It doesn’t take much to notice the looks that I get, or to hear the words that are said about me. It doesn’t even take listening in, which is good. I’ve told myself a thousand times that I don’t care what those ponies think, that their words have as much value as the air that comes out of their mouths when they say them. Yet throughout all of it, there is one common theme. There is one common thing that is said throughout all of their barbs, throughout all of their snide comments, throughout all of the stares and glares and fearful glances that are pointed towards me.
They fear a monster, and that monster is me.
I don’t see myself as a monster, though I doubt anyone does. I do some good, I do some bad, and in the end it turns out the way that it does. There isn't much more that can said on that, really. I should ignore them, I really should, since there’s nothing I can say to them. Ignoring them won’t stop them from saying the things they do, though, or at least it hasn't stopped them yet. And it isn’t like I can just talk to one of my friends about it.
Yes, I have friends. There’s one in particular, one that is a nice. She does everything she can to make me feel as though my problems mean something. She goes out of her way to make sure that I feel as though I’m her friend. At the same time, though, she’s just one pony and I don’t know if just one pony is enough to make me feel as though this wasn’t some giant waste. It’s been quite a while since I’ve done anything that anypony considered wrong, after all.
I’ve changed. Nopony seems to care, though, and I think some of it comes from above.
I remember last week, when I went to talk to the Princess of Love. Cadance quickly slammed the door in my face, and Prince Shining Armor just glared at me until I left. Neither of them seem to be capable of forgiving me. Attempts to get Princess Celestia to forgive me ended poorly as well. She says she forgives me, she says she doesn’t hate me, but I can see it in her eyes. If she thought she could get away with killing me, or that she could kill me in the first place, she would.
That isn’t even talking about Princess Luna.
That mare actually tried to skewer me with a spear.
Ponies look to their leaders, they follow their leaders, they don’t question their leaders. My last hope had been Twilight, but she just teleported me away with a spell. She didn’t want to see me, but at least she hadn’t been as angry as the others about it. They are the ones who had the most reason to be angry at me, to stay mad at me, but at the point when I had gone to see them I had hoped that they would have been able to see past that.
Still, to this day, I know they haven’t.
There had been one word that had been brandied about during those visits, most of them anyway, that was still biting my mind. Each of them spoke about whether or not I had been changed, or as they put it reformed. Each of them told me about the specific things that I had done to them, the wrongs I had inflicted on them. None of them thought that it was going to last, they all seemed to be waiting for the time when they would be proven right.
Now I’m looking at a pool at my own reflection, thinking.
“Just be yourself” had been the advice for today.
I have to wonder if everything I have been doing s going to bear fruit. I’ve never been in the position where these thoughts have been here. Maybe that’s something different, because I’m reformed now. Maybe there’s something about the process that makes a being care about their role in everything. Maybe there’s something about the magic of friendship that makes me weak. If that’s the case, then it’s obvious that the magic of friendship is something of a weapon.
Things had been so much easier before I got a friend.
I pick up a rock and toss it, skipping it a few times. I remember a time when I had been a powerful ruler, all-powerful is what I had thought at the time. It was something that I had thought was never going to end, yet it had. Even when I had tried to pick up the pieces, when I had tried to throw my might around, it hadn't ended well.
I piked up another pebble with my claw, and I threw it.
When I had been the Lord of Chaos, the Ruler of Equestria, everything had been so much easier. I had all of the power of everything at my fingertips, all the chocolate milk I could drink. There are still times, when I get the cold glares, that I start to think about going back to those times. It would be so easy to take down the Elements of Harmony this time. I’m friends with Fluttershy, she won’t use her element against me.
I don’t even know if she can, if it would go against the kindness that she shows to all.
At the same time, that’s why I can’t. She shows kindness to all, even if we don’t deserve it. Princess Twilight hates me, Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia do as well. Luna just wants to kill me, that’s on a whole different level. The four most important ponies in the kingdom, and each of them have a good reason to hate me. At the same time, each of them have the biggest reason to forgive me.
One more rock, this time thrown as far as I can, and then I stand up.
They all think of me as a monster. I had been a monster once, and things had been so much easier then. A monster doesn’t care about what you think about them. A monster just does what it wants, without a second thought. A monster doesn’t need friends, a monster just cares about what it wants. Maybe, some day, they’ll all see that I’m not a monster anymore.
At least I still have Fluttershy.
