Hail Hydra!

by gracial

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Big Macintosh, Sweetie Belle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark
Length: 4413

Big Mac's sister, Applejack, tells him that he needs to get a life. At first he disagrees, but then he gets bored. VERY, VERY, bored. He thinks maybe he should go out and look for a new hobby. Through a twist of fate, he ends up with a cult t

Big Mac's sister, Applejack, tells him that he needs to get a life. At first he disagrees, but then he gets bored. VERY, VERY, bored. He thinks maybe he should go out and look for a new hobby. Through a twist of fate, he ends up with a cult that is dedicated to serving the hydras.

Having to choose between ending several lives for the sake of a monstrous species' entertainment or being bored (oh, and dying), Big Macintosh makes the obvious choice.

Published 2014-06-19 23:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-19 23:00:03 UTC

Don't Do Drugs, Kids

Big Macintosh sat by a cart of apples that he had just pulled into the barn, bored out of his mind. 'Another day, another batch of apples' he thought to himself. He fiddled with a nearby haystack and began thinking back to this morning's conversation with his sister.

"Hey Big Mac, we got most of the work done yesterday" Applejack said to him, "Ah figure we'll be done by lunchtime, today. What'cha plannin' to do once we're finished up?"

Big Mac shrugged, "There'll probably be more work to be done around the house when we're finished. There always is."

Applejack stared at her brother in shock, "Has it been THAT long since you've had a day off?"

"Ah enjoy working sis, you know that."

"Ah do know that, but ya need to have SOME kind of a hobby on the side."

Big Mac shook his head, "Ah don't need one when there's so much work to do."

"Listen Big Bro, when we're finished I want you to go out there and find something to do. You'll make time for it like Ah do with mine. Do ya hear me?"

"Eeenope" he said right before leaving the room.

He was now stuck doing nothing because there actually wasn't anything to do around the house. Thus, he was forced to sit around and wait for nighttime so he could go to bed. The worst part was, it was still morning. They had gotten done early and his sister went out to do whatever her hobby was (he never bothered to ask). After ten minutes of playing with the haystack, he decided that his sister was right and that he needed to do something. He decided to head into town to see if there was anything to occupy his time.

Big Mac walked through Ponyville, unsure of how he was going to find anything to do. 'Ah wonder if Caramel's up to anything. Ah'd love to see him wear that pair of shoes he told me about the other day.' Big Mac thought to himself, thinking of the only other stallion he knew in Ponyville that ever talked to him. Suddenly he remembered something, 'Ah crap, he went on that cruise with Night Light. What was it called again? Oh yeah, The Rainbow Cruise is what Ah think he said.'

Big Mac sighed and was about to continue his search when something caught his eye. In front of the town hall was a billboard. It must have been new because he had never seen it there before. He walked up to it and saw that it was posted with several job offerings. "Hmmm, maybe there's something here. Lawn mower? Boring. Pool cleaner? Stupid. Cutie Mark Crusaders wanted? I think I'll just take that down. Chimney sweep? Ah might be an orphan, but Ah'm not THAT desperate. Sexy maid? Shoot, mares only."

As Big Mac looked at the last paper, he dropped his head and breathed a sigh of disappointment. "Guess there really ain't nothin' for me to do." The stallion continued he walk, ending up in a nearby park. Feeling down because of his lack of success, he sat down on a bench and breathed yet another sigh of disappointment. "What does it take to have some fun around here?!"

"Fun you say?" a voice said from beside him. Big Mac looked to his right to see a pony in a trench coat. "I've got some things that'll make the fun happen, anywhere at anytime" the pony said.

Big Mac smiled when he heard this. "Great, today's been real borin' for me."

The pony smirked, "Don't worry, with this you'll have a blast. Ya know, since you're a first timer I'll give you a half-off deal, something that most of my customers would kill for." The pony opened up his trench coat to reveal a variety of things that Big Mac didn't recognize. "Take your pick."

Big Mac was nervous because he didn't know what any of it did. He looked around and saw some mushrooms, something he knew from the farm. There had been many times in the past when he had to pluck them to make room for other things, or so the livestock wouldn't get a hold of it. He knew that some types were safe to eat, and assumed that these were those kinds. "Ah'll take those" he said, pointing at the mushrooms.

"Oh ho ho, good choice" the pony said with a smile, "That'll be twenty bits."

The two made the exchange and the strange pony scurried away, looking around in a nervous manner. Big Mac shook his head. "What a strange stallion" he said before opening the bag and putting three of the mushrooms in his mouth. Almost immediately, the ground started to disappear. Big Mac looked around in shock, then realized the trees were spinning. He looked up to see that the sky had turned into a giant apple, and he was slowly going towards it. He couldn't tell whether he was flying or falling, but it was happening pretty fast. He slammed into the apple and it burst into a thousand shards of red glass. When he touched one of these shards they would change into a different color, usually neon.

For a few minutes, he stayed suspended in the space that the apple had previously occupied, simply changing the colors of the shards. It was nice, he had to admit. Suddenly, he jolted forwards and started falling (or flying, he still couldn't tell) past the shards and towards hard ground. Right before he landed, he lost all of his momentum. He opened his eyes to see that he floating above the bench he was at before. He also found that whenever he shifted his body in a certain direction, he would move like a ragdoll. He decided to go towards Ponyville to see if there was anypony who could help him.

When he got to town, he immediately saw his little sister, Applebloom. "Applebloom!," he shouted, "Oh, thank goodness Ah found you, Ah need some help here!"

Applebloom looked at Big Mac and smiled, "Big Mac!" she said in a tone that reminded him of when she was a foal.

"Yea Applebloom, it's me! Now help me down!"

"Big Mac!" he heard the same voice from behind him. He turned to see another Applebloom.

"What in tarnation?" he said in confusion.

"Big Mac!" he heard again, and turned to see another Applebloom coming out of an alleyway.

"This is downright disturbin'!" he shouted at no pony in particular.

"Big Mac! Big Mac! Big Mac!" he heard several voices say. He looked to see Appleblooms coming out of crates, climbing down the walls, and even some pegasus Appleblooms in the sky.

"BUCK THIS!" he yelled and flew out of town. He got a few yards before his 'levitation' gave out and he fell through the ground. He fell, and fell, and fell, and had no idea how long it would take before something would happen. Eventually, he saw a bright light below him, quickly growing bigger and bigger. It soon surrounded his entire body, glowing as bright as the sun. He enjoyed it, strangely enough. It didn't hurt him, but it soothed his body, releasing all the tension of his day...

...and then he hit the ground face-first.

"Ouch!" he said as intense pain filled every corner of his face. In fact, that 'ouch' probably sounded more like a 'eeersh', but at that moment he didn't care. All he cared about was pain. Pain, suffering, and how the hay he was still alive.

"I know the annoying narrator just said this, but HOW THE HAY AM I STILL ALIVE?!" Big Mac shouted.

"How the hay are you still alive?!" a voice called from a distance. Big Mac looked up to see a pegasus flying towards him. "Hold on, I'll be right there!" the voice called, speeding itself up. Within moments the pegasus stood next to the earth pony. Suddenly, Big Mac recognized the pony as Rainbow Dash, one of Applejack's friends. "Big Mac! By Celestia, I knew you were tough, but to survive an explosion like that? You must be immortal!"

Suddenly, Big mac heard the sound of hooves to his left and looked over to see none other than Princess Celestia. "BIG MACINTOSH," she said in the royal canterlot voice, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF FAUST HAS HAPPENED HERE?!"

"Ah, w-well ya see-"

"This thing dropped out of the sky and blew everything to pieces!" Rainbow Dash yelled, not wanting to wait on the stallion.

"BY HASBRO, DID ANYPONY BESIDES BIG MACINTOSH SURVIVE?!"

Rainbow Dash lowered her head, and a single tear fell to the ground. "No ma'am, I believe that Big Mac is the only one who survived."

Princess Celestia lowered her head as well, distressed by the news. Then, suddenly, her head snapped up and she had a broad grin on her face. "COOOONGRAAAATULATIONS BIG MACINTOOOOOSH! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY SURVIVED ATOMIC FIRE, AND SINCE MY ONE AND ONLY WOULD-BE PRINCESS IS NOW DEAD, YOU GET TO BECOME THE NEXT RULER OF EQUESTRIA!"

Big Mac looked at his princess in confusion. "Say what?" Suddenly, he was enveloped in a bright light, and the next thing he knew, he was back on the ground, but something felt different. He looked to his right to see a wing coming out of his back, then looked left to see the same thing. His eyes suddenly became saucers at the sight.

"NOW, I MUST GO KILL ALL ZEBRAS, AS THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY THE ONES WHO DID THIS" Celestia shouted before Big Mac could say anything, "I ENTRUST ALL ROYAL DUTIES TO YOU, MY FAITHFUL PRINCESS. GOOD LUCK." The alicorn quickly flew off before Big Mac could even utter a word.

"Yeah Princess, go get those stripes!" Rainbow Dash shouted, raising her hoof in the air and doing an air guitar with her tongue.

Big Mac, utterly speechless because of whatever just happened, sat on his rump for a minute doing nothing but watch as Rainbow Dash continued to do the air guitar. Without warning, her mane exploded in a cascade of colors, swallowing everything except Big Mac and most of Rainbow Dash. Big Mac watch in awe as the entire world turned into a rainbow, and Rainbow Dash, seemingly unaware of what was happening, continued to do the air guitar.

Then, everything stopped. Rainbow Dash stopped air guitaring, the wind stopped blowing, the world suddenly seemed cold. A bright light came out of nowhere and blinded Big Mac of everything but the light itself. Like before, it made him feel relaxed and relieved of all pain.

He began to hear a voice in the distance. "Inferior!" he heard. He couldn't quite make out who it was, though. Inferior! Inferior! the voice said again.

"No, not a voice. Voices, a lot of 'em" he thought.

The light began to fade away, and he could see that he was standing on a stage in front of a crowd of ponies. Inferior! Inferior! they chanted.

He looked around to see that they were in an open field in the woods. He looked to his left and saw a unicorn mare dressed from head to hoof in a robe that covered every part of her body but her muzzle, which stuck out just a little. The mare gestured for the group to quite down and the chant stopped. "Hail, Fertogas!" she shouted.

Hail, Fertogas! the group yelled.

The mare smiled and began to speak, "Today, as you know, is our time of the month!"

Yah!

"Yes, yes, it is the monthly ritual to our gods, the hydra!"

Hail hydra, hail Fertogas!

"As demanded by the hydra, we are to do our ritual based on what month it is. This month is July, the month of fire!" she shouted enthusiastically.

"Yah!"

"And not thirty minutes ago, we obtained a new stallion looking to join our ranks. It is most fortunate for him that he gets to perform his initiation trial on the day that he joins. Please help me welcome Big Macintosh!

The group clapped and a few ponies whistled.

"Uuuh, hi?" Big Mac said to the group

"Now, Big Macintosh, you MUST do this in order to join us and leave this area alive" she said to him.

"Wait, ALIVE?!"

"We cannot allow you to leave with knowledge of us if you decline, however unfortunate that is. Now, do you accept this task?" she asked very seriously.

He thought about it for a few seconds. 'Whatever happened to me after Ah ate those mushrooms wasn't good' he thought to himself, 'Well, Ah definitely don't want to turn them down and die. Ah'll just do this ritual, go home, and never speak of this again. Ah was better off doing work, anyways.'

"Eeeyup" he said.

"Good, now if you will turn your attention to the sacrifice." she gestured to a structure behind her. Big Mac looked to see what he recognized as a stone cross with a pony on it. The pony, more specifically, was Derpy the mailmare. She was unconscious and smiling despite her current situation.

'Wait, sacrifice?!' Big Mac thought very loudly to himself. Big Mac knew about crosses in the old days, they had taught it to him in school. People of the old times would nail ponies to crosses, prop them up, and either leave them up there for days so they would die or do it quickly and painfully.

The mare began to speak again, "We first must wake her up. The hydra enjoy their the sacrifices suffering." She walked up to Derpy and backhoofed her.

Derpy's head jerked up and she looked around. "What's going on?" she said in a 'derp'ish tone.

The mare turned to the crowd and smiled, "You can tell from her slow voice alone, the hydra will ESPECIALLY enjoy this sacrifice. As said in the gospel written by Hydranius, god of hydras, 'Those who are weak shall be punished, and someday wiped from the planet. Remember, my children, only the strong shall prosper'!"

"Huzzah!"

Big Mac was disgusted by this. 'What kind of horrible god would say such a thing? Ponies who are weak shouldn't be hunted down like animals!' he thought to himself, thinking back to all the lessons that his Granny Smith taught him about helping those who are weak. However, when he turned to Derpy, he couldn't help but fell a little hatred for her personally. There were many times were she had crashed into their house or into a few trees, making him having to clean it up and taking away from the small income they already had. That, however, did not mean that he hated her enough to kill her.

"Inferior! Inferior! Inferior! the entire group shouted again. Big Macintosh now realized what they had meant by that.

The mare gestured for them to quiet down. "Now will the torch keeper please proceed to the stage?" she asked. A pony walked up to the mare with a torch in his mouth. She levitated it out of his grasp and over to Big Mac. "Big Macintosh, are you certain that you have the strength that it takes to properly serve the hydra? Failing them will result in a fate worse than death"

"D-do we have to kill 'er? I mean...c-can't we just give 'er a beating and let 'er go? I-I mean that'll teach her!" he said, trying to keep up the act that he was one them.

The mare simply laughed at the suggestion. "Since you're a recruit I'll let that one go. You see, the hydra do not allow mercy. Once punishment or battle had begun, it may not be stopped until one side is either dead or suffering eternally. Now I'll ask again, do you have the strength, or do you think she is worthy of life?"

Big Mac gulped and decided that if that was the case then he could do nothing for her. If he tried to save her then they would attack and they would both die. Better to have one of them come out alive. "I have the strength" he said, managing to keep his voice from shaking.

"Then take this torch and set her wings aflame." the mare said.

Big Mac took it in his mouth and walked up to Derpy. She looked at him with eyes screaming for mercy. He felt bad for her, and actually wanted to help her. He however, maintained a blank expression. He stuck the end of the torch to her right wing and it instantly burst into flames. He recoiled in surprise, having thought that it would take longer.

"Oh yeah, we put gasoline on them so don't get your face too close" the mare managed to say over the agonizing screams.

'Now you tell me' he thought before lighting the other wing, resulting in the screams becoming even louder. Big Mac was disturbed to hear laughter behind him, and he was beginning to think that these people weren't just crazy, they were satanic.

"Her wings seems to be charred well enough, now put the fire out before it spreads!" she yelled and two ponies came up with fire extinguishers and put them out. They exited and the mare turned to Big Mac. "Ready for the next part?"

'Hell no you crazy bitch' he thought. "Yeah" he said.

"Good" she said. Another pony walked up to her and handed her a cow brand...shaped like a muffin. "Now her favorite thing in to world shall be forever embedded into her skull!"

"YAH!

Big Mac's eyes widened in horror. 'These people must hate Derpy or something' he thought to himself, 'Do they even know how much those things hurt?'

"From this brand, she shall feel the fire of hell!" the mare shouted.

"Yep, pretty much"

She gave the brand to Big Mac and he turned to Derpy to see that she had tears streaming down her face. "Just as a fair warning," he whispered in her ear, "this is gonna hurt like a motherbucker." She began to sob even harder. He stepped a little bit back to give himself the proper distance, and aimed the brand at her forehead. However, when he thrusted it, he accidentally hit her eye instead. When he looked to see where he hit, he couldn't help but feel bad for a second. He took it off of her and saw that her right eye was cooked. It kinda looked like she had an eye-patch in the shape of a muffin.

She fainted from the pain, and the same ponies from before came with water balloons and threw three at her face before running off. She babbled some gibberish and then woke up, panting like a dog. "Please...please let me go" she said shakily.

The mare thought about it for a second "Yeah, we'll let you go to hell!" The group burst into a fit of laughter, though Derpy didn't find it so amusing.

"You people are sick! Torturing ponies like this, it's unforgivable" she shouted. "And you!" she shouted, turning her head to Big Mac, "You're the worst! Acting like you actually give a crap about me! Well, I got news for you, you're as sick as the rest of these psychos! You're a terrible pony!"

Big Mac dipped his head head in shame, but was surprised to hear a high-pitched voice come from the crowd. "Hey, he's not a terrible pony" the voice said, followed by the sound of tiny hoofsteps on the stage, "he's just a terrible pony to you because you suck!"

Big Mac looked up and was surprised to see Sweetie Belle, one of Applebloom's friends. "I mean, just because he worships a species of four-headed beasts that rip apart whatever they can get their...um...heads on, doesn't make him a bad pony!" the young filly continued.

The mare looked at Sweetie Belle in disgust. "Seriously? What about the part where he strings ponies onto a cross and sets their wings on fire?"

Sweetie Belle smiled at this statement. "That's called family bonding! Because in this cult, we're a family! We eat lunches together, we play together, we kill together, we stay together!"

"Now that's just-" Derpy was never able to finish that sentence because at that moment, she got socked in the jaw with the cutest punch that has ever knocked someone the fuck out.

"Now shut up!" the filly yelled at the mare before running back into the audience.

"Hydradamnit" the mare in the robe said in an aggravated tone, "water!" As she said that, the ponies from before came on stage and threw a second set of water balloons at the mailmare.

She snapped her head back with her eyes as wide as saucers. She looked around, then lowered her head and began to sob. "Alright, alright, you win! I want to die, okay? Just kill me and get it over with!"

"Oh, giving up already? It's a little early, we haven't even melted your hooves yet!

"Yes, just do it!"

"Aww, well to keep to fun going why don't we skip straight to throwing flaming rocks at you? If you're gonna be a sorry-sport about it then we it's no fun, is it?" she said with a smile. "Begin passing out the flame-proof gloves, then pass out the flaming rocks!"

The ponies who threw the water balloons began giving the items to all the ponies, including Big Macintosh. 'This actually would be fun for me if we weren't killing a pony' he thought to himself, 'Well, if I'm doing it I might as well like it. I mean, a bunch of other ponies are doing it too, so that means I'm not as bad of a pony for doing it, right?'

"Big Macintosh," the mare said, "as a new recruit you get the first shot at her."

He took the rock in his gloved hoof and looked at Derpy. He took a few seconds to aim, then reared back and took the shot. It hit her square in the jaw, causing her to recoil and hit her head on the cross. When he looked at where it hit her, he saw that it had broken her jaw and left a burn mark covering most of her right cheek.

"Way to go Big Mac!"

"Nice shot!"

"Now THAT'S a man, Henry!"

The crowd applauded him for his shot, and he couldn't help but smile. "Now then," the mare said, "the rest of you, FIRE!"

The second she said so, the crowd sent a wave of fire and rock flying at Derpy. It hit her and caused the cross to collapse, her with it. When the last rock had flown overhead, Big Mac and the mare went to see what was left of her corpse. The rest of the ponies went around the stage to see the results as well.

Big Mac was amazed at what her saw. He still couldn't believe a stone cross that was at least six inches thick was taken down by the shear number of rocks thrown at it, not to mention what had been done to her body. Her chest had been torn in half, her right forearm was missing and her left hind leg was holding on by a thread. Several stone and rock fragments lay implanted in her skin. One rock had skidded across her stomach and it had left a trail of torn skin and blood. Most of her body was charred and beaten, the worst being her face. It had collapsed in on itself, making her almost unrecognizable. Both her hair and the muffin brand from earlier had been completely obliterated. It was quite gruesome, though it called in cheers and laughter from the group. The mare beside him simply smiled, most likely having done this kind of thing a thousand times. Big Mac suspected that she does more killing than just these rituals.

When they were done with their rejoicing, the mare called them to a picnic area that had been set up nearby. Big Mac expected it to be pony meat that they would serve or something, but it was just a regular picnic. He actually had fun, and even talked to a few ponies who really liked how he had handled himself (apparently most beginners puke). He was halfway done with desert when he heard the sound of tiny hoofsteps behind him.

"Hey Big Mac, nice job out there. I never knew you had it in you!" said a high-pitched filly. Big Mac turned around to see Sweetie Belle.

He smiled as he looked at the filly. "Thanks Sweetie Belle. Ya didn't do bad yourself. Ya know, I was surprised when I saw you, I didn't expect somepony like ya to be in anything like this."

"Yeah, I only joined a few months ago" she said, "Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to be on a team with me."

Big Mac raised an eyebrow, "What's a team for?"

"A team is two ponies who work together to complete the Fertoga's challenges together."

"Aaaand what are the Fertoga's challenges?"

Sweetie snickered at how new he was, "Sometimes you'll get a letter outside your door (or cave entrance, if you're one of those ponies) and it'll tell you to do a certain task. If you don't do it or you fail, you are taken as a sacrifice. When you team up, you both get whatever this task may be and you can do it either together or have individually, if one of you is sick. However, all the other members say that I'm too young, so they don't want me on their team." she said sadly.

Big Mac shrugged, "Ah guess so, sure Ah'll be on your team Sweetie Belle."

She started bouncing up and down. "Alright! I'll go and tell Grandmaster!" she said before galloping over to the mare from earlier.

'So she goes by Grandmaster, eh? Guess Ah'll just have to remember that' he thought to himself. He looked around at the group of ponies that he had just recently joined. He never figured he would be the one to make friends with murderers. He thought about how his sister had been right, and having hobbies was a great thing to do on the side. He went back to eating his food, satisfied that he was no longer bored.