Titty Barn

by MythrilMoth

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2665

Various ponies go to Equestria's strangest new club: the Titty Barn.

For some reason nopony can quite explain, there's a new evening club in Ponyville.

It's called…the Titty Barn.

Human girls dance around a pole, take off their clothes, and shake their titties for ponies. Ponies who don't really get what's going on.

The sheer absurdity of it has attracted a lot of attention. Ponies go in…and come out changed forever.

Welcome to the Titty Barn, Equestria's first and only strip club.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-02 17:29:35 UTC

Pinkie and Rarity go to a titty bar...

Rarity was in the middle of closing shop for the night when Pinkie stuck her head in the door. "Hey Rarity!" Pinkie called. "You busy?"

"I'm just closing up," Rarity said. "I was about to have a nice hot bath, maybe read for a bit before bed..."

"Oh good, you're not busy then," Pinkie said. She grabbed Rarity by the hoof and dragged her bodily out into the street.

"Pinkie Pie!" Rarity chastised, separating herself from her friend. "What in Equestria has gotten into you?"

"There's a fun place I wanna check out!" Pinkie said. "But going to fun places is more fun with friends but Rainbow Dash took Scootaloo to Cloudsdale and they're not coming back until Thursday and Applejack has chores and Fluttershy's got sick chipmunks and Twilight's busy with Princess stuff and I don't know WHERE Discord is and I'm still not sure I wanna take him anyplace fun for fun stuff because he's still kind of on my I-spit-in-your-cupcake list after the whole Tirek thing even if Twilight and Fluttershy and even Princess Celestia forgave him so—"

"Alright, ALRIGHT!" Rarity said, covering her ears. "I'll go with you to—where are we going?"

"The Titty Barn!" Pinkie said happily.

Rarity blinked. "The...I'm sorry, what?"

"The Titty Barn!" Pinkie repeated. "It's this place downtown I've never been before but it looks like a lot of fun!"

"...Ponyville has a downtown?" Rarity asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Come on, let's go!" Pinkie said, galloping off into the evening. Rarity sighed theatrically and followed.

* * * * *

"So what exactly is a 'Titty Barn'?" Rarity asked.

"I have no idea!" Pinkie said. "But it must be fun because 'titty' is such a funny-sounding word! Tittytittytittytitty—"

Rarity shoved a hoof in Pinkie's mouth. "NOT. AGAIN."

"Sorry," Pinkie said sheepishly. Five steps later, she whispered, "picklebarrelkumquatchimicherrychanga..."

"I'm going home," Rarity announced, tossing her mane and turning around.

"No! Wait!" Pinkie cried, extending a hoof. "I'm sorry, okay? Please?"

Rarity sighed. "Oh, alright." She smiled. "I'll admit a change in routine is nice."

"Oh look, we're here!" Pinkie said.

The two mares stood in front of a large square barn which had been painted pastel purple with hot pink trim. Above the entrance was a sign with a silhouette of a reclining human girl above the brightly-painted words "TITTY BARN".

Rarity blinked. "Is that a...human? Like Twilight told us about?"

"Looks like it to me," Pinkie said. "Anyway, let's go inside!"

They opened the door, and immediately encountered a massive purple minotaur in a tuxedo. He looked down at them and raised an eyebrow. "Y'all wanna go in?"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie said, nodding.

"...y'all sho 'bout that?"

Pinkie nodded again, ponysqueaking.

The minotaur shrugged. "A'ight. Ten bit cover. Each."

Pinkie fished her bit bag out of her saddlebag. "I've got this," she said, hoofing it to the minotaur. He counted out twenty bits, then handed Pinkie back her bit bag and stepped out of the way.

"Interesting ambience," Rarity said as she looked around the dimly-lit barn. There were about a dozen round tables, a long, polished wood bar, and at the back of the room, a large stage with three brass poles in the center, backed by plum-colored velvet curtains. Most of the lights in the barn shone down on the stage; the rest of the room was lit by dim lanterns above the tables and gaudy neon signs behind the bar. Five of the tables were occupied; most of the patrons were stallions, though they saw a couple of mares. A tan unicorn stallion with a frizzy black mane, wearing a white collar with a black bowtie, stood behind the bar.

"Oooh, drinks!" Pinkie said, bouncing over to the bar. Rarity followed sedately.

The bartender looked up at them. "What can I get you ladies?" he asked.

"I'll have a sarsparilla!" Pinkie said, slamming her hoof on the bar and giving the bartender a squinty expression.

Rarity gave a ladylike flip of her hair. "I'll have a mimosa, if you please," she said daintily. As the bartender prepared their drinks, Rarity asked, "Excuse me, kind sir...we were just curious as to what sort of establishment this is."

The bartender slid a tall mug of sarsparilla in front of Pinkie and raised an eyebrow at Rarity as he poured champagne and orange juice into a crystal flute. "You mean you don't know?"

"Nope!" Pinkie replied. "I just saw this place and thought 'hey, I've never been here before', then I heard a few customers at Sugar Cube Corner talking about it and they sounded like they had a good time, so I thought I'd check it out!" She drank half her sarsparilla and wiped her mouth with a hoof. "Ahhhh..." She burped. "That'll give me some sass!"

The bartender chuckled, handed Rarity her drink, and refilled Pinkie's from a tap nozzle. "Well, let's just say this place is like nothing you've ever seen before." He poured a mix of crackers, pretzels, and nuts into a bowl and slid it across the bar, along with a stack of cocktail napkins. "Enjoy yourselves!"

"Thank you," Rarity said, taking her drink, the bowl, and the napkins in her magic and trotting to a table near the stage, Pinkie following her with her own drink.

"I wonder what the poles are for," Pinkie said as she nibbled on a pretzel.

"I suppose we'll find out," Rarity replied, daintily sipping her mimosa.

The lanterns above the tables dimmed, and the lights on the stage changed color from soft white to neon pink. All eyes turned to the stage as a human girl with fair skin, sparkling green eyes, and long, honey-brown hair that swung in a luxuriant curtain behind her walked onto the stage. She wore a short grey plaid skirt, a tight white blouse, thigh-high black stockings, glossy black Mary Janes, and a striped red necktie.

"Oh wow, so that's a human," Pinkie said.

"What a stylish ensemble!" Rarity said. "It's a bit plain, but..."

The girl stood in the center of the stage, eyes cast demurely to the floor, rubbing one toe shyly against the wood while pressing the index finger of her right hand against her chin.

Music with a pounding rhythm thundered from speakers near the stage.

The girl suddenly whipped into frantic motion, swinging her hips while thrashing her head about, sending her long hair swinging and swaying and whipping. She arched her back, grabbing hold of the center pole with her right hand, and extended her left leg high above her head. She grabbed the shoe on her left foot and pulled it off, tossing it into the wings. She then began working her way out of the stocking on that leg, rolling it down the length of the extended leg, then kicking it into the audience, where it landed on some stallion's muzzle. She then slid slinkily across the stage to the pole to her left, repeating the process with her right shoe and stocking.

Pinkie blinked. "Umm...what's she doing?"

"I...I don't know," Rarity said.

The girl, now bare-legged, clung tightly to the pole, sliding up and down its length and caressing it with her tongue. She then pulled away from the pole and began unbuttoning her blouse, spreading it open to reveal a lacy black bra. The stallions began cheering and whooping.

The girl whipped off her necktie and slung it around the pole, grabbing the ends with both hands and using it to do a dangerous backward lean out over the edge of the stage. She stared directly at Rarity and Pinkie, winked, then pulled herself back up onto the stage, spinning around the pole before throwing the necktie away and removing her blouse.

"Okay I really don't get what's going on here," Pinkie admitted.

The girl danced in place for a minute, arms raised above her head, then slid her hands down her sides. She unfastened her skirt and slid it slowly down her legs, stepping out of it and kicking it away, leaving her clad only in her lacy black bra and matching panties.

"So she's wearing clothes under her clothes?" Pinkie asked.

"Twilight did say that human clothes were strange," Rarity said.

The girl climbed one of the poles and swung around it sinuously, swaying her body and hanging upside-down by her legs. She stretched out, grabbed another pole, and launched herself at it, curling her body against it and swinging around it with dizzying speed as she dropped to the stage, legs spread wide against the floor. She then pulled herself to her feet, swaying gently on stage and looking out over the audience with a smile.

She reached behind her back and unfastened her bra, which she slowly peeled away from her body. She cupped it against her chest tauntingly, giving the patrons a teasing, sultry look, before tossing it at a stallion three tables away from the stage. She cupped her large, bare breasts with her hands and danced in place.

Rarity's jaw dropped.

"Uhh..." Pinkie began, wide-eyed. "Rarity?"

"Y-yes, Pinkie?"

"I'm starting to think the 'fun' in this place isn't really my kind of fun."

"I believe I'm forced to agree," Rarity said, eyeing the swaying, mostly-naked human girl. "I'm still not quite sure what's going on here, but the stallions around us are getting...rather excited. And it's starting to make me nervous." She finished her mimosa, wiped her mouth delicately, and backed away from the table. "I think we should go."

"Yeah," Pinkie agreed. She tossed a few bits to the bartender, and the two mares left the Titty Barn.

As they trotted home, Pinkie said, "You know, though...I might go back sometime and ask that girl to teach me some of her dance moves. When she's not so, you know...naked."

"It's a shame that place is so...disturbing," Rarity said. "That bartender does serve an excellent mimosa."

Big Macintosh goes to a titty bar... (Written by Ltmajordude)

Big Macintosh wiped the last bead of sweat from his forehead as he carried the last barrel of apples to the barn. With the chores done for the day, it was time to go home, have a nice, big glass of apple cider, and take a nice, long nap...

"HEY BIG BRO!"

Big Macintosh had little time to react as Apple Bloom immediately leaped onto his neck, hugging him affectionately. Big Macintosh let out a small yelp as Apple Bloom hugged him tighter, choking him unintentionally.

"Apple...Bloom..." Big Macintosh choked out. "Not...so...tight..."

"Oops. Sorry," Apple Bloom said as she let go of Big Macintosh's neck. "So, y' need any help?"

Big Macintosh shook his head. "Eenope."

"Uh...y' sure? Ah mean, y' need something? Anything?"

Big Macintosh let out a groan. "What is it now?" he muttered while giving Apple Bloom one of his serious faces.

Apple Bloom put on a cheerful grin. "What are you talking about?! Ah'm just tryin' to help out mah big brother!"

Big Macintosh's face did not change.

Apple Bloom let out a defeated sigh. "Alright, there's this totally cool place downtown called the Titty Barn!"

"What's that?"

"The Titty Barn! It's a really cool place where you can..."

Big Macintosh's face refused to change.

"Alright, Ah've never been there. But I heard Pinkie Pie talking about it and it sounds so cool! Ah wanted to go there, but this stupid minotaur up in the front won't let me in because he said Ah'm a minor! So Ah was hopin' you could talk to him and convince him-"

Big Macintosh's serious look upgraded into an angry look. Apple Bloom bit her lip as she looked down in the ground.

"Ah guess not..." she mumbled as she slowly walked away.

Big Macintosh's face became confused as he wondered why his little sister wanted to go to this 'Titty Barn' place. He sighed as he realized he had to go find out by himself. He could almost hear his bed laughing at him as he walked away.

After asking directions from a couple of ponies, Big Macintosh finally found the place. It was a rather big barn, painted purple and pink. He stared at the sign on the front. It depicted a silhouette of a human girl above the words "TITTY BARN".

Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow. *What is that...creature up there?* he thought as he continued to stare at the barn.

He shrugged as he opened the door. As he entered, he saw a giant purple minotaur in a tuxedo. *This must be the 'stupid minotaur' Apple Bloom was talking about...*

The minotaur stared at Big Macintosh. "Ya wanna go in?"

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh replied.

"Ten bit cover," the minotaur replied back.

Thankful that he'd brought some bits with him, Big Macintosh paid the minotaur, who stepped out of the way to let Big Macintosh in.

The red stallion stared at his surroundings, seeing tables, a wood bar, and a large stage with three poles in the center. Almost the entire barn was illuminated only by light from dim lanterns and neon signs. Deciding he should at least have a drink, Big Macintosh walked up to the bar, meeting a tan unicorn stallion with a black mane, who Big Macintosh assumed was the bartender.

The bartender smiled. "What can I get you, my friend?"

Big Macintosh only stared at the bartender, then the drinks.

The bartender let out a small chuckle. "Not the talkative type, I see. I recommend the apple martini."

Big Macintosh only replied with a silent nod. As the bartender began to prepare the drink, Big Macintosh noticed that there were a lot of stallions in the barn. As he began to wonder why, the bartender handed him his drink.

"Enjoy!" The bartender said as Big Macintosh placed a few bits next to the bartender. Big Macintosh thanked the bartender as he grabbed his drink with his teeth. He headed towards a table and set his drink down. He sat down and began to drink his martini. It was pretty delicious.

His thoughts on his drink were shattered as he suddenly heard music playing through the speakers on stage.

Suddenly, the lights turned to light red as a human girl with tan skin and a black ponytail appeared from the curtains. The girl wore a sexy red mask, exposing her red eyes. She wore a short red skirt, a crimson blouse, and was barefoot. The amount of red grabbed Big Macintosh's attention, yet he had no idea what was coming next.

As the girl walked up the stage, she let out a playful wink and began to dance on stage. Big Macintosh let out a raised eyebrow. "That's it? Just dancing? Ah bet Apple Bloom woulda been-"

His thoughts were interrupted when the girl took off her blouse, revealing her scarlet bra. She threw her blouse to a random table, delighting the stallion sitting at the table. She began to dance on the pole, swinging on it. The barn was now filled with many stallions cheering. As she continued to swing, she took off her mask and threw it on stage. She got off of the pole and proceeded to remove her skirt, revealing her red-violet panties, which made stallions yell with excitement. Finally, she unbuttoned her bra and removed it, revealing her breasts as she continued to dance.

As the whole barn almost exploded from the cheers of stallions, Big Macintosh only widened his eyes to the size of dinner plates. The girl threw her bra to Big Macintosh's table, spilling his drink. Yet, Big Macintosh could care less about that. With his eyes still wide, he slowly stood up and left the table.

As he exited out of the Titty Barn, he let out a big sigh and thought to himself that if Apple Bloom, Applejack, or Granny Smith asked where he'd been, he would change the subject to Cheerilee, since it was, in his opinion, easier to explain.