Derpy Does Nothing But Teleport Muffins For Three Days

by Captain L

Rating: everyone
Tags: Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Comedy
Length: 3263

Derpy teleports a lot of muffins. Bad things happen.

Young Dinky Hooves has been taking magic lessons from Princess Twilight, and is now at the stage of learning teleportation. To help, Twilight gives her a stone that will help with performing the spell. However, the stone has some strange properties, as Derpy figures out. What horrors await her with unicorn magic in her command?

You all know what I'm referencing with this.

Published 2014-06-21 18:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-21 18:40:05 UTC

Does It Say You Want the Bucket?

Dinky was happily trotting along through Ponyville, with all the energy one would expect from a filly her age. She was constantly smiling, skipping, and being an all-around good influence to any pony that passed. Of course, this was no surprise to whoever saw her, considering who she was related to.

Trailing behind Dinky was her mother, Derpy Hooves. Derpy was well-known, even past the expected degree in a small town like Ponyville. She was the main mailmare, which gave her a chance to meet and talk with everypony. She used this opportunity to make friends with whoever she could, and most ponies wanted to be friends with her. She was always happy, upbeat, smiling and putting anyone in a good mood.

If asked what Derpy was like, those friends would probably answer that she was a silly pony, clumsy and liable to break things, but she was as nice as you could get. Do not get between her and her daughter, essentially. Also, she really liked muffins. Like, she would fight for her muffins. Don't get between her and her muffins either.

Anyway, she was accompanying her daughter to what used to be the Golden Oaks Library, now replaced by Princess Twilight's castle. Despite her position, shown by her tacky new castle, she was doing her best to remain the same as a normal pony. At least, that's what she said after she had a freakout over her added height, as Pinkie reported to her. And part of that was agreeing to be a magic tutor to Dinky, as her mother obviously wasn't able to teach a subject like that.

The pair reached the front gates of the castle. Dinky had been taking lessons for long enough now that the guards recognized her and her mother, and let them through without trouble. Their repeated visits to the castle were also enough to guide them to the proper room, the training hall primarily used for guard drillings, but also an optimal spot to practice what can be unpredictable magic.

Punctual as she was and expected her pupils to be, Twilight was already waiting when they arrived. Dinky addressed her teacher exactly as an excitable filly would. “Hi, Miss Twilight! I did the homework you assigned, look!” She pulled an apple out of her saddlebags, placed it on the floor, and surrounded it with a magical aura. Within seconds, it began to expand, as it grew to twice its original size. The magic stopped, and Dinky beamed at her skill.

Twilight returned the happiness at her student. “Very good work, Dinky! You're really doing well with learning magic, especially for a pony that hasn't been studying magic for long! In fact, I've got something to show you.” She levitated two rocks off of a table on the side of a room. “These are stones.”

“Sweet Celestia,” Derpy said, sounding a little horrified.

“There's more!”

“No...”

Twilight chose to ignore Derpy's additions. It's not like she made sense all the time, anyway. “More specifically, these are rocks with innate magical power, raw teleportation energy. It's something me and Princess Celestia have been researching. We're mainly looking at it as a magic supplement, something to enhance a unicorn's skill in performing a more difficult spell, and teleportation seemed like the immediate answer. Rarity also says they'd look good in a necklace on the right pony. Anyway, I think you're a good candidate to try it out!”

Dinky looked onto the rocks with awe. “So, I get to be a guinea pig,” she asked, sounding a little too excited about that prospect.

Twilight attempted to move past that. “I wouldn't say guinea pig, exactly. That carries a few negative connotations which you don't deserve. I think 'test subject' is a little better. The name doesn't really matter, though. With this additional power, you should be ready to start learning how to teleport other objects, we'll wait on self-teleportation until you've mastered this.”

The hours of Dinky's lesson passed by, as Derpy watched her daughter with pride from the sidelines. Eventually, the sun began to set, signaling the schooling was reaching its close. Dinky had yet to achieve any sort of success, which was leaving her feeling disappointed. Twilight picked up on this and comforted her student. “Don't feel down, Dinky. I wasn't able to teleport until it was an emergency against Nightmare Moon. There's no shame in not having it down after only a few hours. Just be sure to practice at home, and let me know how you're doing next week.”

As Dinky took off, Derpy followed until Twilight pulled her aside. “Be sure she's careful with those stones, Derpy. They're still prototypes, so their magic power might be unstable. If you suspect anything strange about them, call me over and I'll take care of it.”

“You don't have to worry, Twilight. I'm a mother, I'll know immediately if my little muffin is in trouble. It's just...a little concerning Dinky is using something that might be dangerous. Are there any serious threats from it I should be extra careful for.”

“Well, to be honest, there could be some serious side effects if it's used too much, we really don't know. But I wouldn't expect anything really worrying unless it's long term, and I can at least expect you or Dinky to notice something before it gets to that point. Just keep an eye on her, and things should go well.”

Derpy knew how to do that extraordinarily well, so she simply nodded and left to join her daughter, though with the speed of a hyperactive filly, it would be hard to catch up. That just left Twilight, suddenly feeling very alone.

The night came and went, Dinky got her night's sleep and woke up extra early to try out her magic. Derpy had to convince her not to do so, as to not over-exert herself before school started. Dinky tried to cutely pout her way, but her mother knew better than to give in. Dinky relented, and went to school for the day, while Derpy went to work.

“Watch this, mommy! Watch me do magic!” She was positively hopping with joy.

Derpy chuckled. “I'm watching, sweetie. Try and teleport something today.”

Dinky bowed. “I, the Great Dinky, will perform what was once thought an impossibility! I will teleport an object somewhere! I'm going to need an ordinary object from someone in the audience!” She surveyed the room and the one pony in it. Smiling, she took the half-eaten muffin out of her mother's hooves, surprising her. “Thank you very much, helpful observer! Now, watch as I make this muffin disappear!”

Derpy continued to watch, though she was a little disappointed that her snack was taken from her. Dinky placed the muffin on the small table and concentrated. It was engulfed in her golden magic as she closed her eyes to focus. The muffin began to levitate a few inches into the air as Dinky's teeth clenched and she grunted in effort. The muffin shook and began sparking from the magic without burning the treat, in time with magic excesses from Dinky's horn. Suddenly, it flashed a bright light, temporarily forcing the ponies to cover their eyes to avoid being blinded.

When they could see again, both of them quickly checked the muffin, Dinky out of hope that her spell worked, and Derpy out of hope that her food had survived. One was happy and the other was disappointed, as there was no trace of the delicious meal remaining. Dinky smiled as wide as she ever had. “Mommy, mommy, I did it, I did it!” She began jumping for joy.

Derpy patted her daughter on the back. “I saw, muffin. Though I wish you had used something other than my muffin for the demonstration. I'm hungry now.”

Dinky giggled. “I'll get you another muffin, mommy! Wait here!” She ran off into the kitchen.

Derpy silently shook her head at her daughter's antics. In those movements, her eye caught the magical stone. There was something about it that was so...tantalizing, like it was speaking to her. Magic was already a foreign concept to her, having never experienced it, but the idea of an ordinary object containing the energy used in performing a spell was impressive to her.

In curiosity, she picked up the stone to look it over closely. That was where the weird thing happened, as soon as she touched it, it sent a spark through her body, shocking her. Various images flashed before her, like she was dying. However, it didn't hurt, it was just filling her body with energy, which still terrified her. She unintentionally let out a scream from the strange and scary sensation.

That sound was enough to send Dinky rushing in. “Mom, mom! Are you okay?!” The look on her face gave away that she was incredibly worried for her mom's safety.

Thankfully, at that moment, the stone stopped, and Derpy was able to relax. Breathing heavy, she comforted her daughter. “I'm...I'm okay, muffin. I just picked up the stone, and it did something weird to me. I think it's just because I'm not a unicorn and I'm not used to magic. I won't touch it again, that's for sure.”

Upon hearing her mom was fine, Dinky pulled her into a famous Dinky hug, wrapping her front legs around her tight. Derpy hugged back, though not with the same strength, reassuring each other that everything was alright. It was a very nice hug.

Or it was, until the doorbell rang. They looked at each other, before Dinky spoke. “I'll get it, mommy. You keep sitting there until you feel better.” She reluctantly let go of the hug and trotted towards the door, out of earshot.

When she was alone again, Derpy slowly picked up the stone again, not sure what she was expecting. At least it didn't do anything to her this time, but she could still somehow feel the power behind it. Unsure of this strange feeling, she put it back down on the table and stared at it in a fearful awe.

Dinky came running back in. “Hey mommy, is it okay if I go play with Pipsqueak?”

“Sure, you can go play, muffin. Just be back here before 6, okay? Don't want anything happening to you.”

Dinky ran back out the front door. “Thanks, mommy!” She slammed the door behind her, off to have fun with a friend.

With the house completely to herself, Derpy couldn't help but find herself drawn to the stone yet again. She knew she shouldn't be, she should just walk away and leave it, she should probably even talk to Twilight or take it back. But if Dinky wasn't having a problem, was it really broken? Not knowing the answer, Derpy chose to ignore the subject for now and grab the muffin Dinky never brought to her.

With a delicious muffin now in tow, Derpy wanted to sit down and do something else to pass the time, but her thoughts kept returning to that stone. In fact, it was starting to feel stronger, like the initial feeling of energy was coming back. It was taking over her, materializing in her hoof that was holding the muffin.

Suddenly, the energy flashed out of her hoof, creating another flash of light. Once Derpy could see again, she was in the afterglow of a powerful release, and her muffin was gone. Breathing heavy from whatever had happened to her, and the hyperventilation from a muffin just vanishing, it took Derpy a few seconds to realize what had happened, but she did get it. Despite what some would assume from her eyes and ditsy actions, she was not dumb. “Wait a second, the magic from the stone! Twilight specifically said it contained teleportation magic, and when it did something to me...it must have given me teleportation abilities!”

Her surprise that a pegasus like her had obtained magic was short-lived, as a look at her empty hoof reminded her of the tragedy that had occurred. She sat in sadness, until she realized. “I can teleport things! Maybe, just maybe, I can bring it back!” She closed her eyes and focused on the delicious taste of a muffin, the moist insides, the sugar on the top, the sweet sensation of biting into it, willing it towards her. Another flash, but with her eyes already closed, she avoided losing sight. But she could feel the new weight in her hoof, a texture she was all too familiar with. “Muffin! You do always come back!”

Her joy at having her beloved muffin return safe to her was great, but something new occurred to her. Her newfound power, what she was capable of now, what she could do for good. “I can teleport muffins!”

The door of Twilight's study flew open as her friends walked in, finding Twilight and Spike standing in front of a chalkboard, filled with lots of diagrams and equations. “Hey there, what are you eggheads up to,” Rainbow asked as she threw her flight goggles towards them, where they flew onto the floor. “Nice catch...”

Twilight ignored that. “Thanks for coming so quickly, girls. Me and Princess Celestia have been doing some experiments involving putting magical energy into ordinary objects. See this stone in my hoof? It's filled with raw teleportation magic, and can be accessed by a unicorn to give them a boost. I already don't need it, but a lower-level unicorn could perform more powerful spells using something like this. But something about it seems wrong, watch this.” She focused energy into the stone as it began to glow, and a few seconds later, a muffin popped into existence on top of it.

Pinkie Pie was excited by this prospect, but Rainbow wasn't particularly impressed. “Wow, you can teleport muffins. That is really something. So, is there a legitimate reason we're here, or...” She was interrupted by a small growl. “Is someone hungry?”

Twilight shook her head. “Guess again, Rainbow. Look at the muffin closer this time.” She held it closer to Rainbow's head, where the growl happened again. The muffin also shook a little.

Rainbow jumped back in shock. “Woah woah woah! D-did that muffin just growl at me?! How does that happen?”

Pinkie grabbed Rainbow by the neck and forced her against the wall. “We can't teleport muffins anymore!”

Twilight lowered her eyes in boredom, because she was somehow used to her friends like this, and pulled them apart. “I wasn't aware you had ever started. But I called you here because I need help in discovering why teleportation is working like this. I've teleported myself and plenty of other things lots of times before, but I've never seen a reaction like this before. It absolutely needs to be studied, not just for scientific understanding, but for the good of Equestria! I mean, have you noticed that every pony that's been teleported has died at some point or another? Except alicorns, of course, because of their extra powers.”

Her friends knew Twilight was going to go off the deep end, but the case of the living muffin still needed to be solved. Nevertheless, Applejack leant into Rarity's ear and whispered, “This is the 'Twi-Height' incident all over again.”

Days had passed, and while they had all been working to unravel this mystery, they were still far from understanding the truth. They were all gathered again as Spike provided a recap. “So this is what we've got so far. These muffins are entering the void, the space between dimensions, as all objects do when they're teleported. However, they're not leaving, and we don't know why, that's not what normal teleportation does. Something in that void is causing them to mutate, and the long-term effect on ponies is still currently unknown.”

Rainbow slammed her hoof against the wall. “We're getting nowhere! Three days of work, and all we have to show for it is lots of angry muffins, and that's something I should have never had to see or say!”

As soon as the outburst was done, the door to the room opened, and Dinky and Derpy walked in. “We couldn't find you in the training hall, and the guards told us you were in here,” Derpy explained, and she looked around at everypony else in the room. “Why are you all here? Is it a party?”

“Oh, that's right, we were supposed to meet today. I'm sorry, Dinky, but we're kind of busy right now. But actually, if you could answer a question, it could help a lot. While you were practicing your magic, did you notice anything strange about teleporting with the stone?”

Rainbow held her hoof out. “Wait a minute here. Dinky had one of these stones? So tell me again, Twilight; why were there muffins in the void?”

Twilight blushed as she realized that Rainbow Dash completely had a point, followed quickly by Derpy asking a question. “Actually Twilight, something did happen. I picked up the stone, and it did something weird to me. It filled me with energy, and I got the power to teleport muffins! Is that normal?”

Twilight's eyes went wide as she looked at Derpy, and her head twitched. “Y-you what? Y-you teleported muffins?” She took a deep breath to calm herself down, but it didn't work as she was right on Derpy the next second. “How many?!”

Derpy backed up at Twilight invading her space, but still answered. “I have done nothing but teleport muffins for three days.”

Twilight pushed Derpy onto the floor and held her there, fuming in rage. “Do you have any idea what you've done?! What sort of horrible consequences could happen because of your reckless behavior?! I mean, what would happen if a crack in time opened and released the mutated muffins from the void?!”

On cue perfectly, a loud roar was heard outside, bellowing through half of Equestria, most likely. Twilight gulped upon hearing it, and they all ran outside the castle, fearing the absolute worst. And that's what they got.

Coming out of the Everfree Forest was a giant muffin. Not just a normal giant muffin, though. It was crawling with dozens of thick green tentacles, and a mouth bigger than most caves lined with teeth, bigger than a house and sharper than a guard's sword. It roared again, creating a strong gust of wind that pushed the ponies against the outside wall of the castle.

Twilight turned to Derpy, breathing heavy, scared and angry. “Derpy...how many muffins did you teleport? Please, give me an exact number.”

“Well, it wasn't all different muffins, the same ones went through lots of times, but I teleported muffins 25,920 times exact.”

Twilight's mouth opened with horror as she turned back to the muffin beast, now bearing down on top of them. It whipped one of its tentacles towards the castle, which wrapped around Derpy alone and began pulling her. Instead of fighting back, she simply yelled in victory. “HAHA, I TELEPORTED MUFFINS!”

As Derpy was dragged off, Twilight could do nothing but flop onto the ground and give up. “That's it, we're all doomed.”

Author's Note

Very quick story turnabout. Did it because why not? I just don't know how this would turn out with this little effort.

And the "Twi-Height Incident" is part of the story I was working on before this. Expect that sometime. No, I don't have to please the people reading the stories I already have going.