, and began to drink from the cloud using it.
Upon seeing the cotton candy cloud in the middle of the room, Fluffle Puff let out another happy gasp, skipped over to it, and began to lightly chew on it, making a few “nom-nom” sounds as she did so.
Dan was going to question how the hell Screwball was doing all of this, but before he could even begin to dwell on the subject, he realized that he was actually quite thirsty himself, and the mishap with the orange juice had left him without a drink.
“Well don’t be selfish! Give it here! It’s the least you can do for befouling my shirt with your pony germs.” Dan demanded.
Screwball stopped drinking long enough to answer.
“Oh but of course Dan! If dear Fluffle Puff is allowed to sample my cloud, it’s only fair. Catch!” Screwball shouted as she tossed him another straw.
Before Dan could move even an inch forward though, Spike stopped his advance by putting a claw in his path.
“Dan, wait. I REALLY don’t think it’s a good idea to drink from that thing.” he said. If he knew Screwball, then he knew she was always up to no good, and this was most likely no exception.
“Silence ‘mother.’ The puff ball has been eating it this whole time, and it’s just fine. What could go wrong?” Dan asked, slightly annoyed, pushing Spike out of his way.
“Phhhbbft!” Fluffle Puff spit.
“Shut up! You just want it all for yourself!” Dan yelled.
Despite the warnings of Spike and Fluffle Puff, Dan stuck the straw inside of the cloud and started to swallow its contents…
Only to be hit with a very familiar and unforgiving taste…
The absolute bane of Dan’s existence…
Chocolate Milk.
Once the liquid hit his stomach, Dan instantly fell to the ground in pain, and started to writhe in agony.
“Arrrrgh! Milk! WHY WOULD YOU GUYS LET ME DRINK THAT?!?!” Dan screamed through the pain in his gut.
“But we…Ugggh” Spike groaned in annoyance as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
In response to Dan’s misery, Screwball was rolling around on her cotton candy cloud, laughing it up. Chrysalis also found Dan's pain quite funny, and started to roll on the floor, laughing her flank off at Dan's stomach pain.
“ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!?!” Dan screamed at the filly.
“HAHAHAHA! W-Whatever gave you that idea? You know, most ponies in this situation would probably say something like ‘I feel your pain’, but truth be told, I ENJOY your pain!” Screwball laughed.
Not even a second after Screwball’s laughing fit, a cuckoo bird similar to the ones found inside certain clocks popped out of a tiny opening on her forehead and let out a loud snort of an elephant, before retreating to its hole.
“Oh. It would appear that I’m a tad late for my game of poker. I’m gonna wipe the floor with Angel just like I do every week. I’ll see you all later. Give my condolences to Sparkle-Butt for me would you...Oh and Dan...try not to crap your pants.” Screwball laugh before standing on her hind-legs on her cotton candy cloud and zooming out the door on it like a surfboard, which left a large mass of confetti in its wake.
“WAIT! GET BACK HERE AND FIX MY STOMACH!” Dan yelled, struggling to get up and stumbling out the door, giving chase to the purple filly.
Only to find when he got outside that she was nowhere to be seen.
This enraged Dan to no end. Not only did Screwball poison him with her pink cloud of death, but she also had the nerve to laugh IN HIS FACE. Spike, Chrysalis and Fluffle Puff were all in the doorway, staring at him.
“Uhhh, you okay Dan?” Spike asked.
Dan was appalled at how Spike could ask such a dumb question, given his current state.
“DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!” He fumed. Dan’s face was in a combination of pain and rage. He was boiling red, he had his hands balled up into fists, and one of the veins in his forehead looked like it was about to pop.
“Heeere it comes.” Chrysalis said nonchalantly while rolling her eyes, still slightly chuckling at Dan's misery.
“Phffffbt.” Fluffle Puff spit while slowly closing the door to the library, shielding them from Dan’s wrath.
Dan turned back around and took a deep breath. He lifted his arms into the air, and screamed the seed of his hatred’s name into the bright blue sky of Ponyville.
“SCREEEEEEWBAAAAAAALL!”
Dan Vs. Screwball
Author's Note
Someone get Dan a stress ball. :P
Anyway, this is the first Dan Vs. Crossover I've ever done, and given how I characterize Screwball most of the time, I think it would makes sense that Screwball got on Dan's nerves here.
Now there's the matter of HOW he's going to get back at her.
Disappointing Allies
For about the next hour and a half after Screwball had left, the sounds of Dan puking his brains out in the bathroom drowned out any other sound in the library. Spike occasionally went to the bathroom door and asked Dan how he was holding up, only to be answered each time with how Screwball would receive her “Divine Punishment” for befouling his stomach.
It was around that last half hour that there was a knock on the door, to which Fluffle Puff zoomed across the floor and answered it. On the other side of said door awaited none other than the owner of the library, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Fluffle Puff gave one of her gasps of pure happiness and hugged the purple alicorn with all her might.
“Hehe. Nice to see you too Fluffle Puff.” Twilight said with a chuckle. Twilight then spotted Spike and Chrysalis coming down the stairs, and almost immediately questioned the exhausted look on Spike’s face, and the still-chuckling face on Chryssi’s.
“Oh thank Celestia you’re back Twilight. Things have been INSANE around here!” Spike exclaimed.
Thinking about the many ways a group such as this could get into trouble, Twilight almost instantly became concerned.
“Uggh. I can’t leave any of you alone for more than a day can I?...Alright, what happened?” Twilight asked.
Twilight was answered when she heard the bathroom door slam open upstairs and saw Dan stomping his way down. Twilight took one look at Dan’s infuriated face and could tell Dan had had another one of his episodes.
“Well look who it is! Ms. ‘I don’t care about Dan’s problems enough to pick up the phone!” Dan yelled.
Twilight facehoofed. If this had come from anypony else, she probably would have been offended. But seeing as it was coming from Dan, she knew he didn’t have too much respect for anypony else.
“Dan, I was on important royal business in Canterlot. I can’t just drop everything and come back to take part in one of your irrational revenge schemes.” Twilight said with annoyed, but calm tone in her voice.
Dan angrily sulked and crossed his arms.
“Well I hope you’re happy! Because while you were gone, I was almost subjected to ‘death by milk!’” Dan said.
“…What?”
“Hehehehe. You missed quite a lot Twilight. Screwball came by and practically murdered Dan’s stomach! It was quite a sight!” Chrysalis laughed, which only seemed to wear even more on Dan’s nerves.
“It isn’t the least bit funny! I have been wronged, and I WILL have retribution!” Dan screamed.
Every possible way Twilight thought this scenario could play out ended in disaster. An incredibly annoying mega-troll…no, THE incredibly annoying mega troll has gotten to the biggest anti-troll to exist, and this would no doubt end with Dan going overboard.
Dan slowly scratched the facial hair on his chin in deep thought.
“So, first thing that comes to mind is to hit where that evil concoction of hell lives, and burn it to the ground.” Dan said.
“Fluttershy’s cottage.” Chrysalis said without a moment’s hesitation.
Both Twilight and Spike almost immediately tensed up and glared daggers at the Changeling Queen.
“DON’T TELL HIM THAT!” They yelled at the same time, to which Chrysalis gave only a slight chuckle.
After hearing the location of his newfound nemesis, an evil grin spread across Dan’s features and he mischievously rubbed his hands together.
“Fantastic. I’ve been itching to break out the old lighter lately, so what better a time than now?” Dan snickered.
Twilight trotted closer to the human and looked him right in the face with a look that a parent would give a child after they screwed something up.
“Dan. NO. You are NOT burning down Fluttershy’s home.” She said sternly.
“But, my lighter!” Dan said in a whining tone of voice.
“Look, not only would you be leaving practically all of Ponyville’s animal population homeless, but I also don’t think Fluttershy needs another reason to be angry at you right now.” Spike chimed in.
Dan all of a sudden grew quite an angry/offended face.
“What?! What’d I do?!” Dan screamed.
Everypony in the room (save for Fluffle Puff) deadpanned at Dan’s unawareness of the disaster that had taken place in the past week.
“Last week. The Breezie migration. Somepony stepped on your toe and you yelled so loud it made all the Breezies pass out. You seriously don’t remember that?” Twilight asked.
“Of course I remember that! Fluttershy just needs to learn to let things like that go.” Dan grumbled in irritation.
Nopony in the room could believe what just came out of Dan’s mouth. Never have such hypocritical words of this magnitude been spoken.
“Well if any of you have a better idea, then I’d certainly love to hear it.” Dan said in a voice that nopony could quite label as genuine, sarcastic, or angry.
Fluffle Puff was the only one to respond as she raised her hoof and let out one of her signature “Pffffbt!”
“…Except for that. I can’t believe you just suggested that you psycho.” Dan said to the Fluffy Pony.
Dan proceeded to turn his back to everypony in the room, and kept his thoughts to himself for a moment.
“…Okay, so it’s clear to me that you four are INCREDIBLY disappointing and not going to be of any real help to me, so it looks like I’ll need to employ some-“ Dan cleared his throat.
“-’Outside help.’ Someone that can think the thoughts of a psychopath. Someone that knows insanity better than anyone else in this god-forsaken, coloring book of a world. Someone that single-handedly destroys the very fabric of reality every time she opens her mouth to speak!” Dan said, overdramatically describing this particular pony.
“…Pinkie Pie?” Chrysalis asked with an unsurprised expression.
“Pinkie Pie.” He confirmed.
Screwball casually laid down on her bed in Fluttershy’s cottage. Since Discord had moved in with Fluttershy, he only saw fit that she stay with her as well. Fluttershy was okay with it for the most part, but Screwball could sort of see that dealing with TWO incredibly powerful creatures of Chaos could get to her a little, which Screwball felt bad about sometimes. If there was one pony Screwball DIDN’T want to annoy, it was Fluttershy. First of all, you don’t EVER want to annoy the pony that’s basically your landlord. Second, for reasons she couldn’t fathom, she kinda liked Fluttershy. Besides her dad, Fluttershy had been the only one to tolerate her chaotic behavior, and treated her with actual, genuine, honest-to-Celestia kindness, which Screwball greatly appreciated.
Of course, that didn’t mean she couldn’t mess with Angel sometimes.
The door to Screwball’s room slowly opened, creaking slightly as it did so, and Fluttershy trotted into the room, with an angry-looking Angel Bunny standing by her side with his little arms crossed in an irritated fashion.
“Umm, Screwball? Angel was telling me…Screwball, why is your bed upside down?” Fluttershy asked, looking up at Screwball, who was indeed laying on her bed like any normal pony would…
If it weren’t for the fact that Screwball’s bed was on the ceiling.
Screwball looked up (or down rather) from her position on her bed.
“The real question Ms. Fluttershy should be, is why are YOU right side up?” Screwball said with a smile.
Fluttershy normally knew better than to question the antics of Discord, but Screwball seemed to be just as irrational. Having the mind of a child, along with her chaotic ability, she proved to be what most would call, “Everything that’s wrong with Equestria”, but Fluttershy could see that she was only trying to be like her dad and express her creativity through her Chaos.
Even if sometimes she used her powers for less than honorable means.
“…Aaaanyway, Angel tells me that you took his carrots. Is that true?” Fluttershy asked. Angel still glared daggers at the purple filly on the ceiling. Ever since she and Discord had moved in, Angel had not gotten used to either of them. And it probably wasn’t going to get any better if Screwball kept kicking his butt at Appleosa Hold em’.
In retrospect, maybe betting his lunch in a poker game against somepony that was known for being a lying, cheating little hellspawn wasn’t such a good idea.
Screwball shot Angel a look that communicated something along the lines of “Woooow, you are such a sore loser” and then turned her attention back to Fluttershy.
“Hey, first rule of poker is to not bet something you don’t want to lose.” Screwball objected.
Fluttershy narrowed her eyes, and she started to put on a rather stern face.
“Screwball…” she said with a little anger in her voice.
Screwball took one look at Fluttershy’s face, and could tell she was getting on her nerves. She began to survey the situation. On one hoof she didn’t want to give Angel the satisfaction of seeing her being scolded, but she also didn’t like when Fluttershy was mad at her.
“Mmph…fine. I prefer cotton candy anyway.” Screwball grumbled. She then put one hoof to her left nostril on her nose and blew. A large bushel of carrots shot out of her other nostril and into her hooves. Screwball tossed the carrots to Angel, who thanked her by sticking his tongue out.
Screwball couldn’t just let a rabbit one-up her like that, so she opened her mouth, and a tiny version of herself appeared inside and angrily blew a raspberry at the bunny.
“Oooh, can’t you two ever stop fighting? If you’re staying here Screwball, you and Angel are going to have to get along at some point.” Fluttershy said.
“Pfft. Yeah sure. The day that happens is the day Fluffle Puff goes emo.” Screwball grumbled.
Angel was on the verge of chucking a carrot at Screwball’s head before he was stopped by Fluttershy’s hoof.
“Oh, sometimes I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you two.” Fluttershy said.
Author's Note
So, we see that Dan is intending on enlisting the help of Pinkie Pie in his quest for revenge, and we see a little bit of "Sibling Rivalry" between Angel and Screwball. This can only end well.
