Meat Steak Liver Stories

by Covert Tale

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1026

Twilight Sparkle brings a human to Equestria and he gets lost.

Twilight Sparkle brings a human to Equestria and he gets lost. There are adventures. And possibly lunch dates.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-20 08:40:05 UTC

Bacon fishsticks steak bacon bacon

"Twilight," yelled spike, running downstairs in his dragon print pajamas, "Are you okay? I heard an explosion!"

"I'm perfectly fine spike, nothing to worry about! I just accidentally summoned a human from an alternate universe. Go back to bed."

The human groaned from the floor, quite obviously singed.

"Right, I'm going to send you back, just as soon as I figure out what went wrong. That spell isn't even capable of transdimensional travel! It makes things disintegrate."

"Bacon fishsticks steak bacon bacon?" asked the human, sitting up.

"I'm afraid the translator spell I worked up isn't quite perfect, so I have no idea what you're saying."

"Lunch meat," the human said dejectedly. He stood up and straightened his clothing, then sat on a nearby chair.

"So... we're sending a message to Princess Celestia, right?"

"Hey, I'm a princess too, now!"

"I'll be upstairs, then. Reading my comics."

"Right, so, Human, we're going to need to run some spell tests, and after that you can run around town doing whatever it is humans do."

Spike was in his room in the upper floor of Friendship Rainbow Kingdom castle, and was not reading a comic. He was writing a letter.

"Dear Princess Celestia, Twilight summoned a weird creature from an alternate dimension, again. If you don't hear back from me soon, I've probably been eaten, and you should come down here and rescue me."

The human was strapped into a strange looking chair, and was wired up to a glowing box.

"This," said Twilight, "is my thaumic difference engine."

"Pork fillet chicken steak?"

"It's going to scan traces of magic left from my spell, and hopefully I can figure out a way to get you back to your universe."

Twilight's horn glowed, and the human vanished.

"Spike! I lost the human!"

Spike poked his head into the room. "Didn't we do teleporting practice last week?"

"This is different! Complex spell interactions, unknown variables!"

"Can I call Princess Celestia in yet?"

"No!"

The human reappeared many pony-miles away, overtop of Rock Salt's cabin, and landed roughly.

"Stroganoff! Spam spam spam spam spam veal!"

"Who's up there on my room making a racket?" Rock Salt complained, staring up from the long grass covered ground.

"Meat! Mince crab beef beef cold-cut liver."

"Right then, off! Get off, you mangy mutt! I told you diamond dogs to stay the braised onion off my roof!"

The human jumped, rolled, and immediately started running to avoid the stick Rock had picked up and was trying to bash him over the head with.

The human was in the forest, and lost. He didn't speak any Equestrian, and was quite certain there was a crazed pony still waiting out there somewhere wanting to bash his head in. This was not the ideal trip to Equestria he had been hoping for. And to make matters worse, the sun was going down, and hungry noises seemed to emanate from every nearby bush.

He walked through the forest, shivering in the cold, till he came across a cave. He ducked into it, and immediately regretted doing so, as he came face to face with a small pack of diamond dogs.

"What's that, Rough?"

"Not a pony, Ragged."

"Should we eat it?"

"Meat! Bacon turkey spam loins spam!"

"What's it saying?"

"That's... that's old Doggian. Are you an ancient?"

The human nodded, hoping nodding translated across cultures and wasn't some sort of insult or order to immediate eat the one nodding.

"We must be camped in a cave over the most ancient of Doggian temples!"

"Brother! Come, join us by the fire," Ragged said, wrapping his arm around the humans neck, and directing him over to the fire.

"Care for a snack?"

"Whale meat?"

"Gems, Ancient! Here, this one's a ruby, they're mighty tasty."

The human nervously, and took the gem Rough had in his paw, and placed it in his mouth, and choked as the gem exploded into its constituent parts, and hacked tiny pieces of gem all over the fire.

Miles away Twilight looked up from the Egghead's guide to wormholes as the thaumic difference engine picked up traces of her original spell going off.

"Hey, it works! Spike, it still worked!"

"What worked?" Spike said, strolling down the stairs from the top floor of the castle.

"My spell of disintegration! That's what I was working on earlier."

"So the human is dead?"

"Oh. Oh no, I hope not! The princess would... right, we're going to track down the human, and make sure it's in one piece!"

"How are you going to do that?"

"I'm an alicorn! I just have to teleport to where the signal came from."

"I swear these things used to be harder."

Twilight appeared just outside the cave in time to see the two diamond dogs flee for their lives.

"Well, this seems to be the place!" twilight said, happily, and entered the cave to find the human still coughing on the ground.

"Oh, thank Princess Celestia! You're alive!"

"Hamburger rump roast," he replied, in between expulsions of gritty gem leftovers.

"Okay, I'm really sorry about all of this, I'll make it up to you! Just don't tell the Princess, I don't want to go to the moon or anything. Again."

"Cheesesteak hotdog tuna filet mignon?"

"I still can't tell what you mean."

The human pointed to his stomach.

"Oh, you're hungry! Right, yes. I'll undo that spell right away."

Twilight had taken the human to Hay Burger, and ordered both of them a burger and fries. She thought the human looked a tad disappointed, but seemed to like the fries anyway.

"So... what's life like back on Earth?"

"Taco teriyaki rump roast."

"Er, fascinating! I'm sure you'll have all sorts of stories to tell people when you get back. I'm sure they'll believe you, I know Spike would if I told him I'd gone to another world where humans were the dominant species!"

"That's because you haaaaaaave gone to another world where humans were the dominant species! You silly!" Pinkie Pie yelled, bouncing by their table and out into the town.