What did you just say about me, you little foal?!
Author's Note
I wrote this on my phone with a wrist brace. Took about two hours. For the hell of it.
What did you just say about me, you little foal?!
IN THE FACE.
Twilight Sparkle was widely known as an intelligent pony. With over a decade's worth of higher learning, an expansive library of magical tomes and educational material, and a penchant for losing herself in as many books as possible, there was a reason some ponies called her Purplesmart. Even her mentor considered her above and beyond one of the greatest scholars if the age. She'd managed time travel; defeated a number of power-mad unicorns, monsters, and other... things; completed an almost impossible spell of ascension; even grew her own castle out of the ground. So when approached with a problem, no matter how unique, she had built a reputation on being able to solve even the most complex or singularly difficult of conundrums.
When it came to friendship, she was very confident. Having been crowed the Princess of such, published a novel (albeit with mixed reactions), and established a rather successful Friendship Festival (aforementioned power-mad unicorns and other things aside), Twilight Sparkle was sure that any problem could be solved with some rational thought and faith.
This was not one of them.
"Twilight?" Applejack asked, her expression sullen and disapproving as she addressed her alicorn friend.
"Um, yes?" responded said alicorn, regarding the farmpony with all the innocence of a foal with a sideways Hearth's Warming tree behind them.
"What in tarnation made you think it was a good idea to introduce an introvert like Fluttershy to a hobby that keeps you inside all day?"
The two mares had gathered at Fluttershy's cottage,you after it had been noted that nopony had seen her for weeks. During certain times of the year, this wasn't unusual. Nightmare Night season, mating season, and for some reason, Hearts and Hooves Day, she was nowhere to be found. The two friends stared into the window of their friend's cottage, trying to decide how best to free their friend from the tyrannical grip of her new gaming laptop. Twilight dug at the ground innocently. "Well, I thought if I could get her started on some hobbies or activities that I know are really culturally popular, maybe she would have something to talk about when she meets somepony new. I didn't think it would get this bad, really!" she exclaimed defensively.
Applejack didn't dignify Twilight's defense with a verbal response. In fact, everything about her demeanor insisted that she believed exactly NONE of it. Instead, she stared disapprovingly at the purple pony, and without looking away, unlatched the window and creaked it open.
"No! Celestia-dammit, that's not the attack button! Why the hell did you attack?! I meant DODGE!" she screamed, leaning over the monitor with all the intensity of a rabid predator.
Twilight flinched slightly as Fluttershy's usually innocent voice spewed violent, unnecessary rage at the screen. Applejack closed the window to block out a string of blatant obscenities as the Princess of Friendship felt her reputation as a reliable problem solver melt under the heat of her Pegasus friend's rage, and the searing intensity of AJ's disappointed expression. "Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have started her on something so challenging so soon. But I thought if she started on the easy stuff that it wouldn't be gratifying! I thought she'd need to feel some kind of accomplishment to develop an affection for it," the alicorn reasoned.
Applejack, without a word, leaned on the window again. "Poison?! FUCK POISON! I DRINK POISON LIKE TEARS, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" she pulled the window closed again, giving Twilight a pointed look.
Sparkle looked around, trying to find something to stare at that wasn't Applejack's disapproving stare or Fluttershy's silently screaming portrait through the window, perhaps hoping that a better excuse or reliable distraction would jump out if the plentiful foliage surrounding the house. She had flashbacks to her early days as a student if magic, when she'd assumed 'teleporting it away' was a viable solution to any problem. Even teachers. "Ok, ok! I'm sorry! I didn't think she'd get so into it so quickly! I was just trying to help!"
Once again, the Element of Honesty leaned on the window. "HA! EAT A FAT VAT OF DICKS AND SCAT, SNAKE BITCH!" And once again, the window closed. Applejack had deigned to remain silent in lieu of the on-and-off cacophony if horrid slurs and vulgarity their quietest friend seemed to have accumulated out if thin air.
"I don't even know where she learned most of those words!" the Princess yelled in panic. "None of the forums I showed her had any of this... profanity!" She had indeed introduced 'Shy to a few select websites with helpful tips from more experienced players, once the Pegasus had taken a liking to the game.
AJ's only response was the creaking of the window. "Who fucking invades right next to curse jars?! You like that, you motherbucker?! SUCK it! SUCK IT LIKE YOU PAID FOR IT!!" There was another creak as the window closed again, and clicked shut.
Twilight had retreated into herself a little, trying to hide from her farmer friend's accusatory eyes. The practiced pseudo-mother figure had perfected the 'disapproving stare' over many years if reigning in her little sister's shenanigans "I swear..." she said weakly. "I just wanted to help her reach out..." She wondered solemnly what this would do to her reputation and title as Princess of Friendship.
*creak* "FUCKING LAVA?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! WHY THE SHIT IS THERE LAVA?!" *creak* *click*
AJ's silence spoke clearly. 'I'm not mad, just disappointed,' it said. Finally, Twilight broke, having curled up on the ground outside her friend's cottage, no longer able to bear Applejack's knowing glare. "I'm SORRY! I just wanted somepony to help me beat the Ivory King DLC!"
Applejack sighed, finally hearing the truth of the matter. "I could have told you Dark Souls was a bad idea, sugarcube. Maybe y'all should have tried Bejeweled or sumthin'."
"Nopony plays Bejeweled anymore, Applesmack!"
*creak* "Get salty, you cuck! Do you light the fuse on your tampon every morning yourself, or is it just the friction from your fat-ass thighs?!" *creak* *click*
"... I'm sorry."
"S'what I thought you said."
