No Matter How I Look At It, It's Twilight's Fault I'm Not Popular
It was just a typical day for Trixie when she found out the worst news of her life. It all started that morning in homeroom. She was sitting in the seat second from the back and next to the window, staring out at the blooming cherry blossoms. She was daydreaming about what life would be like if she was more interesting, or was the main character in a story.
Suddenly, the door slid open and interrupted her thoughts. She looked up to see an upperclassman walking into the room. The mare had a long purple mane, and stars on her butt, which probably meant she was, like, a really good astrologer or something. Trixie didn’t pay her much mind, but when the mare turned away, she was suddenly struck by her beauty.
Maybe it was the way the sunlight caught her mane, or the twinkle in her eyes as she turned back to Cheerilee-sensei, but Trixie felt something in the pit of her stomach, and it wasn’t the bad soba bread she ate for breakfast. She felt like she’d stuffed her stomach full of butterflies and then started to vacuum them out one by one.
As the door slid shut again, Trixie turned to her friend behind her, Not Important-san, and asked, “Who was that?”
Not Important-san gave her a weird look, like she’d accidentally used the wrong honorific when speaking to the Emperor. “That was Class President Twilight-senpai. She’s got the best grades in the school, and all the boys like her. How can you not know her?”
“I just transferred here this year, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
Trixie turned back to her desk, then looked out the window again. “Twilight-senpai, huh?” she said under her breath. She watched as the sakura drifted gently downwards, flitting about on the breeze like a Georgia O’Keefe painting, but with less vaginas. Just then, Trixie noticed a certain burning in her chest. It was like fire, hellfire, this burning in her skin.
She raised her hoof.
Cheerilee-sensei raised her eyebrow. “Yes, Trixie-san? What is it?”
“May I be excused to the nurse’s office?” asked Trixie, already standing up.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s… uhh, a stomach ache,” said Trixie, putting a hoof over her stomach and feigning cramps.
Cheerilee-sensei waved her hoof. “Yes, you may go.”
Trixie hurried out of the room. On her way down the hall to the nurse’s office, she saw Twilight-senpai standing outside another classroom, talking to another teacher. Trixie froze up. She waited until Twilight was done speaking to say, “G-good morning, Twilight-senpai.”
But rather than return her greeting, like Trixie had hoped, Twilight seemed not to hear or see her, and simply walked away.
The burning in Trixie’s chest deepened, so she renewed her quest for the nurse. By the time she got there, she felt like she must’ve been at least a few shades redder, which, incidentally, would’ve made her look more like Twilight, but in reality she was just sweaty and tired looking.
As Trixie opened the door to the nurse’s office, she saw the nurse sitting at his desk filling out some paperwork. He looked up as she entered, and gave her a warm smile. “Good morning. Can I help you?” he asked, tilting his head towards Trixie.
Trixie had never been to the school nurse before, but she’d heard stories about him. Apparently he was some sort of pro-wrestler at one point, but then ended up getting injured and he had to drop out. She had no idea why he was a nurse now, but the stories about him must’ve been true, because he was massive. Standing at least two heads taller than Trixie, and inexplicably sporting bigger breasts than her, he was a sight to behold.
Trixie forced herself not to comment on her jealousy of his breasts, and instead said, “I think I might be sick. There’s this weird burning feeling in my chest.”
The nurse, whose name was a mystery to even the school principal, rubbed his chin. “I see… Did you, by any chance, happen to meet an upperclassman for the first time today?”
“Wait, how did you know?” asked Trixie, raising her eyebrow.
He sighed. “Then it’s as I feared.”
“What do you mean?”
The nurse stood from his seat, removed his glasses, put them back on, and then removed them again. “You’ve contracted…” he paused to put his glasses back on again, “senpai fever.”
Trixie clapped a hoof over her mouth. “Oh no! That sounds—made up,” she said, her faux-surprise gone and replaced by cool sarcasm.
The nurse clicked his tongue. “I assure you, it’s a very real illness. It affects millions of ponies each year. I probably see at least one case a week.” He got a wistful look in his eye. “You might say I have some personal experience with it as well.”
“All right, so suppose this is a real disease, what do I have to do to treat it?” asked Trixie, crossing her hooves.
“Well,” said the nurse, taking off his glasses again, “I suppose there’s only one thing you can do.” His lips curled into a mouth-shrug. “You’ve got to get senpai to notice you.”
Trixie pursed her lips. “How am I supposed to do that?”
Taking his seat, the nursed kicked up his back hooves on the desk and said, “That’s for you to figure out.”
Later that night, when Trixie had finished dinner (twice-cooked pork and eighty pounds of rice) she decided to call her friend Not Important-san. The phone rang a few times before she picked up. “Moshi moshi,” she said in a voice that sounded an octave too high for someone her age.
“Ah, Not Important-san,” said Trixie as she threw herself on her bed, bouncing slightly. "I wanted to ask you something."
"What's the matter?"
Trixie bit her lip, swallowing the lump in her throat. After a bit of squirming, she finally confessed, "I have senpai fever."
There was only the soft crackle of static on the other end of the line. For what felt like hours, Trixie waited... then she heard the other mare's voice. "...senpai fever?" she repeated. "That sounds made up."
Trixie sighed, splaying her hooves out over the bed. "I know, that's what I said too, but—"
"But?"
"But I can't stop seeing her everywhere. She was in my rice, in the newspaper, even at the convenience store when I went to get some melon bread." Trixie rolled on her face, her voice becoming muffled. "Ah ruff har."
"What?"
Trixie’s eyes shot open and she rolled back over. "I said... uh, ah, rough par."
"...What?"
Trixie fumbled for an answer. "I was, uh, playing golf."
Static, then, "Trixie-san... it's almost ten o'clock."
"I like night games."
More static.
"Well anyway, I need your help, Not Important-san. I need you to..." She took a deep breath before biting her lip. "I need you to help me get senpai to notice me." Trixie waited for a moment, expecting to hear laughter from the other end of the line, but instead she heard her friend say something else.
"All right, Trixie-san, we can do this. I've got a plan... but it's going to take a bit of work. You remember that the school cultural festival is coming up next week, right?"
"Sure, I remember that. Why? What does it have to do with—"
"Haunted house."
Trixie froze up, her eyes going wide. "Not Important-san... surely you don't mean..."
"Fu fu fu..." laughed Not Important-san. "It's time to activate Super Deluxe Mega Plan X!"
Trixie gasped.
"Make sure you're ready, Trixie-san, because next week we're going to get Twilight-senpai to notice you if it kills me."
The din of a thousand students all vying to be heard by their respective senpai is all that could be heard as Trixie strolled through the courtyard with Not Important-san at her side. She had to dodge out of the way as a stray daifuku roll whizzed past her head while someone screamed, "Daifuku this!" To her left a group of foals were trying on tengu masks while their older counterparts took pot shots at stuffed animals lined up on some shelves. Trixie could smell the takoyaki cooking, and the sweet anpan baking, but the only thing she saw now was the mare directly in front of her.
Trixie grabbed Not Important-san by her sleeve and pulled her to the side. Pointing her hoof at the purple mare surrounded by a group of fawning colts and her one frumpy-looking mare with glasses, she hissed, "There she is! It's Twilight-senpai!"
Not Important-san craned her neck around the yakitori stand. "Ah, I see her. We'll have to get her away from all her admirers first." She mulled the thought over in her head, rolling it around like a tatami mat. Suddenly, a metaphorical light bulb appeared above her head. "I've got it!" She leaned and pressed her hoof against Trixie’s head while she whispered in her ear. "Mumble mumble mumble."
Trixie stepped back. She frowned. "You just said 'mumble mumble mumble'."
"Ah, sorry," said Not Important-san, giving a cheeky smile and rubbing the back of her neck. "I thought that would work."
"Are you an idiot?"
Not Important-san waved her hoof dismissively. "All right, all right, new plan." She glanced around first to make sure no one was listening before she leaned in again. "When I give the signal, knock over that dango stand and run straight to the haunted house. I'll meet you there and I'll have Twilight-senpai with me."
Trixie raised an eyebrow questioningly. "How is knocking over a dango stand supposed to help?"
"It won't, but that guy shorted me on my change, so I want to get him back."
"I'm just going to go wait at the haunted house..." Trixie turned away and started working her way through the crowd towards the haunted house exhibit. Not Important-san watched her go, sighing under her breath.
As Trixie squeezed past a couple of barrel-chested ponies in sumo thongs, she popped out of the crowd right next to where the entrance to the haunted house was. A bored-looking colt was leaning back in his chair, chewing gum.
"Hey," he said, "you going in or what?" He jabbed a hoof over his shoulder indicating the entrance.
"Yeah, yeah, just hold up a sec," she said, glancing over her shoulder, hoping to catch some sight of either Twilight-senpai or Not Important-san, but they were nowhere to be found.
The colt was starting to grow impatient. He tapped his hoof against the ground, the frequency growing the longer he waited. Finally, he said, "Jeez! Either go or don't, but don't just stand there like an idiot!"
Trixie rounded on him, her head cocked to the side a bit. Her eyes seemed like they were full of fire, or at least some smoldering coal stones. "What did you just say to me? You dare to insult me?"
The colt's face grew red, and he started to chew the gum harder, eventually blowing a big bubble. "Yeah, I insulted you, so what? What’re you gonna—"
Trixie’s horn burst to life as she caused the bubble to expand exponentially until it exploded in his face with a loud pop. Trixie laughed, then turned her snout up at him. "That'll teach you to mess with Trixie."
The colt, gum now covering a large portion of his face, leaned back in his chair again. "You can wait..."
"Okay, that's that taken—Trixie-san!?"
Trixie turned around just in time to see Twilight-senpai entering the haunted house alone, and Not Important-san standing there wiping her hooves off with a dumbstruck expression on her face. Trixie slowly lifted her hoof and pointed at the curtain covering the entrance to the haunted house. "Did... did she just... did she just go inside?"
Not Important-san grabbed Trixie’s hoof and shoved her inside, yelling, "Go after her!"
As Trixie stumbled through the opening, they first thing she noticed was just how freakin' dark it was, and not by design either. She glanced up, noticing that the bulb they'd been using to provide provide a dim glow had gone out, and now the room was completely pitch black. Trixie stuck out her hooves, feeling around helplessly like a character who just lost their glasses. "Twilight-senpai," she called softly. "Twilight-senpai, where are you?"
She got no answer and was instead forced to continue stumbling through the blackness until eventually she bumped into a soft something. Not only was it soft, but it also felt quite warm, and its fur felt so... familiar. Trixie hesitated a moment, then lurched forward and embraced the furry soft thing. She nuzzled it, breathing in the, yet again, familiar scent. "Twilight-senpai... I caught you."
"Twilight-senpai?" said the furry thing. "No, it's me, Trixie-san."
Trixie stepped back, letting go of the other pony. "Not Important-san?" She turned back to the curtains and ripped them off, allowing light to flood the room... just in time to see Twilight-senpai exiting out the other side. Trixie let out out a loud groan, then threw the curtains aside. "Well, that didn't work." She turned back to Not Important-san. "Great, you ruined the plan, thanks," she said as sarcastically as she possibly could.
"I'm really sorry, Trixie-san," said Not Important-san, casting her gaze downwards. "But, if it makes you feel better, you gave a really good hug."
Trixie’s eyes narrowed. "You really are an idiot."
"All right, there she is," said Not Important-san, pointing her hoof towards the pop gun stand where Twilight was aiming her shot with a practiced hoof. Her tongue stuck out just a bit as she concentrated on picking the right target, then with a subtle squeeze of the trigger, she fired, completely and utterly missing the target by a wide margin. "Guess she's not a great shot..."
From the inside of a nearby trashcan, Trixie hissed, "Shut up! Twilight-senpai is great at everything she does. Anyway, does it look like she's going to leave soon?"
"No, she's picking up the gun again. I think now is the time to make your move, Trixie-san."
The trashcan rumbled a bit. "Remind me what the plan was again."
Not Important-san rolled her eyes, unbeknownst to Trixie. "You're going to impress her with your skills by winning a prize for her, remember?"
“Skills?” repeated Trixie. “...What skills? I’ve never even held a gun before.”
"So? Use your magic."
There was a pause. "Oh, right."
"Now, get out there and make senpai notice you!" Not Important-san shot her hoof out and knocked over the trashcan, spilling Trixie unceremoniously onto the pavement. Her reflexive instincts kicking in, Trixie tucked into a ball and made one full roll before springing to her hooves... or at least that's how it happened in her head. In reality she just rolled into a heap and then slowly pushed herself up, groaning the whole time.
Rubbing her hindquarters, Trixie said, "Okay, initiate Mega Ultra Super Deluxe Plan Mark II!" Trixie quickly ducked into the crowd and worked her way through it towards the pop gun stand, doing her best to remain undetected by Twilight-senpai, though that was easy since it wasn't like she was paying attention to Trixie anyway. After stepping on a couple hooves, and bumping into a couple patrons, Trixie finally reached her goal.
With her heart beating so loudly she was sure it would register on the Richter scale, she took up the gun and pointed it at a large Daruma doll, the one object she knew Twilight wouldn't be able to resist. She sucked in her breath, steadying her aim. As she peered down the sights, lost in deep concentration, she heard a voice, like a whisper in the wind.
"Use your magic, Trixie-san..."
She blinked a couple times, looking around. After waiting a brief moment, she placed her cheek against the rifle again.
"Let go, Trixie-san..."
Trixie put the rifle down again and frowned. "Okay, I know I wasn't imagining it that time. Who said—"
"Trust me, Trixie-san. Use your—"
Trixie looked down and spotted Not Important-san crouched down on the ground, her hoof over her mouth. She noticed Trixie noticing her and gave a sheepish grin. Trixie hissed, "Stop whispering in my ear! I'm trying to concentrate!"
She chuckled awkwardly. "Sorry, I was hoping I could help you."
"Just shut up and go stand over there!" Trixie pointed to a stand opposite them and shook her head, muttering to herself, "It's impossible to find good henchmen these days..."
With Not Important-san safely hidden away, and out of her hair, Trixie took up the rifle for a third and final time. Despite sending her away, Trixie did decide to take Not Important-san's advice, and she kept her eyes and face away from the sights. She bit her lip in concentration, focusing all her energy on knocking over that Daruma doll. She pulled the trigger. There was a thud.
Trixie pumped her hoof into the air. "Yes! I did it! I hit the—stall clerk?"
Not Important-san rushed to Trixie’s side. Leaning over the counter, she let out a slow whistle. "Man, you really nailed him good, Trixie-san. He's out cold."
Trixie grimaced, then an idea hit her. "Maybe Twilight-senpai will still be impressed?" she reasoned in in a hushed whisper. Trixie whipped around, a smile brimming across her face. "Twilight-senpai, did you—" There was no one there. Trixie cursed under her breath.
Not Important-san shook her head slowly. "Darn, and I really thought that was gonna work, too. Well, no use sitting here moping. We've got a dozen more plans to try before this day is over." She grabbed Trixie’s hoof. "Whoa, you feel really clammy. Is your fever getting worse?"
Trixie hadn't noticed it before because she'd been so busy trying to cure it, but her fever had gotten noticeably worse. She could feel the sweat dripping down her face, and it felt like her forehead was on fire. "Now that you mention it, it has gotten worse. We need to cure it soon or... well, I don't really know what will happen. But I'm sure it can't be good."
Not Important-san put her hooves on Trixie’s shoulders. Her face grew serious serious and her eyes narrowed. "Trixie-san, no matter what happens, I promise you that we'll get senpai to notice you. No matter what."
Trixie’s face softened. "Not Important-san, I... I don't know what to say."
Not Important-san put her hoof over Trixie’s lips. "Shh... no more words."
Trixie stared blankly at her. “What are you—”
“Shh, shh, shh…”
Once they’d managed to find Twilight-senpai again, Not Important-san quickly set in motion her third-best plan, which, as it turned out, was simply having Trixie bump into Twilight while she walked past.
“All right, now go!” said Not Important-san in a loud whisper as she shoved Trixie into the crowd aimed directly at Twilight.
Trixie, having almost no control over her trajectory, simply crashed right into an elderly stallion and his grandkids. Unfortunately this was not enough to get Twilight’s attention since she then became focused on helping the other ponies up. Rubbing her flank yet again, Trixie said, “Good plan, idiot,” as Not Important-san pulled her back to her hooves.
Not Important-san shrugged. “You win some, you lose some. This time you lost.”
“I lose every time.”
“Don’t get bogged down in the details,” said Not Important-san, waving her hoof dismissively. “Besides, I’ve already got another plan lined up.” She pointed her hoof towards a game booth with a bunch of little bowls littering a large table. Next to the bowl, a pile of paper scoops sat waiting to be used.
Trixie raised her eyebrow. “Another game?”
“Sure, who says it won’t work this time?” Not Important-san took Trixie’s hoof and dragged her over to the stand, planting her in place. “Now you wait here while I go get Twilight-senpai. When I bring her back, you win her a fish and guarantee she’ll notice you.”
Twilight eyed the flimsy-looking paper scoops warily. “You better be right this time. I’m getting tired of looking like an idiot.”
“Don’t worry,” said Not Important-san reassuringly. “This plan is fool-proof. Even an idiot like you can do it!” She patted Trixie on the back and then took off to go find Twilight, leaving Trixie with a confused look on her face.
“Hey, wait… I’m not an idiot!” she yelled, but Not Important-san was already long gone. Heaving a sigh, Trixie leaned up against one of the poles that was holding up the tent that covered the fishing game. Luckily, as it turned out, she didn’t have to wait long as Not Important-san came back moments later with Twilight in tow.
As Not Important-san shoved Twilight under the tent, she nodded her head in an exaggerated manner, mouthing, “Start the plan.”
Trixie nodded back and then hurried under the tent after Twilight. She tossed a couple bits to the stallion managing the game and reached for a paper scoop to hand her.
“Now, the trick is to—”
“I know how it works!” Trixie shouted, grabbing the scoop from him and trotting over to a nearby bowl. Trixie’s horn lit up as she took the scoop in her magic, but she stopped when she heard the same stallion clear his throat loudly. She turned to face him. He raised his eyebrow at her, tapping his hoof on a sign that read “No Magic”. Trixie winced.
Figuring that at this point she had nothing to lose, Trixie put the paper scoop’s handle in her mouth and carefully placed it in the nearest bowl. It only took a second but she managed to get the fish into the scoop and lift it up. She grinned, proud of herself. Unfortunately, the motion of her lips moving into a grin caused the scoop to shake a bit, which in turn caused the fish to flop out of the scoop and into Trixie’s face, causing her to flail wildly. Backpedaling, Trixie bumped right into the pole, setting off another chain reaction that caused the entire tent to collapse.
As Not Important-san was pulling Trixie out from underneath the tent, she said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got another plan ready to go.”
Trixie rolled her eyes.
From that point on, it was just one failure after another. Whether it was competing in a daruma toushi tournament, or attempting to win prizes at the lottery, Trixie always came up empty handed. She even tried to serenade Twilight with a shamisen love ballad, and then she remembered she couldn’t play any instruments. It was this point, with the sun beginning to set, and the sky turning a deep red, Trixie was resigned to her fate.
She fell down on the grassy hill beside the festival courtyard, Not Important-san following shortly afterwards. “I give up,” said Trixie, rolling on to her side. “This is impossible. No matter what I try, I can’t get senpai to notice me, and all I do end up doing is screwing everything up. And on top of all that, my fever is getting worse and worse. I feel like my head is going to explode.” She sighed. “This sucks.”
Not Important-san put her hoof on Trixie’s shoulder and rolled her back over so she was looking the other mare in the eye. “What did I tell you at the beginning of the day?”
“That you’d help me no matter what,” said Trixie unenthusiastically. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. senpai is never going to notice me. I should just give up.”
“No,” said Not Important-san, leaning in until her snout was almost touching Trixie’s. “You can’t give up now. Not after everything we’ve been through. Trixie-san, when this all started I told you that I’d make Twilight-senpai notice you, even if it killed me, and I meant it.” Her face darkened, and she looked almost somber for a moment. “I have one more idea… one final idea.”
Trixie sat up, her eyes going wide. “Wait, Not Important-san, we’ve done everything we can. It’s too late now.”
Not Important-san gave a cheery grin, though it was betrayed by the hollowness of her eyes. “It’s not too late, yet.” She glanced off to the side where a bunch of ponies were placing objects in a field. Looking back at Trixie, Not Important-san smirked. “The fireworks haven’t even started.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. She opened her mouth to speak, but the other mare stopped her.
Not Important-san shook her head. “Don’t speak. Just let me do this… for you.”
Giving a slow nod, Trixie watched Not Important-san stand up, brush the grass from her school uniform, and then sigh wistfully while she watched the sunset. The wind blew through her mane, tossing it around playfully as the last glint of sunlight reflected in her eyes.
“Well,” she said, looking down at Trixie, “I’m going then. Just make sure you’re near Twilight in about ten minutes, and be on her left side, okay?”
Trixie nodded silently. She pulled herself up and watched as Not Important-san walked down to where the ponies were setting up the fireworks with a determined look on her face. Once she’d reached the ponies and started talking to them, Trixie turned away, scanning the gathering crowd for any signs of Twilight.
“There she is,” she whispered, noting the purple and pink mane that were unmistakable. Hurrying down the hill, she came up beside Twilight just as the crowd started to thicken to its highest density all day. She was jostled and squeezed, but she never lost sight of Twilight, and she kept pushing herself closer to her.
Finally, she managed to be right on her left side, just like Not Important-san asked, and not a moment too soon since the fireworks were just then starting. A mish-mash of colors exploded in the sky as the first of the fireworks went off, sending a shower of sparks down on the crowd. They ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’, but Trixie couldn’t keep her eyes off Twilight. The way a tiny smile played across her lips as she watched, and then grew to a beautiful grin a minute later captivated her, just as much as watching her cheer as another explosion rocked the sky did.
Trixie was transfixed, but as the show went on, she started to remember what she was supposed to be doing, and so she turned her attention back to the sky. The finale was coming up, and the crowd was in a frenzy. Trixie watched with rapt attention as one giant rocket soared into the sky, this one a little thicker than the rest, and a bit lopsided, almost like there was something strapped to it that shouldn’t have been. Then, without warning, it exploded in a magnificent display of reds, golds, greens, and most importantly, purples.
Trixie’s eyes went wide as she saw what the firework was spelling. “Third-year Twilight Sparkle, look to your left.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to Twilight, watching as the multitude of colors sparkled in her eyes, giving off an almost ethereal glow. Slowly, like the world had ground to a halt, she turned. Trixie’s heart jumped into her throat.
At what felt like a million times slower than normal speed, Twilight’s head swiveled around to face Trixie, her mane lagging behind just a bit. Finally, she came to rest, a sweet smile on her face and a curious look in her eye. Then, suddenly, the world went back to normal speed, and Twilight stuck out her hoof. “Hi there, I’m Twilight Sparkle. I don’t believe we’ve met.”
Trixie froze. The gentle curve of Twilight’s lips, the way her mane hung over her shoulders, with just a bit playing across her face, and the way her eyes twinkled in the night, it was enough to send her into catatonic shock. However, with no small amount of effort, she managed to regain her composure, and she stuck out her hoof, meeting with Twilight’s. “Twilight-senpai, I… I…”
Twilight smiled playfully. “This is the part where you say your name.”
Suddenly her cheeks flushed scarlet red, and Trixie turned away, tucking her hooves by her sides. “I-it’s not like I like you or anything… i-idiot.”
In a field beside the festival, a blackened and soot-covered Not Important-san coughed up a bit of smoke. She lay on her back, staring up at the stars as more and more of them started to gather in the sky. She coughed again. “Why won’t you notice me, Trixie-senpai?”
