Never Work With Children or Animals

Come the day of the interviews, Ponyville town hall found itself the centre of attention. Mayor Mare's ad hoc committee were occupying the best seats available and a stage had been put up to prepare for a stream of hopeful applicants. Ponies from across the town and countryside had gathered to have a go, and some from further afield were trying their luck as well. The excitement had even drawn a passing griffon, though in fairness he thought he was in line for the box office. Fortunately for those in the queue, very few of the town's weather team were interested in the job, and so the day was as bright and beautiful as could be hoped.

Inside the hall, it was the fourth interview of the day and Carrot Top's turn to take the lead. "So, can you tell us why exactly you'd like to be a teacher?"

The stallion on the stage thought it over for a second. "I'd like to answer that question with a question, if I may. How strict, on a scale of one to ten, would you say the foal labour laws are in this county? Assuming that one means none at all and ten means they're hoof-written by Princess Celestia herself."

"Very," interjected Filthy Rich. "It's honestly a little unreasonable."

"In that case I'll just bow out now and thank you for your time. Man, that mare in the ascot is going to be so disappointed."

***

"Hey, y'all, for my audition today I'll be singin' Old Mare River."

"That's next week, Mac."

"Really? Well, more time to rehearse, I suppose. I'll see y'all round." As he left the hall, Mac thought - but was not certain - that he heard the sounds of appreciative murmurs from some of the panel and hushed outrage from his little sister. He chuckled to himself.

***

"Can you tell us what, in your personal opinion, is the most important part of being a teacher?"

The cheerful, well-dressed mare on the stage took a moment to consider the question. "I'd say it's the responsibility to make sure your kids grow up right."

"I think we can all agree that's a significant part of the role. Just for the record, what exactly do you mean by growing up right?"

"Oh, the same things anypony would value, really. Good manners, an inquisitive mind, blood sacrifices in the name of Hastur the Unspeakable in his palace in Carcosa, that sort of thing."

***

"Suppose one of your pupils was having trouble learning through traditional methods. What would be your approach to the issue?"

The stallion on the stage paused for a sip of water before answering. "Well, ma'am, I've always been a big believer in the value of getting foals out of the classroom and letting them learn in the wider world. Field trips, visits to local businesses, that sort of thing."

"I see. And assuming a reasonable budget, where would the first field trip you organised take place?"

"Well I've heard fascinating things about Tartaros."

***

"No, ma'am, I think you'll find that a beret and a bag of spare trombone parts are not considered appropriate teaching aids anywhere."

***

"I'm afraid you may be lost, sir. I've certainly never heard of any 'Ungula'. And could you please take your, ah, pets with you?"

***

Doctor Stable Condition couldn't help but recognise the next candidate to step out in front of the panel. "Oh, hello Cheerilee. Are you that desperate to get away from the hospital?"

"Doctor Stable! What are-I-ah, it's not like that at all!"

"I'm only teasing, my girl - but when you're already nervous, that's unfair of me." Nervous was visibly an understatement. The young mare was quaking in her horseshoes. "I apologise, and I wish you the very best of luck."

"And you're sure you don't mind?"

"Mind what? A bright young mare going after a job she wants? I don't mind at all! And just between us, you have a darned better chance than some of the ponies we've seen today. I was going to take the lead on this interview, but given the circumstances I hope somepony else wouldn't mind?"

"I can take over", offered Applejack. After pausing for just a moment to make sure there were no objections, she carried on. "So, Missy, can you tell us what first attracted you to teachin'?"

Cheerilee shuffled a little and cleared her throat. "Well, simply put, I like foals. I just love watching them explore the world and find their place in it, and the chance to help them do that as a full-time job is just too good to pass up."

"Uh huh, makes sense. Now, what would you say is the best approach to any learnin' or knowledge outside of the curriculum? Say you're teachin' them their numbers and then one foal asks a question, and another and it just sorta spirals off-topic from there."

"Well firstly, I would try to stay on topic if it were an important lesson covering a new subject. Much as I value an enquiring mind, sometimes the planned lesson just has to take priority. But if we were doing exercises together, or covering old ground again, I'd start with what the kids already know or think and build on top of it. Get everypony on the same level, and then start teaching them new things."

"Alright, I get ya. What if foals started askin' about things they shouldn't ought to know about?"

"Hmm. By that, would you mean more 'adult' things than the class is expected to cover? Something like, for example, war? Or some historical tyrant?"

"That's right, or stuff that's personal and private to you."

Cheerilee rubbed a hoof under her chin. "I think my exact response would vary based on what the foal was asking, but in any case I wouldn't flat out deny them information or tell an outright lie. A few awkward questions are the price for an inquisitive mind, and I think that's worth it. After all, what's the point of being a teacher if I don't help foals learn?"

"Good answer, very good answer. Now, we're gonna go into a few of the more practical questions, if ya don't mind."

"No, not at all. What would you like to know?"

"Well, to start with..."

***

Two days later, the group of ponies who had started thinking of themselves as the Ponyville board of education were once again gathered together in Mayor Mare's meeting room. The mayor was visible on this occasion, having been able to get her books and parchments back into their assorted cabinets, drawers and secret compartments. Most of them were sitting calmly except for Lyra, who was indulging in her habit of pacing as she gave a report.

"I've checked out our two front-runners and as far as I can tell they're both completely above-board. Of course, I haven't had the time to really dig into their histories, but I think that if they had anything major hidden away I would at least have some inkling of it by now."

Filthy Rich raised a hoof. "Two front-runners? I know we all liked Cheerilee, but who was the other one?"

"That mare with the thing about Hastur the Unspeakable. You were getting a cup of coffee when we took a vote, but we figured you liked her well enough."

"Oh certainly, lovely young mare. I'm sure she'll be an excellent fit for the role, if we choose her. So that raises the question of who we do choose. With two good candidates like that, I'm honestly not sure."

"It's a puzzler, alright", replied Carrot Top. "Is there any way we can organise a big, elaborate contest? Possibly with a musical number in there somewhere too?"

"No can do", sighed Mayor Mare. "There's no time to organise a contest elaborate enough, and we're already darned close to going over-schedule on this."

"Well, shoot. I'm all out of ideas."

"I got somethin'," offered Applejack. "You ever have an idea that seems real good, but then you think if it's so good how come nopony ain't done it before?"

"Yes," replied Filthy Rich, "that's my entire business model. Go on, what's the idea?"

"Well how about we let the kids decide? Have both of 'em teach a class, and see which one does best."

"You know, you might be on to something there. We can't let the kids themselves decide, but we could certainly give each mare a trial run, and see who does best. Good thinking, Applejack."

"Aw, it ain't no thing. So who goes first?"

Mayor Mare considered the question with all the gravity due to something as important as the future of the town's school. "Flip a coin?"