Assault on Lorn V

by Spiddy

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human, Dark
Length: 9805

A story of a guardsman, who managed to survive on a giant snowball among the battles between Imperium, Eldars, Orks, Forces of Chaos, Necrons and Ponies.

Matt was a regular Imperial Guardsman. A so called "cannon fodder". His job was to defend the inhabitants of the Imperium, or just die trying. And he loved his job as much as he could, jumping into heat of battle with such lack of fear, that he could embarrass Gray Knights. Even through that, his luck managed to keep his career rollin' for much longer than a career of a regular Guardsman, always being rescued by brothers in arms, or just being left unconscious on the ground when the fight was moving forward. His life changes after the sudden assault of the cute magical ponies that manage to break the whole Imperial army, and take Matt as a captive.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-25 14:39:36 UTC

Chapter 1: A new threat to the Imperium of Man

Five Imperial transporters were moving through the dense snowstorm on the frozen fields of Lorn V. Every vehicle was filled up with twelve Imperial Guardsmen, one driver and one gunner. Sound of a raging wind echoed inside every cabin. Small viewing gaps on the sides were showing nothing more than a solid white. Guards were not talking to each other, just sitting and waiting til the end of the ride.

Inside one of the transporters there was a one guardsman, that is important in our story. He was a little smaller than the rest of his brothers in arms. His shoulder pads were nearly covering his whole forearm, making him look quite funny. He was tapping the floor with his boots in a rhythm of a song that he got stuck in his head. His face was covered with an old gasmask model mp4. It was a real relic that he stole from one of the devastated reliquaries, but no one ever noticed it.  His flak armor and uniform were green, just like the rest of the Guards. He had a green helmet strapped to his head, green cloth gloves and black boots. Symbol of the Imperium was on the front of his helmet. His left shoulder pad had an proud white inscription “412 Cadian Shock Trooper”, and right one had a white symbol of Cadia. His name was Matt.

After a few hours Guardsmen noticed that vehicle stopped, turned around and moved backwards for a moment. Then access ramp hit the ground with a thud and someone yelled from outside

"Crawl out, you dogs!"

All Guards quickly rose from their seats and runned out. Matt did the same, but even through dense snow was covering most of the sunlight, he was blinded by a brightness of the outside. After a few seconds his eyes adjusted to that, and the guardsman looked at the giant line of trenches. It looked like they prepared to an enormous battle. He was stunned with that sight.

"Hey, soldier! Come here now!"

Matt noticed that an officer waved at him, demanding to come closer, so he hurried there. He quickly ducked, propped up on the earth and jumped inside the trench. Imperial Officer who demanded the guardsman to run to him had the green coat and a hat. His face was covered in scars. A few medals were pinned to his uniform. He was standing next to a small steel table. On the table there was a big radiostation, a pair of binoculars, a laspistol and an actual paper map. The powered sword was leaning against the edge of the trench.

Matt saluted

"Guardsman Matt on duty!"

"So that is your name, young veteran? I can always recognise that mask, it's quite original. Where did you dug out that shit? By the way, I never really seen you without it on your head."

The guardsman stood at attention quietly.

"Matt, you are quite strange, but I like you. Glad you survived the last Necron assault. For a while I was afraid that our chaplain wouldn't be able to sew you into one part. He was quite moved with your battle cries. He said you really trust the Emperor. I think you just went crazy back then..."

The officer looked into the distance, and after a while he asked

"Do you even know with who are we going to fight?"

The soldier shook his head left and right.

"Do you have any idea how many races are living in the whole space?"

Matt slowly started to count on his fingers and said

"Well... Tyranids, Orks, Eld..."

"NO, NO, NO! They are just known to us. If you want to know, in the whole space we can have unimaginable amount of different species. You will never be able to fuckin imagine the whole space. For some reason this giant snowball, called by some “Lorn V” is attracting many new representatives of alien scum! First Necrons and now..."

The officer looked on the horizon through a binoculars and pointed it out. He smiled and said

"Well, there they are. Shall we send them greeting salvo?"

Matt raised his hand over eyes and looked at the pointed direction, but it was impossible for him to see through the blizzard what was five meters away, not to mention longer distances.

The officer chuckled with his heavy voice and passed his binoculars to a guardsman.

"There. Now look over there."

Matt slowly raised them and drew them to his eyes. A strange shapes standing on the horizon were highlighted. He gasped

"Wow, that binoculars are some high tech equipment!"

The officer chuckled again and hit Matt's helmet with his fingers.

"Damn you, kid! You are the only person that can cheer me up without even trying. You were trained to use this shit when you were eight!"

The soldier lowered his head

"Ehm... Sir... I actually am not Cadian. It's just a documentation error. I never really even seen Cadia."

"Ya joking, right?"

"No Sir, I tried to explain this many times, to many people, but they didn't even care that a conscript is in elite forces. One of the commissars said that before they will change anything, I'll be already dead, so it would be a waste of time. Heh, I even laugh when I remind myself that one."

The officer scratched his head and joked

"Damn, you are definitely living longer than they expected. Shouldn't I execute you right now for not complying administration directives?"

A stupid smile on his scarred face looked plain wrong, but after a while he forced himself to be serious again

"Anyway, could you just look through this high tech piece of shit and tell me coords at the upper right corner? It would make my job way easier."

The guardsman saluted and yelled

"SIR, YES SIR!"

The officer smiled and said

"Just be sure that you hold the enemy between the edges of that triangle in the middle, or results might be bad."

Matt looked through the binoculars again, holding them in both arms. After a while he said

"I believe that they'll be... Plus fifty two degrees... twenty six minutes... eleven dot twenty seven seconds! Plus twenty degrees... three minutes... five dot ninety three seconds!"

The officer slowly moved his finger on the map that was lying on a small table and mumbled

"Might be, Matt. Might be..."

Then he straighten up, took up radio microphone and yelled to it

"Basilisks, listen up! Send an earthshaker at location Plus fifty two [...]"

It took a while to tell the location, but after a while the officer told his orders and said to Matt

"Well kid, now look there again for a while."

Matt looked back at the horizon through the binoculars. The loud, characteristic shot sounded behind him. Then a big earthshaker shell fell right into the distant enemies throwing them into air. Matt saw a big amount of them tossed up by the power of the explosion. He looked steadily and saw that they are shaped like... horses? Maybe they came here with their mounts or...

"What happened!? It missed?"

The officer intently asked

"No, Sir! That was a bullseye! They were flying like birds! Maybe except the fact that birds are not falling down with such a velocity and crash on the ground into bloody marmalade."

"That's the spirit, Matt! If other officers have such a skillful assistants as you, those horses will flee faster than they came here!"

Matt looked on the officer with confusion

"Sir, horses?"

The officer scratched the back of his neck.

"Ah, damn it! I was not supposed to tell you that! Pretend that I didn't said anything, ok?"

"Sir, but why!?"

"Don't ask me that, kid! Orders from above! Now gimme back my bino's!"

The officer snatched the binoculars from the hands of the guardsman. Then he looked through them and turned pale.

"Oh shit! To arms, soldiers! Enemy is getting close to our lines! What are you staring at, Matt!? Check your rifle and get on position, you idiot! Marines, come closer to the trenches! What are you afraid of!? You have heavy armors on your asses, and we are standing on the first line!? Ya cowards! Machine gunners, get ready! Leave no xeno alive!"

Matt quickly ran along the trench leaving the officer's yells behind, filled an empty position and put his elbows on the ground, aiming his lasgun into white snowstorm.

Guards were silent. They felt hoofbeats trembling the whole ground that got louder and stronger with every second. After a while a big army of ponies ran out of the dense snowfall. They were wearing yellow armors that were covering their heads, sides of their necks and their backs. They had halberds tied to their shoulders, Matt concluded that they were similar to Grey Knights weaponry, but Pony ones were partly wooden and they were not powered. Few enemies had a horns on their heads that were shooting some kind of energy bolts, and some of them had wings which were used to hover right above their companions.

Yells of the officer suddenly got clear

"Open fire! Open fire!!"

Immense wall made of bullets, lasers, grenades and flames hit the enemy squad, but not as effective as expected. A few ponies fell down riddled like a Swiss cheese, but others didn't even look at them, still galloping forward. Every human was constantly shooting, and every second one pony was collapsing , and then getting trampled by their mates. But after a moment many of them managed to jump into trenches and kill humans with halberds. Guardsmen and Space Marines had no chances in melee combat, because pony weapons were easily piercing even the thickest armors.

The officer panicky crawled out of the trench and yelled

"Get out of this trench right now! Relocate to open field!"

Matt just discharged his second lasgun clip, but he immediately jumped out and continued to change mag on higher grounds. He saw that not too many soldiers managed to get out of trench alive, but he believed that they can still win this battle. He finished reloading and started shooting at one of the ponies on his left, that was charging at the Space Marine. Unfortunately our hero didn't noticed another pony that was running in his direction, so he was knocked into bomb crater with an enemy pinning him down and punching him with hooves.

"Agh, you son of a bitch!"

Matt yelled. Response was quite fast

"What do you know about fighting, human? Weak, stupid, fragile and non-magical. Worthless!"

Adrenaline did it's job, so the guardsman didn't even feel pain after every hoof-to-face. But every hit was making him feel weaker, and his vision was getting darker. He knew, that if he won't do something quick, he will faint and most probably get a taste of some halberd.

Matt felt his lasgun under his hand. He grabbed it and tried to hit his opponent with it, but pony pushed the rifle down.

"Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing back there?"

Pony asked. The guardsman yanked the rifle and hoof slipped off from it. The lasgun rapidly went along the arc. Bayonet attached to the end of it slipped between the plates of pony armor and impaled in the neck. Pony fell on it's back and choked. Human slowly stood up and looked at his dying enemy.

"Gah, who is worthless now, you fucking bitch!?"

The guardsman took a few deeper breaths and started thinking what should he do now. What would the officer do? Maybe boost morale, cause yells above are clear that soldiers are fleeing in terror. But how he is supposed to do that? He is no commander type!

Matt suddenly spotted a nice imperial banner, lying inside the crater. It probably felt there, when some explosion pushed it out from the ground.

"Well, my new little friend." - Matt said to pony soldier that was drowning in his own blood - "Looks like you might help me after all..."

Human snapped his rifle out of pony's neck, took a swing and cut the head off. Then he hung his rifle on shoulder, grabbed imperial banner, sticked the pony head on top of it and walked out of the hole holding the modified banner up in the air. Then he nicely sticked it in the ground.

Matt laughed to himself

"That's a beautiful example of modern art."

In the same moment Matt got interested with the familiar harsh voice. When he looked at the direction, he saw an officer hovering nearly 2 meters above the ground surrounded by a purple glow. A purple mare was standing in front of him with a nasty smile. She had a more protective armor than the others and her halberd looked more dangerous, as it was double-edged. She also had a horn on her head that was glowing purple. Just like a trapped officer.

She asked:

"Well, human. Why don't you just give up? I don't want to kill such a cute creature, you know?"

"I'd rather die!"

The officer replied and tried to split in mare's face. Unfortunately she made a step back avoiding that ranged attack.

"Oh, looks like you are quite bullish. Believe me, this will hurt me more than you."

She aimed her horn towards the officer. The glowing got way more intense, and the officer started yelling in pain. In a moment, his arms and legs were ripped off. The limbless body was thrown in Matt's direction and purple pony went back to killing other humans.

Petrified Matt runned to the officer's body. His legs couldn't keep the tempo, so he tripped a few times falling on the bloody soil. His knees and gloves soaked with blood. After running few meters, that seemed to last like a half of hour, Matt kneeled next to the officer. He was  barely alive, coughing blood.

"Sir? A... are you ok?"

The officer responded with pain:

"Do... I look like I'm fucking ok?"

"S... Sir! Maybe I should bring a medic or find some bandages or..."

"Kid, you got so involved in this fight that you still don't know that we already lost? Look around."

Matt slowly looked around the battlefield. Huge amounts of steaming bodies were lying on the ground. There was no whit of snow that was not soaked with blood. It looked like a real hell.

"Take my things... Whatever you want..."

The officer was mumbling, while blood was dripping through his mouth.

"Binoculars, documents, laspistol... my hat. There is my sword lying somewhere... Take what you want and run away... Hide somewhere."

"But my only dream is to die for the Emperor!"

Matt yelled with regret in his voice

"I... never thought I will hear that... from the... IG's mouth. I... propa..."

The officer couldn't end the sentence. He coughed and relaxed his muscles. His eyes were still open, but never as empty before. Matt felt so sorry for him. Now the only thing that was in his mind was a hate towards that fucking horses. He looked at purple pony that was shooting energy bolts at imperial survivors. Matt closed the officer's eyes with his open palm. His voice was full of sorrow. It whispered

"See you soon, Sir. Sooner than you could expect."

The guardsman took the rifle off his back, checked if it's reloaded and if bayonett is holding steadily. Then his hands clenched on the cob and he dashed in mare's direction with full speed.

The soldier bounced from a big stone lying next to his enemy. He swung his rifle down, but bayonett only made a long cut on purple pony's side. She screamed and jumped back. When she looked on the wound, it was already dripping with blood. Pony stared very angrily at Matt and asked

"You didn't want to do that, am I right?"

The soldier was currently not in the mood for chit-chats, so he ignored the question and charged on her with rifle near his hip, getting ready to impale the bayonet deep in horse skull. Before it got close, the bayonet glowed purple and stopped mid-air. Pony laughed

"You really thought it will be THAT easy?"

Matt tried to move the rifle forward or back, but it was impossible. Then he grabbed the cob from the side and pushed it with the whole strength. The gun rotated around the bayonet, made a 180 and hit the pony right in the head. She was quite stunned, and unable to still hold the gun, so it started to fell down. Matt quickly grabbed it by the barrel and swinged it with his whole arm. Before back of the rifle managed to break purple pony's skull, it bounced back from the energy shield quickly casted by her. Matt looked at the purple bubble for a moment, he quietly laughed while raising the rifle over his head, still holding it by the a barrel, and made it fall down. Cob of the rifle hit the shield with quite a power. Slam echoed inside the bubble, and powerless pony twitched a little, slowly lying down. Matt raised the rifle again.

Another hit was even stronger. Pony put her head down, sweat was dripping from her body. Matt already felt the taste of win. A regular guardsman is a step away from killing enemy commander, all by himself. That must be a miracle. Other ponies around were still chasing fleeing soldiers, and didn't even thought about helping the purple pony with one human. No one could notice, that she actually was in serious danger.

Matt touched the ground with his rifle, giving himself a little rest. Lasgun scraped the ground and raised higher than before. Cob started falling with a great velocity.

Milliseconds before impact the shield disappeared. The guardsman couldn't predict that. Unable to stop the rushing rifle, he hit the ground and lost his balance. Before Matt stabilised, purple pony raised her head and using the remaining energy, she pushed human back with magic.

Matt flied in the air horizontally, with his front directed towards the sky, waving his arms and legs. The guardsman felt like he was falling for a few minutes, and for the whole flight he couldn't believe that he just fucked the whole situation up. So close... so fucking close...

Suddenly Matt hit the lying rock with his helmet and passed out.

Chapter 2: Welcome to Ponyville.

Matt slowly opened his eyes. He saw a wooden ceiling. That surprised him a little, because he knew that only orks build things with wood. The guardsman quickly stood up and looked around. He was in the room with a stone walls, a window, a door, one table, two chairs and a small pile of hay on which he was lying before. Matt never saw hay, so he grabbed bunch of it and examined it. A small crispy straws confused him, but suddenly he found out that this thing is everywhere on his uniform, between the sheets of his armor and inside his boots. They were not too comfortable, so our soldier sat on the chair, took his boots off and shook the whole hay out. Then he put them back on his feet and jumped a few times, so hay could fall off his clothes. Sound of armor sheets hitting each other was quite loud, but Matt was too confused to think about it. Remaining straws that got stuck between clothes and armor were quickly drawn by hand. When the guardsman finally got rid of hay on him, he came closer to the window and looked outside. The sight terrified him. It was a town with houses made from stone, wood and hay. And on the streets there were hundreds of ponies walking from one place to another. Matt mumbled to himself

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'm so screwed."

Human suddenly heard a clopping sound behind the door. Unconsciously he moved his hand to take the rifle off his back and... oh FUCK! There is no rifle. What now? What now? Matt quickly checked his pockets and searched for something he could defend himself with. Well... Some trash, a half eaten chocolate bar (or at least chocolate-like matter) a spare button to his jacket and two grenades – frag and flash. He bought them once from ratling for a few packets of cigarettes. The guardsman hid the frag grenade in his right pocket, and threw everything else to the left one. Then he grabbed a frag grenade, holding the tip of it with thumb and put his forefinger through the loop. He was ready.

Doors opened with creak and stopped halfway. Then a pony head slowly slid through them. Big eyes examined the whole place and stopped on terrified Matt. A soft calming voice said:

"Oh, I'm so glad you are awake. I was so worried about you."

Finally doors fully opened and a yellow pony with pink mane walked inside. She looked so innocent, that Matt's heart melted in seconds. He carefully took his hand off the grenade, feeling absolutely secure. He felt that she will never let any of that other ponies harm him. He couldn't squeeze a word out of his throat anyway. Pony slowly continued:

"Don't be afraid. You are safe. My name is Fluttershy, and I will take care of you. You can ask me for food... or water... and I can play with you whenever you want. Do you understand? Nod your head if you do, ok?"

Matt shook his head up and down and said

"Well, everything is clear to me for now."

Yellow pony raised her front hoof in surprisement and asked:

"Oh, you can talk?"

"As we can hear obviously..."

Matt knew that she for sure didn't took a part in the battle, because she would know that humans talk. She asked:

"Do you have a name? If you don't have any, I can come up with one if you want..."

"No, no! My name is Matt."

"That's such a nice name."

Pony gently walked closer to human, looking at his eyes all the time to be sure that she won't startle him. Then she asked:

"Maybe you want something to eat?"

"Y... yes. I'm quite hungry."

"But what do humans eat?"

"Well... just tell me what do you have."

"I have some cake... and..."

"Cake!? I suddenly became positive about that whole situation."

The guardsman laughed a little

"Oh, so you like cakes?"

"Of course! Cake is elite's food! I want it, I want it, I want it!"

Pony smiled and said:

"You are such a Pinkie Pie."

Matt quickly made a step back.

"What? No, I'm not a pie! I hope you don't want to eat me or something. Please, I'm not tasty. Let me live!"

Fluttershy quickly tried to calm him down

"Pinkie Pie is a pony, and my friend. I just meant that you are a little similar to her. Nopony is going to eat you. We don't eat meat."

Human breathed a sigh of relief.

"Umm... wait here and I'll bring you a nice plate of cake."

Pony quickly walked through the door. Matt came closer to a chair and sat on it, trying to guess what is going on here, but instead he spent 2 minutes in a nearly vegetative state. Pony came back with a nice big triangle shaped piece of chocolate cake on a plate and a small spoon. She put it on a table next to the guardsman and with a warm smile she wished "bon appetite". Matt put his fingers under the lower part of his gasmask and raised it, revealing his mouth and a stubble. His eyes got covered by rubber of a mask. Then he blindly grabbed a spoon, missing it a few times and hitting table with his hand. It quickly dived into chocolate cake, cutting off big pieces and throwing them into his mouth. The soldier was loudly munching on bites and humming to show how much he likes it. When the last piece falled between Matt's teeth, he pulled the mask back on his chin.

"Mmm, it was delicious!"

"I'm glad to hear that."

Pony said happily, and added

"Let's have a little talk, shall we?"

The guardsman swallowed the last bite of a cake with a loud gulp, and asked:

"Well... what do you wanna talk about?"

"Oh, about anything. Just for some entertainment"

Matt thought for a moment scratching his neck, and finally he asked:

"Why do you care about me so much?"

"Because animal care is my hobby, silly."

"Oh, so you think I'm an animal?" - Matt asked with a stupid smile on his face, because he just found so much irony in this situation.

"I... I'm sorry!" - Pony said with worried voice -"I didn't intend to offend you! It's just... for us... well, for ponies... you are something like an animal..."

Matt chuckled a little. Then he looked down, at his boots. He was rhythmically tapping the floor. Fluttershy was looking at that for a moment, and to break the silence she proposed

"There will be a gala tonight. Do you want to come with me? There will be snacks and games! And music. You seem to like the music."

"Well... why not. I guess a little fun won't kill me. And maybe I will meet some more ponies..."

"That's great!" - Fluttershy clapped her hooves. -"Then we should prepare for the party. You should take a bath before going out, Matt. Your smell is quite... intensive"

"But It's the smell of 100% fine man! Natural thing that says to everyone around: Hey, I AM ALPHA MALE! Show some respect, if you don't want trouble!"

Matt started laughing, but he spotted that his little friend took it seriously. He quickly explained

"I'm just kidding! Of course I can take a bath. Hygiene is one of Imperial Soldier's duties."

"Oh, another joke. You seem to really like jokes." - Fluttershy smiled towards human -"I'll fill bathtub with hot water."

"Ok, I'm waiting." - Matt smoothly rolled off the chair and jumped on a pile of hay facing up. He put his hands under his head and decided to take a little nap before bathing.

Before he fell asleep, Fluttershy was already back and asked human to follow her to a bathroom.

The guardsman looked around. Meh, normal bathroom. One bathtub, one sink with mirror above it, one toilet, one cupboard and ceramic wall tiles. He came closer to a bathtub, took off a glove from his right hand and delicately put his finger into water.

"Yeah, it's alright. So now I can bath..."

Fluttershy was still standing in bathroom waiting. The guardsman decided to ask

"What are you waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for you to take off your clothes and get into bathtub, so I can clean you with sponge. Oh, should I help you with that?"

Matt was a little stunned, but he reminded himself that she thinks he's a pet. He replied

"Just leave me the sponge and go out. I can take care of myself! Be sure to close the door."

Fluttershy looked a little disappointed, but she walked out.

Human took off the second glove, unbelted his flak armor and delicately put it on the floor not to break something. Then he took off his helmet, gasmask, boots, uniform and underwear. He slowly walked into the bath and laid down. Warm water was very pleasing for him, as for the last few months he was on the snowy battlefield. With a sponge he carefully cleaned his whole body. Then he put his head under water and washed his hair. After a while he was clean and nice. Matt crawled out of the bathtub and used a towel that was hanging on a hook at the wall to dry himself. When he finished, he put his clothes and armor back on.

"Oh, you are quick" – Said Fluttershy after seeing Matt getting out of the bathroom. He was holding helmet in his left hand by a straps, because his hair was still wet. Anyway he had his gasmask on his face.

"T... thanks? Bathing is not a big deal..."

The guardsman sat on a chair again and put his hands on his knees. Suddenly Fluttershy said:

"You have such a cute mane."

"Er... You mean my hair in general, or only the front part of it?"

"Yes, hair! Your hair is nice."

Matt moved his open hand from his forehead to the back of his neck, adjusting his blonde hair

"Well, thanks! I like it too."

For a moment they were both quiet. Matt started tapping again with his boot. His new little friend looked at a clock on the wall and gasped

"Oh! Look at the time! We should be going now. Let's go on a party, Matt!"

"Allright" - Human said while standing up from a chair and belting the helmet to his head -"I'll be right behind you!"

Matt and Fluttershy were going through the dark streets, slightly brightened by lamps. The guardsman was looking around and trying to make some evacuation plan in case something goes wrong. He was thinking:

"Hmm, I spy with my little eye a giant fucking energy shield, and big stone walls with those dumb guards. What should I do... There must be a shield generator somewhere inside that village. Probably right in the middle. I could turn it off, or even destroy it. Walls will be harder. I could defeat guards near the gates, or just blow the fuck up a part of that wall. Or maybe... my new little friend has wings. Maybe she, or any other pony with wings could help me get on that thing. Then I would jump from it into the soft snow... and maybe break my legs...

I could make some improvised charges. Do they have chemists here? Maybe I should ask Fluttershy..."

The guardsman finally came out of his reverie to find out that for a last few minutes he was starring at... a round bouncing flank. Matt swallowed his saliva, and looked a little up, hoping that she didn't spot it. Her big eyes were already unsurely glancing him. Matt quickly tried to explain:

"Wait! It's misunderstanding! I just had a moment of thoughtfulness and seriously, I paid no attention to what I was staring at! I'm not any kind of pervert or something!"

Pony slowly tilted her head, but in this awkward situation she didn't knew what to say, so after a while she looked forward and pretended that nothing happened. The soldier felt a heavy stone on his heart, painfully pushing.

"By the Emperor, such a shame."

A few ponies were also wandering around the town. When human walked by, they were pointing at him and whispering.

"Hey, is it that alien who nearly disemboweled our defenseless librarian?"

"I heard that it massacred a corpse of a royal guard. So bad, that his coffin arrived here already closed and nailed. Keep away from that monster."

After 10 minutes of walking, that seemed like hours, the scene with giant speakers was in the sight. Between those "two towers" there was a DJ console, and a white pony with a blue mane that was operating this thing. Big, purple sunglasses were covering her eyes, even through it was a middle of the night.

Tables and chairs were like a 20 meters from stage, but the music was not very loud. Still it made conversations harder. Smaller speakers were placed on a few lanterns, also playing the music.

Fluttershy looked back at Matt and said

"Well, this is the place. I guess you can take care of yourself also at the parties, so you can have fun. I hope you will enjoy this."

"It looks very nice. I'm sure I will have some good time."

"I will be near my friends. We will be across that bridge..."

Pony pointed the small bridge that was crossing a little brook.

"Ok, I get it!"

Matt shook his head and immediately headed towards the tables. He sat on a chair next to some vacant table, and put his arms under his head. He was thinking about his past, reminding himself Imperial barracks. It was not so bad after all. Doing pranks with other Guardsmen, trading with things stolen from storages. Even through these things could end with immediate execution, they were all entertaining themselves like this. Was it even a real army? Matt slowly started to realise, that Imperial forces on Lorn V were a joke. Should an officer treat his soldiers like a friends? Every soldier was lacking any discipline, and that's why whole army was wiped out by a bunch of horses. They never took this war serious...

The guardsman suddenly felt insecure. He looked around and noticed, that DJ pony quickly looked away.

-"Was she staring at me? Do I really look like a monster?"

Some plum coat pony slowly came closer to Matt's table. Human noticed it and became starring at her, trying to make her go. It was not very effective...

"Hello. You seem to be a little alone."

Plum pony noted it loudly

"Mhm"

Matt muttered. He seemed a little angry.

"Hey, do you want to hit the bar? I would really like to have a human friend."

The guardsman suddenly revitalized

"You... you are telling me there is a bar?"

Pony giggled and asked

"You are also a little thirsty, aren't you? If you know what I mean, of course."

She winked.

Matt felt that a nice melange is getting near. Let's show those little milk drinkers how men party!

"Let's go already! I can't wait!"

"Oh, teehee. You are more thirsty than I expected! Follow me. By the way, I'm Berry Punch."

"I'm Matt. You have a cute name."

"Oh, thanks!" - Pony smiled -"Yours is cool too, Matt. Matt - Sounds very manly. Good to have some real men here, most of them are sissies."

Berry and Matt laughed a little. She continued.

"Oh, but I'm serious. Some of the stallions around here are more girly than a normal mare. And their names, a horror! And they are rocking from side to side after a first drink. I hope you will keep up with me, will ya?"

"Don't worry. Slavic blood runs in my veins. When you will wake up in a detox centre, I will be just starting."

"Don't be so sure! We will see."

They both sat on a chairs next to a counter. A light gray pony was standing next to some shelves with bottles. She immediately said

"Hi again Berry! Is this your friend?"

"Yeah! His name is Matt. He is a human."

Gray pony put her hooves on a counter and gave the guardsman a seductive look

"Oh, a human. I see... Humans are so cute."

Ashamed Matt looked at his boots to avoid the eye contact.

"Stop those jokes! You are making him feel unsure. Do you always have to do this? When I will come here with a dog, will you try to flirt with it too? Shoo! Shoo! Get back to work, you lazy mare!"

Matt trembled a little and quietly said

"I'm not a dog..."

The barmare winced and responded

"Oh, come on! It's not my fault that every time you come here with more handsome stallion! And that human is really cute."

"D... Don't call him cute!" - Berry got nervous -"He is a soldier! He has an uniform and armor on him! A helmet! A gasmask! Do you know what is job is? His job is to kill! And I'm sure he alone is more manly that all of the stallions from this sissy town together!"

A crazy purple pony grabbed Matt by his arm with her hooves and pulled him. Then she nuzzled him and continued

"Ahh, he smells like a mixture of his sweat and blood of the ones who dared to fight with him!"

"Hey, I just took a shower!"

Matt tried to interject, but Berry just kept talking

"Do you have any idea how many blades and bullets passed through this tough body?"

"I was lucky enough to have only a few scratches..."

"Do you know how strong he is?"

"Bullshit! I can barely make 30 push-ups! Can we finally drink something?"

"Hey, give him everything he wants and write it on my bill, ok?"

The barmare nod her head and replied

"Just like always, miss."

Berry Punch pouted

"Don't cross the line, miss."

The guardsman delicately put his arm on Berry's back and said

"You know, we were supposed to check who can drink more, so maybe we should start our little competition?"

"You are right. Barmare! Two glasses of something strong, please! And don't walk away too fast, I feel this will be intense."

The barmare grabbed a bottle of brown liquid and two shot-glasses. She put glasses on the counter, and deftly filled both of them.

Berry lowered her head and looked, if shots were equal. Then she grabbed her glass and said

"Get ready, Matt."

The guardsman also grabbed his glass and raised his gasmask, so he could drink it.

Berry started the countdown

"Three... two... one... go!"

They both poured alcohol into their mouths. Matt smacked his lips. Berry quickly said

"Another one, please!"

Both competitors put their glasses back on the counter. In no time they were filled again. Matt was quite blind, because raised gasmask was still on his head. Berry ordered

"Now you do the countdown, Matt!"

"See you under the chairs" - Matt joked, and as fast as he could, he counted - "ThreetwooneGO!"

And they continued the competition.

Chapter 3: Can I study you a little?

When Matt woke up, he was nicely welcomed by an enormous hangover. He quickly looked around to see where he was sleeping. That was not too surprising - it was the floor between chairs and a counter. After a longer while, when senses slowly started to work again, the guardsman noticed that something was lying on him. It was Berry Punch - snuggling to his chest, asleep. Her breath was tickling Matt's chin, but the intense smell of alcohol from her mouth was blocked by a filters in gasmask. He delicately rubbed her cheek with a finger, and said

"Wake up, sleeping beauty."

She slowly opened her eyes, looking directly into eyes of the guardsman. She yawned, rubbed her head with her hoof and immediately asked

"Who won?"

"I have no idea, we have to ask someone."

She slowly raised up from Matt's body, and refrained from throwing up. The guardsman got back on his legs right after her, holding on a chair. Berry looked at a bar and asked

"Oh, you still there?"

The barmare was very surprised. She couldn't say anything at first, but later she asked

"Y... you were both sleeping under..."

Berry interrupted her

"No one cares, just tell me who won!"

The barmare pondered for a while, and said

"I don't know. I looked away for a while, and when I looked back there you were both missing. I thought you walked away. Both of you were barely contacting."

The guardsman was holding his stomach. He took a few deep breaths and said

"Ok, let's call it a draw. You are pretty good at this, Berry."

She protested

"A draw? No way! I was sleeping on YOU, so it is obvious that I had to fell down after you!"

Matt was trying to defend himself

"How do you know that you didn't crawl on me after I fell next to you?"

Berry became musing over that scenario. The guardsman added

"By the way, the competition was about who can drink more, not about who can not fall off a chair for a longer time. The barmare said, that we both disappeared in the same time, so after the same shot. There is no winner."

Berry joked

"Are you a detective or something?"

"I heard many quarrels over the drinking competitions before. I just used the arguments that I have already heard."

Berry nod her head. Then she giggled and noticed

"We have to do a play-off, then"

The guardsman could barely hold chyme in his stomach, but when it calmed down, he begged

"Please, don't say anything about drinking for a next few days."

"Ok, ok. Sorry."

Berry looked down for a while, and then on the guardsman. Suddenly she noticed something disturbing.

"Matt... aren't your knees hurt?"

The guardsman looked on his legs. There were two big blood stains, one on each knee. He replied

"No, no. It's not my blood."

"Whose blood is it, then?"

"I'm afraid... it's a blood of my brothers. I should wash it off."

Berry looked at the idle soldier. She realised, that just yesterday he was the only human who survived the battle. Yet he was having fun. Maybe death is just too familiar to humans. They get used to the fact, that everyone around will die, and they just stopped caring.

Matt staggered a little, and decided

"I have to go home now. I guess that I live in that Fluttershy's home, right?"

Berry responded

"Maybe. How am I supposed to know? Sorry that I won't accompany you, but I just have to go home immediately. I guess you have to go..."

Berry raised her hoof in a direction

"That way."

Matt looked in the direction. Yeah... he probably came from there.

"Thanks, Berry. See you later."

"See ya, Matt"

Said both mares.

Matt added

"Yeah, see ya later too... um... barmare."

And he hobbled away.

Human walked through the village, searching for Fluttershy's home. Suddenly a cyan pegasus with rainbow mane and tail fled over him, yelling

"What do you think you are doing?!

Stunned guardsman looked at her with undisguised astonishment.

"Da fuck you want?"

"We were all searching for you whole night! Where you were hiding!?

"Nowhere... or maybe... nevermind."

"Ugh, you are so stupid. Grab my hoof."

"You are stupid!" - the guardsman said, and noticed her hind leg stretched in his direction. He delicately grabbed it with his hand just as ordered.

Pony was irritated

"No, grab it tight, with both limbs you idiot!"

The guardsman tried to ignore insults, and grabbed her leg tight with both hands. She started flying up, and managed to raise him little, but she couldn't fly any higher. She went back down and yelled

"Agh, not only stupid, but also fat! I can't raise such a barrel of fat!"

"What!? I'm not fat, you bitch! I have a metal plates all over my body! And you are just too weak to raise anything!"

"You little... worthless..."

She stopped, calmed down and said.

"Just follow me, fatty."

"You are a fatty."

She was flying low, so the guardsman could see her. They both moved on some kind of town square. There she landed, and said

"Wait"

For 10 minutes they were standing in the middle of the square, not saying a word to each other. Matt was watching the traffic around the place. Then he heard a familiar voice.

"Oh, there you are. I was so worried about you. What you were doing?"

Human looked in the direction of the voice. He saw Fluttershy, and 5 ponies standing behind her. One of them was that rainbow "fatty". He replied

"Well, I met some new friends. And I had some fun... I guess. I can't really remember."

Fluttershy came closer, put her hooves on Matt's chest and nuzzled him. Then she said with disappointment

"You were with Berry Punch, right? You shouldn't hang out with her. She have a big problem. Everypony around knows that."

Then she did a few steps back

"Girls, this is Matt. Come closer, Matt, so my friends can introduce themselves to you."

The guardsman walked toward Fluttershy's friends. Cyan one fled closer and said

"Well, I am Rainbow Dash."

Then she frowned and added with sarcasm

"It's really nice to meet you."

When she fled away, another pony came closer. She had an orange coat and blonde mane. She asked with a smile

"Howdy, Matt. My name is Applejack. Do you like apples?"

Matt thought about it for a while

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"Then you can visit my farm any day. If you want to earn some bits, you will be always welcomed!"

"Some what?"

The guardsman asked

-"Bits are money here."

Fluttershy explained

When she walked back, another pony that approached to him was a purple unicorn. Matt couldn't remind himself where he have already seen her.  She said with grimace

"Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. We already know each other a little, right?"

The guardsman noticed a bandage on her side. - "It's you..."

Twilight tried to smile a little

"Hey, don't do anything stupid. I'm sure we can be friends."

Matt crouched, moved his head closer to Twilight's head and whispered

"You killed my brothers. You tortured my officer. Sure..."

He chuckled

"We can be friends."

And he straighten up.

Twilight looked at him for a while, and did a few steps back. After her a pink pony did a few jumps in his direction, and said really fast

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! I really like games and parties. Do you like parties, Matt? Oh, I'm sure you do! Everypony does! Do you want an invitation to a party? Here it is! Take it, if you want!"

She pulled out an envelope and passed it to Matt. Guardsman slowly stretched his arm, pinched the envelope and hid it in one of his pockets.

"Thanks, I'll open it later."

"Of course you'll do!"

And she jumped away just as she approached. Last white unicorn with purple mane didn't do a single step closer, but started talking from a distance.

"I'm Rarity. Sorry that I won't come closer, but your clothes seem to be very dirty. And I don't want you to get me dirty. You should wash them, or something..."

"Well, sorry. Just... you know... battlefield is not the cleanest place on the world."

"I'm sure it is not. But I know a great laundry. I can take you there."

"I have a better idea!"

Twilight interfered

"Fluttershy, can I borrow your human for a while?"

The guardsman looked at Twilight angrily. Fluttershy replied

"Oh, you should ask him. He is not somepony's property"

Twilight seemed irritated, but she asked the guardsman

"Well, can you follow me somewhere?"

"As long as you don't want to kill me."

The guardsman said. Twilight did a fake laugh, and justified

"If I would like to kill you, I would do it back when you were lying unconscious on the ground. Rarity, could you go with us?"

"As you wish, darling" - Rairty agreed

Matt followed two ponies to a giant tree. A tree with door and windows. Twilight used her magic to open the door, and walked inside. Rarity and Matt followed her. When they were all inside, door slammed, and Twilight ordered

"Take off your clothes, human."

"What?! Why?"

The guardsman was quite scared

"Because" - Twilight explained - "I need to make a research about humans. Don't worry, I'll just check your limbs and muscles. I'd like to also open you up and check what's inside, but Fluttershy would probably murder me, so I'll just order a human corpse from the outside for that."

"Nah, I don't want to." - The guardsman was rubbing his arm and looking down

Twilight was slowly losing her patience, but Rarity encouraged the human

"Come on, darling. You have nothing to worry about. I have no clothes too, and I'm not ashamed of you."

Matt stared at her for a while

"Indeed... you are naked. Every single pony in this town is naked. Well, whatever."

Then he started to unbelt his armor and joked

"For science."

Twilight looked with a smile at the guardsman that was taking off his armor, and later his uniform. Then she said

"See? You don't have to be intelligent to do something for science."

Matt showed her a middle finger to assure her how intelligent he was, but then he realised, that ponies don't know finger gestures anyway. Mostly because they have hooves.

After a while Matt was standing only in his underwear and gasmask. Twilight asked

"Haven't you forgot about something?"

The guardsman looked down, blushed and pointed his gray boxer shorts

"You mean... this?"

"And don't forget about socks and gasmask"

"N... no. That is enough."

"What is wrong with you? Why do humans wear so much clothes? You don't need them here."

"I don't want to take these things off. Just no!"

"You leave me no choice."

Twilight's horn started glowing. Guardsman remind himself how defenseless the officer was against this stuff, so he quickly proposed a compromise.

"Wait, wait! I have an idea. I'll take off my underwear, but you'll let me keep the gasmask on my face. Deal?"

Twilight smiled

"I could use my magic to strip you off the everything, but whatever. I said that we will be friends. You can keep the mask."

The human pulled his shorts down, and with his toes he took off the socks. Then he threw everything on a one pile. Twilight asked Rarity

"Could you please take his clothes to that laundry? I'll end the research before you'll come back with them."

"Of course, that is no problem" - Rarity agreed and with magic she raised the pile of clothes, leaving only flak armor and helmet on the ground. Guardsman suddenly yelled

"No, no! Wait a second!"

He dashed towards his flying clothes, and pulled out things from his pockets. An invitation to a party, a half of the chocolate bar, a spare button, and two grenades. Twilight immediately spotted them.

"Wait, human. What is that?"

Guardsman hid grenades in one hand behind his back and showed her a chocolate bar.

"This? This is a food. Chocolate flavor. Do you know what chocolate is?"

She winced and intently asked

"No. I meant those two small barrels that you just hid."

Guardsman showed her grenades

"Hid? No, I did it unintentionally, because I thought you were asking about that chocolate bar. This is my... medicine."

"Medicine?" Twilight asked with surprisement.

"Yes, I'm ill. I have... asthma. I need to inhale this every day and night." - Matt took the flash grenade, pulled out a pin while still holding the tip of it with his thumb, and pretend to inhale something from it. Then he slid the pin back on it's place. - "Sorry for doing this now, but I forgot about my morning dose."

"Right... we don't want you to die. Don't forget about your medicine later."

"Don't worry, it happened to me for the first time. Just... you know. Too much experience for a two days."

And he threw all the stuff he was holding in his hands near his armor.

"Can I take this now?" - Rarity asked.

The guardsman nod his head, so she left with clothes hovering in front of her.

"Alright" - Twilight walked towards the human - "I guess we should begin."

"Just be gentle" - Matt said and immediately he burst out laughing

"Don't worry about that"

Twilight circled the naked guardsman a few times, inspecting him carefully. She noted loudly

"This hair on human body is strange. It's too thin to provide any warmth. Maybe except your head... and private parts"

Matt was standing still. His hand suddenly became glowing purple and moved in Twilight's direction against human's will. She continued

"Five fingers. Opposable one is thicker than the rest. Every one have different length. And they have pink nails..."

She pressed one of the nails with edge of her hoof

"...soft, pink nails. Do they have any other purpose that scratching your own butt?"

Matt said with the faltering voice

"No, I'm afraid not."

Twilight ordered

"Now try to keep your finger curved, when I'll try to make it straight."

Matt nod his head, and curved his fingers. Glowing intensified, and he felt that something was pulling his finger away from his palm. He kept the finger curved. It was getting stronger and stronger with every second. Human's muscles were shaking, but he was opposing the magic. Twilight was quite impressed

"Strange... why do such a small fingers have so much strenght?"

Guardsman quickly explained, showing his forearm with index finger of the other hand.

"Because muscles that move my fingers are here. They are going all the way through."

As he said that, he moved the finger from his wrist to his elbow.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you can check it out." - Guardsman grabbed Twilight's hoof and pressed it to his forearm. Then he moved his fingers. She blushed a little, and pulled her hoof out of human's grip.

"Wow. I felt that... Anyway, let's continue!"

She leaned on him and became poking his chest with her hoof, slowly moving down.

"So this is rib cage. How many ribs do you have?"

The guardsman thought for a while

"I have no idea."

She continued poking

"Right, you'll tell me later."

After a while her hoof touched the soft part of human belly.

"Your guts are there, right?"

"Nah, my guts are in my faith in the Emperor of mankind"

The guardsman became laughing. Irritated pony pressed her hoof deep in human's belly, but suddenly it was pushed back. She asked

"What was that?"

"Muscles of my stomach? You didn't thought that it would be a defenseless part?"

"For a while. But it would be quite strange."

Twilight put her hooves back on the ground

"So maybe now... we should look at... your legs."

She looked at Matt's legs from feet to his thighs.

"They are quite muscular"

"I had to walk with the rest of my squad from place to place with bags of ammo on my back. That's why they look like that."

"Right... so now the last thing. I have to see your... genitals."

"Are you sure? Maybe later?"

"Oh, stop blubbering. Just a few moments and it's over."

The guardsman raised his head and closed his eyes. He felt her breath on it, but he tried to think about anything else.

"Come on, Matt. Keep it cool. Think about something gross. Damn, orks are gross. Green stinky murderers. What else... that strange necrons with claws and flesh tied to them. Oh God, they are too much. Fuck, I remember the one that had a stretched human face nailed to his head. And that smell..."

Guardsman quickly put his hand under his gasmask and pressed his mouth, to not vomit. Some of the puke went up, but he managed to swallow it. When he pulled his hand out, and adjusted the mask, he noticed Twilight looking at him with confusion. She asked

"Aren't you too stressed about it? It's just an examination."

"I'm not stressed. Just... too much alcohol yesterday."

"Of course. By the way, could you think about something... arousing? I need to take a few measurements."

The guardsman was highly annoyed

"Come on, end the test already!"

"Delicate subject? Are you ashamed of something?"

"I have nothing to be ashamed of! It's perfectly average!"

"Should I help you with that?"

That question launched human's imagination. Even though he tried to stop it by thinking about everything gross he could imagine, blood already rushed through the detour. Twilight joked with a satisfied voice

"That was not so hard. Oh, wait. It is."

She pressed the measure to human's member

"Well, comparing it to size of your body, it's quite disappointing, but it's not so bad. Now you can sit down somewhere and wait for your clothes. They should arrive shortly."

Frustrated human sat on a chair, and pulled out a random book from the closest shelve. He looked at the cover - "Abyss of magic". Maybe this one is also "not so bad". Before Matt managed to read through the second page, doors have open and Rarity came inside with his folded clothes. She said

"There you go! Clean , fresh and dry. I said that this laundry is great."

"Oh, thanks... what was your name again?"

She looked at the guardsman with disgust

"Rarity. I remembered your name, Matt.

"I'm really sorry! I have a big problem with remembering names. Thank you again."

"Oh, it's nothing."

Guardsman put his clothes back. His uniform smelled like flowers. Then he put his flak armor and helmet on, and hid all his things back to the pockets. After that he announced

"I'm going to Fluttershy's house. Later."

He walked out and kept walking forward, until he noticed that he still don't know where Fluttershy's home was. Matt became wandering around hoping to find the right house, when suddenly five guards blocked his path. One of them said.

"Hey guys, look who we have here. Is it that worthless creature that defiled our friend?"

Another one came closer and looked in guardsman's eyes, touching gasmask exhaust with his nuzzle. Matt tried to remember as much about him as it was possible. White coat, blonde mane, a scar on top of his nuzzle, tired eyes...

"Not only friend. He was my brother. Do you know, you walking failure, that you killed my brother?"

The guardsman was as smooth as always.

"Wow, I am such a failure, and I defeated your brother. In that case I guess I did him a favor."

The pony hit him in face with back of the halberd, and became kicking the lying human with his whole force. Some mare yelled

"Leave him alone! Why are you torturing that poor creature!?"

One of the guards pushed her back

"It's not your problem miss, move along!"

"No way. I said - leave him alone! I'll tell princess Celestia about this!" - mare pushed the guard back, and other guards pinned her down.

"Calm down, you shouldn't have done that."

The one guard that was kicking the human, gaped at the fighting mare. Matt used this pause to pull out a flash grenade out of his pocket, pull out the pin and yell

"OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT!"

Everypony around stared at the flying object that was thrown by a human. Suddenly it exploded with flashing light and a bang. Matt escaped from under the guard and blindly touched everything around, while he barely heard yells of the ponies.

"Where is he!? He escaped! Can anypony see!?"

Suddenly he felt something big and wooden under his fingers. He climbed on it, and fell inside. Increasing pain and vanishing effects of adrenaline made him lose consciousness.