Why we don't teleport bread

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Comedy, Ahuizotl, Random, Pinkie Pie, Daring Do, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2792

Twilight is asked why you can't teleport bread; she delivers a tale of bready tumours and monsters.

For over a thousand years, the power to teleport things has been a high-level spell that unicorns can perform. But when Pinkie Pie hits upon a strange rule (to her) Twilight has to explain things to the pink pony.

EDIT: Holy cowbell, how the heck did this get featured? This is. well, not anywhere near my best work. How? HOW?

Published 2014-06-20 11:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-20 11:50:04 UTC

But

Twilight looked her friends over. Each of them a great mare in her own right, every last one of them worth their salt. Interestingly, the term 'worth their salt,' as she recalled, came from the Pre-Discordian era, from the Neighman Empire. It had been a huge empire of unicorns, and had predated the classical system. They had had a lot of cultural and artistic advances, and what had been a major sticking point was that they paid their soldiers in salt, thus originating the colloquialism. And there she was, rambling on inside her head while her friends looked at her in a funny way. She coughed awkwardly into her hoof.

The point was, they were the best friends she could ask for. She smiled at them. This was a normal, friendly smile, not her 'immenent freak-out smile.' They'd seen that smile a lot during the preparation for this trip.
"First of all, I would like to thank you for accompanying me to the latest archaeological dig in the Alexandrian River."
Applejack waved her concerns off. "Ah shucks Twi, t'ain't nothin'. We'd go anyway, right girls?" Applejack smiled weakly, but understood that there was no getting out of this one.

Rainbow Dash looked at Applejack. "Really? Why are we going to this egghead thing anyway?"

Twilight glared at Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, this is archaeology. I thought you liked archaeology?"

Rainbow shook her head, while doing a casual loop-the-loop. "No, I LIKE Daring Do. Or A.K Yearling. Or... whatever she calls herself." She frowned. "Actually, does Ahuizotl know her as Daring Do or as A.K. Yearling?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "What? It's an important question. Tell you what: if he shows up, we'll have to hear his response. I'll pay you... ten bits if he talks about A.K Yearling foiling one of his schemes. Not that he'll show up."
She did another casual flip. "He only shows up for REAL archaeology, like ruined temples in the jungle."

Twilight continued glaring at her. "But this is real archaeology, Rainbow! Not that what A.K Yearling does is not archaeology," she amended hastily when Rainbow Dash glared at her, "but this has incredible historical value!"

Her eyes lit up as she explained with several magical diagrams. "You see, the ancient library of Alexandria was one of the greatest repositories of knowledge from the pre-Discordian era! if it was found, it might change our views on the pre-Discordian era entirely!"

Rainbow Dash was unimpressed. Nevertheless, Twilight continued pressing forwards.
"There might be tales of heroes doing things we never considered! Like beating up a dragon! Or... doing a Sonic Rainboom!"

Rainbow was still unimpressed.

"Or... a pony beating a dragon with a Sonic Rainboom!" She smiled awkwardly, hoping that this would impress the stubborn pegasus.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. Twilight took that as a bad sign and sighed, before remembering her ace in the hole.

"Besides, A.K Yearling is going to be on the dig-site-"

Rainbow grabbed her friend in a headlock. "Okay, you got me convinced. Let's get teleporting-"

Twilight held up a hoof. "Hold up, Rainbow Dash. Before we teleport, I have to ask all of you an important safety question."

Her gaze swept along the group. They tensed up inside. Rarity discreetly checked her hat, Fluttershy hid behind her mane, Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, Applejack pulled her hat down and Pinkie Pie smiled widely. Twilight's safety checks were legendary. Don't get them wrong, they loved her, but her paranoia about safety had led to them receiving several immunisations, signing their wills, organising several weeks of clothing despite the trip only being one day, and several high-power protection spells being cast on the entire group. It had only been through Spike's intervention with a handy, heavy book that had stopped a full-body search for 'dangerous insects.'

Twilight looked at them seriously. "Are any of you carrying bread, or wheat-based products?" The group looked at her as if she'd lost her mind. She, in turn, looked at them with a frown. "Hey, this is important. Seriously, any wheat or bread?"

Applejack looked at her askance. "Whoa, whoa, whoa there, sugarcube. No wheat or bread? Why?"

Twilight shrugged. "Trust me, bread and teleportation do not mix well together. Please trust me on this." She stared at Applejack, who was still not buying it. "Please?"

Applejack held her gaze for a bit, then sighed. "Alright, Twi. Guess that we'll only have the haybread sandwiches, the cornbread, and the apples for lunch." So saying, she pulled out the picnic basket, and removed several plates of sandwiches (Applejack liked to pack in bulk.)

Pinkie Pie was curious. "So... why the sandwich ban?"

She zoomed up on to Twilight's head, eliciting an exasperated stare from Twilight. "So, I can't take this magnificent hoagie sandwich with twelve different flavours of chutney, three different varieties of hay, tomato, pickles, roses, cookies, capsicum, cheese, secret sauce, mayo, twelve different hot-sauces, 3.145 pieces of an onion, peanuts, chocolate icing and miscellaneous ingredients?"

Twilight looked at the sandwich in question. It was huge, about the size of Pinkie's head. The entire thing looked like an explosion in a Deli had happened between two foot-long pieces of wholemeal bread. There was only one answer that she could give. "No."

Pinkie's bottom lip started to quiver and her pupils increased in size dramatically. Nevertheless, Twilight held out against the puppy-dog eyes assault. "I'm not trying to be mean, Pinkie. And that sandwich does look..."

She spared a glance at the monster sandwich that Pinkie Pie was holding. It oozed a little, the sauce burning a small crater in the ground. Twilight struggled to find a word that wouldn't cause Pinkie Pie to erupt into a fountain of tears, and settled on a word that was both true and reflected her opinion on the sandwich honestly. Besides, Pinkie probably didn't know what the word meant. Probably.

"...it looks cyclopean, to be honest with you, and I'm glad that it's not all sweets, but it's just..."

Pinkie Pie's eyes had reached their maximum width. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, ready to deploy at a moment's notice. Winona walked through the area, sensed that there was a situation that required the sad dog eyes and focused her soulful gaze on Twilight. This almost brought her will down, but she still resisted. With all the effort she could muster, she telekinetically gripped the sandwich and threw it away, and before Pinkie could object she teleported the entire group into the Alexandrian river basin.

It was quite beautiful, and it took their breath away. In the distance, a small town did good business, the bustle of the marketplace barely audible. The digsite they had teleported to was filled with myriad workers of several different races, not all of them ponies. Diamond Dogs did the main digging, tearing through the brick-red dust of the basin. The mighty minotaurs carried heavy support beams, occasionally flexing their gargantuan muscles at passersby. Griffins and pegasi kept the weather manageably shady, moving clouds into position. The sight was incredible. Only then did they remember Twilight's silly rule about the bread and turned to her again. Pinkie Pie in particular glared at her, mourning the loss of her foot-long sandwich.

"Twi? I-I didn't think you'd be that mean!"

Twilight loked at her with a downcast expression. "I'm sorry, it's just that you can never teleport bread. It's just not right."

Pinkie Pie glared at Twilight. "Why's that? Discord teleports bread all the time!"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, but that's because it's Discord! Do you expect him to make any sense?"

Pinkie Pie had to concede that point, and did so by pulling up a random blackboard (which she kept in her mane incase of blackboard emergencies) and marked the score down with a piece of chalk. "I concede your point, Twilight," here she applied her glasses-and-funny nose combination to make her seem more serious, "but you haven't given us a reason for why."

Twilight was about to say something when she paused, reqound that, blinked briefly, then nodded. "Alright, I suppose that I didn't explain... alright, girls, come closer, because I'm only going to say this once."

The other members of the Mane Six came closer. Twilight looked at them. "The truth of the matter is, bread cannot be teleported because it develops, well, tumours." She paused after that, then shook her head. "Actually, it's not so much tumours as they are self-aware lumps of yeast. Something to do with the chemical make-up of an environment of pure wheat-"

Applejack waved a hoof in her face. "Ah'm gonna have to stahp ya right there, sugarcube. You're saying that bread... develops lumps inside of it."

Twilight nodded earnestly. Applejack sighed and shook her head. "That sounds like a load of horseapples ta me."

Twilight's face fell. "No, it's actually well-documented. Starswirl the Bearded even wrote a book on the phenomenon. It's called Why you don't teleport wheat-based products. It's a very good read-"

Pinkie Pie cut her off by shoving her hoof into Twilight's mouth. "But aren't you a super-duper alicorn Princess of magic? Can't you just go 'teleporty-spell that doesn't cause bread-monsters to appear' and be done with it?"
Twilight sighed. "Magic doesn't work that way, Pinkie. It's just not, well, within the laws of magic! And countless unicorns have tried to solve the problem, but all they have to show for it are loaves of bread filled with pulsing green lumps."

"Eew." The Mane Six chorused as one. Rarity in particular was disgusted.

"No wonder why bread is not teleported to the major cities of the world. Imagine cutting open a loaf and finding horrid... lumps inside. It would be the-"

"Worst possible thing, amiright?" Rainbow Dash chortled, raising her hoof for a high-five. When nopony returned the gesture she scowled.
"I'll remember that the next time you want a high-five. Let's see how you like being let hanging."

Before she could really complain, A.K Yearling came up to them. She gave a cursory nod to Twilight, then focused on Rainbow Dash. "Hey. How's my number one fan going?"
Rainbow Dash promptly fainted from sheer joy. A.K. Yearling sighed, turning to Twilight once again.
"So, you're here for the dig, Princess? I suppose that's good, especially if Ahuizotl is up to his old-"

She immediately slammed a hoof to her mouth, but it was too late. Murphy's Law sensed that things were going too well for her, and it sent an agent in the form of Ahuizotl. The monstrous, azure, vaguely simean but mostly feline creature appeared on the horizon, and immediately made a beeline for them.

"Haha! I finally have you in my clutches... A.K. Yearling!" He snarled, pointing at the archaeologist cum writer, who for her part just stared at him with a bored expression on her face. They'd done this song and dance so many times before, it was honestly wearing a bit thin on her patience. Then again, Ahuizotl would never give up so long as there was treasure and ancient temples in the world, and neither would she.

Twilight poked Rainbow Dash awake. Rainbow Dash, head still buzzing, almost didn't notice Twilight withdrawing ten bits from Rainbow Dash's saddlebags as Ahuizotl continued his monologue.

"So, A.K. Yearling, you are digging up the ancient library of Alexandria, in order to withdraw its famous tomes! Well, so am I. And to accomplish this goal-"

A large minotaur tapped his shoulder. Ahuizotl turned to the minotaur, snarling. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

The minotaur was unfazed. He crossed his burly arms, setting his heavy wheelbarrow down and focusing on Ahuizotl. "Yeah, mr Whoever you are, would you mind moving? Some of us have a job to do."

Ahuizotl moved aside. "Oh, of course, don't let my villainous monologue stop you or anything," he commented drily. The minotaur, having never heard of sarcasm on the grounds that it was some kind of weird foreign food, stolidly moved through, pushing a wheelbarrow of sand. Ahuizotl watched him to, mumbling cursewords under his breath. He then coughed, returning to his monologue.

"Anyway, I have been thinking long and hard on how to beat you and any friends you may have brought along, so I... have teleported bread."

Twilight's eyes widened. "Wait. How much bread have you teleported?"

Ahuizotl smirked. "I have done nothing but teleport bread for the past three days."

Twilight's eye twitched and her mane caught on fire. "Where?! Where have you been sending the bread-"

With that, a giant, mutated loaf of bread crashed onto the scene, surrounded by a shimmering blue glow. It roared, with huge jaws filled with sharp white fangs, and its grotesque body bulged with glowing green lumps. Pinkie Pie looked at Twilight.
"...right, probably not a good idea to have bread then."

Ahuizotl laughed menacingly as his bread-abomination advanced. "Run! Run in fear, A.K. Yearling! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Applejack looked at her with a lidded gaze, half of disbelief and half of sheer exasperation. "So this is what happens when you teleport bread, right?"

Twilight shook her head. "You'd have to deliberately teleport bread continuously in order for it to reach this kind of gestalt state of being. It takes literally thousands of exposures to teleportation for this sort of thing to even happen! It's going to be a tough one to beat, that's for sure." Pinkie Pie nodded, already withdrawing the Party Cannon. After all, this was sort of like the time with the Parasprites, though Twilight had fortunately stopped the incident in question at the source this time.

"Party Cannon ready to go!" She assaulted the giant loaf of bread with assorted party materials, temporarily driving the beast off. Meanwhile, the workers had finally shaken off their surprise and were getting right into fighting it. Unicorns hit it with high-power magic spells, Diamond Dogs and Minotaurs were tearing into its huge, bready body with incredible ferocity, and the pegasi and griffins above caused a torrential downpour, rendering the gigantic bread beast soggy and inedible. A.K yearling herself got right up close to it, furiously kicking and punching it, unminding of the green tumour juice that was covering her. This bread beast was threatening the integrity of the digsite, and she would be damned if she would allow this bread monster to damage a single artifact. It roared, even louder, and assaulted the workers with its writhing tentacles. Twilight Sparkle hit it with as many blasts as she could, while Applejack kept bucking it. Unfortunately, its soggy, bready body absorbed the impact of these blows.

Twilight Sparkle slumped. There seemed to be no way to beat this thing; any damage they did to it was superficial at beast, as it just absorbed force. Teleporting it away would only worsen the problem. It only she could throw it away from the dig site somehow, that would solve the problem. But the important thing was to throw the bread monster away in such a way that it would never threaten anypony again...

Twilight's eyes shot open as a plan formed within her mind. This... this could work! "Hang on, girls! I have a plan!" With that, she closed her eyes, focusing on the magic within her. Calling on it, she gripped the mutated loaf of bread with her aura, and lifted it up. Though it was a lot heavier than she gave it credit for, she could still lift it. She strained, looking for Ahuizotl. This would deal with two birds with one stone. Suddenly, she heard the beating of wings, and A.K. Yearling flew up, sticky and green but otherwise unharmed.
"Over there, Princess. Get him good." Twilight nodded, trusting in A.K. Yearling's sense of direction, and threw the bread monster with as much force as she could muster.

Meanwhile, Ahuizotl was furiously digging. He'd intended for the bread monster to be a distraction, while he dug through the sand in search for the ancient library. Unfortunately, this was harder work than he'd anticipated, even with all the progress the team had made here.
"Hey, Ahuizotl!" He turned, just in time to see a wall of mutated bread being flung at him telekinetically.

With a muffled curse, he and his bread monster were thrown into the sea. The bread monster roared frantically and tried to pull itself to shore, but its bready body started to break apart in the water, falling into smaller chunks. Eventually, it was gone. As Ahuizotl washed out to sea, he glared at the assembled ponies. "Curse you all, but especially you... A.K. Yearling!"

Rainbow Dash glared at Twilight. "You already got your money, Twilight. I'm not paying you again."

Author's Note

Inspired by this:

This is awesome.