A Hero Returns

My eyes slowly flutter open as I stare at the wooden ceiling of my new home. I yawn as I start to rise from my sleeping bag, I rub my eyes and stretch popping my back and neck in the process. While I did this, I start to hear scratching sound, like someone was writing something. I look around and I don't see anything, weird. I walk into the bathroom, after rolling up the sleeping bag, I see a note on the counter, it read:

"Dear Mark,

There is a new toothbrush with your name on it, the blue one, please go about your day as you would normally, please disregard anything that seems out of place.

Twilight

P.S. Spike is out helping Rarity."

Ok, that explains the quiet, well might as well get my morning routine done with. As I finish brushing my teeth I hear the scribbling noise again, this time I look around to see if anything is out of place, in direct violation of the note, fuck the police. Everything looks normal, the tiles are neat, the sink is clean, the box with two round holes cut out in the front is in the corn-Hold the fucking phone!

I walk towards the box and kneel down in front of it. The scribbling noise stops immediately, I can also hear shallow breathing trying to mask my stalkers' presence.

I kneel down and peer inside the cut out eyeholes. I see two deep violate orbs staring back at me. well that narrows it down.

I grab the sides of the box and flipped it and its occupant upside down. I set the shaking box of squeals and kicking legs on Twilights bed.

"What is your problem!?" yelled an annoyed purple unicorn.

"Well good morning to you too agent Snake" I say with a smirk.

"What?"

"Human thing, I'm taking a shower, by myself" I say walking back to the bathroom, "unless you wanna see how fast you can learn how to fly" I say gesturing to the open second story window.

She raises her eyebrow at my empty threat.

I walk back out of the bathroom in my skin suit due to the fact that I have no other clothes and the only other being in town that knows how to make clothing currently wishes I ate myself in my mothers womb.

I wonder what I'll do today, probably get the lay of the land and, with any luck, start a stampede somewhere cuz it's gonna happen at some point in my future might as well get it outta the way.

That was when I noticed Twilight standing at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in a little lab coat with a feather pen and clipboard floating in front of her. Wanna know something weird? seeing these ponies in clothes seems dirty for some reason.

"Hey Professor, what are you about to do? teach a class on how to stalk?"

"Haha, no, I am going to ask you a series of questions pertaining to you and your people so as to send my findings to the princess" she said without looking up from her clipboard.

"Oh, is that right? Not even going to ask me huh? Just going to go straight for the jugular? Ok" I grab a seat, I could tell that this will take a while.

"Good, disregarding my earlier attempt at data collection,"

"Stalking"

"Data Collection, I would like to break the Q&A sessions into small topics so as to make it easier on us both."

"That's cool, so topic one is?"

"General knowledge pertaining to your peoples culture"

"Ok then what do you wanna know?

"Why is it that you have long hair if your male?"

'Oh my GOD! This conversation? Really!?'

The questions continued on, usually about social behavior, things like that. About an hour had passed by when we ended our session.

"Your people seem so fascinating Mark! They appear very simple but so complex!" gushed Twilight with big sparkling eyes, how's she doing that?

"Tell me about it, well if that's all I'mma go see if I can get Rarity to make me some clothes"

"That's another question I wanted to ask you" I turn around

"Why is it that you where clothes all of the time?"

"...What?"

"Why do you where clothes all the time?" I had to process this for a second, why would she ask me that?

Wait, my mind powers are working! I seem to remember an interesting fact in bio 101 before I immediately fell asleep, male horse penises have a sheath so you can't see it unless they're aroused...oh, ok, I'm gonna feel awkward explaining this one kids.

"Well, human male...parts don't have..." I say gesturing to my crotch hoping that she makes a connection, she doesn't.

"*sigh* you're really gonna make me say it aren't you?" I say massaging the bridge of my nose.

She's still just standing there, in her lab coat, waiting for an answer. Ok, like a band aid then.

"Human male genitalia do not have sheaths to hide them from view, so we keep our modesty by wearing clothes"

silence, there shouldn't be silence, there should have been a gasp or scribbling or something.

I look and just see her staring at me with a raised eyebrow.

"so?", what?

"What?"

"So what? I mean, I don't see what the big deal is, so long as you wear clothes during your heat season then your fine"

Oh, never realized that crossing inter-species borders would be so rough.

"No Twilight you don't understand, you see we humans don't have a heat season"

"What? Then how do your people know when to...you know" she said with a blush, wow, that is unbelievably adorable...probably should stop that thought right there.

"Well it's less like we don't have one, it's that, we are constantly in a state of heat"

"*Gasp* What!" There it is.

"Yeah, we humans are constantly fertile, so if I went around naked and if I get aroused then it could lead to a very...problematic situation"

She was frozen and very red, she dropped her quill and clipboard, nice.

"Well if that's all then I guess I'll be going" I walk and open the door,I take one last look before closing the door to see a still red faced, frozen Twilight, I smiled to myself and started my exploration.

I turn away from the door and look out at Ponyville, I take in its many colors and sunny attitude, I take a deep breath, God it's like breathing rainbows!

I notice that the streets are filled with unicorns and earth ponies going about their business, peddling their wares, doing towny stuff, reminds me of old earth, nostalgia's a bitch. I also see pegasi soaring over head doing whatever it is they do, probably have to ask someone about what it is pegasi actually do, but whatever, just roll with it.

I walk towards the main street, might as well just dive right in. When I enter the mouth of the main street, I expect to get mass panic but I didn't, the street got quieter sure, but when I looked around I saw eyes follow me in curiosity, not terror, strange...

As I continue to walk, activity seemed to return to normal as if there wasn't a tall, bald monkey in the middle of their street. Why are they so trusting?

"Well lookie what we got here, it's mah favorite monkey!", I turn towards whoever was calling me, I see an orange earth pony waving at me from a blue stand.

"Oh hey! Applejack!" I make my way over to her.

"Howdy partner! How was yer first night here in Ponyville?" she asked, I love her accent, don't know why but there's just something about it, in a non-romantic way.

"Great! I have to say, haven't slept that well in a long time" I say smiling, I also take a look at her stand, there is a load of apple pastries here, and they all look delicious!

"Well since ah have ya'll here would ya'll like an apple family pie? Ah swear, ya'll won't regret it" she lifts a pie up to my nose, good god it smells like something that's been touched by Jesus!

"I'd love one! But..." I just remembered a painful truth "I don't have any money",*sigh* I need a job.

"Nonsense sugar cube, it's on the house"...no words...

She hands me the pie, I cut off a slice and take a bite...I-I think I'm about to cry.

"Oh God! This is great!" I immediatly stuff my face with the rest of the pie, devoured it in ten seconds flat...I felt weird saying that.

I look back up at Applejack to see her stunned face, oh jeez, I must've looked like a real pig right now.

'Your damn right you did!' oh great this guy...

'Don't 'this guy' me, one, you didn't even say thank you, you ungrateful, fat sack a shit, second, you just inhaled a whole pie in front of a woman, a woman! Do you know how disrespectful that is? Now apologize to her and tell her you'll do anything you can to repay her for giving you that pie, or so help me god, I will mind slap you in the dick!' scary thing is he'll do it too.

"Aw man! Applejack I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me I-"

"Do it again"

"...what?"

"Do it again! And ya'll can call me AJ" she says throwing me another pie, I look at the pie, then back to her, then back at the pie, back to her... she just keeps getting better! Hah! Take that inner voice she's on my side, HAHAHHHAHAA! Oh my god I'm having conversations with myself, I'm batshit crazy!...but I knew that already.

I engulf the new pie, again in ten seconds flat, and again it still feels weird to say that.

"That's amazin' sugar cube! Ah've never seen anypony scarf down a whole pie in ten seconds! Let alone two back-to-back!" She has a huge smile on her face at my supposed feat. Ego boost +10.

"Who wouldn't? They're amazing AJ! But seriously", I give her back the pie tin and look at her with a grateful smile, "Thank you very much for the food, I really appreciate the kindness and I will pay you back once I find myself a paying job"

"Well while ah did give ya'll the pie's, if'n you lookin' fer work, we at sweet apple acres might have somethin' fer ya", she is just great, first she gives me free food, then she offers me a job? Top of the list!

"Wow, thanks AJ, I don't know what to say"

"Just know that ya'll be doin' hard work, don't want ya'll quittin' just cuz you can't handle it"

"I'll do whatever you need me to do, carry stuff, pull stuff, doesn't matter, you tell me to do it, I'll do it" I say with a confident smile.

"That's what ah like to hear sugar cube, come by tomorrow mornin' round eight o'clock, we'll have work fer ya'"she says smiling right back.

"Awesome! Thanks AJ you won't regret it! Now I gotta go find Rarity and see if she'll make me some clothes." I say turning around and walking away.

"Why?" She asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Ask Twilight, I'm not having this conversation again!" I yell over my shoulder as I search for the lair of miss frilly frou frou nutt smasher.

I continue to follow the main street down towards wherever it is it's taking me, when I hear a very familiar sound.

*Rumble*

My tummy is making the rumblies. God help us all...and yes, I do know that I just had two full sized pie's, but those do not satisfy me! I am the devourer of buffets! Single mouthed! I demand recompense!

As I begin plotting my raid on the towns food-stock, an amazing smell hits my nose, is my olfactory senses decieving me? Do I detect cinnamon buns?!

I let my nose do the leading, as I always do, and came upon a building that looked good enough to eat already...I wanna eat it, I wanna eat everything inside it.

I walk inside the doors and immediately get put on my ass by a speeding mass of grey and blonde. I smash my head on a nearby table and start to see stars. All I can see in my field of vision is a grey blob.

"Oh! I'm sorry mister, you ok?", well, I know whatever hit me's a she by her voice, a very adorable voice I might add.

"Yeah, as soon as I stop seeing two" my vision starts to focus and I see a pegasus mare standing in front of me. A blonde mane, grey body coat, and yellow eyes that seem to be having a hard time adjusting themselves too, at least one seemed to focus on me.

"From the looks of it miss, you look like you took the hardest hit, are you ok?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine! Kay gotta go!" while I would like to say she flew away out the door, I cannot in all honesty say that, she kinda crashed away...it was still adorable as all hell though. Aww man! never got her name!

"Bye Ditzy! I hope you enjoyed the muffins!", well that answers that question. I look up and see a counter stocked full with sweets and a hopping mass of pink.

"Hey Pinkie Pie!" I say to her from the floor.

"Oh hey mister monkey!"

"Mark, m-my name's Mark, please call me Mark please"

"Okie dokie Markie" well, whatever...

"Sup, uh, I couldn't help but notice the heavenly scent of cinnamon wafting in the air, do you by any chance know why?" I ask playfully.

"Why yes, yes I do, we just made some see" she pulls out a large metal sheet full of steaming hot cinnamon buns, the steam hit me just right, it was orgasmic is what it was.

"May I have one" I say in a daze.

"Okay," she goes to hand me one of, what was probably, the most delicious looking cinnamon bun I had ever seen. With tears of joy, I reach my hand out to take my prize, "six bits please!"

My whole world shatters.

"No...money...", and just like that the cinnaminy mana from heaven is snatched away from me by an orange hoof.

"Sorry, no money, no service" came a goofy sounding voice that obviously belonged to a guy. I look to my right and see a thin, orange earth pony in a bakers get up. My eyes meet his and his mine, we stare at each other for a second...I see a flicker of something familiar in his eyes...fear. I don't think he realized what he was dealing with, maybe, somehow he didn't notice I was a five foot ten, bald ape and thought I was some deadbeat pony looking for a hand out.

"Uh...P-pi-pinkie wh-who's your f-f-friend?" He asks Pinkie with a nervous smile.

"Oh him, that's Markie the bald monkey thing!"

"Human! Pinkie, I'm a human!" I answer back at her with a slightly elevated tone due to my 'no food woe's'...she didn't pick up on it, however someone else did.

"Honey, what was that?" I heard coming from the kitchen.

"Oh, hold on a sec right there Markie, I have to introduce you to Mrs.Cake too" Then Pinkie hops away into the kitchen

"But you didn't introduce me to anyone, how can there be a 'too'?" I ask, but she's gone, *sigh*, well whatever.

I turn back to, who I assume is Mr.Cake since, well, he was the only other guy here so...

"This is my new bestest friend in the whole world Mrs.Cake!" Then I was hit full speed by the mass of pink energy coming outta no where, but I was ready, not gonna get me again, I assure you, didn't budge an inch.

I turn towards the kitchen and saw a plump looking blue earth pony with a pink, swirled mane staring wide eyed at me, just like her husband.

"His name is Mark Crow, I just call him Markie, Princess Celestia put me and my friends in charge of him", the way she said that, it's like she was talking about a pet.

"Oh, well, it's nice to meet you, Mr.Crow" Mrs.Cake spoke very quietly and nervously to me

"Y-yes, it's very nice to meet you" as did Mr.Cake, I have the distinct feeling that they're not as delighted to meet me as they say.

"Uh, yeah, it's nice to meet the both you and thank you for having me in your shop, but back to the matter at hand" I say turning my gaze back to the still hot cinnamon bun safely in Mr.Cakes grasp, away from my mouth, where all food in the world should be!

All the occupants in the room's eyes turned toward the bun.

"Well, I am sorry Mr.Crow, but what I said is final, no money, no service" Mr.Cake said, wow he actually gained some backbone, he must really not wanna give that bun away for free.

"Please! I'm new to town, I promise I'll pay you back!"

"I'm sorry but we've had a lot of 'I'll pay you back laters' in the past, and they never did!", well I can see I'm getting no where, *sigh*, I guess I'll just leave.

"Well, I'm sorry for coming in here and wasting your time, I'll just leave" as I start to walk to the door an idea strikes the vast wasteland that is my thinkin' meats.

"Hey, Mr.Cake?"

"Yes Mr.Crow?"

"You can call me Mark, anyway, what if, what if, what if, now follow me, what if, we set up a little wager" I grinned

"A wager huh? What do you have to offer?"

"My services, I will work for you full time, no pay"

"Why should we hire you? We don't know anything about you...no offense!" spoke Mrs.Cake from behind the counter.

"Oooh! A bet?! This sounds like fun!" came Pinkie's voice, and when I turned to look she had a lawn chair and popcorn that just appeared outta thin air...not questioning it, there's more important things at risk here anyway.

"Look, your right you don't know anything about me, but I'm gonna tell you straight, you don't have anything to worry about" I look into their eyes to show them I'm not lying, "I will work for as long and as hard as I have to, no complaints for no payment, I learn fast, don't need to be told twice to do something, and all that could be yours...if you win"

I watch Mr.Cake narrow his eyes in deliberation, I also noticed Mrs.Cake suddenly appear at his side, they both turn from me and I can hear small whisperings in their huddled mass of two. Then Mr.Cake turned around and walked towards me.

"Alright, Mark, your on!" Oh, he seems so confident! Too bad i'm gonna totally destroy it right in front of his, and his wife's eyes.

"Sweet, now watch, I bet I can show you something that you won't believe, with just these!" I say shaking both of my hands in front of his face.

"Is that all? Sorry sonny, this town has taken all the surprise out of me and my wife, but still can't wait to have you as an employee" smug grin wearing bastard...

"Yay! Markie's gonna work with me!"

"Pinkie have some faith jeez!" I yell back at her.

"Why? I want you to lose!"...ouch...

"*sigh* ju-just look" I say waving my hands in front of his face

"Now as you can see Mr. and Mrs.Cake, my fingers are firmly attached to my hand" I say while pulling on my fingers hard, I even let them pull on them a bit, they were thoroughly convinced.

"Now watch and be amazed!" I yell out putting my hands together, and pulling my index finger apart and putting it back together in front of him.

"Oh sweet Celestia!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

"WOOOOW!!!!", I'll let you guess which one was Mr.Cake...It was the scream one...

The trick had the desired effect, Mr.Cake dropped the Cinnamon bun and zoomed off into the bathroom, I did see him turn green a bit, Mrs.Cake fainted on the spot, thankfully I caught her and gently laid her down, and Pinkie, well...

"OHMYGOSHHOW'DYOUDOTHATCANYOUTEACHMEHOWTODOTHATTHATWASSOCOOLOHMYGOSHPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!!!!!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs in my ear.

"Pinkie, Pinkie down! Down!", she crawls off my shoulder and onto the floor.

"Okay, first off" I go and grab my cinnamon covered prize.

"Second, Pinkie you need fingers to do what I just did, not hooves"

"But I can do fingers! Watch!" She-she blows air into her hoof like she was blowing up a balloon and out pops four nubby, wiggling protrusions...she just smiles at me, like that didn't just happen.

I rub the bridge of my nose, "I really wish I didn't see that"

"See what?"

"Nothing, go eat your peas"

"But, I don't have peas"

"Then peaches anyway I gotta go get clothes bye"

"How co-"

"Ask Twilight!"

I yell as I run from the bakery in pursuit of clothing to cover my junk!