The Reprint and Repackaging of Equestria Girls

by LivingDeadGirl

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 4147

A slightly more realistic take on Equestria Girls as told through the eyes of Canterlot High's Campus Security Officer

Welcome to the Prestigious Canterlot High School located in the wonderful city of Canterlot New York and home to the famous Wondercolts'. Where in these hallowed halls of learning your child will experience the best education possible to prepare them for the next step towards Adult Hood. With our staff full of experts in their respective fields of study that are all more than willing to do everything in their power to make sure their students succeed, there is nothing that the world can throw at them that we have not prepared them for. Also counted among our staff is a trained Veteran Officer of the Law so you can rest easy knowing that your child is in a safe and secured learning environment. So enroll your child today and see the wonderful things the future holds for them!

Canterlot High and its Faculty are not responsible for instances of the following including but not limited to: Magic Crowns, Magic Portals to Alternate Realities, Demonic Possesion, Demon Zombie Mind Control, The Appearance of Magic Pony Princesses, Random Transformations Into Human Pony Hybrids, Talking Dogs, and Weaponized Friendship.

Warning the following story is rated teen for instances of the following:

Bullying
Adult Language
Implied rape
Implied sexual situations
Crude humor
Mentions of Domestic Violence
The use of non lethal firearms
20% more realistic character reactions to the absurdity of the Equestria Girls' Plotline

This story also contains full humanized names as pioneered by Mariacheat-Brony

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-20 03:49:16 UTC

Through the Mirror Redux

Messiah Studios Presents:

“Distance to target seventy meters,” a feminine voice murmured as a slender hand adjusted a small dial atop the scope of metal and glass mounted on the rifle held firmly in its owner’s arms.

In Association with Death Lands Pictures and Ill Breed Underground:

“Wind direction,” the voice paused as a finger was raised, the tip slightly damp with saliva “south by south west.”  Another adjustment was made to another dial, this one positioned on the left side of the scope.

A Kinder’s Krieg Production:

“Speed…” the owner of the rifle paused once more allowing the gentle breeze blowing through the small meadow to pass over them “point five miles at the most.”  The third and final dial on the scope was adjusted to take into account the mentioned variable bringing the target fully into the rifle’s crosshairs.

Produced by Shadownomicon Films Ltd.

“Squeeze the trigger, don’t pull,” thought the shooter as their right index finger gently wrapped its self around the firing mechanism.  “Exhale slowly and…”

Click

Thwip

Based off the Characters Created for Television by Lauren Faust

With puff of compressed carbon dioxide, the steel dart left the barrel of the tranquilizer rifle at roughly four hundred feet per second, quickly traveling the short distance across the vibrant green meadow and connecting solidly with its intended target, a long eared rabbit the color of fresh snow.

The Reprint and Repackaging of Equestria Girls

“Ha! That’ll teach you to eat the Gardening Club’s produce you furry little Scheißkerl!” The Prestigious Canterlot High’s Campus Security Officer and Unofficial Grounds Keeper, Mia Krieger exclaimed in triumph as she stood from her prone position on the ground behind the school’s green house, her back making several satisfying cracks as she did so.

“Now to get you back to your owner before you cause any more damage,” she muttered to herself, shouldering her gas powered rifle before picking up the forest green pet carrier that had been resting on the ground beside her and striding across the grounds behind the school toward the unconscious form of the infamous rabbit known as Angel Bunny.  Upon reaching the little trouble maker, Mia knelt down and plucked the small stainless steel dart from the bunny’s right haunch, disposing of the spent ammunition in the padded, bright red bio-hazard pouch strapped to her left thigh.  After checking over Angel to make sure he was asleep and not actually dead, his owner would most likely have a conniption if that was the case, and wiping away the small amount of blood left by the dart with an alcohol swab produced from one of the many pockets of her camo green coveralls, Mia gently picked up the sleeping rodent and placed him inside the carrier, closing and locking it in the process.

“Let’s see, today is Wednesday so that means she’s probably by the statue handing out fliers,” Mia glanced down at her watch “7:15, if I hurry I should be able to catch her before classes start,” with that thought, the Campus Security Officer set off down the path that lead to the front plaza humming a simple tune to herself as she went.

Upon rounding the corner, Mia encountered the usual gaggle of students milling about the front entrance.  After scanning the crowd for a moment her eyes finally landed on a young girl sporting a familiar shock of pastel pink hair standing right where Mia thought she would be.

“Guten morgen, Faye!”  Mia called out, slipping back into her native German as she made her way through the crowd to the girl in question.

“Oh!” Faye Chylene squeaked out, jumping in surprise at being addressed.  “G-guten m-morgen, Miss Krieger.”

Mia sighed and shook her head at the girl’s skittishness. “It’s just Mia, Faye.  Miss Krieger was my mother.”

“O-oh, so-sorry,” she stammered out looking around nervously.  “Was there something you wanted from me?”

“Actually I believe I have something that belongs to you,” Mia replied holding up the pet carrier containing the sleeping scourge of vegetable kind.

“Oh Angel Bunny!” the Pinkette exclaimed worriedly, grabbing the carrier out of the woman’s grasp.  “He’s not...”

“Dead?” Mia finished for the girl.  “No, he’s just taking a little nap.  I caught him raiding the Garden Club’s vegetable patch again.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I had no idea he had escaped, and he’s usually so well behaved.”

The Security Officer raised an eyebrow at the timid student’s comment.

“Look Faye,” Mia began, pulling the girl’s attention away from fretting over her unconscious pet.  “I like you, you’re a good kid, but you know it’s against school rules to bring non service animals onto school property.  If I keep covering for you every time one of your pets escapes I’m going to lose my job.”

“I’m sorry Mia, but I’d just feel so terrible if I left them at home all alone!”

Mia let out a sigh of defeat.  It was nearly impossible for her to say no to Faye, the girl was just too sweet and kind.

“Fine,” she finally let out at length. “But the next time Angel or any of the others makes a break for it I’m reporting it to Principal Celeste.  So I suggest you start keeping a closer eye on them. Bin Ich verstanden?"

Faye nodded, clutching the carrier close to her yellow sweater clad chest.

“Gut.  Now go lock that nuisance up before I change my mind,” commanded the young woman of German descent.

“He’s not a nuisance,” Faye muttered under her breath as she walked away.  She did not care what anyone else thought Angel was a good bunny.

“I heard that.”

“Eeep!”

“Great now I feel bad,” Mia thought as she watched Faye walk off dejectedly.  The Grounds Keeper really did not mean to come across as cruel, but she really was putting her career on the line by covering for the young animal activist.  She really did care about the shy teenager, almost like she was a younger sibling that needed to be protected.  Given the pink haired girl’s nature it was not like she could really defend herself.

With a sigh Mia called out after the animal lover before she could get out of earshot.  “Faye, wait a minute.”

Upon hearing her named being called, the junior year student paused in her escape and turned to face the woman dressed in dark green coveralls once more.

“Would you like me to hand out those fliers while you’re taking care of Angel?”

“Um… if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I’d appreciate it.  If y-ou want to that is…”

“It’s not a problem, not like I have anything else to do right now,” Mia responded.  Which was true, there really was not anything that required her immediate attention until after classes started.  Frankly the capture of the rouge rabbit was probably the most interesting thing that was going to happen to the raven haired Security Officer that morning.

“Thank you Miss Mia,” Faye said before handing Mia the stack of crème colored papers.

“Yeah, yeah, now get,” Mia waved off the words of thanks performing a shooing motion with her left hand while the right clasped the fliers.  Without another word Faye scampered off to the school building proper.

“Ordnung, time to get started,” Mia murmured softly glancing down at the fliers.

This weekend only

Half off adoption fees

At The Shed Animal Shelter

Wide variety of animals for all ages and types

All available to good homes

“Half off adoption fees huh…maybe I should stop by on Saturday, I’m sure Mr. Mumbles would enjoy having a play mate.” Mia pondered before giving a half hearted shrug and taking up position by the Wondercolts’ Statue.

Just as Mia’s attention started to wander away from her current task a blue haired teen wearing a leather jacket with a shield emblem embroidered on the shoulders walked past.  He was the Swedish exchange student’s ex-boyfriend if she recalled correctly.  Not that she ever really paid any attention to the personal lives of the students.  Except for a select few, Mia tended to ignore the student population of the high school.  As long as they did not break the rules or attempt to do anything illegal on school grounds that is.

“Hey Brad,” she called out as he passed by.

“Um, my name’s not Brad, it’s Flash,” Flash Gordon, Canterlot’s star running back and front man to a so far unnamed garage band responded.  If you have not already guessed, his parents are fans of classic science fiction.

“Yeah, don’t care, you have any pets?”

“No, why?”

“You want one?”

“Not really…” Flash trailed off unsure where the Security Officer was going with this line of questioning.

“Too bad you’re going to adopt one this weekend.”  It was not a suggestion, but a command.

“Why should I do that?” Flash demanded becoming frustrated.

“Because if you don’t I’ll tell Faye that you hate animals and it will make her cry.  You don’t want to make Faye cry do you?”  Mia threatened leaning forward, her piercing green eyes boring through Flash’s own blue orbs and into his very soul.

“I don’t even know who that is!”  The teen shouted, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

“The pink haired girl your ex used to pick on all the time.  Which you never did anything to stop, don’t think I don’t know about that.”  The raven haired woman responded coldly, her eyes narrowing by just a fraction.  A fraction was all it took.

“Alright fine I’ll adopt one, just stop starring at me like that!”  Flash exclaimed finally caving in.

“Wunderbar,” Mia smiled; it was not a nice smile.  She had no tolerance for bullies especially bullies who picked on those who could not defend themselves.  Despite the fact that Flash had never been directly involved with the bullying he had also not done anything to stop it either, which to Mia was just as bad as if he had been holding the victims down during their torment.  Though him breaking up with his sadist of a girlfriend, the exchange student Svetlana Summers, had improved her opinion of him, if only somewhat.

“Now why don’t you take some fliers and give them to your buddies and get them to come down with you.  After all the more the merrier,” Instructed Mia practically shoving a handful of the fliers into Flash’s hands.  The blue haired running back grabbed the proffered handouts and took off making good use of his talents on the football field in an eager attempt to get away from the “scary lady”.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on him, wasn’t his fault his girlfriend was a hündin…nah” With a shrug Mia dismissed that particular train of thought and returned to handing out the fliers.  Unfortunately her conversation with Flash had taken longer than she had expected and most of the students had already begun to make their way to homeroom leaving the plaza relatively empty with the exception being two sophomores that Mia recognized as Svetlana’s lackeys Sid and Sheldon who for some strange reason were carrying shopping bags as they approached her.

Mia was about to question them about what exactly the two were doing out here instead of heading to class, but before she could call out to them something solid and decidedly metal collided with the back of her head with a painful…

Thwack!

“Hurensohn!!” Mia cursed in equal parts pain and surprise, rubbing the back of her skull in an attempt to ease the throbbing.  She glanced around attempting to locate the offending object that had the gall to strike her.

“Was zur Hölle!? Is that a Tiara!?”  Mia shouted incredulously as her eyes finally found the object responsible for the growing knot on the back of her head.  “Wer zum Teufel throws a Gott Verdammt Tiara at somebody!!”

“Um Miss Krieger you alright?” A dull sounding voice questioned.  Mia whipped her head around and leveled her gaze on the pair of boys who had been walking towards her before she had been struck by the gaudy piece of jewelry now gripped firmly in her hands.

“No, I’m not alright Sheldon,” She growled out answering the taller of the pair’s previous inquiry.  “What are you two doing out here anyway?”

“We were waiting for Svetlana, she asked us to meet her out here,” the short and rather rotund Sid supplied.

Mia crossed her arms and raised a skeptical eyebrow as she continued to glare at the pair.  “And the shopping bags?”

“It’s her dry cleaning?”  Sheldon replied though it came out sounding more like a question than a statement.

“Right, and would you two gentlemen happen to know what this is?”  She inquired waving the golden head piece around.  “Huh, this thing is actually kind of cool looking.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gem that particular shade of purple before at least not one shaped like a star.”  Mia thought as she finally got a good look at the head gear.

“It looks like the Crown Svetlana was talking about st…Ooof!”  Sheldon gasped as Sid elbowed him in the stomach before he could finish his statement.

“The Crown that Svetlana was talking about doing what with?”  The Security Officer interrogated.

“Winning!  She was talking about winning it!  You know, ‘cus she always wins the Princess of the Fall Formal Competition!”  Sid exclaimed his eyes darting about nervously.

“So this is the Crown for this year’s Fall Formal?”

Sid and Sheldon both nodded.

“So let me get this straight, you two just happened to be out here waiting for Svetlana Summers, the girl who always wins the Princess of the Fall Formal Competition, with her ‘dry cleaning’, “Mia stated making air quotes with her fingers when she said dry cleaning “when the Crown who goes to the winner of the competition just magically appears out of nowhere and beans me in the head.  Did I get it all?”

“Well when you put it like that it makes us look pretty suspicious,” Sheldon said.

Mia let out a groan of annoyance.  “You two really aren’t all that bright are you?”

“Ummm…”

“It was a rhetorical question,” Mia ground out in frustration.  “Look I’m feeling generous today so here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to return the Crown to Principal Celeste’s office and I won’t mention that you two and your boss were trying to steal it.  But if either of you or Svetlana step one toe out of line I’ll make sure Vice Principal Luna bans all three of you from any and all future school functions.  Wir sind klar?”

“Umm Wir sind what now?” Asked Sid confused.

“Wir sind Klar!” Mia snapped.  “It means are we clear?!”

“Yes Ma’am!”

“Crystal clear ma’am!”

“Gut, now get to class before you give me a reason to change my mind.”  With that said the two delinquents scampered off.

“Dummkopfs,” Muttered the irate Officer as she too made her way to the school in order to return the stolen crown to the Principal.

Knock knock knock

“It’s open!”  The warm, almost motherly voice of one Principal Celeste Helios called through the oaken door of her office.  Taking a deep breath, Mia pushed open the door and stepped into the inner sanctum of the woman who kept the building full of hormone driven angst from falling apart.

“Ah, Officer Krieger to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”  Questioned Celeste, looking up from the paper work spread out on her polished redwood desk gracing the other woman with one of her famous benevolent smiles.

“I came to return this to you Ma’am,” replied the Officer, placing the jewel encrusted golden Tiara on the desk.

“Oh?”  The Principal’s eyebrows rose slightly in surprise at seeing the Crown before her.  “And how did you happen to come across this?”  Celeste was positive that the Fall Formal Crown was locked up in the file cabinet that sat in the back corner of her cozily decorated office.

“Well that’s just the thing, it sort of come out of nowhere,” Mia responded.  For the most part the statement was true she was not all that sure where exactly the Crown had come from other than Sid and Sheldon having something to do with it.

“Are you sure?”

Mia glanced around the office a moment taking in all the pictures and decorations designed to make the office feel more inviting and homey while trying to come up with something to say.  Briefly her eyes landed on the series of pictures on the right wall that showed the previous winners of the Fall Formal Crown, all showcasing Svetlana who had won the last three years in a row.

“Yes ma’am,” she finally answered as her attention returned to the woman with hair the same color of the Aura Borealis before her.  “I was standing out by the Wondercolts’ statue in the front plaza handing out Fliers for Faye’s Animal Shelter when it smacked me in the back of the head.”

“So you were hit from behind with it?”

Mia nodded in conformation.

“I see, and you have no idea from where it came?” Principal Helios pressed.

“No ma’am, If I had to hazard a guess some seniors thought it would be a funny prank to break into your office and steal it and then harass the other students by throwing it at them.  They may have been aiming for Faye, but since I was taking her place I was the one who ended up getting hit.  Though I suppose that’s better that it was me instead of her, poor girl has enough problems.”

“Hmmm,” Celeste hummed thoughtfully, crossing her white suit jacket covered arms across her modest chest while tapping her bottom lip with a tanned index finger.

“You’ve become rather attached to Miss Chylene,” the principal finally said after several moments of mentally reviewing what her Campus Security Officer had told her.  “I should not have to worry about anything inappropriate going between the two of you, do I?”

Mia’s eyes emerald green eyes flew open in shock at the pseudo accusation.

“Wha-? what!?  No of course not!!”  The Officer sputtered sounding much like the girl she was just implied as having been intimate with.  “She’s ten years younger than me!  What in Hölle would posses you to even say that!?”

“Be that as it may, it is my job as Principal to ensure the well being of my students and the amount of time you seem to spend around some of the younger students is a little disconcerting,”  Principal Celeste stated evenly.  “And I would appreciate it if you did not curse in my presence.”

Taking a deep, calming breath, she slowly exhaled and unclenched her fist which had unconsciously balled up during her brief outburst.

“My apologies Ma’am, but for someone to imply that I would be doing something like that!”  Mia replied spitting out the last word of her statement like it was venom.

“You know me better than that Celeste, but I suppose I can kind of see where you’re coming from,” she finally spoke after calming down.  “I mean the person you hired to help protect your students causing undue harm would look pretty bad.  I assure you, however, that any interest that I express in any of the students is strictly professional.  I’m just doing the job I’m paid by the school to do.”

“And the amount of time you’ve been spending with Miss Chylene?”

“Like I said, I’m just doing my job.  Faye gets singled out a lot because of her personality she’s bullied almost near constantly by Svetlana and even other members of her year.  Someone has to make sure she doesn’t go Columbine on everyone.”

“Is that really all though?”

Mia sighed, pulling off the deep green Cadet cap that she had been wearing allowing the rest of her raven black hair to spill down her slender neck and shoulders, and rubbing the back of her head in a mixture of frustration and embarrassment.

“In all honesty I see a lot of myself when I was younger in her and I don’t want to see the same thing that happened to me happen to her,” confessed the young woman, now looking much smaller to the Principal then she had a few moments ago.

“Oh, oh Mia I’m sorry I didn’t mean to drag that up,” Celeste spoke leaning forward on her desk while wearing a concerned expression.

Mia waved her off, gathering her hair back up and slipping her hat on once more.  “Its fine, you’re just doing your job I understand that, but you of all people should know that I would never hurt anyone at this school, student or otherwise.”

“You’re right, and I do trust you, but do try to keep your interactions with the students to a minimum unless absolutely required.  The school cannot afford a sexual harassment lawsuit regardless if there is any basis to it or not.”

“Of course Ma’am it’s best not to give the children any matches to play with lest they burn the house down.”

Principal Celeste chuckled at the metaphor finding it a very apt description of their current situation.  It always amazed her how petty and childish grown adults could act sometimes.

“On a lighter note, thank you for bringing back the Crown, but for the life of me I cannot figure out how it got out of this office.”

“Magic?”  Mia suggested with a shrug.

“Yes, magic indeed,” Celeste laughed, her voice ringing like church bells.  “Anyway you’re free to get back to your rounds and I’ll speak to Miss Summers about her harassment of the other students, though given her particular situation there is not a whole lot I can do.”

“All I ask is that you try Ma’am.  Have a good day.”  With a respectful nod, Mia turned and left the office.

Celeste regarded the Crown resting on her desk for a moment before picking it up, turning it in several different directions as she examined the head wear with a critical eye perhaps hoping that by looking at it, it would divulge its secrets.  She shook her head at the silly notion before setting it back down and returning to her paper work. Canterlot High wouldn’t run its self after all.

“Well today is shaping up to be just wunderbar,” Officer Krieger grumbled to herself.  “First I have to hunt down a ficken rabbit that’s been eating the Garden Club’s produce, then I guilt trip myself into handing out fliers for an Animal Shelter, though laying into Brad like that was pretty amusing, then I get pegged in the head with a heavy arsch piece of jewelry I mean who makes a prize for high schoolers out of real gold for Gott’s sake!  And not only did I end up covering for Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb, but my boss accuses me of being a verdammt pedophile!!”  Mia continued to rant, stalking across the front plaza all the while.

“Man I need a smo…” Mia trailed off as something by the statue of Hurricane, the Wondercolts’ mascot, caught her attention.

“Is that a…nah it couldn’t be could it?”  The Security Officer changed direction veering off the path to the parking lot, where she had planned on taking a cigarette break to calm her nerves, towards the object resting in front of the statute.  With growing trepidation, she slowly approached the statue until …

“Mein Gott im Himmel,” she let out in a choked whisper.  Lying on the ground barely five feet from her was the prone form of an unconscious teenage girl with dark violet almost black hair sprawled out on her stomach.  Without any hesitation, she sprinted the last few feet to the girl and knelt down beside her.  Forcing her growing panic to the back of her mind, Mia allowed her training to take over.

“Alright, step one check for a pulse,”  she muttered taking the index and middle fingers of her left hand and pressing them to the side of the girl’s neck.  Her olive colored skin was still warm and her pulse was strong.  Mia let out a sigh of relief at discovering that she was at least still alive.

“Number two, check and make sure all airways are clear.” Gently Mia positioned her hand beneath the young girl’s nose and could feel her steady breath on her skin.

“Okay, step three check for visible injuries,” she recited while her eyes scanned the girls back.  There were no bruises or lacerations that she could see, but that did not mean that she did not have any internal damage or that the front half of her body was not covered with any number of injuries.  Despite her desire to check she knew that moving the unconscious girl was a terrible idea as it could exacerbate any of the injuries she may have.

“I know you can’t hear me, but just hang in there kid I promise you’ll be okay,” She murmured soothingly to the naked child before her.  Reaching into her coveralls, the Officer pulled out her smart phone and dialed a number familiar to everyone.

Ring

Ring

Click

“Nine Nine One what’s your emergency?”

“This is Officer Krieger of Canterlot High School and I’d like to report a possible Sexual Assault.”

-----You Have Been ReadingThe Reprint and Repackaging of Equestria GirlsChapter One:  Through the Mirror ReduxThe Magic of Friendship Never Changes