Adam Sandler and the War on Drugs
By the year 2064, mankind had cured every disease on the planet, unlocked the secret to eternal life, finally found a source of infinite clean energy, and figured out how to make mosquitoes stop biting. The world was perfect.
In this perfect world, there lived actor, singer, comedian, and former governor of France, Adam Sandler. One day, Adam was sailing down the Autobahn 2 in his flying Mercedes freight train, on the way to his summer home in Kenya, when all of a sudden, the universe split open and out of the crack stepped a pair of sharply dressed physicists, still quite inebriated from the rave they had left.
"This isn't the Taco Bell," said the first.
"Oh... you know what?" said the second. "We totally forgot to carry the nine!"
His flight computer alerting him to the wayside travelers ahead, Adam Sandler pulled the e-break and swing his train into a parking drift, a skill he had perfected over the past two Fast and Furious movies. The freight train came to rest right alongside the men, and Adam rolled down a window.
"Whoa man, it's that guy from that thing!" exclaimed one of the scientists.
"It so is that guy!" agreed the other.
Not detecting any mode of transportation nearby, Mr. Sandler leaned out his window and inquired of the men how it was that they came to be stranded in the middle of the Wasabi Desert.
"Excuse me," he said. "How'd you guys get here, and do you need a ride?"
"Pffft! Nah. We actually got this... thing... or something."
"Yeah. Wanna see it?"
Adam Sandler, not being a man who would pass up on an opportunity to look at "things", disembarked from his vehicle to meet the men. As he neared, he noticed a distorted shimmering in the air.
"Is that the thing?" he pointed to the movement.
"Keen eye" remarked one of the physicists, "Not even Bill Clinton saw it was there".
He then proceeded to explain how the object was called Universe HoleTM, and that a Universe Hole could take someone to any point in space provided that they factor in the right equation. It was a new kind of technology being developed by the people down at Circuit City, and it would make freight trains obsolete.
"Would you like to go somewhere?" asked one of the men.
"Sure!" said Adam. "I'd be crazy not to! Where can it send me?"
"Well, it's still in prototype, so for safety reasons we can only send you to places that have air, but me and Frank here -this is Frank by the way- found one planet that I think will blow your mind."
"Well send me there then!"
The physicists obliged, and Frank punched in some coordinates on his iPhone 27.
"It's ready when you are."
Adam Sandler faced the shimmer in the air. He examined it closely from where he stood, and the inched forward to try and listen to the other side.
"Hold on... are there any armed gunmen waiting for me?" he asked. "Because *spoiler alert* this is almost exactly how Grown Ups 3 ended".
"Nope. Spectacular movie... but nope."
Accepting physicist's reassurance, Adam Sandler took a deep breath and stepped through. The portal had no depth, so he crossed over almost instantly, and on the other side, he beheld a sight most freakalicious. It was a creature unlike anything he had ever seen in before, but it matched the description of something that the Fedora Party kept lobbying for in 2053, back when they had majority vote in the U.S. Senate. Something, that was supposed to change the world forever; the House of Representatives wouldn't have none of it though. Anyway.
As startled as Adam Sandler was at the sight of this creature, it was at least twice... no, three times as startled to see him. Before Adam had arrived it had been munching on some dark green leaves in a sandwich bag, but now it stared with eyes wide and and jaw loose at the uninvited actor before her. She gawked at him for a time, then looked down to the leaves, up at the actor, down to the leaves again.
"This is really good stuff!" she finally managed to say. "I think I've found my new favorite supplier."
The pony beamed with joy for having stumbled upon the finest quality herb in the land, as she continued to shift her gaze from the plants to the person. After about half a minute of this, however, her eyes locked on Adam and the smile dropped away from her face.
"You're real, aren't you?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm real," he replied. "Are youreal?"
The pony glanced to the plastic bag at her hooves. "I thought I was real... but I'm not so sure anymore."
"What's in the bag?" Adam gestured to the ground.
"Nothing! It's none of your business!" she snapped. "What are you, some kind of magical narc?"
"What if I am a magical narc?"
"Well then it's none of your business!" she took the plants and stuffed them in a nearby saddlebag before trotting off. "You're not my mom, leave me alone!"
"I don't think your mother would approve!" Adam shouted as the pony broke into a gallop. This was the second alien he'd ever met, and he was starting to think that maybe they were all potheads. Adam heaved a sigh and turned to survey the landscape. There was a brand new waiting to be explored, and he hoped they had bathroom.
The actor began walking at about noon. Two hours later, and it was still noon. Four hours after that, still noon. At seven thirty, Mr. Sandler checked his phone.
"That's really weird" he remarked. "The sun should be setting right about no-"
As if to spite him, the sun set just before Adam could finish his sentence. It dropped in an instant and the moon rose to take it's place. Adam jumped at the pure shock of it, and he stared at the sky, wondering what the heck had just happened. He contemplated this for a little while, until an idea formed in his head.
"That's really weird," he said. "The sun should be rising right about... right about... right about..." he stared expectantly at the sky, and nothing happened.
"Meh, worth a try."
So Adam continued walking. It was midnight when that happened, and he saw the first signs of civilization at around midnight. It was a town that he saw, quaint, rustic, and with a gaudy rock formation in the very center.
He advanced towards the first citizen he saw, until he got nearer and realized he was chewing on some dark leaves. After that, Sandler adjusted his course to go around the stallion, but was invariably noticed.
"Whoa!" yelled the pony. "This is good stuff!"
"I'm real," declared the actor as he walked past, tapping the stallion on the shoulder to prove his point.
The pony gasped and began following him. "It's a real-live talking sasquatch!"
"I'm not a sasquatch," the comedian replied. "I'm a human and my name is Adam Sandler."
"Whoa, totally epic name man. Adam Sasquatch."
"Not Sasquatch, Sandler."
"Adam Sandwich! Even cooler!"
"Please leave me alone. I want to talk to someone who can think."
"Dude, thinking... that's so deep," remarked the pony. "If you want to talk to someone who can think, I can take you to meet Princess Twilight."
"Really? You have a monarchy? My planet doesn't have those anymore. Not after King George VIII signed the Second Magna Carta." He mused at how things had changed over just a few decades. "Sure, I'll meet your princess."
So the pair began walking. Adam followed the stallion through streets and back-alleys, and into buildings and down fire escapes, weaving this way and that until they finally came to rest before the gaudy monstrosity at the center of town.
"This is it," he said. "Princess Twilight's CastleTM."
"What?!" exclaimed Adam. "You could have just told me it was the big rock in the center of town! And why did we take that deviously complicated route when it's just right here?"
"Well excuse me for taking the scenic route".
"Whatever," and they went inside.
The building was all shiny crystal on the interior, and the room was empty save for a yellow pegasus, working some sort of reception desk, with a bag of leaves on the table.
"Whoa, it's a sasquatch!" she exclaimed.
"That's what I said!" replied the stallion. "But actually, it's some weird tall guy, and his name is Adam Sandwich."
Adam opened his mouth to correct the both of them, when suddenly they heard from upstairs the sound of hooves stumbling over each other. A moment later they were greeted by the sight of a purple pony barreling down the stairs- apparently she had tripped over herself in an attempt to rush down. When she finally hit the bottom, she stood up and nursed her head for a few moments.
"Fluttershy," she said. "Find Spike and have him send a letter to Celestia, I found out we can smoke it! Also, did somepony mention a sasquatch?"
"Nah, false alarm, princess. Just this tall guy I found on the edge of town." The stallion directed her gaze towards the comedian.
"Oh" said Twilight. "I remember these. Tell me sir, what high school do you go to?"
"High school?" he inquired. "I graduated eighty years ago. What makes you think I'm in high school?"
"I was unaware that your species was capable of doing anything else. My only experience with humans is in high school."
Adam laughed at that. The idea of being in high school forever was funny somehow. Once he had caught his breath, he addressed the princess once more.
"So, princess, you've had dealing with humans before?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied. "I've made many journeys to and from the human world, each time dissolving parts of the high school caste system, learning more about the Magic of Friendship. Recently though, I've encountered a faction called the 'stoners', and they've introduced me to the Magic of Weed."
"What!" he scoffed. "Everyone knows not to listen to a stoner, those people are idiots!"
This seemed to offend Twilight greatly. "I'll have you know, Mr... Mr..."
"Sandwich, Adam Sandwich," said the stallion.
"Dude that's an epic name."
"That's what I said!"
Twilight cleared her throat. "I'll have you know, Mr. Sandwich, that I happen to a stoner myself, and I'm the smartest mare in all of Equestria! In fact, we're all stoners, except for Princess Luna and a few others, but we banished them to the moon, because weed is good and anypony who says otherwise gets banished to the moon!"
"That sounds barbaric!" Adam replied. "And I should know, I starred in the Conan the Barbarian remake".
"Do you dare defy me, young Sandwich?"
"You know what, I do. Drugs are bad, m'kay? You can't do drugs, they make you stupid. You're probably the smartest mare in all Equestria because anyone with the sense to keep their head clear got sent to the moon."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Twilight screamed. "You should not have made me your enemy."
Twilight summoned her magic, the first magic Adam had ever seen (except for that time when Houdini came back from the dead), and she blasted a hole in the wall of her castle, and hit Adam with some sort of otherworldly laser beam that played Bob Marley music. He felt himself being thrown upwards with as much force as the Saturn 5 rocket, and before he knew what happened, Adam Sandler above the lunar surface, and falling fast.
"Dear Luna!" screamed a pony below. "That sasquatch is about to die!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" announced a voice in the distance.
Collective gasps rang out through the gathering crowd.
"It's a bird!" said one pony.
"It's a pegasus!" said another.
"No you idiots! It's Princess Luna!" said a third.
Being upside down and falling like he was, Adam couldn't see what these ponies saw, but he certainly felt the impact. One moment he was plunging to his doom and the next he was thrust sideways, caught by a pony he could not see. She smelled like lavender.
Soon the princess had alighted on the ground, and Adam, being upside down like he was, was carefully dropped on his head. The actor stood up and tried to rub the pain from his head. It was then that he got his first good look at Princess Luna. She was strong, and proud, and noble, and she towered far above the regular ponies, standing almost four feet tall, from hooves to horn.
"Thank you for saving me," he said.
"It is my duty and my honor to protect all those who would openly defy Twilight the Foolish, named so for experimenting with the evil herb. Now what is your name, and what do you do, good human?"
"A-Adam Sandler" he replied. "I'm an actor."
"Well Adam Sandwich, it seems the prophecies have been fulfilled. It was foretold that on the longest day of a thousand of a thousand years, the stars would aid in my escape. I was banished to the moon once before, and yet broke free. I knew that I would be have to be banished at least one more time, though, because the Equestrian calender is two years fast. Now that you've arrived on the Summer Solstice of the new millennium, a star... a movie star... may aid in my escape."
"Wow," thought Adam out loud. "I've done many things in my life, but never before have I been the subject of a prophecy. I mean, I've foretold a few, but never been foretold. What a great honor. I'll help you, my princess".
Luna took a step forward, to face the comedian. "In that case, I dub thee, Sir Adam Sandwich," and she balanced on the tips of her hooves in order to knight him with her horn.
"Welcome to the resistance," she said. "Together, we can win the war on drugs".
"Where should I start?" he asked.
"There." She gestured to a large object that lay sprawled across the lunar surface. "It was foretold that only the chosen Star would be capable of controlling such an device. Use it to transport us back to Equestria, and we will do battle with Twilight, and her puppet princess, Celestia."
"What will prevent them from banishing us right back here?" he asked.
"Weed has clouded their minds and put a limit on their power. They will not be able to perform another banishment spell tonight, which is why we must act as soon as possible."
"Right away".
Adam turned and ran toward the object, an long tunnel it was, almost, that stretched for a mile across the landscape.
"Hey!" He frowned as he approached. "That's my Mercedes!"
He trotted toward it, and gawked at the sheer unlikelihood of this ever happening. Clambering into the cockpit, he pulled a sticky note off the dashboard and read.
Dear Colonel Sanders,
We totally forgot you might might need your freight train, so we went ahead and sent it over. If any aliens find this, it means we missed and this thing landed somewhere else. Leave it the hell alone, it's not yours. Have fun Mr. Sanders and have a nice life.
Sincerely, Frank and Sinatra: The Physicists
PS: We loved you in Click, are you ever gonna make a sequel?
"What luck!" exclaimed Adam. "Hey!" He called to the pony resistance a little ways off. "Get in, we're leaving now".
With all ponies on board and all hooves on deck, Adam initiated the start up sequence and put his train into Space Flight mode. His friends all called him crazy for buying the interstellar package, 'When would you ever need it?' they used to say. Well today, today's the day he needs it.
"Hold on to your... your... you don't have anything to hold on to. Just pretend you have hats, and hold onto them for me!" he shouted as he punched into overdrive.
It couldn't have been more then ten minutes later that they breached the atmosphere, and Adam was sure that he violated several speeding laws back on earth.
The train screamed through the air, and pink flames, hotter than the sun itself, began to envelope the craft. Vibrations shook throughout the cabins, so much so that the pony with the beverage cart was forced to stop what she was doing.
Moments later, they crashed on the steps of Canterlot Palace.
"Why did you bring us here?" asked Luna. "Twilight is the true source of power, and she lives in Ponyville".
"Yes," replied Adam, "but smell the air. They had just learned to smoke when I left, and I heard they would be sending a message to the one you call Celestia. Messages are great for a variety of things, but one cannot simply describe how to roll a joint, that is a skill that must be passed on in person".
He sniffed the air once more. "Even in orbit I could smell it, this place reeks like no other. This is where we'll find the both of them".
Find them they did not have to, however, for moments later Twilight and Celestia appeared on the balcony overseeing the palace.
"I see you've returned, traitor!" announced Twilight.
"I don't even know you!" Adam screamed back. "Much less am I a citizen of your country!"
"Not you, High School Graduate," replied Twilight. "I am speaking to Princess Luna."
Luna stepped forward and shouted. "You're the traitor here, Twilight! You've abandoned your sacred task and pursuit of Friendship in favor of weed, the very embodiment of stupidity!"
"Guards!" called Twilight. "Lock them away."
The great palace doors swung open, and out poured a flood a massive flood of royal guards, thoroughly stoned out of their minds.
"You can defeat them!" said Princess Luna to her followers. "They don't even know where they are right now!"
"You can defeat them!" said Princess Twilight to her soldiers. "They have jobs!"
Both armies charged at each other, one filled with holy conviction, and the other with righteous angst. Princess Luna herself joined the fray. She swung with a right hoof, and a left, and dodged and danced to and fro as stoners blindly flailed at her from all sides.
Adam put up his fists and prepared to battle as well. Rocky 7 may have been cancelled, but that training was going to come in handy today.
"Come at me!" he shouted, and ponies came at him.
He did a judo kick, and hit one in the face. Then a karate chop, and another was on the ground. A pair of hooves bucked him gut, it didn't matter; Adam had a rock solid core from years of P90X. He just flexed his pecks when the impact landed, and shattered that pony's hooves on his abdomen. He threw punches and caught punches and executed flips normally reserved for Jackie Chan; today Adam Sandler was the ultimate fighting master.
A pony swung from the left, he caught it. A pony swung from the right, he caught it. Then he swung his arms and formed an X and bashed their skulls together. There's no limit on what one can do, as long as they aren't on drugs.
Suddenly, Twilight screamed. "Stop!" she called out. All eyes fixated on her.
"Are you ready to surrender?" asked Luna. "Have you seen the futility of your actions?"
"No..." said Twilight. "Adam Sandwich thinks he's hot stuff, there's not a scratch on him. Adam, you shall face my champion, and when you are defeated, the resistance will fall."
"What if I don't want to face your champion?" he asked.
"JUST FACE MY CHAMPION!"
"Fine."
Ponies of each faction ceased to fight, and lined up on either side of the palace doors. The ground began to shake, softly at first, but intensifying every second as the champion grew nearer. Everybody watched the grand entryway, expectantly, awaiting Twilight's Knight. A humongous shadow loomed in the archway, and a moment later, the champion showed his face. It was an enormous purple dragon, standing nearly five meters tall, donning a giant rasta cap on his head, and brandishing the world's largest joint in his claws.
"Fou- *cough* four twenty blaze it," the dragon wheezed, and the royal guards rang out in celebration.
"You can defeat him," said Princess Luna. "I believe in you."
Adam Sandler cracked his neck. "Of course I can defeat him, I defeated Godzilla." He broke into a sprint.
"Turn up!" screeched the dragon, before charging to meet his opponent.
At ten feet apart, both warriors leaped into the air, performed a somersault, and collided with one another. The sheer size of the dragon threw Adam down to the ground, and the force left him gasping for air.
"Beaten so soon?" said the champion, before lifting his foe high into the air. "It's off to the cannabis farms for you then."
Adam wouldn't give up so easily, however. This was more or less what he was intended. Being now the same elevation as the dragon's face, he gave him a smart kick to the snout, and the dragon roared in minor pain.
"What?" Adam Sandler was alarmed. "How are you not defeated? I hit bopped your nose!"
"My spikey-wikey is stronger than that!" called Twilight from above. "Nothing can stop him!"
"Dude..." said Spike. "I'm totally gonna maim you for that."
"No you're not!" declared the comedian. "I shall destroy your source of power!!!!"
He stretched out his arm to the massive joint in the dragon's mouth, and summoning the strength of the twelve tribes of Israel, tore the instrument of evil in two.
"Noooooooo!!!!!" Spike's face was one of pure terror. He dropped his captive to the ground and collapsed into a magical seizure.
"Do you know what you've done!?" screamed Twilight. "You've destroyed the Joint of a Thousand Mix Tapes. Noooooo!!!!" she cried out, before collapsing into a magical seizure of her own, followed by her army of darkness.
In the midst of all this, Adam stumbled to his feet, and approached Princess Luna.
"You've saved us all, Adam Sandwich."
"It was my honor, Princess. What will you do now?"
"Now," she said. "We will rebuild. I shall place both Twilight and Celestia on Princess Probation, their powers to be restored if they successfully complete one thousand years of rehab. Until then, I shall need another to rule by my side. Tell me, Adam, have you ever been a princess?"
"No, but I was governor of France once."
"You've got the job."
Author's Note
Don't do drugs, kids.
