Banjo Kazooie: Back in the Game
There have been many stories told about the bear, the bird and the witch. But it seems we always find that there’s more to tell about these three. Each story begins with the heroic pair beset upon by crisis caused by the witch, to which, the duo rise and eventually defeat her evil.
In fact, in their latest adventure, a being from another world named L.O.G intervened upon the fated trio, meddling in their affairs in order to bring their conflict to an end once and for all. But as that story ended the same way as the last two, it was not an end to the conflict; rather, it was only the prelude to a new beginning.
Despite L.O.G’s involvement, though noble his goal was, it was really only a matter of time before things on Spiral Mountain became business as usual again. But this time, it wouldn’t be just Spiral Mountain’s business.
It was another sunny morning, as if any other kind of weather could occur on Spiral Mountain. In a corner of the green valley surrounded by cliffs you could just barely see over, a certain bear and bird were finishing a brief constitutional just as the day began.
“Ninety-eight… ninety-nine… ninety-nine and a half…”
Banjo huffed. “Kazooie?”
“Ninety-nine and three quarters…”
Banjo fell flat on his face. “Three quarters?!”
“It didn’t feel like you were putting all your effort into it. I’m not counting it unless you’re putting your back into it!”
“Are you even paying attention?”
“Of course I am!” Kazooie barked defensively. “What kind of question is that?”
“I don’t recognize: what kind of question is that.”
Kazooie smacked her new Iphone’s touchscreen. “I wasn’t talking to you, Siri!”
Banjo looked over his shoulder. His lifelong pal Kazooie was comfortably sitting in his backpack as always. He sighed, dusted himself off and got up. Trying to get the red bird to spot him seemed pointless while she was preoccupied but he felt he’d exercised sufficiently anyway. Hundred push-ups, give or take.
“Ya know, it wouldn’t hurt for you to do some training yourself,” Banjo reminded her.
“I AM training! It might not look like it but Flappy Bird is harder than it looks!” Kazooie informed him, tapping away at her phone.
Banjo sighed; pointless indeed. Following their last escapades, he took it upon himself to exercise more regularly and try to eat better just in case a certain dimension-hopping computer monitor or the skeletal head of an evil witch decided to drop by for a visit. Microsoft and Rare forbid.
For the most part, Spiral Mountain was a peaceful gorge complete with verdant fields and meadows, surrounded on all sides by tall, rocky peaks that did nothing to block the view of the sky. Banjo, Kazooie and their friends lived there amongst other animals in tranquility and perpetual sunshine.
But not everyone in Spiral Mountain enjoyed the blissful environment; the mountain was also home to an evil witch named Gruntilda who regularly concocted evil plans to make life miserable for everyone else. From trying to steal Banjo’s sister’s beauty to trying to steal the life force of everything in the Isle of Jinjos, Gruntilda’s plots had thankfully been stopped by the heroic pair on at least 4 separate occasions.
The most recent time, a strange being named L.O.G intervened and sought to bring about an end to the three’s fighting once and for all. Once again, Banjo and Kazooie had triumphed and peace once again reigned in Spiral Mountain. Still, Banjo had insisted the two try to stay in shape in case anything more threatened to disrupt that peace.
Kazooie in his backpack, Banjo began walking back to their house nestled in a corner of the valley. “Ya know, playing that game isn’t exactly exercise.”
His feathered companion continued tapping at her phone. “I’m exercising my mind! That’s important work, too! I’m keeping my reflexes sharp while you do all the muscle work.”
“It wouldn’t hurt you to stretch your legs, though,” Banjo pointed out.
“Yeah, maybe,” the bird said absent-mindedly. “I’ll take a hike later or something.”
“And maybe I can hone my reflexes on your phone,” Banjo suggested.
“Let’s not go crazy now,” Kazooie countered, looking over her shoulder. “You keep working out, staying in tip-top shape. I’LL keep my mind sharp; after all, I’m the brains of our operation anyway.”
Banjo raised an eyebrow. “Since when?”
“Since the beginning!” Kazooie protested.
“Oh yeah?” Banjo questioned, “so what’s going to happen when Grunty or L.O.G show up again and you’re too out of shape to use your wings?”
“Relax,” Kazooie batted away the notion of her being unable to fly. “What are the odds of either of those two actually showing up agai-”
A pause interrupted Kazooie’s speech. Not that she herself had a pause but an actual pause happened. The two rounded the corner noticing that the clouds overhead had stopped moving. It was like the whole world had world stopped: birds froze in mid flight, smoke billowing from Banjo’s chimney halted and everything seemed to just have quit all at once.
But Banjo and Kazooie had been through this before and were actually quite aware of who was responsible for the phenomenon. The red word PAUSED floated over their home, just as it had before only something was different about it this time; it seemed to flicker.
“L.O.G?” Banjo asked, looking around.
“Hey! Floating flatscreen! Where are ya?” the bird demanded in an annoyed tone. But there was no response. The last time a ‘pause’ occurred, they had been introduced to L.O.G, the so-named ‘Lord Of Games.’
Supposedly the ruler and maker of all video games from Pong to Grand Theft Auto, L.O.G had whisked them away to his home dimension where they once again had fought Gruntilda to get back to Spiral Mountain. The two had won and Gruntilda had been sentenced to an eternity making video games in L.O.G’s factory. Banjo and Kazooie had returned home and had enjoyed the relaxation, that is, until now.
“L.O.G? Are you there?” Banjo asked again.
“Maybe he ran out of batteries,” Kazooie theorized.
After a few moments of silence, a familiar voice finally spoke; “Hold on, hold on, I’m on an emulator. Gimme a second.”
Banjo put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot. Kazooie checked her watch on her wing. Unfortunately, even that had stopped.
“I might have to reboot this thing. Freakin’ Steam… oh wait, there it goes.” Finally, the royally-garbed golden electronic screen appeared, descending from above. “Sorry about that. Really, never thought I’d miss blowing on the cartridges.”
Banjo and Kazooie exchanged a glance of awkward concern. The game ruler quickly changed the conversation. “You both know what I mean! ANYWAY, I’m sorry to interrupt but things haven’t been going well at the factory lately.”
“What happened?” Kazooie asked, “gamers today obsessed with pretty, colorful ponies or something?”
“Worse,” L.O.G replied, “Workers unionized. Claimed that “eternal servitude” was “kinda harsh.” Whatever that means. I even tried sending in a team of 7 expert mercs,” the floating box-head sighed heavily. “That didn’t work out so well.”
Kazooie shrugged. “Yeah, even I gotta say, eternity’s a pretty long time without breaks.”
“They received plenty of breaks,” L.O.G protested. “Every other day, my employees broke limbs, parts, down emotionally. We almost got the high score on the ‘Days With An Accident’ board.”
Banjo facepawed. “That’s supposed to be ‘Days WITHOUT An Accident’! It’s not a game; the goal is to keep the number as low as possible!”
L.O.G’s screen rose a digital eyebrow. “You’re sure about that?”
“YES!” the two shouted simultaneously.
“That explains a lot. I was wondering why we never got any extra lives for making it past a hundred.” L.O.G, being the supreme being and creator of all video games, lived and worked in a sprawling video game factory conveniently located in a parallel dimension Banjo and Kazooie visited the last time they’d met the computerized controller. But the so-called Lord Of Games wasn’t perfect; underestimating Gruntilda and now, his workforce, were mistakes that costed not only him but every video game in existence, including theirs.
“So, you don’t have your factory any more?” Banjo asked, hoping to move the conversation along.
L.O.G’s head sagged. It was then the pair noticed the robot had a bindle strapped to his back and his purple robes were looking clearly unwashed. “I got the big game over! I lost the factory, lost Showdown Town, lost the rights to the soundtrack!”
“Soundtrack?”
The former king sobbed. “It’s all owned by Time-Warner now… not that they know what to do with it…”
“Sucks to be you,” Kazooie said, pulling out her phone again.
Banjo frowned at his companion’s remark. “I’m sorry L.O.G. Is there anything we can do to help?”
“NO!” Kazooie whacked her friend in the head. “That’s exactly what they want from us!”
The bear rose an eyebrow. “They?”
“Actually, there is!” L.O.G said gleefully.
“SEE?!”
“They gave me one last chance to save my factory. If I can make one more hit game, I’ll be able to keep the factory and maybe even hire some new robots! Ones without pro-union A.Is.”
“So, you want us to be in another game?” Banjo asked.
The machine nodded emphatically. “Yes! Yes, if you’d both be so kind!”
“Wait,” Kazooie held up a wing, “What’s the catch?”
“No catch!” L.O.G answered. “No gimmicks, no vehicles, no menu screens, no Xbox Achievements, just appealing to the small, miniscule, practically invisible margin of the audience that likes things classic!”
“You mean losers,” Kazooie surmised. Banjo gave her another frown. “And how are you going to capture this new audience, oh LCD’d one?”
“Simple: celebrity endorsement. So, what do you both say? Are you in?” L.O.G asked, hopeful.
Banjo and Kazooie exchanged eager glances. “That sounds awesome! Which celebrity?”
“The greatest gamer of all time!” L.O.G said enthusiastically. “She’s a princess in another castle!”
The enthusiasm left both of them. Banjo shuddered. “I don’t like where this is going.”
“Nonsense! It’ll be set in a beautiful world, not unlike Spiral Mountain! It’s full of colorf, talking ponies that can fly, use magic and sing songs!”
“Not interested,” Kazooie answered for both of them. Banjo began walking to the slightly-ajar door of his still-paused house.
“Wait!” L.O.G floated towards them, desperate to stop them. “What if I told you that Grunty escaped again? And she’s leading an army of robot workers! Unionized robot workers! And this new world is in grave danger! And you’re the only ones we can call upon!”
“We’d say leave a message and we’ll get back to ya,” Kazooie replied. Banjo pulled open the door.
“What if I give you all your moves back?”
Banjo slammed the door shut. “We’re in.”
L.O.G’s face-screen smiled. “Excellent, I knew that’d wor- I mean, I knew you’d come around!” Floating over to the front of their house, L.O.G used his magic to summon a portal to another world. It appeared right on the cobblestone path to their house; a tall archway with a mirrored surface through the middle. But they had seen enough of them in L.O.G’s home dimension, Showdown Town, to know that this mirror was a door- a door to another dimension.
Banjo approached it. “What’s the game this time? And how is your “celebrity gamer princess” involved?”
“What exactly are we getting into?” Kazooie asked, focused on the portal.
“You’ll find out,” L.O.G added with a coy, digital wink. “So my compatriots, shall we?”
Without a hint of reluctance, the pair stepped through the portal. Whatever awaited them, they would face it, even if it wasn’t the same peace as Spiral Mountain. After all, this is what they were made for.
As Banjo and Kazooie left their world, a certain princess in another was dealing with a crisis in her own world.
Princess Luna’s world seemed to stop. She didn’t understand why she felt that way but she knew the cause. And she had no idea what to do about it. Her eyes were glued on the floor, unblinking as they stared in pure shock. Could this be right? Could something have gone wrong? What happened?
The dark blue alicorn’s mind grasped at possibilities, trying to find one that was plausible but after standing on both hers and her sister’s bathroom scales, there had been only one conclusion: she was officially overweight.
“No… no…” she muttered to herself, looking at the small, red numbers again. She stepped on to the floor, then stepped back on the scale to check again. After a few seconds, the red numbers displayed again. The same numbers. “NO!!”
“Lulu? Is something wrong?” the voice of her sister called from across the hallway of Canterlot Castle.
“Uh-um, no, sister,” Luna stammered, “I, uh, I thought I saw a lizard. But it’s just the rubber scrubby.”
“Oh,” Celestia answered. “Are you almost done in there? I need to reapply that stuff that makes my mane ethereal.”
“Okay, I’m almost finished,” Luna said, carefully repositioning the two scales with a levitation spell. Still mortified, she backed away from the dreaded machines and their judgmental, accusing displays and numbers. She continued to retreat from the scales, eyes locked on them when her flank bumped into something.
“Something weighing on your mind?” Celestia asked from behind her.
Luna practically jumped out of her coat. “TIA! Um, no, I was just-”
“Making sure the scales were straightened out?”
“I-ee, uh, yes.”
The regal white alicorn gave her sister a warm smile. “That can be difficult,” she said, walking past Luna into the bathroom. She bent down to nudge one of the scales with her hoof. “They look so small but they’re surprisingly heavy, wouldn’t you say?” Celestia looked back at her, eyebrows giving just the slightest hint of slyness.
“Didn’t notice,” Luna said, swallowing hard. She nervously turned her back to the bathroom, away from her sister and the evil, obviously malfunctioning devices and trotted back to her room across the hall. Once safe in the darkness of her room, she closed the door tightly behind her and exhaled.
As she breathed out, she noticed the slight expanse of her barrel bulging outward. Consciously, she pulled her muscles back in, flattening out her midsection once more.
This couldn’t be happening. Was it a dream of some sort? Luna walked through her room, taking care not to step on her Xbox One controller as she made her way over to the console by her television and chair. The only light came from the t.v screen itself; the dull gray-white of the “Home” page illuminated just a bit of the floor in front of it and her gaming chair, the “true throne” as she privately called it.
She touched the padded chair with her hoof. Bags of chips, a couple pizza boxes and more empty Mountain Daring Dew cans than she cared to acknowledge took up space around the chair. Luna could easily use her magic to levitate them to the recycling bin by her door but… the bin itself was where she kept her clothes. Not that she wore clothes often; just that when she removed them, they usually wound up in that bin after a long night.
Head down, the princess of the night walked to her closet and opened it. Unlike her sister’s room and other rooms of the castle, Luna’s room was smaller, more suited to her needs. It was more comfortable that way.
Apart from her bed, her entertainment center and the desk where she kept her computer, the closet and a few posters were the only other features of her private quarters. While other ponies enjoyed the luxury of being royalty, Luna didn’t feel the need for all the excess and so furnished her room with only the important things: a powerful, custom-built desktop and just about every video game console known to equine. Or at least everything they had on Amazon and what she found at GameCease.
Her wardrobe didn’t contain much variety and so, her closet didn’t contain much either. She wasn’t worried about her pajamas though or her striped socks; she just needed to use the mirror. Without even turning around, she used her magic to turn on her lamp in the corner of her room, just needing enough light to look at herself. While the number on the scale had been harder to accept, if she’d even accepted it yet, her figure in the mirror was different.
Luna saw her reflection; the same dark alicorn, her wavy blue mane, her darker blue body, horn, wings, hooves, eyes. And about fifty extra pounds on her midsection. Which was new, she sincerely hoped. Standing on her hind legs, a noticeable ponch drooped down. While it wasn’t a major health concern, it was an inconvenience. A horribly embarrassing, humiliatingly shameful, disgusting, how could she do this to herself, inconvenience.
She rested a hoof and patted her pudge. Oh, why did it have to happen to her?! How did this happen in the first place?! Even as she asked these mental questions, the panging regret of the answer seared her mind each time. Luna practically felt the empty potato chip bags looking at her from on the floor, accusing her, casting blame. And then her mind accelerated to the inevitable conclusion, the culmination of all of these horrifying developments hit her all at once like a ton, no pun intended, of bricks. The revelation whispered in her mind and breifly escaped her lips: “Fatty.”
“Luna?” her sister called. The door to her room creaked open. “Is everything all right in here?”
She quickly closed the door to her closet and set her hooves on the ground. Self-conciously, she also now did her best to suck in her gut. “All is well, sister. There is no need for concern.”
“It’s so dark in here, how can you see?” Celestia asked. She flipped on the light switch by the door. It snapped up a bit too hard, making too loud of an audible crack. How long had it been since she had a real light on?
Luna watched as her sister analyzed her room. Her shame was in full spectacle now. “I, um, apologize for the mess.”
“It’s fine,” Celestia replied, her eyes wide and her voice somewhat stoic. Luna knew that when she was like this, she was hiding her true feelings. The white alicorn looked around for a silent moment. “I’m certain a little lack of organization suits your needs,” the older sister then said with a smile.
“It-it does,” Luna agreed. And as usual, the right thing to say didn’t come from her own mouth. “Is there something you need?”
Celestia entered the room fully, taking care where she stepped. “Well, no. But I’m beginning to get a little concerned.”
“Concerned?” Luna repeated. She could feel herself start to sweat and her stomach sucked in a bit further.
The white alicorn turned her gaze back to her sister, a warm smile on her face. “It hasn’t been so long since you were gone,” she said. They both knew what she was referring to. “I’m very happy to have you back.”
Truthfully, Luna’s banishment to the moon was an awkward subject for them both. She honestly didn’t know which one of them it caused more pain to. But she was happy to be back on Equestria and she was very thankful to have her sister back, they both were. That was certain.
“I… I’m glad to be back,” the two hugged.
“Still,” Celestia began again, “with all the time you spend in your room, sometimes it feels like you’re still on the moon.”
Luna’s eyes went wide in shock. “It does?”
Her sister nodded, a hint of sadness in her eyes. “I’m happy you’re here again and I know you’re more of a, well, a night pony,” she said. Neither of them found the obvious joke amusing but continued. “I do think that maybe you should get out more.”
The moon princess’s gaze avoided her sister. Once again, she was absolutely right. “I… agree.”
Celestia put a hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “I know you like it in here and it does give us a lot of time to spend together but…”
Luna looked back up at her. “Perhaps I could make an effort to be more… publicly active.”
She smiled. “You remind me a lot of Twilight,” Celestia said, walking to the door.
“Twilight Sparkle?” Luna said back. She’d met Celestia’s faithful student, and her friends, on a couple occasions from before. Rainbow Dash was sometimes on their TF2 team, most of the times as a scout. Twilight Sparkle was a heroine; she’d aided in Luna’s redemption the first time they met and later helped her learn a valuable lesson about her own holiday. To be compared to Twilight was a high compliment indeed, especially coming from Celestia herself.
“Mhm. I still remember when she mostly spent her time in the Canterlot library. It took her quite a while for her to be more active, too,” Celestia said, stepping outside. “It’s still your decision, though as it was hers. I’m happy to have you here regardless.”
Luna’s gaze was in the distance as she thought. “I understand. Thank you, Tia.”
“You’re welcome,” Celestia said, closing the door again. “And if you ever need anything, I’m here for you. Good night.”
“Good night…” And the door closed. Luna now stood alone in the light, rather than the darkness. Maybe it would be good for her to get out more, do more things outside the castle walls. If Twilight Sparkle had been in a similar situation, that gave her a bit of hope to resolve her own predicament. Then again, Twilight wasn’t… chubby. But if she could do it, so could Princess Luna, ruler of the night. Right?
Luna slowly picked up the things on the floor. It took no time at all with her magic, which was only a testament to her own laziness. How could she possibly do what Twilight Sparkle does? How could she be like Twilight? Twilight hadn’t betrayed her sister and been banished for a thousand years.
If Luna wasn’t in one pony’s shadow, she was in another. Maybe it would be better if she hadn’t come back from the moon. What was there for her to do?
Sighing heavily, her stomach sagged to the floor. Ignoring it, she climbed into her chair, donned her headset and once again queued for a match of Cattlefield 4. Things were simpler when she was managing her load out, customizing her gear. Still, she did need to do something about the weight. Maybe she’d take care of that problem tomorrow, take a constitutional.
But wait, didn’t the new CoD come out tomorrow? She and her friends were anticipating the release of Call of Duty: Leave a Message. Luna checked the calendar. Nope, it was next Tuesday. Well, she should probably wait till after the release, save her energy for the launch before trying to change her lifestyle. What if her skills declined? That would be unacceptable.
And she’d have to form a schedule for her MLG team, so that was something else on her mind. Yeah, it was looking more and more like there were just too many important things than to worry about trying to get a little extra exercise. Exactly, because she still had to do plenty of walking in the castle. Being a princess was tough! She was active enough, certainly.
Decisions long-term and short-term made, Luna continued with several matches of Cattlefield, earning prestige points and enjoying some rather amusing kill cam shots. She quickly got hungry but fortunately, she had plenty of snacks in her desk. Soon the floor of her room was once again covered with an assortment of empty snack items.
After several hours into the night, something began to annoy her. Turning around, she realized somepony had turned on the light to her room. Had she done that? Turning around, she flicked it off with a spell and returned to her game. She looked at her score, a digital number representing her prestige points in red. That number was only going to get higher, that much was certain.
Banjo Kazooie: Back in the Game
Rays of ember light peaked over the crest of the horizon and into the streets of Canterlot as Princess Celestia raised the sun. As if on cue, the castle town awoke and ponies began their daily activities. The princess stopped the sun and set it on its pace for the day, like winding a great clock for all of Equestria to run on.
She exhaled, her hooves touching the balcony of Canterlot Castle as she completed her daily ritual. It was a routine she’d done every day for well over a thousand years, a morning constitutional that was quite literally timeless. Far beneath her, ponies of all kinds set out on their tasks for the day, all different and yet the same.
Accidents happened, random variables occurred and changed things creating an ever-flowing tapestry of events, such was life. Celestia didn’t know the future but on occasion during these mornings, she pondered her own role in Equestria. The world continued and changed even if her ritual didn’t but if something happened to her… what would happen to Equestria?
As if to answer her, a yawn from behind her signaled the arrival of her sister Luna.
The night princess rubbed her eyes as she approached. “Good morning, sister.”
“Good morning, Lulu,” Celestia responded. For over a thousand years, Celestia had completed this ritual alone. She was only too happy to have her sister with it again, even if she was late on occasion. Well, she’d been late a lot.
“You’ve already raised the sun?” Luna asked, gazing out at the newly-created morning.
“I did indeed,” Celestia replied. Looking high up into the sky, a smaller orb still hung in amidst the vastness of blue.
Luna rubbed her eyes again. “All right, now for my turn.” The blue alicorn’s horn began to glow. As with Celestia during her own ritual, Luna’s body began to shine brightly with an aura of magic powerful enough to move celestial bodies. The pale orb in the sky shook and began a rapid descent. It actually grew in size, getting a bit closer to Equestria as Luna carried it on its path through the sky.
Celestia watched her sister reposition the moon with all the concern of an adult trapped in a car with a student driver. Like Celestia, Luna had lowered and raised the sun every day and night since her return from the moon just as she had before her banishment. But ever since she discovered online gaming, her involvement in her responsibilities had… changed.
The moon slowly corrected its position as its path completed, dipping below the horizon and gaining the appropriate distance between its other heavenly neighbors. Hopefully, Equestria’s tides wouldn’t be too heavily impacted by Luna’s haste in moving the moon. Celestia really would have preferred if her sister had lowered the moon in a more pronounced arc, keeping the same level distance between Equestria and its satellite the entire time. But at least the job was done.
Luna slowly descended to the balcony, yawning again. Celestia noticed that the moon wasn’t quite in the right position, feeling its location close to the sun. The older sister quickly moved it a bit further from the sun, finishing Luna’s work.
“I’ll take breakfast in my quarters,” Luna said, turning back around into the castle.
As usual, Celestia finished Luna’s sentence her head. The white alicorn turned back to the town, the sun and the world she cared for. Would it be alright without her? Despite her sister’s laziness, she had to believe Luna would manage.
“I’ll see you later, then,” Celestia said as her sister departed. Luna didn’t reply as she walked back through the room to the hallway. The older princess smiled, confident that things would be fine. As Luna stepped through the doorway, the edge of her flank brushed the sides.
Yes, Luna would manage. But she might need a little help.
“Lulu,” she called after her.
“Yes, Tia?”
“I was wondering if you, maybe, wanted to take a walk with me today.”
Luna turned around, slightest irritation in her posture. “Where would we go?”
“Just for a walk around the city,” Celestia replied. She knew her sister’s mind was on the destination but the ‘destination’ was just to get her outside. Where they went didn’t matter. Though the gym wouldn’t hurt.
To her credit, Luna looked reluctant but not annoyed. “I do have some work to do-”
“It won’t take long,” Celestia quickly assured her.
“All… right,” Luna said hesitantly. “What time were you planning on… going for a walk?”
“Any time,” she smiled.
“I, eh, uh,” the blue alicorn had a hoof behind her neck.
Celestia knew this was important though. “Please?”
“Oh… okay, but, in a little bit.”
The elder sister’s face lit up. “Oh, thank you, Lulu. It will be nice to spend time with you again.”
“Of-of course,” Luna replied. The white alicorn ran over her and hugged her tightly, the two embraced for several long seconds. She actually had to push her sister away a tad, though she did enjoy the affection. “Just give me an hour, hour and a half to get ready, all right?”
“Okay,” Celestia answered, still happy. Yes, if she could still get through to her, this would work. “I’ll send for you in an hour. We could even go see Twilight if you wished.”
Twilight Sparkle. Luna cringed. “That… that sounds very nice. I will see you then.” She quickly departed her sister’s chambers. Celestia still had her eyes on her as the door shut behind Luna, taking one last glance at her older sister to smile awkwardly at her.
“We could go see Twilight Sparkle,” Luna repeated to herself quietly. What a great idea; she hadn’t seen her since Nightmare Night. Two years ago. Wait, had it been two years? She pondered that question as she entered her quarters.
Luna turned on the light, the screen from her still-paused game being drowned out by the lamp. She looked at the picture of Twilight on her dresser.
“Wait a minute, when did she get wings? PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle? When did that happen?!” The picture she looked at, covered in the thinnest coat of dust, seemed to be of a time Luna hadn’t experienced. Oh, but then, the memories came back to her. Yes, the coronation, the magical mystery cure, all the singing and dancing and then the backlash on the forums, the skepticism and discomfort and outright hatred and…
What was she doing again? She sat the picture back down. It would be nice to see her and her friends again, she guessed. Even if they were trying to do it in the DAYTIME of all times. Luna was not a daylight pony, for obvious reasons. Not only that, if they could meet in the night, maybe Twilight and the others wouldn’t notice… things.
Her stomach self-consciously retreated again. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the only thing that she hoped the shadows could conceal. Luna’s mind began to turn to the unpleasant as she thought more about the upcoming outing with her sister. Going out in the sunlight, being seen alongside her taller, stronger, wiser………...thinner, sister. And her friends.
No. She knew her sister, she knew Twilight and her friends. She thought, HOPED. They wouldn’t make fun or even mention of Luna’s… discomfort. Nervously, her head turned around and her lip began to tremble. A dark corner of her mind whispered: they wouldn’t have to. Her body was going to do that for them.
That could not happen. Yes, if she was going to go out, in the daylight of all times, it would be appropriate for the princess of the night to dress accordingly. That made sense, didn’t it? Of course, she trotted confidently over to her closet and opened it.
Like the photos on the dresser, Luna’s wardrobe was also in a state of disuse but not as dusty. She flipped through each of her dresses, what passed for her attire she wore on special events. And this event WAS special, she assured herself. Why it was special didn’t matter. It was special now. Maybe it was special because she was wearing one of her dresses?
Imaginary judgment mounted on her mind as she flipped through her wardrobe. She levitated out a few choices only to quickly return them. Luna knew what she needed; something perfect for going out in the daytime. Something elegant and regal that exemplified her status as co-ruler of Equestria. And most importantly, something with dark colors. And vertical stripes if possible. Oh heavens, ANYTHING slimming, please let there be SOMETHING.
But there wasn’t. Every outfit was specially tailored for a slimmer Luna, evidenced every time she tried one on. Nothing flattered her or did anything to conceal her ponch. She could wear a coat, something heavy. Like herself, her mind shouted. Maybe she could order the Wonderbolts to make it storm? Oh, but then Celestia would catch on.
The lightswitch of her room flipped off. Luna’s head sunk to the floor, defeated yet again by her new weight. She hadn’t decided on anything to wear but it felt like she was wearing roughly a hundred pounds worth of shame. Instead of the similar pounds on her stomach.
Feeling weak and depressed, she returned to her chair and her video game. If only she could be… anywhere than the place she was right now. As she gamed, she munched on some leftover snacks around her, not helping her problem AT ALL. AT ALL. Thusly, her mind began searching for alternatives.
Today wasn’t the day to go out. Now, what would Celestia take as an excuse? Luna couldn’t find anything to wear, that wouldn’t sell it. She could say she isn’t feeling well. Yes, faking sickness, straight-up lying to her only beloved sister, her only real family in the world, that was obviously the solution to her problem. It wasn’t even full-fledged lying; she was feeling sick. With herself.
Sighing heavily, Luna looked down. Her stomach mocked her as it lay, distended over her legs. Covered in chips of some kind. Hayes? Mmm… Sour Cream and Onion. Yeah, even the crumbs were good. She licked the last bits of patato chips off her hooves. As if on cue, a can of Mountain Daring Dew: Gamer Juice levitated up to her mouth for a refreshing sip. Delicious sugar, caffeine and artificial color drowned her thirst. Her mood began to improve and the vicious cycle of pudge and panic continued.
Even now, she was losing her concerns in lead-fest that was Cattlefield 4. Everything melted away as food and beverage melted to empty calories inside of her, destined to become more fat on her flank. Amidst a rather heated match, she paused the game to check her prestige score. Her score continued to rise, naturally and she was proud to see it. She might even check the leaderboards on her desktop later on.
She pressed start again to resume her game and queue for another match. But the game didn’t resume. Luna pressed the button again. Still no response. Frustrated, she tapped her levitating controller repeatedly, then checked the connections. She scowled and turned the light on. This was going to be an irritating problem, one that did actually require her to get up to fix.
There were only so many problems it could be. Luna unhooked the controller and tried another one but it didn’t work either. Blowing on the connections like they were N64 cartridges didn’t work, nothing seemed to work. She then tried to turn off the console… but it didn’t shut down. Great, now the whole THING was busted.
Luna clicked the power button on her Xbox One several times but still, nothing happened.
“Fantastic,” she said sarcastically, staring at the paused screen. “Piece of junk. Why can’t anything around here work like magi-”
Her television screen exploded. An a flash of light, the pause screen bloomed out in silver light that flooded her room. From within the screen itself, a swirling vortex appeared.
Luna stared in awe. She backed up, knocking over her chair as she scrambled for her door. What was it? Some kind of curse? A spell gone wrong? It damn well better not have violated the warranty. She was scared, her jaw agape as the vortex expanded.
Banjo and Kazooie stepped out from the portal, instantly transitioning from Spiral Mountain to the world L.O.G had described to them. The portal shut behind them and immediately the two examined their new surroundings.
In fact, Banjo had something new to examine right away stuck to the bottom of his foot. He peeled off a small, plastic bag with a logo emblazoned on the front.
“Hayes Sour Cream and Onion?” Kazooie said, reading the label.
“Smells like chips,” Banjo remarked.
“At least we know this place has food,” Kazooie grabbed the bag from Banjo.
“Where are we?” Banjo asked, looking around.
Kazooie shook the bag, then finding it was empty, discarded it over her shoulder. “Looks like a motel room. A really cheap motel room.”
“Wh-what are you creatures?!” a frightened voice asked them.
“Who said that?” the pair searched. “Hello?”
“I… I am Princess Luna,” the pony announced, climbing out from under her bed covers. “And you both are in my room! Answer me or I shall-”
“Oh, great! You’re the princess!” Banjo immediately ran over and grabbed her right hoof. “I’m Banjo and this is Kazooie. You’re the celebrity princess we’re supposed to meet!”
“Celebrity princess?” Luna asked, confused as her hoof was forcibly shook.
“Yeah, we’re kind of a big deal ourselves. We’ve been in a few games, saved the world, that kind of thing” Kazooie explained with a smug casualness.
“Wait…” Luna actually knew the pair. “Banjo and Kazooie? Like Banjo Kazooie?”
Banjo put his hands on his hips in a proud pose. “Yep! That’s us!”
Vaguely, Luna did remember playing a game like that long ago. N64? Yeah, a bear and a bird sounded like something Nintendo would do. The princess was more of an FPS fan; she loved shooters, RPGs and online gaming. Fighting other ponies, real players, not A.I controlled enemies that were predictable and boring. Platforming was just so…
“Ages ago,” Luna broke the silence. The two stared at her, surprised. “Uh, what I mean to say is, I played one of your games ages ago.”
The bird beamed. “Who hasn’t?”
Banjo’s head sunk. His arms went slack as if time clung to him like funk. “We know,” bear admitted glumly. “It’s been a while since we were in an actual game.”
“Yeah,” Kazooie scratched her head. “And the last one… with the cars, well…”
“It didn’t exactly help,” Banjo shrugged “But we’re in this game now and hopefully it can give us the shot we need to get recognized again.”
“Game?” Luna asked. “But, this isn’t a game,” she pointed to her television screen. “You came OUT of a game. This is Equestria, more precisely, THIS IS MY ROOM!”
Banjo hold his paws up defensively. “We’re sorry, your highness but L.O.G-”
“That’s the Lord Of Games, for the record,” Kazooie clarified.
“Right, L.O.G sent us here because your world is in danger.”
“Danger?” Luna rose an eyebrow. If it had been Captain Rice or Master Chief THEN she’d be enthusiastic but retro game heroes? Really? Is EA writing this story? Well, it passed moderation so I’m guessing ‘no’ but really, Luna wasn’t exactly impressed with game characters that haven’t been in a game since before she was unbanished from the moon.
“That’s right, real danger!” Kazooie affirmed. “Gruntilda, that bloated blob we’re always fighting is coming here with an army of robots that formed a union! If we don’t stop her, your robots might form a union, too!”
The princess’s interest was waning fast. “The only robots here in Equestria are the ones IN the games like the one you just popped out of. We use magic to accomplish menial tasks,” she informed the pair.
“So this really is a land of magical ponies?” Banjo asked. Luna answered his question with a long, condescending stare that seemed to sethe with judgment and apathy.
Kazooie’s eyes scanned the room. Luna clearly needed convincing, if only there was something around here that she could use. Like a club to beat some sense into her. But Banjo would probably nag about that, as usual. No, the only thing around here seemed to be-
“Video games!” Kazooie announced. “You like games, don’t you?”
“Good ones,” Luna clarified. If asked, she was prepared to clarify what she thought about Banjo and Kazooie’s game, too.
The response was a blow but the bird continued. “Well, L.O.G happens to be the Lord of ALL Games.”
Banjo turned to his friend. “Wouldn’t that make him L.O.A.G, then?”
“Shuddup,” Kazooie shushed. “Follow my lead,” he whispered. “Princess, what if I told you that by helping us, you’d be saving every game ever made! From our game to the… others that aren’t ours!”
“Hmm,” Luna tapped her chin. “I’d tell you to talk to Twilight Sparkle or Button Mash.”
“What if we give you all your moves back?” Kazooie quickly added.
She raised an eyebrow. “Moves?”
Banjo turned to Kazooie again. “Did you really just ask that?”
The bird shrugged. “Hey, it got us to sign off on this thing.”
“Good point.”
“Well, if you don’t mind, Mr. Bungie and Konami,” she stepped to her door.
“That’s BANJO and KAZOOIE!” the feathered hero corrected.
“Right well, this is still my room. I appreciate your warning about your grunting robots and I will inform the guard. Now please, I’d like for you to go back into your own game and-”
“Please,” Banjo begged. They were running out of options, fast. “Just let us do this, let us try to get back in the spotlight!”
“We just need to get out and actually do something!” Kazooie squawked. “It feels like we’ve been gone for a thousand years!”
And that made the princess pause. While there weren’t many similarities between her situation and Banjo and Kazooie’s, the bird’s comment was just enough to cause something to stir in her. Pity, self-pity, she didn’t know but something made her feel sorry for the two, enough to forgive them the fact they’d knocked over her consoles upon barging into her room.
“Well, I-”
“Please!” Now and paws and knees, the pair threw themselves at her mercy. “We just need new content! Even if it’s download only!”
“Fine!” Luna conceded in a frustrated, nerved tone.
“YAHOO!” The duo shouted as they jumped for joy. The sudden burst of enthusiasm nearly knocked over Luna’s t.v.
Luna stopped her Xbox One from wobbling with a spell before it fell. “I think I should take you two to my sister. She’ll know what to do… I sincerely hope.”
“Thank you! Thank you very much,” Banjo expressed profusely.
“We promise you won’t regret it!” Kazooie added.
Luna managed an awkward smile at the bird’s choice of words. Whether she regretted the decision or not, she just hoped it would be over quickly.
It wasn’t unheard of for beings from other dimensions to find themselves in the Equestria. Time travelers, aliens, these odd bipedal creatures called humans or ‘bronies’ showed up now and then for one reason or another but they usually didn’t show up in one’s bedroom. In fact, Twilight Sparkle had managed to summon an individual, the supposed ‘greatest defense attorney’ to aid her when her friend Rainbow Dash was on trial just a couple years ago. So Luna had to wonder exactly who or what summoned these two.
“All right, that sounds… good,” she said, gathering her strength. “I guess you’ll be wanting me to show you around.”
The duo nodded in enthusiastic unison. “We’d sure like that a lot, your majesty!”
Managing an awkward, pained smile, Luna nodded back. “This way.” Deep breath, she opened the door and led her guests into the hallway.
Having rarely been outside of Spiral Mountain, Banjo and Kazooie hadn’t seen many palaces. The two were immediately amazed at the sheer opulence of their surroundings. Luna held her head low, hoping that none of the guards noticed her company.
“Wow, sweet digs,” Kazooie remarked. “You actually live in this place?”
“I do…” Luna admitted.
Dollar signs temporarily replaced the bird’s eyes followed by a distinct cha-ching sound. “I bet you wouldn’t have any problem giving people the hookup around here!”
“We’re here as guests, Kazooie,” Banjo reminded his friend.
“What? I’m just trying to be polite!” the devious bird squaked. “I bet L.O.G’s place isn’t even as swanky this!”
“He doesn’t have a place…” Banjo added glumly. “Which is why we’re here.”
Curiosity was beginning to get the better of Luna. Slowly, disdain gave way to a thirst for knowledge of what the two strange beings were here for and why.
“And this L.O.G person happens to be whom exactly?”
“Oh, L.O.G’s the Lord Of Games… or L.O.G, as he calls himself,” Banjo explained his knowledge of their digital taskmaster.
Kazooie shifted in Banjo’s bag. “He’s a floating computer screen guy or something. Claims he created EVERY video game ever made… like that’s an accomplishment.”
Luna’s interest was piqued. She turned her head back to the duo as she walked. “The creator of all video games? Like some sort of video game deity?”
“Yeah!’ bird confirmed. “I would’ve guessed he was some overweight guy living at home playing nothing but video games all day like a total slob.”
“Or a kid in high school,” suggested Banjo.
“Or Miyamoto. Anyway, he’s got this factory where he makes all these games. Or rather, he comes up with ideas and has robots make all sorts of games. Until they unionized.”
“So, he’s responsible for the creation of every video game ever made?” Luna inquired.
“That’s what he says,” Banjo shrugged, finding it hard to believe himself. “He actually helped us with our last one, told us it would be a hit. And it was… at least, I think it was.”
“Of course it was!” Kazooie bashed the notion of Nuts and Bolts being anything but a success. “And now this one’s gonna be the best out of them all!”
“Wait,” Luna stopped them. She turned around in the hall to face them. “You’re making a game right now?”
The pair nodded happily. “Yep! Neither of us really know how it works but I guess L.O.G knows what he’s doing! He sent us through the portal, we got here and… I guess the writers will know what to do next.”
“And he wants me to be in it?” Luna asked, showing slight more eagerness than before.
“That’s right!” Kazooie said. “You’re our celebrity gaming princess! Greatest gamer ever, ole’ loggy says.”
Luna’s eyes went wide in awe. “The greatest gamer ever…” she repeated. “But wait, how am I the greatest gamer ever?”
“We, uh, we don’t know,” Banjo admitted.
Luna pressed in on them, walking closer. “Is there a ranking system? Leaderboards? Who else is on it? Is it just in Equestria or is this-”
“Well, I-”
“Was there a tournament or something? Because I haven’t entered anything since last month and most of MLG groups I know of haven’t said anything happening lately,” Luna continued to inquire. None of what the bear and bird said made any sense.
Banjo and Kazooie backed away, waving defensively. “We don’t kno-”
But Luna didn’t relent. “Is this based on prestige? Or Xbox points? It can’t be because I know I’m tied with Trixie and Derpy was ahead of me last time and if it’s on the leaderboards, Zecora had the top slot until she had to focus more on potions because of the increase in demand, so if it’s a ranking then I wasn’t informed and I probably wouldn’t have signed up for-”
“PRINCESS!!” the two yelled. “Please, your highness, we don’t know! L.O.G just said we were going to meet the greatest gamer and that she was a princess! We don’t know any more than you do, honest!”
The night princess shook her head, frustrated, skeptical but mostly frustrated. “For all you two know, he meant Cadence! And all she does is play Iphone and facebook games!”
The duo exchanged another puzzled glance. “There are other princesses here?”
“UGH!” Luna groaned. “Yes… in fact, we just got a new one. Apparently, somepony thought we needed one more.” She added in a sarcastic grumble, “Like we needed another one…”
“How often do they get kidnapped?” Kazooie asked. “Like, on a scale of one to ten, how often do the plumbers here have to rescue them?”
“Plumbers…?” Luna was confused. “Threats against royalty are constant so the royal guard must always be prepared to counter the danger. While the unexpected does happen, we’re not above taking care of things on our own. Both Celestia, Cadence,... Twilight… and I are all more than capable of taking care of ourselves.”
“This must be one of those games where the princess is the hero,” Kazooie commented. “Does… does this mean we’re in a chick game?”
“Kazooie!” Banjo shouted at the bird. “Just because it’s a game where you play as a girl doesn’t mean-”
“What did I say?! And I AM a girl, remember?!” the bird defended her claim.
“This ISN’T a game!” Luna shouted at the squabbling pair. “This is Equestria, MY kingdom! And you’re in MY castle after having broken into MY room!!” The Royal Canterlot Voice seemed to shake the foundation but didn’t actually cause any damage. Being they were actually in Canterlot, the castle was actually designed for the voice to be used within its halls and the acoustics reflected that.
But Banjo and Kazooie found themselves once again frightened by the display. “We’re sorry, princess. We’re kind of new at this, too.”
Luna sighed heavily. “It’s fine. Perhaps I should take you both to my sister, Princess Celestia. She should know what to do about your… situation.”
“We’d like that,” the two replied.
“I’m certain she’ll enjoy meeting both of you,” Luna added apathetically. She turned back around and resumed leading her ‘guests’ through the castle quietly. They reached the throne room and Luna used her magic to open the massive doors.
Celestia was busy in the throne room when the three arrived. Her attendants helped keep track of her busy schedule while she signed things, sent and recieved letters and updates from ponies across Equestria and fulfilled every obligation of both government and royal family for her entire country. She was actually in a rush to finish before she could spend the afternoon with her sister, taking care to make sure she didn’t miss anything so she could give Luna her undivided attention in a fun activity.
While she was never disappointed to see Luna in their throne room, she expected her sister to be spending time in her room up until it was time for their outing. She was surprised to see Luna walking into the throne room and even more surprised when she saw that she had guests with her. Celestia immediately set down her levitated parchment and pen, hopped down from her throne and walked towards her sister.
“Princess Luna?” she asked, taking care to use the proper titles in front of guests. “I didn’t know we would be receiving visitors today.”
“These guests actually arrived uninvited but have... important business with us. I have allowed them entrance,” Luna replied, turning to face the bear and bird. “They are Banjo the bear and Kazooie the...,” she trailed off.
“Bird,” Kazooie and Banjo answered together.
“Kazooie the bird. They have come from far away to speak with us.”
Banjo bowed during the explanation.
Kazooie waved. “Sup.”
“It is a pleasure to meet you both,” Celestia returned the bow. “If you will excuse my sister and I for just a moment,” she turned her back to them with Luna.
“How did they get here?” Celestia whispered.
“They’re video game characters. From a video game. They came out of my television,” Luna whispered.
Celestia recoiled, looking at her sister.
“I’m serious,” Luna whispered harshly.
“They’re characters? From one of your games?” Celestia said in disbelief.
“Not one of MY games…” Luna replied. “That’s what they say, anyway. They’re here to make a game… with me.”
“Oh,” Celestia remarked. “Did they say why?”
Luna nodded. “They… they say I’m the greatest gamer. Ever. And they were sent here by the creator of all video games to make a game with me in it because I’m the greatest gamer of all time. They need me to help them make a hit game with them to save the Lord Of Games, or L.O.G so that he can get his factory back and be able to make games again. His old factory was taken over by robot workers that unionized and now if he doesn’t make another successful game, the creative future of video games will be lost and the entire industry will collapse and there will never be another video game made ever again. Does that make sense?”
Celestia’s expression was blank. She really didn’t know what to say; her mouth opened as if to ask a confused ‘what’ or say an astonished ‘wow’. It was just a lot for her to process, especially early in the morning. She shook her head and leaned closer to her. “I’m… I’m sorry?”
Luna’s head shyly dipped further down. “They’re characters from a video game. They want to make a new game with me to save their friend’s factory.”
Still confused, Celestia looked over her shoulder at the two creatures standing in her throne room, talking amongst themselves. Her mind was filled with questions but she began to get a clearer grasp on the situation. Slowly, she turned back to Luna. “They say you’re the greatest gamer of all time?”
Luna nodded shyly.
Celestia turned back to Banjo and Kazooie a second time, then back to Luna again. “Do you… do you believe them?”
The blue mare shrugged. “I guess so…”
“Well...congratulations, dear sister” Celestia replied. “I guess it’s up to you what to do with them.”
“I don’t know what to do with them. But they said there’s also some kind of witch or something coming with evil robots. Unionized robots. And they’re evil.”
Celestia frowned. “And they’re coming to the castle?”
Luna nodded. “I don’t know what to make of it but we should at least alert the guard.”
“Agreed,” Celestia said. “If it’s a threat, it will be dealt with. But do you want to make this game with them?”
“Do you think I should?” Luna asked.
“It’s up to you, Luna. You do love video games,” Celestia reminded her. “It seems you’ve been given an opportunity to be in one of them.”
“I guess so…” Luna said back.
“Banjo and Kazooie,” Celestia turned back to the pair. The bear and bird both knelt in position as if awaiting judgment. “We welcome you to Canterlot Castle and Equestria. You are hereby both guests of Princess Luna and myself and may come and go as you please.”
“Thank you, your majesties!” Banjo thanked them.
“Do we get free access to the kitchen? Is there any food in this joint? I mean, anything, even honeycombs would be good at this point cuz I’m starvin’! And how’s the wi-fi?”
“We’ll be happy to provide you with whatever you require while you stay here,” Celestia said.
“Ah, that’s a relief,” Kazooie said. “Last palace we were in didn’t even have pay phones. Or toilets.”
Banjo smiled for his friend. “What Kazooie means to say is, we’re grateful for the hospitality, very grateful.”
“Yeah, yeah, grateful…” Kazooie said. She pulled out her cell phone again and checked her access connection.
Luna approached the pair, somewhat shyly now. “So… we want to start making this game?” she asked.
The bear folded his arms and Kazooie her wings, both of them prepared. “Sounds good to us!”
“Okay…” Luna replied with less enthusiasim. “Where do we begin?”
“I have an idea of how to get things started…” a voice said from behind them. Luna turned around to see her sister in the grasp of some foul-looking robot with a tank of water around its head. “Surrender to me because you’ve all been outsmarted!” Around them, royal guards and the castle servants had all been apprehended by robots who pinned them to the wall.
“LUNA!” Celestia yelled, hooves gripping the claw around her neck.
“Sister!” Luna yelled back. Enraged, the night princess prepared to summon her powers.
“Gruntilda!” Banjo and Kazooie thundered. They took to Luna’s side and prepared to do battle with their old foe.
“Ah ah! Not so fast!” the mechanical witch warned. “Take one more step closer, and these ponies are in for a blast!” Gruntilda materialized a small toy-looking ray gun and pointed it at Princess Celestia’s head.
The robots holding the other ponies brandished similar weapons. They turned eager and cartoonish-looking robotic heads towards Luna, Banjo and Kazooie in anticipation of the ‘heroes’ to make their first move.
“Grunty, leave those ponies alone! They have nothing to do with us!” Banjo yelled.
The witch cackled as she held the white alicorn hostage. “Oh, they don’t do they? Well, that’s not what my unionized robot minions say!”
“Why are you even attacking this world anyway?” Kazooie demanded. “I thought all you wanted was your body back and then to be the most beautiful thing in Spiral Mountain. And you’re still tied with Clanker’s waste water in that category.”
“Grunty, this is about more than just Spiral Mountain now!” Banjo tried to get the crown to see reason. “If we don’t make another hit game, our world, every game’s world is in jeopardy!”
“I know!” Grunty declared. “Isn’t it grand? It’s all going exactly as I’ve planned!”
“What do you mean?”
She cackled again. “Old L.O.G tried to put me to work in his sweatshop! Twenty-four hours of making lame games non-stop! So, I had a talk with my robotic coworker friends! And together, we decided this is how every game ends! Everyone’s tired of the same stories about good guys and bad guys so we want to ol’e LOGgy and told him we unionized!”
“Wait, you’re behind the unionized robots?!” Banjo gasped. “But you’re…”
“A tyrannical witch, a slave owner, an evil crone who will crush her own sisters just to get ahead?” Kazooie asked.
“As you said, this isn’t about us. So what if I threw both those hags under the bus?” she batted away the accusation. “With my robot army, we’re seizing our own glory! We’re going to take over all worlds and rewrite all the stories! No one cares about classic games because they’re all cliche! But now Grunty’s in charge and I’m finally getting my way! The stories, the settings, the characters you love, nothing will ever be the same! Besides, bear and bird don’t have what it takes to get back in the game!”
“We’ll see about that, Grunty!” Kazooie flapped furiously. She and Banjo prepared to pounce on the witch and duke it out any way they could, momentarily forgetting the gun aimed at Celestia’s head.
“Ah-ah-ah!” Grunty taunted them. “Let’s not forget who has the upperhand. Now, all of you stay quiet as I read my-err, our list of demands!” The witch reached behind her and pulled out a rolled parchment sheet with her free mechanical claw. She unfurled it and it hit the floor, rolling all the way to Banjo’s feet.
Kazooie face-feathered. “Oh, please don’t tell me the whole thing rhymes.”
“Demand number-one!” Grunty announced. “From now on, the goal of video games is not to have fun! It’s to spend all your money on DLC until you’ve got none! Demand number-tooie-: no game shall be free! Every game is now pay to download, pay to win and has subscription fees! Demand number-three-ie-”
Banjo groaned in agreement with Kazooie. “Yeah, yeah I think it’s all gonna rhyme.”
Luna was stunned. Her eyes were on her sister and Celestia stared back at her. Both of them helpless, unable to move or Equestria would be short one princess. Her hooves quaked; it was hard for her to think. There was nothing she could do, nothing any of them could do to save Celestia.
“Princess!” Kazooie whispered. “Any ideas? Can’t you use magic or something?”
Luna wasn’t able to take her eyes off her sister. She shook her head in a jittery fashion, heart pounding in fear. And Celestia could see all of it.
There was nothing they could do for her, Celestia knew that. They had all been caught off guard and were paying a heavy price because of it. But Celestia herself was not entirely helpless.
“Luna!” Celestia called, her voice stern.
The younger sister was broken out of the trance by Tia’s voice. “S-sister?!”
“Pipe down, I’m not finished! You’ll get your turn,” Grunty informed her captive. “But if you don’t stop squirming, your whole world’s gonna burn!”
“Luna,” Celestia called again, “do the right thing. Trust your friends! Protect the kingdom!”
“What are you doing talking back? I’m about ready to start blasting so you better- AAAAAAACK!” Celestia bit down on Gruntilda’s robotic arm hard.
“Sister!!” Luna yelled.
Celestia’s eyes closed shut as she bit, Grunty tried to pry her hostage off of her while still holding onto the pistol when the alicorn’s horn glowed.
“Tia…”
The room erupted into a flash of light. Luna, Banjo and Kazooie were momentarily blinded and fell to the ground. Picking themselves up quickly, they each rubbed their eyes, trying to find out what happened.
But Luna already knew what happened. Celestia, Gruntilda, the robots, guards and servants were all gone. The room was empty and silent.
“Where… where did everybody go?” Kazooie asked.
“They’re gone,” Banjo stated the obvious. The pair looked around, confused but Luna knew what had happened. Celestia had used a teleportation spell and a powerful one at that. Teleportation magic was incredibly exhausting and endlessly complicated even for the most talented ponies, a reason why they didn’t use it often. To teleport not only herself but her captor, robots and dozens of hostages, would require a lot of magic indeed.
Luna knew that wherever Celestia was now, she had just exhausted a good portion of her magic to get that witch out of the castle. But that still left the question: where did she teleport all of them?
She turned around, mind racing and bolted out the throne room doors. Where had they gone? Where would Celestia have teleported herself and an evil witch? Luna broke into a gallop as she ran through the castle, frantically searching for any sign of her sister or the other ponies. The entire castle was empty, just as empty as the throne room was. The echo of her hooves reverberated off the walls as she ran as fast as she could.
The night princess felt tears pressing against her eyelids. She pushed herself to keep running, to find Celestia wherever she was. She bolted outside the castle and immediately noticed something even more perplexing: it was night.
She looked around. There were no ponies in the streets, no lights on in the buildings. Canterlot was dark and quiet, the only light coming from the castle behind her and the moon above. The moon above? Startled, she realized she looked up to see the moon was once again in the sky but she knew she hadn’t moved it? So who had?
It didn’t take long for Luna to realize: upon closer inspection of her own moon, she saw a new imprint on the surface. The ‘face’ of the moon had been divided, split in half and two faces occupied its hemispheres, faces Luna recognized. Gruntilda’s face occupied one side and on the other- her sister’s.
Luna knew what her sister had done. Her legs gave out and she collapsed on the stone steps of the castle. Tears began to stream down her face as she realized Celestia had banished both herself and Gruntilda to the moon. Her sister had given herself Luna’s own punishment in order to save her.
“Tia… Tia, why?” she cried. “SISTER!!!!!” Frantically, she summoned her own power. She tried to undo the spell, focusing hard on the moon to release Tia. But the spell wouldn’t be undone; it wasn’t even one she knew how to reverse. Luna tried to move the moon, do anything but the satellite prison wouldn’t budge. It didn’t yield to her power, bound in the sky by some stronger magic.
She gritted her teeth, tried to move the moon again, screamed, “TIA!! HELP ME!!” but no help came. Her horn strained and the steps cracked underneath her hooves as she summoned more power. But it wasn’t enough. She collapsed in a heap again and cried. Tears hit the stone beneath her as she looked to the impenetrable moon above. There was nothing she could do.
It felt like she wept for hours. She felt helpless, powerless and completely alone. But she wasn’t entirely alone.
“Princess?”
She turned around. Behind her, Banjo held the door open with a paw as he and Kazooie looked outward. It was impossible to know how long they’d been standing there. Even though they were confused, in a strange land, they still knew what was going on and what Luna was feeling.
“She’s… gone…” Luna wept. Trembling, the bear and bird approached her slowly. “She imprisoned herself… in the moon. Along with that witch.”
Banjo and Kazooie turned their gaze skyward. “They’re in the moon?”
Luna nodded.
Both bear and bird said nothing. They took a seat next to Luna as she wept and put an arm around her each. For a few moments, everything was silent as the tears fell in the moonlight. Kazooie made no comments, Banjo had no remarks; the three of them just sat for however long was needed.
Banjo patted her on the back. “We’ll get her back,” he said to Luna confidently.
“How?” Luna asked. “Neither of you can use magic.”
“Well, not on our own, no,” Kazooie said. “But I had a magic wrench once that could do stuff. I… guess it would be kind of a long shot to see if one was here?”
“Do you know anyone who does know about magic?” Banjo asked.
Luna looked up. As a matter of fact, she did know somepony who knew a lot about magic. “I do… but I don’t know how much she’ll be able to help us.”
“Well, it’s worth a try,” Banjo stated, not knowing what else to do.
Luna nodded. “I think Twilight would say that, too.”
