For As Long As I Live

I Will Always Be Here

Princess Twilight Sparkle wanders the barren halls of the palace of purple crystal, a hollow shell of a once wonderful era. She stops for but a moment to stare out through a window at the simple town that sits below, darkened under the pale light of the moon. Silence echoes in the air and weighs down the weary princess. Once, this palace was grand. Once, this palace held life. But now, it only holds the hollow memories of what once was, and what will no longer be.

She makes her way to a large round room with seven chairs arranged in a circle, one smaller than the rest and sitting next to one that is only slightly more ornate than the rest. Each is etched with a mark of the owner which is now faded from time and left undecipherable. Dust blankets the thrones and seeps into the few small cracks that indicate the age and lack of use of each chair. On the back wall, carved into the crystal, is a relief of the cutie mark that brands the princess’s flank surrounded by five other marks. A bolt of blue lightning, an orange apple, a purple diamond, a pink balloon, and a yellow butterfly.

This room. I haven’t been in here since…that day. So much had to change so fast. And then when they were gone…I couldn’t bring myself to ever return.

The thought of the ponies who once sat in each throne, helping her through everything, brings tears to her eyes. The fact that she had forgotten those precious names leaves a hole in her heart. These ponies who had been so close to her now lost to time as a whisper in the wind. The mere knowledge that all she has left of them is a memory, and a fragmented one at that, tears at her heart and leaves it to bleed.

Twilight stares down at the floor as tears fall from her face. “I am so sorry. You were closer to me than any other pony. You were my friends, my family.” She sniffs and stares back at the wall of symbols. “Why did you have to go?! Why did you leave me?! I cared so much for you and you left me all alone!”

She drops to the floor as she wails to the empty room. No answer comes to her. The ghosts of the past only tease at her mind. They taunt her with those faces with no names. Her cries echo back from the darkened halls, making the empty palace sound as though it weeps with her.

“I couldn’t save any pony. They all died right in front of me and I couldn’t do anything. Am I not a princess of Equestria? Why was I left to suffer alone? Why could I not go with you? It’s not fair. It’s not fair!”

Anger begins to flood her mind as she weeps, the tears now burning her face. She looks back again at the back wall, clenching her teeth and seething. She stamps the floor which shoots off a resounding clang as her golden horseshoe hit the crystal. She simply stares at the wall and those marks hissing and stamping the floor.

“What about me?! Why must I do nothing but suffer in this life?! This life of mine is no blessing! It is a curse! You are to blame! It would have been better if I had never met any of you!” She stops for but a moment to ponder her words, her anger mixing with her sorrow. “Better if I had just been a no pony.” At this she drops to the ground once more and weeps. Her cries ring through the halls and back into her ears. She stamps her hoof again and again, pleading for some kind of solace in life, some end to her tormented, eternal life.

The soft sound of clicking hooves interrupts the tantrum of the tormented princess. She ceases her stamping and crying and raises her head but never looks back. A soft, ragged voice speaks to her as a gentle touch to calm a small foal.

“Do you really mean any of those things, my princess? Do you love those who are gone or hate them?”

“I…I…” Twilight tries to speak but her heart grips her chest.

Silver Spear. Of course I love them. I don’t mean any of those harsh words. I don’t know why I ever thought such things.

“I…I…” She continues to stammer, watching her vision blur from her tears as they once again sooth her face as they fall. She wipes her eyes and finally turns to face her guardian. “I’m sorry…”

Her voice trails off when she sees her watcher behind her. His golden armor is dull and his brown mane is lined with streaks of silver hair. His face seems to sag only slightly, showing signs of age. His coat is a pale white and matted at a few spots. Despite the gentle smile on his face which exuded kindness and caring, the one before her instills fear in Twilight. A fear the likes of which she had thought long forgotten.

No. You can’t be aging. You can’t be getting old. You can’t be dying! You’re not allowed to die! You’re supposed to watch me, care for me, always be at my side to save me from my own fears!

“Princess?” Silver Spear asks, tilting his head at the sight of his fearful charge. “Are you alright?”

“No…No…No…You can’t die. I won’t let you. Get away from me!”

Twilight charges passed the aging guard and bursts through the doors her mind flooded with the fear of being left alone once again. The thought that she would forget yet another precious life drives her to run.

The children. I need to see those young foals. That will ease my mind. That will set things right.

The princess gallops through the halls calling to the foals. Desperation pushes her to burst through rooms and scour the empty spaces. She will find them.

Everything will be right once I see their young faces. Those sweet, smiling faces will put everything back to the way it is supposed to be.

“Princess? Princess are you alright?”

The voice belongs to Selene yet seems off a bit. Twilight dismisses the thought as her fear and anxiety and follows the voice. The two were always together and Helios was likely already with his sister. She charges down the hall, gleaming with the thought of seeing something the way it is supposed to be. But her smile flees and her fear once again grip her tight when she turns the corner.

Standing before her with worried expressions are indeed Helios and Selene, but the two students are taller, older. Twilight skids to a halt and immediately begins backing away. The looks on the siblings become more worried seeing their teacher froth with fear.

“Princess?” asks Helios.

“Are you alright?” asks Selene.

No. No, it can’t be. You cannot age. You cannot grow old and die. You mean to leave me as well!

“Princess Twilight?” asks the young stallion again, fearful for his teacher.

“No!” Twilight screams. “Stay back! You are not them! You cannot be them!”

The princess turns and flees the aging children, seeking something, anything, that would give her peace of mind. Her horseshoes clang as they strike the crystal floors, mixing with the clacking sound of the siblings’ hoofsteps as they follow. They shout for her, plead for her, but she refuses to listen.

Why must time continue on? Why must it take me with it while it leaves others behind? Why must those around me die while I remain? I will not see any more deaths of those I care for. I cannot bear such pain anymore.

Finally, she sees her haven, a familiar door within the barren hall. She pleads and wills the door open which becomes engulfed in a purple aura before opening for her. She enters and slides to a halt as the door closes out the terror that chased her. Yet a new terror awaits within.

To her left is a large bed, bare and ragged. The wooden frame is cracked while dust covers what was once the mattress. Lining the back of the room are several empty bookshelves which house layers of dust and vacant spider webs. To the far right are a desk and a vanity. The wood of each is faded and cracked while the mirror of the vanity is missing. The rest of the room is void.

But, this is supposed to be my room. This is supposed to give me hope and normalcy. Why must I lose so much and be left with nothing? Why must I be a slave to time and tormented as I pass all things, unable to enjoy them while I have them? Is there no end to this endless suffering?

She recalls what was once within. The lush carpets of royal purple covering the floor, the numerous books lining the shelves, the soft quilts and sheets on the bed, the workspace on the desk and everything needed for everything from pastime research to royal duties, all gone with time. Even the small extra bed that was routinely changed out for a slightly larger one is long gone. Everything she once knew was gone, carried away by the sands of time.

Is this my life? Is this palace my life? A hollow shell of an age gone by? An aging heart with little more than ghosts of the past to decorate it? Is my life like a building that one decorates only to watch it wither before fleeing the past to find another dwelling and repeat the process?

Finally, she can take no more. She drops to the floor and spills all remaining emotion. Her cries echo in the empty room and torment her ears. Her stomach clenches and her heart threatens to cease its action. Her vision blackens as the shadows of fear and doubt embrace her in a cold grip. For several minutes she cries even as her voice leaves her and her eyes become dry. Her lungs and throat burn from her screams. She continues her weeping even when her body cannot.

“Princess?” The voice of Silver Spear stings Twilight’s ears as she recalls that image of an aging stallion, one doomed to die. “I want you to remind you that I have sworn my life to you and will never leave as long as I shall live. I know you are scared to lose those precious to you and be left alone. But we who die are also afraid to leave those we call precious. If you truly are destined to live for all of time, I will ensure that you are never alone in that time. This I swear to you. I would live a thousand lives if I could if it meant releasing you from this burden.”

The words, while soothing, bring little comfort. But to hear that even those who die suffer brings Twilight to her own.

It hurts me to lose those close to me, but do they also suffer knowing the torment I must go through? It must hurt Silver Spear as he knows the most of any of how much it truly torments me. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

She tries to speak, to apologize to the one who has sworn to watch over her. To apologize to those who are her latest students, no doubt standing on the other side of the door with her guardian. But her voice is long gone, taken by the wailing earlier. She simply lays on the floor staring at the door, silently pleading for forgiveness, until exhaustion takes its toll.

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.