The Great Crossover Crisis

by Incaendium

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 1299

When life gives you magic teleportation couches, DON'T SIT IN THEM. That only brings trouble, as you find.

You are Anonymous, and you live a very strange life. It would seem your couch is some sort of strange warp gate, as whenever you sit on it, you always end up on some silly adventure. One that usually ends up with you making more enemies than friends.
This happens to be one of those wonderfully awful adventures.
Great.

(Note; The elements were not put into the tree in this universe. That's kinda important to the story.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-24 21:47:44 UTC

Too Hot

You are Anonymous, and you are very confused.

One moment, you were sitting on your couch at home, watching something completely not worth mentioning, and the next you're sitting in a room. The room itself does little to reassure you, as it's the kind of sterile white found only in the wonders of B list horror movies. On the roof there seems to be a single light bulb, with what looks like one of those little chain pull cords next to it. All in all, much like some sort of strange hospital closet.

Upon further examination, however, you realize that the cord it currently floating at an impossible angle. As you move your head to look up at the base of the bulb, you notice the chain moves slowly toward where it should be. Curious, you stop moving you head, and the chain stops too. You keep your vision on it, but it still doesn't move. Moving your head again, the chain once again begins its arc, moving at only a fraction of what it should be. As you take a step forward to get a closer look, the chain begins moving at normal speed. Seeing this, you immediately stop, and the chain stops too. You blink, and lo and behold, it's still there. You shake your head and look again, and the chain has moved about as  much as you might have guessed in the time you spent shaking. You blink again, but this time something else happens.

GRAB

You're not sure what to think, but you have the strangest urge to blink again. You try and fight it, but you prove powerless against the strange force, and your eyes squeeze shut and open again less than a second later.

THE

There it is again. You feel the need to blink once more, and this time you don't fight it.

GUN

Huh. Grab the gun. You're not sure what the strange insanity letters are trying to tell you, but you just searched the tiny room moments ago, and there clearly wasn't- wait. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glint off of something metallic on the floor by your feet. You slowly move you vision downward, and to your not surprise, there is a small  handgun, it's metal slide catching some light from the bulb above it. You bend over to pick it up, and as you hit the magazine release, you find that the magazine is missing only one, which you assume is in the chamber. You look up, only to feel the need to blink some more. You comply, as fighting the omnipotent words seem like a bad idea at this point.

OPEN

THE

DOOR

After the final blink, you open your eyes to see that the once solid wall before you now has a ornamental looking door, inlaid with what looks like gold and ivory. The door itself is made up of some darker looking wood, perhaps mahogany. Shrugging to yourself, you push the door open, only to be face to face with a group of strange looking horses wearing some sort of golden looking armor, walking through a hallway with colorful stained glass windows, displaying what you assume . Make that face to muzzle, you suppose. You freeze, and they freeze too. You feel that special feeling again, and it's not the one that has to do with sexual healing. You sigh internally, and start blinking.

KILL

THEM

ALL

You're not sure you really want to do this, but when strange words bring you to a weird room, give you the power to "control" the flow of time, and create a gun out of nothing, you figure there's really just no point in fighting it anymore. You bring you gun up to eye level, watching as their eyes widen when they see you. You stop moving as soon as the gun is to your face, and slowly aim toward the nearest of them. You squeeze the trigger, and the round doesn't exit the gun. You mentally slap yourself for not realizing that the time stopping would affect you too. You move slightly to the right, and the piece of lead exits the muzzle and floats there. You risk a look around, as the bullet slowly moves toward its target and your targets move around like they were in a pool of jelly. Your vision locks on a buttress to your left, and you move for it, getting behind it just as you hear the wet splat of a gunshot to the cranial cavity. You risk poking your head out from behind your cover, and when you freeze, you see a blast of what looks like a ball of plasma akin to those shot out of the plasma rifles in fallout floating about half a meter in front of your head. It probably would have turned you to goo, if you didn't have the power to stop time and think. Luckily for you, you did, so it didn't.

Ducking back behind you cover, you watch as the projectile impacts the wall behind you and leaves a noticeable scorch mark in stone. You gulp, before standing and moving back to where you were before the cover, getting into the rhythm  of shooting, avoiding plasma, and cringing at the sound of bullet impact on their low quality armor, or completely unprotected heads. After what feels like hours, but was probably like five minutes, all the little horses lie in various sized pools of blood, dead or dying. You feel sick, and collapse to the ground. Once again, the words rear their ugly head, and you begin to blink.

GET

THE

BOX

You slowly get back to you feet, and approach the group of dead soldiers, looking for whatever box you need to find to appease this strange presence. You quickly find the ornate box, with a dead guard curl around it protectively. You pry it from the death grip, and open it. Inside it are a set of five necklaces, each with a gem carved into a shape. Behind them is a tiara, with a gem set into the top. As you reach your hand in to touch one, specifically the apple one, it disappears. You can only assume that this is what you were supposed to do, and in seconds all the jewelry are gone. Of course, your victory is gone as quickly as it came, as you feel a sharp pain in your spine, before falling to the floor. It seems having your back to the door was a horrible mistake, if the pain is anything to go by. As your vision fades, your head is turned toward the face of a tall white horse, complete with long horn and crown. It seems to be crying, while glaring at you like you killed it's best friend. Which you just may have. As you vision fades to black, you see two words that ensure you leave the realm of the conscious in confusion.

SUPER

HOT

SUPER

HOT

SUPER

HOT

XXX

You start with a gasp, and quickly end up falling off a wooden cell bench, and onto the less than comfy stone floor. You look around, half expecting to see white walls, or beige paint for that matter, but you only see you normal boring stone. You stand, brushing yourself off, and sit up on the bench. It seems that you are in a jail cell, though you're not sure why. As you stand and walk to the bars keeping you in, what you see chills you to the bone. You fall to the floor, face contorted in pain, mouth locked in a silent scream, as you fall to your knees, remembering exactly what you had done. Two words. THE words.

SUPER.

HOT.