So hello everyone, for those that already know who I am, you can skip this. As for those that don't, this is Dark-Castle writing to you with my very first celebrity based fanfiction crossover. This is my first time writing in first person so give me a break there and I'm sorry for the creepiness of this, it kind of took on a life of its own as i went along with it.
“I don’t care for it.”
-James Rolfe on MLP: FiM.
The Bucking Nerd
My nose was itching quite badly; my glasses had fallen down to the tip and had been irritating the skin there. Too bad my hands were cuffed to the desk by security, making it downright impossible to scratch my damn nose, butt holes. No matter how much I wanted to scratch it though, I was just going to sit here like a goon, this bright light shining onto my face like I was in a Dick Tracy game with security watching me through the one way glass. Suddenly a loud buzzer made me nearly jump out of my seat, the door opened to let some doctor walk in. He only took one look at me before he sighed and rolled his eyes before taking a seat.
A man dressed in a brown blazer sat in front of me as he pulled out a chart and mumbled to me, “Patient 110137, you are suffering from a serious case of PTSD Mr… R… Rofle?”
Who was this guy? How could he mess up my own freaking name, even so I had to say, “Rolfe… James Rolfe.” I could see it in his eyes; he was looking at me like some sort of lunatic. He didn’t believe a word I had been saying over the past few weeks.
He mouthed the word, “Okay” before looking through his chart and reading right off of it he said, “Let’s start off where we last left off, you had finished talking to me about your job as the Nintendo Nerd?”
I about had enough with this asshole, he knew who I was and was just mocking me. All I had to do was shout at him for him to understand, but doing that would result in me getting a needle to the neck again. So I simply took a deep breath before saying, “I’m the Angry Video Game Nerd, and we’re on the part where it all happened.”
***Five Weeks Ago***
“Oh man, look what it is. Could it be a good game for once? No, it’s My Fucking Little Pony: Pinkie Pie’s Party for the Nintendo DS. I’m doing this as a fan request even though I have no interest in this stupid show for girls, and since I’m on set for the AVGN Movie, all I have is an emulator version. Anyways let’s play a shitty game.” I remember it as clear as day; I had the icon on my desktop begging to be clicked. I really didn’t want to play it though because it was a game for little girls, who wants to play as a pony and not as a guy with a machine gun. Anyways I clicked open the folder as I was explaining my childhood recollection of this show, “I remember as a kid, I would always see girls I knew playing with My Little Pony dolls. I learned through girly advertisements and girly products that this brand was for girls, by the same company that brought us Transformers and Battleship. Anyways earlier during one of my fan conventions, one guy asked me about my opinion on this miserable fucking toy line and I simply answered him, ‘I don’t care about it.’ I don’t want to say, ‘No, get a life you freak.’ Wow I am getting way off track, so here I am playing the game.” Everything had been going quite normally, I was playing a bad game and making commentary on it. Yet something seemed off, the screen kept jittering. No one else was in the room so I just decided to go with it, I continued to play the game but as I progressed a small bubble popped up under one of the pink ponies… it said, “Why don’t you like us?” Generally I ignored it and thought it was done by the hacker, I kept on playing.
I eventually reached a cut scene, by now I was thoroughly creeped out as I commented, “So aside from a few glitches here and there, the game is pretty solid, solid like a piece of shit left in the sun for a few hours. Who wants to play a game about a pink pony making a party.”
Then… it happened, one of the ponies turned to me and said, “You won’t believe how many.”
Generally in my shows I will have something like that happen, in Atari Jaguar I had a green face come out of the screen and chase me. But that was done with special effects, this was not. I stared at the screen blankly; I was caught way off guard by that comment. It was almost as though she was… watching me. Like a fucking idiot, I reply to it, “Did… did you just talk to me?”
The pink pony, it stared at me without blinking as laughing was heard in the background. The screen began to jitter a bit and pixels began to die away as the pink pony said in a deepening voice, “What made you realize that? After all, I am the older version of the fourth wall destroying pony you will come to know as Pinkie…” Suddenly, everything went back to normal and the ponies went on with their conversation like nothing happened.
Like the idiot I was, I decided to keep playing, assuming this hacker was a pro at timing and animation and that he was playing a complex prank on me. I could never be more wrong. So as I played through a few more levels I kept with the script, “This franchise sucked when it was old, it sucked when this game came out, and this franchise sucks now. Pinkie Pie, prepare to meet your maker. My Little Pony, su”
Before I could finish my sentence, something pushed me back off my chair. I slid until I hit my head against the wall, there was a rapidly growing hum until it blew all the lights out in my room. I have no idea how many hours I was sitting there unconscious, but when I woke up something else was on my screen. Laughter, cute happy laughter was coming from the screen. My head hurt like a bitch but I had to get up and turn off the camera before it used all my data, it had probably been recording the entire thing and would be interesting to look over. So as I walked towards the computer, an episode of the newer My Little Pony that everyone was talking about was playing. When I got back to my chair, the pink one was bouncing up and down. It seemed pretty normal until I saw the background melt away, it was slowly melting away like paint as the pink one skipped happily in circles while she laughed and laughed and laughed. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were glued to this for some reason… it was just so tantalizing.
I watched the pink pony skip and hop and laugh in circles, probably standard for an episode of that stupid show. But once my nose was pressed against the screen, the pink pony bounced away as she said, “It’s a shame we have to do this.”
I was completely stunned by what she said, I had no idea what she was talking about or why I was addressing her like she was an actual thinking creature. Whoever was playing this prank on me had gone too far with this, I was currently watching the screen shut down with only a small light in the center.
I just sat there, staring at the dot in the middle. It looked different from one that was on the screen, this one seemed to be in the screen. I slowly brought my finger up to the dot and poked it, surprized to see my screen crack a bit. I continued to poke it and pull away at it until my screen was just a big white hole, the bright light was nearly blinding me. I silently whispered to myself, “This is fucked up.”
As I poked my head through it, I looked around to see it was just a large void of white. I tried to pull myself away and call for someone, but I seemed stuck to this. It felt like I was on some sort of drug when I looked through the whole, my voice echoed for almost ever when I shouted, “Is anyone in here? What the fuck is going on?”
I finally managed to pull myself away, I got myself to my feet and stumbled a bit when I got to my phone. But when I picked it up, all I heard was static. I jumped for my landline phone but was only greeted with static as well. Thinking that I was being pranked, I stepped out of my trailer, and nearly fell into the infinite void of space if I had opened the door. I shouted at the top of my lungs, “Okay, whatever is going on is either real or realistic. I am either really in the middle of space with a computer monitor that leads to a white void or I am breathing hallucinogens back on the set for the AVGN Movie.”
When I looked at my screen again, there was something poking its head out of the screen, a small pink pony with a grim look on her face as it said, “Nopony ever insults me and hurts my feelings.”
I nearly shat my pants when she charged me, I quickly jumped out of the way and watched it collide with the oven as it said, “Ouch mother of Equestria that hurt!” For the next minute she was rolling there on the ground with her hooves somehow pressed against its forehead as it said, “Ouch… ouch… ouch… ouch.”
After watching it for a few entertaining minutes I said cautiously, “Are you okay?” Why was I asking such a stupid question, I don’t know. All I know was that this pony was harmless when it began to cry. Feeling bad for hurting it, I knelt down next to it as I said, “Are you going to hurt me?”
The pink pony shook its head as it calmly said, “No… I guess you things are a lot faster than I thought. Besides, I was only pulling a joke on you.”
My brows furrowed as I said while pointing out the window, “I don’t think putting me out in the Horsehead Nebula is considered a prank.”
The pink pony jumped to its hooves and trotted up to look out the window as it said, “So that what spatial-dimensional rip means. This is what Twilight was talking about when I break wall number four.”
I cautiously made my way towards the pink pony as I said nervously, “So… do you have a name? And what do you mean wall number four?"
“I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name? And I'll explain everything later.”
“I’m James… but you can call me The Nerd. Wait am I really talking to a pink pony? This is definitely a dream.” Saying that resulted in it head-butting me in the gut, pushing me onto the floor as I groaned, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“To prove that this isn’t a dream, silly, this is really happening.”
“Okay, I still can’t accept the fact that you are from a computer game and are talking to me.”
“Oh, is that what that thing was? You were playing a game on that thingy as you said all those mean things about us?”
“Not about you, it was about the other ones. You look… so much more different.”
“You probably looked a lot more different when you were young. Things change you silly nilly, I changed since then. It’s hard to explain so I better not explain it.”
*****
After a while of talking, she explained to me that the reason she picked me as her target was because I was one of the only people playing that game while connected to the internet. She told me that she wanted me to be a subject for something called the “Fourth Wall” I eventually agreed to it and she explained that on some far away planet, a pony by the name of Twilight (she even sparkles) had casted a spell to view far away aliens through their computer monitors. Turns out Pinkie here was taking the project a step further than she was told to and actually interacted with me, creating this glitch in science and physics that I can’t even begin to explain.
Pinkie looked up at me and then looked outside before saying, “I guess that you should come with me, seeing as being stuck out here would be boring as pudding in a freezer.”
I looked around the room, it had just occurred to me that my trailer was airtight to the point of keeping my supply of oxygen somehow coming. But I didn’t want to run the risk of running out of air and food so I decided to come along with this pink pony. She happily skipped through the monitor, which confused the fuck out of me and made me say, “Just how in the hell am I going to fit in here?”
Pinkie giggled as she said, “Same way as I managed to talk to you, magic!”
“Magic doesn’t exist, I know it doesn’t”
“I remember a good friend of mine saying, a few millenniums ago; we knew the planet was flat. A few centuries ago, we knew unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi could not coexist. Just a few hours ago, you knew that pink talking ponies didn’t exist. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.” That quote seemed so familiar; and it made a whole world of sense. If this pony was brought here through magic, then it was going to be brought back through magic. And I’ll be damned if I’m not going to go to safety as well.
I slowly climbed into the monitor as I said to myself, “Look out, alien world, for you are about to meet the Fucking Nerd.”
*****
The man in the blazer clicked his pen in, he had been writing everything down and I could see the laughter in his eyes as he said, “Well thank you, Mr. Rolfe, that ends our daily checkup today. I’ll be back here same time tomorrow to finish the rest of this wonderful story.”
I looked up at him as I murmured, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. D.” With that said, one of the guards grabbed my arms and un-cuffed me only to cuff me again to my other arm. Then the other guard grabbed my other arm and the three of us walked back towards my cell, throwing me in there when we reached it.
Then another doctor quickly slipped my straight jacket on as he said, “Don’t want you hitting any more people on another escape attempt. Goodnight James.” With that, the doctor walked out of the cell and slammed the door behind me. For the rest of the night, I listened to the sounds of the other patients screaming at the top of their lungs while I stared into the stars, hoping that they were staring back.
