Trixie reeled from the vicious blast of magic. She stood on the scorched earth of Ponyville, surrounded by the defeated and drained Elements of Harmony, The Royal Guard, and The Wonderbolts. She wiped away a trickle of blood from her lips and stared down the evil tyrant, Tirek.
“Bwahahahaha! Look at you! Just a puny weakling, cowering beneath my gaze. I shall crush you once and for all!”
Trixie steeled herself and charged forward. Blasts detonated all around her as she galloped ever closer. As she closed in, she charged a magic enchantment on her right rear hoof. With a mighty leap, she spun in mid-air, kicking Tirek viciously in the head. The power of the kick knocked the evil king unconscious and sent him tumbling face-first into the ground. The evil beast lay there, twitching and moaning, before finally losing consciousness.
“Omigosh, Trixie! You did it!” the annoying pink one cheered.
All of the Ponyville ponies left their houses and approached Trixie with gifts of respect and admiration.
“Trixie?”
Spinning around, Trixie saw Twilight Sparkle, walking toward her with an air of defeat.
“Yes, Twilight Sparkle?”
Twilight looked down at the ground in shame. “We… we were defenseless before the evil Tirek. We owe you our lives. It’s obvious I’m not worthy to be a princess. You should take my magic from Tirek, and take my place so I can live in shame with the rest of my idiot friends.”
Trixie smiled benevolently. “Do not worry, Sparkle. In Trixie’s kingdom, you and your friends are still welcome.”
Twilight bowed graciously. “Thank you, Trixie! I’m sure your rule will be long and prosperous! All hail Queen Trixie!”
All of the ponies in Ponyville propped her up high into the air and yelled in unison, “Hail Queen Trixie! Hail Queen Trixie! Hail Queen Trixie!”
Celestia and Luna stared drowsily into the distance. Their eyelids drooped, threatening to close against their wishes.
“And that’s how I, The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon, would have beaten the evil king Tirek,” Trixie finished, her face beaming with confidence.
The entire throne room fell silent.
“Why did you bring her here again?” Celestia asked.
Luna sighed. “She was rather amusing at first. It ceased being cute very quickly, though.”
“Uhh, excuse me, I’m standing right here,” Trixie said in annoyance.
“Oh, right. Uhh, if you would like to be a student of mine, I may have a test for you. Are you up to the challenge?” Celestia asked.
Trixie’s eyes twinkled. “Yes! Yes of course! What do I need to do?”
Celestia grabbed a rope next to her throne and pulled it.
“Swim.”
The floor opened beneath Trixie’s feet. She screamed as she tumbled through the air before hitting water.
Luna hoof-bumped her sister. “The shark pit! Nice choice! How long has it been since the royal sharks have been fed?”
“Days!”
“Excellent!” Luna clapped her hooves in excitement. “Guards! Call the kitchen and tell them to send popcorn!”
Trixie saw several fins start to circle her. Her horn lit with a teleportation spell, but it fizzled out before it could finish. “My magic! What’s going on?”
“Oh, I forgot to mention. That pit has a special ward that will only allow mine or Luna’s magic to work within it. You should start swimming,” Celestia suggested.
“So, sister. While she’s wearing herself out, what do we need to discuss politically?” Luna asked.
Celestia unfurled a scroll and started going down the list. “Let’s see. Ummm… the griffins requested aid in the wake of their drought and subsequent food shortage.”
“Hmmm. We do have a surplus of baked beans from the hicks in Hoofington,” Luna suggested.
“We’ll lace them with laxatives and ship it. Those bird dicks will be shitting themselves for a month or two. Okay, next is… the Saddle Arabian diplomat expressed displeasure at your… grinding against his prized statue.”
“Psh. What a prude,” Luna said, tossing her mane like a supermodel.
Celestia nodded. “Yeah, but maybe we should be a tad more particular about what we grind our genitals against, and who is around when we do it.”
“Fine. Next?”
Celestia looked to the next item on the list. Her eyes widened in shock and anger. “What slander is this?!”
“Slander? What slander?” Luna asked.
“Somepony put on here that I reportedly started hurling racial epithets about zebras at the ball last week!”
Luna laughed, clutching her stomach. “Oh, that! You were totally wasted! You just went on a spree about how they smell and all of their bling.”
Celestia produced a scroll and quickly scribbled onto it. “Note to kitchen staff, griffin ale no longer to be served at social functions. Next item is… Cadance wants to borrow some bits. Her treasury’s lacking after a bad business deal involving crystals and a home shopping network.”
“Whatevs, we’re rolling in bank. Hey, maybe we should get her in on this shark attack action,” Luna suggested.
“Good idea.” Celestia’s horn glowed with a piercing gold light and illuminated a projection in front of her. An image of Cadance appeared, her head tucked between her own legs, licking herself in broad strokes.
“Are we interrupting, Princess?”
The pink alicorn’s head shot up in surprise. “Oh, you two have just the worst timing! What’s up?”
Luna smiled. “Not up, down.”
The projection of Cadance tilted downwards, peering into the pit. “Is that the bitch Twilight told me about down there?”
“It sure is! She might be shit at magic, but she’s quite an accomplished swimmer,” Luna noted.
“Help! I think these sharks are really mad!” Trixie cried out as she desperately swam for her life.
Celestia pointed her horn into the pit and fired off a magic blast, hitting one of the sharks. The shark thrashed about and resumed it’s chase at an even faster speed.
“He’s pissed now!” Luna giggled in maddening delight.
Celestia batted an eye towards the kitchen. “Where the hell is our damn popcorn? She's gonna tire out before we get our popcorn!”
“So, about the loan…” Cadance began.
“No skin off our backs. We’re rolling in scratch now, even with all the crap Tirek blew up,” Luna said.
“That son of a bitch broke my favorite statue of myself. Tomorrow when I get through dealing with the peasants, I’m going down to Tartaurus to jam the head of that statue right up his ass… horn first!” Celestia slammed her hoof down in anger.
“I’m getting kind of tired down here!”
“Shut it, Littlemoon!” Luna shouted.
“It’s Lulamoon!”
“Whatever! Sheesh, talk about high maintenance. Anyway, we’ll set up the transfer of funds tomorrow.” Suddenly, Celestia’s horn pulsated rapidly. “Whoops! I’m getting another call. Let’s drag them in.”
Celestia’s horn sparked and another projection appeared, this time of Twilight Sparkle. A small groan escaped Celestia and Luna’s mouth before quickly changing back to forced smiles.
“Ohhh! Heeey, Twiliiight! How are you?” Celestia asked.
“Princess! I just made a stupendous discovery!” Twilight exclaimed. “Did you know that Starswirl was on the cusp of formulating a spell that could, in theory, produce food from magic? We could solve hunger in all of Equestria if I could finish it!”
“That’s nice, Twolalot,” Luna muttered.
“Ummm, you mean Twilight, right, Princess Luna?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Twilight Sparkle! Trixie needs help! They threw me down here with sharks and I’m starting to get really, really tired!” Trixie cried out.
The projection of Twilight looked down into the pit and gasped. “Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! You have to help her!”
“Who do you think put her in there in the first place?” Luna said, ribbing Celestia playfully.
“Don’t worry, she’ll be just fine, as long as she keeps swimming. Y’know, probably.”
“Yeah, let her get a little more water in her lungs before you yank her out,” Cadance suggested.
“But, that’s wrong!” Twilight objected. “We should forgive her so she can know what it’s like to have friends, and maybe next time she’ll think twice before she acts like she’s better than anypony else, like Discord.”
“You mean the same way Discord thought twice before he turned the entire east field of the Apple family’s crops into dildos?” Luna asked.
Twilight cringed. “Well… yes, that did happen… but he did fix it back! You should let Trixie go.”
Celestia harrumphed. “Ugh, what a wet blanket. Whoops! You’re breaking up! I think we’re going through a tunnel!”
“THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!” Twilight shouted as her projection fizzled away.
Luna and Celestia hoof-bumped each other and Cadance laughed maniacally.
“That pony needs to loosen up a bit. She’s wound up tighter than Cadance after like, two nights without sex,” Luna said.
Celestia crossed her eyes and flapped her arms like a bird. “Look at me, I’m the princess of friendship! Look at my rainbow lesbian tower!”
“That place would be perfect for one of Pinkie’s alternative parties,” Cadance said, licking her lips.
“Pinkie actually throws a party without a board game?” Luna asked.
Cadance smiled wryly. “Pinkie’s tongue is so long, she can body floss an entire pony.”
Luna whistled in amazement, and Celestia produced the scroll from earlier. “Just putting that on the to-do list real quick… and done.”
“Ahhh! Help!” Trixie called out. The unicorn disappeared beneath the water.
The three alicorns looked down into the pit with bated breath as the surface of the water grew still.
“Uh oh, I think she finally lost,” Luna said.
“I think you’re right,” Cadance said.
Suddenly, the surface of the water exploded as Trixie emerged, gasping for precious air.
“Hey! She’s alive after all!” Luna shouted.
Enveloped by a golden glow, Trixie was plucked from the pit of sharks and placed before the princesses once again. Shivering, sopping wet, and missing much of her tail, she prostrated herself before the princesses.
“Trixie is deeply and, and humbly grateful for your benevolence, your royal and most altruistic highnesses.”
Luna cocked an eyebrow. “Altruistic. She probably had to dig deep for that one.”
“Relax, Trixie. You passed the test. I have a very special opportunity for you,” Celestia said in a motherly tone.
“You… you do? How might I be of service to rulers as caring and kind as yourselves?”
“There is an opening for… The Royal Plothole Cleaner,” Celestia stated.
Trixie’s pupils shrank. “I beg your pardon?”
“You will be in charge of cleaning our butts anytime we use the restroom, or get itchy, or just want you to. You will be given a room at the castle, fed, clothed, and even travel to other countries when we do,” Celestia explained.
Trixie whimpered as the possibilities ran through her head. “Okay, but only under one condition.”
“And that is?” Luna asked.
“No tongue.”
“Party pooper,” Celestia said, blowing a raspberry in disappointment. “I’ll arrange for the guards to get your belongings moved to your new room.”
“Yes, yes, yes, yes! Trixie is living in a castle! Without the sharks, and the poop, and my partially missing tail, this is the best day of my life!” The unicorn cheered as she hopped in circles.
“Go on, go see your room,” Luna said, shooing her away with a hoof.
Trixie grinned and ran off toward the exit.
“Is something wrong, Cadance?” Luna asked.
“No… well…”
“It’s about Twilight isn’t it?”
Cadance nodded at Luna. “I feel kinda bad for making fun of her. She did kind of save our butts multiple times.”
Celestia sighed. “Yeah… maybe I was a bit rude. I’ll send her a fruit basket to apologize.”
She pointed her horn at the corner of the room toward a giant pile of fruit baskets. one of them disappeared in an instant.
“I can’t help but notice you’ve sent her quite a few of them lately, sister,” Luna pointed out.
“Yeah, but what the hell else am I going to do with them? The peasants just keep bringing the damn things.”
Just then, a guard entered the room with a box of popcorn.
“Your highnesses, the popcorn you requested.”
Celestia plucked him from the ground with her magic and tossed him into the shark pit. “You’re late, jackass!”
“Omf… dese are so good!” Spike said, tossing a banana peel into the trash.
Twilight sat on her beanbag chair next to the upturned fruit basket, dangling a bunch of grapes in the air with her magic.
“I know! It’s such a pain in the butt getting grapes here in Ponyville. Even if you can get some, they’re so expensive.”
“You think the princess will ever notice you’re just guilt tripping her into sending us breakfast every morning?”
Twilight dropped her grapes and gasped. “Me?! Guilt tripping? I’m the princess of friendship! I could never do such a thing!”
Twilight and Spike stared at each other for a few moments before bursting out into laughter.
“Oh, that reminds me, Spike. Tomorrow I need to remind Rarity of the time she left my birthday party to hang out with those uptight Canterlot dicks so she’ll make me a new dress.”
Spike giggled. “She’ll never live that one down, will she?”
“Not in a thousand years.”
