A Tale in Bronyville

by CheesewedgeFTW

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Romance, Sex, Random, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6
Length: 1844

Just an average day in Ponyville, with everything seemingly logical and sound thrown completely out of the window.

Far away, in the magical lands of Equestria, there lay a quaint little town by the name of Ponyville. However, looks can be deceiving, as this quiet unnoticed town holds a dark secret. Six mares and one dragon set out to uncover the secrets this town holds, and in the process, discover much more than they should have ever known...
.....
......
Or not.

Published 2014-06-25 03:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-25 03:10:02 UTC

They See Me Rolling...

It was a peaceful day in Equestria, which was the reason why the citizens of Ponyville were scared shitless, because everypony knew that peace and quiet on any given day only meant that something irreversibly tragic, horrific, or just plain random was going to occur that day. And nopony knew that more than a group of six mares and a baby dragon, all of whom bolted from out of the town and straight down the path to the Everfree Forest.

“Uh, jus’ a quick recap, wha in tarnation a’we a galloping inta da evafree fores?” asked Applejack, whose use of the Equish language became severely bad due to the inability of the author to imitate her Southern accent.

“Applejack, nopony can understand what you’re saying,” said Twilight, who was not an alicorn due to an overwhelming number of ponies not capable of understanding what the word canon means...What, was I not supposed to mention that? Ooopsie,
doopsie.

“Don’t worry, we forgive you mister Narrator stallion,” shouted Pinkie Pie, happily skipping along with the group.

“Pinkie, dear, would you please let the Narrator do his job without any breaking of the fourth wall?” politely asked Rarity, “And I believe that Applejack is asking why we are running into the Everfree.”

“Why would she need to know that?” snorted the unicorn, “I literally just explained this in the library. You know as well as I do that anything that happens that is bad, then it must be in the Everfree Forest.”

By then, the group had already made it into the Everfree, running down an obligatory path that nopony ever specified led anywhere. It was down this path that the six mares and Spike found what they were looking for: a creepy black stallion with silver armor and green and purplehighlights coming out of his eyes.

“SOMBRA!” all six mares shouted, angered instantly by the sight of the dreaded Crystal Tyrant.

“Why hello there, ladies,” stated Sombra, seemingly not noticing their angered tones, “It’s a pleasure to see you again, albeit could’ve been under less strange circumstances.”

“Strange circumstances my flank!” yelled Rainbow Dash, who angrily hovered in the air above the other six, “What are you doing back in Equestria?”

“Actually, if it wasn’t so rude of me say,” Sombra calmly said, brushing off the arrogant comments, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

Now the seven were really confused. “Hold on,” started Spike, “You mean you don’t know why you’re here?”

“Of course I don’t, dear Spike. After all, I was supposed to be killed in the Crystal Empire, if not seriously injured or banished to Tartarus. But for whatever reason, some ponies seem to seriously disregard those things and keep bringing me back alive.”

“Wait...what do you mean by some ponies…?” began Twilight, but was interrupted by a white-coated unicorn with a blue-streaked mane and a pair of funky glasses suddenly shouting behind them, “It’s time to drop the bass!”

All of a sudden, hardcore dubstep began playing from a dj-set the unicorn had magically summoned from thin-air (maybe she was related to Pinkie Pie or something, who knows?), and attracted many of the previously mention scared shitless ponies to come and party. Pinkie, of course, was ecstatic, but the rest of the Mane Six and Sombra just stood there, kind of confused.

“Where did all these random ponies come from?” asked Twilight Sparkle, shaking her head in bewilderment.

“I don’t know,” said Rarity, “but I recognize a few ponies like Lyra HeartStrings, Bon-Bon, Thunderlane, Aloe and Lotus, Cheerilee…”

“And me!” yelped a grey-coated and yellow-maned pegasus with one eye looking in a completely opposite direction than what it should.

“Derpy Hooves? What are you and the rest of those ponies doing here?” inquired Rainbow Dash.

“Well, it’s true that we don’t go on nearly as crazy adventures that you six go on, but for whatever reason, we get a lot of fame and attention, sometimes more than you do,” Derpy happily explained, as if all this made perfect sense, “And I’m the most famous out of all of the ponies in Ponyville. Maybe even more famous than Fluttershy!”

Fluttershy, who had not spoken an entire word this story, decided to keep it that way.

All of a sudden, there was a brilliant flash of white that momentarily blinded the entire. Once the light had dimmed, they could make it the outline of what appeared to be a blue telephone booth standing as if it had been there the whole time. The door to the booth opened up, and out stepped a caramel-coated stallion with a dark-brown mane, wearing a nifty little bow tie.

“Miss Ditzy, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen you!” happily exclaimed the mysterious new pony with a slight British accent in his voice.

“Why hello there, Time Turner, you and your time machine are looking nice and pretty,” replied Derpy.

“Ditzy, what have I told you before? I’d much rather prefer if you called me by my name: The Doctor,” the stallion seriously stated.

“Doacta who?” asked Applejack.

“Actually, that would be my human counterpart you’re referring to,” the Doctor nonchalantly replied, “And speaking of humans…”

“Yo, what’s up, my homies?!” a voice from behind them shouted. The group turned to look, only to see what appeared to be a tall, clean-shaven monkey with t-shirt and pair of jeans, and only a short crop of hair atop his head.

“What the buck are you?!” shouted Spike, who immediately got a bar of soap shoved into his mouth by Twilight, who gave him an angry glare.

“I’m a human, of course!”

“Yes, we get that, darling,” said Rarity, “Who are you, might be the better question.”

“Oh,” the human said, thinking for a good solid minute before answering, “Actually, I’m not really anybody. I’m what you’d call an obligatory stand-in for people to project themselves into, yet for some odd reason, they regard as a developed three-dimensional character instead. My friends call me Anon.”

“That doesn’t make any sense at all,” Twilight said blatantly.

“And all the rest of this does?!” shouted Spike incredulously.

“Anyways, I’m going to go jam out with the rest of those ponies over there. You seven could just keep standing here and being boring, but I think I’m going to party!” Anon began walking towards the crowd of ponies gathered around the dj, but stopped abruptly and turned towards Rainbow Dash. “Oh, totally slipped my mind, but Rainbow Dash, your dad wants to see you.”

“My dad?” asked the prismatic pegasus.

“Yeah, he’s starting to get down in the dumps again because his life sucks, so it might be a good idea for you to go to him,” said Anon, “But whatever, it’s time to get funky!” And with that, the abomination to pony kind scooted off towards the party.

“Well, that was certainly weird,” stated Twilight, before looking at Rainbow Dash, who stood looking conflicted, “What’s wrong Rainbow…?”

“I’m coming, Daddy!” Rainbow Dash suddenly shouted, before flying into a portal that had actually been there the entire time, but had only become apparent at that moment as the author felt too lazy to include it earlier in the dialogue… What? I can’t say that either? You, my good sir, are extremely picky as to what and what not you want in your story.

“Mr. Narrator, if it makes you feel any better, I enjoy how you do your job,” said Pinkie Pie.

Really, Pinkie?

“Yeah, you make everything sooooooo much more interesting!”

Why thank you Pinkie Pie, it’s a pleasure to meet somepony who appreciates true artwork.

“Pinkie Pie,” shouted Twilight, “How many times do I have to tell you? No talking with the Narrator!”

“Awwww.”

“Twiie, weh haf ta put an en to ah dis nonsense,” said Applejack, the writer still trying his/her hardest to accurately depict a badly acted accent.

“I knew it was a bad idea for the writers to include a Southern accent in this show,” said a familiar voice from behind. The seven mares and dragon all turned and were astonished to see the two princesses Celestia and Luna, as well as the old dragonques Discord all standing behind them.

“Why hello there, Princesses! How lovely to see you two again!” said Sombra, “And you as well Discord, though I was convinced that you had become trapped in a stone prison.”

“It’s a long story,” Discord plainly responded.

“Sombra, how are you still alive?” Princess Celestia calmly asked, her intense gaze boring holes into the shadow unicorn’s head.

“I have no absolutely no idea, myself,” he admitted, taking no heed of Celestia’s unwavering gaze, “I guess it was simply one of the many miracles of the world around us.”

“Yeah, it was totally bad story writing,” Pinkie Pie whispered into Discord’s ear, to which the deity of chaos slowly shook his head in agreement.

Celestia stood still as a statue for a good minute, before doing something that nopony was ever expecting: she rushed forward and kissed Sombra full on the cheeks. Even Pinkie and Discord were surprised at this move, as it had never occurred to them to add Sombra/Celestia to their ship lists.

“Oh Sombra, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment,” Celestia whispered passionately between smooches.

“Oh I can guess,” Sombra said breathily, “But how about we take this somewhere a little more personal?” Celestia nodded, and in a flash of brilliant light, the two disappeared, leg in leg into the next step in their relationship.

Twilight Sparkle slowly walked over to Princess Luna, who was still gawking at the spot where the two lovers had disappeared.

“Well, since you’re still here, Princess, perhaps you can help clean up this mess alongside…”

“THOSE FOOLS!” Luna suddenly shouted in pure rage, to which everypony jumped back in surprise, “They’ve gone off to the celestial business for alone time, and they haven’t the nerve to even ask if I want to come! I haven’t experienced a threesome in forever!” And with that, Luna too disappeared in a flash.

Discord, getting over the apparent shock, heartily chuckled before saying, “You know, all this talk of sex has got this dragonques more than horny. I think that threesome will do nicely as a fun little foursome.” And Discord disappeared in a flash of light as well, off to participate in perhaps the most godly orgy of all time.

Off a distance from the group of ponies stood a lone, brown-coated pegasus with a short black crop of mane with pink highlight sticking out in vibrance. He silently snickered as he watched the whole thing unfold, then quit when he realized the narrator had made mention of his existence.

“What?” Cheesewedge asked, not able to hold back his laughter, “Don’t like self-insert OC’s?”

And the universe slept silently and peacefully from then on.

Author's Note

I'm sorry for your loss of coherency. I assure you, the world is not going to shit, only my sanity.