Robin Hoof

by Red Ranger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Dark, Romance, Adventure
Length: 2227

My first attempt at anything other than a short story, a story recalling the role Robin Hoof played in the banishment of Princess Luna to the moon.

King Discord's reign of terror has ended. However, with his power no longer a factor, the aggressive Griffon Kingdom has seized the holy land of Ponystine. Princess Celestia has taken the Royal Army to reclaim it, leaving Princess Luna in charge in her absence. Now the war is nearly won, and one of her most valiant soldiers, General Robin, has been named the Earl of Hoofington for his invaluable service. He and his first lieutenant, Little John, head home to Trottingham to claim his new title. However, when they do arrive home, they find that Princess Luna has a rather different way of running things, rather oppressive. It's up to them to keep the dying country alive until Princess Celestia can return to put an end to the madness.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-24 05:05:51 UTC

Prologue and Chapter the First

Greetings, dear reader. I am Friar Tack, the royal archivist. By order of Princess Celestia, I am to account the story of a pony named Robin, the Earl of Hoofington. He was a valiant soldier and a good man. As archivist, I am to make sure history remembers him thusly. And so, I present to thee, dear reader, the story of Robin, the Earl of Hoofington, the Lord of Marewood Forest, and the Savior of Trottingham. Allow me to set the scene: Trottingham, several years after the defeat of King Discord. King Discord had been in charge not just of Equestria but the whole world. Now liberated from his bonds, the Griffon Kingdom was free to exercise its infamous aggressiveness. Its leader, General Death-talon, seized the holy land of Ponystine. Our noble leader, Princess Celestia, was leading Equestria’s military force against the griffons, leaving her younger sister Princess Luna in charge of the country in her absence. The war was nearly won now, and several soldiers were finally returning home, among them the young archer Robin, whose invaluable service in the Crusade had earned him the title of Earl of Hoofington. Now, he and the stallion who had been his first officer in the war, the hilariously misnamed Little John, actually a quite large fellow, were making the long trek back to their hometown of Trottingham. On the way, they come across a curious scene indeed.

“Please, please! Have mercy, I beg of you!” yelled the red-coated stallion.

“Those who think themselves above the law of the land deserve no mercy,” replied one of the three navy-clad royal guards.

“You misunderstand me, noble guards!” said the stallion, now groveling at their hooves, “I do not think myself above the law of glorious Equestria!”

“Then why have you broken it?”

“Because I may not be above it, but I believe the fundamental laws of survival are! My family is starving, we must eat!”

“Then you ought to have purchased food on market day.”

“I can’t afford to! Sheriff Bushel Britches’s taxes have rendered us broke!” The guard looked taken aback.

“Surely, you don’t blame the honorable sheriff for your strife?” The red stallion’s eyes widened.

“Of course not! Of COURSE not, noble Galloway of Gisbuck!” Galloway smirked.

“Tell you what, Mr. Scarlet. If you give that bread to me, we shall let you off easy. Rather than the death penalty, I’ll simply break your right arm. The pain shall remind you  that stealing is wrong.” The red pony ceased his groveling, but stood up. Now was no longer the time for fear. These ponies were not royal guards, they were monsters.

“No,” said Scarlet.

“No?”

“No. My family needs this bread, and I’ll not give it to you.” The guard smirked again.

“Well then,” he said, drawing his sword, “I do hope they need that bread more than they need you...” Suddenly, there was a sharp, unbearable pain in Galloway’s hoof. He screamed and dropped his sword, prompting Scarlet to run for cover. The other two guards drew their swords, and Galloway looked at his hurt hoof to see an arrow lodged in it. Furious, he yanked the arrow out and exclaimed “WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHO DARES ASSAULT A ROYAL GUARD?”

“Oh dear,” responded a voice. The guards looked every which way, frantically attempting to determine the source of the response. “It seems you’ve hurt your hoof. Perhaps you and your men should return home before your little walk in the woods results in further injury.”

“WHO SAID THAT?” demanded Galloway, “WHO’S OUT THERE?”

“Someone who cares dearly for your health, and knows that the forest is a very dangerous place.” With that, the speaker chose to reveal himself. A green-coated, golden-maned pony leaped down from the treetops and trotted over to Scarlet. “I mean, this poor fellow nearly got killed just now and it seems someone’s shot you with an arrow! I’d hate for something to happen to you.” The guards pointed their swords at him, until Galloway said,

“Stand down.” He had noticed, as would the other guards a moment later, the large, beefy pony aiming an arrow straight at his head. He proceeded to trot over to the green stranger, the bow still aimed at his head. “Who are you? What is your name?”

“Why, I am General Robin of the Royal Army, good Galloway,” the stranger said, “And this musclebound fellow is my friend and first lieutenant, Little John.” Little John waved at Galloway, his arrow still aimed to kill. “Lower that weapon, would you, friend? This man is on our team, aren’t you, Galloway?” Little John reluctantly lowered his bow and ceased to pull back the arrow.

“A thousand apologies for shooting you, Galloway. I was aiming for this filthy criminal,” lied Little John.

“That’s quite alright, Sir. Any of us would have wanted to shoot him.” Galloway turned to Robin. “It’s good to see you back from the Crusade unharmed, Sir.”

“Thank-you, Galloway.” Robin reached into his saddlebag and drew from it a scroll. “I have here a little something from Princess Celestia,” he said. “By her order, I am now the Earl of Hoofington, a small sub-city of Trottingham.”

“And now you’re headed there to claim your prize?” inferred Galloway.

“Precisely!”

“Well then, by all means, allow my men to provide you with an escort! We can bring you up to speed on all that’s changed since you’ve been gone, Sir!”

“That is most kind of you, Galloway! Little John and I graciously accept!”

“Splendid! We’ll drop you off on our way to bringing this criminal to the dungeon.”

“Wonderful!” Robin turned to Little John. “John, I’d thank you to give me my bow lest you once again feel compelled to fire on the prisoner.” Little John obliged.

“Say,” said Galloway, “would you like to do the honors?” he held out a pair of hoofcuffs.

“I’d be delighted to, Galloway!” replied Robin, taking them. He trotted over to Scarlet and put the hoofcuffs on him. “Don’t you worry, Scarlet,” he whispered, “I’ll get you out of this. I don’t yet know how, but I’ll get you out of this.”

“You always were a snake, Robin,” he whispered back, “your talent for deception remains intact. You damn near had me fooled.” They’d have shared a chuckle were Galloway not within earshot. “Unfortunately,” continued Scarlet, “not much else is intact. Everything has changed, Robin.”

“I will see these changes for myself, Scarlet. And then I’ll get you out of this. That’s a promise.”

“Finished with those cuffs yet, Sir?” asked Galloway.

“Yes, Galloway, let us away! Onward to Trottingham!” With that, the party began walking to Trottingham, with Robin and Little John anxious to see the changes Scarlet had so solemnly spoken of.

Chapter the Second

And so, a procession of 6 ponies marched toward Hoofington: General Robin, his first lieutenant, Little John, Galloway of Gisbuck and his two fellow guards, and Scarlet the prisoner. For his invaluable service in the war, Robin was to be made the new earl of Hoofington, a sub-city of Trottingham, where the prisoner was being taken to his date with justice.

“So,” asked Robin of Galloway as they were walking, “how does the justice system work nowadays?”

“Oh, far differently than how it did when you left, Sir,” replied Galloway, “You see, with all Celestia’s guards and soldiers gone, noble Princess Luna has put together her own little task force, called the Sheriffs. One for each town, you see. And their job is to gather as much money for the Princess as possible through tax collection and fines.”

“Fines?” interrupted Little John, “for what?”

“Don’t be rude, Little John,” said Robin, “the good Galloway here and I are trying to converse.” Little John groaned.

“Sorry, Robin,” he said.

“Please continue, good Galloway.”

“Well, as I was saying, Sir, the sheriffs are in charge of getting as much money for Princess Luna as possible, by collecting the taxes, which are heightened as needed, and by claiming fines for crimes. You see, in war time, Princess Luna can place fines as high as she wants on just about any crime so as to fund the war effort.”

“Yes, to fund the war effort, not for her own personal gain as well as that of her little inner circle!” interjected Scarlet.

“SILENCE, PRISONER,” yelled one of the guards. Scarlet obeyed.

“One more outburst out of you, Prisoner, and I’ll have my men do away with you. Then we’ll take your net worth and it just might pay off your tax debt. Now, as I was saying, General, Princess Luna uses the money she collects to fund the war effort.”

“So I see, so I see. And how much does this prisoner owe in fines for theft of bread?”

“Well, he owes twice the cost of the bread, so about 200 bits.”

“Bread costs 100 bits now? How on Earth did that happen?”

“War rations, Sir. Food is more expensive than ever. We’re experiencing something of a shortage what with the bulk of the food going to the soldiers.”

“Well, that’s a bit perplexing. I don’t remember receiving much bread from home.” He turned to Little John. “Do you, Little John?”

“Negative, Sir. We barely saw a scrap.”

“Perhaps,” suggested Galloway, “that tyrant Princess Celestia took it for herself.” Robin was taken aback.

“Princess Celestia a tyrant?”

“Well, yes. Have you not seen Princess Luna’s brilliant posters? Why, here’s one now!” The possé stopped to examine the poster in question. It depicted Princess Celestia, drawn in a significantly exaggerated size, stepping on an Equestrian soldier, while a Griffon Kingdom soldier and a second Equestrian soldier both watched in horror from afar.

“It is Princess Luna’s view,” said Galloway, “that our enemy is the tyranny of Princess Celestia, not the Griffon Kingdom.”

“A most fascinating opinion...” observed Robin. “Perhaps Little John and I should continue onto Trottingham after all. Hoofington can wait, I’d like to hear more about this tyranny.” Galloway’s eyes widened. One could nearly see a lightbulb above his head.

“Yes! Perhaps the Sheriff himself could tell you all about the plan!”

“Plan?”

“Your skill is legendary, General, you’d make a fine part of it!”

“Part of what? What plan is this?”

“You shall know, Sir! You shall know! Yes! We shall go to Trottingham, meet with Bushel Britches, the honorable Sheriff of Trottingham, and he shall tell all!” Robin feigned excitement.

“Yes, let us move!” he said, “my curiosity is peaked!” With that, the possé moved on. And, after a little while longer of walking, they finally reached Trottingham.

“Say, I don’t remember that gate being there,” remarked Robin.

“Oh, that’s just the border guard,” said Galloway, “there’s one on every border of every Equestrian city nowadays. That way, nobody comes and goes without the Princess’s learning of it. Allow me to handle this, Sir.” They approached the border guard.

“Name and purpose,” said the border guard, somewhat apathetically.

“Captain Galloway of Gisbuck, my men, General Robin, and Lieutenant Little John. Here to bring a prisoner to Sheriff Bushel Britches.”

“You may pass.” And so they did.

“Now, Sir,” said Galloway, “we shall take the prisoner to Trottingham’s city hall. There you will meet the Sheriff.”

“Splendid.”

“A little word of caution, General, the Sheriff is a good and noble man but he’s a tad short-tempered. I would advise trying to avoid upsetting him”

“I certainly value your advice, Galloway. Thank-you.” Robin waited for Galloway to not be looking and trotted over to Scarlet.

“Anything else I should know?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Scarlet whispered back, “‘short-tempered’ is the understatement of the year. This guy’s freakin’ crazy. If you so much as fail to do your mane properly, he will kill you.”

“Thanks, friend. Yours is the advice I truly value.” With that, Robin returned to Galloway’s side. And not a moment too soon, for they had arrived at the City Hall, and Sheriff Bushel Britches was there and waiting. From the warnings of both Scarlet and Captain Galloway, Robin inferred that this stallion would not approve of consorting with the prisoner. And, ghee whiz, did this pony seem like the kind of pony one didn’t wish to vex. Though he was no alicorn, he was unusually tall and his elegant, Klingon-esque beard only added to the deeply unnerving glare of his deep, dark, unblinking eyes.

“Welcome back, Captain Galloway,” he said, in the deepest, most booming voice one could possibly imagine, “who are these men you’ve brought with you?” Galloway bowed, and gestured for Robin and Little John to follow suit. Scarlet refused.

“Sheriff Bushel Britches,” said Captain Galloway, “I bring with me General Robin and his first lieutenant, Little John. I believe, Sheriff, they could be useful in the Plan.” The sheriff grinned his terrifying grin.

“Rise,” he commanded. They obliged. “Please,” he said, “do come in, General. We have much to discuss.” He turned to Galloway. “As for the prisoner, Captain, escort him to the dungeon. We shall determine his sentence later.” With that, the sheriff walked inside, assuming that Robin was in tow, and Captain Galloway’s possé dragged Scarlet to the dungeon.

“Better come in with me, John,” said Robin. Little John nodded, and they entered the City Hall, wondering if they’d be the same when they came out.