Applejack and the IRL Fight
The moon had long risen, and Sweet Apple Acres was asleep; but Applejack's prurient desires had kept her awake far too late, tossing and turning in her scratchy bed.
"Ugh... agh... no... it's a sin... I can't! No matter how good it feels..."
Applejack held her breath, hoping to suffocate her feelings, but the unnatural thoughts only grew stronger. "Aww, who am I kidding. This is happening."
She fumbled out of her custom silk bedspread, which was extremely scratchy, and flopped onto the floor. On landing, she winced: the sound of her hooves against the hard old mahogany floor had been loud—too loud.
"Quiet, Applejack... don't want to wake the family up. Heavens, if Big Mac saw me doing this... or Apple Bloom!"
She crept with difficulty through the bedroom, down the single flight of stairs—taking care to skip the creaky seventh step—and with a soft tread entered the family living room, where the geniuses in the Apple family had installed an overpriced desktop with a high-speed internet connection. For Applejack, it had been the site of many nights' sleepless assaults on all morality and all things decent; it was the setting of many shameful memories.
"All right, girl. Let's do this fast, and get back to bed."
She fired up the slick machine, with its elegant, trendy curves and its loud coloring. Ten minutes' inept, random clicking later, Applejack finally succeeded in opening the web browser.
As she thought of what she was about do, she broke out into a cold sweat. She made a last nervous circuit of the room, glancing up the staircase and down the hallway, until she had assured herself that no one was awake. Sitting back down, with heart racing, she typed her destination into the browser: www.website.com.
Website.com was the premier online destination for all things internet. Whether for business, shopping, news, entertainment, social media, or research, website.com had you covered with an unparalleled variety of cutting-edge services powered by innovation and the spirit of discovery. Website.com: the only website you'll ever need.
For Applejack, secret access to her guiltiest pleasure, powered by website.com's industry-leading search engine, was only a few hoofclicks away. She shakily navigated the mouse cursor to the search bar, and typed the words of her own damnation: "swift tailor hoof story".
Swift Tailor was a sweet young mare from the sticks who, from a humble origin as a seamstress, had made it big in the cutthroat world of popular music with her sweet disposition, winning smile, and an uncountably infinite number of samey-sounding songs about love. Ever since Swift had risen to stardom, Applejack had harbored a secret love for her as an instrument through which she could vicariously live out her own long-buried dreams of rising from the dung heap of rural farm life to shine under big-city spotlights.
Needless to say, if anyone had ever found out about her perverse, borderline heretical fate-denying desires, Applejack would have died from shame.
Hoof Story was a very cute song about an even cuter schoolfilly who overcame a case of smelly athlete's hoof, brought on by strenuous farm work, to win the heart of her dream colt. Applejack donned a pair of headphones, and clicked the top video on the search results page. The video loaded, and then played—loudly, to the whole house. Applejack had forgotten to plug in the headphones she was wearing.
